In a world of raging uncertainty, it’s nice to have some constants. For example, every year when December rolls around, there are a few tried and true events that I know I can absolutely rely on.
I know that lights will go up and temperatures will drop and everything will be beautiful and serene, until the shopping starts. I know people will get mad about the holiday cups at Starbucks. I know my co-workers will tire of my playlist solely made up “All I Want for Christmas is You” remixes a mere six minutes into me blasting it from the office Sonos. I know there will be myriad Christmas parties that I will attend and swear to not drink peppermint schnapps at. I know that I will inevitably end up drinking peppermint schnapps at all of them.
But most importantly, I know that Kris Jenner is going to spend more money on her Christmas decorations than I will likely make in the next 10 years of my life. Is it my fault for pursuing a career in media? Perhaps, but that’s beside the point.
For those unfamiliar with Kris Jenner’s Kristmas traditions, let me break it down for you. This woman does not f*ck around with Christmas. Every year, her Calabasas mansion is decked out, head to toe, in varying Christmas decor. It goes without saying that no detail is left unattended. This is Kris Jenner we’re talking about here. If she can market Kylie’s mouth into a billion dollar empire, rest assured she can flawlessly execute a theme.
Two years ago she partnered with Jeff Leatham, artistic director at Paris’s Four Seasons George V and florist extraordinaire to the stars, to bring her Kandyland-Chic vision to life. This included, but was not limited to: five trees in her foyer alone, covered in nearly 10,000 white lights, hundreds of feet of garland, three animated white reindeer, six monstrous nutcrackers, and a custom-made red glass and metal polar bear, which had to be delivered from Paris.
If you’re sitting there thinking to yourself “perhaps I will give Jeff Leatham a call and see what he can muster up for my 10 square foot apartment,” don’t bother. I spent some time reaching out to various florists in the Portland metro area (very similar to the Paris and LA markets, I’m sure) to see if they could lend some insight into just how much this kind of display would cost.
Those who didn’t immediately hang up on me after hearing that I was doing investigative research into Kris Jenner’s holiday decor budget didn’t have much to offer beyond “really f*cking expensive.” But I did learn that some major florists have a $10,000 minimum to even get a consultation. Okay, so I CLEARLY ended up in the wrong field.
If that’s what florists who don’t cater to the Kardashians, Oprah, and the Dalai Lama charge, I would imagine our guy Jeff is a little spendier. Considering this “modest” arrangement from Kimye in honor of Stormi’s birth costs a chill $5,000, and the “floral orgasm” he created for a Nigerian oil heirs wedding netted out at a chill $1.2M, it’s safe to assume Kris is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on her Christmas decorations.
I skipped flavor in my latte this morning in a doomed attempt to save money for Christmas shopping, but it’s fine. When the revolution finally comes, here’s hoping Kris’ custom-made Parisian polar bear evades the guillotine.
Images: Kim Kardashian / Instagram; Giphy (2)
It’s wedding season, and we here at Betches have expresse several strong opinions regarding trends in wedding themes, favors, and engagement photos that we believe should, for lack of a better word, die. Basically, we’re running an internal competition to see how many comments we can get about how we’re “ungrateful” for being invited to weddings and that “we shouldn’t judge people” etc… from people who are clearly confused about the point of this site (being ungrateful and judging people). First of all, if you’re having a giant wedding, you’re BEGGING to be judged. You’re literally putting your life and love on display for 300+ people, and you’re damn right I’m going to judge it. Yah, I appreciate being invited but only if the food and music are good … if they’re not, god help you.
Next on our list of
unsolicited very good wedding advice is the décor, aka, “the reason Pinterest exists.” Here’s a list—not comprehensive because we could be here for days—of wedding décor I better never, ever see again. Some of it was cute and perfect five years ago, but its time has passed and we all need to move on for the good of the species.
We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again. Burlap had its time in the wedding world—namely, right around when Pinterest started distracting us. But that time has passed. Come on, anything that can double (and was intended) for legitimate farm usage doesn’t belong at your wedding. Not on your tables, not as a runner, not as a bow, and for fuck’s sake, not on any person in the wedding party.
2. Mason Jars
Stop. Enough. Mason jars are used for canning and stacking cute desserts in, not to hold flowers/candles/sparklers/water lilies/pictures … what the fuck ever. Again, these had their time thanks to Pinterest, but they need to go the way of burlap and other rustic wedding shit and die.
3. Disco Balls
Sorry I even needed to type this one. Unfortunately, some DJs and bands bring décor, and if they bring a disco ball, hang on to your butts, cause this wedding is about to get real trashy real fast. Anything that came into existence in an era of ALL the cocaine, white tuxes, and enough hairspray to kill a puppy doesn’t belong at your wedding.
4. Large Framed Portraits Of Yourself
Stop it. This isn’t your version of My Super Sweet 16; this is your wedding day. Have a little class. I understand that you spent top dollar on your engagement photos and want to show everyone that you def have a future in modeling if you don’t get fat in the next month, but, honestly, relax. This isn’t an exhibition.
5. Camo Anything
I’m upset that I even need to list this shit, but here we go. Once you go below the Mason-Dixon line or into the far realms of Pennsy-tucky, be prepared to see camo worked into weddings. I’ve seen it (via Pinterest … I wouldn’t be caught dead at any wedding for human beings who believe integrating hunting attire into a celebration of love is okay) on cakes, on dresses, entwined on Mason jars, on hats resting upon groomsmen—the list goes on. Please, keep camo where it belongs: in the dark recesses of America where cable probs doesn’t reach and on the backs of soldiers.
Yes. People use fish in fish bowls as fucking centerpieces. First of all, where did you get all the fish? Who set them up? And what happens when cousin Will gets drunk again and tries to get the fish drunk? Rude. Who takes the fish home? So, you see where I’m going with this. Please don’t integrate living creatures into a celebration where 99% of people will be too drunk to care for even themselves.
7. Fake Flowers
Yikes. I understand that the real thing can be expensive, but if you have any money for décor, don’t waste it on silk flowers. It’s super rare that they can look realistic, let alone decent. Get creative with other shit like dried flowers, eucalyptus, etc. before you go trudging through Michael’s aisles and aisles of silk nightmares.
Don’t make these mistakes. Or do. I guess it’s your wedding. Just know I will subtweet the shit out of you if you do.