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Dear Betch,
I very recently went through a breakup with my boyfriend of ~3 years. We are both 27, living in NYC.
We live very close to each other in the city; however, after a few weeks of city quarantining (and seeing each other often), we each left the city to quarantine with family in separate states. During this time, it seemed there was a shift in our relationship: less communication, less FaceTime, less attempts to see each other (on both our ends). Eventually this led to us deciding to go our separate ways, as it seemed we couldn’t give each other what the other needed out of the relationship (wasn’t the first time we discussed not meeting the other’s needs). Nothing specifically happened, but I honestly felt like we just weren’t the match for each other—and I had these thoughts before the pandemic but wasn’t really forced to face them until our time apart.
My question is, how do we get over breakups during this time? There aren’t as many usual distractions to help, and I worry even more so about having to relive/grieve the breakup once life is back to normal, and I’m forced to face the reality of my life without him in it. Even if I do think our breakup was for the best long-term, it doesn’t stop it from being hard to go through, deal with, and worry about.
Any and all advice would be welcomed!
A socially distant single
Dear Socially Distant Single,
Socially distancing is tough enough without the added distress of going through a breakup, so I’ll start by saying I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there, it sucks. Breakups are often even (ironically) tougher when things end semi-amicably and you can’t villainize the person or blame the breakup on some horrendous event (like cheating or some other dramatic event).
However, breaking up in the midst of a global pandemic has its own silver lining. In 2019 you might think you could fix your heartbreak with distractions like drunk brunch with friends and hooking up with random people, but you’d actually be wrong. When you use distractions to make you forget the pain you’re in, you avoid feeling it and never really deal with it. The shortage of activities like parties, weddings, and festivals this year will ensure you don’t bypass this important stage in the breakup grieving process: letting yourself feel sh*tty. I know we all want to avoid pain as much as possible, but like a nagging Slack from your boss, pain is something you will have to face eventually, either full-on in the beginning, or drawn out over the course of an even longer time period due to numbing it with your distraction of choice.
Take advantage of quarantine by letting yourself feel bad for a while and reflect on the highs and lows of your relationship. What did the relationship with your ex teach you about what you want to do differently next time? What did it teach you about yourself, and your likes and your dislikes? What red flags will you look out for next time? Using quarantine to let yourself feel everything will ensure that when things start to open up you can enter the world with a fresh, healed heart and be ready to go out and meet new people. You’ll be able to actually have fun at the events that are happening instead of having to beat back the lingering sadness in the back of your mind.
That’s not to say that there aren’t certain things you can do to help yourself in the meantime while you’re grieving this breakup. First off, delete him from all social media, not because he’s a bad person, but because constant updates about anyone will make it impossible to move on from them. There are probably days when you second guess your decision and the heightened feeling of socially distanced loneliness makes you want to reach out your ex. When this happens, text a designated friend about what you’d want to say to your ex, and she can remind you of all the reasons you broke up. Finally, break up your sadness by getting into something new, be it a new workout routine, podcast, really good book, or anything else that will make you feel like you’re channeling your energy into something and growing as a person. This will make you remember that the rest of your life is ahead of you and there will be a ton of amazing people you’ll get to date along the way.
Best of luck, Betch!
Jordana
Need Jordana to answer your most pressing dating questions? Email us at [email protected] for a chance to have your dilemma featured on Dear Betch.
The Betches discuss the Men Tell All on The Bachelorette and the Anthony Scaramucci situation. Dear Betches include having an emotionally abusive boss and whether you should tell your friend if her husband is cheating on her. We also played games, fucking duh.
Dear Betch,
Everybody says I’m young looking for my age. I’m 50. The trouble is, I’m seeing a lovely man who’s the same age as me. He doesn’t look young for his age. This doesn’t bother me. I know it will bother other people and they will judge me‚—badly! They will say I’m desperate and be disgusted. My daughter has met him a few times. She says he’s rugged because he’s a heavy smoker. This sounds petty, but it’s really worrying me. I’m giving a false name, Suzie.
Dear Babyface,
Thanks, but I didn’t even need the fake name. First, I would like to commend you for reading such a hip young site at your age. Share it with your family. Share it with your friends. Share it with your daughter and her friends.
Anyway, I think you’re looking at this all wrong. Nobody’s going to judge you for dating a man who looks older than you—in fact, they would probably think he’s a stud for dating someone who appears younger (and therefore I assume hotter) than him. You say you “know” it will bother other people and they will judge you, and they “will” say you’re desperate and they “will” be disgusted, but how do you know that? Has that even happened? I’m half your age but it doesn’t even sound realistic to me. Unless you actually ARE 25 and dating a 50-year-old, then yeah, people will judge you and call you a gold digger FOR SURE. But if you’re the same age, who cares? Focus on yourself and your relationship.
By the way, as a fellow babyface myself, please respond back and let me know what life is like at 50. Is looking 30 when you’re 50 everything it’s cracked up to be? I need to know.
Asking For A Friend (And That Friend Is Me),
The Betches
Dear Betches,
I am suffering from some serious drunken regrets right now! I was casually seeing (regularly having sex, going on dates ~3x/week, talking every day, etc.) this guy for about 3-4 months. Naturally/unfortunately, I started to catch feelings and when I brought up how I felt and wanting to be a bit more serious, and he wasn’t on the same page, we decided to end things and left off on good terms about a month ago.
I usually pride myself in my ability to not drunk text, but I was especially wasted this weekend and texted him around midnight. I was out and he was at home sober, but I told him to come over and he did. Totally blacked out when he got there and woke up confused with him in my bed. Usually we’d get breakfast or something, but he told me I was so wasted the night before and being so weird, saying the stupidest things, etc., but he wouldn’t tell me what! He left shortly after and ever since I’ve been so embarrassed and can’t stop obsessing over what I must’ve been acting like. I know I shouldn’t care, we don’t have many mutual friends and he’s not someone I run into when I’m out, but still, I did have feelings for him and I don’t like that his opinion of me probably isn’t that great anymore.
Any tips on how I can get over the regret and embarrassment I’m feeling?
I love when people write into me like “How do I stop feeling sad over my ex?” or in this case “How do I stop feeling embarrassed?” The short answer is: you just fucking do it. I wish I could control other people’s feelings, but I can’t do that. If I could, I would use my superpowers for the greater good, i.e., getting Future to fall in love with me and not helping you overcome one slightly embarrassing moment. Just let it go/laugh it off. Everyone says dumb shit when they’re drunk at some point or another. Until I complete the final testing on my time machine, you can’t go back and un-say what you said to this guy. But for the record, when my time traveling device is complete I’m not sharing it with you bitches.
Dear Betch,
I dated my best friend and it ended terribly. He started seeing his ex again (primary reason for the break up) and I am absolutely psychotic and agreed to try and be friends (stupid) after a few tears were shed between the two of us. He informed me that his girlfriend doesn’t like me (not shit, I wouldn’t like me, either). I don’t want to be her friend and I don’t care whether or not she likes me but I am afraid that if I were to agree to be his friend: 1. she would turn him against me (she has already tried) and 2. that he just says he wants to be friends because he feels bad about what happened or wants me to tell him that what he did to me was okay and that as soon as I agree to be his friend again he will stop trying because he won’t feel bad about it anymore.
There is no way on his own that he would stop talking to me—I am his best friend and we used to be inseparable. But the friendship was already damaged by our breakup and he has known her for much longer than he has known me. He also obviously chose her over me and was he a true friend if he could use me when he was lonely and move on that easily? They jumped back into their relationship the same day he broke up with me.
I am currently not speaking to him and told him that it is not likely that we can ever be friends. Although I agreed that our relationship got boring (his fault, no doubt in my mind) I think it was because I was trying so hard to make him happy since I knew I was the only person who could. We were a lot better when we were just friends but I don’t know that he needs me now since he’s the type of person that drops his friends and only sees his girlfriend when he’s in a relationship.
I am considering two routes: not talking to him until they break up and he realizes how stupid he was for getting back together with her for the 38924th time or being a friend and talking to him. The main problem is that he really fucked up in a super serious way and I am the best person capable of understanding the situation. While it was frustrating to have to deal with everything with his problem, I know the best way for him to move on from it is by talking to me.
I don’t want to lose him as a friend but he really didn’t treat me like one by treating me so badly and getting back with his ex after he was well aware that I would not be able to accept that. She treated him so badly and it’s one of those things where you hate your best friends ex and every time they get back together and they have the same stupid drama you just want to scream GET OVER IT you’re not going to marry each other!!!!!! I told him that if he wanted to get back together with her he would lose me as a friend and that is exactly what he chose. He keeps asking if there is anything he can do to make it up to me but he must not have cared that much about me if he used me as a rebound and got back with his ex right?
The last time they got back together I honestly did continue talking to him in the hopes that we would start hooking up again but after being together for a while the sex got boring so I don’t even know that this is worth it. The only things I could get out of this now are the “you were right, I shouldn’t have done that” and maybe making him feel a little better (but I don’t know that he deserves to).
Is he being genuine or does he just want to feel better about what he did? Or is he holding on to me to make sure he has a backup plan?
Sorry for rambling :/
You’re all over the place. First, you’re blaming him for being a boring boyfriend. Then, you’re saying nobody could make him happy like you could. Are you a ’90s pop singer? Cut that shit out. I’m getting whiplash rn from all the different positions you take in this letter (I will withold the Trump jokes—for now). Anyway, yeah, you should stop being friends with this dude. Do I really have to rehash the “You never had a guy friend, you had someone who was willing to play the long game and wait it out until he could fuck you” thing? Because I’ll do it. Oh wait, I guess I just did. Anyway, yeah, stop talking to him. If you dated, he’s no longer your “friend”—he’s your ex. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend talking to an ex he just broke up with, either.
Also, “I know the best way for him to move on from it is by talking to me” ??? Bitch, what? You really think the best way for this guy to get over his relationship with you is by talking to you about it? Are you on drugs? I don’t have time for this. Distance yourself from this “friend.” Bye.
