Dear Betch: How Do I Get Over A Breakup While In Quarantine?

Need Jordana to answer your most pressing dating questions? Email us at [email protected] for a chance to have your dilemma featured on Dear Betch.

Dear Betch, 

I very recently went through a breakup with my boyfriend of ~3 years. We are both 27, living in NYC. 

We live very close to each other in the city; however, after a few weeks of city quarantining (and seeing each other often), we each left the city to quarantine with family in separate states. During this time, it seemed there was a shift in our relationship: less communication, less FaceTime, less attempts to see each other (on both our ends). Eventually this led to us deciding to go our separate ways, as it seemed we couldn’t give each other what the other needed out of the relationship (wasn’t the first time we discussed not meeting the other’s needs). Nothing specifically happened, but I honestly felt like we just weren’t the match for each other—and I had these thoughts before the pandemic but wasn’t really forced to face them until our time apart.

My question is, how do we get over breakups during this time? There aren’t as many usual distractions to help, and I worry even more so about having to relive/grieve the breakup once life is back to normal, and I’m forced to face the reality of my life without him in it. Even if I do think our breakup was for the best long-term, it doesn’t stop it from being hard to go through, deal with, and worry about.

Any and all advice would be welcomed!

A socially distant single

Dear Socially Distant Single,

Socially distancing is tough enough without the added distress of going through a breakup, so I’ll start by saying I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there, it sucks. Breakups are often even (ironically) tougher when things end semi-amicably and you can’t villainize the person or blame the breakup on some horrendous event (like cheating or some other dramatic event). 

However, breaking up in the midst of a global pandemic has its own silver lining. In 2019 you might think you could fix your heartbreak with distractions like drunk brunch with friends and hooking up with random people, but you’d actually be wrong. When you use distractions to make you forget the pain you’re in, you avoid feeling it and never really deal with it. The shortage of activities like parties, weddings, and festivals this year will ensure you don’t bypass this important stage in the breakup grieving process: letting yourself feel sh*tty. I know we all want to avoid pain as much as possible, but like a nagging Slack from your boss, pain is something you will have to face eventually, either full-on in the beginning, or drawn out over the course of an even longer time period due to numbing it with your distraction of choice. 

Take advantage of quarantine by letting yourself feel bad for a while and reflect on the highs and lows of your relationship. What did the relationship with your ex teach you about what you want to do differently next time? What did it teach you about yourself, and your likes and your dislikes? What red flags will you look out for next time?  Using quarantine to let yourself feel everything will ensure that when things start to open up you can enter the world with a fresh, healed heart and be ready to go out and meet new people. You’ll be able to actually have fun at the events that are happening instead of having to beat back the lingering sadness in the back of your mind. 

That’s not to say that there aren’t certain things you can do to help yourself in the meantime while you’re grieving this breakup. First off, delete him from all social media, not because he’s a bad person, but because constant updates about anyone will make it impossible to move on from them. There are probably days when you second guess your decision and the heightened feeling of socially distanced loneliness makes you want to reach out your ex. When this happens, text a designated friend about what you’d want to say to your ex, and she can remind you of all the reasons you broke up. Finally, break up your sadness by getting into something new, be it a new workout routine, podcast, really good book, or anything else that will make you feel like you’re channeling your energy into something and growing as a person. This will make you remember that the rest of your life is ahead of you and there will be a ton of amazing people you’ll get to date along the way. 

Best of luck, Betch!

Jordana

Need Jordana to answer your most pressing dating questions? Email us at [email protected] for a chance to have your dilemma featured on Dear Betch.

15 Signs You’re Dating A Fuckboy

Fuckboys are not always easy to spot in the wild, given their highly adaptive nature and ability to blend in. Any betch that’s been through the Amazon jungle of dating knows that meeting a fuckboy now is like finding a Rattata in the original Gameboy Pokemon—it’s common AF but you always hope it’s something better. The key to getting rid of the fuckboys in your life is to know how to identify early signs of fuckboyism before you get too attached. Here are some telltale signs the guy you’re dating is a fuckboy you should def ditch.

1. He asks you to hang out but doesn’t text you to follow up, and when you ask if you’re still on he’s just like, “sure where should I meet you”.

2. He says things like, “we should hang” but never initiates an actual date.

3. He says things like, “let me know when you’re free” rather than proposing an actual time and place.

4. When you ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, he avoids answering and says something like, “you don’t have to worry about that”

5. He uses phrases like, “keep me posted” and, “let’s stay in touch” when you invite him to come out instead of just giving you a straight answer.

6. His friends don’t seem to know who you are, which means chances are slim he’s raving about you to them.

7. Or his friends all know who you are but act like they know something you don’t because they do: They know he’s seeing other people.

8. He’ll disappear for days without you hearing from him, and when he finally resurfaces he offers no explanation, like it’s perfectly normal.

9. When you ask him what’s up, he over-explains why he’s been so busy and offers specific details like, “hey! just been super busy with this work presentation and my cousin’s in town and also my dog is sick so I haven’t been sleeping what’s up with you?” which really translates to, “please don’t ask me to hang out.”

10. When other guys flirt with you in front of him he seems totally unfazed, not in a chill, do-whatever-you-want-because-I’m-a-feminist way, but in the honestly-could-not-care-less-about-you way.

11. When you run into other girls when you’re out, he definitely doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend, and sometimes doesn’t introduce you at all.

12. He’s always texting other people when you’re together, and they’re def not all bros.

13. He shadily will not respond to you during prime date hours of 7-11pm, because he’s obvs on other dates.

14. His friends avoid direct eye contact with you when there’s other girls flirting with him, and more than likely some of them are also hooking up with him.

15. He’s never initiated taking a picture with you, and he’s never posted one of you guys hanging out on his social media.

If you spot, like, more than three of these behaviors, it’s time to reevaluate your life and your choices (not to mention your relationship). For more dating advice, buy our new book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, and stop falling for fuckboys.

Images: Elsa Donald on Unsplash; Giphy (18)

How To Deal With A Horrible Boss Without Nuking Your Career

The Betches discuss the Men Tell All on The Bachelorette and the Anthony Scaramucci situation. Dear Betches include having an emotionally abusive boss and whether you should tell your friend if her husband is cheating on her. We also played games, fucking duh.

Why Peter Is The Biggest Fuckboy On ‘The Bachelorette’

This week on Betch Slapped, the girls discuss the Bachelorette, Game of Thrones and Michael Kors. We answer listeners questions about whether a guy’s excuse that he just got over a breakup is a legitimate reason to end things. They play would you rather games and give their thoughts on piercing babies’ ears.

Sponsored by: Framebridge (Promo Code: Betches)

Are Long Distance Relationships Worth The Effort?

This week on Betch Slapped, the Betches are joined by Johnny Bananas and Jenna Compono of this season of MTV’s The Challenge. They talk about the ups and downs of being on reality TV, Jenna’s Challenge relationships and Johnny’s betrayal of Sarah. The Betches answer questions from a listener who wonders if she should move in with or dump her long distance boyfriend. Finally, Challenge cast members play would you rather and Shoot Fuck Marry using people they were on the show with.

 

The Reason Guys Comment On Instagram Thots’ Pictures

This week on Betch Slapped we have an amazing episode featuring special guest Jared Freid. We discuss the new Bachelorette season, which dating apps are good for actually finding a boyfriend, and guys’ obsession with The Rock. Dear Betch submission talks about a girl with a crush on her coworker who she thinks leads her on but won’t make a move. Email your questions to [email protected] and we just might answer your question on the podcast.

 

Read: What Guys Really Think Of Every Dating App
 
How To Tell If You’re Getting Ghosted Or He’s Really Just Busy

The Betches discuss The Bachelorette premiere, the Katy vs. Taylor feud and the amazing true crime doc we’ve been watching lately. Dear Betches are a girl who has a crush on her best friend and a girl who got ghosted in a tinder relationship. Games include what are your thoughts on Miley Cyrus. Email us at [email protected] with your Dear Betch questions.

Is It Weird if A Guy I’m Dating Follows A Lot Of Instagram Thots? Dear Betch

Dear Betch,

After deciding who this question would most appropriately be directed to (Head Pro, you are still a very useful tool), I have decided that this inquiry is best suited for the women of Betches, of whose irreverence I most appreciate.

Though my concern may sound naïve or immature, it is truly a topic that I struggle to interpret: When does voyeurism on Instagram cross the line of vaguely vulgar (though perhaps still “healthy” or “normal”), and enter the realm of, well, creepy. Being twenty-two years old, I cannot help but feel slightly juvenile for asking a question concerning men and “Instagram etiquette”, but I also cannot help but be in tune to the fact that there are many men (bros, dudes, etc.) who follow accounts dedicated to your daily dose of male voyeurism and female-bodied spectatorship. To me, this evokes mental images of men, sitting at their work desks (for instance), flipping through image after image of highly sexualized female bodies at 3pm. I do not know if this is a mental image that portrays an accurate reality and something I should accept as inherently “male”, or if my assumptions are…you know, “batshit”.

My question then is, what is appropriate versus not appropriate in reference to this issue? I know a lot of this is singular to the individual, their perceptions and beliefs, but how should I feel about a man who I am beginning to date and who follows 20-plus accounts of scantily clad fitness models, and three accounts of “The Gap”—and I don’t mean the store…though I don’t know if that would’ve been more comforting anyway.

I don’t want this to be an issue that makes or breaks how I feel about someone, but I can’t help but wonder: “What is normal?”, “What is acceptable?”, and “Should this bother me?”

Whatever your brutally honest answer is, I would truly appreciate hearing it.

Sincerely,

Confessions of an all-women’s college student

Hoe

Dear Confessions,

Although I have to call you out for the fact that your email reads more like a senior year psych disseration than an advice column (this is BETCHES LOVE THIS after all) I was intrigued by your question and felt compelled to answer it.

I too have an encountered many a bro that seemed highly datable until I’ve come across the large amount of ass/boob/sex inspired Instagrams that he so openly follows for the world (and my friends) to see. Now what a guy does in his private time is not something I generally give as shit about but if you’re so highly sexualized and in your own world that you think it’s okay to be casually ‘liking; 20 pictures a day of wannabe instawhore models wearing nothing but bikini bottoms for likes than I’ve got to admit that this is a red flag. A guy who so blatantly flaunts his objectification of women in public can only be more misogynistic when it comes to his private life. Like, do I need to be embarrassed by the fact that my 5 closest friends are consistently seeing you follow these trashy accounts when you’re my boyfriend? I think not. Like at least pretend to respect women and save the objectification for your porn hub of a MacBook. 

At the end of the day I’d say this is a red flag but not necessarily a deal breaker. If you’re close enough with the bro that you are actually considering dating him like, for real it’d be a good idea to call him out on his blatant voyeurism in a subtle, funny way. Calmly explain that you’re fine that he looks at that shit but you’d rather not know about it. There are some secrets better left untold. Like, he knows you get Brazilians but I doubt any bro would be chill with himself and his friends seeing you ‘like’ multiple accounts about body waxing techniques. I’m sure you’d get serious shit for that. 

Good luck with that whole All-Women’s College Shit, 

The Betches

Send your sob stories and get advice from the betches by emailing [email protected].