I’d like to be upfront about a couple things here: 1) I am (fairly recently) un-single and 2) I was possibly the least cool single person who’s ever existed. So while I still regularly indulge in occasionally miss the 48-hour Netflix binges and bong rips, I definitely don’t miss the obsessing, the drunk texting exes, and the generally insane amount of energy I put into every tiny interaction with whatever guy I was freaking out about at the time. And since I’m new to the whole relationship thing and do something for which I should probably be arrested broken up with at least once a month, I’ve been thinking I should set some guidelines for the next time I’m single. Because I’m paid to write this super generous, I’ve decided to share it here.
1. Hang Out With Single Friends
Don’t have any? Cool, are you like 50 make some. Yes, there is a very small possibility that one of your coupled-up friend’s boyfriends will have a cute single friend, but honestly I got exhausted just typing that sentence. Bottom line: between the years of high school and post-first divorce, it’s just not cute to be asking “so what single guys will be there” before every function you attend. All you’re doing is reminding people that you’re single, and no one’s going to set someone up with the friend that reminds them of Ginnifer Goodwin in He’s Just Not That Into You. (As that reference implies, I’ve both been that girl and seen that movie 3-7 times, so please just trust me that I know my way around being pathetic.) I’m not trying to start some single/coupled war here, I just think that when you’re single, it can suck to feel like everyone else has someone—so instead, go out with your hot/fun/single friends, and send Snaps from the club to your friends who are at home listening to their boyfriends.
2. Don’t Spend Too Much Time With Yourself
I know this goes against what a lot of people say, but I feel like the “take time with your advice” is always really about post-breakup periods of time, and a lot of the problem of feeling single is constantly feeling like everything you’re doing is in reaction to your last breakup. Actually, a bigger problem with being me being single is constantly analyzing why you do everything you do, which is a really easy habit to fall into when you spend so. much. time. alone. If you are post-breakup, your head right now is in a place with a very bruised ego and a lot of rage, and why would you want to stay alone with that? I know the whole idea is to “get to know yourself again” and really “be with your thoughts” but honestly, your thoughts aren’t fucking going anywhere. No matter how many people you hang out with, your brain does not get airlifted from your body to a different location—and if you’re supposed to spend this time “getting to know the new you,” wouldn’t it be better if the new one was someone with friends and commitments requiring pants? Yeah, get to know that person.
3. Keep Having Sex
This is very important, for so many reasons. First of all, it will prevent you from accidentally falling in love with the first guy you sleep with in six months just because you forgot what a dick feels like. Second of all, having people see you naked gives you an incentive to stay hot, and I absolutely refuse to write an article about being single in which I suggest outright that you work out. I have almost lost my phone too many times hurling it at a wall after reading that suggestion in bed on a Sunday at 4pm, and frankly it’s just rude. However, if you’re regularly getting laid (which, even just makes you look hotter for a bunch of reasons I won’t get into), you’re going to feel hotter and more wanted anyway and have your own motivation for staying in amazing shape.
If these points have anything in common, it’s that you should keep in mind that being single is not the same thing as being alone (at least, it doesn’t have to be). So if it feels like you’re alone, that fucking sucks and you should fix it—but you don’t have to get a boyfriend for that to change. (Looking forward to cry-reading this article when I’m freshly single, bye!)
Being dead inside is an art. And sure, you’ve been perfecting it basically since the day you were born. I mean, who doesn’t remember the first time they put on an all black ensemble and thought, “Yes. This is me now.” But what should you do on the rare occasion when you want to express emotion? Like, one minute you’re going through your day, giving zero fucks and being devoid of all feelings, and then suddenly your friend tags you in a meme that makes you feel…dare I say…alive? For the rare moments that make your grinch heart grow three sizes, here are the emojis you should use to convey your momentary experience of human emotion.
Laughing/Crying Face
Use this emoji when you want to convey a level of laughter beyond “haha” and “lol.” Like, sure, you could just say “crying,” but will your friend really get the visual without tears streaming out of the eyes of your cartoon avatar? Save this one for when your run across a fire meme, or when a friend hits you with some amazing gossip that actually made you almost display emotion on your face while you were reading it. Not that you would ever actually do such a thing. WARNING: Some people overdo this emoji and end up looking like a psycho. Keep it to 1-3 of these little guys in a row to avoid seeming like the type of person who thinks everything is funny, and not the modern-day Wednesday Addams that you are.
Heart Eye Face
Every once in a while, someone will send you something that actually makes your cold, black heart start to beat again. 9/10 this will be a photo of a dog, preferably wearing some kind of an outfit. In these instances, the heart eye emoji is not only appropriate, but necessary. How else will your fuckboy know that the gif he sent you of a Corgi doing pilates worked and he has permission to ask you to come over later?
Screaming Face
One of the dangers of using the internet is that you will often encounter something so horrifying that even you, a woman who watches 10 dark AF Netflix documentaries a day and feels nothing, will be moved to say “omg.” In these instances, the screaming emoji is 100% appropriate. Remember though, only use this for really horrifying stuff, like that photo that’s been going around of a colon full of 3 years worth of poop, or literally anything Trump does.
Smiling Devil Baby
Every once in a while —and I mean once in a while—you’ll find yourself in a very particular mood and actually want to spend time with people, usually with the aid of copious amounts of alcohol. Usually this will happen on a random summer night when your allergies aren’t keeping you indoors, or a day where you wake up with great skin and want everyone in the world to know. It’s one of those days where you wake up win the morning and immediately think, “I’m gonna get fucked up tonight.” In order to properly convey this mood in your group chat, send a little smiling devil emoji with a “Who’s going out tonight?” attached. Your friends will immediately know that tonight will be one for the history books and start faking a cough in front of their boss so they can call out sick tomorrow.
Clapping Hands
Let’s face it, even you can get heated sometimes. Like when when you thought Bachelor in Paradise wasn’t happening, or some old man in the Senate is trying to make your birth control mad expensive. Sure, you could use a series of all caps tweets to convey that you are, in fact, yelling, but what if you want people to know that you are both yelling and clapping? If you’re actually being moved to emotion, you know that you’re choosing your words carefully. So why not emphasize them by placing a clapping hand after every.single.word?
Praying Hands
You spend most of your life in a daze of not giving a fuck, rolling your eyes, and feeling vaguely sleepy. Chill. But what happens when you like, actually want something to happen? Like for the custom swimsuit you ordered to arrive in time for your Hamptons trip, or for there to be food at the party you’re going to later? In these cases, it’s time to invoke the help of the Lord by using the prayer hands emoji. It’s literally the same as actually praying. I think. I honestly haven’t been to church in years.
Co-existing with people who expect you to care about their lives is exhausting. There are barely enough hours in the day to manage your own rigorous schedule of sleeping, watching Netflix and blacking out to fit in any real emotional commitments in between. But as we all know, other people are extremely selfish and will actually get upset if you don’t wish them a happy birthday or tell them their new haircut doesn’t look like shit when it actually does. It’s just take, take, take and while it’s unfair, it’s something we soulless people have to deal with. Here’s our guide to pretending you have emotions without actually having to feel things because no thanks:
Look up from your phone every three minutes while someone is telling a story, so they think there’s a chance you could be listening. Occasionally nod or add, “no way!” to really give the appearance that you are paying attention/give a shit.
When there’s drama in the group chat because someone got ghosted, text something moderately sympathetic like “that sucks” before muting the thread.
Prevent someone from hugging you by telling them you’re sick and it’s nothing personal, but you don’t want to give them anything. You’ll look so caring and proactive about another person’s health, so in other words you’ll basically be Mother Teresa.
Add an exclamation point to your “no thanks” when a friend asks if you’re around to talk about something that’s been bothering her lately. If she guilts you about it, say you’re “maybe free in a couple of hours” or “on Sunday,” knowing full well you’ll both forget by then.
Let a nice guy down easy by recommending a less cool/attractive girl he could try dating. And then offer to “put in a good word,” even if you don’t know the girl personally.
Conceal your joy in cancelling important plans by explaining how “jealous” you are of all the “fun” they’re going to have. Maybe even reply to a Snapchat or two with “omggggg dying” to hammer it home.
Post an Insta about how grateful you are for everything your dad does before informing him you already booked spring break on his credit card. If he’s still giving you shit about it even after the post, buy him a tie in a color and pattern he definitely already owns.
Let a coworker know you get it by agreeing that “the struggle is real” even though you still won’t cover for them. Add, “Next time for sure, though” with a shrug and then walk away.
Comment one singular fire emoji under a couple’s Insta to make up for publicly shit-talking them on multiple occasions. This also works for when your insecure and depressed friend posts a thirsty selfie and you know you should recommend she speak to a therapist but you don’t want to be the one to bring it up.
Offer to plan the next group brunch and then suggest a place you know everybody hates. Act completely innocent and they won’t be mad because you “didn’t know.” Somebody else will take the reigns.
Tag your friends in various memes in lieu of asking them to hang out. Everybody knows memes are an acceptable form of communication—and if they don’t, you don’t need them or their negativity in their life.
