Tyra Banks Is Starring In The ‘Life Size’ Sequel, But Where TF Is Lindsay Lohan?

Well, just when you thought the early 2000s renaissance had reached its peak, Tyra Banks confirmed today that in addition to returning as host of America’s Next Top Model, she will be reprising her iconic role as ‘Eve’ in the Life Size sequel. Guess she’s also found herself longing for the Bush era. Or she needs money. Either way, we all win.

The fIlm, which I imagine will sweep next year’s Oscars, was greenlit by Freeform, Disney’s red-headed stepchild, and will apparently run as part of their “25 Days of Christmas” programming month.

The movie will star Tyra (duh), who is also executive producer ($$$) but apparently nobody has reached out to Lindsay Lohan to reprise her role as Casey, which is a goddamn tragedy. Why wouldn’t Disney want Lindsay involved in their wholesome Christmas project? I literally can’t think of a single reason. Not one.

Life Size 2 will apparently focus on a “grown up” Eve who is “magically awoken to help a young woman learn to live and love again,” so like…this time the doll comes to life and helps a grown woman? Why tf would a grown woman keep a doll around for this long? My mom threw all that shit away as soon as I got boobs. And it’s…Christmas? Why? Also, what does a “grown up” Eve mean? Does it mean she’s learned how to type on a computer?

For those of you who need a refresher, Life Size was the heartwarming tale of a little girl named Casey (aka Lindsay Lohan 100 mental breakdowns ago) who goes to a local bookstore to buy a book on magic so that she can bring her dead mom back to life, like ya do. Sadly, Casey fucks up the spell and brings her knock-off Barbie Doll, Eve, to life instead. Eve is beautiful, but also a fucking idiot, and the two teach each other lessons about how to be confident and never giving up and shit.

Eve is sad to learn that as a doll, she’s not doing too great, and the fake Mattel company that makes her, Marathon, might discontinue her because girls don’t like dolls anymore. God damn you, feminism! At the end of the movie, just when you think Eve is going to stay human and get with Casey’s dad, Eve fully 180s and performs a reverse spell on herself so that she can turn back into a doll.

The movie is amazing for many reasons, most of which are Tyra Banks. Here is a literal quote from the Wikipedia summary of the movie, just to jog your memory about some of it’s most iconic scenes:

“Over the next few days, Eve buys clothes at the local shopping mall, uses her police training to stop a truck that almost runs Casey over, smells and eats for the first time, tries to do secretarial work, sings her theme song, and almost sets the Stuarts’ kitchen on fire. She also helps Casey cope with the loss of her mother.”

Incredible. The movie also features some amazing 2000s era computer work, like this very reputable looking website Lindsay Lohan uses to learn about resurrecting the dead:

TBH, there’s a lot of potential here for the Life Size sequel, but only if they do it right. I think I speak for everyone when i say that LiLo’s involvement is crucial here. I mean, who could use the help of a doll role model come to life than Lindsay? Maybe Eve could help Lindsay reintegrate into normal society, first by helping her re-learn how to talk without a fake accent, and getting to the bottom of her whole “converting to Islam” thing. The movie could end with Tyra turning back into a doll, as Lindsay checks herself into a rehab facility in Malibu.

Oh, and like, it’s Christmas or whatever. 

Remember Your Favorite Disney Channel Crushes? This Is Them Now—Feel Old Yet?

Ever wonder what your Disney Channel crushes from back in the day are currently up to? Well you’re in for a treat because we caught up with some of the biggest stars from the ‘90’s/early ‘00s to see how they’re doing in 2017. Some of them have made some fairly dramatic transformations, but they’ll never forget their formative years at Disney and in our hearts.

Erik von Detten

Erik Von Detten

We’re not gonna lie, Erik von Detten is looking rough as hell these days. He’s aged about 60 years since his role in Brink!, but that doesn’t stop him from getting back on his skateboard every now and then. Even though he can only ride downhill in keeping with his life’s trajectory, it’s great to see Erik doing what he loves.

Chez Starbuck 

Chez Starbuck

Remember Chez Starbuck from The Thirteenth Year? If so you’ll be relieved to know that our favorite young merman has recently transitioned into a beautiful beluga whale. He’s settled with a wife and kids about five miles off the coast of Miami Beach, FL, and you might even see him going for a swim if you take a boat out around sunset.

Ryan Merriman

Ryan Merrimack

After playing the lead in the DCOM classic The Luck of the Irish, Ryan Merrimack was getting offered sponsorship deals for Irish brands left and right. We think he picked a good one, since he’s now basically the most famous leprechaun in the world and gets free marshmallow cereal for the rest of his life. 

Taylor Ball

Taylor Ball

Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-off was all about a young boy having to make a choice between his two loves: cooking and baseball. These days Taylor Ball is proving you really can have it all since he’s got an amazing job as a waiter at The Cheesecake Factory and he also watches baseball games sometimes.

The Lawrence Brothers

The Lawrence Brothers

There used to be three Lawrence brothers back in the day, and they often co-starred in Disney Channel movies and shows together. Sometime over the last few years they decided to all morph into a hotter, younger version of Joey, which is much better if you ask us.

Dylan and Cole Sprouse

Cole And Dylan Sprouse

Dylan and Cole Sprouse, the lovable twins from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, were determined to continue working for the Disney brand after their debut series ended. They recently found a new role as twins—the adorable Chip and Dale—whom they dress up as seven days a week at Disneyland for minimum wage.

Ricky Ullman

Ricky Ullman

Whether he was creating the next digital pop sensation in Pixel Perfect or messing around with gadgets in Phil of the Future, Ricky Ullman was always playing a tech nerd during his time at Disney. No wonder that in 2017 he’s gone full geek and turned into an Alexa who can provide information on news, sports and entertainment all for the low, low cost of $200.

Steven Anthony Lawrence

Beans Even Stevens

The classic story of the “awkward” kid blossoming into a beauty: Steven Anthony Lawrence AKA “Beans” from Even Stevens is now the famous heartthrob Ryan Gosling. Bet you wish you didn’t turn down all those date offers now, huh?

Corbin Bleu

Corbin Bleu

Ever since the High School Musical franchise, Corbin Bleu has had an acting career that’s been basically unstoppable. He most recently had a pivotal role in the Oscar award-winning film La La Land as a dancer in the first sequence, fifth car back in the first row.

Clayton Snyder

Ethan Lizzie McGuire

No one has seen Clayton Snyder, who played Ethan on Lizzie McGuire, since he walked off the set of the final episode in 2004. If you have any leads whatsoever, please let us know immediately.