It’s Thursday which means it’s practically the weekend and it’s now socially acceptable to
show up to work hungover start living my best life at happy hour. Praise. Tbh just because drinking two five glasses of wine on a Tuesday is frowned upon by my mother, boss, and very uptight roommate does not mean that I don’t regularly partake in such activities, but sometimes it’s nice to pretend I follow social constructs. Lol. That said, it’s Thursday, which means I also look like I’ve spent the last three days stress eating in a windowless room, which is accurate but also not cute. Though if there’s anything I know how to do in this world it’s how to hide the face/body/hair I was born with and transform myself into a human who gets 80-100 likes on her Instagram selfies. Dream big, kids.
But summer is an extra challenging season for my transformation process because the weather is constant sabotage. It’s the only season where I can go from
sad and depressed work appropriate to living my best life happy hour hoe to swamp monster in, like, less time than it takes me to down my first drink. So pretty fucking fast.
^^Actual footage of me seconds after leaving work.
Constant. Sabotage. I, mean, some people might be worth melting for, but not at fucking happy hour. And because I love wasting my money on material possessions, I’ve spent enough on beauty products to know which ones will literally save my life selfies during this oppressive heat. So here are 5 beauty products that will take your summer look from day to night without melting off your face:
Nothing says I’m down to make out in 3-4 drinks like colored eyeliner. Adding a pop of color to your eyes says you’re edgy, fun, and willing to
make out with a stranger take risks. We recommend using the Maybelline Eyestudio Waterproof Eye Pencil as it’s long lasting and should survive a night out even with you (v important). There’s also a ton of different colors to choose from so you can match your mood swings with your eye makeup.
From the hours of 8AM to 3PM my foundation is
on point doing it’s damn job and hiding the face my mother gave me, but by the time 6 o’clock rolls around my face is as dull as Carol in HR. I’m legit obsessed with the Milk Makeup Sunshine Skin Tint as it’s key to restoring my skin to it’s natural completely manufactured dewy state. Plus the foundation is buildable so if you end up getting into some wild shit tonight, just add a little extra in the morning to erase the evidence, similar to how you would erase drunk texts to your ex the next morning. If you can’t see it, it wasn’t ever there.
Any time you’re trying to take your look from day to night, a bold lip color is key to making that transformation happen. Upgrade your nude lip to a darker, more vibrant shade for happy hour purposes. Normally, I’d recommend a vampy lip color because fucking duh, but in the spirit of the summer season, I guess I’ll act a little less dead inside and recommend Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick in Deep Raspberry or Warm Rose. Both colors are still edgy AF but more in-keeping with the season. Plus this shit can outlast the human tornado that is you at a happy hour, including all your drinks and your
secret blatantly obvious make-out session with the hot intern.
I’m obsessed with this product in particular because it does the the job of two products in one. I guess there is a God and she’s been watching my Snapchat stories. I suggest using the color Sway because it makes your skin look glowy AF and also looks amazing as a smokey shadow on your lids. This should always be included in your day to night beauty regimen as it can take your look from ready to present at the department meeting to ready to get ratchet at a wine bar.
5. Neutrogena Shine Control Blotting Sheets
You should always keep blotting paper in your purse no matter the season but you should especially have some during the summer. I use this shit liberally. Like, every time I go to the bathroom and am horrified by my reflection. So, often. Try Neutrogena’s Shine Control Blotting Sheets as it absorbs oil and gives your skin a clean, matte finish so you won’t look like the greasy pizza you ate for lunch. It’s the perfect way to fool your colleagues, Instagram followers, and that one guy you drunk Snapchat on the reg that at all times you have the skin of a delicate flower and not the wrapper of a McDonald’s sandwich.
It’s Friday, which means I’ll be binge drinking coffee until it’s socially acceptable to switch to wine. Honestly, by the time Friday rolls around I’m literally exhausted. I’ve worked, like, five days in a row and my will to live is about as thin as my coworker’s eyebrows rn. Like, for god’s sake Belinda HELP YOURSELF, I BEG OF YOU. So, yeah, I’ve been V busy this week and really need a nap and/or a vodka soda stat.
And you can guaran-fucking-tee that when 5 o’clock hits it’ll be like a scene out of Cinderella happening in my office. Think bippity boppity boo but more ho. It’s taken me years to perfect the day-to-night beauty look that frequents both my Instagram story and the 3-6 guys I Snapchat between the hours of 9pm and 3am. I feel the only person who can properly convey this transition is Kelly Kapoor aka my #OfficeBFFGoals:
^^^Actual footage of me at 4:59pm
^^^And at 5:01pm
Miracles happen every day Friday, people. And that miracle can happen for you too, so listen up because here are some basic beauty hacks that will take your look from Pam Beesly to Kelly Kapoor before you can say “I’d like to start a tab, please”:
1. Extend Your Eyeliner
Because nothing says “let’s get fucked up” like the girl who walks into a bar rocking a full-on cat eye. This is one of the easiest ways to take your look from “acceptable to be out in public” to “no paparazzi please.” Give yourself an edgier vibe by lining the inner rim and going ham with your mascara.
2. Get Bold With Your Lip Color
I’d like to be clear here, getting bold with your lip color does not mean copying a look you saw on any type of social media story by one of Hollywood’s thirstiest teen stars (looking at you, Ariel Winter). If you do this and I see you at happy hour it will not look good for you on my Snapchat story. That being said, I’m not going to assume what type of Friday night plans you have but I am going to say that your lip game does tell a story. Don’t let that story say “desperate to look like Kylie Jenner.”
3. Invest In Dry Shampoo
A good dry shampoo actually saves lives and why Sephora hasn’t picked up that tagline yet I will never understand. First, it acts as an oil absorber, which we all know you need because you 100% skipped that shower this morning in favor of an extra 15 minutes sleep. And, like, same girl. But the true magic of a dry shampoo is the extra volume it gives your hair. A few spritzes and your hair is showing more life than Nick Viall’s dancing career.
4. Use Blotting Paper
People don’t just wake up looking fresh-faced, there’s actually a whole lot of shit they put on top of their real face to appear “fresh.” And oil-blotting paper is key to that process. Throughout the day your face builds up more oil than a dollar slice and, trust me, no one wants to see that shit at the bar. Swipe an oil-blotting paper like Mac’s Blot Film a few times across your face for a flawless finish that even the fuckboys on your Snap rotation can’t miss.
5. Make Mascara The Real MVP
This one is pretty basic, but then again I’ve also had to spell out why you can’t just dye the roots of your hair all the colors of the rainbow because the internet tells you to, so I guess I’ll spell this one out for you too. Volumizing mascara is a V important part of my smize game and is an essential part of my office to happy hour ho transformation. Be sure to use a long-lasting, smudge resistant mascara to keep your eyes looking beautiful and vibrant even after those four vodka sodas.
Read: The best long-lasting lipsticks that will stay on through all the ratchet shit you do this weekend