Can you guys believe I’m back to recap a reality show where everyone except one of the couples should not be together? No, I’m not talking about Vanderpump Rules, but Love is Blind, the Netflix sensation sweeping the nation.
Vanessa and Obviously Nick Lachey are back to host and to once again prove to us that their entire presence on this show is completely useless. How many times do you think the phrase “you got ENGAGED to someone SIGHT UNSEEN regardless of LOOKS, RACE, INCOME” will be uttered? Take a shot for every time it’s said, and then meet me in the hospital immediately after the show.
Absolutely no one:
Nick & Vanessa Lachey every 16 seconds: you got engaged to someone you NEVER SAW. You’re here to PROVE if LOVE is really BLIND. This is a REVOLUTIONARY EXPERIME—
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) February 29, 2020
Here at the reunion are Lauren and Cam, Amber and Barnett, Jessica and Mark, Kenny and Kelly, and Diamond and Carlton. Amber has gone blonde, and I do feel like that choice better captures her chaotic energy.
Mark, Jessica, Diamond, Carlton, and Kelly are currently single, and miraculously, both couples that got married on the show are still married. I’ve got to say, I fully expected Barnett and Amber to implode by now.
Damian and Gigi are back together, which isn’t a shock really since we knew that already. It is a shock in the sense that they are extremely toxic, but whatever, it’s not my life.
First up is Kenny and Kelly. Kenny is dating someone, but Kelly is single. Since the show, Kelly’s dated one of her best friends who was at their wedding. And meanwhile, I’ve been going on year five without a man, so… somebody nominate me for season 2. Kelly says some B.S. about “growth” and her “journey” from the show or whatever, and Kenny is flexing real hard that he’s got a new girlfriend. I can’t hate the guy because I’d be doing the same thing, though.
Amber’s first comment is that she “hasn’t killed Barnett yet”, which honestly, I really thought would happen. Well, more accurately, I thought she’d pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him, but same idea.
So Gigi and Damian are “so together” (once again, methinks the lady doth protest too much). She already starts tearing up while talking about waking up next to Damian every day. Call me cynical, but I’m going to stick to my theory that they’re both actors. That was a pretty good performance, though, I’ll give them that.
Lauren and Cam, dream couple, are still married, and Mark is single, wearing less and going out more. Ya love to see it.
Barnett looks back on him leading on three girls in the pod simultaneously and has #noregrets. They never do, do they? He claims he’s “not super good with girls.”
All of us:
We know what we saw in the pod, Barnett.
Amber talks about how all the girls were together in the pod (I forgot about that part) and she and LC had an agreement that they just wouldn’t talk about Barnett to each other. Jessica, meanwhile, told Amber that Barnett was proposing (she was also holding her beloved bottle of Joel Gott red wine and slurring her words at the time, classic Messica). Amber calls Jessica sheisty for throwing herself at Barnett in Mexico. Honestly, go off sis.
Jessica admits that she didn’t take Barnett’s rejection very well (you can say that again) and apologizes to Amber. Good move Jessica, Amber won’t stab you in the heart with her stiletto heel… today. Jessica says she has no hard feelings toward Amber, to which Amber just laughs. Jessica, on second thought, you might want to sleep with one eye open.
Vanessa and Nick are so f*cking messy, asking Amber if she accepts Jessica’s apology, and then when Amber explains her thought process that she felt like she looked like a fool for being friends with Jessica, they just cut in like “okay but do you accept the apology OR NAH?”
DO YOU ACCEPT JESSICA’S APOLOGY, YES OR NO!
Like damn, let Amber speak! I know y’all want to be seen as relevant or at all integral to this show, but we didn’t come here for you.
Amber says she accepts “the intent behind the apology” but not the apology itself yet. I love that non-acceptance-acceptance, it feels straight out of the Real Housewives of Potomac.
So everyone loves Lauren (same), and Damian reminisces on how he and Lauren used to talk to each other in Star Wars voices and had a great time in the pod, and Giannina is plotting all the ways in which she could murder her and then flee the country, never to be heard from again.
Me to Lauren:
Why am I relating everything to murder in this recap? Because of who I am as a person.
We relive Carlton and Diamond’s engagement. Oh, this is gonna be awkward. I’m taking a deep breath as we revisit the Carlton/Diamond breakup in Mexico. For the record, I can see both sides. If I were Diamond, I’d be upset that Carlton had all the time in the pods to bring up his sexuality, but waited until we were engaged to reveal that to me. But on the other hand, I can obviously understand why Carlton would be hesitant to share that information. And if Diamond didn’t have a problem with his sexuality in the first place, then the revelation probably would not have been a big deal, even with the timing.
Wow, I almost forgot how Carlton told Diamond to watch her wig. A truly iconic reality TV moment.
Carlton cries and expresses regret for not talking to Diamond earlier. I can’t tell if I would be happy if these two got back together. Their fight was explosive, but they were kinda cute in the pods?
Okay, never mind, Diamond says that she would never be back with Carlton because of the way he disrespected her during their fight.
Obviously, Nick is like, “I think what I’m hearing from both of you is that you both regret being messy af during that fight.” Yeah dude, we’ve spent the last 10 minutes saying exactly that.
Then Carlton gets up, says he’s NOT PROPOSING, kneels down with a ring box, to… apologize and give Diamond the ring back? Damn, Love is Blind has a higher budget than The Bachelor if Carlton is allowed to keep the ring. In The Bachelor, they have to be married for 2 years or else that shit goes back to Neil Lane.
Vanessa: OMG, I’m speechless.
Ok, stay that way! We didn’t come here for y’all!
Next up is the Damian and Gigi show, where Gigi claims she didn’t go into the pods with a pre-planned idea of proposing to Damian. Sure, Jan. Sure.
They’re still dating, but not living together, which is actually… a sensible thing to do? I’m actually shocked.
Watching the clip back of Gigi giving Damian his “bow” back, he starts tearing up. Can somebody call LA and get this guy an acting gig!? He cries and apologizes for putting her through the embarrassment of getting left at the altar on TV, but says he’d do it again because they’re in a better place now.
Okay, Gigi acknowledges that she self-sabotages (take a drink, because just like SIGHT UNSEEN is Nick and Vanessa’s catchphrase, self-sabotage is hers), and admitted that she blew up in non-productive ways. HA! To all you who doubted me in the comments of my other article, I say, HA!
And, she starts crying… ok, we get it, I’m convinced… of y’all’s acting skills. Just kidding, I’m sure they really love each other! I just can’t imagine watching that toxic tornado of a relationship on screen and thinking, “yeah, let’s totally give this another round.” These two really prove that love is blind, and also, unhealthy.
Vanessa is literally Lauren B. from The Bachelor, being like “I love that” to everything everybody says.
Vanessa: I love your love.
Me, audibly at my desk: Ew.
Now it’s time to talk about Kelly and Kenny, or as my friend put it, “the boring couple who I can’t believe didn’t get married in the end.” I do feel like they totally pulled a bait-and-switch on us, acting totally stable until the bitter end.
Kenny says all the takeaways he learned from the show, he applied to his new relationship. So he and his new gf only talk to each other through a wall! Just kidding, he’s learned to be vulnerable and whatever. Next.
Vanessa: I’ll say it: Kenny for President
Vanessa, we have enough white men in the race. We’re good.
Kelly immediately starts crying, and no wonder, because she’s gotten a lot of hate even though she says she and Kenny agreed to not get married beforehand. She says she loved Kenny but she wasn’t in love with him, and she wanted to continue dating but Kenny was like “nah, I’m good”. Ouch.
Kelly is all of us, admitting she’s friend-zoned all the good guys that she should probably be marrying. I’ll say it: Kelly for President! F*ck you, Vanessa.
Nick and Vanessa: Amber and Barnett, how’s married life been?
Barnett: Well, I live every day in constant fear that she’ll castrate me, so it’s a wild ride for sure.
I want to know if Amber has gotten a job, or at least a credit limit above $700? No shade, but I feel like a 12-year-old could get a higher credit limit than that. (Ok, maybe some shade.)
Amber admits that at one point she’d called a divorce lawyer, but they somehow made it through to the other side (maybe Amber realized she didn’t have enough money for a divorce?).
Finally, it’s what everyone’s been waiting for: The Hot Mess Jess Express. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed to see Contrite Jessica. She’s recognizing she drank too much, admitting she was working through a lot of issues that caused her to say wild sh*t, apologizing to Mark for implying he’s not good-looking. Of course, I’m happy for her and her growth, but who’s bringing the drama this reunion? I guess I’ll have to take one for the team and do it *downs an entire bottle of Malbec* let’s go.
Mark, true sensitive king, doesn’t throw Jessica under the bus, and still calls her a “phenomenal woman.” My exes wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire, how do I get a Mark in my life?
Mark does admit that he wishes Jessica had told him that she still had feelings for Barnett, and Jessica blames it on the fact that she was served whiskey. LMAO! There she is! I’m going to start saying “Well, I was served whiskey” any time someone calls me out for doing something crazy when drunk. Girl, I don’t think that’s how it works.
There’s honestly no real need to recap the Lauren and Cameron love story. They’re happy, we’re happy, everyone’s happy. They have a puppy, so they’re officially goals.
Vanessa: We got a fur baby, and we were committing to what we’d be like as parents.
For the last time, Vanessa! This isn’t about you!
Cameron is such a cutie, talking about Lauren’s dad and crying. Cool, now I’m crying. I didn’t ask for this. They are the cutest, and if they ever break up I’ll have to take a week off work.
Lmao now Vanessa is crying. You know what girl, I’ll give you this one. Go ahead, cry it out.
Vanessa: Nick and I always said, this was a social experiment. This was a love experiment. But ultimately, your feelings were real.
Lol, acting as if they themselves designed the experiment instead of just popped up every time they were contractually obligated to give the same speech about LOVE BEING TRULY BLIND. Listen Netflix, on Love is Blind season 2, we don’t want a host. It’s not necessary. If you’re going to have a host, get Michelle Buteau from The Circle to make snarky remarks about everyone every 3 seconds. Otherwise, don’t bother.
And after going around the room and saying what everybody learned from the experience like this is f*cking summer camp, Vanessa has everyone raise their hands if they believe (get your drink ready) that love is really blind. Of course, everybody raises their hand. And with that, I leave you… to go apply for Love is Blind season 2. See you in the pods!
Images: Netflix; Giphy; sarafcarter / Twitter
The Love is Blind finale dropped yesterday, and now we FINALLY know if love truly is blind, or if it just wants to sell you FabFitFun boxes on Instagram. Life’s eternal question! What’s also exciting about the fact that we now have all the Love is Blind episodes (Don’t you EVER do this network TV staggered drop sh*t to me again, Netflix) is that we finally get the full picture of our contestants. I don’t love when I’m on a contestant’s side for a solid eight hours of TV, profess my love for them in an article that you all read, and then have them zip off their skin suit in the finale to reveal they were actually the devil himself all along, and then I have to take it back. Admitting I was wrong is so not my style. I’m a Taurus, people! So now that I’ve watched all the episodes, and have a full view of who these people are, I feel confident that I can bring you all my DEFINITIVE ranking of the Love is Blind contestants, ranging from “I wouldn’t run away if I saw you in Duane Reade” to “I’m calling the police.” And if they eventually zip off their skin suit on a reunion, I will be SO MAD.
*Also, before you carry on, SPOILER ALERT. Do not keep reading if you haven’t watched the finale yet! I don’t want to hear about it in the comments, mmkay?*
Lauren is obviously the big winner in Love is Blind. She never seemed psycho, I mean, other than the fact that she got engaged on like, day four. She also realized she could still be herself, and advocate for what she believes in, despite the race of the person she married. I watched the finale episode with my mom, who had not seen any other episode, and she said of Lauren and her bridal party, “they’re all cute” which is simultaneously the nicest and only printable comment she made the whole episode, which obviously means Lauren was impressive. Plus, I’m glad she and Cam got married because I feel like the show really needed one functioning relationship to take the plunge. And yes, she said dammit in her vows and that’s when my love for her was truly cemented. Lauren, I’ll see you at Duane Reade!
Mark was too pure for this world. Even though he was the 24-year-old in a relationship with a 34-year-old, he was the one that acted like the adult. Sure, I questioned his taste when he watched Jessica share a glass of wine with her dog and he didn’t immediately call Animal Control, but we all have blindspots. I really do wish he had realized that Jessica didn’t deserve him, and that he was the one to say no at the wedding, but if that had happened we wouldn’t have gotten that sweet scene of Mark crying with his mom. *Insert heart eyes emoji*. Mark, I have a feeling you’ll be just fine without Jessica. Definitely check your DMs today.
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Mid-week Trajectory ⚡️ On the eve of the release of @netflix first season of #loveisblind I wanted to share some insight into my head space ⚡️ Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possession, it is a mental attitude. It derives from the appreciation of what we have and not consuming ourselves with the thought of what we do not have. Easy to comprehend, but difficult to apply on a regular basis ⚡️ In the world, within humanity, good and bad will always exist. It is up to us to cultivate life’s lessons and compel the corresponding events to occur according to plan
“Please stop recording, Jimmy” is my new catchphrase. When my boss asks me about an assignment that I most definitely did not do? Please stop recording, Jimmy. When my aunt asks me why I’ve showed up at yet another wedding single and alone? Please stop recording, Jimmy. And when my puppy judges me for another Saturday where I don’t get out of bed until 1pm? Please stop recording, Jimmy. Thanks for the help, Kenny, I too felt “Sure, Jan” was getting a little tired. You deserved better!
Let’s be real, Cameron only ranks in the middle of the pack because he was smart enough to lock down Lauren. Well, that, and he has a house. The men I go out with usually Venmo request me after our date for the cost of my two glasses of wine they were kind enough to grab from the bartender at the dive bar they took me to. They might as well also Venmo request my dignity, because that sh*t is gone now too. Anyway, as my friend said to me at the beginning of this show, Cameron is the definition of milquetoast. Which I could not agree with more, and is also why I can’t really seem to muster up feelings for this man either way. So I guess congrats, Cameron? You’re one of very few men I don’t want to run over with a car bought in cash that can’t be traced back to me. Call it a win!
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Are you as anxious today waiting on the #LoveIsBlind finale as I was waiting to meet what might be my now HUSBAND!?!😳 👉🏼swipe . Literally in this moment my entire body was quivering, any and every thought ran through my mind, I was sweating yet shivering, trying to practice the simple “4 square breathing technique”; the most INTENSE moment in my life…well, other than what you’ll see on the Season Finale!!!😬 . @netflix #LoveIsBlind . . #chaselifewithkelly #chaselifetogether #loveisblind #netflix #becomeabetteryou
Kelly, I really wanted to like you. Early on in the show when you, a woman with a normal, fit body, said that you felt like you weren’t comfortable with how you looked, I could relate HARD. I wanted us to be friends. But then you picked Kenny, a pretty good dude, and then took it back. You should have just listened to your sister and married him! Take the risk! Half of marriages these days end in divorce. Why not? Being unsure certainly never stopped Kim Kardashian from getting married! This is the only time in my whole life where I’ve had to tell someone to be more like Kim Kardashian, and now I dislike you even more for that, Kelly. FOR SHAME.
When this show first started, I could not fathom a world where Barnett was not last on my list of contestants. But then he grew on me. Frat dude jokes? Bad. Playing multiple women in the pods? Very bad. A real job? Good. Responsible with money? Very good. Not leading Jessica on even though she was clearly pursuing him after the pods? Very veryyyy good. BUT. He also said yes to a marriage that seems more toxic than the water in Newark, NJ, so here we are. Barnett, please take your “most improved” ribbon, and hang it on your wall in the sad one-bedroom apartment you lease after your marriage breaks up.
Damian, you were one-half of my most hated relationship on this show, and the only thing you did right was not marrying Giannina. Things you did wrong include: calling yourself a gift, fighting with Gigi at a party with your friends, and constantly mentioning what Gigi was doing wrong in every single argument. Oh yeah, and apparently you f*cked her wrong too. But I’m just repeating what I heard, don’t blame the messenger!
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So many people have asked me about this dress, imma hook y’all up ladies! If y’all saw me wearing anything cute on @netflix #LoveIsBlind I definitely got it from @fashionnova! Ya girl is all about ballin on a budget! I love the #FNFit❤️😘 . . Update: everyone was so interested I had to go back in my emails from 2018 and I found the name of the dress for y’all lol I don’t think it’s available anymore but if you let FN know you want it they may bring it back 😉 -LIVIA MIDI DRESS in SAGE
Amber doesn’t live to work, she works to live. And that’s the moment I knew I hated her. No one wants to work, Amber! But we do want to pay off our student debt! It appears Amber only wants to work to pay off her boob job. She is also the kind of person that will most definitely cut off Barnett’s genitals and throw them in a field if he does something stupid, like telling his niece that she’s the prettiest princess he ever saw. That bitch better not steal her man!
Gigi is lucky that there was someone else on this show so heinous that she narrowly missed last place. Gigi was just really not self-aware. She treated Damian terribly, and then said things like, “I always treated you with kindness.” She complained about him being on his phone, and then literally could not stop herself from checking her own phone. Also, it’s pretty rude to tell someone on camera that they are not the best sex of your life. People can hear you, Gigi! That’s what the big microphones above your head are for! And tbh, the rhyming wedding card she sent Damian is what really set me over the edge. Her only redeeming moment was when she metaphorically gave Damian his bow back. Even someone as self-centered as Gigi can recognize when someone else does something so horrifically embarrassing.
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Finale day is here – well at least for us on the West Coast. Thanks for watching and for your love and kindness. We couldn't have imagined how much the show would resonate with so many. There's a ton that happens behind the scenes and does not make it to the screen —> this is just a glimpse. The best part of all was the little family we created called The Purple Team – even amidst the drama and entertainment element of the show, we had the best and happiest of times. I have so much love for these people. 💜 Also swipe to see footage of a really fun date over ATL! 🚁 #loveisblindnetflix #thepurpleteam #behindthescenes #grandvelas #paytonhester #melkwon #oneteamonedream
I could literally write an entire thesis on Jessica, and I’m only not doing that because I’m in Florida and I’d rather go to the beach than relearn MLA citations for this article. First of all, Jessica cannot hold her liquor. I think we can all agree on that, considering at one point she was so drunk she told Mark that she thought Barnett was sexy, and then at the bachelorette party she attempted to order a drink and an appetizer from the performer on stage (fine, same). She claimed she wasn’t pursuing Barnett, but she invited him for wine by the fire alone.
And then, THE FINALE. First of all, Jessica, quoting It Takes Two will not get you into my good graces this late in the game. You’ve gone too far to the dark side to even win me over with the Olsen Twins. She also says, “You will always have a special place in my heart” about her FIANCÉ! That’s literally what you say to your sh*tty first boss after you reveal you will be taking a new, higher-paying job. Not to the dude who still loved you after you bit his head off for admiring his mother.
As she says ever so saltily after blowing up her own wedding, she will apologize to whoever she needs to apologize to. Great. I am waiting for my apology, Jessica. And I would like MLA citations.
And that is the official ranking of the Love is Blind contestants! There better be a season two of this show, because it’s truly the only thing that makes me feel better about being single. Let me know your own rankings in the comments!
Images: Netflix; need4lspeed, markanthonycuevas_, kennybarnes11, cameronreidhamilton, chaselifewithkelly, barnettisblind, damian_powers, atypicalamber, gianninagibelli, jessicabatten24/Instagram
Perhaps you, like me, spent your whole weekend binging Netflix’s new dating show Love Is Blind, and now you have a ton of questions. The main one being, why would someone ever want to go on this show? Are there seriously no other options for you, Barnett?
The show describes itself as a “social experiment” in which 30 participants have ten days to meet and propose to a partner. The twist? All of their dates take place in isolated pods, and they talk to their potential matches through a wall. And for some unclear reason, they still get more dressed up to sit alone in a room than I ever have in my entire life. After some couples find “the one”, the show jets everyone off to a resort in Mexico to see if they can create a physical connection, and then back to Atlanta to test if they will make it work in the real world. If they survive, like, a day with their partner in a random neutral apartment, they’ll be walking down the aisle and into the rest of their lives.
The show suspiciously does not give us many details as to how they chose their singles, but in an interview with E! Network after the show started streaming on Netflix, co-creator Chris Coelen revealed that all the singles were all based in Atlanta, and that the show was also filmed there. Okay, so, I’m just guessing here, but the social scene in Atlanta for young, attractive people willing to go on reality TV to get married cannot be that big.
I feel like there was a casting call posted in the greater Atlanta area that was like, “Want to be Instagram famous, but don’t want to move to LA or New York to do it? Can’t take a month off work because your feed isn’t paying for itself yet? We’ve got the opportunity for you!”
Marriage seems like a pretty high price to pay if the only reason you want to be on a reality TV show is to promote your brand. After digging a little deeper into their backgrounds, I found that half of the cast was willing to pay it. Alas, my faith in humanity grows ever smaller. Many of the contestants have personal brands or are the CEOs of their own media companies, or hold jobs like model, social media consultant, brand consultant, personal trainer, personal stylist, makeup artist, etc. Jobs that basically need all the exposure to clients they can get, and Netflix is just the place for that. (I have to give Netflix some credit, because they took away the cast’s phones during the month that they were filming, which seriously limited the number of times someone could reference their fake Instagram job in a confessional.)
I mean, the second we meet everyone at the start of the show, I was immediately suspicious. Everyone is way too hot. Like, definitely a few steps below The Bachelor, but still. Hot as far as regular, non-surgically-enhanced people go. I mean, Diamond Jack is literally an NBA dancer, which, as we all know, is a model who can also dance. And, as it turns out, a lot of them are actually models. Take Amber, for instance, who reminisces on her days in the Georgia Army in the first episode. Based on her Instagram, though, her current job is modeling for Tropic Beauty, whose Instagram bio is literally: “We produce model influencer events, photoshoots, travel and branding opportunities.”
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Lauren Speed is another example. Her bio on the show says “Content Creator”, which is the vaguest job description I have ever seen, and then we never hear another peep about it again. That is, until she shows Cameron, her new fiancé, her apartment, and there is a full-on photo studio in the living room. It turns out Lauren runs her own media company called The Speed Brand AND she has modeled in New York Fashion Week. I respect the hustle, but now I’ve got to ask how two literal models can really be on national TV claiming they hate dating apps because they get judged by their pictures.
Speaking of New York Fashion Week, another of the show’s participants, Danielle Drouin, recently posted from the runway. I don’t even remember her being on the show, and she clearly didn’t get engaged to anyone, so Netflix really wasted her hotness for nothing.
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Feeling like a Queen 👸 in @jorgecontrerasmexico collection! 👑 #nyfw #fashionweek #nyfw2020 #newyorkfashionweek #nyc #nycmodel #modelling #model #2020collection #designergowns #fashionshow #fashion #fashionmodel #runwayfashion #runwaymodel #runway #runwayshow #newyork #ascfashionweek #queen #queenstatus
I also found in my
midnight Googling spiral investigation that, in addition to all of these contestants being models, a bunch of them are weirdly connected. It does add up that some contestants would’ve known each other beforehand, given that it’s a show for the very specific demographic of model-adjacent singles in Atlanta, but something seems fishy here. It is a little hard to say, but more than a few contestants can be linked to Jezebel Magazine (a publisher of luxury lifestyle magazines, not the feminist website), which hosts tons of parties throughout the year. They named the show’s very own Mark Cuevas, (personal trainer, lover of Jessica, known 24-year-old) one of 2019’s 50 Most Beautiful Atlantans. Weird flex, but okay.
Matt Thomas, Mark’s confirmed friend, (which we know from this Instagram at an event for Thomas’ non-profit, Brawl for a Cause) and fellow contestant has also appeared in the magazine, as one of Atlanta’s Best Bodies of 2017. Not sure who gave the green light for that article, but that’s neither here nor there.
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Double tap + Scroll if you’re THAT girl that plays in a dress 😂 ⠀ Feeling some serious #FOMO? ⠀ What cities do you want to see these Sweat With US + @brawlforacause events? ⠀ Shoutout your city in the comments so we know where to take you! ⠀ GEORGIA AQUARIUM WE’RE COMING FOR YOU TOMORROW! Link in bio to join the Workout Under Water fun!! #atl ⠀ 📷@randmcphoto
Lexie Skipper, a personal stylist (another vague job description) on Love is Blind, also had a profile in the magazine, although she unfortunately did not, at least to the extent of my research, make one of their rankings. Maybe next year, Lexie. Lastly, for what it’s worth, I found a picture of Jessica at a Jezebel party in 2011, so basically that confirms that everyone knows each other and the entire show is a scam.
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**Sappy post ahead.** sorry in advance. About 5 months ago I took a chance, ran with an opportunity and focused solely on myself. I let go and let God. And let me tell you, although I thought it was one of the craziest things Ive ever done..it changed my perspective on so much in life. I have been wondering for 2 years what plans God had for me in Atlanta and what was my purpose for being here? I learned so much in my first year here and @nfinityshoes played such a huge role in developing my confidence in a new city and new experiences that I will always be grateful for. God took me on another path and then lead me to a stylist position at Alice+Olivia. (I MEAN REALLY??!!) I have always dreamed of a job in fashion (and a summer in NYC!!) but never felt “qualified” enough. God also had a plan, and here I am. I am so lucky to be able to work with the most amazing women who motivate me every day to be better. @casey_schott @brittneyrwheeler @jocelyn_bowman @christina_bauman . Overall, I am so grateful for every opportunity Atlanta has given me over the past 2 years and the friendships I have made. I finally began to only do things that bring me joy. 2019 you are exceeding my expectations already and we are only 2 months in. LETS GO!
Just kidding, but an anonymous source close to the show did tell Betches, “LC and Lexie are childhood friends.” The source told us that they went to the same middle school and have been pretty tight since then. Also, LC and Westley, who went to high school together, were one of LIB’s couples (that didn’t get engaged).
Look, I guess it kind of makes sense. Like maybe, some of them said to their friends, “I’m only going to apply for this if you do it with me.” And then their mom popped up out of nowhere and said “if every single in Atlanta jumped off a bridge, would you?” Pretty sure that’s how that went.
In the remainder of the cast, (those that aren’t models or fitfluencers), there are quite a few “brand consultants” and “social media entrepreneurs”. Giannina describes herself in her Instagram bio as a “soulpreneur.” I thought about what this could mean for a full five minutes and still couldn’t come up with anything. Carlton describes himself as a social media manager, which is fine, but LET US NOT FORGET he was Cynthia Bailey’s assistant on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, so Love is Blind is simply his way of continuing his foray into reality TV.
I’m definitely not trying to say that these people have fake jobs, because some of them do seem to run successful media companies, like Ebony Alexis (Ebony Alexis Entertainment) and Lille Mae (Glambitious I Am). However, I am saying that these are all jobs that function by gaining clients and serve to benefit from increased exposure to their brand. Production tried to throw us off the scent by throwing a bunch of tall, nondescript white men whose jobs are “scientist” and “engineer” into the mix, but I am not falling for it for one second.
Now, you may be thinking, so what if everyone was just there to promote their brand to a room of 30 singles that they already knew? But, I have to wonder, is love really blind if everyone is a model? Was the cast promised that everyone was going to be pretty attractive before they fully committed? Why was the show filmed so goddamn long ago? Everything about this show confuses me, and yet I have canceled all of my plans for Thursday night in order to watch the finale.
Images: Love Is Blind / Netflix, Giphy
Please tell me you all are watching Love is Blind, Netflix’s latest reality show. PLEASE. If not, you should get on that now, because the next four episodes just dropped this morning. This article, however, is only about the first five episodes, because I am merely a human with a full-time job who just spent the last two nights binge watching this show just to bring you all my BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS takes. Am I insane to cram that much reality TV into two school nights when I also have other things going on? Yes, I am. Do I regret it? No, I don’t. Do I need a venti nonfat latte? Yes I do, and if you’re in Midtown East please bring me two, I’ll put your name in our security system.
I guess I should actually explain the premise of this show to you instead of the details of my coffee order. Basically, men and women get to know each other without seeing what the other looks like. They talk through a wall. It is blue and shimmery, and is reminiscent of that lava lamp we all had in our rooms in 1998. It also magically makes people able to fall in love with strangers within four days. And yes, if you’re counting, we are only two months into 2020 and I’ve already watched two shows where human beings shout words at a wall to communicate with each other. My mother is very proud. Anyway, once the contestants fall in love, sight unseen, the couples get engaged, get to meet, go on a trip, and plan a wedding. It’s all about as horrifyingly awkward as you would imagine. In fact, I have been shrieking in my apartment for days. I’m pleasantly surprised none of my neighbors have called the police, but also am slightly concerned that if I’m getting murdered I’m sh*t out of luck. Oh well! But, I’m sure I’m not the only one who was left shrieking through the awkwardness, right? So let me remind you of your horror, and let’s take a look at the most shriek-worthy moments of the season so far!
Nick And Vanessa Lachey
It’s so sweet of Netflix to provide a graveyard for the C-list boy band has-beens of the world! Everyone needs a final resting place, even if they were never Justin Timberlake. So, I was fine when Nick and Vanessa showed up in the first episode, thinking they would be the hosts. But then, they didn’t appear again until the couples got to Mexico, and Vanessa seemed like she had never read lines in her life. That’s when it became very obvious to me that the Lacheys needed Netflix for a free trip to Mexico. I had to look away, I was so embarrassed for them. I have a suggestion, guys. Cash in on this fame resurgence you’re getting from Jessica’s book, pay for your own trip to Mexico, and don’t ever remind me again how pathetic you are.
I hope you held your head low when you picked up your paycheck, Lacheys
Jessica’s Baby Voice
Jessica! You are 34. You were practically alive when Kennedy was assassinated. Sienna Miller is in a movie playing a grandmother younger than that! You don’t need to sound like you walked out of your mother’s womb in 2016. It’s just not necessary. This show is called LOVE IS BLIND, not LOVE IS DEAF, so I would think you’d want to sound as normal as humanly possible. Not the case for Jess. I mean, except when she was talking to the camera and sounded like a totally capable adult woman. WHAT WAS THAT?! Perhaps this show wasn’t the only experiment going on—I think Jessica was conducting an experiment of her own. And her findings? Men do indeed LOVE a baby voice. Betches writers do not.
Carlton In Mexico
I’m sorry, but Carlton was the worst. Not only did he walk out on women that he did not deem interesting enough when they were in the pods, he also treated his fiancée Diamond like sh*t. First, he didn’t confide in the woman to whom he got engaged that he was bisexual. AND THEN! When he did, he expected her immediate acceptance without even a discussion, and when she wanted to talk about it he screamed that her wig was sliding off. HE INSULTED HER WIG!! This is a man that producers deemed mature enough to get married within a few weeks? Honestly, I don’t know what else he said past the wig drama because, as I’ve mentioned, I was shrieking, but I’m sure it also was terrible. His behavior combined with his hat that said “Daddy” on it made it physically impossible for me to watch any of his scenes in Mexico not through my fingertips.
Damian and Gigi’s Proposal
Look, it’s awkward enough to watch something as intimate as a proposal. Add in the barrier of a lava lamp wall, and it’s even weirder. Then, mix in the fact that these people met only days ago, and it’s nearly unbearable. And finally, have the man proposing announce “I am your gift” while wearing a bow around his wrist, and I’m honestly shocked I did not spontaneously combust into particles of blood and guts. I did nearly drop my wine bottle, though, which would have been tragic because I still had to get through Gigi proposing BACK to Damian instead of doing the sane thing and saying, “That’s so nice you think you’re a gift, but can I get mozzarella sticks instead?”. Needless to say, my wine bottle did not make it through the rest of the evening.
Gigi’s Continued Mention of the “Days Without Sex” Memes
Day 329 without sex: I went to Starbucks just so I could hear somebody scream my name
— ryki (@ryankii) July 14, 2018
Speaking of Gigi, she is one of the main reasons my throat is hoarse this morning. The second she started quoting the “Days Without Sex” memes at dinner to Damian I thought I would never recover. We get it, you want to have sex. Can’t you just raise one eyebrow at him and say “eh?” like a socially awkward normal person? You don’t need to go saying year-old memes out loud! It’s not cool! And it still wasn’t cool when you used the same joke again at the bar with the other girls! Is this what the world is like when you don’t have access to your phone? Instead of DM’ing things, you must speak them? That’s the Bad Place.
All The Couples Meeting for the First Time
Well this was savage. I love that the producers sent all the couples to the same hotel for their trip, and forced them to meet up with the very people that they had been dating only DAYS prior to getting engaged to someone else. Oh yeah, and they provided alcohol. If that’s not a recipe for Jessica regretting her choices fun, I don’t know what is! Jessica talking to Barnett was the most desperate thing I’ve ever seen, I could not even watch. But, I think we all might be Jessica when she returned from the night to say about the man she is SO OBVIOUSLY pining over: “he’s deeply troubled.”
Barnett and Amber’s Entire Relationship
Is it me, or do Barnett and Amber seem like a couple from Are You The One? instead of Love is Blind? Like, if this was one of my first impression articles about contestants, it would go something like this:
Barnett: Every show has to have a douchey frat bro for Ryanne to throw herself at in their DMs, and Barnett is that guy on Love is Blind. He 100% does not want to get married, but does want to get laid as many times as possible with minimal effort. Look for him to not make the final commitment and end up hooking up with all three girls he was pursuing after the show.
So I guess he’s back on the market then
Amber: Amber is the kind of girl that will ruin your life and enjoy doing it. Watch out Barnett, she’ll find you.
Ooohh probably not for long…
So, as you can see, I totally think this will work out. Kidding! I totally think they’re going to get the police called on them, break up and get back together numerous times until one of them decides to leave the country and “find themselves”, and never hold down a real job again. Perhaps I’m being harsh, but I do say all of this after Amber bit Barnett’s arm in the bar, and he said in regular conversation “speaking of bareback…” so maybe I’m not being harsh enough.
And that’s what stuck out to me during these first five episodes! I’m looking forward to losing my voice again tonight while watching the new episodes; hit me up in the comments and let me know what you all found shriek-worthy in Love is Blind!
Images: Netflix; Giphy (3), barnettisblind, jessicabatten/Instagram, ryankii/Twitter
In case you haven’t been paying attention, The Bachelorette is not a show about finding love. It is not a show about reality. It is a money-making empire designed to f*ck with our feelings, pad Mike Fleiss’ dirty, shameful pockets, and pluck a few pretty people from obscurity and throw them into moderate internet fame. For the few of you that still believed, I’m sorry I ruined the show for you, and also my pal Jack just sold me some magic beans I think you might be interested in! Venmo me!
Because it’s a TV show designed to bring in viewers, obviously the producers try to pick contestants that will bring the drama. But lately, instead of bringing the drama, they have been bringing the sex offenders, the racists, the cheaters, and the misogynists. I’m not sure if they’re stupid or just don’t give a sh*t. One day I’d like to investigate that, so if you’re a Bachelor producer please hit me up, and also I’m sorry I just called you lazy and stupid. And I’m sorry for repeating it here now. So, I decided to take a look back at some of the worst contestants to ever grace The Bachelorette, ranked from “you’re a douche” to “I’m calling the police. Oh wait, someone else already did.” Let us begin!
Bentley is a throwback to the simpler days, when reality TV show villains were just your garden-variety f*ckboys, instead of your garden-variety convicted felons. My, how times have changed! Bentley was on Ashley Hebert’s season way back in 2011, a beautiful time when my parents still paid for everything and three drinks didn’t make me throw up. Bentley went into the season hoping the Bachelorette would be Emily Maynard, and when it wasn’t, decided to have his fun, pretend to be into Ashley, and emotionally torture her instead. A man after my own heart. He called breaking up with Ashley a “huge performance,” and said she was an “ugly duckling.” Yes, I also can’t believe this guy made it to the “best” spot on my list.
Be nice to this one, Bentley!
Chad Johnson, aka Mr. Meats, showed up to Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette with an unsettling smile, a lot of rage, and likely, the steroids he smuggled through security up his butt. He outwardly sneered at the other men, and looked down on them for being on a reality show… that he was also on. He also threatened to “cut everyone’s arms and legs off” which is apparently a “violently inappropriate” phrase, according to the official reprimand I received from my office that one time.
And as if all that wasn’t enough, Chad then went to Paradise, shat his pants, and was kicked off for “offensive antics”, which included the aforementioned pants sh*tting, and telling Chris Harrison, the Godfather himself, “f*ck you.” Single ladies, this is what we have left! And he was “vetted”!
So I guess he’s still hitting the steroids pretty hard
I’m not going to waste too much time on Jed, because we already know he went on The Bachelorette with the intention of getting famous and returning to his girlfriend when he was done. You ain’t sh*t, Jed. Also, everyone goes on this show to get famous, but Jed was just too stupid to to hide it. Try harder, Jed! It makes it even worse that we know he’s in the final three. At least have the grace to see yourself out before the fantasy suite, you two-timing Tim McGraw wannabe.
Also every time he sang the words “I want to be your Mr. Right” it sent a violent shiver down my spine and an angel lost her wings.
I should have known he was a cat person.
While Becca’s season was on, it was revealed that Garrett had liked a number of problematic Instagram posts. So, instead of ending up with a middle-aged, washed-up race car driver with a limited vocabulary, she ended up with a dude who thinks the Parkland students are crisis actors and probably says things about her friends like, “they’re a 2 at 10 and a 10 at 2!” Becca got so lucky.
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Loved working with @wayfair Registry to get everything we needed for Becca and my new Carlsbad pad! We were able to blend both of our styles to make this new city feel like home. Link in bio to shop the space and head over to the @wayfair page today for some fun behind the scenes photos from the makeover! #wayfairwedding #wayfairathome #partner
He took up way too much of our time at the Men Tell All, so I’ll just say that this list is so bad that slut-shamers land solidly in the middle. Congrats, Luke! You’re not the most vile! And that’s the nicest thing I’ll ever say about you.
You, sir, are not guac.
Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette was historic—she was the first black Bachelorette in the history of the franchise. To celebrate, the producers rewarded her with a suitor that was racist. So sweet! Again I ask, are the producers lazy, or just stupid, or are they actually all puppies dressed in suits pretending to run background checks? Twitter is not the dark web! It is pretty easy to find out if one of your contestants has tweeted that, say, Black Lives Matter is a terrorist group, or, maybe, really hates women. As my mother says to me when she’s found the man I’m dating has fathered multiple children, “did you not just conduct a simple Google search?”
I WOULD SUGGEST YOU CONDUCT A SIMPLE GOOGLE SEARCH, ABC.
We’ve now moved into the sexual harassment portion of the article. Leo was the romance novel cover model (I could be making that up, but it’s true in my brain), who finished in the top six on Becca’s season. Then he went to Paradise where he proceeded to try and fight America’s Sweetheart, Grocery Store Joe. After he left the show, Bekah Martinez revealed screenshots of a woman accusing him of sexual harassment. Leo’s response was “I’m sorry that girl was offended that I assaulted her,” (I paraphrase), and then proceeded to threaten Bekah with a lawsuit as all truly innocent people do.
And finally we have Lincoln, who was actually CONVICTED of indecent assault after attacking a woman on a cruise ship, and is required to register as a sex offender. They let a sex offender pursue our Bachelorette! People think I’m extreme for bookmarking the sex offender registry, but I think ABC producers would really benefit from having a look at my browsing history. It would save everyone a lot of lawsuits trouble. Oh, yeah, and this guy used to sh*t on the floor at work. That’s too many contestants that have trouble controlling their bowels, man.
His last post was over a year ago, because he’s in jail, I presume?
I’m sure I’m forgetting so many trash men that have been vetted and let on this show for our entertainment, but I only have so much time, energy, and brain power that I can dedicate to this show before it melts my organs. Throw the losers I forgot in the comments, please!
Images: bentley_w, realchadjohnson, jedwyatt, gy_yrigoyen, luke_parker777, leegarrett_, leofdot, linkin_/ Instagram
Let’s face it, Mike Fleiss controls our lives. For approximately nine months out of the year we’re watching some iteration of The Bachelor, or reading spoilers about The Bachelor, or sliding into the DMs of eliminated Bachelorette contestants, or buying FabFitFun boxes with the code AMANDA for 20% off. No? Just me then? Cool. So, even though we’re still so early in Hannah’s season that multiple steroid users with mommy issues remain instead of just the one final steroid user with mommy issues, that’s not going to stop me from talking about Bachelor in Paradise. But not this upcoming season of Paradise—we’ve already got that covered—I’d like to talk about our couples from past seasons, because why not beat a dead horse!!!
Shockingly, Bachelor in Paradise has a not-completely-abysmal track record for couples. I mean, sure, the show hasn’t quite gotten the consent thing down, but they seem to not be utter trash at pairing up couples. So, in advance of the new season, I’ve decided to make a very scientific ranking of power couples that have come out of Paradise. This ranking is based solely on my personal preference (it’s my article, betches) and the couples’ Instagram followers, which we all know is the only real show of power these days. Without further ado, here is my Bachelor in Paradise couple power ranking!
7. Astrid Loch and Kevin Wendt
Combined Instagram Followers: over 800k
Astrid and Kevin may have more Instagram followers than some of the couples that rank higher on this list, but they live in Canada so that immediately gets them dead last. You can’t be a power couple in Canada unless one half of you is Drake. Plus, Kevin looks like someone disassembled James Marsden and put him back together wrong, which I find very disturbing. Maybe if these two move to Nashville, attend Stagecoach, and get a goldendoodle, then we can talk.
6. Krystal Nielson and Chris Randone
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 800k
There is no way Ms. Baby Voice herself and a man nicknamed Goose are actually a couple, and I remain steadfast in my belief that this is a long con. WHAT ARE YOU TWO PLAYING AT?
5. Raven Gates and Adam Gottschalk
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.3 million
Raven and Adam just got engaged and I almost completely forgot to put them on this list. So that’s not a great indication of power, is it? But sure! I’m happy they found love and Instagram sponsorships in each other’s arms! But Raven still better keep a stiletto close by, just in case Adam decides to cheat.
4. Carly Waddell and Evan Bass
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.4 million
This couple was hard to rank. On the one hand, they have a large Instagram following, Carly has a popular podcast with Jade, and they have a second paycheck child on the way. On the other hand, I truly believe their pepper kiss was the monster in Bird Box. So they’re going to have to settle for the middle of the pack, just like Carly eventually settled for Evan.
A real thing Carly said about her future husband:
3. Kendall Long and Joe Amabile
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.5 million
I ranked these two higher than they really have a right to be because I PREDICTED THIS PAIRING LAST YEAR. Usually I’m only good at predicting deaths (sorry Grams!), so this is a real coup for me, and all my friends and casual acquaintances can attest to the fact that I’ve not shut up about it for the last 365 days. So, for my own sake, I want them to be a power couple. And they are pretty popular—Joe rode his Bachelorette night one elimination right into appearances on Dancing with the Stars and Bachelor in Paradise, and Kendall is into taxidermy and people aren’t even horrified by it. If that’s not power, I don’t know what is.
2. Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon
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Jared and my coed bridal shower #ad had donuts, hot dogs, sliders, and some great friends sharing stories about our past and giving us advice for our future. AND! We also got @crateandbarrel presents! It doesn’t get much better. Thank you so much for this night I’ll always remember, #cratewedding!
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.7 million
I really didn’t want to rank Ashley and Jared this high, because you should never let the crying, snotting, unrelentingly pathetic terrorists win, but alas, even I can’t argue with their popularity. They have so much power, their entire wedding appears to be sponsored by Crate & Barrel, which I’m sure is a relief for her father who most certainly does not want to spend $100,000 only to see his daughter divorce her Applebee’s manager husband in a few years.
Ashley and Jared are also the stars of their own YouTube reality show, Rose Buds. Well, actually, I have no idea if they’re the stars being that I have never watched, will never watch, and am pretty sure the only people that watch are prisoners currently being tortured by the CIA. When you escape, let us know if it’s good, guys!!
An actual thing Ashley said to her future husband:
1. Jade Roper and Tanner Tolbert
Combined Instagram Followers: over 1.7 million
This is kind of a no-brainer. Everyone knows that Jade & Tanner are the ultimate power couple to come out of Bachelor in Paradise, because they’ve made the most money off of it. That’s how we rank power in America, right? They’ve got the most Instagram followers, she’s got a podcast, and they’re also on Rose Buds (again, I think!!).
Not only do Jade and Tanner have a large and devout following, but they’ve also been together the longest of all the couples on this list, almost a full four years! I mean yeah, I’ve had cups in my room longer than that, but for this show it’s not nothing!
And there are your Paradise power couples! I hope they enjoy it while it lasts, because I’m sure when Demi finds her prey—sorry I mean love—this summer, she’ll be coming for the crown.
Images: Giphy (3); astridloch, coachkrystal_, ravennicolegates, joeamabile1, ashley_iaconetti/Instagram
After a brief hiatus where we were all free to spend our Monday evenings doing laundry, or going to the gym, or crying into a wine glass the size of a mixing bowl (just me?), or really doing anything other than being held hostage by Mike Fleiss for 2-4 goddamn hours, ABC is back on their bullsh*t with the newest season of The Bachelorette. But guess what, betches? SO. AM. I. As some of you may recall, I’m the resident recapper for all things Bachelor-related, and I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and
tears consuming obscene amounts of alcohol. My parents are so proud. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been dreading this moment ever since last season, when Chris Harrison promised me the most dramatic season ever and instead I got eight weeks of watching a relationship that could have been built over an Instagram DM.
I’m slightly more hopeful for The Bachelorette, despite the fact that I’m already mentally preparing myself to hear the phrase “Roll Tide!” no less than 1,000 times in this two-hour episode. In case anyone forgot, yes, Hannah B aka Alabama Hannah aka Little Miss Professional Runner-Up is the new Bachelorette! I feel like this season we might be in for a real treat and get a more down-to-earth, can’t-be-swayed-by-the-Flat-Tummy-Tea-deals type of Bachelorette, or we’ll get the type who won’t be able to speak words. As I said, a real treat!
And on that note, let’s get to recapping, shall we?
Just to set the mood for you guys, my dog, after seeing me break open a bottle of rosé and hearing the beginnings of Chris Harrison’s opening monologue, has already fled to the bedroom. She was Team Caelynn, so I guess you could say we’re a divided house now. Moving on.
God, Hannah is so uncomfortable to watch already. Production is trying to get in the obligatory Bachelorette-thinking-about-the-dismal-state-of-her-love-life shot and she’s acting like she just discovered she has arms and legs. It’s like she’s never recorded herself for a Fab Fit Fun partnership before? How refreshing.
HANNAH B: I know I just have to completely be myself.
ALSO HANNAH B ANYTIME A CAMERA GETS NEAR HER:
Jesus. I’m going to need more wine for this.
Is it just me or does this episode feel like it’s moving super fast? We’re already watching home video footage of the prospective suitors. If this were Colton’s season we’d still be watching Ashley I lecture a crowd of fans about finding love when
you least expect it the guy has dated literally everybody else first and getting updates from Shirley in Lansing, MI about her viewing party.
But back to the home video footage of the prospective suitors. I always love this part of the premiere, because nine times out of ten the men they show in these videos are not going to make it to the end. If anything, it weeds out which ones are looking for something serious and which ones are just emotionally stunted circus animals masquerading as attractive, single men. I love it. Dance monkeys, dance!
That said, here are my first impressions:
– I was here for Tyler the contractor until he compared himself to a young Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Now I need to go bleach my eyeballs in the hopes of unseeing that entire scene. Brb.
– Mike, you seem sweet, but that turtleneck is giving me some serious flashbacks to Nick Viall lisping about giving Raven her first orgasm. It’s off-putting to say the least.
I DON’T TRUST IT.
– Okay, did they literally just put out a casting call for another Grocery Store Joe. Italian? Into boxes? From Chicago? THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GROCERY STORE JOE, ABC. And this hack sure ain’t it.
– Luke already looks like a front runner. Crossfit? Check. Casually highlighting passages in the bible? Double check. Pimping out his brother’s child for this intro video?
I’m wet. Check, check, check. Wait. Did Luke just say that God talked to him in the shower? I take back every nice thing I just said about him. I’m sorry, Luke, but an orgasm after jerking off in the shower is not God talking to you. It’s a just natural body reaction. Someone get this kid The Care and Keeping of You STAT!
THE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS
Moving on to the limo introductions. Hannah B shows up to the Bachelor mansion dressed like a goddamn vision in silver sequins. I can’t decide if I truly love this dress or if it reminds me of the floor of a Forever21. Probably both.
The first man comes out of the limo and I’m truly on the edge of my seat. I love this part of night one because we get to see whose producers are rooting for them and whose producers want to immortalize them as a meme by 10pm eastern time. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
Do we think Hannah told them not to do any stupid gags? Because these guys are not impressing me. I haven’t even heard one “Roll Tide!” Just as I’m starting to think the HR meeting we had last week on the use of appropriate fonts in work emails was more entertaining than this episode, one guy takes a stab at what’s left of Colton’s dignity (spoiler alert: there’s nothing left) and jumps the Bachelor mansion fence as his intro. What we don’t see is Chris Harrison physically recoiling in the background at the mere mention of fence jumping.
A guy who looks like he would roofie my drink introduces himself as John Paul Jones. Watch out, girls, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this guy. If I know anything about guys who go by three names and refer to themselves in the third person, it’s that they’re destined for big things. And by “big things” I mean a true crime docu-series in which we learn all about the bodies they’ve stashed in their freezers. Good luck with this one though, Hans!
Next, we have a wannabe grocery store Joe who apparently thinks the way to woo a woman is by scaring the sh*t out of her. He’s just lucky Hannah is from Alabama. You pull that sh*t on a girl in New York and his ass would be pepper sprayed.
CAM: I’ve been practicing my freestyle. Spitting some game, if you will.
Seriously, what did we do to deserve this? In the immortal words of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi: “I’m a good fucking person!” I’m not gonna lie, I thought his little white boy rapper schtick was cute during the “After The Final Rose” taping. Was it obnoxious? Yes. Did it make me want to delete all my dating apps and commit to a life of solitude with only my dogs to keep my company? Just a little. But, hey, at least he was memorable! Now, though, he’s forced us to sit through not one but TWO raps, and I’m rethinking my earlier stance on the matter. That’s strike two, Cammie. Strike three and you’ll be getting a VERY detailed complaint from me in your DMs. Don’t poke the bear, buddy.
Next up we have Peter, who walks out in his pilot uniform and just made every girl in America consider sliding into his DMs. I know I am.
Peter, you can call me.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
I’m going to end the limo introductions on that high note with Peter and move on to the cocktail party portion of the evening. Hannah starts things off by sending out a quick prayer about not completely humiliating herself tonight. Relatable. It’s a nice sentiment, Hannah, but I think your prayers would be better directed at the Church of Mike Fleiss if you want to save yourself from public shame. Just a tip!
One of the guys pulls Hannah aside because he wants to throw her a proper bachelorette party. I’m sorry, but does this kid know how bachelorette parties work? There’s no need for this elaborate theme park he’s set up here. All he needed to do was give her nine shots of tequila and call it a night.
Cam, feeling cocky with that first rose, steals the first kiss from Hannah. He prefaces the kiss by saying “he doesn’t usually do this” which is something I say after pounding wine at happy hour and getting felt up by a random guy in the corner by the bathrooms, but fine Cam. Stick with that story.
I love that Demi has had almost, if not more, screen time than Chris Harrison this episode. If this is ABC priming her for host status I. am. here. for. it. Speaking of which, Demi and some random girl from Colton’s season whose name I cannot recall roll up to the Bachelor mansion in the van my mother always warned me about as a child. They’re here to do some “recon” on Hannah’s men, which can only mean they’re here to ruin lives. *turns up volume*
Demi says that some girl DMed her on Instagram and told her that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home, as if that’s enough of an explanation for why she rented out the van pedophiles use on Law & Order: SVU to lure children in with free candy. K.
So, wait. This nerd Scott is supposed to be the scumbag? He couldn’t even string a full sentence together when he introduced himself earlier in the night and he’s supposed to be this master manipulator? I would like to see the screenshots of these DMs. SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS.
Okay, I am LIVING for Hannah right in this moment. Instead of acting calm or taking a minute to process the information she immediately goes on the offense and confronts Scott. I think he just wet himself a little. YESSSS GIRL. GET IT.
ME WATCHING HANNAH COME FOR SCOTT RN:
I can’t believe he admitted to dumping a girl to come on the show!! These are things you can’t just admit on national television, buddy! He’s like “well weren’t you dating Colton like five minutes ago?” Oh, yeah, that’s good Scott. Casually slut-shame the Bachelorette on night one. In hindsight, I should have known Scott was garbage because here I was all episode thinking he was cute. Sighs.
Hannah comes back into the house and breaks the news to the other men about why Scott was sent home. Meanwhile, every guy in that room is staring at her like they’re hoping their girlfriends back home are a little less vindictive than Scott’s. Try to look a little less terrified, boys!
Luke heads off to try and cheer Hannah up and also start campaigning for his position as the next Bachelor. Is it just me or is this guy is a little too good to be true? Hmm? Like, what’s your motive, sir? To respect and uplift women? Yeah, I’m not buying it.
But I guess I’m the only one, because Luke gets the First Impression Rose, effectively proving that anyone can come back from growling at the Bachelorette on the first date.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
We made it to the first rose ceremony of the season, and not one single guy got wasted and jumped in the pool. Boooooo. Garrett does seem far to nervous about his status on the show. As if there was ever a question that a traditionally attractive white golfer from Alabama was not getting a rose. Please.
Final rose cut: Brian, Hunter, Ryan, Thomas, Old McDonald, wannabe grocery store Joe, and Chasen all get sent home night one.
The only one I’m truly surprised about is Chasen. Despite the fact that his name makes me want to report his parents to child services, he was a stone cold hottie AND a pilot. Obviously, Hannah is not thinking about the
bigger picture free flights she could have gotten out of this relationship. Shame.
And on that note, I’m outtie, betches. Until next week!
Images: ABC; Giphy (5); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)
I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 34-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode: @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for years. When I first started, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs and Instagram couldn’t help a person pay rent. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were follower thirsty. The last few seasons they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to find a way to write “influencer” thirty different ways. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me at an outdoor cafe while we make fun of the people who walk past except I’m not on my fifth vodka soda and hoarding the french fries. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid), where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
So I can’t really remember a more hated bachelorette. Becca had the public behind her because she got dumped so brutally by Arie. Rachel was liked by everyone plus she was the first black bachelorette so that added a lot of positive social momentum. And JoJo was, and will always be, my… I mean, OUR queen.
The problem with Hannah is that she’s not “us.” And what I mean by “us” is that she’s not relatable to anyone who watches the show. She was the 2018 Miss Alabama USA. Come on. Beauty pageant winner is the least relatable person alive. At one point in her life someone was like “Your so hot we gotta make you compete against other hot people to see who’s hottest!” And then she got trained in the pageant world. So not only is she this gorgeous woman but now she has this really defined view on what makes good manners and class that none of us even know. You saw it on the show with Colton. There was one moment she claimed that she couldn’t handle a man she’s dating being with other women. Well Hannah, that’s literally the show.
It didn’t help matters that when she was revealed as the Bachelorette and introduced to some of the guys, she couldn’t even put a sentence together. She literally sounded like the Charlie Brown parents. We all sat there thinking “Didn’t she do pageants?! Shouldn’t she be good at all of this stuff?!”
So now we’re all kind of here thinking she skated by on looks and her pageant talent was communicating via weird noises that aren’t words.
Let’s meet the men Hannah will correct on how to hold a fork at a fine dining event.
Brian is a 30-year-old math teacher from Kentucky who calls himself a “pun and sarcasm enthusiast.” I really don’t like anyone that considers themselves an enthusiast about anything. Especially for puns and sarcasm. One minute they’re like “Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula!” And you’re like “This is fun!” And the next minute they’re like “How many Jews are too many in this country?!” And you’re like “WHAT?” And they’re like “I’m sarcastic!! Everyone’s so sensitive now!”
Cam is a 30-year-old from Austin who does software sales. This is one of those bios that sounds more important than it actually is. Like he could easily say he “works in tech in Austin” at a bar on Rainey street and convince a girl on a bachelor party that he’s someone important. Here’s the reality, everyone in Austin works in software sales. Dell Computers was the first tech company to set up shop there and then everyone made some money and started spinning off their own companies. The women in Austin are rolling their eyes at Cam. They call it “Never Never Land” because the men don’t want to grow up. A guy saying he lives in Austin to work in software sales is like someone saying they got on a cruise ship to get to an island. Cam lives and works in Austin because nobody cares that you still rent at 30.
Chasen is a-27 year-old pilot who won’t win, but viewers will LOVE. The audience loves men with jobs they learned about in elementary school. But his name is Chasen. I can’t imagine a man over the age of nine with the name Chasen. It sounds like the name of a kid whose mom would yell “Chasen! Honey! You know you can’t eat peanuts! You’re allergic! Come here! Mommy has a gluten free lettuce wrap with sprouts! You love sprouts! Now come here and say goodbye to your friend Greyson!!”
Conner J is a 28-year-old sales manager from California whose grandmother says “deserves a sexy woman who is ready to give her grandkids.” That’s one of those statements none of us want to hear a grandmother say. In fact, when I read it, I imagined an old woman crouched over pointing at Conner J’s balls like she was a barker at a carnival. “Come right up ladies!! I’m gonna need you to be sexy and fertile for my boy here!! Gimmie those grandkids!!! Gimmie gimmie gimmie!!!” Was that Conner’s grandma or my mom at temple on the high holidays? I’m not sure.
Connor S is a 24-year-old investment analyst from Dallas who refers to himself as a “Travel junkie.” A “travel junkie?!” At 24?! That’s an insult to junkies. Was there a Disney cruise his parents brought him on that made him this so-called junkie?! Homeless people doing sexual favors for drugs didn’t get that way after one line of coke. They didn’t snort one line, turn to their friends and say “Welp! Time to dance on a piece of cardboard for the rest of my life!” You had a good time doing a semester abroad in an English-speaking country Conner. That’s it.
Daron is a 25-year-old IT Consultant from Atlanta who says he’s a giant teddy bear. I can’t disagree with that. Ever see someone you just want to hug? Like you’re out on the street and they’re a bit bigger and beefier and they’re in a puffy coat and you think, “I wish I could hug this person non-sexually and fall asleep in their arms for 10 minutes?!” Well that’s Daron for me. And guess what?! You can see Daron and I presenting our business “Bonerless Hugs” on the season finale of Shark Tank NEXT WEEK!
Devin is a 27-year-old talent manager from California. Imagine moving to LA to be an actor. You’ve given up everything. You’re take acting classes, working horrible jobs, and you deal with the embarrassment of everyone telling you how little chance you have of “making it.” Then you get a manager, his name is Devin, he’s got a weird part shaved into his head but that means he must be VERY Hollywood. It feels like you’re finally making headway. Your mom comes to visit and she cautiously asks how the acting is going and you confidently respond, “It’s great! I finally have a manager. I actually have to call him about our next steps now. I’m sure he’s got a few scripts for me to read.” Then you call his office and there’s no answer. So you try his cell. He picks up. He’s breathing heavy. He screams “HEY. I CANT TALK RIGHT NOW. WE’RE MUD WRESTLING ON THIS GROUP DATE! I’ll CALL YOU BACK!” Devin hangs up. You keep the phone to your ear. Your mom is looking at you. Wide-eyed. Excited. You say into the phone, “Sounds great. Email me the script.”
How dare you, Devin. How dare you.
Dustin is a 30-year-old real estate broker from Chicago. Dustin’s bio says the following:
The son of a single mom, Dustin says that if a woman wants to be with him, she’ll definitely need mom’s approval first.
The reason for this bio is that the key to sticking around an extra week is having any type of struggle. So we’re definitely meeting Dustin’s mom during episode one. And she’s going to do a teary eyed interview where she whispers “That’s my babay.” But it’s funny that this even needs to be said. Oh you’d like your mom’s approval?! I planned on bringing home my girlfriend and saying “This is Jess! You get what you get you old bag!!”
Dylan is a 24-year-old tech entrepreneur from San Diego, who has a boat and started a company where people can work out while giving food to those in need. Or if you’re a normal person you read that as “Rich rich rich, rich rich. Rich rich loaded. My parents have generational wealth.”
Dylan is so rich that he’s 24 and he’s about to take a two-month vacation away from his new business. A business that sounds like the idea of an idealistic third grader; “And we’ll have a gym. And it’ll have food. And every time someone does a squat a gumdrop will come out of their butt to feed the homeless!!”
Garrett is a 27-year-old golf pro from Birmingham, Alabama whose sister-in-law signed him up because she thought he had a lot in common with Hannah. It’s weird to get set up with someone but can you imagine your sister-in-law being like, “I have the best girl for you!” And you’re like “Awesome! Let’s see a picture.” And then she’s like “Let’s watch the whole season!!” And you’re like “What?!” And then you realize your sister-in-law had a baby and lost all contact with her friends and she’s so crazy that she thinks she has the ability to set you up with someone she watched on TV. So instead of finding his sister-in-law help, Garrett went with it and is now on the show.
So Grant is unemployed and his bio says he hates a bunch of things that the internet has decided it’s ok to hate (i.e. CrossFit). He also plans on calling people out. Grant came on for fame I’m totally fine with that. There’s two ways these guys go. The less fun way is when they act like they’re actually trying to get the girl and they get annoying and we all know they won’t win. The best way is when they act as an on-camera producer. They gossip. They wink at the audience during interviews. They pit two men taking themselves way too seriously on a dating show against one another for our enjoyment. I’m hoping Grant is a man of the people and creates some action.
Hunter is a 24-year-old pro surfer who lives with his parents and isn’t getting past the first week. Hannah just doesn’t seem like the type to hear that and even keep the conversation going. I can imagine her saying “Oh! A pro surfer!! Coooooool.” And while she was saying the elongated “cool” she’s turning and walking away while a dejected Hunter daydreams of a gnarly rip-curl.
Jed is a 25-year-old singer/songwriter from Nashville Tennessee and he might have the worst neck to head size ratio I’ve ever seen. He looks like a centaur except it’s part giraffe, part Jed’s head.
I’m excited for Jed to make it pretty far then come back next season as the band they freak out about as if they’re famous while we all sit at home and whisper as a nation,”Who?!”
Joe is 30 and refers to himself as “The Box King” because he works at his family’s box company (Honestly, Joe seems like the type to say “They call me the box king” and then stick his tongue out before whispering “Oral.”). Joe enjoys going to Vegas and club hoping. Reading “Enjoys Vegas and club hoping” on a dating app is worse to me than reading “Sometimes I forget to take the pill!”
I think this show might kill Joe. The last thing a club-hopping Vegas guy like Joe needs is 200k female Instagram followers. I have a feeling that five years from now we’re going to see a collaboration between Joe and someone from The Jersey Shore on a show called “Celebrity STD Club.”
Joey is a 33-year-old finance manager who claims to have spent his 20s having adventures. His greatest adventure is the path the barber took with the part on his head. I’ve seen this haircut a bunch and I honestly don’t get it. What does it look like when he wakes up? Is this really popular with geometry fans?! How do you even ask for this?! “Hey! Give me a line like the one on my ASICS sneakers!”
John Paul Jones
Ya John Paul Jones is 24 and goes by John Paul Jones and only drinks champagne. Judging by his bio, he came on this show to be the villain. He’s already doing a great job. His face is really tough for me to look at without clenching my fist. I honestly can’t believe that in 2019 someone who looks like JPJ is allowed on TV. I feel like we’re going to read an article about how someone felt triggered by his presence. The headline will be “Guy Who Looks Like The Mascot For White Privilege Is Triggering Students At Colby College.”
Jonathan is a 27-year-old server who says religion plays a “very important role” in his life. I have no relation to that quote. Nothing against religion. I just don’t know what I’d say if a producer was like “What plays a very important role in your life?” I’d be like, “Umm I don’t know. I guess it’s important for a restaurant to have those bathrooms that are their own room and the sinks are communal so you can sit on the toilet for a while without people realizing that you’ve been in there twenty minutes. And family. Family is important too I guess. But really that type of bathroom is the best.”
Kevin is a 27-year-old behavioral health specialist who helps vets deal with trauma. Kevin seems great. But there’s one thing about Kevin that seems horrible: it says that he’d like to travel more but he won’t go anywhere that doesn’t have an available gym. I can’t imagine traveling with this guy. You wake up to go to the beach and he’s packing up protein and lifting gloves into a backpack to go to a gym he found in the Dominican. You decide to have a couple drinks as he sits in front of you drinking water from a gallon jug. You say, “Skip the gym today! Let’s go jet skiing!” And Kevin’s like, “IT’S CALF DAY!”
Luke P is a import/export manager from Georgia who says he had a religious awakening in college. It seems like there’s two types of men on this season’s cast—religious, and someone who might spit on a church—without any in-between. It’s like one of the producers decided they wanted to see who would win: God, or everyone who has ever ordered bottle service at Lavo.
Luke is a 29-year-old political consultant who says he’s a tequila expert. I’m not even sure what that means. I’m annoyed by Luke. He looks like a toddler whose mom dressed him up for church. He also claims he hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush. The whole bio is annoying. I’m imagining Luke at a bar in Adams Morgan telling his story about that time he almost scored with EmRata. He sips on a mezcal and then comments on the smokiness. The thought of it makes my blood boil. I want to follow him around and interrupt every time he brings up that story. He’s like “Ya, so Emily totally blushed” and I jump in like, “NO NO NO. Women blush when they don’t want to talk to you. She probably was wondering why a model for The Gap Kids was talking to her.” Then I’d walk out of the restaurant, get into my Nissan Sentra and listen to Dave Matthews until Luke goes to another bar.
Matt Donald is the name that this guy is going with. Ya, I don’t know either. He’s a 26-year-old medical device salesman who has deaf family members so he’ll definitely be signing “Nice to meet you” or something when he gets out of the limo.” If it were me I’d sign, “I just farted” and say it was “Nice to meet you” just to have fun with the people at home. But that’s just me.
Matt Donald (yes that’s his name) says he’s an old-fashioned guy. That should be the biggest red flag for women. Saying you’re an “old-fashioned guy” is the easiest way to lie to a woman. That puts it all on them to imagine what their version of old fashion means. He sells medical devices. He’s going on a tv show to meet his wife. He communicates with his mouth, hands, and a computer in his pocket. I don’t think there’s anyone less old-fashioned than Matt Donald (that’s his name). He’ll end up not texting for a week and then you’ll call him out on it and he’ll say he’s old-fashioned while he’s busy on a dating app. You know, just like the guys in the fifties.
Each season one guy has a bio that goes a bit viral and Matteo is this season’s guy. Matteo is a sperm donor who helped create 114 children. He’s basically patient zero for 23 And Me. What people are overlooking is why his sperm has been used so much. He’s a mechanical engineer who graduated from Georgia Tech (legit). He’s a good-looking guy. He’s exactly what all of you would choose from a book of sperm. His sperm gets you into college, graduates you at the top of your class, makes you hirable, and lets you eat whatever you want while keeping those bottom abs that create the V towards your groin. Don’t blame Matteo for being the perfect specimen. Blame yourself and your sperm nobody would ever want.
Matthew is 23, and his bio says that he works at his family’s auctioneering company. Then it says that he’s working on a real estate license. And finally, the bio says that he’d like to work at his family’s winery. So what the hell is going on? I’ll tell you. Matthew is a “waiter.” Not at a restaurant. He’s waiting on his parents to die so he can collect their money and stop spending his days looking busy. And due to that, we’re going to be seeing a lot of Matthew for the next two years. He’ll be on this show and then paradise and then he’ll disappear. If you ever look around three years from now and think “Whatever happened to Matthew?” Know that his parents passed away and he retired to their winery.
Mike’s bio reads like it was made to make a woman so hot that she slips off her chair. He’s an Air Force vet who has been to 30 countries and he wants to learn Mandarin. All it’s missing is that he’s a nationally-ranked cunnilingus giver. I feel like he was created in a lab to have sex with all the women.
Peter is a 27-year-old pilot. His bio is pretty normal. It talks about his dad being a pilot too and football and his grandma’s name is Rose and how his life motto is “you should live this life always expecting something great is about to happen to you.” And then wayyy at the end it says, “Peter still lives at home.” It’s almost like that was something Peter wanted to leave out! Peter needs to change his life motto. It should be something like “Live this life at home, where the rent is free, and mommy makes your bed!”
Ryan looks like every guy you’ve ever done coke with in college. I didn’t even read his bio. I just can’t shake this feeling he’s about to yell at me about his app idea.
Scott is a 28-year-old software salesman from Chicago. I swear he’s every guy in their twenties that I’ve ever met from Chicago. His bio says he likes to day drink on rooftops while watching sports with his buddies. Oh really Scott?! Do you do that in Old Town?! I bet you he likes the Cubs and goes to the HangeeUppee late at night even though he knows the place is a joke. Over the summer he gets a lake house and one weekend a winter he goes to a cabin. His family is from outside the city and he loves to tell people that Au Cheval is overrated. He used to be into CrossFit but now he’s really concentrating on Keto. Am I right? Oh I’m exactly right? Ok let’s move on.
Thomas played pro basketball internationally and now lives in Detroit. His basketball nickname was “Mr. Fourth Quarter” which is way better than my college nickname, “Mr. CumsQuickly ApologizesProfusely.”
Tyler is a 26-year-old general contractor from Jupiter, Florida. I love his bio because it so severely misreads how we would react. It literally says:
Don’t let Tyler C.’s good looks fool you. This stud has his MBA from Florida Atlantic University and kills it as a general contractor in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida
An MBA from Florida Atlantic?! Let me put on my makeup!!! Attention ladies!! The king of Jupiter, Florida is about to arrive!! Prepare your classiest Publix Sub order!!!
Tyler G is a 28-year-old psychology grad student from Boca. If I’m another contestant on the show, I don’t want a future psychologist walking around. I’d be afraid he was there as a mole for his thesis. Something like “The Lengths People Will Stoop For Instagram.” He’ll randomly talk to you with weird hypotheticals like, “Hey man! If Hannah were an Instagram story that got a larger than normal audience, is that something you’d be happy about?” And “Hey man! Do you ever lose feeling in your legs from pooping too long because of your phone?” And you’d be like “What?!” And Tyler is just like, “Just wondering. No worries.”
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Images: ABC (32)