Now that the world is slowly starting to turn again, it might be safe to resume thinking about the next phases of our lives. Like, if the pandemic put your wedding on pause for a while, you may be starting to look into microweddings or other alternatives. Similarly, if coronavirus f*cked up your plans to move in with your S.O., now that spring has come and gone, it may be time to start thinking about that again (just be warned that working from home with them for months on end might result in a literal crime scene). It’s exciting to be able to take those big steps with your S.O., but before you take the plunge, there are a few things to think about, especially when it comes to cohabitation. We spoke with Leslie Montanile, an N.Y.C-based divorce attorney, to discuss how to successfully move in with your S.O. and the many benefits of living together before saying “I do.”
When you move in with your S.O. before you tie the knot, you get to know all of their daily habits and quirks, which is a huge bonus when preparing for newlywed life, according to Montanile. While you might think that your partner is crushing #adulting prior to moving in together, you may quickly find out that Brad isn’t actually the neat freak you thought he was, but was just shoving his dirty laundry in the closet before you came over. However, says Montanile, “the good news is that you can find a middle ground by blending your differences so that both of you are comfortable in your new arrangement, making adjustments before taking that trip down the aisle.” Just like you learned in kindergarten, sometimes you have to compromise.
Although moving in together can bring couples closer, don’t expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows from the moment you move in. Most couples will likely argue during the adjustment phase, especially when it comes to personal space and living habits. Since friction is totally natural when you and your partner have differences about, like, the A.C. temperature, Montanile suggests finding “a solution to your differences that are creating friction in the first place.” This can actually be super healthy for your relationship, Montanile says, since “You can be secure knowing that arguments during the adjustment period do not mean you are not compatible—in fact, it means you care enough about your partner to express your frustration or discontent at the moment and are not afraid to show how you are feeling.” Eventually, your lifestyles will meld together, and you can get back to your mushy couple stuff (gag).
Come As You Are
Initially, giving up your personal space and private time can make you especially pissy towards your partner—being hypercritical, starting fights about what you should order for dinner, sh*t like that—or it can even make you question the entire decision to move in together. Before you commit to living together, Montanile advises sitting down “to discuss what is important to you to keep as part of your new life together. Whether it is a weekly date with your friends, yoga, cooking class, golfing on the weekend, etc., these are the activities that made you and your partner happy before moving in together and should not suddenly cease.” After all, no one wants to be that girl whose only personality trait is being Josh’s girlfriend. Since you fell in love with your partner as a unique individual, “maintaining some of that individuality keeps your romance alive,” Montanile explains.
Making Money Moves
Talking about money can be awkward, but it’s necessary to discuss when moving in with your S.O. When you began dating, you might have followed a set spending pattern, like taking turns paying for dates or having the partner with the higher salary treating the other, but there are even more financial factors to consider when combining households. Montanile advises couples to “discuss their budgets and spending habits before moving in with each other so that there are no surprises.” While it’s not the sexiest conversation, “Deciding how you will handle the newly joint expenses upfront will take the stress off the relationship right from the start to concentrate on the fun new adventure of living with the one you love.” For example, you could both agree on a bill-splitting app to use or create a shared spreadsheet to track expenses, then you can move on to the fun stuff, like attempting to put your IKEA bookshelf together.
Happily Ever After
While you may want to jump straight into wedding planning the minute you’ve posted your “He put a ring on it!” Instagram, there are literally so many perks to living together first. After all, remarks Montanile, “it is a big deal to move in with someone no matter how much you love them and want to be with them.” Basically, it’s like getting to know each other all over again, except in an up-close way and in your shared space, instead of over Tinder. So, it’s not uncommon for your S.O. to act a little differently after move-in day, Montanile says. “Perhaps you find that your partner is quieter than usual—realize that when you are with someone all the time, you will learn that they are not always ‘on’ as if you were dating. Everyone has downtime or up time that you do not see when you are not living together.” You shouldn’t worry too much, though, because your partner is prob just adjusting to not having their own space anymore, which can cause them to behave a little differently until they become comfortable in your new, combined abode. At the end of the day, all of the ~struggles~ of moving in together are so worth it, since they’re all part of creating a grown-up, happy, and lifelong relationship.
For more insight on love and law, visit Leslie Montanile’s website.
Images: Cottonbro / Pexels; Giphy (2)
It’s almost Valentine’s Day, which can mean any of the following: it’s time to frantically Hinge your way to a date by February 14th, you’re dropping not-so-subtle hints to your bf about what he should get you, or you are just really excited about the availability of heart shaped Reese’s at CVS. But for those that are in a relationship or just started dating someone, it also means that you are stressed af about what is a great way to celebrate vs. what is entirely unrealistic to expect out of a Wednesday night.
<pWondering what to get him for v-day based on how long you’ve been dating? We got you, fam.</p
If you are hoping to avoid another night of Netflix and Chill (I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to spend a Wednesday on your couch but whatevs), I have some ideas on how you should spend V-day with your beau based on how long you have been together. Because fuck gender stereotypes, if you want to plan a date, you should plan a fucking date (unless you just met, then don’t—see below).
Less Than A Few Months
Look, I’m really glad you met someone and dating is going well. Like, maybe you have already hung out three whole times, but you should not, I repeat SHOULD NOT, necessarily plan spending the most “romantic” day of the year with your new fling. I’m not saying there isn’t potential, there totally could be—there’s a difference between dating a guy for two weeks and being a couple for two months, after all. But if you plan a Valentine’s Date for the two of you, you might just be ruining those chances. So my advice: grab your girls instead, because you don’t need a man to have a good night (not yet, at least).
Three To Six Months
I hope one of you is a good cook, because nothing says “this is an appropriate way to spend Valentine’s Day with someone I just DTR’ed with” like a home cooked meal. But if you both consider grilled cheese a culinary masterpiece, perhaps consider a cooking class (with wine).
Six Months To One Year
If you’ve been together for over six months, you have my permission to get fancy: Pick a few romantic wine spots and go on a city “wine tour”, and top it off with a nice dinner. But don’t drink too much wine, because it’s still too early to end the night without sex. You should also expect flowers, candy (I hear those heart shaped Reese’s are delicious), or both.
One To Two Years
By years 1-2 you should step up your expectations game and go straight for the romantic getaway. I know Valentine’s Day is on a Wednesday this year, but that’s what sick days weekends are for. Find a cute Airbnb with a hot tub and get out of town for a night—because by year two, you’re probably tired of all the local date spots anyway.
Over Two Years
First of all: congratulations, you’ve made it. Secondly, this Valentine’s Day would be a great time to revisit one of your favorite relationship memories. Go to the place where you first said I love you, or the restaurant where you first kissed. Or you could go all-out cheese and make one of those Shutterfly memory books. Oh god, I went too far. Anyway, it’s been a minute—so go back in time and bring back the butterflies of an early relationship. And if you still have the butterflies, then again: congrats.
In all honesty, I think the most successful example of role-play I’ve ever seen was on Sex and the City, when Samantha takes advantage of her boyfriend’s acting talent as an excuse to never learn his actual name (inspirational, truly). Beyond the fact that this is performed between professional actors, I feel like the reason the scene works so well is because Samantha has the precise attitude of “what is this emotion you call shame” required to make any potentially embarrassing sex stuff fun—and role-play is by far at the top of that list. After all, there’s something inherently weird about pretending NOT to be yourself while literally baring your naked self to the world (or in my case, baring my French maid-clad self to my high school boyfriend, who proceeded to sigh and tell me I was really annoying when I smoked pot).
But, since I’m not one to let the ghosts of 17-year-old asshats deter me, I’ve recently been getting back into the idea of making this work—beyond the opportunity to wear something as useless as it is hot, I love the idea that adopting certain roles gives you and your partner permission to try something you might never do in real life, like a trial run at a felony offense a new personality. As I inch closer to springing this idea on my poor, unsuspecting boyfriend, here are some tips I’ve gathered to make your first role-play experience
less traumatizing better than mine.
1. Pick A Fantasy Together
For starters, if you’re the kind of person who’s deeply curious about what porn your boyfriend watches but feel you can’t ask (relationships with “boundaries” are so cute), any discussion about role-play should give you a good starting hint. If you want to take this further, watching some porn together and learning more about what you’re both into is your best bet for finding a scenario that turns both of you on—and it’s all in the name of research, so you should basically get college credit here. If neither of you watch porn,
one of you is lying you can toss around preferred sex scenes from non-pornographic movies, or just go straight to your favorite nonspecific masturbating material. Nonspecific is key here; your boyfriend is not going to role-play “hot stranger from the subway” with you if you start describing the hair color, eye color, and book choice of a clearly real person you saw and wanted to have sex with.
2. Dress The Part
I’m not saying your boyfriend needs to roll up in a fully authentic fireman’s uniform—in fact, I kind of discourage that level of commitment. But you know how just dressing up for a night out can make you feel 75% sexier/more likely to do something out of character? You want whatever you’re wearing to give you that effect, on steroids. If you think you look ridiculous in your outfit, chances are you won’t be alone in that opinion. But if you catch sight of yourself in a blond wig and fishnets and feel the urge to introduce yourself as your seductress alter ego, you’ve probably stumbled upon a good fit.
3. Choose The Setting Wisely
Particularly if you live together, it’s going to be very difficult for you two to peel off to respective rooms, change, and meet back in a common space—but now as two totally different people. If possible (aka, if your respective outfits are more than lingerie/leather straps), meet somewhere sexy and public, like a hotel bar. That way, you get to plan your entrance, practice being your role-play character in the minds of the strangers around you, and not be thinking about how two hours from now, you’ll be watching TV and eating Cheetos with each other on the same couch you’re currently pretending is the floating door from Titanic (what? People totally do this).
4. Figure Out What’s Turning You On
This is a more general piece of advice, but it’s also the most useful and will help simplify the rest of this process. Typically, role-play is not hot because you finally get to live the life of Sadie, the 35-year-old librarian who grew up in Wisconsin and once dreamed of being a ballerina. It’s always some underlying feeling to the character or situation that makes it sexy, like the feeling of having more or less power, the thrill of doing something dangerous or taboo, or inhabiting whatever persona you’ve always viewed as being desirable. If you know going in that the turn-on is about doing something that’s forbidden, have your boyfriend focus the dialogue on how Jughead could walk in any minute, and spend less time fuming about the fact that he refused to dye his hair Archie-red (people DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY do this).
All in all, I think people who have given role-play a bad name are people who do what I did: go into a situation where one person is far more invested/on board than the other, and inevitably end up feeling humiliated and exposed. If this is a fun thing planned between you and your partner, there shouldn’t be that fear (and if there is, dump them). If you can do karaoke in front of someone, you should be able to get past the fact that both of you ended up hating it when you put on a schoolgirl skirt—and if role-play starts going wrong, giving up the game and just stripping down to your same old naked self should be enough of a distraction to gracefully move on.
We sat down with Conor Maynard and Cash Cash (Alex Makhlouf, JP Makhlouf, and Sam Frisch—you may remember them from our interview) to talk about
their latest music fuckboys. In all seriousness, their latest collaboration for the song “All My Love” is an EDM anthem for heartbreak. The British singer (#thataccentthough) and the American DJs may or may not be fuckboys single (watch to find out), but these good-looking bros sure do know how to make a great song. Conor is all over the most questionable platform for making money YouTube and that crumpet can sing—you have to see his sing-off with The Vamps. And Cash Cash’s single “How To Love” from last year is still a jam; I def Snapchatted the shit out of their set at EZoo last year. I’m not sure if I would go to them for relationship advice, though, because I may end up sliding into DMs and never stopping. #cantstopwontstop. Watch the video below to find out if these boys can heal your heartbreak (or cause it):
The music video was just released for the new single last week, and it is exactly how friends should cheer up a broken-hearted betch (foooood and cute boys, but mostly food). Watch here:
For more videos, subscribe to The Betches Youtube channel and follow @betchflix on Instagram!
Our therapist once told us “when people show you who they are, believe them” and we can’t remember if she was talking about our parents or the President, but this very much applies to online dating as well. If you want to know whether or not someone is right for you, look no further than the version of themselves they hope you will believe. I mean, if someone can’t come across as a cool person when they have an entire camera roll of photos and the help of their friends at their disposal, there’s no way they’re going to be bearable over drinks. Honestly, anything less than an A+ dating profile is totally unacceptable these days. Like, you can literally pay someone on Craigslist to do this for you. It’s not that hard. But as much as men are responsible for throwing up red flags on the apps, women are responsible for blatantely ignoring them. I’m sorry but you thought the guy who posted a pic of himself shirtless next to a jaguar that he killed in Africa was going to be a fun hookup? Think again. Behind every shirtless mirror selfie, there is a divorce paper that you can easily avoid signing if you just heed these warning signs:
1. His Pictures Feature Multiple Hot Girls
Unless it’s clearly a family reunion and his mom is just a MILF, there’s no reason to feature any other women on your dating profile, no matter how hot you think you look in that tux from your cousin Brad’s wedding. This is a red flag for many reasons. One, she’s either an ex or a current girlfriend and you’re not about to jump into sidepiece nation for anyone. Two, if she’s just a friend, he’s either trying to score jealousy points from you OR he is really that dumb and doesn’t realize how shitty this looks. If it’s the latter, he probably doesn’t tip well either amongst other dumb guy habits, so you’re better off without him.
2. His Profile Is Completely Blank.
If he can’t think of one good thing to say, imagine trying to hold a conversation with him. Nobody wants to date someone that tries too hard, but not trying at all means he’ll probably be a dud in bed. I mean, how hard is it to introduce yourself and say one witty thing? The dating profile is kind of like a cover letter, and if he can’t write a good cover letter, he probably doesn’t have a good job.
3. His Profile Is Full Of Demands.
Example: “If you’re high maintenance DO NOT SWIPE RIGHT,” or “Only Girls Who Watch Dr. Who Need Apply.” Look, if you want to compare dealbreakers, our list is ten times longer than yours. But this is a dating profile, not an autobiography. That’s what the first date is for. Or at least wait until we match before you start asking judgemental question about our taste in music. Don’t worry, we’re judging you much harder than you’re judging us. If his profile sounds angry or demanding, guess what? He is probably angry and demanding. Swipe left on that loser.
4. You Can Only Ever See One Angle Of His Face.
There’s no such thing as a good side if you’re hot because every side is your good side. If all his photos are taken from one angle, he’s not showing you his full face for a reason. Or maybe they’re all close up and you can’t tell what his body looks like. That means he’s much shorter than he’s letting on. No tall guy is ever like, whoops I just forgot to mention I was tall. That’s like running a marathon and never telling anyone, what’s the point?
5. There Is A Prevalence Of Winky Face Emojis.
The occasional ironic emoji is acceptable, but anyone overusing emojis to express themselves is probably the type of guy who gets overly touchy and doesn’t understand personal boundaries. He’s like definitely stared at his female boss’s boobs too long, and he probably calls everyone “sweetheart” to avoid having to remember names. Gross.
6. He Looks Different In All His Photos.
One of them is definitely from ten years ago. If you can’t tell what he looks like, it’s not because he’s Batman and has a secret identity he can’t let you know about. He’s probably just insecure about how he currently looks and chose a bunch of out of date photos to represent him on his profile. If he looked like his pictures, he would look the same in all his pictures.
7. He Talks About How Good He Is At Sex.
You know how the dudes who are the worst at sex always think they’re the best? Yeah, that’s because sex isn’t about the dude, it’s about both people, and if a guy is trying to “win” at sex than 100% he is terrible at it. If he’s posting about his great “skills” on his profile, he’s probably never made a woman finish in his life. Plus he probably has herpes.
8. His List Of What He’s Not Into Is Longer Than His List Of What He Likes.
He is quick to tell you what type of girls he’s not into, but you have no idea if he even has a personality you would like. Guess what? He doesn’t. If your personality is based on just hating things, it’s probably because your personality sucks. He probably thinks about the world in a negative way, and before you know it you’ll be 6 months into dating and he’ll say something dumb like “maybe you should start working out more”.
9. All His Photos Feature Celebrities (Wax Or Real).
Does this guy not have any friends? Nobody cares that you went to Madame Tussaud’s and snapped a selfie with The Rock. Even if you met the actual Rock, this is a dating profile, not a resume of celebrity encounters.
10. He Is An Unknown Actor/Rapper/Model And All His Pictures Are Headshots.
He is definitely going to try and network and honestly he’s probably only dating so he can have a scene study partner. In the slim chance he seems normal, you might try and go on a date with him, but just be warned that he’s insecure by nature and will definitely ask you to help him with his self-tape.
READ: Best First Date Bars To Take Your Next Bumble Bro
So you’re in a relationship that you’re not sure about. Don’t worry, there’s a whole MTV show named after the fact that it’s fucking hard to know who your soulmate is, so we don’t expect you to have all the answers. Obviously there’s no real way to know if you’ve found the one, but there are definitely signs that he’s not the one. Chances are if you’re asking to begin with, it’s probably not a good sign. Also not a good sign? The following list of things—if you match a few of these, chances are that just because you swiped right on each other, doesn’t mean you’re a real match.
1. He’s Jealous.
He doesn’t get excited for you when you succeed. You write it off as him just being too busy to care about your shit, but he could be insecure when you’re doing well. If he isn’t thrilled for you when you get a promotion or land a job you love, he’s basically negging your career. Chances are he’s jealous you’re doing better than him, and guess what? You’re only going to get more successful and he’s going to get more upset. You should be with someone that’s happy for you, not afraid you’re going to outshine him.
2. He Distracts You From Important Shit You Should Be Doing.
You’re not a teenager going through puberty anymore, if you’re getting so caught up in the relationship you’re losing sight of your goals, he’s not bringing out the best in you. A stable relationship should bring out the best in you and not distract you from shit you actually have to do. If you’re getting distracted by the relationship, something is probably missing that makes you feel insecure, otherwise you’d be able to focus on having a well rounded life. Think about your relationship like an open bar… if you’re constantly watching the clock, you’re not having fun. It should feel like it’s never going to end, not like you’re always in the last five minutes before last call.
3. He Only Talks About Himself.
Even if he’s an Olympic medal winner or a billionaire with a start-up, if he’s only interested in you because you’re interested in him, then you’re going to have a problem. Sure, he’ll probably make a great dad, but only because his kid is like one of his Olympic medals to him, a sign of his accomplishments rather than a human he actually wants to love. If he talks disproportionately about himself without asking you how you are, he’s not actually the right guy for you. You need more attention than an escaped snake in the zoo, and if he can’t give that to you, then you’re going to get away.
4. When You’re Together You’re Either Drunk Or Partying.
Sure it might be fun to hook up when you’re drunk, but if you’re spending the majority of a relationship blacking out and stumbling home together, you’re more in love with partying than you are with each other. You party with your friends, but you’ve also been to brunch with their moms, shopped for outfits together, and comforted each other when they’re going through a breakup. The man you’re dating should have as many merits sober as he does drunk, so if you’re not hanging out sober at all, then you’re probably not as compatible as you think.
5. You Have A Hard Time Keeping Plans.
Whenever you try to make a date or go somewhere together, things always fall through. You both chalk it up to being busy and successful, but you still manage to have time to watch dumb movies like Baywatch and go to spontaneous karaoke on a Tuesday night. Maybe it’s that you’re both trying too hard to fit a relationship mold that neither of you want, but whatever it is, your beach day/museum trip/romantic dinner plans keep getting pushed. It shouldn’t be this hard to keep plans, especially with someone you’re dating, so if you’ve had to reschedule a date more than three times, it’s a sign that neither of you are prioritizing each other.
6. You Still Think About Your Ex.
We all Facebook stalk our exes from time to time, but if you’re in a happy relationship you quickly forget about ghosts of fuckboys past. If you’re wondering what your ex is up to or have looked up his Instagram story more than three times this week, you’re probably reaching out to your past because you’re bored with your present. The guy you’re dating might just not be satisfying you totally, which is why you’re thinking about your exes and how he stacks up against them. Definitely not a good sign if you’re still thinking about your ex in a new relationship.
7. He’s Embarrassing To Take Out In Public.
Maybe it was his fault for wearing the wrong shoes to the club, or maybe he got too drunk and started arguing with the bartender, but instead of sticking up for him, you’re just embarrassed to be seen with him. This is usually a sign that you’re not a good match, or you’d be fawning over his dumb quirks like they’re Brigitte Bardot’s tooth gap. Imperfections in someone you love make you love them more, but his flaws just annoy you, which means you probably don’t love him as much as you think.
READ: The 9 Fuckboys You’ll Unfortunately Have Sex With Before You Die
If you’re over the age of 25, June means one of two things: either a) everyone you know and their fucking brother is getting married or b) you’re getting married. There is no c. Those are the only two options. Luckily, as we get closer to July, all the wedding, love, marriage bullshit starts to slow down because it’s so hot that getting married or doing anything that involves leaving the house sounds fucking miz. In place of the “forever wedding date” and “best day ever” Instagrams you’ll start to see “baecation” and “never leaving” ones take their place. In other words, honeymoon season is upon us. That’s why we’re breaking down what your honeymoon destination says about you. So you can choose wisely or judge the shit out of your
tacky miserable newlywed friends. Either way you win!
Cancun? For your honeymoon? Groundbreaking. Mexico, for some reason I’ll never understand, has become the most popular spot for newlyweds. Pretty much, if this is what you choose, you’re cliché af. Your hubs probs booked this for you and freaked the fuck out when he found a place where all the food was included. Bless him and his cheap-ass heart. You’ll enjoy yourself, but secretly you’ll be thinking about how much more fun you had in Mexico during spring break sophomore year and how much better the sex was with Johnny the Sigma Chi than your new spouse. Bummer. Like your unoriginal honeymoon choice, you’ll live a pretty basic life. In a few years, you’ll move to the suburbs, pop out a few kids and live a completely boring life.
You’re doing the honeymoon for the ‘gram and everyone knows it. You care a lot what people think and want to come off as way more cultured and original than your other newlywed friends who are laying on a beach somewhere. Your best memories were probs from when you studied abroad in Europe and you coerced your fiancé into booking this trip instead of an all-inclusive somewhere because you wanted to make those same memories with him. Vom. Because you care so much about what people think, your marriage looks perfect to outsiders but behind closed doors some serious shit goes down. You’ll pretend everything is okay until you catch him screwing his secretary and then you’ll ditch his ass and take his money with you. Mazel!
3. Anywhere In The Continental U.S.
I mean, seriously? I know the Grand Canyon is pretty and Napa has some of the world’s best wine, but live a little. You just tied yourself to one person and missionary sex for the rest of your life, the least you can do is leave the country. When you stay stateside, you make the Mexico crew look like true wanderlusters—that’s how fucking lame you are. When people ask why you’re not actually going somewhere, you’ll act all holier than thou about “not needing a fancy trip because marrying your soulmate is celebration enough” but deep down you’re already starting to panic about how uneventfully your life is panning out. I’m not saying anyone who has their honeymoon in the U.S. is destined to have a mid-life crisis where they freak out, fuck the hot new intern at their job, and have a messy divorce, but I’m also not not saying that.
4. French Polynesia
Tahiti, Bora Bora and the likes are reserved for the super wealthy romantic types. Sure, most honeymoons cost more than what a couple can afford, but it takes true money to be able to drop $20k on a week-long vacay. Like, I can’t do that even if I wanted to. (Ok, you got me, I want to.) Your spouse is probably in finance or taking over the family business, while you have family money but managed to land a killer PR job right out of college. When you decide to have kids you’ll hire at least three nannies and say it’s because you’re working parents, but really it’s because you don’t want to give up your luxurious lifestyle of traveling around the world and black tie galas.
Anywhere in the Caribbean tends to be a popular choice when it comes to choosing the perfect spot for a honeymoon. There are different islands for different vibes: Jamaica and Puerto Rico for average peeps, St. Barts and Anguilla for the bougie betches, and a bunch of shit in the middle. If you go to the Caribbean after your wedding you’re most likely the life of the party and everyone likes you. You’re not as lame as the people going to Mexico but not as snobby the Bora Bora crew. You’ll live in the city for a few years and then move to an up-and-coming suburb when you decide to start a fam. Your kids will probs be cool too and you’ll grow old with your cool little family.
Like the newlyweds that go to Europe, you care what WAY too much people think and can’t wait to post honeymoon pics of your Asian adventure on social media, but rather than being a sophisticated, Upper East side type, you’re a hipster couple that composts all your waste and judges the shit out of people who think Starbucks is good coffee. In other words, your wedding had mason jars and burlap and you’re kind of the worst. When you get home, you’ll tell everyone that seeing the Tian Tan Buddha statue in Hong Kong was the most
spiritual incredible moment of your life, but you actually liked riding elephants in Thailand better. In the future, you’ll sell your apartment in the city to get a tiny cabin or an RV or some other hipster bullshit in the middle of nowhere. You’ll go off the grid and no one will miss you. Oh, and you smoke a lot of weed.
Hawaii is for the couple who, despite being in their late 20s, is actually like fucking 40 years old at heart. If this is you, you stopped taking birth control on the wedding night and will probably get pregnant sometime during the trip because you’re ready to be a mom like, yesterday. The wedding ceremony was in a church that you’ve been going to your whole life and there was a reception right after in a barn with only beer and wine. I’d bet your last name is Smith or Jones. In a few years, you’ll become the president of the PTA and start a blog about motherhood called “Mom-Stop,” a play on non-stop that no one will pick up on.
8. A Cruise
Are you fucking kidding me? A cruise? For your honeymoon? Gross. That’s all.
Someone wise once said, “It’s only a lie if you get caught,” and betches never get caught. But when the person you’re lying to is yourself, things get a little complicated. You can tell yourself over and over again that you’re not that into your casual hookup, and if you say it enough you might actually start to believe it—but all the self-delusion in the world won’t change the fact that you’re into him. If you say any of the following lies to yourself, you might be falling for your casual hookup. Look, we won’t tell on you, but we just thought you should know you’re not fooling anybody.
If more than, like, 4 of these scenarios apply to you, it’s time to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Our official prescription is a 20mg dose of reality, taken once a day or as often as needed for you to wake the fuck up. But uh, it’s your life. Do you.
1. I Don’t Even Want A Relationship Right Now.
Hey guess what? Nobody’s asking. You tell yourself this because you’re already thinking about the possibility of a relationship with him, and you have to stop yourself by pretending you don’t care.
2. I’m Dating Other People Too.
You say as you download Tinder and frantically swipe right on the first cute guy you see, hoping he’ll message you right away. There’s a difference between dating around and dating other people just to distract yourself from your actual crush.
3. I Don’t Even Think About Him When I’m Not Hanging Out With Him.
Except for when I’m checking his Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and Snapchat.
4. I Like That It’s So Chill.
Right, and how many times have you looked at your phone since you last texted him? That’s not chill.
5. We’re Totally On The Same Page.
Or at least you assume you are, but you haven’t actually talked about it. At least not out loud and in person. You’ve talked about it to him in your head multiple times, though.
6. I Haven’t Really Thought About A Relationship With Him.
As you shrug and shrug and shrug into your mirror of lies.
7. I Think Going On Dates Is Such A Waste Of Time; It’s So Much Better That We Can Just Cut The Bullshit Out.
Because eating nice meals and hanging out on major holidays is so overrated. Ugh. “But uh, I’ll leave my Valentine’s Day free just in case he asks,” you say.
8. If I Had Feelings For Him, I Would Just Tell Him.
I have no problem telling him how I feel, but I don’t feel anything. That’s why I’m not telling him how I feel. Which is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing feels kind of like falling in love, but that’s probably just an illusion.
9. We’re Totally Honest With Each Other About What We Want.
He told me he doesn’t want anything serious, and I just want him to think I want what he wants. But seriously, whatever he wants, I’ll totally want that too. Like, if he wants a relationship, I could want that too.
10. It Would Be Fun To Take Him As A Date To My Friend’s Wedding, But Only Because He’d Be A Fun Date, Not Because I Like Him.
And definitely not because I want to see him in a suit or have him be around two people willing to commit to each other. I’m definitely not trying to plant any ideas in his mind.
11. I Could Stop Seeing Him Tomorrow And Be Totally Fine.
But I’m not going to. Because I’m totally fine. I swear.
12. The Sex Is Just Really Good.
Because of how much I like him. Everyone knows the best sex is sex with someone you’re in love with. So I’m only falling in love with him for the good sex.