We’re just about halfway through the National Football League’s regular season, which means that a pretty significant number of males aren’t even worth interacting with at the moment. I’m not a statistician, or even really someone who knows a lot about sports. However, I am a human being who spends time on social media and in public places that simultaneously serve alcohol and play football games on giant TV screens. So I do know a thing or two about which NFL fans are unbearable.
Whether you’re swiping through a sea of dating app profiles that seem to be filled with tailgating photos, debating whether to get the guy you’re seeing to DTR, or are simply trying to decide if you should go to that work happy hour at a sports bar later, it’s probably worth knowing which NFL fans to avoid at all costs. If the guy you’re interested in is a fan of one of these teams, it’s a red flag. He’s going to be annoying for the next eight weeks (or longer if they make it to the playoffs).
It’s kind of like how I would advise anyone not to date you when you’re doing Whole30, going through a phase where you really love vintage dresses, or when you’re thinking about getting bangs. It’s all you would talk about, and you would sabotage the relationship before it even had a chance to begin. There are just certain times in life where people are too annoying to date. For fans of these teams, that time is now.
5. The Green Bay Packers
If a dude is a Green Bay Packers fan, there is an extremely likely chance that he has spent at least $30 on an enormous piece of foam shaped like cheese. With a hole in it, of course, to stick his f*cking head in and wear as a hat. Do I even need to go any further? This is the definition of a red flag. Stay away.
4. The New York Jets and the New York Giants
Issa tie! Whether he’s a Jets fan or a Giants fan, it’s going to be extremely annoying for you to constantly hear about why he has chosen a lifelong dedication to either team. It doesn’t matter if he claims to be a purist, and roots for the Giants because they’ve been around longer. Or if he’s a fan of the Jets because
he enjoys losing his grandfather brought him to all of the games as a kid. Either way, if he has a reason to word vomit about how much he hates a football team from the same city that shares the same stadium (in another state, no less), it’s a can of worms you don’t want to ever open. There is no “right” answer, and that’s that.
3. The Dallas Cowboys
The Dallas Cowboys have not won a Super Bowl in 22 years, yet they’ve been the most valuable sports team in the WORLD for the past three years, according to Forbes. Like, they’re more profitable than any soccer team, and the rest of the world is totally obsessed with soccer. I mean, it’s just simple math. If you’re falling for a Cowboys fan, you’re falling for a dude who throws a sh*t ton of money at a team that has not won a Super Bowl since he still had baby teeth. What other trash decisions is he capable of making? These are the questions you must ask yourself while you try to decide if he’s worth double texting.
2. The Philadelphia Eagles
Everyone knows that every year, fans of the team that has most recently won a Super Bowl are on a 365-day tear to remind everyone that they’re Super Bowl champs. Therefore, they should be avoided at all costs during that reign of terror. Even if Eagles fans weren’t still reeling from the Super Bowl LII win, they’d still be pretty annoying. Like… congrats on your discounted hoagie or coffee that you’ve received as part of whatever promotion Wawa is hosting following a win? Can we talk about literally anything else? Perhaps their only saving grace is that they beat the team that carries the most annoying fanbase on its back. Which brings me to…
1. The New England Patriots
Good GOD. There is nothing worse than a New England fan. Before you maniacs find me and try to tell me about how Boston is the “city of Champions” for literally every sport (even though you’re from what? New Hampshire? Maine? Do you even have WiFi up there?), I’d like to disclose that I am from New England, and would like to be removed from this narrative. A guy who is a New England fan is immediately undateable by default. Simply because he thinks that rooting for a team that wins everything is some kind of personal achievement. Do you guys realize that “New England” technically includes six separate states? The odds of you living in an area in which you are basically forced to root for this team are pretty solid. While I’m at it, I’d like to mention that drinking Bud Light, following Barstool on Instagram, and worshipping Gronk are not legitimate personality traits. If the guy you’re into is a Pats fan, it is a major red flag. And you need to get out of there as fast as you can.
Images: Giphy (3)
For whatever reason, fall has been decreed cuffing season. You scroll through your phone and you’re inundated with images images of apple picking dates, complete with the requisite cider donut and a ~casual~ candid featuring some autumnal plant and maybe bae looking cute in some flannel. Eventually it will snow, which conjures up images of drinking hot chocolate and binge-watching Netflix together in front of a cozy fire. Or something else equally sickeningly sweet. Idk. Anyway, even though it’s super tempting to want to dive into a relationship as it gets cold, you don’t want to date just anyone. Being single is better than dating the wrong person, and honestly you never want to sell yourself short. Like, whoever is reading this right now, you’re totally random and I legit have no clue who you are, but you deserve someone amazing!! Seriously. A little saccharine, but true. You could totally end up playing yourself if you ignore red flags, or signs your guy sucks, early on.
There are def some major red flags to look out for when you first meet your potential someone. I polled my sister and she claims the only red flags are:
- He doesn’t play a sport
- He wears jean/cargo shorts
- He wears a beanie
- He uses this emoji ????
However, I’d consider all of these totally fixable problems (gentlemen, if you’re reading this, do throw out said clothing items and consider picking up lacrosse, though).
In all seriousness, there are some serious red flags that indicate your flirtation or hookup really shouldn’t lead to a relationship, even if it could be heading that way.
Is He Aggressively Pushy About Hooking Up?
There’s nothing worse than just wanting to grab dinner and having to ward off a handsy guy, or worse: being with a guy that doesn’t seem to get that NO means freaking no. Like, nope, sorry, the mood hasn’t changed in the past two minutes since you asked me, BRETT. Again. Ew, ew, ew, moving on.
Does He Overuse Social Media?
Yes, we live in a time where Snapchat and swiping apps seem to drive modern relationships. However, if you’re talking a lot over an app whose genesis came from a need to facilitate easy hookups and/or sending nudes, you should be concerned.
The worst, the very worst, red flag is if he talks to you all the time via social media but ignores you in person. That’s weird. Imagine what it would be like to go on dates with him. Would you carry your entire conversation via Instagram DMs over dinner too? Would you make plans for the aforementioned apple picking date via Snapchat because nothing is ever going to be concrete or, like, traceable? At the very least, you can keep up with all his happenings because he’ll still be updating his story 24/7, even if he’s never talking to you besides to maintain your #streak. Oh, and to hit you up with a “u up?” snap at 1am when he’s drunk and alone.
Seriously, don’t keep hooking up with him. He’s either insecure, not interested, or seeing multiple girls at once because talking to people solely over an app that doesn’t save past messages is sketchy af . Seriously, run in the opposite direction. Runnnnnnn.
Will He Not Let Go Of His Exes?
Maybe you figure that once you start dating, he’ll stop hooking up with his ex-girlfriends. And hey, maybe he will!! Maybe you’ll also win the lottery and star in your own reality TV show. I mean, it could totes happen!1!1
Seriously, if he still hooks up with old girlfriends, especially old girlfriends that were super into him and are obviously still super into him, then steer clear. One, it’s kind of an asshole move to keep hooking up with a girl that’s crazy into you when you’re not into them. Secondly, there’s no way of knowing he won’t do the same to you one day. Even if he claims he never hooks up with his exes but hangs out with them, keep your head on a swivel because that’s a red flag—a smaller red flag, but a flag nonetheless.
Is He Weirdly And Hypocritically Judgmental?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t date someone with different opinions than you. Debate is healthy and mind-opening. But I’ve met guys before that are like “don’t wear that it’s not even a shirt, it’s a bra blah blah blah I’m a conservative white dude…” when they’re freaking only wearing, like, boxers or something because it’s a stupid themed party. I’m sorry it’s heaven and hell themed and so all the girls are dressing up as lust. Like, I’m not going wear a nun costume? And it’s literally so annoying to have a guy gripe about drinking when he likes to disappear in the bathroom to do some lines. Like, please spare me the double standard.
Does He Like To Hook Up In Weird Places?
And I mean weird, like really disturbingly unsanitary. If his history with his exes/past girls includes hooking up in weird, illegal, and/or unsanitary places, then kick him to the curb unless you dig getting some weird disease and/or arrested. Last time I checked, a dumpster isn’t for hooking up in. Though maybe if he’s total trash… Seriously though, I’ve heard some pretty disturbing stories and I’d really like to believe that they aren’t true.
Do You Just Not Like Him?
This seems stupid and really obvious, but sometimes I watch people head into relationships where they literally don’t even like the guy and I just sort of wonder…why? Is being single seriously worse than being forced to spend time with someone that kind of bugs you? Ladies, it’s seriously not worth the cute Instagrams.
If none of the above applies, then I wish you everlasting happiness!!! Good luck trying to break up in the spring when you want to be single for summer!!
Image: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
What’s up, the three friends I harass into reading my articles fans. Sgt. Olivia Betchson here. I’ve recently taken the plunge back into online dating, or as I like to call it, waiting to see how long before the man I’m talking to inevitably disappoints me. I know, I’m so upbeat it’s a wonder I’m still single. Anyway, I like to consider myself somewhat of an expert at online dating—not because I’ve found a lasting relationship off a dating app (if I had, I wouldn’t be here), but because I’m very good at judging people and I’m also very arrogant. I like to think I’m extremely good at spotting fuckboys based off their dating profile, before I even swipe right and have to fend off a dick pic. It’s a gift, really. So because I’m like, such a good friend, I’m going to impart this wisdom on you. If you see these common fuckboy dating profile lines, swipe left. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. I promise, only dick pics and heartbreak will await you if you don’t heed my warnings.
1. “Good Vibes Only”
Translation: I want a doormat.
Straight men, feel free to jump in and disagree with me here, but I see “good vibes only” on a LOT of profiles, and not in a “we’re at a music festival” kind of way. Since I’m not swiping through at Bonnaroo, I can only take “good vibes” to mean that this guy wants a woman who’s always “positive.” But I don’t mean it in the way regular people say it, I mean it in the way my ex-boyfriend used to say it, i.e., any time you try to (rightfully) call the guy out on his bullshit (like, for instance, actively trying to pursue your friend while still very much being in a relationship with you, or again, totally made-up example here, saying you “used to be a fatty”), gets met with an, “I don’t know why you’re being so negative all the time, you’re just taking everything the wrong way.” The “good vibes only” guy can do no wrong in his eyes. He could literally cheat on you and it would be your fault for “harshing his vibe” or “being a downer.” Remember, you agreed to only put out positive vibes, and this douche will hold you to that like you signed a legally binding contract. Also, it goes without saying that this guy will never truly commit. Do not put yourself through this. Swipe left.
2. No Bio
Translation: I’m hot, you know it, and I know you know it.
Fuck this guy. He’s probably super hot, which is the only feasible excuse for why you would not have to rely on your personality AT ALL. But he’s also probably full of himself if he thinks he’s so great that he doesn’t even need to TRY to convince you to swipe right. Especially guys who do this shit on Bumble—like, I have to message you first. Give me something to work with here.
3. “Adventurer/Travel Enthusiast/My Goal Is To Visit 30 Countries In The Next 2 Months”
Translation: *Insert lyrics for “Tie Me Down” by New Boyz feat. Ray J*
Any guy who’s this into traveling is just not going to be in one place for any substantial amount of time, so good fucking luck trying to nail him down with a date. First it’s “I’ll be in Thailand this weekend for the next two weeks, so when I get back we’ll hang out.” Then you might be able to get one date in before he jets off to Ibiza. And then you have a good second date, only to have to wait nearly a month before the third date because of his constant travels. At best, he’ll fit you in for one-hour coffee dates in between trips to the airport, and who wants that? I’m not a granola bar; you can’t squeeze me in between meals on your way to do other shit. Also, is this guy a drug lord? Who has that kind of money? What’s his company’s PTO policy? Are they hiring?
4. Just An Instagram Handle
Does this guy actually want to meet people or is he only on here for the followers? Spoiler alert: It’s the latter. If you have under 2,000 followers on Instagram he’ll probably unmatch you, and if you do go out with him, prepare to spend the majority of the time watching him taking pictures of his food and then taking pictures of him with said food. And he won’t even tag you in the photos you took. Bastard.
5. “GOOD HYGIENE ONLY PLEASE GO SEE THE GYNO”
Translation: I have never smelled a vagina before.
Y’all think I’m making this shit up, but I literally saw this in my Tinder queue yesterday. LITERALLY YESTERDAY. I understand if you don’t believe me, but this was literally real.
^I cropped out his photo entirely because I felt bad. I’m such a bleeding heart liberal.
Fucking Chad. Of course his name is Chad. Anyway, this is all kinds of fuckboyish nonsense. First of all, CHAD, you are not a doctor. Don’t be out here on Tinder trying to dispense medical advice without a valid degree. How can you tell through a smartphone app what’s a normal vaginal odor and what’s not? Second of all, fuck guys who say this (not literally—keep your pussy very far away from them). The types of guys who complain about vaginas not smelling like roses are the types of guys who invent shit like My Sweet V or that bullshit Sweet Peach startup a few years back that literally tried to make women’s vaginas smell like peaches. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that douching can cause infections that will cause bad odor IN THE FIRST PLACE. Vaginas are not supposed to smell like roses or peaches; get used to it. Dicks don’t exactly smell like a picnic, either.
Which brings me to my next point. You KNOW the same guys who complain about women’s vaginal odor rarely wash their dick. Just trust me on this; sadly I know it too well through my own market research. Do you think Chad shaves his ball hair, or even trims it? Do you think he really scrubs his shaft and in between his testes? NO. Chad probably will force your head down towards his lap after his workout and then refuse to go down on you because you have 1/4mm of pubic hair. I know your shit smells like sweaty gym socks; do not come at me and try to tell me about my pussy. If you’re really that concerned for my hygiene you should send me a gently worded text, not sub-Tinder-bio your future victims.
I obviously recommended Chad to all my friends.