Dating sucks. Our scroll fingers are tired. We’re v much over being assaulted on the daily by d*ck pics. We could write books full of sh*tty pick-up lines. I’ve gone on dates with a guy who claimed to be an art collector (he wasn’t); a very terrible graphic designer (why would you use a cow in a logo?); and a guy who told me on date three that he’d been in prison. Where was that on his profile??? Even if you shell out money on a #legit app, you’re paying for a fancy algorithm that thinks it knows you when, newsflash: it doesn’t. Face it: most of us are destined to sit with our phones and swipe forever.
So we’re making our own f*cking dating app. We’re excited, too. It’s completely different than any other dating app out there, because we’re v smart and understand that going out and meeting people is like, hard, and technology should be here to help us. You’re welcome.
We know you’re literally dying to know more and we can’t reveal much yet because our hair and brains are full of secrets, so enter your email and we’ll send you super fetch updates about when this Betches’ operated dating app is rolling out. Let’s make dating fun again.
Here’s what to do. Click here and enter your email or phone number. When you do, you’ll also be entered to win a sweet prize like a f*cking amazing 5-day trip to Melia Punta Cana Beach resort for two with airfare. Sidenote: It’s an all-inclusive adults only oasis, so no screaming 5-year-olds ruining your buzz. It also has four swimming pools, YHI spa, health club, seven bars, and seven restaurants. Praise be.
Even if you don’t get to go to the Dominican Republic (sad), you could be one of ten people to win a $250 Sephora gift card, so you can give yourself beach hair and a fake tan even though you won’t be laying on a beach (not as sad).
Does this all sound super awesome? Do you want to soak up the awesomeness? Grool. Sign up, then bully your friends into signing up, too, since that’ll give you an extra entry into the contest.
Now that dating apps are like chill to use (kinda), you’re probably on a few of them. The way bros swipe is honestly exhausting, while betches are more selective of who they let past their filter. Unfortunately, the swipe-right-all-the-time attitude of bros means you’ll need to actually try harder to get his attention when you match. Not like, try hard, but more than doing nothing. It used to be that we could just get away with a “hey” but Bumble basically forced us to let bros know we’re witty and hot first instead of letting them do the courting before we decide if we should try. But, yay feminism, right?
Now betches are forced with dealing with a problem that used to be reserved for the bros: What do you message without sounding lame? Here are a few ideas, you’re welcome. Not all apps require betches to message first, but you might as well take note here, since Tinder is a wasteland and most bros get their pickup lines from the internet anyway.
1. “You want to get out of here?” It’s flirty but it doesn’t make any sense so it will grab his attention without sounding desperate.
2. “What should I say to this cute guy on Tinder?” and then message him after that with “Oh no! This isn’t Google search is it.” It’s playful but lets him know you have a sense of humor.
3. “If I told you I’m a time traveler from the future, what’s the one thing you want to know?” This one’s for the secret nerd betches and is great because it gets the conversation started with a question that isn’t just “where are you from?” But depending on how he answers, you can still learn a lot from him.
4. “I bet I can guess your favorite movie.” Or insert any other favorite in there. Then guess Fight Club. I mean, there’s an 80% chance you’re right. But it doesn’t matter if you’re wrong because you have something to talk about. And if he says it’s not Fight Club, hide your shock just say “good, I was hoping you’d say that”.
5. Tell him something about yourself that’s vaguely related to his profile, like “I went to London this year too but I don’t have a dog as cute as yours” if he has a picture in London and one with his dog. Literally it doesn’t matter what it is, just as long as it’s specific and somewhat interesting.
6. Suggest something fun to do that isn’t drinks and make it specific. For example, “Want to get ice cream?” or “You want to go on a taco crawl?” He’ll appreciate the initiative and because you already suggested something to do you’re taking the pressure off him planning. Chances are he’ll still take you out on a proper date first, so whatever casual thing you mentioned can be on deck for a second date.
7. “I think you’re pretty.” If we had a dime for every time a bro said “you’re pretty” to us, we’d still have no use for dimes. But sometimes a simple opener is the best, and instead of calling him cute or hot, just call him pretty.
8. “You have good taste.” This is a little cheeky but it will show him that you’re honest and confident about yourself. He has good taste for swiping right on you, but you also are letting him know that you’re into him too. When in doubt, just bring it back to you. You are, after all, trying to show him who you are so he’ll want to date you.