Dating sucks. Our scroll fingers are tired. We’re v much over being assaulted on the daily by d*ck pics. We could write books full of sh*tty pick-up lines. I’ve gone on dates with a guy who claimed to be an art collector (he wasn’t); a very terrible graphic designer (why would you use a cow in a logo?); and a guy who told me on date three that he’d been in prison. Where was that on his profile??? Even if you shell out money on a #legit app, you’re paying for a fancy algorithm that thinks it knows you when, newsflash: it doesn’t. Face it: most of us are destined to sit with our phones and swipe forever.
So we’re making our own f*cking dating app. We’re excited, too. It’s completely different than any other dating app out there, because we’re v smart and understand that going out and meeting people is like, hard, and technology should be here to help us. You’re welcome.
We know you’re literally dying to know more and we can’t reveal much yet because our hair and brains are full of secrets, so enter your email and we’ll send you super fetch updates about when this Betches’ operated dating app is rolling out. Let’s make dating fun again.
Here’s what to do. Click here and enter your email or phone number. When you do, you’ll also be entered to win a sweet prize like a f*cking amazing 5-day trip to Melia Punta Cana Beach resort for two with airfare. Sidenote: It’s an all-inclusive adults only oasis, so no screaming 5-year-olds ruining your buzz. It also has four swimming pools, YHI spa, health club, seven bars, and seven restaurants. Praise be.
Even if you don’t get to go to the Dominican Republic (sad), you could be one of ten people to win a $250 Sephora gift card, so you can give yourself beach hair and a fake tan even though you won’t be laying on a beach (not as sad).
Does this all sound super awesome? Do you want to soak up the awesomeness? Grool. Sign up, then bully your friends into signing up, too, since that’ll give you an extra entry into the contest.
Remember when your mom used to tell you to wait like, 20 minutes after eating your hot dog and BBQ chips before jumping back into the pool, but you did it anyway, because what fucking kid from your childhood was actually so weak that they vommed from flopping around in water? LOL jk, #neverforget JOSHUA, the neighborhood pool party fuckup who probably now claims he’s gluten free, drinks Kombucha on the reg, and folds the toilet paper. Not shockingly, ties were cut back in ’99.
Anyway, sex is kinda like that rule, except any unfortunate bodily mishap, like ripping ass after inhaling questionable food, is much easier to disguise in a pool than it is while his dick is popping in right next door. Both scenarios are fucking gross, but having sex without worrying about the next move your stomach is cooking up like it just put you on read before three-dotting you for an hour, can actually be accomplished. All I’m saying is if you’re gonna eat these foods I’m warning you about that I just Googled and haven’t experienced ever IRL, maybe don’t schedule a dick appointment within the next 6-8 hours, unless you can pull off a skillful poker face while using the blatant lie that is, “It was a queef, I swear!”
^ fake news.
1. Red Meat
The only red meat you should be eating in the bedroom is—okay, you know what, I’m not even going to finish that sentence. You know the effort it takes to tactfully cheat off your college lab partner, or to get out of bed after two hours of laying in a towel post-shower? That’s pretty much the equivalent of your stomach trying to digest red meat. Eating red meat just gives your body extra work to do. It’s why vegetarians have so much room for activities (yoga, annoying the fuck out of people, etc.). Eating red meat causes you to feel lethargic and tired, so why don’t you just focus on the other meat your hookup is bringing to the table? This dude just treated you to a steak dinner—don’t be a fucking starfish.
Before you try to prove to him that you actually don’t live on a strict diet of PB&J and cold brew by subbing the plate of fries for broccoli, do yourself (and him) a favor and don’t. Sure, anything green may seem like the safer option, but when broccoli digests, the body can’t break down its complex sugars and will eventually produce methane, CO2 and hydrogen, aka a bunch of shit that sounds like it’ll def kill you, but actually just results in chronic one-cheek sneaks all night.
Bla bla bla, something about fiber and excessive gas. Fucking duh, are you an idiot?
Save the betchy cheese platters for Instagramming with your girlfriends on a Wednesday night. We’re talking serious business here. Not only is like, 93% of the population self-described lactose intolerant freaks, but cheese is also known to cause a massive decrease in libido. That’s college talk for boner-killing. Cheese also produces more mucus in the body (gag), which turns into bloat, and I highly doubt he’s cool with fucking some chick with a cute face, Shrek waist and a big behind.
5. Processed Meats
This should also be a no-fucking-brainer because technically, you shouldn’t be eating processed meats before sex, after sex, during sex, alive, or deceased. I love me a good street dog after a night of masking my intolerance for the general population with vodka, but that shit will kill you from the inside out while causing you to shit yourself in the process. The plastic casing of processed meats is made with a bunch of gross crap like PVC (polyvinyl chloride) that can throw off hormonal imbalance and again, cause your sex drive to flatline. That also goes with deli meats, so think twice next time you indulge in four slices of turkey for “dinner” in order to get drunker faster. Whatever, I’m getting a burger.
A$AP Rocky once sang, “She love my licorice, I let her lick it” but that was before he found out that the actual “fuckin’ problem” was that the main compound responsible for the taste of licorice is known to fuck up a guy’s testosterone levels. Whiskey dick doesn’t sound so bad now, does it? Thankfully nobody in the living universe but maybe my 76-year-old grandma eats licorice voluntarily, so this shouldn’t be a problem. Seriously though, imagine dating a guy only to find out his movie candy of choice is Red Vines over like, Watermelon Sour Patch. *cringes* Yeah. There goes my boner.
Ok so there’s nothing proven in raw fish that’s said to make you fart, bloat and/or de-horny you, but I was once in a long-distance relationship (why? Idk) with a guy who was in town for 24 hours, and he apparently “ate too much” sushi and felt like he was gonna shit himself, so sex wasn’t a thing that night. Ask me if we’re still together. Actually don’t ask me, because then I’ll be forced to tell you the “distance is too hard blablajgasdfjsadjf” lie that I told him. So I guess to avoid “feeling full” or whatever, sub the rice rolls for some bougie Unagi shit.
So now that I’ve just cancelled out pretty much all the important food groups, what should you have before sex, you may wonder? I mean, water is always a good option.