Now that it’s March, cuffing season is about to come to a screeching halt, which means it’s time to hop back on that Tinder horse and get to swiping. But it’s important to remember to date responsibly. Get your vaccine, meet up in public, and, most of all, avoid these 12 potential suitors like the omicron variant.
The Basic Bathroom Bro
We all know this guy. His profile picture is a bathroom selfie. He’s probably shirtless—or at the very least, if you keep scrolling, you’ll see a shirtless photo somewhere in his profile. His name is something douchey, like Chad or Brad or Aston, and he’s an “entrepreneur,” though it’s unclear what he’s actually entrepreneuring.
He’s super into working out and wants a woman who “cares about fitness,” but really, her gym membership matters far less to him than what she looks like. In his bio, he also mentions that he’s looking for a girl who “isn’t crazy” Because there’s nothing hotter than some good old-fashioned bathroom-mirror misogyny.
And why is he taking a selfie in the bathroom, anyway? Doesn’t he know that’s where people go to shit?
The Guitar Guy
This guy isn’t holding a fish (thank God), but before you get too excited, don’t because he’s holding a guitar, instead. And he is wearing a fitted tee and a broody expression. Maybe he’s broody in real life, or perhaps he wants to pretend. Either way, he’s definitely going to want to play a song for you—probably something acoustic—even if he sucks. Best case scenario, he doesn’t suck, but you’ll still have to sit there politely for at least two or three minutes while he performs a solo concert for you. (And, yes, he’s going to do it shirtless, too.)
The “Just Ask” Jackass
In his bio, this guy wrote something along the lines of, “If you want to know, just ask.”
Which, OK. Fine. No one likes to fill out their dating profile. But this lack of effort does not bode well for any potential sex life down the road. If he can’t spare enough time to write out more than seven words, do you really think he’s going to take the time to find your G-spot?
The “Right Reasons” Romeo
Let’s see—he’s wearing a shirt. He’s in a socially acceptable place (i.e., anywhere but the bathroom). He’s smiling. He even wrote a whole paragraph. Oh, this guy is good. And he wants you to know it.
You keep reading. His profile says he’s “looking for his soulmate,” that he’s “not here to play games or hook up,” and that he’s “here for the…” oh God. Did he say “right reasons?” Is he looking for a date or a spot on The Bachelor?
I’m not buying it. Just like with every Bachelor contestant ever, there’s a fuckboy lurking beneath that good guy act.
He wants you to know that he’s not shallow—even though he’s using a dating app designed for superficial swiping. He thinks that using big words like this will make him seem smart rather than just pretentious. Oh, but he is. He’s the type of guy that pronounces it “encyclopaedia,” Ted-Mosby style, and corrects you when you say it like a normal person.
He finds a way to mansplain something in every conversation or flex his faux-intellect or both simultaneously. He thinks he’s smarter than everyone around him, especially you. And when you decide, just for fun, to take an online IQ test together and end up with a higher score, he’ll tell you that IQ tests aren’t an accurate reflection of intelligence because, God forbid, he admits to being wrong about anything, ever.
The Tinder Denier
His profile says, “We can just say we met at the library,” or something equally cringeworthy. So, either he’s A) super willing to lie about trivial issues—like, I don’t know, how the two of you met—or B) really into the whole librarian thing. Also, does he think that hitting on someone at the library is a better look than being on a dating app? Is he aware that it’s 2022?
The Bro with a Baby
This guy has a photo of himself with a baby or young child. But, don’t worry! It’s not his! If you read his bio, he’ll be sure to mention that they’re his niece/nephew/friends’ kid. He has a picture of them on his dating profile because it proves he’s good with kids. See, they’re both smiling! So, even though he’s not tied down to any parental responsibilities at the moment, he really wants you to know that he’ll make a great father eventually.
He’s clearly taking a page from Friends and trying to use this cute, innocent kiddo as a pick-up artist prop. Not cool, man. Not. Cool.
His entire profile talks about God, religion, or how he’s a “man of faith.” His faith is important to him; he wants to make that VERY clear. This, my friend, is a trap. He’s probably a serial killer. Or, at the very least, he’s a recovering sex addict who found Jesus and changed his ways. And, in the spirit of honesty, he tells you that he cheated on his ex-wife with multiple sex workers. The resulting divorce prompted him to seek help, and now, well, now he’s a man of God. Technically, his SAA sponsor says he shouldn’t date at all during the first year of recovery, but it’s been nine months, and he’s pretty sure it’s fine. After all, he’s a good Christian now.
The Bill Shakespeare
Everything on his profile makes him seem like a catch, so you swipe right. You’re hopeful about this one. But, then, you match, and everything changes. He messages you a lot. Like, a LOT.
His messages aren’t sentences, either—they’re paragraphs. He asks multiple questions in one message. He wants to know your whole life story before the first date. What’s more, he wants you to know his, too. How does he have so much free time? I’m sure he’ll tell you in excruciating detail if you ask.
The Guy Who Likes His Women Like His Coffee
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. “I like my women like I like my coffee… without another man’s dick in it.”
Um—Who came up with this line? Is it supposed to be funny? Am I supposed to feel bad for you?
To be honest, it seems like you’re using Tinder to air an odd grievance against your ex. To be even more real, I’m starting to think your ex had a point.
The Don Juan
If he talks about how good he is in bed or how well-endowed he is, I can save you some time and tell you he definitely isn’t. But if you give him your number, he is going to send you a dick pic.
The Guy Who’s “Getting a Divorce”
Spoiler alert: he’s married. And not patient enough to wait until he’s not married to look for a date.
Image: Shingi Rice / Unsplash
I’ve been on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and OkCupid—as well as the epic dating app I like to call “All of Them”—for a significant amount of time. (How long? you ask, rudely. Long enough to know what I’m talking about!) So you have to trust me when I say: lately, something seems off.
Yes, dating apps can perpetually feel like an inauspicious hellhole—that’s not news. And yes, swiping is a subjective experience, contingent on geography, orientation, app of choice, etc. But since the start of the New Year, the buffet of straight men has been particularly bleak, lacking more potential than ever—less effort put into conversations, excessive unmatching, fewer on-your-level options overall, more guys putting up a picture of a dog with a “just ask” bio and calling it a profile. Even throughout the pandemic, I’ve had a fairly fruitful swipe life, with my phone routinely presenting me with someone to get a little excited about (for at least 2-3 days). So, I pose a very simple question: where did all the quality matches… go?
You might be reading this and thinking, “maybe it’s just you?”. First of all, ouch. Second of all, I’ve heard it firsthand from many others who are all saying the same thing: something is up! And it’s not our match count. Here are a few theories about why that might be.
The Valentine’s Day Theory
Is there a Hallmark greeting card for men who believe dating near Valentine’s Day is an indication of being “too serious, too fast”? Because I would absolutely buy one if it said: IT’S NOT. If men are scared of the perception around the holiday, or just trying to avoid buying someone they went on two dates with an $11 bouquet of flowers from Trader Joe’s, then we don’t need those jokers on the apps anyway. But this theory, as it applies to The Drought, doesn’t hold up because, as evident in previous years, January is when more people than ever join dating sites—new year, new romantic interests. I rate the validity of this theory 2/14.
The Dating Fatigue Theory
The pandemic has definitely intensified our general exhaustion and courtship tolerance, but if “dating fatigue” is at play, then why is it mostly women saying how bleak it seems right now? And men are saying, “Everything’s fine on my end”? We know why—and we’re the ones who should be tired, buddy. So “fatigue,” while fair and relevant, cannot be the sole reason the apps are bone dry. I rate this theory 3/10.
The Supply Chain Theory
Listen, we all know the entire globe is struggling to keep up with consumer demand right now. Inconsistent delivery, delayed packages, unreliable transportation options—perhaps the same applies to dating apps. The goods are simply not being delivered fast enough. 9/10 theory.
The Cuffing Season Theory
Cuffing Season is always a good excuse as to why it feels like there are fewer singles eagerly looking for love (or something like it) in the winter. Mutual hibernation is at its peak. And with everyone vaguely traumatized by the idea of another looming lockdown, it makes sense that this past fall even more people rallied for seasonal monogamy and (temporarily) deleted their apps. Personally, I’m looking forward to Uncuffing Season, when everyone comes out of hibernation to kiss me. This theory is 8/10.
The “You’ve Reached the End” Theory
You’ve officially moved your dating-distance criteria from 2 miles to 82 miles and the apps still say, “Game over! You’ve successfully eliminated all the men in your town and every town nearby.” This is less of a theory and more of an evergreen fact. It means you’ve kept your standards high, and it means you may have to move soon. 2/10.
The Blackhole Theory
All the decent men have been zapped into a mysterious black hole (marriage? death? alien abduction? a Grey’s Anatomy binge?) and they may never return. This is the only reasonable explanation—10/10.
Image: Eliza Alves /Stocksy.com
The holidays elicit all types of feelings: joy, gratefulness, a burning desire to get cuffed. And if the latter is something you’ve penned in your daily manifestation journal, there’s a strong chance you’re a resident member of a dating app or two.
For those of us who are on dating apps, it’s around this time of year when you may have an urge to throw in a Christmas pun or festive pickup line here or there. Or, for those of you with restraint, you may be on the receiving end of such a one-liner.
And sure, holiday themed things can be an absolute delight. Starbucks holiday cups, Michael Bublé’s Christmas album, what’s not to love? Well, there’s a fine line between what’s festively tasteful and what’s just plain icky, cringy, or overdone.
As my holiday gift to you this year, I’m here to help you dodge a bullet. Below are holiday themed dating app lines that come off as red flags (or even deal breakers), whether you include them in your dating app bio or someone uses it in conversation with you. I’ve made the list, be sure to check it twice before making any adjustments to your apps this winter.
“What’s The Naughtiest Thing You Did This Year?”
There’s a three-way tie for the honest answer to this: 1) eating spaghetti with marinara sauce on my white bed sheets; 2) maxing out my credit card by ordering Uber Eats everyday for a full month straight; 3) pirating the Paris Hilton documentary. AKA, I have nothing to share that’s even remotely “naughty” in the way you want it to be when you ask that question. I’m just a girl living her best mid-to-late 20’s life, with a 17-step skin care routine and Google alerts set up for Ben Affleck. If you want dirty and flirty, this section of Santa’s workshop is closed.
“‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ Is My Fav Christmas Song”
When you make this statement, what you’re really saying is that you haven’t logged onto Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok or even looked at your Apple News in the past five years. I mean, what other explanation is there for you being clueless that this song has been canceled by society? NGL, I’m looking for someone who’ll have an intelligent debate about whether Lindsay Lohan’s career can make a comeback or whether Kim and Pete are actually dating, not someone who’s stuck in 2012 and thinks J.Lo is still dating her backup dancer.
Using a Family Christmas Photo As One of Your App Photos
This isn’t a pickup line, but it’s worth a mention. Don’t use your family’s annual holiday photo as one of your profile pics, because nothing screams your net worth like five adults dressed in $$$$ white and red outfits. If you don’t take this warning and your fam looks Onassis-level status, don’t be surprised when your match on the app is expecting a pre-pandemic Bachelor-level date. I’m talking about private plane rides, lavish shopping trips, and solo adventures to Instagram-worthy waterfalls. Going dutch is not an option.
“I Listen To Christmas Music All Year Long”
Personally, by January 1 I feel so overdosed on Justin Bieber’s prepubescent voice singing Mistletoe that I feel like writing “never listen to Xmas music again” on my New Year’s resolution list. I mean, c’mon. From December 1 onward, a version of “Christmas Pop Songs!” is all you hear blaring through the mall speakers, is apparently the only playlist your gym is able to find on Spotify, and is clearly the only music underlay option available for IG stories. If you feel differently, we’re diametrically different people… so get out, and take your eternal cheer elsewhere.
“I Wear My Ugly Christmas Sweater At Non-Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties”
The only person pulling off “bad” fashion is Adam Sandler. End of story. If the invite says “semi-formal”, “casual”, or doesn’t specify that you’ll be banned from the open bar unless you wear an ugly sweater, there’s absolutely no reason you should be wearing a holiday themed eye-sore out of the house. And please don’t follow up this comment by saying you throw an annual ugly sweater party… unless you instantly want me to report you for inappropriate behavior on the app.
“‘Home Alone 3’ Is the Best Home Alone”
As much as everyone loves a hot take, having an opinion that bears absolutely zero truth screams that you just want attention. And let’s get real: if someone in our potential future relationship is going to have the spotlight on them, it’s going to be me… at all times. But back to Home Alone… not only is U.S. national treasure Macaulay Culkin not in Home Alone 3, I’m pretty sure I saw a petition floating around Twitter asking for this film to be banned from certain countries (for good reason). So all in all, just keep in mind that the only acceptable response to ““Home Alone 3 Is the Best Home Alone” is an unmatch.
“‘Elf’ Is Will Ferrell’s Worst Movie”
There’s a reason that when you Google “Christmas images”, the first photo that pops up is the meme of Buddy saying “So, good news… I saw a dog today”. And not to mention, haven’t you noticed that when the clock strikes 12:01am on December 1, Elf doesn’t stop streaming on loop on the USA network? So buddy (pun intended), get on board and start contemplating getting quotes from Elf tattooed on your body like the rest of us… or, refrain from using the apps all Christmas long because you’re a walking red flag.
Images: Oleksii Syrotkin /Stocksy.com
“Why do all you girls put your sign in your dating profile?” I was on a date (yes, success!) and we veered into the category of “other people on the apps.” I made fun of all the pictures of dudes with fish, and the number of men seeking “ethically” non-monogamous relationships. My date wanted to know why the women he saw on the apps cared so much about his astrological sign. He thinks it’s full B.S., even less meaningful than a Meyers-Briggs or Enneagram delineation.
Ok, Does Anyone *Really* Date Based On Astrology?
It might seem like nobody is actually dating based on their zodiac sign and it’s all for the memes—Teen Vogue ran an article saying astrology doesn’t matter—and yet, next down on the Google search, was a piece from the same outlet on who one should date based on astrological signs. Still need more proof to know you’re not the only one filtering out Scorpios? Bumble says their star sign filter is their most used qualifier. MTV says one third of the young people (Gen Z) use astrology to determine their compatibility with a date.
I took to the internet to ask who believes the fault is in our stars when it comes to love. I got a wide range of responses. Maud Waterman, a Los Angeles based filmmaker, instead of bread baking or TikTok content creation, used her free time during the pandemic to study astrology. She says, “I’m definitely a believer! If you had asked about a year and a half ago I would have been a skeptic, but I did an unfathomable amount of studying (yeah, I’ve got textbooks) over quarantine and I now use astrology in my daily life.” I heard from several astrologers who operate in person, on the internet, or even on TV. I heard from an aura photographer (which I guess is a thing), crystal specialists, and psychics. What color is your aura, do you think? I hope mine’s purple.
I heard from skeptics who think, like my date, that it’s all a bunch of hocus pocus, and people like Michelle Davies—a life coach and editor of The Best Ever Guide to Life—who used to believe in astrology until it started negatively affecting her relationship. She says, “It’s because I was looking at our relationship dynamics through the lens of astrology, disregarding that certain things can be worked at through free will and effort.” Now she can think of astrology as a suggestion, but not a mandate.
I won’t name names, but some people have been dumped for their obsession with astrology, and there are people who swear by it anyway and would rather die (or stay single) than date an Aries. I interviewed two experts for further information on the psychology behind astrology and how it relates to the psychology of love: Clarissa Silva, Behavioral Scientist/Relationship Coach, who can be called a skeptic; and Maria Shaw, psychic astrologer and reality star, who has done readings on the eighth season of 90 Day Fiancé.
Ask The Experts
Even if you’re the most diehard horoscope checker, Silva says, “Astrological signs are labels, not dating deal breakers.” She adds, “Determining actual compatibility is far more complex.” I agree that it makes sense that one little piece of the personality puzzle is not enough to seal your fate, even if they are a Scorpio.
Shaw agrees. She says that, even if a reading shows that two people are not meant to be together, she would never tell someone what to do in their relationship. She also believes that you can’t simply look at someone’s sun sign to know compatibility. You need to do their full “star chart,” which entails using accurate info about the time, place, and day you were born. This gives a full picture of one’s past lives, present personality, and future path.
But What If You’re Dating A Skeptic… Or A Sagittarius?
Can you still use astrology to inform your decisions about the relationship if the other person thinks it’s woo-woo nonsense? Shaw says, “Use the astrology as a tool for yourself. Don’t push your opinions to get them to believe.” That said, you can still arm yourself with all the information, should you so choose: “Knowledge is power,” she says. If you simply can’t go on a second date without the full astrological picture, Shaw advises, “Get their birth information, find out about them, and decide if you want to go forward on this. You want to know where this thing is gonna lead.” She does emphasize getting consent from the person before charting their stars, but says it’s okay to use the information to inform yourself on whether or not you want to stay in a relationship—much like any other information you might find out in your routine pre-date social media stalking.
Silva, on the other hand, warns that this kind of judgment “can result in meaningless or erroneous predictions on compatibility.” She elaborates, “Astrology provides a layer of the complexity of personality but can’t make predictions on compatibility and long term happiness.” She says you can use astrology “as an entertainment source or a source of providing hope or direction for those that seek out this as guidance,” but that astrology is quite literally fake news: “a pseudoscience because it hasn’t passed the rigor of scientific inquiry to qualify as evidence-based.” Believers are going to say that something as intuitive as astrology cannot be studied by science, but many skeptics are going to insist on peer-reviewed evidence before committing to a life led by the stars.
Shaw has patience with the idea of skeptics. She says people who are getting wrong information are either not looking at the full picture or are getting information from a suboptimal source. Some websites copy info from other sources or from looking at only the sun sign instead of the sun, rising, and moon signs, not to mention the planetary alignment at the time of your birth. Still, when I summed this up on my next date with the skeptic, his eyes rolled so hard they got stuck that way and he had to go to the doctor (not fact).
Does Astrology Matter?
So, here’s why people use star charts to guide them in their relationships: either they truly believe in it, or they find it fun. None of us knows what we’re doing, so any guidance that gives us the answers we seek is going to be welcome. Just like I really shouldn’t be dating Slytherins anymore, someone might take a personality profile of a Taurus and use it as a reason to say, “Thank you, next.” Conversely, maybe a Ravenclaw with a Hufflepuff rising like myself can read an Aquarius’ profile and swoon, while knowing his sign won’t guarantee he isn’t a dick whistle.
As for me, I’m an astrology agnostic. I can’t know whether or not my tendency to multitask and chat is due to my being a Gemini or some other mix of nature and nurture. But isn’t it fun to dream? As we ended our call, Shaw said that, according to the planets, “We’re coming into a romantic period. We’re going to see people getting back to being romantic and wooing people. People want to fall in love and be in love.” Aw.
A skeptic might say that we’re getting into a romantic period because we’ve been locked in our houses in our sweatpants all winter. But either way, isn’t it nice to imagine that, as the plague recedes, there are people out there, maybe a soul mate or, as Shaw put it, “a past life connection,” ready to “walk your path?” Whether it is written in the stars or not, as we head into a potentially disease-free summer, full of starry nights and warm breezes, I wish you love, or, at least, some fun with a handsome Pisces.
Image: Lucas Ottone / Stocksy.com
I was eligible for the vaccine in late January in my state because I’m a teacher. When all was said and done, I was going to be “safe” by early March.
As the last drop of Pfizer coursed through my veins, I had one thought: time to get going on those dating apps. I got the all-too-popular pandemic divorce and had been celibate—I mean, single—since last summer. I felt like I missed out on one of the summers of my relative youth. Besides everything being closed and canceled, I was going through a huge, terrible life event and wasn’t cavorting around. I was ready for an adventure.
March arrived, my immunity kicked in, the cherry blossoms popped, and the air got warmer. I fired up my apps. Quoting Hamilton, since that’s all I could do until Broadway comes back, I thought to myself, “I am not throwing away my shot!” I had to get me a date for summer. I wanted someone to go hiking with! I wanted to kayak! I wanted a beach day buddy that wasn’t my dog!
At the time I got vaccinated, I was a hot commodity: most people my age weren’t vaccinated. Most people my age wouldn’t be ready to exchange the same air without risk until at least mid-May. So, I forced myself out there with the help of my bff who, as a psychiatrist, was also vaccinated and able to visit and sit with me while I weeded through the 500+ likes in my neglected dating app.
I updated my profile, proudly displaying my (birthdate and last name redacted) vaccine card selfie. I put it in my bio with a disclaimer that I’m still going to wear a mask because science is real, and I messaged some dudes, proudly flexing my teaching degree for the first time ever. With the help of my bestie, I soon had some actual conversations going with several men who, as far as we could tell, are not serial killers, or at least are flying under the radar.
My friend went home and a couple of my virtual conversations turned into real asks out into the world. It was nice to know they might actually want to meet me in person and then I got worried…what if they ONLY want to meet me because I’m “safe?” What if I’m a consolation prize? What if they’re just lonely and wanting someone who won’t kill them with corona? What if what if what if what if.
So ask yourself: Do I like him, or is he just vaccinated?
Are you only attracted to him because he won’t kill you with diseases but you still aren’t sure if he is a serial killer? Then, don’t date.
Do you live in a red state and are just so relieved to meet someone who believes in science that you’ll do anything to get in his pants? That’s maybe not enough to form a connection over…
Is his facial hair the kind that you’d be embarrassed to bring home to Mother? Then, swipe him away.
Is he perhaps only into you because you can come and go under the cover of nightfall and immunity? That’s a dealbreaker, ladies.
Is he the most annoying human you’ve ever met and only talks about his obsession with tugboats but, you know, with the lights off and some ear plugs it might work? No.
Does he ask you anything at all about yourself beyond your vaccine status? Promising.
Is he half-vaxxed and worth the wait? Then go for it!
After a lengthy vetting process, I agreed to meet someone in person. I drove to the date, chock full of immunity, caffeine, and a little anti-anxiety medication. My team was rooting for me to have a good time, but there was no rush. I missed my window of being the shiny, vaccinated thing. I didn’t need my vaccine to stand out from a crowd of available bachelorettes, anyway. If my person was ready for me, they’d like me, shots and all.
Image: Polina Zimmerman / Pexels
I’ve had a few conversations with fellow divorced people or people recently out of relationships in my time on the apps. Something that comes up a bit too frequently is that I get a very clear friendzone vibe when we start to bond over our breakups.
For example, with one guy, he’d told me the reasons for his dissolution of marriage and asked me for mine. I knew it was breaking the rules, even though I’m new to this and would love to think there are no rules. But he showed me his so I showed him mine. Mine…is a doozy. He was nice about it. I knew I freaked him out, though.
The conversation continued via text but did seem to center on “single life” and the nitty gritty of his becoming single. He’s nice enough. He’s also, clearly, just not that into me, at this time at least. I sat with it for a minute. I worked through my initial feelings of having my greatest insecurities about myself, that I’m unattractive and unlovable, feel true. Then I metaphorically slapped myself in the face and got over it. His not wanting to date me has to do with him, not me.
I wrote myself a form letter to use in case of friendzone. Feel free to steal it.
Dear sir or madam,
I don’t want a platonic divorce friend. I have friends.
As much as I’d love to be there for you and wish I was good enough to be your breakup buddy, I can’t do it. I’ve been single long enough now that I’ve done the work to get myself willing to trust someone enough to date. But I can’t take you on.
You don’t want me as a friend to complain about your breakup with, anyway. Mine was worse. I win at divorce. You’ll feel bad venting to me because I’ve been through worse than you have, and it won’t feel good to tell me your problems. Find someone who already loves you and tell them how hurt you are. I’ve found people step up when you ask for help.
I wish you the best in all your endeavors.
Full disclosure: Be prepared to be ghosted.
I’m a bit much, my sister tells me. She says I’m kinda loud and that I tried to drown her as a child. (I did no such thing.) But I am a bit much. I do talk too much and sing too often. I have no game. I have no chill. I have no filter. I play no games (except board and card). I am myself. Not much I can do about it.
If you don’t like how I look, I am not very able to change that. If you don’t like how I think, I would never want to. If you can’t take on my piles and piles of shit, I won’t fault you for it. But, I can’t carry yours and mine, too. I am not the voice of wisdom because I have been there and back again. I have had my mind spun around in space and now I need a safe, reliable group of people around me. I messaged you because I wanted to date you. For fun.
I have many friends. Most of them are named Jessica. Some of them are named Sara(h). Two of them are Kristi, two more are Heather, and there’s a slew of one-offs like Morgan, Gillian, Amber, Kate, Annie, etc etc.
I even have friends who are boys. Some of them are spouses of Jessicas etc. Some of them are solo.
They all HATE my ex, so they’re really fun to talk to about this stuff. I don’t want to tell the whole story to someone new if I have perfectly good friends who know me and have known me and know why I’m feeling this way and how to help me.
I hang out with all of them. I have sex with none of them. That’s why I’m on the apps.
But, of course, not just that.
This is not America’s next top best friend. I didn’t come here to make friends. I didn’t come here to find a sex buddy, either. While my kids are off on their weekends with their dad, having adventures and living their lives, I want to spend time with someone fun who makes me feel good about myself. I also want to spend time with my friends, many of whom will be vaccinated soon and ready to hang. I’ve missed them. My friends have been really taking care of me and I’m ready to take care of them again.
So, to any prospective suitors out there, NO. I do not want to be your breakup buddy.
Image: Guille Faingold / Stocksy
Now that the 45th president has been impeached (twice) and is officially on his way out of office, there’s a chance — after four years of half-assing a job she never wanted in the first place — Melania might make a break for it and get a divorce… especially if you consider the countless times she looked as if she’d rather be pricking herself with thorns in the Rose Garden than standing next to her own husband. For four years that have felt like entire lifetimes, we’ve watched her swat away his hand and look distressed after interacting with him. We’ve seen her overall body language change when they were together, with Twitter often responding: “Blink twice if you need help!” It’s possible their marriage could end when this administration does — even people in Vegas are betting on their split!
Here’s her imagined dating profile as she “explores” what else might be floating around in the dating pool for a former First Lady.
Tell us more about yourself in order to start finding love!
49 (40 without heavy eyeliner)
- Slovenia > New York City > D.C.
- Monogamously non-ethical
- Mom to one (1) tall son
- Open to something casual and serious. Like a pair of Gucci sweatpants.
- Not looking for a partner in crime. (Already had one of those.)
Honorary degree in (none of your) Business from Trump University
Former model, lady (first), cyberbullying expert, rose garden destroyer
I am fiscally bored and socially complicit. And moderately horny.
Notes on past relationships:
Just climbing out of a 15-year marriage where I was the man’s third wife. In America, they say, “third time’s the charm,” but there is a similar saying in Slovenia: trikrat je preveč, Melania, prosim, ne delaj tega, which means, “three times is too many, Melania, please don’t do this.”
My love language:
Gifts. Affirmation. People doing services for me. I can do without quality time and physical touch, per my last relationship.
Looking for someone who…
Doesn’t have the blood of Americans on his hands. Or anything on his hands. I’m a germaphobe and not much of a hand-holder, honestly.
I’m interested in those who…
Hate all the same things I do: the color orange, fast food, America, smiling, golf, Christmas.
I expect my partner to…
Always be best. Be best boyfriend. Be best caretaker. Be best quiet man.
Best place I’ve ever traveled to is…
My separate bedroom every night.
First thing people notice about me when I walk in a room…
“Why is Melania in this Applebee’s?” (I hate America, but I do love classic American things, like eating at chain restaurants and lying.)
On a typical Friday night, I am…
Working on my vision board, which is just covered in pictures of me and ads for meditation apps.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the last year?
You’ll have to ask my body double.
What I love most about my friends is…
When they don’t secretly record me.
Fun facts about me:
I became a U.S. citizen in 2006. I regret it. I’ve had Covid. I miss my gold-plated toilet in New York City.
I am passionate about…
Children not being cyberbullied. (Adult bullying is fine.)
My favorite animal:
Anything I can wear.
I don’t care, do u?
My favorite book:
Stormy Daniels, Full Disclosure (audiobook), and any magazine with my picture in it.
My favorite song:
My favorite TV show:
90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way. (I dream of taking a nice, rich, boring American back to Slovenia and thriving.)
My ideal date:
Whatever day my ex signs all the paperwork.
Two truths and a lie:
I am six-feet tall. I love my ex’s children. I don’t know what “gaslighting” means. (Sorry, I thought it asked for all lies.)
You should message me if…
You would do something nice for me on my birthday instead of calling into Fox News to tell me happy birthday.
I am most proud of…
Being a fashion icon. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful clothes — I just start buying them. It’s like a magnet. Just buy. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can wear anything. Pussy-bow blouses. You can do anything.
A quote I live by is…
“When they go low, we go high. – Michelle Obama” — Melania Trump
Images: Evan El-Amin / Shutterstock.com
As 2020 turns into 2021, not much has changed. We’re still washing our hands, staying inside, and online dating remains the only way to meet someone (unless you’re able to make a connection with a cutie across the grocery store aisle and you are really good at flirting with only your eyes). Since we’re not about to meet someone at a crowded bar anytime soon, our dating app Ship is rolling out a bunch of new features to make online dating with your friends’ help and input even better.
With most dating apps, the only way to unlock certain features like sending unlimited likes per day or finding out who likes you in advance is to pay for a premium membership. Ship knows nobody wants to pay for that sh*t, so they launched Ship Rewards. It’s a virtual in-app currency called Ship Sparks, which you can earn by doing things like inviting friends or swiping. You can then redeem Ship Sparks for those perks like unlimited ships and swipes—without having to put in a credit card. It’s a win-win: you get the added bonus features, all for doing the stuff you’d normally be doing on Ship anyway.
Gone are the days when your friend would wingwoman you with the cutie on the other side of the bar. But never fear, because Ship’s new Hype Line feature is basically that, but virtual. Now, when you’re swiping for your friend, use Hype Line to leave your friend’s prospective match a note. Maybe something like “your dogs would make such a cute couple” or “ask her to explain why Parks and Rec is better than The Office”.
Being able to see who else liked you is typically a luxury that other apps make you pay for—but not Ship, because they’re offering it for free. Soon, you’ll be able to see which eligible singles have already liked what you’re putting out there, just unlock the feature by picking up some Ship Sparks, and you’ll be on your way to quicker matches.
Just because it’s still a pandemic doesn’t mean all hope is lost for your dating life. With these new features from Ship, you’ll find your quarantine bae in no time.