Even before coronavirus was the only thing we had to talk about, everyone’s dating app profiles were already pretty much the exact same. On any given profile, you’d be guaranteed to see a line about The Office, loving margaritas, or asking your opinion about pineapple on pizza. But the lack of originality is even worse than usual. We may all be living the exact same lives right now, but that doesn’t mean we need to be making the same jokes about toilet paper, how we don’t know what day it is, or if we’ll ever leave our homes again. We all get enough of that coronavirus small talk on our Zoom meetings with our bosses. Here are all the quarantine dating app opening lines, bios, and prompt answers that no one ever wants to hear again.
“This year, I really want to…leave my apartment”
All this does is remind me that I had to cancel all of my summer trips and will instead be getting drunk on White Claws all by myself and inflating a mini pool in my living room just to feel something.
“Need some toilet paper?”
Not sure about everyone else, but I don’t know a single person who has had trouble finding toilet paper in the last two months. The toilet paper jokes should have ended in March, just like any hope we had of having a real summer.
“Can’t wait to hang out after quarantine”
The optimism here is nice, but given all the people playing the game of “how many drunk people can we cram into this public pool” in states outside of New York and California, it’s looking like quarantine is literally never going to end. You’re better off acknowledging that we’re all probably going to be FaceTime dating until it’s time for our Zoom weddings in 2023.
“On day __ of quarantine…”
Just like every major event planned for 2020, jokes about wearing sweatpants every day, having conversations with your cat, and not remembering what day it is have been canceled. Once my Boomer parents start making jokes about it, that means it’s officially time for the joke to retire (to Facebook, where your relatives share memes from six months ago).
“Ideal night out…going outside”
“F*ck, am I ever going to go to a crowded bar and pay for overpriced drinks and forget my purse in the bathroom because ‘Mr. Brightside’ came on and I needed to go scream-sing it with my friends ever again?” That’s what this response makes me think of. Not exactly “swipe right” material.
“First round is on me if…Rona ever ends”
Then odds are, there won’t ever be a “first round.” Maybe you wrote this back in March when you thought the world would go into lockdown for a few weeks and then everything would go back to normal. In that case, maybe it’s time for an update.
“I’d break quarantine for you.”
Hmmm…. Pretty sure if you’re breaking quarantine for me, you’re also probably breaking it for every other girl you talk to. It may feel like it’s been 84 years since I’ve felt a human’s touch, but I’d still rather ride out the rest of the hellscape that is 2020 alone than get coronavirus from a guy whose entire profile consists of mirror selfies.
Puns are never effective even when the world isn’t living out an episode of Black Mirror. And maybe we’re lowering our standards a little bit right now (I’d swipe right on a Goldfish cracker if it meant I could talk to it), but not enough for me to change my mind about immediately unmatching with anyone who uses puns.
“If coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”
IDK if you’ve read the news lately, but 100,000 people have died. And if that isn’t enough to convince you that this is a super f*cking insensitive thing to say, consider that eventually you will probably end up sending it to someone who has lost someone to Covid.
“I love The Office!”
Because apparently, even in a global pandemic where we’ve all got nothing but time to stream new content, people still think being obsessed with a seven-year-old TV show is a personality trait.
Not only are none of these even that funny, they’re also just a really f*cking boring way to start a conversation. Like, do you really want to talk about your quarantine routine with every person you match with? It seems like maybe we should all make a resolution to fix our dating app game before this is all over.
Images: Samantha Gades / Unsplash; Maddie Dean (9)
You’re mindlessly swiping through your dating app of choice when you come across the mysterious instance of a guy who puts his Instagram handle in his profile. What are you supposed to do with that? Does he actually want you to have the chance to learn more about him beyond the six pictures currently available to you? Or is just a f*ckboy move? He’s basically giving you permission to stalk him, right? In the latest episode of our U Up? podcast, Jared and Jordana discussed their opinions on this suspicious tactic. Jared, a male himself, broke down what guys’ real intentions are when they use it.
1. It’s An Excuse For You To Give Him Your Insta
Jordana’s first impression of the issue was totally positive; she trusted that guys do it as a way to say, “For more information, click here.” But Jared, our window to the male psyche, has a theory that if you are automatically granted your match’s Instagram, this gives him the ammo he needs to ask you for your Instagram. You have his, so now you owe him yours! It’s just returning the favor, he doesn’t make the rules. Now he can go look at all the pictures of you he wants, like, in a creepy way. Jared said the way guys put their Insta handle in their dating app bios is “like putting cheese out for the mouse”—as bait, basically.
2. It’s A Gateway To Slide Into The DMs
Why does a guy want your Instagram anyway, aside from the opportunity to look at your bikini pics? It’s simple: once the guy has successfully acquired your Instagram, he has full access to take the conversation into the DMs. Jared explained, “Now they’re in DM land, and that’s where casual happens.” So apparently, Instagram handle guys are so manipulative that they can make you vulnerable to them without doing anything to actually earn the comfort level required to get to the DMs. And here we were thinking we just had a better way to get to know their personalities! Wow.
3. Which Is A Gateway To The “U Up?” Message
According to Jared, guys think, “I wanna see your Instagram because I just wanna DM with you so that we can gain some trust…and we can go meet up late at night.” I truly underestimated guys’ propensity for Blair Waldorf-level scheming. No, Blair Waldorf wouldn’t plant the seed for a successful “U up?” text, but she would know just how to set someone up to do exactly what she wants.
4. It Makes It Less Douchey To Ghost You
When the “U up?” comes from DM land, guys can ghost you and cover their douchey tracks. “If you’re texting or messaging on Instagram or something that isn’t your phone number, that becomes the excuse for ‘We’re not even that close, we don’t even text,’” Jared said, and therefore it doesn’t count for as bad of an offense. Or at least the guy can tell himself that in order to sleep better at night. The bar really is the floor here.
5. It Sets You Up For Disappointment
If you use a guy’s Instagram page to learn more about him and it makes you actually like him enough to get invested in him and think he is the man for you, then you might get disappointed when he’s not as interested as you are. If you’re selective in who you decide to actually talk to and consider going on a first date with, then stalking his Instagram only to become more and more interested could leave you hurt when, after all, he is the asshole who put his Instagram bio in his dating profile just to get into your DMs (and eventually, pants). Jared told Jordana, as his dad always says, “The honest one always gets f*cked.” In this case, figuratively AND literally.
If you want to hear more about the Instagram handle tactic, listen to the latest U Up? episode below.
Images: Erik Lucatero / Unsplash; Giphy (3); Tenor
The other day I was chatting away with some guy named Chase on Hinge (is anyone ugly ever named Chase? The answer is no), when we get on the subject of our fav childhood toys. Mine were obviously American Girl Dolls, no questions asked. Yes, my mom made me buy the ratchet non-AG brand clothes sometimes, but simply owning an American Girl Doll was the ultimate 90s girl status symbol.
That got me thinking about the fact that my poor AG dolls never had one good love interest. (Felicity’s horse Penny does not count, although I’m sure horse girls would disagree.) So, I decided to assemble Hinge profiles for my favs, since even Revolutionary War-era plastic people deserve true love.
Any guy that goes out with Felicity must know two things: one, she’s one of those girls who thinks you don’t need alcohol to have fun (she even got Jiggy Nye to stop drinking, LAME), and two, she’s obsessed with horses. So, actually, no one should go out with Felicity. She’s boring AF. Hinge guys, save yourselves.
There’s definitely a guy out there for Molly, and his name is probably Eugene. I’m guessing they’d do something like go to a nature museum or study the vegetables in Molly’s Victory Garden, because that’s the type of activity she’s into. As a side note, who wears pigtails over the age of six?
Hinge guys are known to use the info on your profile to plan clutch dates… so it’s pretty obvious Josephina will be courted by numerous suitors attempting to take her for Tex-Mex. Let’s just hope the restaurant isn’t air conditioned, because that peasant blouse doesn’t look very warm. #NotPractical.
Kirsten was my favorite doll, mainly because she looks like me. Since she’s so down-to-earth (I mean duh, she lives on the prairie), it’s a safe bet that she’d be cool with drinks at a
dive bar dive log cabin.
Let’s be real, Samantha is high-maintenance AF. She would definitely require any Hinge guy take her to an expensive cocktail bar, where she’d order four $20 cocktails and not offer to pay. Seriously, such a betch, but at least she looks good. I mean, who wears a hat on a date?
Images: kawaii_cupcakes / Flickr; Hinge (6)
Hi everyone! I’m a straight dude who The Betches feel is probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. So they’ve been asking me questions in search of straightforward, honest answers that the guy you’re seeing probably won’t be able to give. I’ve broken down the dating apps, one-piece bathing suits, job titles, and sex numbers. So grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…
Can you do like “things you should never put in your dating profile?” Things girls put in their profiles that are red flags to guys.
This article isn’t to say that guys don’t have their own red flags when it comes to dating app profiles. How do I know? About two years ago on the world famous JTrain Podcast, I started doing dating app makeovers. It was supposed to be a fun gag until I received about 500 profiles that were all making very similar mistakes.
For guys, it was always that they were having too much fun. It was like they made a profile to join some fraternity. They’d be chugging beers and flexing while shirtless next to a drugged lion. Their bios were some cheesy line you’ve seen stolen from The Fat Jewish (which he also stole). The pictures always needed to be toned down and the bios needed to be more self-aware (every girl reading is currently nodding while rolling their eyes at the most recent guy they met on a swiping app and blew and never heard from again).
The issue with the female profiles were that they never seemed fun enough. And based on the problem I just explained about male dating app profiles, this makes sense. You’re looking at all these pictures of cocky shirtless foaming-at-the-mouth animals and as an act of protection you write out rules like “No hook ups!” and “No pen pals.” So a lot of the profiles end up sounding like contracts before ever meeting or speaking. They’d say who they were and what they were looking for as if anyone would actually do that if they got approached at a bar. And since guys don’t see what other guy profiles look like, these contracts felt a little like someone who was absolving themselves of any responsibility if this yet-to-happen relationship went south. As you’ll see from the “red flags” below, a lot of them hinge on this premise of protection which, again, I understand. But how much would you want to meet the guy whose bio said, “I know we’ve matched but easy there, I ain’t going down on you yet?”
“Not Here To Hook Up”
We know. We’re pretty sure you don’t go anywhere to just hook up. That girl on the subway we tried to make eye contact with didn’t go to work to hook up. That girl at the gym we asked about wasn’t there to hook up. That woman with the child at the park we said “Nice BabyBjörn” to wasn’t looking to hook up. Any time a random guy speaks to you it’s because of this screwed up dream that it will result in a hookup. So writing “Not here to hook up” kind of ruins the fun of the one place this dream could actually come true. The illusion is ruined. I’m not saying this means you have to hook up, but please stop writing that. It’s like a guy writing, “Not here to sit on the couch on Sunday nights because I kind of feel bloated after the weekend and I like being alone.” I don’t see him going on many dates.
Where’s Waldo Pictures
WE CAN’T FIND YOU! You have friends. We get it. And we like seeing that you have friends, but that’s not why we downloaded the app (*looks down at penis*). We get that you needed the picture with all of your friends in front of the spray painted mural of the feminist slogan in the non-gentrified section of town while doing the Spice Girls poses. I agree, you do look hot in the picture with your friends where you’re all laughing at brunch. Thank God someone caught that totally off-the-cuff moment. But PLEASE, have the first couple pictures be just you. That would save us all a lot of time. When you have to look at someone else and ask, “Which one is she? And why are they all laughing in every picture?” Every guys assumes you have something to hide.
“Passionate About Travel”
Are you passionate about travel or do you just like not working like the rest of us? I never get why travel is put in the same sentence as how much you love your family and friends. That isn’t worth the same amount. As if you met a guy and he gets along with everyone you love and they love him too but he just isn’t into Mykonos. Would you dump him? How sane would that sound? “Hey dad, I know you love Ben but we had to end it. He just wouldn’t spend five grand to take a picture with a cool Snapchat filter. If you need me, I’ll be receiving endless dick pics on Tinder! Hopefully one of them loves traveling.”
“Fluent In Sarcasm”
To guys, this reads as, “I’m an asshole but my friends are afraid to say something about it.”
I get that times are weird. I mean, you may have just worn a vagina on your head to make a point. But allow me to get a bit political in a space where I’ve written about licking butts. Maybe “All Blank Voters swipe left” is part of the issue. Maybe the lack of reasonable debate and conversation with the opposite party without resorting to name calling is what’s missing. And maybe, there’s a guy who has parents who voted for someone you don’t agree with. Maybe he sees your your side on a lot of issues but sees your “All Blank Voters swipe left” and thinks you might not be up for a reasonable and thoughtful conversation where you both can learn from one another. Maybe most of us are all more in the middle on this stuff than the talk on the internet represents. Maybe this guy you could have met but didn’t would have licked your butt.
We just need you to be a little reasonable about your dog. Here’s a little secret, single girls having a dog isn’t really a good thing to most guys. You basically bought a boyfriend who will kiss you whenever you want and won’t ever disagree with you or tire of you. We can’t ever be the dog.
BUT, if you’re going to have a dog and you’re calling yourself its mom then we know we’re in for a lot of really dumb fights. All of a sudden it’s Mother’s Day and you’re not coming to my family’s brunch because you didn’t get tagged in a post. Then I have to explain to my mom (an actual mom) that you’re upset about not getting the credit for all that you do for “our Snickers.”
“The One Playing With The Dog”
It’s not that this isn’t cute or a funny line but, like a lot of lines on dating apps, it announces who you are without having to be that person. We get it. You’re fun and can ignore a whole party for a dog. I’ve also seen this line so many times and I’ve been to parties so it doesn’t really ring true. There aren’t more girls circled around the dog than there are circled around the vodka and club soda in the kitchen.
“Wanderer” And “Adventurer”
I put these two together because we literally have no idea what you’re talking about. All the girls talking about “Wandering around the city” sound like they’re blind. And please just answer me one thing, what’s your idea of an adventure? Is it to be kidnapped? Do you want to go on a safari? Or do you want to get drunk at brunch, go take a nap together, then go out that night and decide to come home early to have sex? If it’s the brunch one, most guys want that too and your efforts at sounding like you live a more interesting life by using different words are becoming confusing.
“Good Vibes Only” “No Drama” “Not Looking For Pen Pals”
This is why you can message over the app. To find out if this person you found attractive enough to swipe right can be a good fit. Lines like these seem to absolve the person of any responsibility if the conversation sucks. Two people can be attracted to one another and have nothing else in common. This is how a lot of one night stands happen at bars. You meet, you fuck, and you wake up in the morning and she says something like, “The struggle is real!!!” And you decide to never speak to this person again.
The Negative Nancy
You see a lot of bios that are commentaries on the current dating culture. They’ll write something like, “My weekend was great! Let’s move on.” Or, “Ask me about my weekend and we can never speak again.” Or, “You call THAT a dick?!” And it’s all just a little too cool for school. Putting yourself out there sucks and the dating apps can feel like you’re on a carousel of the same conversations and dates. But, and I’m being optimistic, those similar conversations are supposed to happen to have the one that isn’t so regular shine through. There’s a lot wrong on these apps but there’s been a lot wrong with dating since women with opinions got burned at the stake for being witches. If you want to complain, just write about it for Betches in an article that’s way too long.