Valentine’s Day is coming up, and with it comes the insurmountable pressure of doing something but not something that’s too something that would terrify someone so they run away screaming from you and then you die alone with a bunch of cats. That later eat your corpse. Just me then?
Like, obviously we all want to have some kind of plan for Valentine’s Day besides watching Bridget Jones’s Diary for the 40th time and eating all the chocolate your mom sent in one sitting. But depending on how long you’ve been dating, you don’t want to put too much pressure on the situation. So what should you do with your significant other, or your not-yet-significant other, on Valentine’s Day? We figured it out. Here’s what you should do based on how long you’ve been seeing each other.
Less Than 1 Month
Congratulations, you met someone you really like recently and have been on a couple dates. Good for you! It’s exciting and you want to hang out with them more, but Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and you don’t know how to handle it. At this stage? Don’t. It’s way too much pressure to expect someone to come with a fun plan for this day when they barely even know you. Instead, tell them your availability that week and do not include Valentine’s Day at all. If they ask if you have plans that day, then you can figure out something to do, but don’t be the person to bring it up. Sorry, I know it’s 2019 and all, but asking to hang out on Valentine’s Day before you’ve even DTR’d is not going to help your cause of not appearing desperate.
“What are you getting for Valentine’s Day?”
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) January 28, 2019
Okay, so you’re a few months in, probably even dating exclusively by now if you’re really into each other. WTF do you do for Valentine’s Day? At this point it’s totally okay to mention that you’d like to do something casual for V Day. Suggest getting tacos or going to a bar that will definitely not have some kind of insane pre-set menu. Spending time together is expected, but you still don’t want to go over the top. If you exchange gifts, make sure they’re small and inexpensive, i.e., a cute baseball cap, not concert tickets for a show half a year away.
6 Months – 1 Year
Now we’re getting into “okay, if you forget V Day you’re dead to me” territory. It’s definitely expected that the ridiculous holiday is acknowledged, but make sure you actually tell the person you are dating that you’re interested in making plans. They may not know you even care about this stupid holiday (which like, I don’t care, but also, you have to celebrate with me). Plan something classic, like dinner at a moderately priced restaurant and maybe even a movie, or just Netflix & chill afterwards. You can also get real presents without fear of looking too invested.
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After a year, you’re fully committed, you hate the way they breathe sometimes, and you can do pretty much whatever you want for Valentine’s Day. This is when it’s appropriate to get nice gifts, flowers, the whole thing, if you’re into it. If you have the cash, it is totally fun to dress up and go to a nice restaurant with the prix fixe menu, especially if you never do that kind of thing. You can also do that whole “purchase sexy lingerie as an added present to keep the romance alive” thing. Literally, it’s whatever.
You’re basically married, you have done the pre-set menus, and let’s be honest: Valentine’s Day is one of the worst days of the year to go out. It’s like New Years Eve—days that are supposed to be fun but end up way too overpriced and crowded. Once you’re really settled in, forget the dinners and expensive menus, and do something casual at home together. Cook a nice dinner, have some wine, and save your cash that would be for presents on booking a trip together later in the year. Valentine’s Day is really so overrated, and once you’ve done it a few times, you guys have a right to be totally over going out.
You when you get the check for the pre-set menu:
If you’ve been dating for 3+ years, then the only thing you should be doing on Valentine’s Day is getting a ring. I’m (mostly) kidding, but you should know enough about your significant other at that point to not be scouring the internet for Valentine’s Day ideas. Just saying!
Images: Jakob Owens / Unsplash; Giphy (3); betches / Instagram
Last week, Twitter user, @SingleintheSou1 tweeted Betches with a screenshot of her text conversation. The texts were with a guy she’d matched with on Hinge a few days before, whom she had yet to meet. After bonding over a shared interest in football (can’t relate), they swapped numbers. Then he decided to casually remind her what a hot commodity he is by mentioning he had a date. @SingleintheSou1 was not pleased. This led to a debate of sorts in our mentions. Some people said the guy did nothing wrong. Some people (me) called him trash (mentally, not publicly on Twitter). So we decided to reach out to the original poster to get her version of the story.
It all started with this offending text:
He thinks he can just slide that in there and I won’t notice? We just matched a week ago and have a date sent for this weekend…. #WellThatsCancelled #cantmakethisup @betchesluvthis @seriouslybumble pic.twitter.com/gBDLaMFZK8
— Single in the South (@SingleintheSou1) September 4, 2018
LOL. Okay, my first reaction here was twofold. (Threefold, if you count the initial “green text” cringe.) First, good on @SingleintheSou1 for calling him out and not just being like “haha that’s fun.” (Definitely what I would’ve done, and I get wrecked by f*ckboys like it’s my job. Just saying.) Second, how did this guy respond to her calling him out? Typically, there are two camps of douche here. Type A is your typical bro who will go with “u jealous? ;)” and then send a picture of his penis. Type B is the guy who will spend your entire relationship trying to convince you his emotions are more pure and urgent than yours, and who will act genuinely wounded when you don’t want to discuss his date with him. Luckily, I reached out to @SingleintheSou1 and we have our answer.
Yep, type B douche if I’ve ever seen one, which definitely sucks because these are the guys who are much harder to get rid of. They tend to take “I’m not going on a date with you,” as a jumping off point for debate, which it’s really not. But hey, why tell you when I can show you. Screenshots continue below.
LMAOOOO. This is like, every single tactic guys try when they f*ck up with a girl, but all in one text convo. What a gift. What a goldmine. First, he tries to turn the fact that he mentioned dating other women into an abstract discussion of online dating. Doesn’t he know that’s what Twitter threads are for? Next, we’ve reached the “clearly begging” phase of trying to reset with “how was your day.” Finally, we’ve got the “all right I’m going to CONFRONT her on this,” (at 8:24am no less—anyone else think he drafted this the night before?).
The confrontation is classic bullsh*t. He tries to make her feel like she missed out on something he already said he wasn’t interested in (“I was going to cut it off with them”—and LOVE that there’s a “them” now). He weirdly tries to suggest this her fault (“you might ghost me at any time”). And finally, he turns it around on her with “were you not talking to other guys?” Never mind that that’s in no way the point—she just didn’t exactly want to chat with him about other women.
Anyway, my opinion is that this guy was a joke from the moment he mentioned his other date. But not everyone on Twitter shared that view. @daniellenpeart had the following to say:
If you’re not in a committed relationship what’s wrong with dating around?? I’m confused. It’s a little weird that he slid it in there, sure.. but at least he was honest.
— Danielle Peart (@daniellenpeart) September 4, 2018
@SingleintheSou1 then responded:
Just like they said – no we aren’t in a committed relationship but it’s rude to be shady and talk about it before you’ve even been on a first date
— Single in the South (@SingleintheSou1) September 6, 2018
Yeah, I’m still going to have to side with @SingleintheSou1 on this one. It’s true that guys should be honest if they’re seeing other people—if you ask them. Sorry, but I guess I’m just not enough of a ~modern woman~ to want to discuss prospective matches with someone I thought I’d be going on a date with. I think a lot of the problems with online dating come from the fact that everything is so transparent already. Everyone knows that you can go home and swipe through hundreds of matches at any time—and nothing’s stopping you from continuing to do that even if you meet someone you like.
But dating has always required building the illusion that you’d rather spend more time with that person than anyone else, even when it’s really, really not true. You both have to be there in good faith, making an effort to make a connection. And that’s hard to do when they insist on announcing it every time they go on a date with someone else who they would like more. Just my two cents. @SingleintheSou1, best of luck in your future pursuits—and thank you for including us on this journey.
Got a sh*tty dating story? Email us at [email protected] with subject line “Dating Horror Story”.
Images: Single In The South; SingleintheSou1, daniellenpeart / Twitter
With first dates come lots of nerves and pressure. You want to look cute, but not like you tried too hard. You want to seem interested so he asks you out again, but you don’t want to look desperate. With all these things on your mind, what you’re going to eat on the date is definitely the last thing you’re thinking about, but it shouldn’t be. What you order at the restaurant says a lot about you. But don’t worry, here’s a list of the worst foods to eat on a date so you’ll be prepared.
1. Side Salad
If you want to look like someone who eats like a rabbit, then go right ahead. Most restaurants have plenty of acceptable menu items for if you’re trying to lose three pounds, but just a side salad is not one of them. If you’re just ordering a side salad to go next to your water because you’re worried about the cost, then maybe going on a date at a restaurant isn’t for you. Besides, you don’t want to set expectations for your relationship that you don’t eat and you won’t cost him a lot. We both know neither of those are true.
2. The Most Expensive Thing On The Menu
Being overly cautious about what your meal will cost your date (assuming he’s paying) isn’t the best way to go about ordering on a date. But also, purposefully ordering the most expensive thing on the menu as some sort of test is not a cute look either. Unless you’ve already talked about ordering some famous special dish, don’t go for the most expensive item. You don’t want him to know how high-maintenance and pricey you are. Keep that on the DL until at least the third date.
3. Ribs Or Wings
I don’t think there is anyone on planet Earth who can come out of a dinner after eating ribs or chicken wings without looking like an animal. My boyfriend admitted to me that he still won’t eat ribs in front of me because he’s afraid I’d be so turned off. In my opinion, there are some things that you don’t need to share with your SO, and the murder scene you leave behind after a rib fest is definitely one of them.
Specifically, maki rolls are the worst foods to eat on a date. Either the roll is too big to fit in your mouth, so you end up biting it in half and it falls apart, or you stuff it all in at once and look like a chipmunk. Both options are less than ideal.
I don’t think I have ever left an Italian restaurant without some sort of pasta sauce on me. Similar to ribs, there is no ladylike way to eat spaghetti that will make your date think “Damn, I want to sleep with her rn.” How one is able to eat pasta without the slurping noise *gag* is beyond me. If Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray Love couldn’t take a mouthful of spaghetti without looking like a slob, then you definitely can’t.
Images: Giphy (2)
First dates are rough. I mean, I don’t even really date, so I wouldn’t know. I’m assuming they are rough. They are especially rough if you’ve been in long-term relationships for most of your life and you’re used to the people you date knowing (and loving) everything about you without you having to put in any effort. It’s not like that when you first meet someone, though, and sometimes it can be difficult to find the line between “this is who I am” and telling someone “I come with an airport terminal’s worth of baggage”. You need to save that for when they’re already invested (#lifehack). It’s not that you should hide parts of yourself, but there are some topics that can wait for date five instead of date one. Here’s a non-comprehensive list of first date topics to avoid.
1. Family Drama
Look, if things work out and you bring him (or her) as your date to your cousin’s wedding, he will absolutely see that your mom was two hours late, showed up drunk, and threw a wine glass at the wall. Again. You don’t need to tell him this right off the bat. Family drama is obviously something you will need to confide in your partner about, but it’s just not really a fun topic when you first meet someone. Plus, it takes away from him getting to know you. You also don’t want him to think that you’re a shit-talker, disloyal to your family, or even worse, that you’ve inherited the wine-glass-throwing genes. He can find that out later when he already likes you.
2. Mental Health Problems
You have no idea how much I love talking about mental health. I’m so glad it’s open, honest discussion now, and we can all lean on each other through depression, anxiety, and whatever else. I am an open book about my own struggles, and I love when others are too. HOWEVER, I don’t start with this on a first date, and I wouldn’t recommend you do so either. Your mental health does not define you, and you do not have to lead with how Zoloft made you gain 20 pounds in six weeks and made you stop sleeping for a while. Yes, you’ll have to talk about it eventually. But on the first date, try to just get to know each other and save the heavy topics for when you’re more serious.
3. Anything About Children
This goes for both men and women. Do not say anything, and I mean anything, about children on your first date. The one exception is if you’re talking about ones you already have, in which case you should definitely tell them, but leave out the part where your deadbeat ex refuses to pay child support (see Family Drama above). Not speaking about children means you cannot ask them if they want kids, how many kids they want, if they plan on raising their children Jewish (and would they expect you to convert), or even how adorable your best friend’s kid is and how you can’t wait to have one of your own. No. These are important questions, but not for date one. It’s just not attractive if you seem like you want kids with anyone and don’t care who—the person you’re on a date with probably wants to believe you fell in love and want to reproduce with them specifically. He won’t be able to get to know you if all he can hear is your ovaries exploding all over the place. Save this talk for later and talk about happy hour deals or your awesome PhD dissertation instead.
Do not, and I mean DO NOT, bring up any insecurities of yours. And tbh, with this one, I don’t think you should bring it up ever to anyone except maybe your therapist. Don’t beat yourself up to people. If someone is on a date with you, they find you attractive. Do not talk them out of this. Don’t say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t normally look like this, I typically wear more makeup,” etc. It really doesn’t matter what you look like, confidence alone is sexy. Telling him about your rigorous diet plan to drink only spicy juice for the next week to lose your love handles makes you look awful and insecure. If you do feel bloated or you’re broken out, don’t address it. He probably doesn’t care or notice. On that note, if you’re dating online, also make sure your pictures actually look like you. If you have creative angles hiding your body, or all your photos are of you at weddings with full makeup, straightened hair, and gowns, but you normally don’t wear makeup, leave your hair as whatever, and wear leggings every day, you run the risk of someone showing up and being disappointed in your appearance. Don’t lie about who you are. He has every right to like straightened-hair girls, just like you weed out anyone under six feet tall. Save yourself the heartache by making sure your pics show you IRL.
5. Fate, Astrology, Etc.
Don’t say it’s fate you met him. Do not say you’re so glad he’s a Taurus, because your last three exes were also Tauruses and also your best friend from college, and you know that is most compatible with your sign and when the planets line up and blah blah blah. And for the love of God, do not ask him the exact time he was born so you can chart his moon sign. If your date brings up their love of fate, astrology, whatever, then go ahead and talk about it. Otherwise, save this sort of thing for a later date. It can come off badly, like you’re not all there, but mostly it puts a lot of pressure on the situation. Telling someone you’ve just met that this is destiny and written in the stars makes it seem like you want to keep them locked up in your basement. I don’t make the rules here, it’s just how it is. Even if you genuinely believe this, there is no harm in keeping to yourself until he’s already invested in other great things about you.
For more relationship advice every week, listen to the U Up? podcast!
Images: Giphy (5)
It’s 2017, and we live in a relentless era of fuckboys. Thanks to a society that lets men feel like they rule the world (Google: The Patriarchy), guys generally suck. Dating is a minefield of trying to avoid the worst of them, and this has all been put on steroids by the prevalence of social media. Now, there are entire websites dedicated to the worst in fuckboy pre-date behavior (@byefelipe), but what about when an IRL meet up is already scheduled? It’s important to keep your guard up from the first moment, and analyzing his first date choice is a crucial part of this. Like, don’t assume everything is all good just because he didn’t send you an unsolicited photo of his erect penis. That is not the standard of good behavior we want to promote. It’s not even the bare minimum. It’s like always shitting in a toilet, as opposed to a hole you dig in the ground—just expected as a productive member of society. Here’s how you can tell what kind of fuckboy you have on your hands based off that very first date.
Fancy Cocktails: The Wall Street Fuckboy
He’s got a great job, so you might want to keep him around for a while. Just beware that along with the job, he probably also two other girlfriends who won’t be afraid to get territorial. Conversely, he’ll def get jealous and think you’re “flirting with the waiter” wherever you go because he figures you’re always on the prowl for a hookup, just like he is. Get him to buy you some nice shit, but don’t get too involved, because he knows how to play the game just as well as you and def has one of those rich guy inferiority complexes you read about in Gossip Girl.
Tailgate/Sporting Event: The Frat Fuckboy
No matter his age, he will show up wearing a frocket tee or a polo, and you will hate every minute of it. Quit acting like a chill girl and demand better for yourself. Sorry fellas, but if we have to drink out of a fucking red solo cup on a first date, that’s going to be the last date. Ever. Dating is cancelled. And unless we’re sitting courtside at an NBA game, we don’t want to watch sports with you.
Bowling Alley: The Fuckboy Who Lives At Home
If your Uber pulls up at a fucking bowling alley, run like the last Lululemon store in the world is having a clearance sale. He absolutely still lives with his parents, maybe even by choice, which makes it even weirder. As a semi-functioning adult with your life semi-together, you have absolutely no time for date ideas that are just repurposed from the birthday parties you attended in second grade. (Also includes: mini golf, ceramics painting, etc.) Also, he’s probably sober, and not for a good reason like, “suffering from alcoholism,” but for a stupid reason like “I wouldn’t want to disappoint my mom.”
Live Music Club: The Hipster Fuckboy
He might not seem intimidating at first, but the hipster fuckboy will constantly judge you for not knowing about rando “jam bands” and not being a vegan. Sorry dudes, but we’d rather eat meat and dairy than hang around to “hear music” until 3am. You guys will barely be able to talk at all because of all the noise pollution around you, and that’s probably a good thing because this fuckboy has very little to offer outside a good IPA recommendation.
Casual Hangout: The Fuckbuddy Fuckboy
If you are going to his house for the “first date,” then call Ashton Kutcher because you’ve been punk’d. This is not a date, it’s a glorified booty call that he felt too awkward to be honest about. Even if he seems cool, he’s obviously not interested in anything serious. That’s not necessarily a problem, but don’t lie to yourself. Being delusional went out of style in like, 2013.
Dive Bar: The Has-Been Fuckboy
This man may be 24-30 years old, but mentally he’s still stuck in college. He could clearly afford to take you someplace nice (or at least someplace without sports memorabilia on the walls), but instead he chose this. He probably still drinks shitty beer because it makes him feel young. You know what your future will look like, and this is not it.
The Movies: The Antisocial Fuckboy
We like going to the movies as much as the next person, but why pay $11 to not talk to someone for two hours when you could just stay in bed and do a face mask? You deserve a man who can hold a decent conversation, so seeing a movie before the third date is a major red flag.
Coffee: The Cheap Fuckboy
If a guy suggests coffee as a first date, just cancel immediately. Is this dude Mr. Krabs? The difference between a cup of coffee and a beer is like, $4. This guy thinks he’s being casual by setting up a coffee date, when it’s obvious he just doesn’t want to “invest” in you so early on by buying you a cocktail like a goddamn adult. If you go out with this fuckboy and don’t put out or agree to a second date, he’ll probably send you a formal invoice for the vodka soda he bought you. Sure, it will be fun to roast him in your group chat, but it’s going to come at a price. Literally. Not to mention, anyone who drinks coffee after like, 5pm is a psycho. You don’t have to date the poor; you can just donate to Unicef or something.
Nice Restaurant: The Too-Good-To-Be-True Fuckboy
You know what they say: if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. But you can at least let it buy you dinner first before you find out? If a man offers to take you to a restaurant with 3 or more dollar signs on Yelp, make sure you show up with a pointed list of questions designed to show his flaws. Whether it’s chronic bad breath or he’s got bodies hidden in his freezer, you need to get to the bottom of these things.
Dear Guys Who Invite Me Over to ‘Watch a Movie’
Between Justin Bieber still living in the US, the additional month I have to wait until Scandal comes back, and the fact that it won’t stop fucking snowing, there is a lot I could be hating in life right now. That said, there is still nothing I hate more than when a guy I don’t really know that well asks me if I want to “come over and watch a movie.”
If you’re going to just try to go for the V, you need to at least put some effort in. Take me out for drinks and dinner before you invite me to your place. I can’t claim that my game is on some Beyoncé level shit, but I have a fully functioning and disease-free vagina thank you very much, and I’m counting on some work being put in on your end before I inevitably refuse to give it up. If twelve-year-olds are willing to run around an obstacle course, answer riddles from a talking tree, and embarrass themselves on live TV just to fail at putting together the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, you can expend some energy into attempting to get in my ironclad pants.
My point is, people have been willing to do a lot more for a lot less.
Shit, now that Blockbuster’s gone out of business, you don’t even need to leave your house to drive to the fucking store to pick up a movie. YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A PHYSICAL COPY OF THE MOVIE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Now any asshole with a working laptop and an internet connection and his friend’s brother’s roommate’s dog’s Netflix subscription thinks he can hit it? No, and no.
And don’t think for one second I’m deluded into the whole “I’m being a nice guy who just wants to watch a movie in the company of a girl I like and incidentally also want to bone” bullshit that you might be going for. First off, if I wanted to be spend time with a nice guy, I would stay home and watch something that Topher Grace is in. Second, maybe some other basic bitch would believe that you could actually get to know a person while you’re sitting side-by-side, not looking at or talking to one another for 1.5-3 hours in front of your TV or Mac, but my four years of college partying have left me with enough functioning brain cells for common sense. So no, I’m not falling for that shit either…
Next time, I’m going to insist we watch 12 Years a Slave and fuck your whole plan up:
You’re not as smooth as you think,
There comes a point in every betch’s life when she realizes she needs to stop acting like a serial Bachelor contestant and get serious about not dying alone. That point will typically occur immediately after she gives her phone number to a guy who turns to her and says, “We went out four years ago. Do you not remember…?”
At this point, there is only one solution: join Hinge, where, rumor has it, the men are legitimately excited to hold your hand in public (if you’re into that kinda thing…) and say, “Isn’t this psychopath adorable? Back off. I’m the only one who gets to buy her vodka sodas.”
Before reaching that level of commitment, though, it’s necessary to do a bit of dating around. Below are the six Hinge dates every NYC betch will experience before landing The One.
1. The SoulCycle Date With A Recovered Fuckboy
This recovered fuckboy spent the better part of his twenties working in finance and tearing through every dating app. His hobbies include binge drinking in a Patagonia vest and talking about how he makes his money “work for him.”
Now that he is 32 and his fuckboy squad has started marrying girls with names like Caroline and Margot, he has no choice but to look for someone who will move to a Boston suburb with him and raise children legitimately excited to have a lacrosse net in their backyard.
The best way to find the woman who transitions effortlessly from Manhattan vodka soda connoisseur to Wellesley room mom is to take her on a SoulCycle date. This date accomplishes three things:
1. He is able to soberly assess her athletic prowess and stamina … wink.
2. He is able to get his workout in—a non-negotiable for a washed-up college athlete trying to stave off dad bod.
3. As someone who has slept with over 7,000 women, he is well aware of how good this date idea will make him look to her friends.
“He took me to SoulCycle, that obvi means he’s marriage-ready,” you will gush to your bffs over brunch, as if spending $38 (plus a Smart Water) on you is equivalent to proposing at the Eiffel Tower.
2. Craft Cocktails With The Creative Director
At some point along your Hinge journey, you will encounter a Harry Styles lookalike who will out-cool you on every level, to the point that you will just be like, “LOL actually this relationship can’t continue. I don’t think you understand I bought my IKEA couch on Craigslist and consider Taylor Swift a mentor.” (For shame.)
Everything about this guy will make you question where you went wrong in your life. The Creative Director will meet you at a bar you’ve never heard of, mainly because it has no address, no phone number, and no name. Weeks later, when you’ll try to go back to the bar with your friends, you’ll find it never existed.
Some combination of the following will occur as the bartender whisks a bald eagle egg white into your drink:
1. You will find out he is an investor in this bar, and several others in parts of Brooklyn you’ve never heard of.
2. A celebrity with a rumored drug problem will walk in.
3. You will try to pay, but as it turns out, this bar operates on a “members only” credit system, which is kept track of with a giant leather book and a feather dipped in ink.
After a few whirlwind dates, where you casually meet “his boy Rocky” (yes, A$AP), your relationship will implode under your crippling self-doubt. When you see him on Getty Images with a long-lost Hadid a few weeks later, you’ll tell yourself you could have never gotten serious with such a big hipster anyway.
3. The All-Nighter With The Australian Who Is Actually The Happiest Person Alive
One little-known fact about NYC is that there is a large population of extremely attractive Australian men with more joie de vivre than Richard Simmons. These guys have knowledge of every fun trapping this city has to offer, mainly because Australians in the US are sponsored by their home country and don’t have to actually work while they’re here.
A first Hinge date with The Australian usually starts out normal enough: drinks at a chill but trendy bar. Very quickly though, it will become apparent that just because it’s Tuesday doesn’t mean it’s not an occasion to “get weird.” Australian guys love to get weird.
Planned on being home by 10? HA. By 10, you’re in a private karaoke room…with a group of German tourists. By midnight, you’ve crossed the Canadian border. By 4am, you’re having a hot sauce chugging contest, and by 6am he’s convinced you getting married would be fun. Right now.
You will stumble into work in the same clothes you wore yesterday wondering how the hell you’ve lived your entire life in such a state of lameness but also vowing to never ever do this again.
The only drawback? You have to text with him on WhatsApp.
4. Sunday Afternoon Cornhole With The Startup Bro
Note: Sunday Afternoon Cornhole With the Startup Bro will be the closest to competing on a Nickelodeon game show you will reach in adulthood. Consider wearing goggles, knee pads, and elbow guards.
If you’re unsure whether or not you’re on a date with The Startup Bro, here is a helpful checklist. Does your date:
-Use the phrase “company culture” when discussing his workplace?
-Act surprised when you tell him your glasses are from somewhere other than Warby Parker? (He didn’t realize other places make glasses.)
-Reference a TED Talk more than twice?
-Live anywhere in Brooklyn?
If you can answer “yes” to three or more of these questions, you are definitely on a date with a startup bro.
As for the actual date—well, I hope you enjoy fratty drinking games, because Startup Bro has the activity tastes of a 19-year-old. Prepare yourself and your liver for the following:
-Flip Cup with his “work team”
-Cornhole (the Holy Grail of startup bro games)
-A multitude of random trivia questions (not a physical challenge, but a mental one. Startup Bros require a 150% effort in all areas, at all times)
5. The Epic Date With A Rich Divorced Guy
This dude owns a townhouse on the Upper East Side, attended two Ivy Leagues, and hasn’t dated since like, the 1800s. As such, he is clueless about modern dating and believes he has to spend lots of money and demonstrate genuine respect in order for you to respond to his texts. As he should. Little does he know his competition is a 31-year-old Penn State grad whose idea of chivalry is not bringing you to the same bar he brought his last dating app thot.
Your first date will be something casual, like front row seats to Billy Joel at MSG followed by dinner at Eleven Madison Park, because that’s how things were done when he was dating his ex-wife 950 years ago. When you ask how he even heard of Hinge considering he remembers black-and-white TV, he will tell you an associate at the hedge fund he founded suggested it. By this point, you are already mentally redecorating his townhouse.
The date will end with a civilized kiss, after which he’ll order you an Uber black car. The next day he will call (not text) to set up your subsequent date: a movie (what is this, the 50’s???), followed by dinner at a quaint UES pizza restaurant where every patron is over 50.
Things with Rich Divorced Guy will go one of two ways: either you will trick him into marrying you and become an overnight billionaire, or you will out yourself as an imposter at one of his black tie charity events by asking for a shot of Fireball.
Your call. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
6. The Perfect Date at the “Nice But Not Too Nice” Bar With Your Future Husband
There is a 99.9% chance Your Future Husband will tell you to meet him at a vaguely Irish bar with a name that follows this pattern: “Article, Quirky Adjective, Random Noun.” So, if a Hinge guy suggests meeting at a place with a name like The Flickering Light Bulb, he could be The One.
By some miracle, you will arrive early for this date. “Cool,” you’ll think. “I will bide my time in the bathroom applying a 20th coat of lip gloss and texting my group chat about how much I wish I was at home watching 90 Day Fiance.”
But—hold on—he is already sitting there. And even though he’s sitting, you can tell he’s actually taller than advertised on his profile. *Mentally picks out wedding dress*
“Future Husband?” you say. He immediately gets up and goes in for the hug. You feel dainty and cute in his presence, and not like the sarcastic, spastic fuck you normally are.
“What can I get you to drink?” he asks. You tell him vodka soda with lime (duh), but the bartender is nowhere to be seen.
Under normal circumstances, this would be cause for panic…but because this is your Future Husband, you forget you don’t even have a drink, and before you know it, you’re discussing in-depth hypotheticals, like the pros and cons of betting $1 on The Price is Right.
Pretty soon it’s 10…and then 11…and before you know it, you and Future Husband are walking hand in hand towards your apartment.
“I had so much fun,” he says, going in for a polite, non-hookup kiss. “Let’s do this again.”
You will fall into bed, giddy and slightly drunk, then Google stalk the shit out of him until you fall asleep.
You would never buy a shirt without asking your friends if it looked good on you first, so why would you date someone without asking the stars? I mean, yeah we know most horoscopes are like completely made up questionably reliable, but if the moon can affect the tides, then it’s totally possible the stars can help you find love. Or in the very least, you should know what signs you’re compatible with. One thing’s for sure, whichever sign is the one that makes a 30-year-old dude keep a Bob Marley poster over his bed is def least compatible. Here’s our guide to which signs you should never date if you’re a…. fill in the blank.
You’re a fire sign, which means you’re passionate and also overly confident. I mean, that’s not exactly a bad thing, because you’ve got the goods to back it up. Basically when you say, “I love adventure,” you actually mean it. Unfortunately this means you should avoid dating a Cancer at all costs. Cancers are mild and not very active, which works well if you’re like into staying in and coordinating your outfits, which you are not. Cancer is going to feel intimidated by everything you do and probably harbor that shit—like, you’ll definitely feel like the crazy one if you date a Cancer.
Generally speaking, you’re an easygoing person. You’re a fixed sign, which means even though you like being the center of attention, you’ve got stability in your blood. So you’re like the Camille Grammer of the group—you are part of the in crowd but you’re not the one trying to start drama. Because of this, though, you should def run if a Leo or Aquarius comes into your life. The Aquarius sign is constantly changing, which will annoy the shit out of you. You will find their moods so unstable that you could be talking for 6 months and still feel like you never really dated. You need something more stable and honest, and the uncertainty of Aquarius is such a turn off you were probably only attracted to him because you were drunk or on birth control that flipped your emotions around. Sorry, but it’s not going to work.
You’re a deep person with many moods, and even your close friends will still feel like they don’t really know you because you always keep a part of you guarded. How very Don Draper of you. You do not like expressing deep emotions to people, and you’re more like a golden retriever puppy in that you’re gentle and affectionate but people don’t always trust you enough not to keep an eye on you. You’re also a huge flirt, which means you’re not going to get along with Scorpio, because they’re jealous AF. You also should stay away from Pisces, because even though you don’t think a little bit of lying is harmful, Pisces is so intuitive that they’ll always know when you’re being dishonest. The fact that Pisces can pick up all your mood changes is going to annoy you, because you like the privacy of hiding behind a shallow niceness without people looking too much into it. Unfortunately Pisces won’t be satisfied with you until they know the truth. Basically, you need to date a Dan Humphrey, not a Chuck Bass that will obsess over you in an overbearing way.
You’re a very emotional and loving person, which means you get along with someone who can show they’re caring. Like sometimes you have sex just to get to the cuddling, because the intimacy is what you crave. You need to date someone who can protect you, like Edward Cullen but without the aggressive vampire shit. You probably hate blow jobs, so you shouldn’t date a Scorpio, who is going to be highly sexual. However, Scorpios have a deep love, so this can work in your favor if you’re like hot enough to get by on mediocre sex. You also want to stay away from Aries, because their aggression is like Scorpio, only without the passion. You’ll just feel like you’re always in a fight or you did something wrong, which isn’t the good basis of a relationship.
Obviously all betches love attention, but the Leos are on another level. You shine in the spotlight and everyone is charmed by you. You can walk into a room and it’ll feel like every 90s teen movie where the hot girls walk through the halls and everyone turns to high five you. Unfortunately this means you’re not very compatible with Scorpios because they are so jealous they’ll make you feel bad for being liked. Sorry, you can’t help it you’re so popular. Also stay away from Taurus, because your energies are going to clash.
You’re an Earth sign, which means you’re pretty grounded. Like when you say you’re chill, you actually mean it. You’re hardworking and loyal, which means you don’t really understand why anyone would cheat. You would actually enjoy going on a Groupon cooking date, because you’re practical and you like to feel like you’re doing something useful. You will not get along with Gemini, because their impossible mood swings will drive you crazy. Like, you want to hear “I love you” in month three and Gemini might say it, but they’ll also say it to three other people. What a Ben Higgins move. You need to know you’re the only one—love isn’t a Monica and Brandy song for you.
You are an air sign, which means you’re balanced but also easygoing. You can have fun getting drunk at brunch or dancing on top of tables in VIP at 2am. Unfortunately, sometimes you have a hard time making decisions because you are so easygoing, which means you need to be with someone who is more decisive than you. You aren’t a great match with Capricorn or Cancer, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work either. Honestly, you’re pretty balanced so you can probably figure out any relationship, but you’re better off dating someone who can understand you, and Capricorns are so stubborn they won’t even pretend you’re right in an argument. You might not know what you want to do Friday night, but Capricorn will rub it in your face if you make the wrong decision and end up having a shitty time waiting in line somewhere. You just want someone who can go with your flow and keep you in check, not make you feel negative about yourself. Stay away from Capricorn if you can help it.
If you’re a Scorpio, you already know you have trouble in almost every relationship. That’s because you’re highly sexual but also jealous AF. Every relationship you’re in is electric, but it’s also terrifying. Like Taylor Swift says, it will definitely go down in flames. But at least you’ll have great sex while you’re burning. If Libras get along with most signs, you get along with the least. But even lower on the totem pole of compatibility are Leo and Aquarius. You’ll end up breaking up with these signs three or four times and still find a way to get back together. That’s because you kind of crave the drama and you can’t stand it when people leave you. No relationship for you is ever really over because you keep tabs on your exes like Trump watches Fox & Friends. The Leo will piss you off the most because of how much he likes attention and he’ll make you feel like you’re always fighting for his affection. To be honest, everyone will piss you off at some point.
You are a fire sign but you’re also very generous. So you will travel and seek adventure but you’ll bring your friends along for the ride. You value your freedom like the Kardashians need a forward facing camera. This means you do not get along with clingy people, and the first sign of someone getting attached to you will send you running. You do not get along well with Pisces, because they will fixate on you until you feel like you need to check in to a fake city out of town just to get some space for a day.
You are a strong leader and are used to taking control, which means you probably have made the first move on multiple occasions. Still, you’re responsible, so you probably never had to buy Plan B. Good for you, I guess. You’re least compatible with Aries and Libra, and more than likely you won’t even be attracted to either of these signs. If you try to date an Aries, you’re going to piss him off with your lack of emotions. It’s not that you don’t have emotions, it’s just that you don’t now how to connect to them publicly. So you end up having drunk screaming fights outside a pizza stand at 1am and then the makeup sex is just okay.
You’re a very chill person who’s loyal and can think for herself, which means you don’t fuck around with fuckboys. Like, you’re down for a good time, but as soon as you feel disrespected, you’re out of there. You love a good conversation, so you might be attracted to Scorpio at first because of their deep connection to the emotional side of you, but the trust issues are going to get in the way real quick. You’re never going to want to let Scorpio control you, and that’s what they will try to do. So if you know what’s good for you, keep Scorpio as a hookup but don’t get too attached.
You’re a deep and emotional person, but you don’t do casual relationships very often. You’ve tried one night stands but they always end up calling you back. You’re adventurous but you connect to people easily, so they end up sticking around. You have a hard time reading Gemini, and they’ll frustrate you until it ends in flames. Actually, in the case of Gemini, it will end in smoke, because you’ll never be able to find the fire to actually put it out. That’s because Geminis will just divert the problem without ever giving you the answers you want, which will frustrate your need for the truth until you eventually just block him and walk away. He’ll probably still try to Snapchat you a month later, but just don’t respond if you know what’s good for you.