Valentine’s Day is coming up, and with it comes the insurmountable pressure of doing something but not something that’s too something that would terrify someone so they run away screaming from you and then you die alone with a bunch of cats. That later eat your corpse. Just me then?
Like, obviously we all want to have some kind of plan for Valentine’s Day besides watching Bridget Jones’s Diary for the 40th time and eating all the chocolate your mom sent in one sitting. But depending on how long you’ve been dating, you don’t want to put too much pressure on the situation. So what should you do with your significant other, or your not-yet-significant other, on Valentine’s Day? We figured it out. Here’s what you should do based on how long you’ve been seeing each other.
Less Than 1 Month
Congratulations, you met someone you really like recently and have been on a couple dates. Good for you! It’s exciting and you want to hang out with them more, but Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and you don’t know how to handle it. At this stage? Don’t. It’s way too much pressure to expect someone to come with a fun plan for this day when they barely even know you. Instead, tell them your availability that week and do not include Valentine’s Day at all. If they ask if you have plans that day, then you can figure out something to do, but don’t be the person to bring it up. Sorry, I know it’s 2019 and all, but asking to hang out on Valentine’s Day before you’ve even DTR’d is not going to help your cause of not appearing desperate.
“What are you getting for Valentine’s Day?”
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) January 28, 2019
Okay, so you’re a few months in, probably even dating exclusively by now if you’re really into each other. WTF do you do for Valentine’s Day? At this point it’s totally okay to mention that you’d like to do something casual for V Day. Suggest getting tacos or going to a bar that will definitely not have some kind of insane pre-set menu. Spending time together is expected, but you still don’t want to go over the top. If you exchange gifts, make sure they’re small and inexpensive, i.e., a cute baseball cap, not concert tickets for a show half a year away.
6 Months – 1 Year
Now we’re getting into “okay, if you forget V Day you’re dead to me” territory. It’s definitely expected that the ridiculous holiday is acknowledged, but make sure you actually tell the person you are dating that you’re interested in making plans. They may not know you even care about this stupid holiday (which like, I don’t care, but also, you have to celebrate with me). Plan something classic, like dinner at a moderately priced restaurant and maybe even a movie, or just Netflix & chill afterwards. You can also get real presents without fear of looking too invested.
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After a year, you’re fully committed, you hate the way they breathe sometimes, and you can do pretty much whatever you want for Valentine’s Day. This is when it’s appropriate to get nice gifts, flowers, the whole thing, if you’re into it. If you have the cash, it is totally fun to dress up and go to a nice restaurant with the prix fixe menu, especially if you never do that kind of thing. You can also do that whole “purchase sexy lingerie as an added present to keep the romance alive” thing. Literally, it’s whatever.
You’re basically married, you have done the pre-set menus, and let’s be honest: Valentine’s Day is one of the worst days of the year to go out. It’s like New Years Eve—days that are supposed to be fun but end up way too overpriced and crowded. Once you’re really settled in, forget the dinners and expensive menus, and do something casual at home together. Cook a nice dinner, have some wine, and save your cash that would be for presents on booking a trip together later in the year. Valentine’s Day is really so overrated, and once you’ve done it a few times, you guys have a right to be totally over going out.
You when you get the check for the pre-set menu:
If you’ve been dating for 3+ years, then the only thing you should be doing on Valentine’s Day is getting a ring. I’m (mostly) kidding, but you should know enough about your significant other at that point to not be scouring the internet for Valentine’s Day ideas. Just saying!
Images: Jakob Owens / Unsplash; Giphy (3); betches / Instagram
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say, for betches, fall is one of the best times of the year. (And if you call it “autumn” you’re tacky and I hate you.) I mean, it’s the return of pumpkin-flavored everything, wearing leggings everyday, and sweaters and jackets that still look cute as they hide your taco/tequila food baby. Not to mention, no one gives a fuck anymore if you shave your legs. It’s glorious.
But sometimes, those bastards we meet on Tinder or at the bar try to take the glory of fall and turn it from a magical time to one of dread by asking you on dates that sound good on paper, but are actually really shitty and should be avoided at all costs. Here are the fall dates you should never agree to go on.
1. Corn Mazes
You can ask anyone I know, I basically fucking love corn mazes. Wait, no I don’t. I love the idea of corn mazes. It seems like a good idea to wear an adorable outfit to traipse around one of these manufactured death traps, but you are definitely wrong. Your shoes will get ruined because, guess what bitches? Corn grows in the dirt and that’s what you’ll be surrounded by on this date: corn and dirt. You think you can sneak into the corn for a quick fall-themed makeout sesh? Not so. You’ll have a million idiot kids interrupting you as they try to hide from their parents in the stalks. You can’t just make out in front of a bunch of kids, ya pervert. Plus, you know what’s not fun? Getting lost, i.e., the entire point of a corn maze. It sounds like a great way to realize your man has poor navigational skills, and it’s basically an argument waiting to happen. Waze does not work in the corn maze. You’ve been warned.
2. Apple Picking
Like most activities that revolve around gathering your own food, apple picking can also be the worse. It’s weird that you can go to the grocery store and get an apple for like, what, 50 cents? Yet, if you do the work to pick your own and ruin a pair of Frye boots while you’re at it, the apples cost roughly five hundred dollars a bushel. IDK if they actual charge by the bushel, but that seems like an apple picking term to me. If you do so happen agree to go on the apple picking date, remember the Fireball so you can appropriately spike your cider.
3. Haunted House
Ohhh stupid-ass dating experts will for sure tell you a haunted house would be a good idea for a date, because then your man can step up to protect you from the spooky scary goings-on. Not so, bitches. Three things could happen on this date. 1) It’s not that scary and your date gets pissed he spent 40 bucks to walk you around some weird warehouse, 2) Your date is more afraid than you are and you find out the “love of your life” is a pansy-ass bitch, or 3) You get too freaked out and pee your pants and embarrass yourself out of another date. If those are risks you’re willing to take so theater kids can jump out in front of you in full gore makeup, be my guest.
4. Fall Foliage Hike
If your dude happens to be a little bit granola, he might ask you to step out into nature and observe God’s glory by going on a fall hike. Leaves are pretty, yes. And I’m sure the fall hike will open you up to a plethora of Instagram opportunities. But do you really want to be out with a guy who would ever suggest going on a hike? Fucking gross. Like, does he even know you at all? Plus, this is practically the least amount of effort you could put into going on a date. Homeboy just invited you to walk around outside. Is he totally poor and/or so boring that he can’t come up with another option? You know, an option that doesn’t include dying from exposure? Ugh. Men these days.
5. Pumpkin Patch
Let’s go pick out a motherfucking pumpkin so we can carve it as a date! Um, right, dude. If your man asks you on this date and it’s not you who suggests the pumpkin patch, you might want to look into how much time this guy spends on Pinterest, if you know what I mean. Like corn mazes and apple picking, this food-related date doesn’t even provide you with actual food. Have you ever tasted pumpkin? It’s fucking gross and does not remotely taste like pumpkin spice. So, you’ll be exposed to the elements and don’t even get a meal out of it. Great. Also, there will be about a million families with babies taking pictures and crying their fat little heads off out there. Not really the ideal situation for a budding romance.