‘Riverdale’ Recap: How Many Cults Can One Town Have?

This week I’m just going to jump right into the Riverdale recap, because there’s only so many jokes I can make about the writers of this godforsaken show (but let’s just say they continue to test my f*cking sanity with every new plot device they introduce). Shall we begin?

The episode opens with the warden checking in on Archie, who is apparently in the hole. For those of you who never watched Orange Is The New Black aren’t familiar with prison jargon, that means he’s in solitary confinement, which I didn’t realize juvenile detention centers even had. They keep making Archie out to be some kind of Andy Dufresne, even though he literally asked to be in prison. 

I guess Archie refused to be the warden’s new cage fighter and that’s how he ended up in the cell with no food, water, or sunlight. Like, this can’t be f*cking legal. This is a JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER, not a maximum security prison! Archie is a straight, white, relatively attractive male. If anyone should be eluding the justice system, it’s him! I’m not buying it, CW. Nope.  

WHAT. FP AND ALICE ARE IN BED TOGETHER AND WHAT AM I LOOKING AT OMG. Goddamnit, CW, is this real or nah? And if this is real how DARE you deny us the lead up to this post-sex lounging taking place on our screens. You’re just gonna tease these two banging for TWO SEASONS and you’re not even gonna to let us watch it happen? THAT’S IT, I’m done you have my full attention.

Elsewhere, their children also just got done having sex! What a coincidence that isn’t all tainted by incest now.

BETTY: Do you think it’s kind of ghoulish that we banged in Dilton’s bunker?

Lol. Betty please stop acting like screwing in your dead friend’s bed doesn’t turn you on. Come on.

They think this whole Gryphons and Gargoyles thing is some sort of cult and it’s the smartest thing they’ve said all season. I’m not sure what gave it away. The unhinged following, the strange altar they worship at, or the all the murder/suicide to even get into the club. I guess that’s just good detective work, kids!

Betty goes so far as to say that perhaps the farm is also part of the cult. Again, any “farm” that takes in a runaway teen mom and her infant children who were conceived out of incest with open arms is most definitely a cult.

Betty’s like, “I don’t trust the Evernevers” and it’s like, well I don’t trust that people would willingly subscribe to a cult headed by a man named Evernever. It looks like we all have a lot of trust issues here.

Meanwhile, Veronica contemplates opening her secret speakeasy without Archie. A. Secret. Speakeasy. You and every hipster in the greater NYC area, V! Tbh I don’t know what’s more unbelievable here. That a 17-year-old is opening up her own night club or that she wants to wait until her boyfriend gets out of prison to do it.

Okay, wait. Did I just hear Veronica right? It’s a speakeasy that will only sell mocktails?

That is the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard on this show, and they’ve tried to make incest an acceptable thing, like, multiple times.

Speaking of Veronica’s bf, Archie gets dragged out of his cell in the middle of the night to go watch one of the cage fights. The warden has Joaquin fighting in Archie’s place, and IDK why this is eating Archie up so much. Joaquin literally wanted him to SHIV someone, like, two episodes ago. Prison changed him. He can def handle himself in a cage fight. Archie’s like “don’t make me watch anymore, I’ll fight for you!” Further proving that Archie will literally fall for every trick in the book.

ARCHIE: *breathes*

Someone plants children’s birthday party favors Jingle Jangle in Veronica’s speakeasy and she is PISSED. She wants her bar to be completely dry and why is everyone hell-bent on ruining her good time?? Of course this happens right as the sheriff shows up to do an inspection. Reggie’s like, “do you think your dad is behind this” and it’s like NO SH*T he’s behind it, buddy. I already don’t like how much time they’re spending together. I have a feeling Reggie is about to be the Asian replacement Archie while the real one is in Shawshank doing time.

She goes looking for Jughead to see if he’ll help her blackmail her dad so she doesn’t have to pay off his hired thugs, but finds Cheryl instead. Cheryl literally set her childhood home on fire out of spite, so I feel like blackmail is child’s play to her.

Okay WHAT. These girls throw on their best black spanx and f*cking break into The Ghoulies’ meth lab. Excuse me, Jingle Jangle lab. They make it seem like breaking into a drug den is easier than sneaking out after curfew. Just because you own a black cat suit and know how to use a back door does not mean you’re super stealthy! It just means this show is trash you’re lucky AF.  

Lol. Betty comes home and finds a bunch a farmies in her living room. She has to confess all her sins if she wants to meet Edgar Neverever. They’re like “it’s cool, Betty, we know all about the dark connection you have with your serial killer father and also the web cams!”

BETTY: I’m feeling so personally attacked rn

Okay, I seriously can’t believe Alice aired all their dirty laundry out like that! She told them about every illegal thing that family has ever done and, like, that list is long. Also, can you imagine what this cult probably thinks of them?

THE FARM: We’re going to need some sort of collateral from you if you want to join our cult family. You know, something secret or seriously damaging?
ALICE: Well we murdered someone accidentally and got rid of the body… does that count?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was an overshare, Alice. I’m thinking they wanted something more like nudes, but okay.

Okay, this G&G game is sooooo creepy. Jughead shows up to Ethel’s lair and she’s got candles burning, she’s wearing a headdress and demanding kisses from the players. Something tells me that last one was a rule she made up, but OKAY ETHEL.

She’s like “if you want to play the game then you need to drink out of one of these two chalices and one of them might be poisoned. Good luck!” AND JUGHEAD DOES IT. So, let me get this straight, kids. You frown upon underage drinking but playing Russian Roulette with your lives is chill?? Jughead drinks from the right cup and doesn’t die. Small mercies. But then Ethel starts downing the other one even though she knows it’s poison! That b*tch is crazy.

Cut to Veronica’s opening night and I’m impressed. It looks poppin’ AND there’s even a valet, which feels extra because I can’t imagine Pop’s parking lot is that big, but okay.

Okay, every time I think this bar looks really cool and all I remember that everyone there is sober. Hiram shows up and the vibe gets even creepier. There’s just a bunch of sober, scantily-clad 17-year-olds… and Hiram. Gross.

Veronica’s like “see, daddy? This is how you run a legitimate business.” Yes, Veronica, I’m sure your daddy is very impressed that you found enough friends to come to your open mic night. Like, all you’ve proven here is that you’re popular. Very popular.

Okay, so is Josie the only talent for the entire evening? Minus the weird shadow dancers in the background? Sooo it’s, like, a school dance? Except no one’s even allowed to spike the punch? Seriously, HOW is Veronica making any money off this?

While Veronica parties it up, Archie is getting the sh*t kicked out of him in prison. I’m sure he’ll write a song about this moment later. He wins the fight and the warden gives him a bottle of rum for his troubles, which is v thoughtful of him. If there’s anything I know about high school juniors it’s how much they love their alcohol to taste like suntan lotion.

Archie starts trashing the sh*t out of his room and finds Mad Dog’s old bible? Nudie mag? It’s unclear. But he finds a cut-out for a rock hammer in it, which is a plot device straight out of The Shawshank Redemption. So, what? Now he’s going to escape prison with nothing but a rock hammer? WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE.

^^A sneak peek of plagiarism Archie in next week’s episode!

Jughead and Betty get back from the dance and walk in on FP and Alice acting sketchy as hell. Betty’s like “mom what are you doing here?” and Alice is like “certainly not boning your boyfriend’s dad! What are YOU doing here?” Lol nice cover, Alice.

They found the G&G manual during their foreplay investigation and they’re pissed. FP and Alice burn the only copy of the manual and if I know anything about Riverdale, it’s that there’s no way in hell that’s the only copy. Don’t look so upset, Jughead! There’s a murder committed in your town every other day—I’m sure there will be something to investigate tomorrow!

Cut to the next day, and sure enough, the G&G manual is everywhere. Every kid in school found one in their locker and Jughead looks genuinely terrified. He’s acting like it’s Tom Riddle’s diary and not some underground version of D&D.

Ooooh so Ethel is behind the G&G distribution. I thought she was on suicide watch, though? How did she get out of the hospital unnoticed? Maybe she borrowed a catsuit from Veronica and used the back door??

regina george burn book

Next week it looks like the Riverdale writers are using The Breakfast Club as inspiration for a flashback episode featuring all the parents in their high school heyday. And by “inspiration” I mean probably using word for word dialogue from the movie. Can’t wait!

Images: Giphy (6); The CW (2)

‘Riverdale’ Season Finale Recap: Everyone Gets A New Jacket

Hello, fellow twentysomethings who like to watch teens make out on screen! We’ve made it to the Riverdale finale, and I am hopped up on Jingle Jangle and ready to go! I know I’m not your regular recapper, but I’ll try my best to do It’s Britney, Betch proud—and if I don’t, please rest assured that I will hear about it if she ever answers my texts.

When I first found out I would be taking over the Riverdale finale recap this week, I started making notes in my journal of the things I wanted to keep track of. I have my fingers crossed for a season high count of the phrase “Make my bones.” Archie, don’t let me down, you adorable idiot! Shall we get started?

The Riverdale finale opens with Betty, Archie, and Veronica at Jughead’s grave. The girls are in chic black, Archie is, of course, in his very appropriate letterman jacket. His friend may be dead, but did you know he is on varsity wrestling, god dammit? Betty is sobbing and asking Jughead to come back to her—this is definitely not real, right?

Psych! That was all in Jughead’s dream. Riverdale’s got jokes, y’all. Jughead wakes up in the hospital alive, but wishing that the name Forsythe Pendleton Jones, Jr. was a dream. The OG FP is in his room and drops some bombs. Fangs is alive! The Serpents are over! The trailer park burned down! How long was Jughead knocked out for? FP really buried the lede, though, because oh YEAH Betty’s dad is the Black Hood! Guys, if we collect all the Black Hoods by the end of this episode, do we get a prize?

Betty and her tight ponytail come to visit Jughead and his rearranged face at the hospital. He comforts her about her dad being the Black Hood and then immediately follows with “So I guess we won’t be running for student council anymore, huh?” I guess it was too much to expect a boy named Jughead to be sensitive for too long.

Cut to Veronica at Fred’s house, where she is literally planning the rest of his campaign. Freddie, if you’ve resorted to trusting your teenage son’s first sexual partner with your Mayoral campaign, I think it might already be too late for you. Veronica announces she isn’t running for student council president either.  BUT THEN WHO WILL RUN THIS SCHOOL INTO THE GROUND? Oh, we still have Archie. Blessings.

OMG Cheryl just discovered a secret barn meeting! Mr. Kelly Ripa is having a covert discussion with Penelope and Claudius. Obviously they’re up to something, and for once it isn’t Mrs. Blossom banging her friend’s dad.

Archie goes to the police station to identify the Black Hood. They show him that it’s Hal Cooper in there, and ask him to identify the man. Archie says it is Hal Cooper. They put a black hood on him. Archie says it’s the Black Hood. IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING A PROBLEM WITH THIS IDENTIFICATION PROCESS? Archie also tries to tell the Sheriff there is another Black Hood out there.

Archie: But there’s someone else out there murderin—
Sheriff Minetta:

Betty goes to Archie’s house to apologize to Fred. She says she is supposed to be a great detective and really let everyone down. Huh? I must have missed the episode where she got sworn in. I hope she wasn’t thinking she was going to get the cruiser, though. Kevin’s dad will let her have it when she pries it out of his cold dead hands.

Kevin happens upon Moose crying in the bathroom. Moose is sad because Midge’s stuffed animals in her locker are gone because of the rioting. Stuffed animals? Honestly how did Midge not get the shit beat out of her at school before this whole murder thing? Yeah, I did just say that about a dead girl. Get over it. Moose and Kevin have a hot makeout sesh in the men’s room. Not totally sanitary, but I guess better than those murder forest escapades.

Cheryl warns Veronica that her dad is in cahoots with Penelope and Claudius.

Veronica confronts her dad, Mr. Kelly Ripa. He says he just wants to get into the maple syrup trade. God, Hiram! Don’t you know “Maple Syrup” is code for drugs??!

FP got fired from Pop’s and is lying around his trailer of impenetrable plastic that could not be burned down, looking drunk and broodingly handsome. He tells Jug they are moving to Toledo. FP, I speak for everyone when I say we would all literally rather get beaten to death by ghoulies than move to Toledo.

Sheriff Minetta calls Archie back and says he made it his mission to find the second Black Hood. Oh really? Because your eyes glazed over more than my boyfriend’s when I just want to talk about my commute in excruciating detail, but okay. He says the second Black Hood was Tall Boy and they killed him in a fire fight. Well, that was an anticlimactic reveal. They really know how to deliver in a finale, huh?! All the action off screen! That’s the way to do it.

Polly is visiting her family with her babies, Poison Oak and Acorn. Polly thinks they need to visit Hal and forgive him for murdering their friends, wreaking havoc on their town, and never revealing that they were actually related to the Blossoms until his daughter was pregnant with their inbred spawn.  

Alice: Yes maybe let’s see Hal so I can give him a piece of my mind
Inner Alice:

Hermione tells Veronica that Mr. Kelly Ripa is responsible for the school shooting and that he just needs control of The White Wyrm and he’ll be able to complete his plan.

Mrs. Blossom is incredibly offended when she finds out the daughter she sent to a mental institution for being gay doesn’t want her to be her guardian anymore, but she does warn Cheryl about the raid on The White Worm.

The Serpents abandon worm and head over the Fred’s for some bacon and pancakes. Then those crazy teens head over to the school in Serpent jackets as a show of support for the Southsiders, who are getting transferred to another school. Oh look, someone managed to surgically remove Archie’s varsity jacket! It was a long and difficult procedure, but in the end, the doctors deemed it a success. It will be published in many medical journals. Archie now wears a serpent jacket and is looking *almost* as fine as FP.

Veronica hatches a plan to stop her dad from getting the White Wyrm. She buys the bar out from under him, but is willing to trade if Mr. Ripa will give her Pop’s. He trades her, but in the meantime she gives up all her inheritance, her stake in Lodge Industries, and her dignity. All so her friends can drink milkshakes! This is why teenagers should not be allowed to do business. Their brains aren’t fully formed yet.

Betty and Jughead are hanging out with Polly’s twins, and Betty is wondering if evil can be passed on. Frankly, I think these twins might have a little more to worry about including webbed toes, genetic diseases, and possibly a clubfoot. Jug says she isn’t evil. Honestly, Betty, your obsession with this darkness is starting to obsess me. A black wig and some kinky lingerie does not a murderer make.

Bless our bored souls, we have finally reached voting day! Archie wins. How shocking and surprising that the handsome idiot beat out the overweight girl! Rest assured the status quo is restored. The Southside students also get to stay. Cool. Name a more pointless plot line, I’ll wait.

Betty goes to visit Hal at the prison. What kind of prison is this with the full glass wall? Olivia Benson never got one of these. Betty says goodbye to her dad and to darkness her old friend.

The Serpents are celebrating with a junkyard fire. FP passes his torch on to Jug. His first order of business is to bestow a gorgeous red serpent jacket on my queen, Cheryl Blossom.


The phone rings at Fred’s party. He finds out he lost the race to Hermione, and then she shows up to give her condolences.

All of a sudden, we cut to Archie sitting in Mr. Ripa’s study. He snuck up the servant’s quarters like the peasant he is. Archie tries to intimidate Hiram with a very tiny blade. The same one I used to cut up my banana last night, I believe. Archie tells Hiram he knows everything and that he is coming for him and will MAKE HIS BONES ONCE AND FOR ALL!! TBH I’m very let down he only said it once this episode. For that reason alone, he did not make his bones with me. Then, instead of ya know, killing the evil dude ruining his life, Archie dramatically stabs his pocketknife into Hiram’s table and storms out.

So basically it went about how all Archie’s plans go:

The gang meets at Pop’s, pleased with how they managed to save it. Do those milkshakes taste like a million bucks, V? Literally?

Hiram walks into a secret meeting. He has assembled a crack team of evil morons, consisting of the middle-aged town prostitute, the identical twin of a dead drug dealer, a ghoulie in a studded jacket from Zara, an ex-Serpent lawyer, and the new sheriff that rode there on his bike. He says his plan is in motion, but Penelope is just pissed because she wants her brothel now. GOD MOM! Can’t you just wait a few minutes to sell your body?

Alice and Polly are sitting at the kitchen table talking about visiting Hal again. Polly suggests that she have someone from her farm come talk to Alice and help her get over all this. Is it just me, or is that a very culty vibe Polly is giving off? I mean, if anyone in that family got the darkness, I would think it’d be in the daughter that banged her cousin.

Betty and Jughead are in bed together. Jughead asks Betty to be his Serpent queen. Can you possibly think of anything more romantic?

We’ve finally made it to the school for Archie’s swearing in, and my tummy hurts and I don’t think it’s from the jingle jangle. Something very bad is about to happen. As Josie sings, the new sheriff saunters on in straight from the passenger seat of his mother’s Toyota. He’s headed right for Archie and tells him he’s under arrest for the murder of some dude named Cassidy aka the guy that tried to rob them at the cabin! Mr. Ripa stands there looking at Archie menacingly as the sheriff drags him out. I bet you wished you hadn’t just used that knife on the table now, huh Archie? THE END.

WOW! What a nothingburger of a finale! See you all back in the fall when we will find out if Archie will go to prison, if those milkshakes really were worth a million dollars, and if Cheryl’s mom will finally get the brothel she deserves.

Images: The CW (3); Giphy (4)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: The Black Hood Is Back, Back Again, Tell A Friend

Hello, fam, and welcome back to another exciting episode of Riverdale! I almost didn’t even tune in this week for fear that The CW would try and turn this episode into part two of that musical abomination they dared air last Wednesday. Literally the only good thing that came out of the last episode was Cheryl doing the Lord’s work dousing herself in pig’s blood and threatening her mother. Bless. Anyway, here’s hoping the singing is over with forever!

Andddd I spoke too soon. The episode opens at Midge’s funeral where Cheryl, a girl whose nicest words to the deceased were “you have the vocabulary of a baked potato”, has showed up in a black River Vixen’s uniform and is using the grave site as her own personal stage for her American Idol audition. This scene is not at all making Midge turn over in her grave. Not at all.

Lol Sheriff Keller trying to get to the bottom of this musical is me. He starts interrogating all of the kids and seems genuinely confused that a) there was a musical in the first place and that b) someone would want to document it for posterity. THANK YOU, SHERIFF.

SHERIFF KELLER: But why did you have the camera?
JUGHEAD: To document the musical.

Cheryl starts openly threatening the Sheriff at the funeral, because that feels appropriate to do in front of the dead girl’s grieving mother. I’d say Cheryl has no tact, but Cheryl can do no wrong. The end.

Jughead thinks Chic might be a copycat Black Hood killer and it’s the smartest idea he’s had all season. That said, his second smartest idea involved dramatically chaining himself to a statue, so, he didn’t start off strong to begin with.

Meanwhile, Archie keeps insisting that the janitor is not The Black Hood because “his eyes aren’t the same.” Cool, cool. They only shot a man dead because you said he was definitely The Black Hood, but whatevs.

We’re back to the Quiet Sisters of Mercy. Is it just me or does that whole place feel like the next season setting for American Horror Story? Jughead and Betty want to find out if Chic ever crossed paths with Mr. Svenson aka The Black Hood aka a probably innocent man in his time with the sisters.

OH SHIT. Chic is not Charles aka Alice’s long lost child. I mean, this plotline is straight out of my favorite Lifetime movie, so it’s not super original, but I still applaud the CW’s effort.

Archie starts actively seeking out The Black Hood because he has the survival instincts of a twig. He’s like the equivalent of the girl in horror movies who shows her tits and then ends up dead 10 minutes in. Tbh it’s beyond his time. This can’t end well for you, buddy!

Speaking of which, two guys jump out and grab him. If only he’d brought his hooded, shirtless entourage. Then it would truly be a fair fight.

Back at the Coopers’ house, Jughead and Betty confront Chic about not being Charles. Betty looks like she’s two seconds away from putting on her wig and taking this shit to the hot tub for answers. 

JUGHEAD: Shut your mouth, you impostor!

ALSO BETTY: ….yeah lemme handle this one.

Ah ha! So Nick Sin “Psycho” (clever, V)  is the guy in black following Archie around. He’s got Archie tied up and wants a million dollars or else he’s going to beat the shit out of Archie. Tbh it might do the boy some good. By all means, Nick, carry on.

Nick tries to ransom the Lodges for Archie’s life. Little does he know that Archie is about as useful to Hiram as my Metro card is to me getting to work on time.

VERONICA: Daddy it’s Archie! We have to pay them!

Cheryl decides to write a think piece on how shitty of a job Sheriff Keller is doing. Tbh this feels like a missed opportunity, because no one has written a think piece on Sheriff Keller’s abs, and that’s the real story here. Kevin is just like “you’re smearing my dad’s good name!” to which Cheryl laughs in his fucking face. Honestly, she’s not wrong. Sheriff Keller literally closed multiple murder cases based on the findings published in a high school newspaper. Please.

Back at the Cooper house, they’ve turned family dinner night into a hostage situation. And it’s like, have these people never heard of Taco Tuesday before?? Jesus. Just once I’d like to see this family do something fucking normal at the dinner table.

Veronica tries to pay off Nick without her Daddy’s black card. Lol let me know how that works out for you, girl. Oh shit, Nick wants Veronica to repay him with her vagina. That’s so fucking twisted and gross. I hope she brings Cheryl and the pig’s blood on their date and the three of them have a time.

Alice confronts FP about their past and Y’ALL THE PROM BABY IS FP’S. OH MY FUCKING GOD. You know how people who exercise get some sort of euphoric high after working out for a while? That’s how I feel after I’ve been proven right about a plot twist in a TV show popular among 13-year-olds. 

And as if we needed any other evidence that The Black Hood is back, Betty’s phone goes off with that creepy AF ringtone. He’s convinced that Chic murdered her real brother and he wants her to deliver the sinner to him. Quick q tho, does he not consider Dark Betty sinful? Like, what constitutes as kill-worthy sins? Because this girl has stripped in front of an entire bar filled with old bikers, lived a double life on a webcam, and just genuinely enjoys playing in a good crime scene, but she’s cool with you? K.

Okay, I’m finding it v hard to believe Veronica is actually going to sleep with this scum bag. There’s no way in hell. She’s gotta have something up her sleeve here.

Archie escapes from his binds and it’s actually unbelievable. Seriously. I’d like to see the playback on this scene please. He races off to save Veronica, but she’s already saved herself by roofing Nick. Already. Saved. Herself. That’s beautiful, CW. 

Meanwhile, Hal is not down to cover up murders. It’s like he doesn’t even realize that murder is the Coopers’ favorite form of foreplay? No wonder their marriage was so shitty. It’s like he doesn’t get Alice at all!

Betty decides to hand over Chic to The Black Hood because what 16-year-old girl doesn’t have a serial killer as a booty call? Ugh. If only my exes were as nice as hers. 

The episode ends with Archie confronting Hiram about the fact that he wouldn’t pay his ransom. He’s like “don’t worry about it, I know I have to kill someone first before you’ll care about me!”


Remember when Archie just wanted to be a musician? And not a hit man? Those were simpler times. Well, here’s to another week of suspending reality for the sake of The CW’s ratings. See you betches next week!!

Images: Giphy (5); The CW (4)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Betty And Jughead Finally Do It

It’s Wednesday and Riverdale is back and better than ever last week’s episode, because that shit was boring AF. I’m not sure what I’m more excited for going into this episode: the prospect of seeing Dark Betty fuck some shit up or The CW’s strong attempt at turning Riverdale into The Sopranos. Should be lit. Anyway, shall move on to the shit-talking?


The episode opens with Archie acting like Mr. Lodge’s personal bitch. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. One second you’re on top the leader of a shirtless high school vigilante club and the next second you’re picking up Hiram Lodge’s bran muffins, amiright, Archie?


So the sheriff thinks The Serpents are behind the statue beheading and it’s like, don’t you have better things to do with your time, Sheriff? This is literally a sub-par high school prank, not a matter of national security. Tbh the only true crime taking place here is that I haven’t seen Sheriff Keller’s abs in at least three episodes.



I rest my case.





….and she’s talking to dudes on the internet while they jerk off. *looks to heavens for guidance* Lord Jesus, fix it. Seriously, her face is about to be internet porn by the end of this episode. Colleges will see this, Betty! Your future children will be able to look this up and see mommy coaxing old men to touch themselves with her top off! ALICE, WHERE ARE YOU?? GET IN THERE!!


Betty finally confronts Jughead about his relationship with Toni. I love how teenagers on high school soap operas just come right out and ask shit. I mean, I have a tried-and-true method for getting shit out of my boyfriends, and it involves trust hacking into their phones, tracking their every waking move, and laying psychological traps all over their lives and everything they love to get to the bottom of my questions. But, ya know, to each their own.


JUGHEAD: Toni did spend the night once but she only gave me a blow job tattoo!


Jughead asks if Betty has “done anything” with anyone else and she’s just like “of course not! Unless you count the dirty old men I regularly converse with on the internet while wearing only my bra.


The FBI guy is back and I’m still not entirely convinced this guy is who he says he is. Like, if he’s an FBI agent with any sort of training he wouldn’t be relying on a 16-year-old whose greatest accomplishment in life is being former captain of the football team. Anyways, he wants Archie to spy on Veronica’s confirmation, which should be interesting because Archie has not a subtle bone in his body.


Sheriff Keller goes back for round two with Jughead and says he’s evicting the entire trailer park aka every Serpent from their homes in 14 days. Wait, wait, wait can they just evict people over a town prank?? What are the rules of this town?


Lol Hiram asks Archie to come to his poker game but as a literal servant. Honestly, I applaud his pettiness. Also I love that most of Hiram’s manipulation tactics can be taken right out of Regina George’s handbook.


Betty comes home and finds a strange guy in her house. She’s acting all shocked and skeeved out but with the path you’re on, sweetie, you better get used to this. Chic says it was for a job interview but, like, he’s in a robe? Yeah, seems legit.


Tall Boy and Jughead get into it at the clubhouse, and I guess we’re just going to pretend that Tall Boy is an acceptable nickname for a tall human being and not something I used to pound five seconds after walking into a frat party. K.


Betty and Jughead are back at it, and by “back at it” I mean giving Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen a run for their money amateur sleuthing AND NOT feeling each other up in Jughead’s abandoned trailer. I guess Betty only reserves that for her “clients” these days.


^^ Actual footage of Jughead and Betty after leaving Pop’s Diner


OH SHIT. Penny Peabody is back and she is about to fuck some shit up. She’ll help The Serpents avoid eviction, but only if Jughead gets kicked out of the gang and she wants to carve up his arm with a rusty spoon. Casual. Jughead is just like “I have a plan too!” as he holds the homemade wanted posters of the missing statue head he hand drew in fourth period art class. And he wonders why people don’t trust him with the future of their homes and livelihoods.


The FBI guy keeps trying to get Archie to wear a wire to Hiram’s poker party and Archie is just like “nah.”  For once Archie’s thinking with the head that matters. Let’s see how long this lasts.


Okay, let’s talk about the mob meeting disguised as a poker game for a minute. First of all, I doubt any mob fights happened over “cheese curds”. At least make it realistic and have it be cannolis. Second of all, Pop’s is not really that secret of a meeting place for a group of mobsters. It’s literally the #1 hangout spot in this town. Third of all, I can name at least one more high stakes poker game than this bullshit I’m watching on my screen rn:



Also, let’s just remember that that the FBI referred to these guys as “kingpins” and this one dude literally owns a hot dog stand in Quebec.


Wow this communion is so extra. From what I remember of my best friend from middle school’s communion there was not actually a concert held mid-communion where her and her friends sang songs from a movie about step siblings banging each other. But, you know, I could be remembering wrong.



The priest asks Veronica if she wants to denounce all evil and she looks like she’s really struggling with this answer. Which, like, same girl. He shouldn’t put you on the spot like that!


Jughead and Betty solve the mystery of the missing statue head! I guess I can rest easy knowing that Riverdale is safe from the likes of Greg Pikitis vicious pranksters. Jughead asks the guy who found the head if the guy he saw dump it was “tall”. As if that literally proves anything.


Jughead brings the head to that dive bar The Serpents call a clubhouse. He reveals Tall Boy’s scheme to get power over the club. He’s clearly got all the damning evidence he needs because Tall Boy is, in fact, tall.


TALL BOY: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids!!


Jughead keeps yelling about how they need to strip Tall Boy and exile him. Lol exile him where? This is New York state.


OH MY FUCKING GOD. BETTY AND JUGHEAD ARE GOING TO DO IT. It’s happening. Right here, right now, people. Finally some sex that no one paid for. I’ve been waiting for this moment since season one and somehow I didn’t think it would be tainted by Betty’s webcam extracurriculars but I guess I’ll take what I can fucking get.


Also, when this whole thing inevitably blows up in Betty’s face—and it will blow up in Betty’s face because Jughead is going to find out that either they share a sibling (hi Chic) or that she spends her free time perfecting her internet porn career—The CW better recreate the below scene or there will be hell to pay from me:



Hell. To. Pay.


Meanwhile, Alice Cooper is bitching about Betty missing dinner. Ah, if only she knew what her daughter actually does with her free time.


ALICE: This is so typical of your sister. She gets caught up in something—murder, Jughead’s penis—and can’t make it home for dinner!


The Cooper dinner is interrupted by some creepy-ass guy at the door. This is the same family who regularly corresponds with serial killers, so I doubt this is anything out of the ordinary for them.


Elsewhere, someone sends the Lodges the statue head as a communion present for Veronica, and Archie outright lies to the FBI about Hiram placing a hit on his mob buddies.


Betty gets home after losing her v-card in a trailer and I don’t even get one fucking second to bask in this moment that I’ve been waiting on for since season one because she discovers Alice scrubbing up blood on the living room floor. Casual. The creepy guy is dead AF and Alice is just like “Elizabeth, did you lock the door?” God, I love this town.


Now, if you need me, I’ll just be sobbing while I replay the 30 seconds of Bughead that graced our screen this evening. BYE.


Images: The CW (3); Buzzfeed.com (1); Giphy (4)