Regardless of what you think of the women on The Bachelor, as dumb as some of them are, and as ridiculous as their careers are (still wish I got to be a professional Dog Mom though), one thing we can agree on is that they always look amazing. It’s like a casting call for wannabe models with perfect bodies and eyelashes and hair to all compete against each other. And you know what? The ones I met recently look even better in person. They are all literally fucking tiny—Kristina, for instance, was the skinniest person I’ve ever seen in my life. It made me wonder: what the fuck do all the Bachelor contestants do to look like this?
So, we found out. Here is how to look like a Bachelor contestant while you also have a real job and aren’t selling your soul for love on a TV show.
Diet
All the women keep different diets, but it doesn’t seem like any of them just eat whatever they want and expect to look ripped. This might be why my method hasn’t been working for me, guys. Ashley I., for example, eats what she wants but stays under 1,400 calories a day. She also doesn’t work out (fucking bullshit). She says that most women are just not meant to eat the 2,000 calories a day that all of our nutrition labels claim is average and eating 1,400 calories keeps her on point. I mean, she has abs and doesn’t work out, so she must be doing something right.
Some ladies take it further, like Jennifer Saviano, and when preparing for the show, she cuts out carbs, sugar, and alcohol. Tbh, whenever I hear shit like this, I think I’d rather be fat. Like, I’m sorry, wine makes me happier than having abs ever will. Catherine Lowe eats mostly high-protein, like egg-white omelets or scrambled eggs for breakfast. Exciting.
Emily Maynard thinks cheese is the devil and eats a lot of salads. Olivia Caridi filled her giant mouth hole with whatever she wanted before The Bachelor, but only if it fit her macros on MyFitnessPal. Checking your macros is like the world’s worst puzzle, especially when you make them weird as fuck, like Olivia’s. She set hers to 40 percent protein, 40 percent carbs, and 20 percent fat each day, which I don’t really understand why, but she looked great on her season, so good job. Now please close your mouth, especially on TV.
People who actually have proper discipline, like D-Lo, don’t really change their diet much for the show, because they eat clean on the reg. D-Lo doesn’t eat grain-based carbs, refined sugar, or dairy. Also not down for this.
Exercise
Spoilers: it’s all a lot of cardio and squats. And sweating. I hate sweating.
Kaitlyn Bristowe prepared for The Bachelor by taking spin classes every day. Now she’s fucking a personal trainer and is in the “best shape of her life”, so guys, just follow in her footsteps because trainers are expensive. Other than that, it seems like most the contestants hire trainers before the show, and work out with them 4-5 days a week. Alexis Waters, aka the shark girl who thought she was a dolphin, did kickboxing and squats and the Stairmaster, all with a trainer. They also take a fuckton of classes. D-Lo does Barry’s Bootcamp, SoulCycle, and Bikram yoga; Jen Saviano does HIIT; Becca Tilley does SoulCycle, etc, etc, etc. Basically, move your ass and do it a lot.
If you also want to get in the “best shape of your life”, either start sleeping with a trainer, or you can hire one to force you to workout 4-5 days a week. Their prices range from $30/hr (frat guy trainer that took one class online from 24 Hr Fitness) to $300/hr, if you’re like a Kardashian and want a celebrity trainer. These numbers are typically based on their experience, so get one that actually knows what they are doing.
So basically, the takeaway here is that the girls who go on The Bachelor spend a ton of time, effort, and probs money to be the same size as one of my thighs. Maybe like, we shouldn’t shit on them constantly for selling hair gummies for a living, since obviously the average person (me) would not be able to be skinny or beautiful enough to do it?
Lol nah.
Images: Giphy (2)
It’s been a weirdly big news week for former contestants of Nick Viall’s season of The Bachelor. Well I guess it’s not that weird, considering Danielle L did a Reddit AMA where she spilled the tea on Dean’s fuckboyish ways and why Vanessa and Rachel aren’t friends anymore. Spoiler alert, it’s *supposedly* because Vanessa called Rachel a bully, but I think anyone with half a brain can deduce that that’s not the reason at all, just the cover Mike Fleiss forced Rachel to tell Entertainment Tonight. So it’s been quite the week for Danielle L. But not everyone is thrilled with her contributions to Bachelor Nation (which deserve an award, IMO)—Nick Viall just shaded DLo on Instagram in the pettiest way possible.
Before I get into what Nick did on Instagram I’d just like to thank whoever is following these people and notices this shit. Like, I barely notice when my friends tag me in a meme, so major props to these people who are out here seeking out and screenshotting Nick Viall’s comments on random pictures. AKA my friend’s friend. Thank you. So this friend noticed Nick made this comment on the following picture:
I’ll pause for us all to collectively eye roll. Fucking honestly, Nick. First of all, how are you gonna “ew” a girl you made out with and went on one-on-one dates with on national television? We all saw you. Second of all, Danielle isn’t “trying to stir shit up with Vanessa to stay relevant.” She was asked a question on Reddit and she answered, as one does when they are doing an AMA. How is that “trying to stir shit up”? If anything, she severely downplayed the situation by refusing to reveal what specifically was said.
Also, if Danielle were really doing this purely for relevance, she could pick a fight with, I don’t know, anyone from The Bachelor or Bachelor in Paradise who’s actually still relevant, like Dean or Kristina or literally anyone else. Nobody liked Vanessa back when she was on The Bachelor, and nobody gives a single fuck about her now that she and Nick are broken up. Vanessa is over, she’s cancelled.
I mean, I guess I can appreciate that Nick is out here defending his ex-fiancée, albeit in a very petty way, but still. There’s just no need for him to insert himself into this narrative. Go crawl back into one of your sexless turtlenecks and shave your back.
You guys know why I’m here, right? I’m basically The Bachelor internet rumors correspondent. *Adds to resume* So it should come as no surprise to you that when Danielle Lombard aka Danielle L aka D-Lo did an AMA on The Bachelor subreddit, I was on that shit like a former Bachelor contestant and a FabFitFun box. For those of you who have lives and don’t procrastinate endlessly at work don’t Reddit, “AMA” stands for “Ask Me Anything.” Basically, a celebrity or person of interest will log onto Reddit, usually take a selfie of themselves holding up a paper that says “Hi Reddit! It’s me, Todd Kraines” or whoever they are so they can authenticate their identity, then Reddit users will post questions in a single thread, and the aforementioned celebrity/person of interest will answer them at their will.
Y’all still with me? Okay, good. So in D-Lo’s AMA, she spilled a LOT of tea. For instance, she revealed that Dean called her up mere hours after Bachelor in Paradise filming wrapped and spent five hours on the phone convincing her to give him another chance, only for him to act like a fuckboy again the second she turned around. She also provided some major insight into why Nick and Vanessa broke up. And again I say, I fucking love Reddit. It is truly a magical place. Anyone who tries to convince me otherwise will get a swift block.
First off, for all you Vanessa haters (all of us), D-Lo just gave you some more ammo. One of the top questions was why Rachel and Vanessa aren’t friends anymore, and it’s because Vanessa allegedly “called Rachel something that was extremely derogatory.” She added that it was so bad that “Vanessa had to be separated for the rest of the show.” Yooooo. That is serious. Danielle doesn’t specify what Vanessa called Rachel, so I’ll just leave you all to your imaginations. So not only is Vanessa annoying and a fame whore, but she’s also like, a terrible person. ABC, RELEASE THE TAPES!
BUT HERE’S WHERE IT GETS REALLY GOOD. Someone asked the following: “I will probably ask what the beef was with Vanessa and all the women. What nick did to make all the women on his season hate him. Why All the women didn’t leave when they knew they never wanted to marry nick and Thought he was ugly. Why would Vanessa accept nicks proposal when she despised him and went out of her way to cheat on him.” (Capitalization inconsistencies are OP’s own, not mine.)
Danielle addressed the questions, saying, “I think most of the girls felt like Nick never wanted to get married and he just wanted to be on TV. So that really pissed a lot of women off.” Okay, so that’s not really that groundbreaking. But she did add, “Maybe for Vanessa, it became more of a competition? But I don’t think that she cheated on him? It was just ironic because she told Nick I was just there to be famous since I’ve modeled in the past, but you come to find out later that she’s actually and model and tv host/actress in Canada and that Nick’s been taking acting classes out in LA.”
If you can read between the lines, which is what I got my PhD in, Nick and Vanessa broke up because they were both fame whores who couldn’t stand each other, and once the initial endorsement money ran out they no longer felt the need to keep up the charade. So basically what we all thought to be true is confirmed by someone with insider knowledge. Also, I laughed myself into a coma at the idea of Nick Viall’s lisping ass landing a role anywhere other than a reality TV franchise he’s basically blackmailed his way into staying a part of.
Thanks Danielle. Thanks Reddit. I’d recommend reading the entire AMA because there’s lots more tea where that came from.
The problem I have with a lot of these Bachelor celebs is that they choose to attempt to find love on what’s basically a television game show and then get really whiny when they get played. I mean, you had to at least sort of realize that could happen. Enter Danielle L. She gave a pretty detailed interview to Us Magazine about her time on this season of Bachelor in Paradise ending with, you guessed it, complaining about Dean.
Let’s backtrack. So Danielle tells Us that she signed up for BiP because she thought it’d be a good experience and a way to find love, despite the fact it had the reputation of being a spring break-esque, crab-ridden hookup fest. She said her friends who had done the show previously said it was a really great time so she was like, “sure, what the hell.”
Danielle then starts in about how Dean didn’t tell her about Kristina. Well, duh, he’s a dude. I can’t even get my boyfriend to tell me about his ex, like Dean’s going to tell you about someone he’s actually currently dating. Kristina, apparently, didn’t make it known that she was totes in love with Dean either. So D-Lo thought it was all fair game, or something.
We basically all saw the rest play out on TV. But what happened between that beach breakup with D-Lo and Dean and the reunion on the finale? Shockingly, Dean was still acting like an indecisive fuckboy MOMENTS AFTER filming wrapped. This fucking guy.
D-Lo alleges that Dean called her as soon as they got to the hotel, told her the producers baited him into the breakup and that he wanted to keep hanging out with her. When they got back to LA, they DID hang out. Like, girl, really? This guy embarrassed you once on national TV, you’re going to forgive him after a few missed phone calls and an apology where he blamed TV producers?
K nvm, I can’t really blame her for that. It would take a lot less for me to forgive that dude, and I don’t even know him, but I’m a straight human woman with eyes so it’s kinda easy to see why she welcomed him back into her heart and probably vagina.
As for Dean, Danielle says she’s more disappointed and frustrated with him than anything. He made it seem like he only wanted her for her looks. She must have been real pissed about it because it spurred her to post an Insta of them kissing where she complains about how hard it is to be so pretty. SMDH. Your life is harder than starving kids in Africa because you have been plighted with good looks. C’mon now. No one feels bad for you.
So do we buy that she’s over Dean? Not really. I’m not even over Dean. She’ll probably pull an all-of-us and run back to him if he ever decided he could be slightly less of a fuckboy and give it the old college try. Dean should probs just run for president at this point because he too, could shoot someone on 5th Ave and wouldn’t lose votes—at least not from women, anyway.
