One of the things I love most about Gossip Girl is the slew of random characters whose sole purpose is to keep the plot interesting by shaking things up for our favorite four Upper East Siders and two annoying Brooklynites who endlessly complain about their unfortunate financial lot in life from their gigantic loft in one of New York’s most expensive neighborhoods. I digress. Anyway, as with any television show, each season introduces a few new characters, some of whom are truly perfect temporary additions to the cast, like
Fleur Delacour Eva Coupeau, and others are less than perfect, like most of the writers’ choices.
I’m a loyal GG lover, so I typically hold back when it comes to some of the laughable wardrobe choices, but as I rewatch this scripted trash for the ninth time, I can’t bite my tongue about the most egregious part of this show: the randos. Without further ado, I give you the worst and/or most annoying random characters who we all love to hate. Enjoy.
For those of you who forgot who she is, allow me to remind you. She’s the sister of the boarding school teacher-turned-convicted-felon with whom Serena allegedly had an affair when she was 15 and he was…older than 15. Mhmm, makes sense. Anyway, if I had to pick the worst thing about Juliet, it would have to be the way she dresses. Literally, all of her outfits are different yet heinous versions of the same business-professional dress with a cropped blazer over it. Like???? When I was in college, I literally wore jeans and sweaters every goddamn day.
Aside from her sartorial errors. her character is also incredibly creepy. I’m pretty sure the most disturbing exchange in this entire series is one that took place between Juliet and her brother during a prison visit when she says, “Keep your focus on not getting raped or killed” to which he responds, “It’s a minimum security prison” and she counters with, “And you’re hot” and then they seductively hold hands across the table and exchange minxy smiles. I think it’s totally okay to say he’s handsome or attractive because, criminal or not, he is both of those things, but hot? That’s your BROTHER. Why don’t you go take a cold shower, sis! Also, her whole purpose on this show is to, like, physically injure Serena and get her expelled from college, which is pretty shameful. Even Georgina would disapprove of this.
Damien has a lot of unfortunate qualities that earned him a spot on this list, but the one thing I truly couldn’t stand was how condescending he was to Jenny while they were dating. When they were about to have sex, she was really nervous because she was a virgin and he was like, “I get it. I’m older than you and when I date someone, sex is a a big part of the relationship. You’re a young, innocent girl, so I get that you’re nervous.” He was in Serena’s class at boarding school, which would make him no more than two years older than Jenny, so I’m confused as to why he’s talking to her like a World War II veteran who’s seen more than she ever will.
Acting like a cultured citizen of the world was like, his whole persona, which I just found incredibly annoying because he was literally 18 at the time, so no one’s buying it, sweetie.
This is another character whose circumstances really confused me. My knowledge of British monarchy is based solely on The Crown, so forgive me if I’m wrong, but if Catherine were a “lady,” that would mean she’s married to a duke, which we’ve been told she is. So if that’s the case, why would they be summering in the Hamptons and living in a townhouse in Manhattan the rest of the time? Don’t they have royal duties in England to carry out? Don’t forget, this was pre-Meghan Markle.
The second, and slightly bigger, issue with this lady is that she has a title of nobility and yet she’s paying an underage American kid to bang her against her dryer every few days. Two felonies for the price of one! How did this affair even work? Would she text him on her burner cell and be like, “Hey, when you’re done with algebra, can you come over?” Let us not forget, she was also f*cking her stepson. Safe to say, this woman needs therapy.
I know she’s not technically considered random since she’s in every season, but she’s not part of the main six, so to me, she’s a random. Sorry (not really) to all of the Vanessa die-hards, but she plainly sucks. She’s one of those people who feels way too comfortable around people she just met and, maybe it’s just me because I still don’t feel comfortable around people I’ve known my whole life, but that’s not a likable quality. Second, I didn’t like how she was always at private events for schools she didn’t attend! Like, she was at literally every dance, party, and study session of the Constance girls and then at the Columbia alumni events. Seriously, she doesn’t even go here!
Okay, to set the record straight, I hated the fake Charlie Rhodes (Ivy Dickens), but lived for the real Lola Rhodes. I know this isn’t a character flaw, but there was something about her voice that made it really hard to get on board with anything she was talking about, and her pretending to have a mental illness to explain her behavior wasn’t cool.
I know she was an actress being paid by the real Lola Rhodes’ mom to pretend to be her (happens all the time), but couldn’t Ivy have just, like, gotten another acting job that didn’t involve fraud? I can’t imagine being so desperate for a job that I’d hear Carol’s pitch and think it was a good idea.
Sorry, but Tripp and his waspy-ass name was a giant p*ssy. Like, literally everything about him was so pathetic and sad—especially when he crashed his car and put Serena in the driver’s seat to make it seem like it was her fault. Why do all of these people in positions of power take no more than two seconds to consider whether or not they want to commit a crime? I take more time deciding between two identical pale pink nail polishes than Tripp did to pin a car crash on his mistress. I also feel like Nate’s fancy politico cousin should have been 10 times hotter than Tripp, who looks like he calls his mom four times a day. I definitely wouldn’t have voted for him.
Hands down Serena’s least likable boy toy. His skinny scarves and confusing haircut were enough for me to decide he sucks, but then he opened his mouth and…it didn’t help his cause. Like Damien with Jenny, Aaron acts like Serena is just a young and stupid child who doesn’t understand the complexities of adulthood, which is hilarious to me because Blake Lively was 22 playing a 17-year-old, but whatever. Anyway, even if that is the case, you are fully aware that she’s in high school, so stop acting like her being young is a flaw you have to get past! He should be more concerned with the statutory rape he’s committing.
Also, his whole “I date multiple women at once” thing is just gross. I understand that you can’t expect monogamy after knowing each other for approximately five minutes, but Aaron, you don’t need to constantly remind her that you’re f*cking 10 other women at the moment. All in all, he was not hot enough to act that smug and condescending, and I was truly elated when Serena told
us Dan that she left in him in Argentina.
And there you have it, the worst random characters in Gossip Girl! Did I leave any out? Let me know who you hated the most in the comments! Until next time, Upper East Siders. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
Images: Giphy (8)
People who are way too vocal about how a TV show or movie is nothing like the novels they’re based on are the absolute woooooooorst. And in case you haven’t noticed, I am the absolute woooooooorst, especially when it comes to my taste in TV shows, according to our comment section. Gotta be honest, I watched only binge watched Gossip Girl once, and once was all I needed. However, I work at Betches, so I’ve seen enough content to act like I’ve seen the show a thousand times. I used to read the books religiously when I was in middle school, so I’m expert here (kind of) on the differences between the books and the show. So I can say with confidence that some of the changes Josh Schwartz made to 11-year-old Millie’s beloved Gossip Girl franchise suck more than when he killed off Marissa on The O.C. or brought on Taylor and Oliver. Here’s the lowdown on the worst of the worst amendments made to the Gossip Girl TV show.
Almost Everything About Chuck
The only similarities between book Chuck and TV show Chuck are that he’s super loaded, he was involved with Blair, and I cannot believe he’s in high school. Both of those Chucks never had to worry about typical high school things like grades or getting random boners during class (feel like Nate in both settings would have to worry about the latter, though). But first off: Chuck in the novels barely dated Blair, and it happened for only a year when they were in Oxford together. He did assault Jenny in the novel and the show, and shame on CW for being so forgiving and romanticizing him after that. (Maybe Ed Westwick is hoping he’ll get the same treatment TV Chuck Bass did after getting #MeToo’d, and that’s probably gonna happen to because he’s a privileged white male.)
In the novel, people really didn’t like him to begin with and he was only allowed in the social scene because he’s rich. But as the series went on, it was alluded to that Chuck was bisexual. Chuck also got rejected from every college because his parents didn’t love him enough to participate in Operation Varsity Blues. He was forced to go to military school by his dad, but he never showed face to orientation or classes. Overall, the biggest difference between novel Chuck and TV Chuck is that TV Chuck was portraying as a brooding, smoldering dude, whereas novel Chuck was just an asshole with little to no redeeming qualities. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen girls post sappy photos of Chuck and Blair on social media, saying, “I want a Chuck to my Blair!” No! Why are we romanticizing TV Chuck? He’s totally the type of guy to ask for nudes before you go on a date or texting “making it move” in response to something that wasn’t remotely sexual. Being the friendless, rudderless guy with no real friends is what Chuck deserves, and I’m glad the novel put him in his place (until his random romance with Blair).
Everything About Jenny
TV show Jenny is blonde, lithe, and eventually, very edgy. Novel Jenny was really short, had brown curly hair, and had really big boobs. Book Jenny had a one-sided fling with Nate where she made googley eyes at everything about him and he just made googley eyes at her huge rack. They hooked up with him in Central Park and someone filmed it. The relationship ended because Nate is SUCH a boy. Ugh, typical. After getting expelled from Constance for partying, Novel Jenny eventually went off to boarding school, where she went from underdog to being pretty popular (and inspiring a v good spin-off book series, The It Girl).
TV show Jenny, meanwhile, bitched out and left because Blair banned her from Manhattan. As I get older and older, this city seems to get smaller and smaller, and I bump into random people I know at least three times a week. So yeah, I’d wanna ban someone I hate from this city too because I don’t want to see their face. But WTF kind of prick has the audacity to ban someone from a city? Are you the police? No? Then you can’t tell me where to live. And furthermore, what kind of loser is like, “K, I’ll leave because you, some person who has no power over how I live my life, say so”? That’s such a weak exit on the writers’ end for one of the only characters I actually liked. The books did Jenny way more justice by showing us her downward spiral riddled with illicit drugs and rockstars, only to be expelled and sent off to boarding school.
Everything About Dan
The worst change that was made to Dan is that he was Gossip Girl the entire time. And then what’s up with the writers being like, “Okay, the characters can be miffed but Dan is welcomed with open arms five minutes later.” That sh*t doesn’t make sense. His relationships on the show were almost as terrible as him running a blog so stalkerish it would put Joe Goldberg from You to shame. Serena and Dan dated very briefly in the books, but broke up when they realized their relationship has zero depth. In the TV series, they break up a bunch but end up getting married in spite of their entire relationship consisting of gossiping about drama, creating drama themselves, and having extended eye contact as music swells in the background. That kind of relationship ultimately has no depth either, but was way more torturous to be drawn out for years. Novel Blair and novel Dan hate each other or don’t even acknowledge each other the entire time. TV Dan and Blair hated each other initially but ended up having like, the healthiest relationship on the show. Why didn’t they end up together again? Novel Dan’s biggest relationship was his on-again-off-again relationship with his bestie Vanessa (who shaved her head bald in that world). In the TV show, he just dates Vanessa very briefly after a threesome with Lizzie McGuire and they decide they’re better off as friends.
TL;DR Everything about Dan sucked in the series because it just made him have as much depth as a martini glass. Novel Dan at least had redeeming qualities and—get this—had some character development.
The Blair-Serena-Nate Love Triangle
The TV series just made it seemed like Nate was riding a merry-go-round of hookups and high school romances with zero depth. He did date Serena and Blair, but neither of those relationships were as profound as the girls’ other relationships. They didn’t even give him a happy ending by giving him a soulmate, which is honestly the most realistic part of the show because literally 95% of 30-something-year-old NYC guys don’t find someone they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with. Shout-out to Josh Schwartz for being realistic for one time in any of his TV shows!
But novel Nate actually did volley between Serena and Blair throughout the entire book series because he was in love with both of them, and had a couple of hookups in between. He didn’t want to get in the way of their friendship and so he sailed around the world with a family friend. Again, this is totally realistic because guys will do anything to avoid confrontation and dealing with their issues. So, in both different instances, he’s a typical boy, but his love triangle with Blair and Serena was way better than Blair and Serena having sh*tty relationships with Chuck and Dan. I was more emotionally invested in the love triangle because they all genuinely seemed to love each other, and it was hard to see how that relationship would’ve worked itself out, which makes it juicier.
Images: Giphy (4)
In case you missed it, the internet is flipping tf out over Netflix’s newest binge watch You, starring none other than Dan Humphrey himself. You technically premiered last fall on Lifetime but was just recently released on Netflix, and since nothing good ever happens in January (aside from my day of birth, duh) I guess people are just now tuning in and they are, ahem, spirited about the show. We had some initial thoughts about the show but now that I’ve personally had a chance to
spend 10 hours in a dark room with my Netflix account watch it I’m about to unload on you even more. SORRY NOT SORRY.
If you’re not familiar with the premise, here’s the deal: Joe (aka Penn Badgley aka Dan Humphrey) is a hipster bookstore owner by day, unhinged (but somehow loveable??) stalker by night. He’s set his sights on the human incarnation of the reason people think white girls are insufferable: Guinevere Beck aka “Beck.” Beck is a struggling MFA student just trying to make it big as a poet (lol) and also still party with her rich girlfriends and be able to afford her massive, one bedroom apartment in “the village” (LOL). I’m halfway through the show and I can’t decide what I find more problematic: that Beck thinks she will make enough money as a poet to cover her student loan debt or that I’m actually attracted to someone who looks like he hangs out exclusively in Bushwick.
I guess I’m not the only one who’s wet for a psychopath (tbh I’ve been attracted to worse), because last week people took to Twitter
kindly ask Penn Badgley to kidnap them. I wish I was joking. See the evidence here: to work our their childhood traumas
No thx https://t.co/VnBqJ3JoxG
— Penn Badgley (@PennBadgley) January 9, 2019
A: He is a murderer https://t.co/g2g4f3JvaF
— Penn Badgley (@PennBadgley) January 9, 2019
Lonely Boy responded to fans by pointing out that Joe is actually a murderer and why would you fantasize about someone like that, to which I’d just like to say you clearly don’t understand me or my love language. Look, I get it. Joe’s character is a controlling stalker, he’s a murderer, and his relationship with Beck is less healthy than my Seamless history. But I think we have to acknowledge that there’s also something weirdly attractive about his character. And since I’ve spent the last 27 years of my life dating sociopaths (it’s a gift!) I thought I’d break down for you why everyone is so obsessed with Joe The Stalker.
1. He’s Committed
Say what you like about his psychotic tendencies, but the boy is committed. From the moment he sees Beck and strikes up a conversation with her (one that didn’t start with “ur hot” or “let’s bang”, I might add!!) he immediately knows what he wants and would even go so far as to kill for it. I can’t even get a guy to commit to a happy hour, much less KILL for me. My relationships usually go something like this: boy meets girl, boy takes girl to get drinks, boy sleeps with girl, boy immediately says he’s not ready for anything serious three seconds after pulling out, girl says “nah I’ll pass”, boy blows up girl’s texts, voicemail, and Instagram DMs for the next two years because he wants to “hang out” again. TELL ME HOW THAT IS ANY LESS SOCIOPATHIC. In a time when men are so wishy-washy, when they can’t even begin to vocalize what they want, there’s something that’s insanely sexy about Joe’s intense commitment to Beck.
2. He’s Engaged
Not only is he 100 percent committed to Beck, but he’s actually engaged in the relationship. He listens to her when she speaks, he takes an interest in what she’s interested in. He supports her interests and career goals and doesn’t even laugh out loud when she reads from her
sad hand written book poetry collection!! I’ve literally been on a date with a guy who, when he found out I wrote for Betches, said “that’s cool but have you ever thought about really getting published?” Betches only has an audience of over five million people and casually made Forbes “30 Under 30” list, but I guess because it’s targeted towards women it doesn’t count? Lol I love the patriarchy! It’s this display of unconditional support that might be why women like myself find Joe, a murderous stalker but who actually takes a woman seriously, so damn sexy. Idk.
3. He Looks Out For Beck’s Best Interests
Throughout the majority of the show, Joe is constantly saving Beck from herself. Before she meets him she’s the booty call of an artisan soda maker, she’s broke, barely writing, and about to get kicked out of her MFA program (again, LOL that she was ever accepted in the first place). In short, Beck
is me sucks. After she starts dating Joe she’s writing regularly, acting more fiscally responsible, and she even stopped masturbating in front of open windows, which feels like the biggest win here tbh.
Now, would Joe’s controlling behavior be more frightening if he focused that energy on how she dressed and who she spoke to, instead of trying to advance her career and feed her avocado toast? Absolutely. But the things he wants for her don’t seem that bad, which might be why the internet is willing to overlook some of these scary traits.
So there you have it. I rest my case. To the trolls who I CHALLENGE to @ me in the comments, I’d just like to reiterate that I understand Joe is toxic and trash but, like, so is every other man on the planet. I’m not advocating this as a healthy relationship. But I do get why women are attracted to him. The fact that every woman with a pulse on Twitter is setting the bar for the male species at “crazy stalker who is interested but might kill people” should say something about our current dating climate. Instead of pretending like you have NO IDEA why women would stoop so low, maybe think about why we would want to in the first place. This concludes my TED Talk.
Images: Twitter (2); Giphy (3)
Face it motherchuckers, there’s nothing like a good Gossip Girl marathon to remind you how great 2008 was. Obama got elected, headbands were making a comeback, and it still mattered that your purse had a name brand (No fabric totes here, betches!). In honor of the end of the 20-aughts, let’s throw it back to the best/most ridiculous quotes from the show that aired, while we still had it all. And by “it all,” I mean a President that wasn’t garbage, parents who didn’t charge us rent, and a Motorola Razr.
Oh, and just to be clear, these quotes are probably mostly from the first few seasons of the show, you know, before things got weird, and all the writers had aneurysms and decided Dan was Gossip Girl. TBH, I’m honestly still mad about it, like fuming as I write this right now. My vote for Gossip Girl was either Dorota or Nellie, but hey, what do I know? As long as Blair and Chuck ended up together, I guess all is well in the world. Also, don’t @ me saying I ruined it for you with those spoilers. The show ended in 2012—legit five years ago. If you haven’t watched it yet, what are you, like 12? Anyway, enjoy this trip down memory lane. XOXO
“Don’t mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It’s my signature.” – Chuck
Chuck said a lot of really fucking stupid shit, but most of the time we legit didn’t care, because even though Ed Westwick is legit kind of weird looking, as Chuck, he could get it. Let’s be real, Ed Westwick is still weird looking and can still get it. Chuck was that annoying ass friend who referred to their friends by their full names and not what they actually went by. Also, what kind of a 17-year-old has a signature scarf? Chuck Bass, that’s who. Any questions?
“Relax, man. Girls know that when a guy says that during it doesn’t mean “I love you,” it means “I love having sex with you.” – Nate
OK, I mean, in some cases, Nate wasn’t wrong here. But this is probably teaching a whole generation of girls that dudes only drop the ILY so they can get in your pants. Nate wasn’t even the biggest fuckboy on this show, yet he’s dropping truth bombs on millennials like its nobody’s business. Like, thanks a lot Gossip Girl for furthering my trust issues with dudes.
“Wait, just tell me that no one’s trying to stop a wedding, run a Ponzi scheme, give anybody fake cancer, or turn into a justifiably vengeful townie.” – Eric
This quote from the littlest Van Der Woodsen seems really fucked up, yet, these are all legit real things that happened in the show. Like I said, the last few seasons of this show were totally insane. Not included in this quote includes Serena being drugged by her on-again-off-again boyfriend who turns out to be Gossip Girl, a legit crazy person impersonating Serena, or Chucks dad dying and then, oh jk, not being dead at all. Gotta give these writers credit for being pretty self-aware, most of the time.
“I don’t read Gossip Girl. That’s for chicks” – Dan Humphrey
Nice try, Humphrey. Like we were supposed to believe an educated, worldly, Brooklynite refers to women as “chicks.” Even in 2008, this seemed a little out of place. We all thought the writers just spazzed and made him Gossip Girl, but what if they planned on Dan being Gossip Girl the whole time and used quotes like this just to throw us off?! #hottake
“Looks like this Parisian beauty reeled in a Bass. A Chuck Bass, to be more specific.” – Gossip Girl
Gossip Girl her/himself said a lot of weird ass things throughout the series, but I would have to say the Chuck Bass puns were among some of the worst. This quote is from the part of the show where Chuck starts dating Fleur Delacour. Gossip Girl also once said something about Chuck Bass being adrift at sea or some shit. Like, OK people. We get that his last name is Bass and that’s a fish. HA HA. Make a new pun.
“Your daughter wakes up alone, drugged in an empty motel room, and you don’t call the cops? You don’t ask if she’s okay or what happened? You just have her committed? What kind of mother does that?” – Serena
Can we just talk about how Lilly and Rufus were probably the worst parents of all time? This quote makes the ridicu-list for referencing a huge part of the show that no one remembers: the parents were totally shitty all the time. They dgaf that their dating would make it weird for their kids to be friends, let alone dating themselves. Also, Serena was drugged by Gossip Girl who turned out to be Dan, and then her mom blamed her for the whole thing. Way to slut shame, Lilly.
“The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car, three words, eight letters… say it and I’m yours.” -Blair
What’s a list of Gossip Girl quotes without legit the best line from the whole show? A pretty shitty list, that’s what. Also, they’re at the Vitamin Water White Party during this episdode. WTF? Like that’s a thing. Blair tells Chuck that she’ll leave whatever aristocratic boyfriend she has at the time, if he just tells her he loves her. Of course, Chuck doesn’t say those three magic words until the end of season two, and then they don’t even really get together until the final season anyway. It’s all bullshit. Yet, why do I think about this quote all the time? Whatever, I ship Chuck and Blair forever.
Growing up there was literally no better time to be alive because the teen dramas were fire during those days. Any show that involved hot half-brothers duking it out on the basketball court or hot vampire brothers brooding over high school girls was my freaking catnip. I learned some v important lessons from those shows too. Like, if you gave your virginity to your vampire boyfriend he might lose his soul, terrorize your friends and family, and try to end the world. Subtle abstinence messages are fun. I also learned that 16-year-olds living in the Upper East Side have more money, sex, and better taste in clothes than I do as an adult. See? V important lessons here. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from avoiding human interaction in favor of watching trash television, it’s how to spot a heartthrob. Spoiler: he’s probably blond, in tune with your emotions, and wearing enough hair gel to grease a Slip ‘N Slide. Your high school self swooned over these losers, but now as
someone who has been on Tinder an adult you see things more clearly because more often than not, the self-proclaimed heartthrob is actually the fucking worst. And because I have nothing better to do with my time than to analyze fictional people, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out every TV heartthrob you totally crushed on but who was really Satan disguised as a Tiger Beat cover model.
Side note: if it feels like I’m coming for every show The CW has ever produced that’s because I absolutely am. Now, let’s bring on the
men society deems sexually desirable for young women heartthrobs.
1. Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill
I should have known I would hate Lucas Scott the second they cast Chad Michael Murray to play his character but I was deluded for two or three seasons and actually thought he was a good guy at first. I mean I was, like, 10 when the show first aired so give me a fucking break. My first point of contention with Lucas is that he said “I love you” to legit anyone with two working legs and a vagina. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time Lucas told some emotionally fragile girl that he loved her I would have enough money to fund my own Clothes Over Bros clothing line. And, Lucas, consider yourself lucky that I was not one of those girls because I would have set you on fire if I found you sucking face with Peyton during the school shooting two episodes after professing your love for me. NOPE. Second, if we strip away his good looks and his basketball skills (did he have any?), he’s just a weirdo who writes in a sad, handwritten book. Like, we get it, you’re an artist trying to get laid. Honestly, he’d probs do well on Tinder. His talents were def wasted at Tree Hill.
^100 percent an excerpt from his Tinder bio, also what does this even mean
2. Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Nate. I was into Dan because he was a writer living in Brooklyn and I’ll always have a soft spot for
dudes who are probably unemployed artists, and also Chuck Bass because he looked like he would fuck you up emotionally and I’m here for it. But Nate was just kind of there. He wasn’t particularly misunderstood or a giant piece of shit that kinda turned you on and made you reconsider whether you have daddy issues. He was just a really pretty face. I mean, really pretty. Plus all he ever did was hook up the wrong girl at the wrong time and fuck up everyone’s shit. Whatever. I guess if this were real life I’d totally give his trust fund him a chance.
I, mean, that head nod says it ALL.
3. Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Before there was Lucas Scott there was
the reason I suffer from rage blackouts Dawson and his fucking creek. I never really liked this show, but my best friend was obsessed with Dawson because he was cute, had zero control over his emotions, and was more sensitive than me on my period. In hindsight, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance? Whatever. Dawson was v dramatic and always crying about something and everyone knows I can’t with feelings. If Dawson were a real human he’d be the guy who texts you only in emojis and cries after the first time you have sex. Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me.
4. Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You probs don’t remember Riley because he was
a waste of space Buffy’s college boyfriend and she only made it to, like, sophomore year before she died over the summer and decided not to go back to college when she was resurrected so she could hate-fuck Spike instead. Happens to the best of us, Buff! But Riley was the fucking worst. To this day I will never understand what Buffy saw in him. I mean, he looked like a Dillard’s catalogue model and had the personality of the department store clothing. The only thing interesting that ever happened to him was when he got addicted to vampires biting him and that was really more sad and pathetic than interesting. People loved him because he was human and Buffy had, like, a healthy and mature relationship with him (gross), but I hated him and his fugly turtlenecks with every fiber of my being. He was clearly a rebound after Buffy’s platinum vagine made Angel lose his damn mind and try to destroy the world. And I’m sorry but, Riley, would you risk your soul to be with Buffy? Would you get a soul to be with Buffy? No? Then get in line behind peroxide boy and the reason I have unrealistic expectations of love Angel. BYE.
Do you think YOU have a shot with her? Get outta here!
5. Logan Huntzberger, Gilmore Girls
I kind of hate myself for saying this because if Rory can’t be with Jess then I am 100 percent Team Logan, but Logan kind of sucks. He’s like every rich frat bro I’ve ever dated. One second he’s inviting you on his dad’s boat and the next second he’s taking some no-name freshman to his formal instead of you. Like, what? I have whiplash. I didn’t mind him so much when Rory dated him in college. I, mean, sure he kind of derailed her life and made her contemplate dropping out of college for a minute there, but what college fuckboy hasn’t done that a time or two?? Where he really lost points with me was in the revival. He was hooking up with Rory but also engaged to some other girl and flying Rory out TO LONDON whenever his dick started to get hard and that just did not sit right with me. Like, that shit was cute in college similar to how drinking Natty Lite out of a semi-warm keg and slurping alcohol from a frozen structure was also cute in college. Grow up, kid.
6. Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries was one of my favorite shows in high school because there’s nothing I love more than to turn up on a Thursday and watch an hour of broody vampire teen drama. Clearly I have a lot going on in my life. Clearly. Anyway, it starred Nina Dobrev, aka Degrassi’s 13-year-old-teen-mom-turned-fashion-model Mia Jones, who played boring nice girl Elena and was about the two ridiculously attractive vampires who had nothing better to do with their immortal lives than to fight over some small-town high school girl. Tbh I was all for Stefan for about two episodes. He was the right amount of broody, mysterious, and cocky. And then they brought Damon out, a character who mind-controlled high school cheerleaders into having crazy sex with him but like, you were kinda into it, and you wanted to laugh at Stefan and his overly coiffed hair. The first three seasons Stefan acted like he was hot shit while Elena tried not to eye-fuck his brother at the dinner table. Like, Stefan, you’ve been alive for 200 years, seen the rise and fall of multiple societies, but you can’t see when a girl would rather fuck your brother? Come onnn. Sorry, Stefan, go back to brooding in your fitted tees.
7. Max Evans, Roswell
First, if you haven’t watched Roswell yet, then you absolutely can’t sit with me. That show is the reason I know where Arizona is on a map and also why I pray there’s life on other planets. As long as alien life forms look like Max Evans and Michael Guerin then I will gladly let them invade
my bedroom Earth. Plus it features Katherine Heigl before she became the bitchiest actress in Hollywood and Shiri Appleby before she started ruining people’s lives on UnReal. ANYWAY, Max Evans, a teenage alien with permanent sad eyes and a penchant for cargo pants, was the star of this show and also the resident fuckboy heartthrob. And while many would argue that Max was brooding and mysterious and selfless, I would argue that he was the fucking worst. Season one he was fine, just a little too moody and “I hold the fate of the galaxy in my hands” for my taste but, whatever, he gave Shiri Appleby an orgasm “visions of constellations” (lol) by just, like, breathing on her so I was into it. But then he fucked the new girl in season two and got her pregnant with his alien spawn and it all went downhill from there. I don’t stand for cheaters, even if you were tricked into it by an alien seductress. I was rooting for you, Max. We were all rooting for you!