I could save both you and myself a lot of time by summing this entire Game of Thrones recap up in one statement: what the actual f*ck. To anyone who complained about the lack of gratuitous violence and death in the Battle of Winterfell, this is your fault. I hope you’re happy.
To say “The Bells” was a disappointing lead up to the series finale would be an understatement. While many characters, both beloved and despised, died in last night’s episode of Game of Thrones, the most important death was the character assassination of just about everyone involved.
Daenerys? Spends seven seasons preaching about rescuing the innocent, only to torch an entire city of them even after their leaders had surrendered.
Jon? A wide-eyed idiot whose only real skill is managing to underestimate every single situation he’s ever found himself in.
Arya? Suddenly someone who runs from a fight that she’s spent the last 10 years working toward.
Cersei? Don’t even get me started. That woman has been Villain Number One since day one and she deserved a death that reflected that. Getting torched by Drogon as she stares unwaveringly into Dany’s eyes? That would have worked. Chugging a glass of wine before throwing herself off the keep à la Tommen? Fine. But cowering in the arms of her brother-lover after a failed escape attempt? An insult. Cersei Lannister deserved better.
The entirety of the siege of King’s Landing could have been communicated with a black screen and just scrolling captions that said “She’s the Mad Queen! Dany is bad! Remember how we foreshadowed this?? Also does anyone know where George went?? He’s stopped returning our calls!” It was 45 minutes of gratuitous death and gore, a purposeful move that’s meant to turn the audience against Daenerys so that her death next week will feel like vindication.
But anyway, let’s dive into this mess.
We open back in Dragonstone on Varys, who is writing a letter to an unidentified person about Jon being the true heir to the Iron Throne. He’s interrupted by a young servant girl who reports that Dany isn’t taking meals.
The next morning, Tyrion watches as Varys greets Jon on the shore. The guy doesn’t even manage ten seconds of small talk before diving right into his pitch for Aegon Targaryen, King of Westeros. Jon is not entertained, but to be fair he’s never been entertained by anything so it’s hard to tell at this point.
Jon: I don’t want the throne. Never have.
Varys: Why do people keep saying that like it matters or something?
Varys might have made an impression if he just stuck to logic, but the second he insults Dany’s sanity he loses Jon entirely. Jon drops a steely “she is my queen” before stalking off into the castle.
Tyrion goes straight to Dany and we’re going to address the elephant in the room right off the bat here by saying that our girl does not look good. In fact, she looks downright bad. Not just “I lost my dragon and best friend/hairstylist in one fell swoop” bad. We’re talking “I’ve taken to glaring at the horizon and mumbling about my enemies” bad. They might as well just have hung a plaque around her neck that read “Mad Queen.”
She knows that Jon told Sansa about his lineage, who proceeded to tell the whole world, Tyrion included, who then told Varys, who is now actively campaigning against her. It’s worth nothing that not once during this argument, or any of the ones that follow, does Dany raise her voice. Everything is just a quiet, urgent whisper, which is honestly more disarming than her trademark temper. It’s clear that Varys’ fate is sealed here, only further confirmed by the arrival of Grey Worm at his room later that night. Varys manages to finish burning his letter before he’s escorted out to the cliffs where Dany, Jon, Tyrion, and Drogon are waiting. It’s safe to say that nothing good is about to happen when you’re dragged out of your room to face a dragon in the middle of the night.
Tyrion steps forward in a truly honorable moment to tell Varys that he was the one to rat him out. Varys isn’t shocked—he’s been in the game long enough to know how this goes.
Varys: I hope I’m wrong about all this.
Varys: But I’m not.
Varys: See you all in hell, bitch.
I’m surprised Dany is allowing even the slightest showing of remorse on Tyrion’s part. Empathizing with her enemies feels like something she’d be against even on her best day, and this certainly isn’t anywhere close to that. Instead, she just sentences Varys to die, with no charges or justification to offer.
After torching Varys, Dany heads to the war room with Grey Worm, where she gives him Missandei’s only possession—the shackle she used to wear around her neck. He tosses it into the fire, clearly on Team No Mercy alongside his queen.
Jon shows up and Grey Worm makes a hasty retreat, leaving these two estranged relatives/lovers to sort out some sh*t.
Dany: Sansa basically killed Varys.
Jon: Flawed logic but sure.
Dany goes on a short tirade about the people of Westeros fearing and not loving her, before pivoting and trying to seduce Jon in a way that truly made my skin crawl. He swerves, which confirms for her that she’ll have to rule by fear from here on out, having been slighted by the last person alive who claims to love her.
Later in the throne room, Tyrion is pleading with Dany to not destroy King’s Landing and all the innocent people in it. This argument, which he’ll make many times this episode, falls on deaf ears. Dany is beyond reason and speaking like a true tyrant, claiming that she’ll be saving future generations by cleansing the city now. Tyrion makes a last ditch effort and asks that she at least call off the attack if the city surrenders. She agrees, before sending Grey Worm off to prepare the Unsullied to sail out.
Tyrion: Please tell me you aren’t going to slaughter all the innocent people in King’s Landing who have done nothing to wrong you.
As Tyrion makes his way out, clearly aware of what he’s now dealing with, Dany drops a bomb: Jaime was captured trying to make his way into King’s Landing. This is the second time that Tyrion has been wrong about his siblings’ intentions, and Daenerys makes it clear that it will also be the last time.
Next we cut to King’s Landing where Jon, Tyrion, and the troops are all arriving for battle. Morale is low at best. They’re greeted on the shore by Davos, who Tyrion pulls aside to ask for a smuggling favor. Safe to say that one doesn’t pan out.
Arya and the Hound arrive at the camp at night, looking like they’re ready to singlehandedly take on this battle. If only that were the case.
Arya: I’m Arya Stark and I’m here to kill Cersei.
The Hound: She is the light of my life.
Tyrion sneaks into the tent where Jaime is being kept prisoner, hellbent on saving at least one person in this entire episode.
Tyrion: How did they find you?
Jaime: Turns out not a lot of men have a solid gold hand.
It becomes clear that Jaime has no intention of asking Cersei to surrender, thereby busting the theory I’ve been lecturing people about all week in which Jaime returns only to kill Cersei and then himself. Instead, Tyrion switches tactics and begs Jaime to escape with Cersei so that they can start fresh elsewhere. Not sure where the world-reviled Lannister twins could escape to, but it’s a nice thought. Against all odds, Jaime agrees and the two say goodbye for the final time. It was the closest I came to feeling anything this entire episode.
Tyrion: You were the best family I’ve ever had.
Jaime: Low bar there but I appreciate the sentiment.
At last, the day of the battle has arrived and both sides are prepping across King’s Landing. Euron is arming his many scorpions on his fleet in Blackwater Bay. John, Greyworm, Tyrion, and Davos, followed by the Northerners, the Unsullied, and the five remaining Dothraki are lined up against the Golden Company outside the walls of the city. Inside, soldiers are taking their places as the civilians race to the Red Keep for protection. The gates close before many of them can get in, Jaime included. He spends the next thirty minutes trying to find his way inside a crumbling city. Cersei looks out over King’s Landing, calm as a cucumber. God grant me the serenity of Cersei Lannister when faced with any kind of adversity.
Things kick off swiftly with Dany flying down from the clouds to torch Euron’s entire fleet of ships. The scorpions, which seemed last week to be the end of all dragons, are entirely ineffective. Drogon is out here, pirouetting across the sky, raining fire down on these giant crossbows as if it’s no big thing. Rhaegal is quaking at the bottom of the ocean.
Dany makes quick work of the bay and then turns her attention to the city itself. She blasts through the wall behind the Golden Company, effectively toppling all of them in seconds. Jon, Grey Worm, Davos, and their armies run through the gaping gates while we’re offered expansive shots of the opposing side lying screaming and burning on the ground. There’s a lot of that kind of behavior over the next forty or so minutes.
It becomes quickly apparent that Cersei does not stand a chance. Like, if Dany had rolled in with all three dragons, this episode could have been five minutes long. While she torches the Lannister army from above, the Unsullied wreak havoc below in the streets. It’s not even a contest, which seems weird considering the fact that Team Dany was looking worse for wear not ten minutes earlier.
Cersei is watching from her balcony, slowly realizing that this won’t be the cake walk she anticipated. Qyburn informs her that the scorpions have all been destroyed, that the Golden Company are charred, lifeless husks, and that everything is rapidly going to sh*t.
Dany parks Drogon on a tower just as Jon and company come face to face with the Lannister army. It’s a standoff of sorts, everyone clearly in over their heads. The Lannister forces drop their swords seconds before the bell signaling surrender rings through the city. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “thank God that was quick. Now we can spend the rest of the episode effectively setting up a plot for next week.” Just call me Jon Snow, I guess.
Up on the tower, Dany watches as the city surrenders. For one second you think things are going to be chill before she suffers a clear mental break, lets out a single sob, and then takes off in the direction of the keep.
“Oh, well, she’s just going to kill Cersei,” I thought, “this plan still checks out.” But guess what? She doesn’t do that. She doesn’t even attempt to do that. Cersei is hanging out, entirely unprotected on a very visible balcony on top of the biggest building in the city, and instead of heading for that very viable target Dany flies down to the streets and begins torching civilians and soldiers alike.
This move is clearly a shock to Jon, Davos, Tyrion, the millions of people in King’s Landing, me at home on my couch, and anyone capable of understanding logic, but you know who’s not fazed at all? Grey Worm, who takes it as a signal to keep on keeping on. He charges full force into a crowd of unarmed Lannister soldiers, and the battle is back on.
What follows is forty straight minutes of carnage. It was clearly meant to shock the audience into submission, but I actually just found myself to be bored by the over-the-top gore of it all. I had more of a visceral reaction to Tyrion outing Brienne as a virgin than I did to the people of King’s Landing being incinerated in HD. So instead of attempting to describe the mayhem, let’s just cover the important plot points that took place while the King’s Landing was being dismantled brick by brick.
Jaime & Euron
Jaime finds his way to the outlet Tyrion directed him to, down on the shores of Blackwater Bay, only to be intercepted by Euron, who immediately challenges him to a duel. This entire scene was the most unnecessary sequence of events in an episode made up solely of unnecessary sequences of events. Euron, whose character arc was already weak at best, has been reduced to a man who operates on chaos alone. He managed to survive Drogon’s attack on the water, and instead of making a break for it he just…goads Jaime Lannister into a fight? To what end?
Euron: I had sex with a queen which makes me a king so now if you kill me everyone will be like “Wow Jaime Lannister killed TWO KINGS” wouldn’t that be crazy?
Jaime: …Sir this is an Arby’s.
Jaime gets stabbed twice in the torso before managing to get a killing blow into Euron’s chest. Dark Pacey Witter, the chaotic Jack Sparrow of Winterfell, dies alone on the shores of King’s Landing. His last words are “I am the man who killed Jaime Lannister.” None of it made sense, but it’s so low on the totem pole of things to be mad about that I guess we’ll just move on.
Jon spends the entire siege running around the city, being shocked that Dany is doing exactly what Varys said she would do. He tries to save a few people and stop a few fights, but is ultimately useless.
Dany: * goes insane, burns King’s Landing to the ground, basically follows up on her promise to rule the people of Westeros by fear*
The Hound & Arya
Pre-Mad Queen, the Hound and Arya were strolling through King’s Landing looking like the best pair of assassins you’ve ever seen. But once the city starts crumbling around them, they lose some of their bravado. The two of them make it all the way to the Keep only for the Hound to turn around and urge Arya to escape. You expect her to laugh in his face but then, against all odds and in opposition to everything we know to be true about her, she just…does it?
The girl who killed the Night King makes it to the doorstep of Cersei, the woman she’s vowed to kill since day one, and then goes “Eh, not feeling it anymore.” At this rate, why didn’t she just stay back and marry Gendry? She could be in Winterfell, eating ice cream and watching rom coms with Brienne and Sansa, having sex with her hot, newly-noble fiancé, not having a care in the world. But sure, this route makes sense, too.
Arya thanks the Hound for I don’t know what, then high tails it out onto the streets of King’s Landing, which appear to be just as dangerous as the Keep. The Hound continues up the stairs and comes across Cersei, Qyburn, and the Mountain, making their escape. The brothers lock eyes, and it’s clear that we’re about to get the fight everyone has been asking for. Cersei commands Ser Gregor to stay by her side, and he answers by picking Qyburn up and busting his skull against a rock. Good riddance. She sneaks past them and leaves the two to battle it out.
Jaime & Cersei
In case my rant above wasn’t enough, let me drive my point home by saying that the death of the Lannister twins was the single most disappointing death scene in this entire show. Qyburn went out more heroically than these two incestuous idiots.
After leaving the Cleganes behind, Cersei comes across Jaime in the Keep. She starts sobbing upon seeing him and they stand there and hold each other for far longer than you would expect, given the fact that the ceiling could come down on them at any moment.
They make their way to the dragon dungeon Tyrion once escaped from, only to find that their route has been blocked by a pile of debris. Instead of doing, I don’t know, anything about this situation, Cersei starts sobbing about not wanting their baby to die. Jaime grabs her by the face, tells her that nothing matters but the two of them, and then they died clutching each other as the entire Keep collapses down onto them.
Their death feels like such a throwaway that I am now retroactively Team Cersei. Dying together? Check, we’re all on board for that. Dying cowering and sobbing in each other’s arms? Not my Lannisters.
What happened to Cersei, whose natural response to any danger is gulping wine and arching her eyebrow? Or Jaime, the brave and honorable knight who would rather go down fighting than surrender? Did everyone just forget the last nine years of character development? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
It shouldn’t be surprising by this point when I tell you that Clegane Bowl was entirely underwhelming. The Hound repeatedly stabs his giant zombie of a brother to no avail while the building collapses around them. Once it becomes clear that nothing will stop the Mountain, not even a dagger through the skull, the Hound tackles him and together they crash through what’s left of the wall and they both tumble hundreds of feet to the fiery city below. I would say it’s safe to assume both of them are dead, but it’s not safe to assume anything about this show anymore.
Arya & The Horse
Out on the streets of the city, Arya is not faring well. Despite the fact that she’s clearly won, Dany is still flying around and roasting people while toppling whole city blocks. Everything is debris and ash and fire and death and it’s honestly awful. Arya almost dies a handful of times, only to be saved by a kind woman who later dies by fire for her efforts.
Arya is knocked unconscious and wakes up covered in debris an undetermined amount of time later. While you can still hear screams in the distance, everything is quieter now. There isn’t a living soul in sight except for one immaculate, entirely unharmed white horse. I thought maybe this was a metaphor or a hallucination on Arya’s part, but It was actually just a whole-ass horse. Arya hops on and gallops away as the screen fades to black and for some reason “Old Town Road” isn’t playing in the background. Yet another disappointment to add to the list.
That’s it, folks. That’s the episode.
It seems like the only possible route now is for what’s left of Westeros (aka the Starks) to rise up against Dany. Now that she’s not even feigning sanity anymore, there’s nothing stopping Dany from riding north and torching her last standing opposer: Sansa. If we don’t get a Stark reunion followed by a Baelish-style surprise execution, I will riot.
Sansa up North, sipping a daiquiri and not being burned alive in a battle she didn’t support, carefully crafting her “I told you so” speech for Jon:
MVB: That stupid horse
Pickings were so slim this week that we’re bestowing the coveted title of Most Valuable Betch to the horse that managed to survive the melee on the streets of King’s Landing. With those kind of instincts, it’s probably smarter than Jon—someone please let the horse develop the game plan for next week.
Images: HBO; Giphy (5)
The final season of Game of Thrones is upon us, and I’m sure you’ve all seen plenty of predictions, questionable spoilers, and lame people complaining about how they don’t care. But there’s one issue that hasn’t been getting nearly enough coverage, and it’s time to address the most important Game of Thrones question: which character has the most Big Dick Energy? 2018 was the year of BDE, and honestly, it’s not going anywhere. Whoever wins the iron throne is irrelevant, but whoever has the most BDE…now there’s a reason to bend the knee. Move over Pete Davidson, because winter is coming.
10. Lyanna Mormont
Lyanna doesn’t have a huge role in Game of Thrones, but anytime she is in a scene she is exuding big dick energy. She’s a literal child who rules her house like a boss, and grown-ass men respect the hell out of her. She’s a no-nonsense bitch, and she’s got the BDE to prove it.
9. Tyrion Lannister
It’s been heavily implied that Tyrion is well-endowed, and the energy of his endowment matches the size. He can drink anyone under the table, has a witty comeback to everything, and to put it bluntly: this guy f*cks. Big dick energy for a big dick’d man.
The first thing we learn about Ygritte is that she’s very good at making fun of Jon Snow for being a virgin who can’t murder her. Love that. She also teaches Jon Snow how to eat pussy, for which I deem her a BDE legend. Plus, she brought us the line, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” And for that we are eternally grateful. May Ygritte and her BDE RIP.
7. Lord Varys
Lord Varys may be missing his member, but he has the dick energy of a man with a 12-inch shlong. He always has to tea to spill, and he does so very strategically. He’s a messy bitch who lives for drama, and he’s always playing games. That sh*t takes a lot of energy–big dick energy, that is.
6. The Night King
This dude goes around murdering people for like, no apparent reason? Kind of a dick move, but also a big dick move. Guy gives zero f*cks. Like, he literally came to slay.
5. Just Like, Dragons In General
Dragons can fly, breathe fire, and are generally terrifying and beautiful. This is the big dick energy that Westeros deserves.
4. Daenerys Targaryen
She is the mother of dragons, need I say more? I don’t need to, but I will. Daenerys started out as a servant-bride, who then simultaneously rebirthed herself and three dragons by surviving a fire, and continued to casually gather a massive army of soldiers who have all bent the knee to her as their queen. Swing that big dick energy around, girl.
3. Cersei Lannister
Cersei has two modes: drinking wine while arching her brows, and mercilessly murdering people with a smirk. That makes her a giant bitch with massive dick energy. Sure, she f*cks her brother, but she is also a woman in a man’s world who has managed to rise to the top by outsmarting everyone at every move.
2. Olenna Tyrell
From the moment Olenna Tyrell walked on the scene, talking about cheese in her gorgeous headdress, we all knew we were dealing with a goddamn queen. Pretty much every line she delivered became an instant meme, as she was never not dishing out blunt insults and witty wisdoms. And she did so right up until the iconic moment that she died, when she used her last moments to talk shit about Cersei, and then calmly tell Jamie Lannister that she killed his son, right after he had decided to grant her a painless death via poison. That right there is peak BDE.
1. Arya Stark
Let’s be real, any girl who has a list of names of people to murder has the most big dick energy of all. Her entire life since the series began has been dedicated to seeking revenge via murder, so like, she might be a sociopath, but we know for sure that she is a BDE queen. Remember when she cut up two of Walder Frey’s sons, fed them to him in a pie, slit his throat, carved off his face, and used it to disguise herself as him, and then slaughtered the entire House Frey? Yeah, there isn’t a ruler out there big enough to measure that dick energy.
So these are the official rankings for now, but we’ll be watching carefully throughout Game of Thrones season 8 to see if anything changes. Maybe Jon Snow will suddenly stop being a little bitch, or maybe Dany will do something to really annoy us. Who knows? This sh*t is about to get crazy, and I can’t wait to see it all go down.
Images: HBO, Giphy (10)
This week’s episode of Game of Thrones has been brought to you by revenge, brewing romance, and one woman’s lifelong dedication to fucking up Cersei Lannister. Let’s dive in.
Jon and Davos’ arrival at Dragonstone is, uh, rocky to say the least. They’re met by Tyrion and Missandei the Dothraki, who confiscate their weapons and shut down any notion of small talk during the 100-mile staircase hike to the castle. Tyrion and Jon briefly bond over my favorite topic, how underestimated Sansa is by everyone in this stupid show, before Drogon shows up to flex on his new guests and make things as tense as humanly possible.
Tyrion: Btw I didn’t fuck your sister.
Jon: Did not ask but tight.
Melisandre watches their arrival from the cliffs above, stealing a few longing glances at Jon before Varys catches her. It’s clear that he’s never going to trust her, and idk if it’s because she’s made a lot of shitty decisions over the past seven seasons or if there’s some other beef brewing that we don’t even know about.
She tells Varys to calm the fuck down because she will be leaving for Volantis now that she’s fulfilled her duty of bringing fire and ice together. Sounds ominous but also kind of like the setup for a straight-to-Netflix romantic comedy that I would absolutely watch.
While Varys is more than happy to see her go, Melisandre lets him know that this won’t be the last they see of each other in that special cryptic way that she prefers.
Melisandre: I will return to this land one more time. I have to die in this strange country, just like you.
Varys: “Bye” would have been fine too but okay.
Jon’s arrival to the throne room is less than welcoming. Political tension? Sexual tension? “We might be cousins” tension? All of the above.
Missandei: You stand in the presence Daenerys of the House Targaryen, rightful ruler of the Seven Kingdoms, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.
Davos: Uh, this is Jon. He’s a bastard.
What follows is a pissing contest between two people who need to get over their differences really quick. Dany sets the record straight right off the bat, letting Jon and Davos know that they are either there to bend the knee or they are there to die. Jon reminds her that any oath of featly sworn by their ancestors was likely negated when her Dad started lighting members of his family on fire.
In a move that no one expected, and likely wouldn’t have even happened in a pre-Tyrion era, Dany apologizes for the mad king and asks Jon not to judge her for the sins of her father. Honestly, once all this shit is done, everyone in this show should just get that tattooed across their chests.
Dany: I am the last Targaryen.
Jon guesses that Dany hasn’t attacked King’s Landing yet because she doesn’t want to kill thousands of innocents, which earns him some points in her book. Points which he immediately loses when he goes on to say that all of them fighting in the Game of Thrones are sniveling children who need to come together and recognize their one true enemy: the goddamn frozen zombies that are inching ever closer. She’s just about as receptive to this news as you’d imagine.
Dany: A lot of shitty men have tried to stop me from ruling the Seven Kingdoms. You know what they all have in common?
Dany: They’re dead.
Jon: Should have seen that one coming.
Davos finally hops into the ring, going to bat for Jon and listing off his accomplishments like a proud pageant mom. His point is fair: that, much like Daenerys, Jon earned his position not because of his birthright, but because he inspired the people. Also coming back to life that one time probably didn’t hurt, but it looks like Jon is trying to keep that little detail a secret for now. Saving resurrection for a last-ditch bargaining chip, I guess.
Davos: You have dragons but have you been stabbed in the heart by a traitorous child.
Jon: Minor point, moving on.
The conversation ends there, with neither side agreeing to recognize the other’s rule, when Varys arrives with some bad news. Jon and Davos are sent away before they can hear that almost Dany’s entire ally fleet was taken over by Euron, leaving most of them dead. Looks like she might be in the market for some new friends after all.
Dany: Are they all dead?
Theon, hundreds of miles away: When will someone just let me die.
Hundreds of miles away, Theon gets plucked up out of the ocean by one of the few surviving Greyjoy fleets and, shocker, no one is happy to see him. It’s obvious that his still being alive means he had to have abandoned his sister and their men and it would appear that the only thing people from the Iron Islands like less than cowardice is bathing.
In the streets of King’s Landing, Euron is receiving a hero’s welcome as he marches through the city with Ellaria, Yara, and the last living Sand Snake tied to the back of his horse.
Euron: Can you believe what a twat Theon is?
Yara: I hate you but also it’s kind of hard to disagree with you in this moment.
Euron marches them all the way to Cersei’s throne room, where the Mountain Zombie and a room full of noblemen are waiting. It looks like Euron will actually deliver on his promise of an engagementworthy gift.
Cersei is so moved by Euron’s feat that she promises him what his heart desires…but not until the war is won. She also declares him leader of their navy and a friend of the Lannisters. In this moment, Yara and Jaime are on the same side, glaring daggers at Dark Captain Pacey Witter as he struts around to the applause of all the Lords in King’s Landing. Does Euron suck? For sure. But is it fun to watch him taunt Jaime about fucking his sister? You bet.
Euron: Brother to brother, how much of a freak is Cersei in the bedroom.
Jaime: I will stick my entire gold hand up your ass before this war is over, I promise you that.
Things aren’t looking good for Ellaria, who is now locked in a dungeon with Sir Gregor the Zombie while Cersei fondly remembers the time he crushed Oberyn’s skull with his bare hands. In a rare moment of vulnerability, Cersei drops her guard and asks Ellaria why she took her only daughter. It would have been a touching moment if she hadn’t followed it up by listing all the horrifying ways she thought about murdering Ellaria’s last child.
Cersei: I lie in bed and dream about ways of murdering my enemies
The whole world: * not surprised *
Instead of going for something dramatic and gruesome, Cersei settles for a super poetic poisoned kiss for the last Sand Snake, the same way Myrcella was murdered. Then she leaves Ellaria chained up opposite her daughter so that she can watch her die and then inevitably rot. The woman has not lost her touch.
Clearly this kind of ruthless act of violence puts Cersei in the mood, because she immediately leaves the cell to go fuck her brother. Did anyone else kind of forget that they did that? Just me? Cool. In case it wasn’t clear that she had completely stopped giving a single fuck about what anyone thought, Cersei answers the door to their room in a robe, with her brother lounging naked in bed behind her. Jaime has the decency to be embarrassed. Cersei, however, is glowing.
Servant: Your visitor from Braavos is here.
Cersei: Cool but I need new sheets. These ones are freshly covered in twin sex.
Cersei’s visitor is a representative of the Iron Bank, who is here to talk about Lannister debt and funding the winning side of the war.
Cersei: I have a bunch of wooden ships.
Banker: Yeah but the other side has got fucking dragons. DRAGONS.
Cersei promises the bank that their debt, as well as this war, will be solved in two weeks’ time. I love the confidence, but that’s a wild statement considering it takes a raven two weeks to get a letter anywhere in this country.
CLIFFSIDE BROODING, CONTINUED
Back at Dragonstone, Jon has sought solace in the one thing that brings him joy: dramatic pouting. Actual footage of him after his first interaction with Dany:
Tyrion: I came down here to brood but it appears you’re doing enough of that for the both of us
Jon: It’s my passion
Tyrion seeks Jon out to tell him that he believes the whole White Walker but, but that doesn’t necessarily matter because humans are really bad at dealing with issues that big when they could be petty instead.
Jon: I’m starting to think Sansa was right about coming down here. I’m just a Northern fool.
Sansa, a thousand miles away: I knew it.
Tyrion insists that Jon and Daenerys have more in common than he thinks and that staying and getting to know her would behoove all of them. Convincing people who know and trust him about the White Walkers was a battle, so why would someone who’s met him once be quicker to believe? It looks like Jon agrees, and in return asks Tyrion to help out his Dragonglass situation.
Tyrion: Jon wants to mine glass on our island to fight his zombies.
Dany: Honestly, what the fuck is up with this guy.
Tyrion urges Dany to let Jon mine the dragonglass as a show of trust and to keep Jon busy while they sort out their ally problem. She’s more occupied with that whole part where he took a dagger to the heart, but no one seems to have an answer for her on that front.
At last we’re gifted with the scene that we’ve all been waiting for: a one-on-one between Jon and Danaerys. The two come to what appears to be an uneasy truce. Dany admits that, considering she owns three pets that everyone thought were extinct, it’s likely that other unbelievable things could happen. Neither swears fealty to the other, but they also don’t declare war.
I get that this is a super important moment that thousands of internet theories and fan fiction pieces have hinged on, but all I can see is the classic “from enemies to lover” trope unfolding before our very eyes. Had a Temper Trap song been playing in the background, it could have been a romcomworthy montage of quick banter and lingering stares. The gist: everyone can bitch about incest all they want, but I see sparks.
Back in the war room, Dany tries to volunteer to fly her dragons directly to Euron’s fleet and reign literal fiery hell down upon them. No one is into that plan, which is probably good because none of them knew that his fleet was headed straight to Casterly Rock to help the Lannisters.
While Tyrion narrates the endless advantages of Casterly Rock, the siege begins. Tywin may have built his home to be impenetrable, he didn’t build the sewer system. Tyrion did. With this news, Greyworm sneaks inside Casterly Rock and lets the Unsullied army in.
While they are outnumbered and out-gunned, the Unsullied are unmatched in their dedication to their Queen. Greyworm and his forces did what all thought impossible: They took Casterly Rock. It could have been a victorious moment, if not for the fact they were only able to do so because Jaime took the majority of his army to Highgarden.
The Tyrell forces were no match for the Lannisters, which we all kind of expected. The Tyrell’s are made up of whip smart women and worthless men, which should honestly be their house motto at this point.
Olenna: Did we fight well?
Jaime: I mean, as well as you could.
Olenna: We’ve always been a bunch of pansies.
Jaime and Olenna’s cute little parley is one of my favorite parts about both of these characters: their ability to show civility in the face of war. Well, as civil as you can possibly be while using your remaining living minutes to talk shit on your captor’s sister/lover.
Olenna: You know she’s batshit crazy right?
Jaime: Yeah I’m acutely aware.
In the end, despite his questionable loyalties, Jaime shows Olenna mercy in her time of death. Rather than letting Cersei flay her and hang her from the walls of King’s Landing, he offers her some painless poison. She downs it and uses her last words to let Jaime know that she was the one who killed Joffrey. That sound you hear is the whole fucking world screaming.
Olenna: I murdered Joffrey. Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.
While Jon is living out his best life in Dragonstone, Sansa is spending the beginning of her rule in a shockingly responsible way: stocking up on food for the winter and ensuring the safety of her people. Groundbreaking stuff. Naturally, Petyr is following her every step and sniffing her hair whenever he gets the chance.
Baelish: I know Cersei better than anyone here.
Sansa: You know nothing better than anyone here.
He offers Sansa some creepy guidance about not trusting anyone, as if this is fucking news. No shit. This girl hasn’t been able to trust anything in about six years, but thanks for the advice. Luckily, their chat is cut short by yet another Stark reunion. I mean, not the one we wanted, but it’ll do.
Bran rides into the gates of Winterfell and he couldn’t possibly look less impressed. I get that the kid has seen some shit, but idk, maybe smile at your long-lost sister for half a second before you dive into the horrors of your life?
Sansa: You’re the Lord of Winterfell, Bran.
Bran: Nah, I’m the three-eyed raven.
Sansa: Cool so you’re weird now, too.
Sansa, much like the rest of us, is having a hard time grasping what exactly Bran is supposed to be doing here. His explanation of his role as the Three-Eyed Raven isn’t the most conclusive and she seems skeptical about this ability to see everything. Instead of, I don’t know, using more than two cryptic sentences to explain what’s happened to him, he starts talking about how beautiful she looked on her wedding day. The one that he wasn’t present for.
Sufficiently creeped out, Sansa leaves Bran to brood by the Weirwood. To be fair, someone has to do it while Jon is gone.
After what had to be the longest, most painful exfoliation process of all time, it looks like Sam might have actually saved Jorah. While neither of them tell the Archmaester what they did, he catches on anyway. Probably because people don’t just up and heal themselves from Grayscale.
Instead of getting expelled for disobeying a direct order, the Archmaester is actually proud of Sam. I’m sure it was a weird sensation for him, as it’s likely the first time in his life a paternal figure has ever shown him anything but disgust. Sam’s heroic act is then rewarded by being forced to transcribe a bunch of old scrolls. Even when he wins, he can’t really win.
Now a free man, we can all expect Jorah to be back at Dany’s side by sundown. If one man’s devotion could power an army, the White Walkers wouldn’t even stand a chance.
MVB: Olenna Tyrell
After ruling for God knows how many years as the Shade Queen of Winterfell, Olenna retires her throne and uses her last words to deliver news that will emotionally destroy her greatest enemy. May we all one day find the power to be able to topple men in two sentences or less.
By now, you’ve probably figured out that this weekend is the season premiere of Game of Thrones. Whether one of your roommates is randomly obsessed with it or you’ve been pretending to care so your hookup thinks you’re cool, the time has come once again for you to pretend you give a fuck about dragons and horses and shit. It will be unavoidable, and you will hate your life. Here’s what you need to do so you don’t feel like an absolute idiot for the next ten weeks, apart from just buckling down and binge-watching all the episodes in one night.
1. Read The Wikipedia Page
Learn some of the characters. Not like all of them, oh God no, but just a few that you could throw into a conversation if you really get cornered. Daenerys is the badass chick with the dragons, and Tyrion is the really short guy. Cersei was hot but she got a fugly haircut, so we don’t love her as much anymore. Jon Snow is hot and came back to life. Sansa is annoying AF. Got it? You’re doing amazing sweetie.
2. Prepare Another Topic Of Conversation
Naming a couple characters is useful, but don’t be afraid to change the topic if you get in over your head. For example, there is never a wrong time to talk about Beyoncé’s twins, and your coworkers will no doubt have plenty to say about her name choices. Other safe topics include sports (if you’re into that kind of thing), Russia, and The Bachelorette. Who cares about dragons? Let’s talk about Dean’s favorite kind of dinosaur!!
3. Distract Yourself
That should cover things when people are talking about the show, but what if someone makes you actually watch it? If you have to go to a watch party you should be okay, just because the other people there will have their eyes glued to the screen so you can text in peace. If someone makes you watch an episode one-on-one, pick a couple songs you really like so you can just play them over and over in your head. It’s practically like going to therapy, you’ll love it.
4. Prepare Your Excuses
This brings us to the most important thing: if someone finds out that you don’t watch GoT, you must have a solid excuse ready to go. Here’s our recommendation: “I realllllly want to watch it, I just want to give it the time and attention it deserves, and I haven’t gotten around to it yet.” That way, you’re not making it sound like you don’t want to watch it, you’re just saying that you were too busy in the last six years to literally find any time. Sounds right.
So stay strong this weekend betches, and don’t let anyone peer pressure you into watching a show that makes you want to carve out your eyeballs with a large sword. We’ll get through this together.