As I sit in my flannel, jeans, and black ankle boots, I can happily confirm that the fall season is upon us. True, it’s still mid-70s and I’m only dressed this way because there was a tick advisory for my workplace today (working in TV is all glamour, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise). But I’m sure we can all agree that it feels like fall. In other words, it’s time to curl up in front of your TV and forget the words “crop top” for another nine months. While you probably spent all summer bingeing Office reruns (same), fall is the time for new, highly anticipated TV. In order of when they come out, here are the new and returning TV shows that will dominate your life for the next few months. Please set your DVR accordingly.

‘You’ – September 9, Lifetime

I should qualify at the start of this list that not every show will be what’s traditionally considered “good.” For example, most of the dialogue in this particular show makes me want to throw myself through a window. But like, in the BEST way. This show is about Penn Badgley playing a stalker freak who becomes obsessed with a slightly vapid blond and immediately starts doing psycho sh*t like writing about her on an anonymous website breaking into her apartment and messing with her life. So basically, a dark yet accurate glimpse into Dan’s future. (Extremely self-aware of Penn Badgley to take this role.) This is my new favorite guilty pleasure show, and if you’re a fan of Lifetime at all, I can’t recommend it enough.

The first of many red flags he displays in this show:

‘Maniac’ – September 21, Netflix

Okay so polar opposite of the last show, but also about mental health. Can’t imagine why that’s trendy right now when we have such a stable genius in the White House! Anyway. This whole season dropped on 9/21, and it stars Jonah Hill and Emma Stone. Even in this ~Golden Age~ of television, that’s a pretty high-end cast. I won’t tell you much about the plot beyond the fact that they both have a sh*t-ton of baggage and sign up for a pharmaceutical trial. The plot is less important than the vibe, which so far is like every episode of Black Mirror smushed into one world. This show is good for an all-day binge when you’re up for actually thinking about what you’re watching. Invite over your artiest friend so they force you to pay attention through the first 3 episodes, it’s kind of slow to start up.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ – September 24, ABC

Have I ever watched this show before? No, and I probably won’t again. But who could resist seeing Grocery Store Joe flit across the stage! I give you permission to stop watching as soon as he’s cut.

‘This Is Us’ – September 25, NBC

You all know what this one is for. This is the show you come to when you need a really good cry, or when you want to ignore all your problems and pretend Mandy Moore is your mom for a while. Also, to get your weekly Sterling K. Brown fix, which is right up there in terms of importance with drinking water and getting enough sleep. It’s just a fact of life. This season, we’re going back to Jack and Rebecca’s first date—and Randall’s daughter, Tess, all grown up. Few things are as pure as my love for this show.

Anyone else need to watch this on repeat to cleanse from this week’s news cycle?

‘Modern Family’ – September 26, ABC

Did we all kind of get over Modern Family five years ago when it won every award? Yeah, maybe. But this is likely the final season, and they’ve been teasing a “significant death,” so I’m planning on riding out the show until the end. It’s the least you can do for something that gave you a few good years, like when you loyally wear your favorite black leggings until they’re completely sheer in the crotch. Watch out of loyalty, watch because Phil is still funny AF, or watch because you’re hungover and it comes on next on Hulu. Up to you.

‘The Good Place’ – September 27, NBC

Very few shows like The Good Place have come around in the past few years, and I’m deeply grateful when they do. It’s from the creator of Parks & Rec, and has the same soothing effect of all your fave 25-minute comedies. Kristen Bell has spent the first two seasons figuring out that she’s in (SPOILERS) Hell, aka the Bad Place. Season 3 opens up with her and her 3 companions having been redeposited on Earth to give things another try. Will they f*ck it up in a largely similar way to the first time? Probably, their memories were erased so IDK why they wouldn’t. But it’ll be fun to watch them try to fight their baser instincts for a while.

‘How To Get Away With Murder’ – September 27, ABC

This is another show that’s sadly nowhere near as good as it used to be. But at its best it was so iconic that I still can’t look away. No matter how ridiculous the rest of it gets, Annalise is still the epitome of boss b*tch goals, and Laurel still has an annoyingly good lingerie collection for someone with such a terrible personality.

‘Riverdale’ – October 10, CW

Of course the show I’m most excited for doesn’t come back until October 10th. OF COURSE. Season 3 of Riverdale is about to be f*cking lit. We’re dealing with the aftermath of Archie’s arrest, an all-out war with Hiram, more screen time for Cheryl and Toni, and some weird cult stuff with Betty’s sister. The promo shows Archie shirtless, more milkshakes at Pop’s, and what appears to be a ritual sacrifice of two babies. Exactly what you’d expect and get more than you dared hope, in classic Riverdale fashion. And obviously we’ll be recapping it.

Me all season:

The best part of these fall shows? Since they’re all newly released, you’re basically engaging in a cultural activity with every binge. Some people go to museums; you binge artful new storytelling techniques. Or at least that’s what you’ll tell yourself as you order Seamless the sixth time that week. Happy watching!

Images: The CW; Giphy (4)

Not gonna lie, it’s been one giant shit show of a week for me, and literally, the only thing keeping me going rn is the hope that Cheryl might get more than three minutes of screen time on tonight’s episode of Riverdale. I’m realizing now that maybe I should dream bigger. CW, you’ve been warned. Anyway, shall we get started?

Well, fam, I did not think that 20 seconds into this recap I’d go into a full-on rage blackout, but here we are, because WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I LOOKING AT RN? DID JUGHEAD AND TONI FUCKING SLEEP TOGETHER??? Did they?? Toni, you little serpent slut. Seriously wishing a fate worse than those hair extensions upon her.

Meanwhile Betty—poor, innocent, still-has-her-hymen Betty—goes to check on Chuck Bass Nick St. Clair and he’s… absolutely fine. Did she or did she not say, “Fry him,” to The Black Hood last episode? I’m v confused. What kind of mind games is The Hood playing here?? I was fully prepared to see some fuckboy carnage tonight, and you’re telling me that now the mass murderer isn’t pulling through? Men, you can’t trust them.

The Hood says Nick doesn’t count as an actual sacrifice because he’s not technically from Riverdale, and I’m really starting to think The Hood might actually be my ex-boyfriend, because he was also into technicalities. Like technically, it’s not cheating if we were on a break my back was turned for 2.5 seconds.

Mrs. Blossom sabotages Cheryl’s attempted rape complaint, and it’s the most fucked up thing I’ve seen on this show since two sets of parents didn’t tell their children that they were related to the person they were sleeping with. Mrs. B must still be salty about Cheryl setting their entire house on fire.

VERONICA: How are you doing?

CHERYL: I’m fine.

ALSO CHERYL:

God, anytime Toni’s face comes on the screen it just reminds me that I’m not allowed to have nice things in this world. Like an unhealthy obsession with two fictional characters and their relationship Bughead. Toni says her romantic night with Jughead was actually more of a “PG-13 grope fest,” which sounds a little like the game of “just the tip,” but ya know, to each their own.

Betty is such a fucking narc. I can’t believe she got parents involved after that wild party. Aside from the Jingle Jangle, the only thing criminal happening there was Archie and his dance moves. I don’t blame Veronica for playing the “did you hear something, Archie? Because all I hear is a SKANK” card every time Betty spoke.

Okay WHAT is Jingle Jangle?? It’s still unclear. Is it ecstasy? Heroin? Why does it stay in your system for three to four days after consumption other than for convenient plot purposes for the Riverdale writers? These are the questions I have.

Archie warns Jughead about Mayor McCoy raiding South Side High. He keeps telling Jughead he needs to GTFO before the cops come and it’s like, does Archie know this is not how raids work? Like, Jughead can’t just go to jail for having shitty taste in hats.

Betty gets another call from The Hood, and he wants her to track down a drug dealer called “The Sugar Man” who is known for taking kids to his candy shop and letting them lick the lollipop. I paraphrase.

THE HOOD: If you want me to stop calling, all you have to do is track down a drug lord that Riverdale PD hasn’t been able to catch for 20+ years.

BETTY: I’m literally a high school sophomore who runs the school newspaper. That’s it.

Okay, Cheryl looks like an actual queen in that one piece, despite the fact that there’s no way that getup can be seasonally appropriate. Betty spends all of two seconds pretending to give a shit about Cheryl’s almost sexual assault before she’s like, “Ever heard of The Sugar Man??” For God’s sake Betty, have some fucking tact.

Oh, OF COURSE The Sugar Man is a scary bedtime story Cheryl’s parents told her. These are the same people who have a weird redhead fetish and encouraged a twincest-esque relationship between their kids. It’s all starting to make sense now.

So I guess The Serpents are really are as dumb as those cut-off jean vests alluded to. Good to know. They decide to team up with their rival gang, The Ghoulies, even though they’re pushing Jingle Jangle to all the kids.

JUGHEAD: He’s a pusher! He pushes people!

Meanwhile, Cheryl discovers The Sugar Man in the creepiest child’s drawing I’ve ever seen. Though I’m not at all surprised this drawing is an artifact from her childhood. Her parents are right up there with the DiLaurentis’ as far as creep levels go.

Betty finally does something smart and tells Veronica about her booty call The Black Hood and his insane demands. Veronica gives advice that would be more appropriate if Betty was actually talking about her psycho ex. Typical. Veronica is like, “He only calls you late at night and he doesn’t respond to your texts for days? Girl I’ve been there,” and it’s like, Veronica, you do realize we’re talking about a mass murderer here right?

YASSSS. DADDY IS HOME. It’s been far too long since I’ve seen any signs of my favorite DILF FP Jones, and I could not be more pleased.

Is FP’s advice to solve a GANG WAR AND POTENTIAL DRUG EPIDEMIC really to challenge The Ghoulies to an illegal street race? Really?? I know this worked when the T-Birds faced off against The Scorpions, but I have a feeling that was more of an anomaly than an actual rule of thumb when it comes to finding solutions for these type of situations. All I know is that if The Pussycats don’t do a rendition of “Greased Lightning,” then this is a missed opportunity on The CW’s part, tbh.

Lol at Jughead trying to intimidate this man in a bathrobe with Archie as his backup. Also, Archie, you haven’t played football since the pilot; I think you can retire your letterman jacket at least at the gang meetings.

And of course, the drug dealers find Betty and Veronica sneaking around the premises. Did these thugs just refer to Betty and Veronica as Jughead and Archie’s “bitches?” I’m starting to think the writers of Riverdale are getting their dialogue from early 00’s hip-hop.

Elsewhere, Cheryl spots Nick and his paisley tie at Pop’s, and I sincerely hope she treats him with the same respect she treated all of her earthly belongings at the end of season one. That’s literally all I ask for.

Wow, Mrs. Blossom is an actual bitch for paying off her daughter’s would-be rapist. Like, I know she burned down your home of 20 years and threatened you when you were in the burn unit, but that’s no excuse.

Is this the first time Betty is seeing Jughead since the breakup? I wouldn’t have picked those butchy looking overalls for the occasion, but okay. Also, lol that she’s suddenly a mechanic who knows how to rebuild an engine.

Veronica finally tells her parents about the whole Nick thing, and I have mixed feelings about it. Like, this boy is definitely going to end up dead now, right? But also, he’s a would-be rapist, so I’m also here for it? Man, Riverdale is really forcing me to ask the hard questions in life, huh?

The drag race starts, and it is extra. I didn’t realize that the secret to good gang relations was reenacting classic musicals, but you learn something new every day.

KEVIN: Not the type of drag race I thought I’d go to, but the guys here are much hotter.

Kevin is me. I am Kevin.

Betty is acting like a manipulative bitch, telling Jughead she still loves him before he’s about to illegally drag race for the fate of Riverdale. I’m sure that won’t distract him at all. I’ve never been prouder of her.

Quote of The Episode: “Not today, Cha Cha. I was born for this moment.”

^^^This moment was brought to you by me and my continued threats to The CW to properly utilize Cheryl Blossom’s character. I’ll be accepting praise in the comments section, thx.

Jesus Christ, Archie, you had one fucking job. To sit there and look pretty be Jughead’s number two and follow his lead, and you couldn’t even do that right.

The Ghoulies get arrested for street racing, and it’s all Archie’s fault. Surprise, surprise. Jughead is pissed, and honestly, it’s his own fault for trusting that dumb, beautiful face with the important job of doing absolutely nothing.

Cheryl finally shakes down her mother enough to figure out who the Sugar Man is, and if the town of Riverdale is anything like the real world, then he will most certainly be a white man in power. Looking at you, Sheriff Keller.

Wait, I am LIVING for this version of Betty talking to The Black Hood rn. She’s like, “Do you feel me now? I’m breathing down your neck, bitch, and you’re next.”

BETTY: 

ME:

The Sugar Man is South Side High’s English teacher?? That actually makes a lot of sense, if only because teachers are poor and need a side hustle.

Okay, Fred is going to have a pill addiction this season, I’m calling it now. I can’t wait for Archie to use this as an excuse to build a shirtless militia against doctors and prescription drugs. Should be lit.

The Lodges arrange for the St. Clairs to get into a car accident, and Veronica is just like, “Oh well.” If this is the start of Dark Veronica, then I am here for it.

Wait, are Betty and Jughead back together? Did The CW just cheat me out of an emotional reunion and a possible dry humping session on Jughead’s kitchen counter? DID THEY? Once again, I’m livid. 

I’m going to skip all the bullshit this recap and head straight to the good stuff, but first, just know that The CW still very much so has a permanent place in my personal burn book for their blatant discrimination against people who don’t have cable subscriptions and also avid Cheryl fans. The fact that she’s had all of seven minutes of screen time this entire season and I haven’t heard her call anyone a hobo in at least three episodes is absolutely criminal. FOR SHAME. Anyway, shall we get on with the recap now?

We left off with Betty getting a late-night send nudes phone call from The Black Hood, and is it just me or does Betty seem a little bit like a psychopath this season? Like, why is she so calm about the fact that she has a serial killer on speed dial like he’s my the Domino’s delivery guy? It’s v unsettling.

Surprise, surprise, The Black Hood threatens Polly. Who could have predicted that?

Archie finally apologizes to his dad for his sexually-charged fight club the Red Circle, and Fred is looking at him like, “Damn I’m a good parent.” And like, no Fred, you aren’t. Archie didn’t come to this conclusion from your half-assed father-son talk. No, he only came to this conclusion because one of his friends got stabbed. STABBED. First you let him bang his music teacher, then you let him run rampant with his little homegrown militia that has a name that sounds like a new feminine hygiene line—get your house in order, Freddy!

Betty texts Archie to walk her to school because even though The Black Hood specifically told her to not tell anyone about his phone call, she’s going to tell Archie, the dude who put him on blast last episode. What could go wrong?

Meanwhile, Archie is looking at his phone like Betty just sent him a nude.

^^Actual footage of Archie looking at Betty’s text

I swear to god, if he opens with a, “Do you ever think about us?,” I will lose my fucking mind not be surprised at all, because this is the world we live in.

BETTY: The Black Hood called me last night.

ARCHIE: *crickets*

BETTY: *takes deep, calming breaths* Okay, let me explain this using smaller words…

Veronica gets her first assignment as Co-CEO of Lodge Enterprises, and it’s to seduce the client’s son. I’m interested to see how far she’ll go to prove her daddy issues loyalty to the company.

Meanwhile, Jughead confronts The Serpents about the choreographed dance sequence fight they got into with Archie and his Red Circle. Archie gave Sweet Pea a black eye, so naturally, he’s retaliating with a pipe bomb. So casual.

Lol, Jughead, wtf are you wearing? Like, we get it, you’re joining The Serpents. Don’t be so extra with your “S” monogrammed T-shirts though.

Betty gets another call from The Black Hood, and this guy is starting to be worse than my ex-boyfriend with the random, mysterious calls. She has to prove she’s loyal to him by blackmailing her mother, which Betty does, like, every other episode anyway, so this should be a breeze for her.

Jughead also gets his first task as a pledge Serpent-in-training, and it’s fucking terrifying: dog watching.

The face of terror. Also, if this is what happens during gang initiations, can I join one? I’ll get my jean-on-jean ensemble ready.

Omg, Veronica’s ex is delicious. He kind of looks like one of those preppy bros who’d roofie your drink, but still.

Okay, I can’t take The Serpents gang initiation seriously. It’s like a frat party but with more leather and facial hair. Also, it’s v impressive that Jughead didn’t even need flashcards to memorize all six of the Serpent laws! He must have stayed up all night studying. 

What is happening on my screen rn? Why did Veronica bring Nick and Archie into her bedroom? Because this looks like the world’s most awkward threesome. Also, who calls cocaine “dessert”? Clearly the same person who wrote that line of dialogue also encouraged the writers to name a drug “Jingle Jangle.”

Archie is looking at Veronica like he’s disgusted by her and her past, and I’m just like, do not even get me fucking started, Archie, about you and your past. You were literally running around shirtless last episode, starting riots in the street. Sit down.

Lol, that Betty’s ringtone for The Black Hood is “Lollipop.”

Betty finally gets to ask The Black Hood a question, after outing her mother to the entire town of Riverdale as a former Serpent (shocking btw), and it’s not, “Why are you so obsessed with me?”, which feels like a missed opportunity, tbh. Instead, she asks him if she would recognize the “face under the hood,” and he says she would. Brb, now that that’s confirmed I’m just going to add some names to my Riverdale murder board.

The Hood also mentions that he wants Betty to start cutting people out of her life, and like, if she needs any tips, I can just tell her what I do every Friday night. Works like a charm.

Well thank fucking god, Cheryl is finally back. Honestly, The CW deserves more jail time than FP Jones for the crime of sidelining Cheryl Blossom all damn season. #JusticeForCheryl.

Nick decides to host a party in his penthouse suite, because aside from mass murderers running around town, gang wars, and a drug epidemic that sounds like something I’d hand out to trick or treaters, he thinks Riverdale is v boring.

NICK: Archie, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re an epic buzzkill.

PREACH, NICK, PREACH.

All the kids are getting hopped up on Jingle Janglem and I still can’t believe the Riverdale writers went with this name. Like, how am I supposed to take this seriously as a dangerous drug? HOW? You know what sounds like it will kill you? Heroin. Meth. Crack. You know what sounds like something people give out as party favors at kids’ birthday parties? Jingle Jangle.

I can tell The Black Hood really has Betty frazzled because she’s rocking that low ponytail. The distress is obvious. 

Toni warns Jughead that if he joins The Serpents, he’ll lose Betty, and I’m just like, is that a threat bitch?? DO YOU WANT TO GO?

The Black Hood wants Betty to dump Jughead, and at this point, I’m 90 percent sure the guy under the hood is Toni. That manipulative bitch.

If The CW thought they were on my list before, just fucking wait for the tweetstorm that’s about to head their way.

Because Betty is a psycho, she wants Archie to break up with Jughead for her. Nevermind that Archie can barely be trusted to tie his shoes without fucking it up, but sure, let’s trust him with the fate of your relationship.

OH MY GOD. MRS COOPER. I don’t know what we should talk about first. The romper she borrowed from Blac Chyna’s closet, the Mariah Carey, pure gold, chunky belt, or the giant serpent necklace hanging in her over exposed cleavage?

Oh Jesus Christ. Remember when Betty said, “It doesn’t have to be cruel,” and then Archie made the breakup really fucking cruel. YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB.

GUYS. BUGHEAD IS BREAKING UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I’m watching Jughead’s face as he listens to Archie spout some bullshit about how Betty doesn’t love him anymore, and I’m not crying, you’re crying.

^^A reenactment of what my roommate just walked in on me doing in my living room

Did Nick just roofie Cheryl? My Cheryl?! Just to be clear, CW, this was not what I had in mind when I asked for more Cheryl screen time. Also, I totally called that. Looks like Nick is taking a page out of Chuck Bass’ disgusting handbook.

Honestly, I would not mess with Cheryl Blossom. This girl set her entire life on fire just to prove a point and then had the nerve to threaten her burn victim mother while she was still in the ICU. You’re done for, Nicki.

Also, only Riverdale would use a Broadway show tune to accompany date rapes and gang initiations.

Watching Veronica and The Pussycats beat the shit out of a date rapist is giving me life rn. Like seriously, 2017 is better for this whole fucking scene.

Meanwhile, after spending the evening being Sweet Pea’s personal punching bag, Jughead is officially a Serpent. What an ego boost this must have been for Sweet Pea. I still want to pinch your cheeks, though.

I guess Betty figures she has literally nothing left to live for, because she goes to an abandoned house in the middle of the night to find out who The Black Hood is. I would say this is how girls end up dead, but Betty has all the foresight of a goldfish, so I won’t waste my breath.

The Black Hood continues to play mind games by making Betty actually put the mask on and then take a long, hard look at herself in the mirror. Honestly, that last part alone is fucking terrifying. Wouldn’t wish it on my greatest enemy. 

This whole scene is straight out of an episode of Criminal Minds, and I am loving every second of it. So fucked up. *turns up volume*

Sidenote: I really feel now is the time for Betty to go to the authorities. Are Polly and her future circus act twins really worth all of this? Are they really worth my your relationship with Jughead??

Oh my fucking god. TONI, JUGHEAD HAS BEEN SINGLE FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS. BACK OFF. And how could Jughead do this to me Betty? The fact that she sent Archie over to break up with him should have been a pretty damn clear indicator that she’s under duress.

RIVERDALE:

ME:

I’m just having a lot of feelings rn, and one of those feelings is to burn The CW to the ground. Feel me?

As if things couldn’t get any worse, The Black Hood demands that Betty pick someone for him to kill. After about 1.5 seconds of protest she names Nick St. Clair as a sinner. And it’s like, damn Betty, that was far too easy for you, huh?

All I can say is, if the killer continues to go by Betty’s burn book for his hit list, then I can’t wait for him to get to Toni’s entry. 

Well, we did it fam. We made it to season two of Riverdale, and I’ve only been counting down the minutes since last April. Nbd. On a completely unrelated note, I’ve also spent that much time trying to live stream The CW without having to forfeit my entire paycheck for a cable subscription. Spoiler alert: I still don’t have cable, but I did willingly download viruses to my computer in the name of watching this shit live (in a v illegal manner I might add) so you betches can get your recap relatively on time. You’re welcome. Anyways, back to the recap. If you’ll recall, last season was fucking insane: Mr. Blossom murdered Jason, resident DILF FP Jones is in prison, Cheryl burned her literal life to the ground, and there was a shooting at Pop’s Diner where not one, but TWO adult snacks main characters were present. I’m still high off fumes from Cheryl setting everything she loves aflame, so I’m really fucking ready for this season to start. Let’s get started, shall we?

The episode starts right where we left off last season: with the diner shooting. The whole scene is v chaotic. Archie is in a state of utter panic looks like me after a night of binge drinking, waking up to realize I texted, “miss you,” to some random dude I met on Bumble. Then we’ve got Jughead over here, narrating the whole thing and being the cunt-iest backseat driver I’ve ever seen in my whole damn life.

JUGHEAD: Archie was careening down the streets of Riverdale! And he doesn’t even have a license!!!

ALSO JUGHEAD:

The amount of shade Jughead manages to throw at Archie while he drives his dying father to the hospital is honestly inspiring.

Elsewhere, the Coopers are about to sit down to a nice pancake breakfast, when Betty decides to tell her mom all about how she dry-humped Jughead last night on his kitchen counter. She’s being way too fucking honest about her sex life rn, and it’s concerning.

MRS. COOPER: How was your night, sweetie?

BETTY: Well I almost lost my virginity in Jughead’s trailer, but then the Southside Serpents interrupted us by offering my boyfriend a spot in their gang. Can you pass the syrup?

MRS. COOPER: *Sighs* Well at least he’s not related to you.

Gotta love this town.

The gang gathers to meet Archie at the hospital. Veronica apparently drank an entire bottle of Cristal before visiting her boyfriend’s dad in the hospital, which feels more appropriate than Betty’s morning, tbh. Also, respect for being 16 and drinking better champagne than I have tasted in my entire adult life.

Okay, Archie is acting sketchy AF about the shooting. Like, he’s hiding something, or he’s trying very hard to act. It’s really 50/50 at this point.

Lol, I love how Veronica is trying to win the Best Girlfriend of the Year award while sloshed. *slow claps* Never change, Veronica, never change.

They convince Archie to go home and change his clothes, because he’s freaking everyone out with his bloody shirt and yet suspiciously clean varsity letterman jacket. Hmm. First signs that Archie is lying his fine ginger ass off about what really went down at Pop’s?

Okay, since when does Archie have a dog? Like, where was this thing when he hosted a frat party in his living room and dry-humped Veronica on the pull-out couch? And, wait, it has a name? Its name is Vegas?? I have so many questions about this damn dog. Like, why I’ve never seen him before in my entire life and why his sole purpose on this show seems to be cock blocking the audience from witnessing another Varchie sex scene. You’re on my list, Vegas. You. Are. On. My. List.

Oh Jesus. Is he going to walk that thing looking like a walking crime scene? I mean, how hard would it have been to take your bloody shirt off before strolling through the neighborhood, Archie? Hmm? You take it off every other episode, so why is this any different?

Praise. Archie is finally earning his paycheck by being wet and broody, wiping the blood off his naked body, and I might pass out.

Meanwhile, Veronica thinks now is the appropriate time for a quickie. Archie is like, having an existential crisis, dealing with the potential death of his father, and Veronica is emotionally masturbating about their relationship. Wait. I am Veronica. Veronica is me.

This. Shower. Scene. Though. I don’t know whether I should be turned on or disgusted, because I’m pretty sure the entire cast was born the year I was learning to how to read.

Back at the hospital, everyone is blowing up Betty’s shit about still being a virgin, but like, do they not see that crew neck GAP sweater she’s wearing rn, right? That should have been a dead giveaway that her hymen is 100 percent still intact.

Cheryl walks in right at that moment looking like a fucking queen and treating her burn victim mother like this season’s must-have accessory. And YES you read that correctly. Her mother, who last we saw was losing her damn mind on the front lawn, while Cheryl gleefully watched her childhood home burn to the ground, is covered in burns from head to toe. This is suspicious AF. I mean, last we left off, Cheryl hadn’t set fire to any humans in her life (yet), and her mom was safely outside the fire… so does that mean Cheryl went back for round two?? I NEED ANSWERS, RIVERDALE WRITERS.

Archie and Veronica have finally disentangled themselves from each other, because maybe they should, like, check on Archie’s dying father? Maybe?

In typical fuckboy fashion, Archie tries to kick Veronica out of his house 2.5 seconds after pulling off the condom. *takes deep, calming breaths* And this is why I have trust issues. I know his dad is like, dying and all, but he’s lucky that a dime piece like Veronica Lodge is even giving him the time of fucking day. BYE.

God. Jughead on a motorcycle is literally all of my sexual fantasies come to life. If there’s ever a Suite Life reboot, they should incorporate this motorcycle somehow. Disney Channel, I’ll be waiting.

Wait… V thinks her mother placed a hit on her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Andrews?? Honestly, not that far-fetched…

HERMIONE LODGE: You really think I would kill my ex-boyfriend just because your father is coming home and I made out with Fred that one time?

VERONICA: If the Manolo Blahnik fits…

ME:

If only I’d had this comeback when I accused my mother of purposely shrinking my favorite pair of 7 jeans.

I love how Betty and Jughead can just walk into a crime scene and look for evidence. I forgot that they work for the press their high school newspaper and therefore have access to such things. Like, I’m sorry, but I’ve watched every episode of Law & Order: SVU ever made at least 30 times, so I like to think of myself as something of an amateur detective, and there is no way in hell that Olivia Benson would let a kid with a beanie fuck with her crime scene.

^^Actual footage of me restraining myself from calling the Riverdale writers out on Twitter for their bullshit.

Also, it seems incredibly unlikely that mere hours after a shooting took place, the police are just done with the crime scene. What, did they just peek in and say, “That’s enough for us, we’re all cool here”? I mean, this is like Rosewood PD levels of bad police work. I can’t.

Lol, I love how Betty is just like, “Let’s look for his wallet while we’re at it!” OH BETS. YOU THINK THEY’D LEAVE A PIECE OF EVIDENCE LYING AROUND? Did you think the criminals were just like, “Yes, best leave it here in case some teens come by to get it for him.” Did you?? Smdh.

Poor Pop is mopping up pools of blood and meanwhile Betty and Jughead are just like, “Have you started serving lunch yet or…?” Watching them eat an entire lunch spread and argue about their relationship status whilst sitting next to a pool of blood is something I have not seen since I last dined in Brooklyn in my damn life.

Okay, Cheryl threatening her burn victim mother is literally everything I’ve ever wanted to say to an ex-boyfriend ever.

MRS. BLOSSOM: *makes brief eye contact with Cheryl*

CHERYL: You breathe because I allow you air. Got it, bitch?

ME:

Archie finally lets us know wtf happened at Pop’s. It’s cool. I’ve only been waiting all fucking night, but take your time.

So apparently after the masked gunman shot Fred Andrews, he held a gun to Archie’s head to test his acting abilities, and Archie just like, blacked out? It’s unclear. In a surprise to no one, Archie knows nothing and remembers nothing. You don’t make it easy to love you, do you Arch?

^^Archie Emoting

Archie walks in on Cheryl making out with his indisposed father, and it’s actually not the creepiest thing I’ve seen on this show tbh.

ARCHIE: Wtf are you doing?

CHERYL: I’m giving him the kiss of life.

I swear to fucking god, if Cheryl becoming a dementor is a plot twist this season, I’ll still be totally on board, because she is a queen, and I’ll follower her anywhere.

So this entire episode, Archie’s dad has been having dream sequence flashbacks in what I can only assume is The CW’s attempt to waste my time and get my hopes up that Archie won’t dump Veronica the second another hot new girl rolls up in town. Nice try, but it won’t work is definitely working on me, please don’t crush me and my fragile feelings.

Also, his dad is imagining Archie and Veronica’s wedding, and all I can focus on is why Archie is in a kilt? Is it because he has red hair? Because that’s racist, CW.

I love watching Betty try to explain to Jughead that she’s low-key into bad boys. Like, Betty, you can stop with the whole good girl act. We all know that you would willingly leave your virginity on the floor of that trailer if Cole Sprouse shrugged into his jacket one more time.

Veronica, who has clearly watched the “Look What You Made Me Do” music video way too many times, causally threatens her parents (P.S. her dad is back! And it’s Kelly Ripa’s husband!) for maybe trying to murder her boyfriend’s dad, when they yell at her for drinking all of the Cristal and showing up late to dinner. Honestly, she’s bringing up some amazing points.

The episode ends with Archie sitting on his ass vowing to protect his family from intruders. Maybe it’s the baseball bat that he’s tapping in time to the background music or maybe it’s the milk crate he stole from an Urban Outfitters ad, but I just cannot take him seriously when he’s like this. Archie, you’re a dumbass, go to bed.

WAIT WTF THE MASKED MAN KILLS MRS. GRUNDY?? What. The. Fuck. I mean, she is seducing underage high school boys, so she totally got what she deserves, but like, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

I’m just having a lot of feelings rn, so if y’all need me I’ll just be Olivia Benson-ing the shit out of these case facts to see if I can figure out who masked man is by next week. Byeee. 

In case you are not a friend I force to read my articles loyal reader, then you probably don’t know that I’m low-key obsessed with the CW show Riverdale. It’s like if PLL and Gossip Girl had a baby and forced it to wear hipster clothing. Real cutting-edge stuff here. Not only is the show addictive AF but it’s also making me, like, realize some stuff. For instance, suddenly I’m realizing Cole Sprouse seems less like one-half of the whitest twins to ever grace the Disney Channel and more like the the tortured bad boy I want to sext on Saturday night. Also, that gingers are hot. *starts questioning entire existence*

Clearly, it’s been a roller-coaster of emotions for me on Thursday nights. But the real gems on this show are the girls of Riverdale High. Don’t get me wrong, I would one hundred percent bang every cast member on this show because they’re all hot AF, but the girls’ beauty game truly slays. And thanks to CoverGirl, who is apparently plugging the shit out of this show in what I can only assume is some sort of sad attempt to win back the young customer base that Kylie Jenner and her lip kits stole from them, I now know everything I need to look like a CW queen in her prime. And now you will too because here’s how to get the Riverdale look. You’re welcome.

1. Veronica Lodge

Veronica is like the nicer Blair Waldorf that no one asked for. She’s a rich AF former Upper East Sider which is betchy for sure but she’s also slumming it in Riverdale. This girl is an enigma to me. One second she’s slaying in one of her casual couture all-black outfits, toting a Starbucks coffee and flashing her Daddy’s credit card to solve her problems, and the next second she’s like dropping Archie in favor of her her nicegirl BFF’s misplaced feelings. Ugh I hate when teen dramas try and make their characters have actual depth. Like, stop trying to force life lessons down our throats and get back to the storyline that involves Archie’s abs. Thx.

But the one thing I will say about Veronica is that her eyebrow game is on point. Seriously, those eyebrows could have their own spin-off show and I would still watch that shit.

And in order to get the brows known round the world (aka my Thursday night group chat), the first step is to lighten your brows. Because Veronica is rich environmentally conscious she chooses to use “natural herb-infused eyeshadow (not a brow powder)” to fill in the her brows. But if you DFAG about the environment are broke, then any lighter brown eyeshadow will do. Use an angled liner brush to create that precise look of Veronica’s eyebrows that I’ve come to know and envy. The last step to completing this look is to use MAC’s Brow Set in Clear to ensure that your brows never look chalky or untamed.

2. Betty Cooper

Ah, Betty. Similar to how Freeform brands Emily as The Lesbian of Rosewood, Pennsylvania, The CW is also trying to tell us something with Betty’s look. Hmm it could be the sexless sweaters… or that she only dresses in neutral/white color palettes….or that her ponytail is high enough to touch God…?

Oh, gotttt it. She’s a virgin. That’s v v clever, CW.

But even though Betty is a virgin who can’t drive she’s still got fucking amazing skin. Which is sort of amazing considering the many major plot twists the producers life throws her way. Like, sure these Riverdale teens have to deal with dead brothers and fucking their teachers and their dads being leaders of an adult biker gang that only wears jean-on-jean ensembles BUT HAVE ANY OF THEM DEALT WITH A PIMPLE BEFORE?? Call me when you have real problems, children.

But back to Betty and her amazing skin. The key to getting the Cooper glow (you should trademark that shit, CW) is a clean matte liquid foundation. It’s makeup so it’ll hide all the shit that’s going wrong with your face this week, but it’s also V natural looking so you can still try and pull the whole “I woke up like this” line. 

3. Cheryl Blossom

I know I just said some complimentary things about the above characters, but let’s be real, I only watch this shit to see what fire one-liners will come out of Cheryl’s mouth next. I’ll even forgive her for that weird incest vibe I’m getting from her and her dead brother because she’s that fucking savage.

I love Cheryl for so many reasons. She’s rich AF and she knows it, plus she runs Riverdale like the bad betch she is. Seriously, she makes Alison Delaurentis look like amateur hour. But what I love most about her is her signature look aka wearing the blood of her enemies in the form of a bold red lip.

Again, because CoverGirl is shamelessly plugging this show, they made some sort of “How To” video for sad wannabes in high school and myself. I’m so blessed. Cheryl’s lipstick of choice in the video? Lime Crime’s Matte Velvetine in Red Velvet. This color is bold AF and gives off the vibe that you might verbally eviscerate someone for fucking up the pep rally cheer. Add a top coat of Nivea Chapstick for an extra glossy finish.

And there you have it. You now look like a cast extra on Riverdale, because let’s be real, you probs fucked up those crystal clear barely instructive beauty instructions I just gave you. Brb if you need me I’ll just be googling pictures of Cole Sprouse and wondering where we all went wrong. 

In case you haven’t actively been counting down the days in your calendar until the Riverdale premiere (hi), then let me just educate you real quick because season two airs in exactly one week. That’s right, people: We only have to wait ONE MORE WEEK until we’re back in our favorite small town with the largest population of hot gingers known to man. Ah, it feels good to be home. If you know anything about me then you know that I stalk the entire cast on Instagram am a fan of the show and also make it my personal mission to make everyone else in my life a fan of the show through blunt force the power of suggestion. So if you’re not down to listen to me discuss in-depth the pros and cons of a fictional character clown then you should probs close out of this article, because I’m about to go zero to 100 real fucking quick.

When season one ended last spring, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions, like did anyone die in that shooting at Pop’s? (Fingers crossed it’s only Luke Perry.) Did Cheryl somehow manage to save her River Vixen uniform along with her entire fabulous wardrobe from the fire after burning her life to the ground? Did Jughead get past second base with Betty in that trailer? Because if so, they better fucking show it. These are the questions that keep me up at night. But perhaps the most important question posed at the end of season one—the one that I 100 percent need answers to ASAP—is this: Will Archie ever stop being the fucking worst?

I know this might be an unpopular opinion because Archie is one hot, fine piece of ginger ass an important character on the show but, like, he fucking sucks. Which is kind of hard to do when you’re the lead of a show that’s about your own fucking life. But I guess if Kim K can do it, then so can a 19-year-old with a bad dye job. Don’t believe me? Well, lucky for you, I literally have nothing better to do with my life than discuss this show, so here are the 5 times that definitively prove Archie is the worst part of his own damn show.

1. That One Time He Banged His Teacher

Archie banging his teacher was probs the least memorable thing to happen all season, but it was still a huge fucking shock when we first found out about it. For one, it was creepy AF. Archie only ever referred to her as “Miss Grundy” even though she looked like she could also be in the 11th grade. For two, screwing his teacher led him to hear some shit that was pertinent to Jason Blossom’s murder investigation, and HE DIDN’T FUCKING COME FORWARD WITH IT. At least not until Jughead made him feel like shit and threatened to out his definitely illegal relationship with Miss Grundy, as a good friend does. Only then did Archie talk to the police about the gunshots he heard while he was finding his sound working on his music railing Mrs. Grundy in the park. What’s worse is that he made it seem like it was his idea the whole time and not like he was morally blackmailed by his friends to do the right thing and help solve a devastating murder. I see right through you, Red. Right. Through. You.

2. Every Time He Brought Up His Music When Literally No One Asked Him To

When I first found out Archie was going to be the sensitive jock type who struggles between two parts of himself, his love of music and his love of sports, I rolled my eyes so far in the back of my head I was afraid they might permanently stay that way. But I was willing to give him a chance because he’s pretty and I like when he takes off his shirt I believe in him. That is, until started bringing up his music every five seconds when literally no one asked him to. The first time this happened he started jamming at his lunch table, which is personally offensive to me. My lunch hour is the time I take for myself to shovel as much food into my mouth as possible in 60 minutes or less, while also talking shit about everyone who spoke to me before coffee wronged me that morning. And, Archie, how can your friends talk shit about you and your weird obsession with music when you’re at the table crooning nonsense?

Tbh anytime he made anyone listen to his music ever was truly a crime against humanity. Archie The Musician was a HUGE plot point throughout the first season and, similar to The CW’s Hot Ginger Agenda, they were heavily trying to push Archie being the next John Mayer down our throats. And, look, he isn’t a bad singer (thanks to auto tune voice lessons, I’m sure) but he just took himself far too seriously. Like, Lucas-Scott-An-Unkindness-Of-Ravens seriously. While Archie was off complaining about how no one takes his “craft” seriously, people are dying left and right, families are being torn apart, the River Vixens are having v intense dance-offs. But sure, let me just take a second to give a shit about you and your burgeoning music career, Archie. It’s like he doesn’t even realize he’s a pretty white dude with a semi-decent voice and better-than-decent abs. You’ll be fine, Archie. You know who will not be fine? Polly and the unborn twins she carries that were fathered by her cousin. HER COUSIN. Those are real problems, Arch. Gtfo.

3. When He Dated Anyone On The Show Ever

Archie is the resident heartthrob fuckboy on Riverdale, and as such he tries to profess his love stick his dick in anyone who seems mildly interested in his music and has a vagina. Ladies, we’ve got a real winner on our hands right here. First, he’s all into Miss Grundy. Then he moves on to Valerie, because she makes an offhanded comment about his music and that’s what gets him hard. He gets Val to help him with his music by flashing his abs (I assume), which sets off a chain of events that includes Valerie losing her spot with The Pussy Cats and alienating herself from all her friends. Once she has nothing and no one in her life but Archie, he ditches her to make out with Cheryl because she promised to get him into band camp. I paraphrase. Then he drunkenly fucks around with Veronica at his house party because she’s there and wearing a crop top that emphasizes her daddy issues. (Sidenote: Where did you get that shirt, girl? Asking for a friend…) The worst part about Archie is that he’s a fuckboy that thinks he isn’t. He’s genuinely shocked every time a girl seems pissed that he ditched her for someone hotter and/or with better connections in the music industry. His lack of self awareness is truly shocking something I see literally every day on Bumble. 

^^10/10 would still slide in his DMs tbh

4. That Time He Tried To Low-Key Get With Betty

Speaking of fuckery, remember at the beginning of the season when Betty was super into Archie but he didn’t think she’d let him get past first base wasn’t into her? And then Betty started dating Jughead and gave me a reason to live? Yeah, good times. Do you also remember that moment at the end of season one when Archie gets bored playing with Veronica’s emotions and decides to fuck with Betty’s head instead? Do you?!

ARCHIE: *sees Betty happy with someone else* Hey, Betty, do you ever, like, think about us at all? Because I do.

BETTY: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Honestly, Betty, RUN. Do not fucking fall for this ginger with an angelic face. And I swear to god, if these two get together in season two, I will protest day and night until the writers get their shit together but still 100 percent show up every Wednesday to watch.

HANDS, ARCHIE. Where are your hands! You better watch yourself, Red, because I will cut you if you get in the way of my happiness fav Riverdale couple.

5. When They Discovered Who Murdered Jason Blossom

Lastly, let’s just take a second to talk about that monumental scene at the end of season one where the Riverdale crew find out who murdered Jason Blossom. We’d been on the edge of our seats all fucking season waiting to find out who killed Jason, and then it’s revealed that it was Jason’s own father—the lunatic faking red hair—and everyone is pretty damn shook. During that scene, Jughead and Betty both look broken, like their whole worlds have been shattered. Veronica looks as upset as I do when I take a look at my bank statement, and Kevin looks like he’s 3.5 seconds from having a mental breakdown. Basically everyone is showing an appropriate amount of emotion about finding out there’s a murderer in their midst. Everyone except for fucking Archie.

Jesus fucking Christ. You had one job, Archie. ONE. To look like you gave a shit about finding out who murdered your classmate, and instead you look like you just realized you forgot to flush a massive shit. No, it’s clear that Archie is good for one thing and one thing only:

Just keep playing to your strengths, kid. 

In case you’re not one of my friends that I force to read my articles loyal readers, then you probably don’t know that I’m v obsessed with The CW’s Riverdale. Not only is the show addictive AF but it’s also making me, like, realize stuff. For instance, suddenly I’m realizing Cole Sprouse seems less like one-half of the whitest twins to ever grace the Disney Channel and more like the the tortured bad boy I want to late night sext. Also, that gingers are hot. *starts questioning entire existence* And if you haven’t been watching Riverdale then you can’t sit with us need to stop being a productive member of society and dedicate the next 12-15 hours of your life bingeing season one so you won’t seem like a homeschooled jungle freak when Riverdale season two premieres on October 11th. Luckily for you, I’ve invested way too many hours of my life watching and rewatching and Googling Cole Sprouse’s biceps every episode so I’m pretty familiar with all of the crazy shit that went down last season. And, yes, I realize I need better hobbies. Anyway, here are the most batshit iconic moments from season 1 of Riverdale:

7. The Entire Redheaded Population of Riverdale

I feel like I have to address this because NO ONE is talking about it, but has anyone else noticed that 75 percent of Riverdale’s population is redheads? HAVE YOU?? I mean, statistically speaking, how much incest do we think is happening in this one town? I know of at least one confirmed case, but that doesn’t explain why three of the eight main characters are gingers. This isn’t really a batshit moment from the season so much as The CW trying to push the redhead agenda down our throats with scenes like this:

Subtle, CW, very subtle. I see exactly what you’re doing here, and you know what? It’s absolutely working. *updates Bumble bio to “into gingers”*

6. Archie Bangs Miss Grundy

You know this show is lit AF if a student banging his teacher is one of the least exciting things to happen all season. Archie Andrews, star of Riverdale and reason I have trust issues with gingers, was busy finding his “sound” banging his music teacher Miss Grundy all summer, which of course everyone finds out about legit three episodes deep. Honestly, the whole teacher/student story line was less hot and sordid and more boring and gross. Archie never once calls her by her first name—it’s Geraldine, btw—instead referring to her as “Miss Grundy” even when he’s railing her on the piano in between the morning announcements. Honestly, all of my feelings regarding this relationship can be summed up into one scene when Fred Andrews, Archie’s DAD, hits on Miss Grundy and then thanks her for “taking in interest in his son.”

FRED: So you think my boy’s got some talent, huh?

MISS GRUNDY:

MISS GRUNDY: Yes, he’s really got a shot at dry-humping me after school in my VW bug a music career.

ME: But, like, have you listened to the boy’s songs??

5. Polly Uncovers The Infamous Blossom Secret

Polly Cooper is low-key the most annoying character on this show. Like Hannah Baker levels of annoyance. On a scale of one to tragic teen moms she’s right up there with that 14-year-old from Secret Life Of The American Teenager. I mostly think this because she seems like the type who thinks doing it in a hot tub can’t get you pregnant. Also, she smiles too much. I don’t trust it. Anyway, it’s this street-smart individual who decides the best move for her and her unborn children is to move into the Blossom mansion and try and uncover all of their deep, dark family secrets because what could go wrong with that plan? And boy, are they twisted! Does she find out who murdered Jason, her dead lover and the father of her twins? Is the Blossom’s million dollar maple syrup dynasty (lol) really a cover-up for some sort of underground red-headed baby black market? No, Polly finds out that Mr. Blossom is—wait for it—not a natural redhead. Seriously, we should send this girl to Russia and see if she can get to the bottom of this “hacking” scandal because she is fucking talented.

4. The Jughead Makeout Scene

Riverdale has changed my life in so many ways, but mostly in the way that most of my sexual fantasies now involve Cole Sprouse, aka the twin who dressed up in drag on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Yeah, there’s been a lot of self-reflection happening in my life lately. When Betty and Jughead started hooking up I was so here for it for many reasons. For one, I’m super into that whole good girl/bad boy trope, which is why I’m probably why I’m single. It’s important to know yourself. Second, their relationship brings some much needed heat to what would otherwise be a show about Archie Andrews and his fuckboy adventures. So, yeah, I’m rooting for these two crazy kids. Most of this season was just a lot of hand holding and quick kisses because Betty is a virgin who can’t drive the writers love to toy with my emotions. But the final episode of last season we finally see the good shit: Betty and Jughead getting to second base. I know, it’s thrilling. Whatever. Watching these two dry-hump in a trailer is sexier than most of my Bumble dates rn so I guess I’ll take what I can get here.

3. Dark Betty

Tbh I didn’t love Betty in the beginning because I’m holding a grudge about the whole Jughead thing she was kind of whiny and annoying and her fashion choices made it really hard for me to support her. That said, Betty goes DARK mid-season when she tricks scumbag Chuck into confessing that he sexually harasses girls for funzies. And by dark I mean she has a full-on psychotic break an average female response to being sexually harassed by a man. But instead of internalizing her hatred for Chuck she actually does something about it. She decides to roofie the star of the football team, handcuff him to a hot tub and then threatens to burn him alive if he doesn’t apologize for being a dick. *slow claps* Not all heroes wear capes, ladies—sometimes they wear lingerie and a wig. Honestly, can’t say I haven’t thought of doing the same. I’m living for this version of Betty so much. Like YAS queen I am so here for you and your revenge, please fuck that boy up rn. Here’s hoping this crazy bitch makes an appearance in season two.  

2. The Incest Twist

If you thought the maple syrup feud was dark, well we’re about to get darker. I thought there was a lot I could handle in terms of plot twists. Like, teen pregnancies? Okay, that’s actually sort of average for a teen drama. Town murders? Fine, I’ll see where this goes. Fucking Archie being described as the next John Mayer of our generation? Honestly, you’re pushing it. But just when I was getting comfortable with all of the bullshit the Riverdale writers try to throw my way on a weekly basis, they bring out an incest plot twist. That’s right fam, Polly and Jason are COUSINS. I think my immediate reaction when I found out this news was somewhere along the lines of:

And also:

Tbh the only people we have to blame for this whole cousin-loving thing are the parents. I mean, how were Polly and Jason supposed to know they were related? Polly doesn’t even have red hair! And like, far be it for them to just come right out and tell their kids that the person they brought to homecoming was actually low-key related to them. Banish them to a nunnery? Sure, great idea. Tell their child they’ve been making out with someone who shares a percentage of their DNA with them? Nah, we’ll just them they can’t see each other because of the maple syrup thing. That explanation should suffice.  

1. Cheryl Burning Her Life To The Ground

I’ve never felt more connected to a human than when Cheryl Blossom burned her whole fucking life to the ground in the season finale. Honestly, iconic. I mean, sure, I do this shit figuratively every Friday night after six glasses of wine when I’m left unsupervised with my phone, but still. Cheryl had like, a lot to deal with this season. To sum it up: Her twin was murdered by her father and her mother was kind of a bitch about it. Not to mention Veronica stole the River Vixens from her AND Archie, who will legit make out with anyone who has a vagina and sounds mildly interested in his music, turned her down. If those aren’t valid enough reasons to burn your life to the ground and start anew then I don’t know what are.

^^Actual footage of me* hungover on a Saturday morning watching my life go up in flames

*And by “me” I mean Mrs. Blossom watching Drunk Me Cheryl revel in her catastrophic decision-making skills