How Not To Be A D*ck When Coming Out Of Quarantine

After 95694845 days of quarantine (I lost count), our collective #QuarantineClub efforts have not been in vain. And now I’m actually seeing other humans IRL (yay!) out and about. We’re getting our lives back in this so-called “new normal” and cautiously doing all right in Phase 3 with non-essential businesses opening up. Parts of New York are allegedly even entering Phase 4, but that seems too good to be true.

The light at the end of the tunnel seems to be within our reach, but remember—it’s a marathon, not a sprint. All things considered, we can keep up our momentum so long as a few bad apples don’t f*ck over the entire cart. Unfortunately, parts of the U.S. are experiencing just that—sheer amounts of stupidity (i.e. COVID-19 parties… seriously, WTF Alabama??).

Extreme cases aside, I understand that at this point, you’re saying to yourself “omg, I’m so over COVID-19. O-VeR. IT.” And I get it. 2020 is canceled. The pandemic was not exactly what we wanted for summer. But think about how the frontline workers must feel? My close friend Mira MacLeod, a Registered Nurse who works in the COVID-19 ward of a major Toronto hospital (which was also the same converted facility used to treat the first SARS patients) said, “hell (lol) I’M OVeR IT. If anyone has COVID fatigue, it’s me, girl.” 

So for her sake and for every one of these caregiving heroes, when it comes to our collective health, reckless behavior is inexcusable. In fact, it’s NOT okay when you decide to be a d*ck by not wearing a mask in a shared public space and jeopardize the lives of others. Additionally, I honestly feel like the warm weather must be frying off some of the common sense in some people’s brains. I guess when you throw sunny skies and balmy weather into the mix, it’s like everyone suddenly forgot that there’s still a deadly pandemic in our presence which, may I remind you, still has the power to come back to bite us again (like it did to South Korea and their second wave) and force us back into our homes.

In light of people filling up their social calendars once again and taking to the city streets, the Department of Health released some guidelines on how we can all be safe when gathering together and dining out. However, what these documents neglect to state or inform us about is how the heck these rules will be consistently enforced. Mayor Bill de Blasio is essentially telling us all of this is based on “trust” and calling people out when you see them breaking the rules. Basically like “if you see something, say something.” While that’s definitely one way of approaching it, despite reporting the situation, the damage will have already been done.

Dr. Sidney Chiu, an emergency doctor at North York General Hospital, reminds us that we must each do our part and continue to take initiatives in safeguarding our community. Furthermore, we made it this far in flattening the curve—let’s not f*ck it up folks! Here are useful guidelines to keep in mind:

When In Doubt, Wear A Mask

MacLeod says that if you want to be safe, you should wear a mask indoors—even if the business doesn’t state that it’s mandatory. “You should be wearing one in confined spaces like at the grocery store, on the transit system, or at a retail store—places where you’re touching a lot of things.” You should be wearing disposable rubber and/or plastic gloves for this as well (think clothing items, transit railing, etc).

Wear A Mask When Walking On The Sidewalk

MacLeod says her major pet peeve is when people don’t walk around each other on the sidewalk: “It irks me that some just don’t care and/or take liberties. They walk by you in close proximity, and this is particularly troublesome when there are small children nearby.” As a mom of two kids, this is especially triggering for her. So she advises that when you see someone approaching, go around them, if you can. Remember, social distancing means you should be six feet apart, which is further than you think.

There Is Still NO Vaccine

“Just based on how I’m seeing some people behave, I think many believe that the pandemic has mostly passed—and that’s certainly not the situation. The reality is that although we’ve passed the first wave, we are constantly at risk of new cases,” MacLeod says. She adds that precautionary measures should be as routine as checking for your wallet, phone and keys before leaving the house. “A mask, disposable gloves, hand sanitizer (making sure that it contains 60-95 percent alcohol), and disinfecting wipes should all be a part of your ‘toolkit,’” which means that these items should be considered part of your “new normal” for the foreseeable future. If you’re forgetful, a good strategy is to set up a daily pop-up alert on your phone to remind yourself of these essential items. Or consider keeping it all in a stylish bag near your door. 

No Hugging Or Shaking Hands

“This is tough, understandably, because we are by nature, social creatures,” explains Dr. Chiu.  He adds that “in lieu of physical touching, air hugs/air high fives, or toe tapping is better than exposing any part of your body to someone else. You just don’t want to run the risk.” As a friendly reminder, he says that COVID-19 is spread through droplets and/or physical contact. “Just think that when you’re embracing someone and that close face-to-face, any number of things could happen: coughing, sneezing—even talking and breathing could aid in transmission.” He adds that what could then theoretically occur is that even though it appears that “nothing happened” during the hug, since you effectively touched that person, you could then absentmindedly touch your mouth, nose and eyes, thereby spreading the virus.

Just Because They “Look Healthy” Doesn’t Mean They Are

“We always assume there are obvious visual cues to someone being ill. However this is certainly not the case when someone is asymptomatic and can transmit the virus to you,” says Dr. Chiu, who adds that these individuals may not even be aware they have COVID-19. “So for your sake, it’s better to err on the side of caution and to wear a mask whatever the social situation may be.” Another scary and not-so-fun fact from him: “the chance of a test detecting COVID-19 is very low if you are asymptomatic, and it is unlikely to be helpful in determining if you have COVID-19 if you have zero symptoms.”

Invest In Anti-Technology For Your Sunnies

Dr. Chiu says that “I’ve heard some people complain about their sun/glasses getting fogged up due to the mask wearing.” To remedy this, he says to do the following: “mold your mask to the bridge of your nose, tighten the mask, or simply invest in some anti-fog spray or wipes which will do the trick nicely (and you should be prepping all of this before you leave your home).” This is an overlooked issue but an important one, and he explains that “you want to minimize the amount of time touching your face. If your glasses are fogged/smudged, etc and you’re constantly readjusting them, you’re increasing your chances of exposure.”

Invest In An Automatic Soap Dispenser

When returning home, immediately wash your hands with hot soapy water before doing anything else (the CDC advises you do this within 20 seconds of entering your home.). To avoid contamination, MacLeod advises people to get one of those automated hand soap dispensers.” Additionally, she says that bar soaps are a big no-no because bacteria and germs CAN survive on them (ewwww).

And in terms of venturing out in the world à la Oh, The Places You’ll Go Post-Pandemic (!), here are a few tips and best practices to be mindful of in the following social scenarios:


If available to you, always opt to use the restaurant’s QR code, which allows you to see the menu on your smartphone rather than touching paper. An exception to this is if you have a visual impairment and require a hard copy.

Wearing a mask while dining in a patio/restaurant space isn’t required (cuz um, how else can you eat that food if your mouth is covered?!); however, you should absolutely wear one when walking to your table and using well-ventilated washroom facilities (which are 99% of the time located inside of a confined restaurant space). 

Another food-related issue is regarding pick-up and take-out: you just grab the order and go. Don’t linger and/or congregate on the sidewalks.

Hosting Gatherings/Cookouts

The CDC recommends that if you’re welcoming people into your home for, say, a BBQ cookout (specifically an outdoor space like the backyard) to consider keeping a guestbook of attendees for contact tracing needs. Disposable but recycle-friendly cutlery, plates, and cups should be used in lieu of the silverware you have at home.

Parks/Beaches/Outdoor Venues

Both Dr. Chiu and MacLeod say that if you can, visit these spaces on a weekday when it’s less crowded. “Because it’s an outdoor setting, it’s technically safer than, say, a shopping mall because these types of places are conducive to offering more room and fresh air.” For any communal seating (such as park benches and beach chairs), use hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes prior to use. 

Individual Appointments (Including, But Not Limited To, Dental And Medical Offices, Nail Salons, And Hair Salons)

Ensure that it’s not a walk-in situation, and whenever possible, book your appointment in advance. If you’re feeling uncertain, ask what sorts of protocols the business or service has implemented, such as adequate HEPA filters/ventilation, PPEs, and plexiglass barriers to minimize the risk of exposure. When you do arrive for your appointment, wait outside and arrange for the staff to text or give you a call when they’re ready for you. Lastly, if you know you have to fill out any documentation, bring your own pen—don’t use the communal ones supplied at the office/salon. 

Final Thoughts

With all the news and Karen-shaming, I’d like to think that the majority of us are better than that. However, we’re all human and can still be prone to slipping up once in a while. So I recommend screenshotting this handy color-coded infographic to act as your “pocket guide” if you are ever uncertain about venturing into a specific social situation. It’s nice that we can FINALLY see our loved ones IRL again, so let’s not take any of it for granted and remember to be considerate of each other by adhering to these practical and safe protocols.

Images: Gustavo Fring / Pexels; Giphy (2); Twitter / @saltymamas

How To Make Sure Your Date Doesn’t Try To Kiss You Without Pulling The Cheek Turn

If you’re anything like me, you can barely tolerate like, 96% of the human population unless they genuinely have something to offer you. Like a free meal, for instance. Honestly, I’m not even asking for that much, especially since I’ve had to put up with a lot of bullshit in this excuse of a dating scene over the years, so really, it’s the least a guy could do.

We’ve worked our entire pretend adult lives on how to round the bases by the end of a dreaded first date—or even how to receive a simple text back, because apparently that concept is now as laborious as a goddamn calculus equation. But sometimes life backfires, and we end up regretting all of our questionable decisions, including the one that’s sitting right in front of us, incessantly chomping his romaine lettuce. In any similar case, aborting the mission is a must, especially if he’s about to attempt some suave move by the time the “well this was great” fib rolls around. So basically what I’m about to tell you to do is everything you’ve been taught not to do on a first date, but I can’t just stop here because I’m getting paid hourly, and bitches gotta eat. In order to spare yourself the fucking agonizing cheek turn at the end of the longest two hours of your life, I’ve come up with all the things I’ve unknowingly done before that will ensure no physical contact will follow, without leaving you feeling like a complete c-word. You’ll be so thankful you read this as you’re politely ghosting rejecting him via text later on.

**This is to say you didn’t already go to the bathroom to “freshen up” and GTFO by way of back window.


1. Don’t Ask Him About Himself

If there’s one thing I truly pride myself on, besides disguising a brunch blackout every Sunday, it’s the ability to talk about myself for hours on end. This will especially come in handy when he runs through a list of job interview questions as if he didn’t already stalk you on social media beforehand. Give short Cliffnote answers, and when you wrap up a question, don’t follow up with the same question. In fact, don’t follow up with any question. The awkward silence in between inhaling your vodka soda(s) will drive him to plow through his entrée and skip dessert in no time.

Stop Talking

2. Use Body Language Cues

I once dated a guy who rambled on about his Costco steamer for like, 45 minutes straight. HIS FUCKING STEAMER. I don’t know for sure, but there was prob a string of drool hanging from my mouth from dozing off, and I wish I was making this shit up. But this is the part of the date where your chronic resting bitch face comes in good use. If you have to, act like he’s talking about the steamer. Maybe prop your chin up on your hand, whip out that ugly double-chin yawn, IDK, check on your ratio of Instagram likes to minutes for all I care. Point soon-to-be taken.


3. Insist On Splitting The Bill

Nothing says “friend zoned, motherfucker” like insisting on going halfsies. Like, yeah, sitting through a monstrosity of a date without taking a butter knife to your eyeball should earn you a free meal at the very least, but he’ll get the message loud and clear if you just put forth some cash. Oh, and this can also be used as a test to see if he actually lets you pay—god, I’m the worst.

Russel Crowe

4. Give Him A False Time Constraint

Here’s the thing: I chose writing as a career because it’s cheaper than therapy and my friends are sick of my incessant bitching. I may live on a strict diet of whatever I can fit into my purse from the office cafeteria, but I use my profession to its full advantage (besides times like now when I generously impart my extensive wisdom upon you for a nominal fee), and will always blame cutting a bad date short on my “deadlines” when the situation is 9-1-1. Nine times out of 10, you’ll know within the first five minutes of a date if you can barely tolerate some narc who showed up in pink Chubbies to talk about his new personal training business before the bread even comes. I promise, a time constraint is a 100% proven quick dip-out when you’re being suffocated by a guy who shit on the service all night and gave an 8% tip.


5. Play The “Sick” Card

Has anyone in the history of anyone ever fucked with someone who says they have diarrhea? No. Case closed.


6. Be A Hot Mess

Now is the time to skip to like, year two of a relationship timeline and be yourself aka who you really are when your roommate is out of town for a week. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Yeah fucking right. Give your lady bits a little scratch, pick the black mascara goop our of your eye crevice and wipe it on your pants, I don’t fucking care. Just channel your true authentic self aka Marlon Wayans in White Chicks. Or just do as I would do and get obliterated on his dime.

White Chicks

7. Be An Ugly Mess

Remember that one time you found out about your ex’s blonde side chick and you were so mad, you catapulted a rock through his car window? You know, the kind of shit you take to the grave? So tell him. In full detail. Maybe throw in your political views out there while you’re at it. Oh, and while you’re ahead, let him know that your parents’ divorce was the root of all your trust issues and your utter disgust of the male species as a whole. Nothing is a bigger boner killer than spewing your baggage out onto the table before he even knows what you do for a living. This guy will be Forrest Gump-ing his ass out the door before you even have a chance to say, “drive safe!”

Forrest Gump

8. Start Talking Futuristic & Become Clingy

If you really want to nix this guy, you’re gonna have to do some damage control. Long ago, a wise woman once gifted a man she barely knew with a love fern and an entire Photoshopped family album only to fall in love in the process of pushing him away, because it’s a RomCom so JK on that. I’m not saying you have to go FULL Kate Hudson on his ass, but mentioning baby fever on the first date will definitely help get you one step closer. He’ll also probably shit himself once you discuss any sort of future commitment that involves him and/or bringing him to your best friend’s wedding in April. You get what I’m putting down, but on the flip side, if he actually agrees to spend a weekend with your closest friends celebrating their love after a first date, then we’ve got bigger problems, and I don’t get paid enough to help you with that.

Love Fern

Happy curving!