2018 is legit right around the corner, and what better way to start off the new year than with a healthy dose of self hatred trendy new haircut that you’re bound to despise by the time your New Year’s Day hangover starts to fade? Lol I love being me. And picking out a haircut can be v v difficult sometimes. You might actually have to, like, look at yourself in the mirror and take an introspective look at what’s working with your face shape. *shudders* But lucky for you I know how to Google search have an innate gift for picking out haircuts that are the right cut for your face shape. You’re so fucking welcome. We’ve already predicted the hair trends that are about to be literally everywhere in 2018, so here’s which of those trendiest cuts are right for your face shape.
ROUND FACES
What You Should Ask Your Stylist For: Middle Part With Long Layers
Why it Works: So it’s not super inventive, fucking sue me, but the cut will look amaze on you. Plus it may or may not help you to land a ginger prince as a fiancé, like the last lucky bitch who rocked this haircut, which is literally all the proof I need to do anything. Just saying. The key here is to go with a cut that leaves hair a few inches past your shoulders with layers that hit right at your jaw. Also, be sure to tell your stylist to cut a bit on the sides to create subtle angles.
OVAL FACES
What You Should Ask Your Stylist For: Messy Pixie
Why it Works: People with oval face shapes are blessed in every way because they can literally get away with any haircut they want. Which is probs why Bekah M., a person who also has an oval shaped face, and her Instagram account looks like me and all the different personalities I use to start free trials. Something to keep in mind when talking to your stylist is that you want to go for an extreme cut whether it’s something super short or with super long layers. Anything in between will fuck with the symmetry of your face. We recommend going short with the messy pixie because that look is about to be everywhere in 2018.
HEART SHAPED FACES
What You Should Ask Your Stylist For: Curtain Bangs
Why it Works: With heart shaped faces, the goal is always to decrease the width of your massive fucking forehead (sorry, was that too harsh?) and increase the width of the lower part of your face. You’re also going to want to embrace the fringe haircuts *cough* curtain bangs *cough, cough* because a piecey-er haircut will elongate your face more. The good news is, curtain bangs are about to be every-fucking-where in 2018—seriously, Pinterest predicted it—so you’re about to be ahead of the curve with your new cut. Embrace that shit.
SQUARE FACES
What You Should Ask Your Stylist For: Cher Hair
Why it Works: Super long hair worn straight softens square angles. The middle part also opens up the middle of your face, drawing attention away from the harsh angles of your jawline. Kim Kardashian has used some sort of strategically placed Instagram posts sorcery to make this hair trend the next big thing for 2018. And, like, so what if it gives you an unnecessary reason to feel close to the Kardashians import hair extensions from starving kids in India? At least you’ll look good AF in the new year.
DIAMOND FACES
What You Should Ask Your Stylist For: Blunt Bob
Why it Works: If you have a diamond shaped face, then you have angles for fucking days. The good news is you might have a decent shot at modeling for something other than Sugar Bear Hair, good for fucking you. The bad news is you need watch your proportions with your hair cut, lest you end up frightening small children with your harsh angles. Straight chin-length bobs work best for this face shape, because it reduces the width of your cheekbones and shortens the overall length of your face.
We’re exactly one month away from the new year, which is great because this year I’ve been trash has been the worst and I can’t wait until it’s fucking over. And with a new year comes the inevitable hope that there will also be a “new you”. Maybe a you who doesn’t buy her work attire from Forever21 or who isn’t in an emotionally committed relationship with her Seamless guy. Well, a girl can dream. Anyway, here are 5 haircut trends that are about to be everyfuckingwhere in 2018 so you can embrace the best “new you” aka the same you, but with better hair.
1. Curtain Bangs
Curtain bangs are officially happening and we can thank the psychos on Pinterest who gave this trend a 600 percent increase in pins this year. It’s a dreamy, yet romantic look that works best on people who have straight hair. So if your New Year’s Eve resolution is to be more “daring” but you don’t actually want to take any risks, then this haircut might be right for you. It’s like getting bangs, but not, because they’re basically almost all grown out anyway.
2. Extra Long Hair
Kim Kardashian has been trying to make fetch extra long hair extensions happen for a straight-up year now, and apparently she’s going to get her wish, because 2018 is the year of long-ass hair. Extra long hair or “Cher hair” is predicted to be one of the hottest hair trends of 2018, which is great because I literally just got a lob last week. Seriously. This is v good for my my mental health rn. Anyway, unless you can afford to import hair extensions from a starving child in India *cough* Kim K *cough cough* then you better start growing your hair out now.
3. Blunt Bob With Bangs
If you’re one of those who wants to look betchy AF but doesn’t want to commit to hair that’s long enough to accidentally touch a toilet seat, then the blunt bob/bang combo is going to be the haircut for you. I’m not gonna lie, it takes one hell of a confident woman to pull this look off, but if Elena Gilbert—someone who survived after her entire family died, turned into a vampire, hooked up with her ex’s brother (and got away with it), found out she was a doppelgänger to the nastiest skank bitch in town, and still had to graduate high school during all of this—can pull of this look, then so can you.
4. The Grown-Out Pixie
Is it wrong that I’m predicting style trends based off of someone who hasn’t even hit puberty yet? Whatever. If it’s wrong, then Netflix shouldn’t have made a 12-year-old so fucking chic I don’t want to be right. Last year the pixie cut was everywhere, so naturally the grown-out pixie, or as I like to call it, the wtf-have-I-done-I-just-want-long-hair-again cut is going to be the “it” look of 2018. I mean, how else should you start a new year if not with a haircut that says you’re full of shame and regret from last year’s poor decisions? Anyway, if you got the pixie cut because one time Millie Bobby Brown got a pixie cut, then this is the perfect new look for you. Try leaving it extra long on top to give you some more styling options.
5. The Meghan Markle Knock-Off
In case you’re a mole person and missed it, the hottest European ginger is officially off the market thanks to Meghan Markle. That lucky fucking bitch. But if you can’t have her man, you can at least attempt to replicate her hairstyle so that you can feel close to Prince Harry like an actual princess in the new year. This isn’t so much a haircut as just a look you can attempt before hitting up happy hour. It’s the first Friday back at work after the Thanksgiving holiday, what the fuck do you want from me. Long hair and bouncy curls are about to be everywhere because of this bitch, I’m calling it now.
