You know when you’re having a really great morning, you look good and you feel good, and then you read something really fucked up like margaritas are giving you skin rashes and you lose your will to live? Well, you may want to rethink getting out of bed this morning because this just in: perms are making a comeback. Anddd the hits just keep on coming.
Apparently perms are making a comeback and this must be stopped before my mother tags me in a very smug Facebook post. This is not a drill, people. Places like InStyle magazine, Marie Claire, and Women’s Health magazine have confirmed the story, but then again they also confirm stories like “Welcome to the Dollhouse: A Conversation With A Human Barbie” so can they really be trusted? I’ll leave that up to you. BUT if my worst nightmare is coming true and the ‘80s are coming back one beauty trend at a time, then here’s what you need to know about it:
1. Carrie Bradshaw’s Hair Isn’t Making A Comeback, Thank God
You can kind of breathe easy because the type of perm that’s making a comeback is not the over-volumized, tight curls, horrifying bangs type that we know and abhor. THANK GOD. But rather, the natural bend-in-the-hair type of perm, made famous by
human praying mantises Victoria’s Secret models. Tbh it kinda makes me feel a little superior that Victoria’s Secret models might be walking around with permed hair (even if they look good AF doing it). Like, you may get the great body and date famous, beautiful people and have the metabolism of an anorexic 14-year-old girl and… I’m not sure where I was going with this but suddenly I have the urge to drink my feelings.
*opens bottle of wine*
2. It’s All About The Air Dried, I-Just-Emerged-From-A-Fucking-Lagoon Look
Which is a step away from the super styled curling iron waves that we know and love. Hmm is that why barrel curls were replaced on Nick’s season of The Bachelor with I’m-too-busy-getting-wasted-by-the-pool-to-finish-my-hair-before-the-rose-ceremony curls? Were those bitches actually ahead of the style curve or were they just, like, drunk and lazy? Food for thought.
Lol nah. Any girl who wears a leopard print headband isn’t ahead of anything other than the guy she’s flipping off on the New Jersey turnpike.
3. It All Depends On The Size Of The Rod
As is true with all things in life, how much I judge
you your perm depends on the size of the rod. No, seriously. You can’t make this shit up. Using smaller rods will get you looking like a bridesmaid at your mother’s wedding somebody just put Baby in the corner, while larger rods give you that beachy wave perfection. Either way you should def consult with your hair stylist (Hi, Susi) to see how big of a rod you should use.
4. If Your Hair Color Isn’t Natural Then You’re In For A Fucking Problem
Unless you’re one of those girls who
are in my burn book don’t color their hair, then you’re in for a real fucking problem. Overly highlighted hair doesn’t hold perms the same way natural hair does. This is especially true if you’re one of my sorority sisters bleaching your hair, because bleach-highlighted strands have a different consistency than the strands that aren’t highlighted, and this can seriously fuck with your curls. But because there is a God and She is obsessed with Flashdance rn, there are thio-free treatments (aka treatments that use a different chemical to break the bonds in hair) available for people who dye their hair and/or want a less damaging treatment.
Fuck, now I kind of want a perm. No one show my mother this, lest I eat shit in the family group chat. But seriously, I’m off to go reevaluate my life since apparently hell has frozen over.