At the end of your super special day with super special people and super special speeches, you should be serving a super special dessert. Newsflash—this is like, your last chance to impress your guests. Which makes it all the more upsetting when we see tiny plates of cake pops or a fucking wall of carnival food. I paid good money to be at this wedding, probably, and I demand a delicious dessert. I don’t want your dried out wedding cake and I don’t want some unique shit that you think everyone will love. When it comes to wedding desserts, variety is key, and if you’re serving only ONE of the below items (or all fucking five), let me know ahead of time so I can RSVP “nope.”
1. Doughnuts
Enough already. If you’re having a gross brunch wedding, then fine—hire out that super hip doughnut place and have them create you a cake out of doughnuts. But do not, DO NOT, hang doughnuts on a peg board and call it a dessert table. Fuck you. I’m not an animal, even though alcohol makes me act like one. I am above eating off of a peg board. Fuck you, Alyssa, and your trendy fucking wedding. Fuck you and your pink frosted “I Do” doughnuts.
2. Cotton Candy And Other Carnival Fare
Wtf? The fact that people do this is disturbing. I understand that, along with the Chinese-Mexican fusion food truck you have out front, having a cotton candy machine for dessert is totally UNIQUE and a hipster’s actual wet dream. However, no one older than age seven is going to appreciate you dishing out this slimy, crusty, sticky, spun sugar. You know what cotton candy and funnel cakes are good for? Being sticky. I don’t want to be sticky at this current juncture. I’m hoping to get to a nice, drunk place without wondering tomorrow, “Wtf is in my hair?” Fuck you.
3. Cake Pops
These reached their peak around 2010, so anyone serving this shit now can go shave their back. Be honest—have you ever had a cake pop that was amazingly good? The answer is “no.” Nothing on a stick has ever ended well. That includes dessert. It’s fucking science.
4. Literally Just Candy
I seen’t this shit, and it ain’t pretty. I get that you may be trying to cut costs, but for the love of god, please don’t let your dessert suffer by providing jars of candy for your guests as “dessert.” I’d literally rather you poured me another glass of wine than put some glass jars of candy on a table and thrown me a bag to fill. I didn’t like trick or treating when I was eight, and I sure as shit don’t like it now. We demand pastries and cake—not dried-out old Reese’s and questionable truffles. PASS.
5. Cupcakes
You know by now that I hate cupcakes at weddings. They’re tacky. They’re usually not that delicious. I hate buttercream for reasons I’m not going to get into here. Your red velvet chocolate or key lime crème can’t save you. If you’re having a bunch of CHILDREN at your wedding (first of all, ew), then yes, go ahead and serve them. But not everyone likes cupcakes, and you’re totally alienating the rest of us.
What do we want, then? We want variety. Choosing one or two desserts (esp. the above) fucking sucks, and we demand a full dessert table with everything to choose from. We came, we got you a gift, and we’re sitting through these awful speeches. Give us sugar or give us death.
Look, we understand that weddings are stressful for everyone involved. The groom would probably rather eat his shoe than be the center of attention. The bride is locked in a battle of financials and décor with her mother and mother-in-law. The bridesmaids are ready to stab each other over splitting the bill for the bachelorette party. And we, your wedding guests, just want a simple open bar and some goddamn hot food.
But Pinterest and the internet have betrayed us. Food trends for weddings are running unchecked into really fucking stupid territory. Be it naked cakes, or food trucks, or all things fusion, we’re here to guide you on what you def should not do for your wedding when it comes to feeding us.
1. Doughnuts
These belong in brightly colored stores dotting the crappiest highways, not on a cutesy peg board at your dessert table. I’m sorry, but is that shit just ASKING to be poked, prodded, burped on, and otherwise touched by the nasty toddlers you allowed to be present during your special day? Hard pass.
2. Cupcakes
These were cute in 2012. They now have no place on your dessert table. Negative bonus points if they’re mini and form your cake. You, ma’am, can fuck right off. Are you a bride or a bitch hosting a sweet 16? Grow up.
3. Food Trucks
Are you a Brooklyn hipster, a hipster hopeful, or just trying to be a dick? Go ahead and have a food truck at your wedding. While we deem these acceptable for cocktail hour (but barely), making your guests stand in line for made-to-order food, when we’re already drunk and tired and just want to eat mashed potatoes through a straw, is cruel and unusual. Did you know that food trucks used to be referred to as Roach Coaches? Yeah, so go ahead and have one. I fucking dare you.
4. Breakfast For Dinner
Oh, I’m going to keep my food cost low but thrill my guests with lukewarm pancakes, runny eggs, and tepid potatoes! Yippee! You realize I could have this for a quarter of the price down the road at Waffle House, right? A wedding—especially an evening wedding—is no goddamn place for your brunch dinner.
5. Mini Everything
Oh my gawwwwddddd, look how cute this tiny taco is, next to my tiny tequila shot, next to my tiny beef wellington. Hey guess what—if you have an open bar, I’mma need some real food up in this bitch. Full size servings, please. Unless you’re planning on hosting a tea party for small children, go ahead and put me down for the full size steak, full size shots, and full size fucking dinner.
6. Around The World And Fusion
Pick a fucking country—even two—and settle on it. Unless you and your intended are each like, Indian and Mexican and Native American and Italian and Jewish, you don’t need 20 fucking dishes representative of your culture. Uh, no, I really don’t want Korean-Jewish fusion tacos or sesame chicken next to my matzah balls. Knock it off. As was once said in Forgetting Sarah Marshall: “It doesn’t make you a traveler of the world, it makes you full of shit.”
