Your skin is wrinkly and dry, your mouth is a desert, and your entire body feels like that of an 85-year-old arthritic woman. Dehydration can cause a lot of weird issues, so chugging water and upping your general hydration is a must. But drinking water can sometimes be annoying (#firstworldprobs), and nobody wants to get up to pee 65 times in one day. Luckily, you can eat your water. By that, I mean eating certain foods can also give you the water you’re desperately craving, help dilute the vodka in your veins (can I live?), and bless your organs with much-needed vitamins and minerals. These are an easy fix to help get your shit back in balance without going on a juice cleanse or like, giving up pizza.
Want sexy skin AND to be hydrated without chugging water? Make a salad full of cucumbers. The potassium and magnesium will keep you face lookin’ fly while the water may help battle the hangover you’re currently sporting.
The clue is in the name, idiots. At about 93% water, this summer treat is a great option if you’re laying on the dock/beach/shitty patio chair in your ugly backyard. Plus, watermelon’s spongy quality makes it perfect for soaking in alcohol—just saying.
Weird, but true. High in fiber, high in water, low in calories, and shitty in flavor (sorry, but it’s true), try to incorporate some non-fried eggplant into your future to reap its benefits which like, slightly outweigh its sponge-like quality.
Zucchinis, which are just shittier cucumbers, are also full of water. These bitches are about 96% water, but eat it raw or else you’re totes getting rid of the water that’ll heal your unhealthy ass. Try some zoodles (spiralized zucchini for those of you who don’t even internet) with salt, pepper, lemon, and olive oil for a healthy fix.
Often ignored as a shitty breakfast garnish (get outta here), cantaloupe is about 90% water, only about 50 calories, and has some vitamins. All that may make you feel better about actually eating cantaloupe.
Yay! As long as you’re not one of those people who can’t eat pineapple cause it makes your tongue itch (sad), this fruit is super hydrating AND has anti-inflammatory properties. It’s like natural Tylenol, kinda.
7. Bell Peppers
Does not count if they’re stuffed in a burrito. Bell peppers, the stars of any crudité platter, are about 92% water and full of vitamin C.
Our least favorite and saddest desk snack makes an appearance as a water-filled snack. It kinda makes up for the depression that comes with eating celery at a party while all your other friends eat pizza rolls because you’re trying to lose three pounds. Anyway, celery is about 96% water (4% rage) and is packed with calcium, iron, zinc, and more.
9. Romaine Lettuce
Now that the E. coli scare has passed, romaine should be your new bff if you’re looking to up your hydration. Like most lettuces and greens, romaine has a shit load of water (less than shitty white trash Iceberg) and a ton of folate, vitamin C, and beta-carotene.
Ain’t nothin’ like a few slices of tomato on white bread with mayo during the summer. Fun fact: tomatoes are about 94% water, so eating an entire tomato for lunch won’t only help your skin and hair (vitamins, fam), but it’ll also hydrate your dry ass.
Images: Rick Vos, Unsplash; Giphy (4)
Bloating is LITERALLY the worst. It’s like, you could be eating healthy and totally not shitty, but your jeans claim otherwise. Learning to avoid the shit that makes your stomach hang over your pants is a lesson that should be clutched and held close like a vintage Chanel purse.
Here are the top ten foods that make you NOT bloated, so eat this shit to avoid feeling (and probs looking) like that chick from My Big Fat Fabulous Life.
This shit has been a mainstay in spas for year, and it turns out, for good reason. Cucumbers make you the opposite of bloaty and farty because of an antioxidant that helps reduce swelling in ALL of its forms. So put these shits on your eyes, in your belly, and anywhere else you feel could use a nip and tuck.
Our fav dick-shaped fruit has ANOTHER use —this time, to help us fit into our jeggings. Since they’re so rich in potassium, bananas prevent water retention by telling all the extra salt in your body to get its shit together. An even bigger plus—they’ll help you poo, making you feel EVEN SKINNIER. Hooray, bananas.
Battling water retention is apparently on asparagus’ to-do list, and we’re thankful for it. Eat it raw, roasted, steamed—what the fuck ever, and you’ll feel light and airy despite having had a delicious meal.
Battling hangovers? Check. Fixing nausea? Check. Making sure your stomach doesn’t repulse those around you? Check. Because it’s a natural anti-inflammatory, ginger relaxes the whole digestive tract, which makes you feel less like you have to suck it in. Add this shit to any smoothie or tea to help beat the bloat.
Oh yay! Our fav (sorta) calorie-free fruit makes the list. Because watermelon is so full of well, water, it makes you feel fuller without puffing you up. Add the fact that it has little to no sodium (a notorious bloater) and you better be adding this to your diet this week.
6. Greek Yogurt
A betch fav, Greek yogurt makes the list for showcasing its super good/yummy bacteria. Additionally, since it’s high in protein, it’ll keep the carbs at bay and keep your tummy flat. Just be sure to say “lol no” to those yogurts with the add-ins or added sugars. That’ll do the opposite of giving you a flat stomach—just saying.
7. Iced Coffee
THERE IS A GOD. If you need a coffee, keep it iced to add water (duh, an anti-bloater) and skip the sugar. We know coffee will give you a nice little caffeine jolt and the water will like, hydrate you.
Once again, there’s literally no excuse for you to be bloated, having read this list. Avocados and iced coffee? Yah, we can hang. Avocados are super high in potassium like our friends, bananas, which keeps us from retaining water. Once you get rid of all the water, you drop three pounds just like that! We assume.
Since it’s literally a denser, slightly less delicious cucumber, the presence of zucchini on our list shouldn’t surprise you. The plus side is that, unlike cucumbers, you can grill, roast, or make chips out of these dick-like veggies. Additionally, they’re super filling without the added calories like our good friend, sugar. Thanks, zucchini.
10. Egg whites
Start the day off the WHITE way (no racism intended). Unlike a regular omelette, or doughnut, or whatever, egg whites have basically no sugar, no carbs, and tons of protein. That’ll result in a full but flat tummy AND relieve you of some of that extra water.