One of the biggest takeaways from attending private school is the number of ways you can bend the rules for a dress code and still get away with it. Where is this most commonly applied? The buzzkill known as the 9-to-5 workplace that prides itself on being “business casual.” Yeah, fuck that. As a twentysomething woman who still enjoys a classic mini skirt and getting ratchet on the weekends, I’d like to say that it’s 2018 and about damn time for office attire to expand beyond boring trousers and granny pencil skirts. I demand my crop tops! The only thing that has gotten me through these five miserable months of winter at work (spring has obviously been cancelled, in case you couldn’t fucking tell), would be my daily outfit of oversized sweaters with leggings. I literally dare someone to make a complaint.
At this point, I’m just prepping myself for how sweltering this summer will be once it actually reaches a temperature other than the mid-40s. Once that happens, I will gladly take the opportunity to go shopping and spend a ridiculous amount of money I’ll hate myself for on cute af crop tops I can (possibly) get away with wearing to work. Here are five styles to help a sista out when you’re stuck inside a dreary cubicle this summer.
1. Missguided Ruched Floral Top & Skirt Co-Ord
While we’re trying to show a tiny bit of skin, I’m obviously not a fucking idiot. I don’t advise letting your belly ring show in your morning meeting, unless you literally are trying to get fired. The key to rocking a crop top at work is pairing it with something high-waisted. The higher it is, the less noticeable your shirt length. A trendy matching set basically ensures you’re 95% getting away with it, because you look too put-together for someone to call you out for a flash of skin.
2. Diane von Furstenberg Cropped Cotton-Poplin Top
If you absolutely must wear trousers, consider going for a wide-legged style. If you can do without them completely, skip the trousers all together and go for something more casual like the beloved palazzo pant. A flowy, long-ish crop top blends in well with flowy bottoms. HR may call it improper, but Tyra would call it fashion. And quite frankly, that’s all that matters.
3. Leal Daccarett Venus Top
Cropped tank tops are def underestimated. They’re just as cute as cropped T-shirts, so we should definitely take advantage of a sleeveless high-low cropped top. Pair the style with a tighter bottom, like one with a drawstring waist. It creates a look that says you’re totally making hoe fashion fashion forward, but also, like, really profesh.
4. Love, Fire Ribbed Off The Shoulder Top
We betches effing love a good off the shoulder style. It’s sexy af, but low-key classy at the same time, and the fit looks flattering on literally every body type. Make it fashion at work by pairing with a high-waisted pencil skirt, booties, and long cardigan. The moment 5:01 pm hits, you happen to be (coincidentally and not at all on purpose) dressed for happy hour faster than you can say “tequila.”
5. The Fifth Label Barbados Stripe Long Sleeve Top
Prints that fall under the business casual category (so like, stripes…) make it look a lot less inappropriate and more on the sophisticated side. Style with a midi-length skirt or fitted trousers for a sleek and boss betch outfit. When in doubt, layer crop tops with a jacket to help disguise the fact that your shirt falls above your navel. No one will suspect shit.
Images: Debora Cardenas / Unsplash; ASOS (1); Net-a-porter (1); Shopbop (1); Nordstrom (1); Revolve (1)
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If you thought you could kiss your summer body goodbye forever and head straight to the sleeve of BBQ Pringles in your pantry, maybe we should remind you Halloween is around the corner. Whether you’re being a slutty bunny for the eighth year in a row or getting regretfully creative with some cringeworthy political costume, you’re probably planning on showing a lot of skin, so you’ll need to look like you haven’t completely let yourself go since the Fourth of July. Here’s a quick workout that burns calories and targets your abs, so you can look amazing in your costume and spend the rest of the night drunk-eating mini Snickers bars. Complete the circuit three to four times total, and thank us when your slutty nurse costume fits better than ever.
1. Mountain Climbers
Starting the workout off with mountain climbers ensures that you’re getting your heart rate up while engaging your abs, so we’re already getting shit done. The idea behind mountain climbers is to stack your arms over your wrists and jog your knees into your chest, so you’re basically holding a plank while running in place. Don’t worry about moving your legs too fast because the main idea is to keep your core stabilized. Try not to lift your butt too high into the air or spread your arms too far in front of you, or else you’re defeating the purpose. Do 40 reps total.
2. Russian Twists
This exercise targets the top and sides of your abs, so if you’re doing it right, it should hurt when you laugh tomorrow. To really feel the burn on this one, you’ll probably need a weight or a kettlebell, but if you’re a beginner, you can just use your hands. Lie on the floor with your legs out in front of you, keeping them bent at the knees. Then, elevate your upper body so that it creates an imaginary V-shape with your thighs. Move the weight from one side of the body to the other, using your abs to bring it over. Do 12 reps.
3. Side Plank With Dips
This move is literally how Khloé Kardashian lost her muffin top, so if you’re looking to invest in a tight crop top this Halloween, I’d pay attention. The side plank is all about your obliques, which are where your love handles are. To tone that area, it’s important to keep everything tight and engaged, so don’t rush through this one. Start in a side plank on your elbow, keeping your legs straight and your feet stacked. Then, lower your hip to the floor, lightly tapping the ground before you lift it back up. Do 10 hip dips and then switch to the other side to do the same thing.
4. Burpees
No one ever looked good in a French maid onesie costume without some cardio, so let’s stop kidding ourselves. Burpees are key when it comes to burning a ton of calories in a short amount of time, so only do 8-10 of these per round. Standing with your feet shoulder-width apart and your arms at your sides, lower your body into a squat and place your hands on the floor in front of you, jumping your feet back so that you’re in a plank position. Once your body is in a straight line, lower your chest to the floor and then bring it back up as quickly as you can. Then, jump your feet forward, outside of your hands, and jump up with your arms in the air. So easy.
5. Lying Leg Raises
So many girls neglect their lower abs because they think they can do a million crunches and look great in a crop top. Your lower ab muscles are really the area that give your stomach a toned, slim shape, so doing leg raises is v important. Lying flat on your back with your legs straight out in front of you, keep your feet touching while you slowly lift your legs up to the ceiling until your butt is slightly off the floor. Then, lower them back down until they’re a few inches off the floor. Do 10 reps total, and remember to inhale while you lift up and exhale while you lower down. Don’t make this harder on yourself by holding your breath the entire time.
6. Plank Jacks To Plank Hold
This last move is basically two exercises in one, but stop whining because we’ve noticed how many PSL’s you’ve been drinking recently. (And you’re not even asking for skim milk. For shame.) Both moves start in a plank position, so start on your forearms with your body in one line and your feet a few inches apart. Make sure to squeeze every muscle in your abs, butt, and legs to keep your body stabilized the entire time. Then, jump your feet in and out, as if you’re doing jumping jacks without standing up. After about 20 jacks, hold the plank for a full minute, or as long as you can until your abs start crying. Whichever comes first.
As a secret hoe (I’m not that secret about it) I’m constantly pushing the limits of my employer’s sanity by seeing how much I can get away with in terms of the office dress code. Tbh they never should have called it business casual in the first place. Once you throw the word “casual” around that’s just asking me not to take it seriously. Like when a fuckboy tries to tell me he’s only into “casual dating” or when my mother tries to talk to me about my “casual drinking problem.” Please. And because my look is incredibly fashion forward a mix between lazy and slutty, I’m always trying to circumvent the dress code. For example, in the winter that includes me trying to get away with literally not wearing pants. I’ll show up to the office in leggings and an over-sized sweater/shirt/$5 Forever21 T-shirt that I’m trying to pass off as Yeezy and booties and just dare anyone to say shit about my outfit. And by dare I mean hide in my office and hope the girl I pissed off by eating her yogurt the other day doesn’t write a passive-aggressive email to HR. IT WAS ONE TIME, SUSAN.
But in the summer I sure as hell will be toeing that line between business and casual in a cute af crop top. Crop tops have been around for a while now and apparently the trend is sticking. Blessings. But unlike in college where you could literally wear a bra to the bar and call it couture—just me?—now, crop tops have become more chic and fashion forward. To which I would just like to say, are you listening to this, mother?? And because I support v important causes like making hoe fashion (thank you, Tyra), here are 5 crop tops for every office style that you should buy ASAP because you can absolutely probably get away with wearing this shit to your 9am department meeting.
Office Professional
You have, like, a normal 9-5 job that definitely enforces the “business casual” dress code no matter how many times you tell HR that you’re feeling personally victimized by this. In order to carry on with your hoe ways, you’ll def want to stick to a looser silhouette. Think longer, loose pants with a flowy, boxy top. The pants will elongate your legs while the crop top will keep you from looking like a bag lady an Olsen Twin. The key here is to make sure that your shirt is long enough so that nosey bitch Susan won’t report you for “inappropriate behavior.”
Boho Casual
You’re the type of person who doesn’t call wearing a crop top to work “pushing the boundaries,” but rather, “expressing yourself.” Odds are you work in advertising or some other creative field that encourages you to dress however the fuck you want. You get a bit more leeway than the rest of us, so go for a matching shirt/skirt combo in a funky print. It’s kind of like a trap a fashion optical illusion because while it kind of looks like you’re wearing a crop top it also kind of looks like you could just be wearing a dress.
Preppy & Girly
If this is your look then I’m assuming you do, in fact, work in a professional office setting but also you want to look cute. So I’m guessing your style icon is probs more Audrey Hepburn at a premiere than Bella Thorne getting felt up by Scott Disick on a yacht in Cannes. Just a guess. I suggest, pairing an over-sized skirt with a boxy, crop top for a chic yet office appropriate look. If you want to pretend like you have a personality mix it up a bit, try a bold color or print for the skirt.
Sporty Chic
I’m not going to make any sort of assumptions about what your job title is (shocking, I know). You could work at a gym or have some sort of fitness Instagram account or you could just be me work in a normal office setting where you show up looking like you don’t give a fuck. Either way, your secret weapon is going to be an over-sized bomber or jean jacket. If you’re trying to keep with your normal lazy af aesthetic, then throw one of those jackets over a black jean/crop top combo. It’s a classic, easy, and only slightly slutty look—three words I also def use to describe myself in my Bumble bio. If you’re trying to class it up because the new hire has a man-bun and you’re feeling like for once Mercury is not in retrograde and actively fucking with your dating life, then consider pairing the jacket over a knit crop top and matching pencil skirt. You’ll still look v edgy but also like you didn’t just find your outfit at the bottom of your laundry pile.
Wannabe Instagram Influencer
You’re def an assistant to an Anna Wintour wannabe who probs throws shoe samples at you when you forget to order her lunch with dressing on the side. Think Nina Garcia two seconds before she emotionally obliterates an amateur designer for not “editing” enough. The rules of business appropriate work attire do not apply to you because if you showed up in a basic blouse and a pencil skirt your boss would take one look at you and say this:
Do not be the Anne Hathaway of this scenario. DO NOT. You work in fashion (I assume) so take some chances for god’s sake (assuming your boss is cool with that. I realize I’m assuming a lot this article). That being said, don’t be afraid to try out a tighter, shorter crop top as long as you pair it with something high-waisted.
Spring cleaning is the one time a year you’re allowed to put your shit in garbage bags without looking as trashy as Angelina moving into the Jersey Shore house. In fact, I’d even go as far to say that you’re not just allowed to do it, but encouraged. Especially if you have any of these things hanging out in your closet. Here are a few heinous items you should purge from your wardrobe during spring cleaning and what to replace them with instead.
1. Anything With Mesh Paneling
We live in an advanced society where there are approximately three billion ways to make your boobs look good, so there’s no reason to keep anything with poorly designed mesh paneling for cleavage-related purposes. You should have left that bodycon with a mesh v-neck on the floor of that frat guy’s room in 2013, so there’s really no excuse to still be holding onto it now.
Go all out and replace it with something that’s mesh all over, like a full mesh bodysuit.
2. Ugly Cotton Maxi Skirts
There is literally not one flattering thing about a cheap cotton maxi skirt, yet every Saturday night, girls in clubs across America are raising their vodka crans, trying to make it happen. Like, congratulations. You’ve found a way to expose both kneecaps in something floor length. Throw it out.
However, a maxi skirt done properly can still give you total a total Jessa Johansson “I just bathed in the stream and then I ran through the field to dry off” vibe.
A long wrap skirt is such a step up. Just do not wear this to the club—that should be obvious but in times like these, I’ve got to take every precaution.
3. Caged Necklines
I’m not even throwing shade here, but I’m actually pretty certain that caged necklines were designed for flat-chested betches because they’re the only ones who can pull this off. However, this look is awful, so they shouldn’t even bother.
If you’re a betch with a B cup or lower, you can rock anything with a high neck and look amazing. Swap your creepy caged neckline out for literally any other high-neck bodycon.
Pretty Little Things Aniqah white high neck split detail bodycon dress
4. Dumb Bodysuits Like This One
I guess there’s nothing like, offensively wrong about wearing one of these, they’ve just kind of run their course. It’s kind of like how college couples always break up during the beginning of senior year. It’s not necessarily the worst thing ever, but it’s time to see what’s out there while you’re still hot enough to pull of a bodysuit.
This off-the-shoulder bodysuit is probably going to be the basic betch’s go-to top when invited to drink on a week night at the last minute.
Missguided petite scuba bardot bodysuit
5. Crop Tops With Weird Cutouts
“Damn, look at that one inch of exposed skin on that girl’s torso,” said nobody, ever. Crop tops with weird cutouts are pointless.
If you feel that you like, absolutely need an additional tiny strip of fabric on your crop top, at least go with something that has a tie or some sort of purpose. (And now I have Justin Bieber singing “Purpose” stuck in my head, which I’m so not mad about.)
