You know when you look at old photos of yourself and think “ew, why did I wear that?” Normally this occurs a few years after you wear a fugly outfit, but let’s be proactive this year. Lots of 2017 trends were totally disgusting, and in the interest of shit talking, I don’t think I can wait a few years to talk about it. Here are the absolute worst fashion trends of this year.
1. Clear Boots
Sure, clear boots looked cool when Kim Kardashian rocked them, but have you ever tried these on? Your nasty sweaty feet will fog them up almost immediately. Whoever thought Saran-wrapping your feet and adding a four-inch heel was a good idea is seriously disturbed.
2. Clear Panel Mom Jeans
As if clear boots weren’t enough to make you question your personal hygiene, Topshop released a pair of clear panel mom jeans back in the spring. Apparently, sweaty kneecaps are the fashion industry’s latest attempt at ruining our lives. The worst part is, these things actually sold out. Judging all of you.
3. Balenciaga Platform Crocs
Balenciaga’s take on the already ridiculously heinous Croc design was so bad, I originally assumed they were only created to inspire memes. Maybe they were. IDK. Have fun looking like a redneck Bratz doll.
— SSENSE (@SSENSE) November 9, 2017
4. The RompHim
I guess douchey frat boys got tired of wearing khaki pants and Vineyard Vines shirts, so they designed this stupid male romper as a desperate cry for attention. It kind of worked, but they look absolutely insane, so I certainly wouldn’t consider this a win for them.
5. Kitten Heels
In the world of fugly shit, kitten heels aren’t exactly new. However, I’ll never pass up a chance to dump on heels that are two inches and shorter. Lower heels were definitely a thing this year, but a straight-up kitten heel will never be okay. Yuck.
The year 2017 is just full of
nightmares surprises, and it looks like the year 2018 is going to carry on with that tradition thanks to Balenciaga, who tried to pawn off what anyone with eyes knows are Crocs as “foam shoes” during their 2018 spring fashion show for Paris Fashion Week. Umm…I’m sorry, but IDGAF what you want to call 10cm pink platform Crocs complete with flower widgets, but we the people know what these “foam shoes” really are: a monstrosity. There are some things that should have just been left in the early 2000s (chunky highlights, Donald Trump, etc.), and Crocs are definitely one of those things. I don’t care if I see a pair of these on the cover of Vogue being worn by both Hadid sisters and a Kardashian, we’re not going to make Croc-based fashion happen. It’s not going to happen.
That’s not to say that Crocs don’t have their place in the world. They’re perfectly fine for dads on vacation, the elderly, and days when you’re too hungover to move and have no immediate plans to leave the house, but these platform Crocs don’t even work in any of those circumstances. The point of Crocs is
to show the world you’ve given up comfort, and these things are too tall to actually be comfortable in any way. Crocs are house shoes, and nobody is wearing platform sandals around the house for shits and gigs.
What’s worse is that Balenciaga isn’t even the first high fashion brand to attempt to bring Crocs back into our lives. Christopher Kane also tried his version of a “fashionable Croc” (again, not a thing) last September, telling Vogue, “Crocs are arguably the most comfortable shoe, I love that they are slightly awkward and might be perceived by some as ‘ugly.'”
Umm..okay, so agreed about the comfort part, but “slightly awkward” and “might be perceived by some as ugly” are the understatements of the century. Crocs are more awkward than running into your ex on a date, and are perceived by all people as ugly. It’s one of the only things Americans can agree on. Balenciaga designer Demna Gvasalia also explained his
sick, twisted mind rationale to Vogue, telling them, “It’s a very innovative shoe. It’s light, it’s a one-piece foam mould and to me these kind of techniques and working with these kind of materials is very Balenciaga. In the future you will be able to 3-D print them at home because they are all one piece.”
Oh, now I get it. It’s just laziness. You want to be able to print a fuckload of shoes for 10 cents and sell them to
me dumb fucking fools for $400. Okay, Balenciaga. I see you. And honestly, I respect the hustle, but you’re gonna have to try it with a better shoe.