As we all learned yesterday, Kulture Kiari Cephus has made a grand entrance into the world. And apparently it’s not a rare strain of chlamydia, it’s a baby girl. Welcome to the world, Kulture! It’s a dumpster fire here, you’ll love it! If we’re being serious, though, this is a fucking heinous name that makes my ears bleed a little more each time I hear it. Soon I fear I will hemorrhage. Kulture is not even a name when you spell it CORRECTLY, Cardi B, and really, taking a page out of the Kardashian naming book? Sad! In other sad news, Kulture is not the only baby this year saddled with a name that will surely drive her to selling her own sex tape to TMZ approximately 18 years from now. So, let’s take a look back at the celebrity babies this year and rank them on how fucked up they will be based on their “names.” Because nothing is more fun than eviscerating innocent children, am I right? Obviously this list will go from “they’ll probably be fine” to “their first DUI arrest will be next week.”
TBH Crew is not the stupidest name I’ve ever heard. It just makes no sense with the Gaines naming philosophy, which is basically “all the boys get the same name and all the girls get the same name.” Seriously. Joanna and Chip Gaines’ other boys are named Drake and Duke, and their girls are Ella and Emmie. It’s like they picked one name they liked and when they went to put it on the birth certificate they were told they couldn’t use it again and so they switched some letters. So Crew just comes out of left field. I fear he will be screwed up because he knows he’s different than his siblings. He will grow up feeling like an outcast and will end up being a loser that goes to art school.
Let’s be real, Canon Curry will be fine. His dad is Steph Curry and he’s the only boy in his family, so I’m sure he’ll be the anointed one. But he’s going to have to deal with that annoying red squiggle on Microsoft Word for the rest of his life since that’s not how you spell Canon, STEPH! Too busy hitting three-pointers to check a dictionary, huh? Odds are that this name will drive poor Canon to insanity, or at the very least, make him a very bad speller. But I also can’t spell at all, and look how far I’ve gotten in life! I get to make fun of babies on the internet!
So I guess Pete Wentz is a big fan of The Avengers? Why couldn’t he have just gone to Target and gotten that Captain America shirt my brother wears every weekend? We wouldn’t doubt your fandom, Pete. Marvel will most certainly not be a Supreme Court justice, but will definitely be a mediocre Red Lobster waitress, quick with a sarcastic comeback and flush with a trust fund. And an “ironic” Thor tattoo on her upper thigh.
True Thompson is going to be the biggest fucking liar this world has ever met. Nothing she says will ever be true, and she will be her father’s daughter. True will burn through men like I burn through a family size bag of Lay’s sour cream and onion chips when I’m on my period. Expect at least five marriages, countless cheating scandals, and at least one shoplifting incident where she swears she just “forgot to pay” for the couture gown shoved in her bag.
Chicago West is a SUPER cute baby. Unfortunately, even that won’t be enough to save her from a life of butt implants, lip fillers, and a superiority complex. Chicago will see herself as the savior to her namesake city. Sadly, while running for mayor, her butt implants will explode, resulting in Chicago being forced to admit none of the Kardashian asses are real. Chicago will bring shame onto the entire family and will be forced to go into hiding and no one will ever see her again. There will be whispers Kris Jenner murdered her, but no claims will ever be substantiated.
The year Stormi was born, Stormy was also the name of the most famous porn star. Dare I say it’s prophetic? Moving on…
Ariana Sky Magro
If we’re being real for a minute, we all know that a name is probably only one factor in determining how fucked up a human being becomes, since Ariana is definitely the best celebrity baby name to come out of 2018. Know what’s a bigger factor in determining your future issues? If your mom allegedly dragged your father with a car while you sat in the back seat sucking your thumb. Or, say, if your father said he couldn’t turn your mother from a hoe into a housewife. Ariana Sky, our hopes for you do not reach the sky, they barely reach past the New Jersey state line. By the time she is a teenager, she will be a hybrid of the two grossest humans that ever existed and will have powers so evil and heinous she will destroy the world. May God have mercy on our souls.
Best of luck to these babies! I hope their lives don’t turn out how I’ve predicted, but I fear they will. And to all the parents out there, just remember—it’s never too late to legally change your baby’s name to Emily.
Images: Giphy (3)