Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: A White Trash Triathlon

Being in quarantine means we have lots of time to read about things going wrong while we’re sitting inside, in our daytime pajamas, living through a sort of dystopian hellscape. Yes, I’m mostly referring to reading the news, but I’m also talking about crazy wedding stories. Remember a time when things other than our country/ecomony/healthcare system were falling apart? Good times. For real, we feel super horrible for any bride who’s had to cancel or even postpone her big day because of COVID-19. But, to find a little silver lining, at least you could cancel your big day and not end up as a crazy wedding story submission on our site. Even the ‘rona can’t take away entitled, outrageous, or ill-equipped brides, and for that, we are thankful.

Which brings us to today’s story, submitted to us by a reader at [email protected]. It’s a sordid tale of love, wood chips, goose sh*t, and people drunk on jungle juice. Sounds like a frat party—but unfortunately for all who witnessed this unholy matrimony, it’s not.

Setting The Scene

This story starts out like so many others: with a bride asking her BFF to be in her wedding. Yay! It always seems like it won’t be a big undertaking, but, it will be a big undertaking. It’s always a f*cking big undertaking. Our submitter writes:

“This was my best friend’s wedding. I get asked to be a bridesmaid. I tell her to take her time planning the wedding and not to rush, but she decides to rush anyway, despite not having any money.

A week before the wedding, bride finally decides to visit the outdoor ceremony venue, knowing months prior that there would also be a fair starting on that same street an hour after, so people could be setting up early, and parking would be hard to find. She said she was going barefoot in a park, near water, where geese frequent. She has a full-on meltdown about how she’s screwed, even though she should have known, having been to this park many times throughout her life, knowing it’s near water, etc. Her parents, meanwhile, were planning to flatten their backyard for the tented reception, and never got any responses, so never pursued it further, and didn’t get the ground flattened, therefore a tent couldn’t go up. At this point, one week out, they have no ceremony or reception venue. The neighbours then decide to save the day, and suggest the ceremony be on their front lawn, and the tent can go on their back lawn, which is flattened and all gravel. The bride also originally planned on having no dance floor, so people could just ‘dance with bare feet on the grass’.”

I don’t know if “rushing” means trying to plan a wedding in six months orrrrr trying to plan a wedding in 10 weeks. Those are two v different things.

BUT, despite rushing, a bride going to visit her venue only ONE WEEK before a wedding is absolutely f*cking insane. I must have visited my venue five or six times in the year that we planned our wedding. This makes me think that there was no actual “venue” planned and the bride was planning to just roll up to the park with an entire wedding reception in tow.

And then to have to rely on neighbors to save the day with a backyard gravel reception? This is shaping up to be a whole disaster. I am a little sad that the reception didn’t actually take place in the park where people would have been slipping and falling because of goose sh*t. Darn.

Going Downhill

Naturally, things are only going to get worse from the rushed backyard planning debacle.

“Now, it’s 3 days out, with forecasted rain for the wedding day and two days prior, with no back-up for the ceremony or cocktail hour. The ground is a mud pit, so while the bride goes to get her nails done, I help her father, who was planning to SINGLE-HANDEDLY shovel 2 truckloads of wood chips and spread them within the tented area. Now, they’re worried about splinters, so her father, the male neighbour and I build a dance floor out of scrap wood (which was actually very structurally sound, surprisingly). At this point, I was getting 3-4 hours of sleep per night, while the husband-to-be didn’t even know what time the wedding started at until the day prior.”

First off, jazz snaps for the groom-to-be not knowing what time his own wedding was starting. I think, you’ll find, that most grooms are in the same boat with that one. Also, of COURSE the gravel pit would fill with water and mud. Sounds like a good time and right up the alley for a bride who wanted to dance barefoot in the grass. I mean, let’s just dance barefoot in the mud at that point. It sounds GREAT.

Also, is this submitter a guy or a really strong betch? Like, I wouldn’t be caught dead shoveling f*cking wood chips or building a dance floor out of scrap wood. What the f*ck am I? A lumberjack? I have a communications degree, which makes me 100% useless at anything involving the outdoors (except drinking on towels).

The Big Day

Did you think things would improve from here? Like the clusterf*ck that is the current state of our country, this wedding only gets worse.

“The wedding day arrives. It’s still raining slightly, still have no back-up plans, I’m running around like crazy trying to help. It stops raining right before the ceremony, the bride is yelling at her controlling aunt who was trying to tell people when to walk down the aisle (incorrectly), and they get married. I help run cocktail hour, which involved pouring bottles of vodka in with Hawaiian Punch and iced tea, while the other bridesmaids drank. As the reception starts, the now-husband walks into the tent with the bride trailing behind, which makes for an awkward moment for everyone.”

There are way too many wrongs here for me to even comment on half of them, but can we all take a moment to appreciate the mixture of Hawaiian Punch and vodka being served during cocktail hour? Like, between that, the handmade dance floor, and a mud pit, this is shaping up to be a white trash triathlon. God bless America! Although, judging by the extra “u’s” in some of these words, I’m guessing this wedding took place somewhere fancy, like Canada or England. Good to know they can be just as trashy as us!

A Reception To Remember

Yikes. As you can imagine, the reception isn’t really any better than the wedding.

“Night goes on, the step-father to the groom keeps making shots, citing his previous youth experience of being a bartender. At some point, my boyfriend disappears, and I assume it’s to go to the bathroom, because they only brought 2 porta-potties for the 100 guest wedding, which were very small. One of the bridesmaids and her boyfriend have started fighting, after having drank all night, and it gets physical. She punches him in the face, he tries to stop her, she rips his shirt, and my boyfriend (who weighs probably 40lbs less than either of them) tries to keep the peace. The bride eventually finds out through the grapevine, and leaves for the night, also yelling and mad.”

Is a wedding even a wedding without a fist fight? I don’t know what to feel, except that, my God, I wish I’d been there. Also, only having two Port-a-Potties at a wedding where you’re serving actual jungle juice sounds like a recipe for someone (me) throwing up in some bushes.

If nothing else, we give jazz snaps to the submitter of this story. It made us all forget about quarantine for a hot sec, and, hopefully, made some of you postponed wedding kids feel a little better for a few minutes. Kisses.

Images: Volker Vornehm / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (4)

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: A Literal Sh*t Show

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

If you’ve ever attended a truly atrocious wedding, at least once the pain and suffering is over, you can walk away knowing that you have internet gold. Such was the case with one of our Betches readers, who went through the wedding from hell and then lived to tell us the tale, via our submissions inbox.

I truly feel sorry for any of the guests that attended this monstrosity, which was made even more incredible by the clear disregard for the 200+ people who attended. Let this be a lesson to any of you planning a wedding: It’s your day, but your guests should have a good time, too. Or at the very least, they should have actual plumbing. The bar is not that high here.

It Begins

Our brave reader (who requested to remain anonymous to protect the guilty) begins: “I was invited as a +1 to the most awful wedding I’ve ever been to, so I feel no shame in sh*tting all over it. So the wedding took place in Vermont on Lake Champlain, which really sounded lovely at first. The location was very remote with the closest hotels being not close at all with no transportation offered, so guests were encouraged to camp. I was none too pleased about that, but the invite touted ‘premium’ outdoor restrooms, shower facilities, and stations set up with electricity and mirrors under the wedding tent for ladies to use to get ready before the ceremony, so I thought this would be more of a glamping situation.”

But it quickly got worse from there. “When we showed up to the campsite at the wedding venue, we realized that it wasn’t actually any kind of venue, but someone’s vacation house. The house didn’t even belong to any family of the bride or groom, but a family friend who let them use it for the weekend. So we were basically camping in someone’s front yard. I don’t think the homeowner had any idea how many people would be crammed into their house and yard, nor that they would completely trash the place by the end of the weekend. The most bizarre part of this is that BOTH the bride and groom’s families are pretty well-off, and the groom has a very well-paying job himself, but they afforded absolutely no cost for this dumpster fire of a wedding.”
I have a few questions: First, are you still with the guy that dragged you to this already-promising-to-be-a-monstrosity of a wedding? If he’s friends with people that would host something forcing a bunch of guests to camp in a front yard, I think that’s saying something. Secondly, I feel like some of us could suck it up for an outdoor wedding that had showers, mirrors, etc. so long as those things did, in fact, exist. It’d be like Coachella but like, without Beyoncé. If it were me, though, I’d say “f*ck that noise” and stay at one of those distant hotels and drive. Like, I’d rather be sober at the wedding than deal with whatever this sh*t is.

It’s All In The Details

Unfortunately for our submitter, this wedding is so, so, so much worse than camping in a front yard and having a “glamping” experience.
“Another thing we noticed immediately when we pulled up to the house was the all-encompassing stench of sh*t. Literal sh*t. They had JUST laid down fresh manure and you literally could not escape the smell, especially since we were camping OUTSIDE in this field of sh*t. The premium restroom facilities were TWO outhouses for their 200+ guests, and the showers were literally bags of water hung up along the back of a barn. No stalls or anything, just bags of water lined up out in the open that you had to squeeze to stream the water. Needless to say there was also no electricity nor mirrors for anyone to get themselves looking presentable after camping in a manure field. I actually do enjoy camping, but even the worst campsites provide more amenities than this. And for a WEDDING? F*ck no. At one point I went into the house to pee and the bride’s mom passive-aggressively told me there were bathrooms outside. I don’t think you can call those bathrooms, but thanks for the heads up!
At this point I’ve already cried like 4 times alone in my tent, not realizing it was going to get even worse. The day of the wedding, the bride’s family is running around like crazy still getting everything prepared. We were somehow tasked with picking up ice and alcohol for the wedding, which is weird considering we were merely guests, not even in the wedding party. Whatever. I pick up two massive bottles of wine for myself while we’re at it.
My boyfriend and I sneak into the house to shower and get ready after the bridal party had left to take pictures, as much as I wanted to show up looking like a steaming pile of trash just to make a point.”
I AM ROFLING. OK—can we all take a second to appreciate the absolute horror of the fact that whoever owned this house definitely thought it’d be f*cking hilarious to fertilize the lawn the day before 200+ guests showed up for a wedding? There’s no way that didn’t happen on purpose. Additionally, having two “outhouses” for that many people sounds like some medieval punishment, and I am not here for it. Who thought this was chill? Even the crunchiest of hippies would have been appalled by this situation, and I’m told those people LIVE for B.O. and sh*tting outside.
Another thing giving me life is the fact that these guests were asked to fetch items. I don’t care how self-important you perceive yourself to be, your wedding guests are not there to run errands for you. If you forgot the booze, that’s on you. Jazz snaps, though, for the OP getting herself some wine. I’d have been blackout five minutes after realizing I had to “camp”, so the fact she’s even still lucid is incredible to me. You are a strong, amazing woman.

Here Comes The Bride And The Sh*tshow

“So come time for the ceremony—we all start cramming onto the stairs leading down to the dock, which holds like 20 people. People are precariously perched on the steep, slippery ground around the stairs. It’s raining, we’re standing, and of course there’s no cover for the guests. Someone slips and falls, because it’s raining and muddy and steep.

God knows how they chose the officiant, who I think was someone’s aunt. She talks for way too f*cking long, and at some point tactlessly dives into the story of how the bride and groom broke up for a while to f*ck other people, but they found their way back to each other. How romantic!

Finally time to drink! The reception was at least held under a big tent covered from the rain. There wasn’t a plated meal, but instead a food truck out front. Because we weren’t sitting down to dinner, there were about 50 chairs available for the 200+ guests, all packed like sardines into this tent trying to take shelter from the rain. Half the tent was taken up by the band’s stage—made up of some unpaid friend of the bride. We were allowed to choose up to 2 options from the food truck menu for dinner, all of which were toddler-sized portions. If we wanted more, we had to get back in line to order more and hope the food truck guy didn’t recognize you. I was smart enough to be literally first in line to get food (no f*cking shame), but other guests waited in line for over an hour, in the pouring rain, just to eat half a meal.”

Can you, for one minute, picture a bunch of wedding guests, trying to look nice, half of them in heels, standing on a set of slippery stairs and mud and slowly—ever so slowly—losing their balance and slipping? This image is giving me actual life. A tent for a wedding is like, no biggie, but to have your guests standing because you forgot or didn’t budget for chairs is absolutely atrocious. Someone call whoever’s in charge of the Geneva Convention. This wedding is akin to a war crime. Oh, and submitter? GOOD FOR YOU being first in line for food. As someone who prides herself on being extra petty 90% of the time, I can tell we’d be best friends.

Adding Insult To Injury

And if you thought this wedding could not get worse. I have news for you. It does!

“Towards the end of the night, they ran out of alcohol, surprising no one. I asked the bride’s mom if there was any water, and she told me they ran out of that too, at least managing to seem a little apologetic. I had to sneak into the house again and stick my face under the kitchen faucet. Luckily I had managed to get drunk enough to pass out in my sh*t-smelling tent.

The day after the wedding, they host a brunch under the same tent that is now covered in mud and sh*t. Someone (probably a random guest) did a water and beer run, thankfully. The groom comes outside and immediately grabs a beer just to demonstrate how he can now pop a bottle cap with his wedding ring. I honestly think that was his main motivation for getting married. We got the f*ck out of there. Obviously.

THEY RAN OUT OF ALCOHOL. Those are words that should absolutely NEVER be associated with any party, wedding, outing, or even a quiet night at home. Jesus Christ. And to be out of water? I’m pretty sure this couple should be reported to the f*cking FBI. Someone could have, in all seriousness, gotten really sick or just been extra hungover. Where is the decency here?! Who are these people??

Also—how could you stay for brunch after all of this? What was the brunch? Did someone hunt down some wild berries and shoot a deer on the front lawn of this horror house? If this couple is still married, I’d like to know. I’d additionally really like to know if the submitter is in therapy after putting herself through the absolute horror show that was this wedding. I have PTSD just from reading about it.

Images: Fallon Michael / Unsplash; Giphy (5)

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: Puffy Sleeves, Macaroni Salad, & Pervy Dads

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

In case no one told you, planning a wedding is hard. As I have mentioned in about 87 other articles, I know firsthand how hard they are, so I am sympathetic to anyone going through this process because it will age you 100 years is a grueling one. To all of the ladies and gents who are just getting started, just remember that all a wedding is is a glorified party. I mean, unless Beyoncé accidentally stumbles in and decides to stay and sing a song during the reception, your rustic chic nuptials aren’t, like, that different from all of the other weddings we’ve all been forced happy to attend. Some, though, are so out-there that we can’t ignore them and must talk about them right this very second.

We received an email submission about a wedding that took place before most of you youths were even conceived, but it is so f*cking juicy that we couldn’t not cover the insanity that went down, so here we are. I was literally cringing the entire time I read it, and my neck is now sore from scrunching my shoulders up to my ears for however long it took me to get through the email. Honestly, worth it, though. Let’s get into it.

Our submitter writes: Jane was the first person in her family to go to college, but they all made fun of her until she dropped out. Fortunately, she met the love of her life, Derek, at that time, so she didn’t feel she needed school. He was a former high school jock now working in a gas station and she got a minimum wage at a retail job. Everyone’s happy. 

Good for Jane for being a first-generation college student and f*ck her hick family for making her feel bad about wanting to educate herself. Jane, honey, I know the ‘90s was a different time, but don’t perpetuate the stigma that women only need an education until we get a husband. However, high school me is giggling with glee that this once jock is now the creepy gas station guy with whom you don’t want to make eye contact when the pump eats your debit card. Ya truly love to see it… unless your friend is dating the jock-turned-gas-station-guy. And it’s not all sunshine and rainbows:

Dereck was the f*cking worst. He was totally controlling, jealous, abusive, and he cheated. Sometimes in front of her. She obviously wasn’t allowed to have friends or make plans or do anything that didn’t involve him. And she was required to speak to him entirely in baby talk. To this day I think of him as “Dewek.”

Hold. The. Phone. Ew that she “obviously” wasn’t allowed to have friends or do anything at all without getting her keeper’s boyfriend’s permission? Gross. I honestly don’t even know what to say about the baby talk thing because the second I read that, my bacon, egg and cheese started to creep its way back up my throat. I don’t even like when babies do baby talk, so count me the f*ck out when adults do it. These dudes always turn out to be serial killers. Run, Jane, run!! 

You In Danger Girl

Unfortunately, she did not run. In fact, the opposite.

Seven years later, they get engaged, but she and I have grown apart. I’ve moved away and I’m finishing my second degree while she’s barely been allowed to talk to me. Plus Dewek is her only topic of conversation anyway. She seriously DNGAF what’s going on in my life, but for some reason, she asks me to be her maid of honor. 

I’m no therapist, but this is textbook jealousy. You represent all of the things she could have been—chief among those things is educated. The maid of honor thing is definitely weird, but maybe she wants to make a big gesture to invite you back into her life and maybe help her escape Dewek? Who knows at this point, though.

Now, the next bit may be hard for the ’00s babies to understand, but use your imaginations and bear with me, kay?

This is in the late 90s, but Jane is HELLA 80s: like perm, spiked bangs, the works. She comes to the big city I’m living in with her four other bridesmaids to spend the weekend dragging us to various bridal shops trying to find the perfect puffed sleeves, off-the-shoulder, dusty rose scary-ass 80s crap that we will all be paying for ourselves. Huge fights ensue, one of Jane’s sisters is a vicious witch to every sales girl, and we all go home without dresses. Eventually Jane orders dresses from some boutique in her small town without any input from the bridesmaids and mine arrives six days before the wedding and is a size too small, so I start starving myself to fit into it. 

Drama, drama, drama. Ugh, starving yourself is never the answer. Stand up to your friend and tell her you don’t feel comfortable wearing an ugly dress that’s too small! Also, this is how I’m picturing these dresses:

rachel green bridesmaid

Then comes the wedding weekend. Turns out that the five bridesmaids were expected to fully create the entire wedding, including cleaning, setting up and decorating the “hall,” and cooking all the food! Apparently this was so obviously our job that no one thought to mention it to us. First, the hall. It was the local small town community center GYM. Like, lines on the floor for soccer and basketball, and no less than six basketball hoops. All five bridesmaids were sweeping, mopping, setting up folding tables and chairs, and blowing up hundreds of white balloons for two hours, and then climbing ladders to try and hide the hoops with the balloons. All while the five groomsmen stood outside and smoked. 

I am so over all of these brides asking their guests/bridal parties to cook and clean! I don’t even like asking my roommate to do that on any given Tuesday because I feel like I’m Miss Hannigan-ing her, so asking my friends to clean/cook for my wedding is out of the question. But at the very least, you would think the bride and groom would tell them??? I wish I could say this is the first time I’ve heard such an outrageous request, but this happens in almost every crazy wedding story we do! WTF??? 

Then back to Jane’s parents’ house where, it turns out, the five bridesmaids were expected to make food for 100 guests in the parents’ tiny kitchen the night before the wedding! The only thing I clearly remember was sitting on a wooden chair at 2am with a huge plastic bucket full of macaroni salad between my legs, which I was stirring with my whole arm. No one seemed to think this was strange or unhygienic. Then we were all given mattresses on the basement floor to sleep on.

If I was in this bridal party, now is right about when I would have staged a coup and/or dipped immediately. Whichever takes less energy. Macaroni salad at a Fourth of July cookout, yum! Macaroni salad at a wedding? Nope! Also, the mattresses on the basement floor is giving me serious American Horror Story vibes and I’m a little scared to keep going. 

Three hours of sleep later, we’re all up and getting ready. I’m exhausted and still not eating much because I want to fit in my dress. Jane’s dad, the one who has known me since I was eight years old, is hitting on me. I spent most of the day backed into corners so he’d stop stroking my ass. Jane’s mom has quite reasonably decided that this is my fault, so she is being an utter bitch to me. Jane is demanding that I help her stick maxi pads to the underarms of her dress because she has chosen a long-sleeved, high-necked, massive tulle-skirted monstrosity of a wedding dress, and it is 104 degrees outside. 

All I have to say about the dad is:

yikes

Re: the maxi pad situation… try antiperspirant, I guess? Don’t even get me started on the dress because it sounds like a direct assault to the eyes. Every bride has her own unique style, but this thing sounds offensive. 

The reception for me is blurry. It’s a cash bar, but as mentioned I hadn’t eaten for five days so I started drinking right away and I don’t remember anything after the first 10 mins, except for being expected to go into the small metal stalls in the bathroom with the bride to hold her massive skirts up while she peed. 

Ok, to be fair, it’s one of the more unfortunate tasks involved in being a maid of honor, but you are required to hold up the bride’s dress while she pees. However, my sympathy ends there. Cash bars at weddings shouldn’t be allowed. People are coming from far away, buying outfits, getting you gifts, etc. for your wedding, so the least the couple can do is let them drink for free. 

The reception ended just as I started to sober up (I ran out of cash) and that’s when I learned that the bridesmaids were solely responsible for cleaning the hall. In our frothy ‘80s dresses and sh*tty dyed-to-match heels. In 100-degree weather. We had to sweep and mop again, pack all the leftover food back into buckets, clean the bathrooms, put the tables and chairs away, and climb ladders to take down the balloons. The groomsmen obviously stayed outside and smoked. Jane’s dad continued to sexually assault me throughout. I finally sat down from sheer exhaustion and Jane’s mom arrived immediately to tell me to “get off your lazy ass and help.” 

I’m sorry, but wouldn’t the bride be excruciatingly embarrassed that her dad is literally sexually harassing her maid of honor and do something about it? Like????? Anyway, wtf is with the bridesmaids having to do all of the heavy lifting for this piece of sh*t wedding? Where did the bride and groom even go? And if the wedding is over, why are the groomsmen just standing around smoking still? Enjoy lung cancer, boys! All I have to say about the bride’s mom yelling at the MOH is that she can get off her lazy ass and control her disgusting husband’s hands. But more importantly, WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST LEAVE?? Were they being held at this wedding against their will? I truly don’t understand the lengths people will go to because they feel bad/want to avoid conflict.

I passed out on my basement floor mattress as soon as we got back to the parents’ house, and then got up early and left before the gift-opening. I must have been otherwise disappointing and/or offensive I guess, because Jane never spoke to me again. A mutual friend told me though that the marriage lasted eight months. 

LOL. Eight f*cking months. I’m dead. The fact that she even went to the wedding after the whole bridesmaid dress situation is pretty impressive, so she clearly wasn’t that disappointing. I am fully obsessed with this and need to know what the divorcées are up to. 

Can you top that craziness? Prove it! Submit your crazy wedding story to [email protected] with the subject line “Crazy Wedding Story”!

Images: NBC; Giphy (3)

4 Insane Wedding Stories That Will Give You Life

I love the internet sometimes. Wedding and psycho bride stories are the gifts that keep right on giving, and I’m here to write about and make fun of them. Talk about a dream gig. I’m not saying I’m without fault here; I definitely had my own psycho bride moments. I may or may not have ordered 30 umbrellas, then called the company threatening them that they better arrive in 24 hours because there was a 10% chance of rain on my wedding day. Spoiler alert: It didn’t rain and I then had to return 30 umbrellas. But that’s neither here nor there. Today, we’re thanking Birch Event Design, an amazing wedding and event design and planning company, for sharing with us some truly insane wedding stories. Y’all are doing the Lord’s work.

Here we’ve gathered four of Birch Design’s favorite crazy wedding stories for your reading pleasure. Remember: If you don’t act like an entitled psycho on your wedding day or leading up to it, you won’t end up on the internet! Kisses.

A Literal Circus

circus

Every wedding is a goddamn circus, but some people just take it to the actual next level. I don’t mean, like, there are 13 bridesmaids and a 20-tiered cake and six dress changes. No, I mean there’s an actual circus complete with animals and acrobats and whatever the f*ck else going on at your nuptials. And they say white people have no culture. But Birch Event Design told us about this particular wedding which, yes, included a f*cking circus, but also almost became a circus when the venue completely sh*t the bed. Read on…

“A recent bride and groom had outrageous ideas for their wedding including acrobats and aerialists, fireworks, a ferry ride, etc.—all in New York City! But no, none of these caused any hiccups or issues. It was the ceremony that was set to be on NYC Parks property, right outside the venue . With 30 minutes to spare before the bride walked down the aisle, the chairs lined up and a gorgeous floral backdrop in place, NYC Parks officers ordered everything to be removed immediately. It turned out the venue did not have the proper permits. Scrambling, we asked a local restaurant for permission to use their outdoor space with a view of the New York Harbor. They said yes! With all hands on deck, we carried the entire ceremony backwall and 200 chairs about 400 yards to the water, and the ceremony started on time.”

First of all, I find it hilarious that the acrobats and aerialists did not cause the issue here. It was, instead, the lack of permits needed to have a large outdoor wedding in a public space in New York City. Am I high, or should that have been checked on BEFORE the day of the wedding? Like, did the venue lie about having said permits? Inquiring minds need to know. Guess we all learned our lesson to double check e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

What Prenup?

I personally thought that prenups were just something for overly rich people who like, knew for sure that they’d probably end up divorced. Nope, apparently not. Birch Event Design told us about this amazing moment when the groom got super pissed about hearing about this supposed prenup for the umpteenth time. 

“At one event, the groom punched the father of the bride…in the face. The couple was meant to sign a prenup before the wedding and never did, and when they were signing their marriage contract, the prenup was casually mentioned. The father of the bride was being very sarcastic, making passive-aggressive comments, and the groom turned around and punched him in the face. The couple is still married to this day, but they never speak about their wedding.”

I am dying. The fact that this couple literally doesn’t want to or can’t talk about their wedding to this day is hilarious. Also, I feel like they can now never get divorced because it would just prove the father of the bride right, and we all know that, at the end of the day, pride is the most important thing of all.

A Runaway Groom

I feel like everyone gets cold feet right before their wedding. Like, this sh*t is (supposed to be) for life. You are literally about to tie your wellbeing and personhood to another human being. That’s f*cking terrifying. Apparently, for this groom, it was almost too much to handle. 

“We’ll never forget when a groom refused to walk down the aisle. He was having cold feet, and was very high strung the entire day. The guests were seated at the ceremony, waiting for it to begin, but the groom was not in sight. We found him in his room and let him know he had to walk down the aisle. He was very adamant about having a cigarette, and walked outside to smoke. We watched him closely the entire time, and we noticed he started to walk away into the parking lot. We ran after him and asked him what was going on. ‘I can’t do this now, I’ll do it tomorrow,’ he said. We ultimately had to pull him back into the building and remind him, in the nicest way possible, that he was getting married that minute.”

I picture this guy like that v relatable pic of Ben Affleck, just trying to run from it all:

Right?! The guy just needs a break. I find it extra funny that the Birch folks LITERALLY had to watch and guard said groom from making a break for it. How does the bride feel knowing all this? Like, my now-husband got sh*thoused the night before our wedding, spent the whole morning throwing up, then, when I got to the top of the aisle, looked at me and said, “You look beautiful. I love you. I may throw up.” That sh*t’s pretty funny now, but I have a hard time believing I’d ever be 100% over knowing that my intended nearly RAN AWAY the day of our wedding.

More Flowers, Fam

Every bride has those last-minute wants and needs. Like, “ugh, I should have bought more eucalyptus for the ceremony space” or “dammit, I wish I’d decided to grab a second pair of shoes because these are f*cking brutal.” Like, we get it. But Birch Event Design spilled the tea about a bride who literally decided on an elaborate change the day of her wedding.

“At the last minute, a client requested a never-before-seen flower wall for their wedding. And by last minute, we don’t mean a week before or a day before—we mean 4 hours before the start of the wedding. We had discussed creating one previously, but they decided against it. When the couple finally walked into their elaborate ballroom, they changed their minds and asked if we can put one together. No big deal! We propped up an extra triangular mirrored table and covered the entire surface in white flowers (that we ran around to find.) We finished with time to spare, thanks to our unbelievable team.”

What planet am I on? The audacity of this couple to ask event planners to go through an elaborate change THE DAY OF THE WEDDING is beyond me. Like, I get a little change here or there—move Aunt Milly next to cousin Bob or away from Grandma —that sh*t is reasonable. But to decide against a trend like a flower wall and then change your mind AS THE WEDDING IS STARTING is absolutely insane. I’m also kind of stunned that this all worked out, so jazz snaps for Birch Event Design. Still, have some respect for your event planners and the people working to make your dreaaaaaam wedding a reality.

Images: Sweet Ice Cream Photography, Unsplash; Giphy (4)