Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

Do you ever sometimes just want to be a bride for a day so you have the “excuse” to act like a batsh*t psycho, be mean to little kids, and tell everyone it’s YOUR SPECIAL DAY? Me too. I was already a bride, though, so my time has come and gone. So instead, I’ll have to stick to living vicariously through demanding internet brides, which is why we started a Crazy Wedding Story of the Week series. If you missed the inaugural Crazy Wedding Story, click here. If you’re caught up because you live for this stuff as much as I do, then get ready. The subject of today’s crazy bride story made little kids cry, which, #goals, and also, #respect. Let’s just dive right in, because I don’t have all day.

WTF Happened?

Posted in the AITA subreddit (Am I The Asshole, for those of you who don’t internet quite so hard as I do), a bride felt she had to “choose” between two flower girls and her methods for choosing were, in a word, shallow. Things spiraled from there.

She writes:

“Got married last weekend and had a lovely day, but had some commotion early on the wedding day.

For flower girl, we had a choice between my two nieces, Amber and Katie. They’re both eight and it was a tough decision. Unfortunately for my perfect day I felt shallow and since Amber has more of a typical angelic ”cute” appearance (very long hair, glasses, big smile) I picked her. Her parents also convinced me she deserved it because she got top marks in some assessment her school did.

During the wedding prep Katie and her dad (my brother) kept telling me that Amber had been bullying her about the fact she didn’t get the job. The girls have never liked each other for reasons I don’t know. I didn’t pay too much mind to it since I was too caught up in myself.”

Alright, this starts out tame enough. I mean, I’m not really grasping why this woman couldn’t just have two flower girls, but I guess we wouldn’t have a Reddit thread to make fun of then, would we? Also, I’m dying at the fact that the bride admits she was feeling shallow and that she actually pretended to give a f*ck about Amber getting good grades. We all know that didn’t even remotely affect your decision. Just say you were doing it for the pictures and keep it moving.

The Bully Battle

Because 8-year-old girls are some of the meanest creatures known to man, naturally, they start bullying each other and it takes a wild turn.

“On the wedding morning I got to witness the bullying myself and it was pretty cruel. Amber (and keep in mind this is an eight year old child) told Katie that she’d never get married because she’s too ugly. I could imagine how upsetting this would be for a child and I made Amber apologise and also took away the flower girl job and gave it to Katie. Amber was crying throughout the wedding day, and for the past days I haven’t heard anything from her dad my other brother.”

First off, jazz snaps for the classy Queen’s English spellings (I assume this epic Reddit thread was written from the UK, and like to imagine that Kate Middleton is actually the author). Secondly, LOL at switching flower girls ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING. Like, could you not just say “hey, now we have two flower girls and you have to share because being an asshole gets you nowhere in life.”

Additionally, I have SO many questions related to hair, makeup, and dresses for these little monsters. Didn’t Amber already have a dress? Had she already rehearsed exactly how to walk down the aisle and use her cuteness to charm literally everyone? How would Katie know what to do? Did she have something acceptable to wear? Did she make Amber give her the dress? Are they even the same size??? *Takes deep, calming breaths* you’re right, I’m too deep into this story. But somebody has got to ask the important questions.

The Aftermath

Now everyone’s mad and nobody wins, except, I guess, the bride, who’s about to experience a super fun honeymoon without any (literal) middle school drama. OR SO WE THOUGHT:

“My husband and I are going away on our honeymoon on Thursday, and i was anxious to get in touch with my brother before we leave. He finally called me and was extremely angry at me for taking the job away from his daughter. He said Amber has been crying the past two days and felt really humiliated, and was really looking forward to the job.

As someone who was bullied myself growing up, it felt like the right thing to do after Amber’s behaviour towards Katie. I can’t imagine how upsetting those comments would be, and at that point Katie, who had never been anything other than well behaved deserved it more than Amber.”

OK, there’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, I get the brother being mad that his kid got shafted out of flower girl duties at the last minute. However, he needs to recognize that number one, this is not a big deal at all, but number two and more importantly, his kid was, without mincing words, a total asshole. I feel like this is a valuable parenting/teaching moment. I get the impulse to deflect responsibility, but your kid is not going to get anywhere in life if they never face consequences for sh*tty behavior.

Also, where are Katie’s parents in all this? I feel for this kid. Someone buy her a stuffed animal or some cotton candy!

The post author, our bride, has been voted an asshole, for those who are interested. I’m inclined to agree if ONLY for the fact that both girls should have been flower girls to begin with. (To her credit, and not to pile on her too much, the bride says that she just genuinely did not think to have two flower girls.) Also, she was kind of an asshole for picking a kid strictly based on cuteness instead of whether or not she was a mini Regina George. I do hope, though, that these third grade monsters and their parents don’t ruin this bride’s honeymoon. Nobody deserves that for a “job” that is just scattering some flower petals.

Images: Shutterstock.com / Unsplash; Giphy (2)

Another day, another wacky wedding story thanks to the people who post their problems on Reddit for me to read and laugh at while I’m supposed to be working. I don’t know about you, but nothing truly gives me life quite like stupid wedding etiquette questions that seem pretty cut and dry to those of us who have, like, common sense. Today’s wedding story, though, is a little less black-and-white than our usual “Am I a bridezilla for telling my Maid of Honor to terminate her pregnancy so she does not appear pregnant in my wedding photos?” type stories. Let’s just get right into it, with a problem I’m dubbing “Mo’ Titties Mo’ Problems.” You’ll see why in a sec. Here’s the dilemma she posted on the Am I The Asshole subreddit, or r/amitheasshole. It involves a bra, a blue dress, some really stupid questions, and some fun word play. Let’s go.

The Setup

So, our OP posted this f*cking novel to the AITA subreddit, and has been officially voted an asshole. For the uninitiated, Am I The Asshole (or AITA as it’s lovingly called) is pretty self-explanatory. People write in about various scenarios that have happened to them, and the good people of Reddit decide who was the asshole in that situation. So, strap in and get ready to judge strangers—our favorite pastime!

Here’s the rundown from the OP herself. Please note, all spelling and (atrocious) grammar has been left as-is:

“My boyfriend’s (M27) brother is getting married. I (F22) often don’t wear bras (free the titty). I wear them to work, in a (business) professional setting, but if I’m going out with friends and family I don’t wear them. My boobs aren’t huge enough to where the flop everywhere, but I’m not flat chested either. My boyfriend has informed me that his brother’s fiancé has requested I wear a bra at the wedding, quoting ‘I don’t want no free range titties.’ Their family really looks down on it and thinks I’m a hippie heathen that has abandoned God and is motor-boating Satan.

I respect that 100%, it’s her day. However I’m trying to match my boyfriend’s attire, which is blue. I even dyed my hair to his color as well. The dress (blue) that best fits for the wedding (I have no time or money to buy a new one) is not designed to have a bra. I have a few other dresses, but they’re white (big no). I have a black dress as well but I wore that to their grandma’s funeral (so also no). I have other dresses/gowns but they’re very fancy and I don’t want to out dress the bride.”

First off, this has got to be a troll post, but for my own amusement, I’ll pretend this is real. People do tend to do crazy things, so I guess this story could be true—but just know that I’m proceeding with caution, so don’t @ me in the comments that this post is “obviously fake”. Now that we’ve covered that aspect, there are a couple of things to unpack here—like how the bride is so morally offended by the existence of breasts but has no objections to this girl dying her hair blue to match her boyfriend’s outfit. Seems like a weird hill to die on (or dye on, lol) but ok.

But let’s talk about the problem at hand. Or, more accurately, the problem at chest. (Okay, you’re right, I’ll stop now.) On the one hand, I have a feeling that if this bride is specifically requesting OP wear a bra, her situation is more noticeable than she makes it seem. However, let’s please give this girl a Pulitzer for the phrase “motor-boating Satan.” I don’t know what exactly it is or why it works, but it speaks to my soul and has sparked joy.

On the other hand, does anybody else find it a little ridiculous that the bride went out of her way to ask one guest to wear a bra? “Free range titties” or no, it’s a weird thing to do. Like, I would think she would be too preoccupied with, ya know, getting married, picking out flowers, avoiding her future mother-in-law, etc. to care about one guest’s body. Also, I struggle to see how this is THAT big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Maybe, as the groom’s brother’s girlfriend, she’ll be in some pictures, but the OP isn’t a bridesmaid, so it’s not like she’s going to be in every single shot.

The Solutions

The OP then goes on to explain why she reallyyyy just cannot wear a bra, no matter how much she may want to.

“I’ve put on the bra with the dress, but it’s terrible and more offensive. You can see the straps and side of the bra, and a tube is still visible too. Even a cardigan can’t cover it fully. It’s not a provocative dress either, it wraps around the neck and shows some side boob but everything else is covered. No shoulder, hence seeing the straps of the bra. I have a bra with fancy straps and I’m thinking about just going French style (France sees bra straps as an accessory, compared to america’s ‘hey your strap is showing’).

Would I be an a*shole if I just taped my nipples and wore the dress? Or should I wear the most off white dress I own? I honestly don’t mind wearing a bra for the wedding, but the dress I would most like to wear isn’t made for a bra.

While I thought it wasn’t her place to say what I can and can’t wear, it is her WEDDING. Soooo… what do I wear?”

Honey, this is 2019. You have options outside of “wear a bra that will completely be visible” or “expose your free-range titties even though the bride specifically requested you not do that.” The Reddit community seems to think OP is the asshole in this situation, since her ultimatum has become “I’ll wear no bra with this dress I like” or “I’ll wear this white/off-white dress with a bra and piss everyone off even more.”

Also an important question: Has the OP ever heard of chicken cutlets? Strapless bras? Like, there are alternatives here.

The Verdict

The OP has since commented on the post and said she WAS thinking about wearing the sticky boob cutlets, but hadn’t considered them a “bra.” In this case, I think they would count. I feel like the bride is really just asking the OP to get a little support.

Reddit thought the OP was the asshole, with the top comment from u/kaitou1011 saying, “YTA because you’ve created a dichotomy of ‘I wear this dress or something much worse’ and ‘I wear this dress with a visible bra or with no bra at all.'” They continue, “You’ve picked a dress for the wedding, it seems, with the express excuse of going against the one thing they’ve asked you, and it seems pretty deliberate. You’ve got lots of other options, like buying a new dress that doesn’t have this problem (especially considering if there’s sideboob it’s probably not appropriate for a wedding of people who think not wearing a bra makes you a hippie heathen whose abandoned God and is motorboating Satan.). There are also some age-old tricks for hiding bras under revealing dresses, as well as actual products meant for that purpose like strapless bras or that one backless bra thing you can buy online for like five bucks which also gives really great cleavage too. But seriously, just go buy an appropriate dress at freaking WalMart.

I can see this point. It seems like this person wrote this entire post to Reddit just so that strangers could validate her choice, and had no intention to ever acquiesce to the bride’s request. We hate a validation post over on AITA. Reddit is a fickle beast, and the commenters do not always side with the OP.

That said, personally, I think both the OP and the bride are the assholes. The OP for the reasons laid out, and the bride for making this weird body-shaming request in the first place. It would be one thing if the bride asked nicely and acknowledged that this is a strange and low-key rude request, but she went about it pretty poorly, if OP’s account is to be believed. Also, the internet typically rules against brides who try to dictate their bridesmaids’ appearances, and I don’t see why this is any different. If you ask me, the bride is the bigger asshole for making a huge deal about something that probably won’t even matter. Sadly, we’ll never know what ended up happening, because OP has not provided an update.

Do you think the bride was the asshole, or the OP? Do you have any insane wedding stories to share? Let me know in the comments!

Images: Fahad Waseem / Unsplash

I love the internet sometimes. Wedding and psycho bride stories are the gifts that keep right on giving, and I’m here to write about and make fun of them. Talk about a dream gig. I’m not saying I’m without fault here; I definitely had my own psycho bride moments. I may or may not have ordered 30 umbrellas, then called the company threatening them that they better arrive in 24 hours because there was a 10% chance of rain on my wedding day. Spoiler alert: It didn’t rain and I then had to return 30 umbrellas. But that’s neither here nor there. Today, we’re thanking Birch Event Design, an amazing wedding and event design and planning company, for sharing with us some truly insane wedding stories. Y’all are doing the Lord’s work.

Here we’ve gathered four of Birch Design’s favorite crazy wedding stories for your reading pleasure. Remember: If you don’t act like an entitled psycho on your wedding day or leading up to it, you won’t end up on the internet! Kisses.

A Literal Circus

Every wedding is a goddamn circus, but some people just take it to the actual next level. I don’t mean, like, there are 13 bridesmaids and a 20-tiered cake and six dress changes. No, I mean there’s an actual circus complete with animals and acrobats and whatever the f*ck else going on at your nuptials. And they say white people have no culture. But Birch Event Design told us about this particular wedding which, yes, included a f*cking circus, but also almost became a circus when the venue completely sh*t the bed. Read on…

“A recent bride and groom had outrageous ideas for their wedding including acrobats and aerialists, fireworks, a ferry ride, etc.—all in New York City! But no, none of these caused any hiccups or issues. It was the ceremony that was set to be on NYC Parks property, right outside the venue . With 30 minutes to spare before the bride walked down the aisle, the chairs lined up and a gorgeous floral backdrop in place, NYC Parks officers ordered everything to be removed immediately. It turned out the venue did not have the proper permits. Scrambling, we asked a local restaurant for permission to use their outdoor space with a view of the New York Harbor. They said yes! With all hands on deck, we carried the entire ceremony backwall and 200 chairs about 400 yards to the water, and the ceremony started on time.”

First of all, I find it hilarious that the acrobats and aerialists did not cause the issue here. It was, instead, the lack of permits needed to have a large outdoor wedding in a public space in New York City. Am I high, or should that have been checked on BEFORE the day of the wedding? Like, did the venue lie about having said permits? Inquiring minds need to know. Guess we all learned our lesson to double check e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

What Prenup?

I personally thought that prenups were just something for overly rich people who like, knew for sure that they’d probably end up divorced. Nope, apparently not. Birch Event Design told us about this amazing moment when the groom got super pissed about hearing about this supposed prenup for the umpteenth time. 

“At one event, the groom punched the father of the bride…in the face. The couple was meant to sign a prenup before the wedding and never did, and when they were signing their marriage contract, the prenup was casually mentioned. The father of the bride was being very sarcastic, making passive-aggressive comments, and the groom turned around and punched him in the face. The couple is still married to this day, but they never speak about their wedding.”

I am dying. The fact that this couple literally doesn’t want to or can’t talk about their wedding to this day is hilarious. Also, I feel like they can now never get divorced because it would just prove the father of the bride right, and we all know that, at the end of the day, pride is the most important thing of all.

A Runaway Groom

I feel like everyone gets cold feet right before their wedding. Like, this sh*t is (supposed to be) for life. You are literally about to tie your wellbeing and personhood to another human being. That’s f*cking terrifying. Apparently, for this groom, it was almost too much to handle. 

“We’ll never forget when a groom refused to walk down the aisle. He was having cold feet, and was very high strung the entire day. The guests were seated at the ceremony, waiting for it to begin, but the groom was not in sight. We found him in his room and let him know he had to walk down the aisle. He was very adamant about having a cigarette, and walked outside to smoke. We watched him closely the entire time, and we noticed he started to walk away into the parking lot. We ran after him and asked him what was going on. ‘I can’t do this now, I’ll do it tomorrow,’ he said. We ultimately had to pull him back into the building and remind him, in the nicest way possible, that he was getting married that minute.”

I picture this guy like that v relatable pic of Ben Affleck, just trying to run from it all:

Right?! The guy just needs a break. I find it extra funny that the Birch folks LITERALLY had to watch and guard said groom from making a break for it. How does the bride feel knowing all this? Like, my now-husband got sh*thoused the night before our wedding, spent the whole morning throwing up, then, when I got to the top of the aisle, looked at me and said, “You look beautiful. I love you. I may throw up.” That sh*t’s pretty funny now, but I have a hard time believing I’d ever be 100% over knowing that my intended nearly RAN AWAY the day of our wedding.

More Flowers, Fam

Every bride has those last-minute wants and needs. Like, “ugh, I should have bought more eucalyptus for the ceremony space” or “dammit, I wish I’d decided to grab a second pair of shoes because these are f*cking brutal.” Like, we get it. But Birch Event Design spilled the tea about a bride who literally decided on an elaborate change the day of her wedding.

“At the last minute, a client requested a never-before-seen flower wall for their wedding. And by last minute, we don’t mean a week before or a day before—we mean 4 hours before the start of the wedding. We had discussed creating one previously, but they decided against it. When the couple finally walked into their elaborate ballroom, they changed their minds and asked if we can put one together. No big deal! We propped up an extra triangular mirrored table and covered the entire surface in white flowers (that we ran around to find.) We finished with time to spare, thanks to our unbelievable team.”

What planet am I on? The audacity of this couple to ask event planners to go through an elaborate change THE DAY OF THE WEDDING is beyond me. Like, I get a little change here or there—move Aunt Milly next to cousin Bob or away from Grandma —that sh*t is reasonable. But to decide against a trend like a flower wall and then change your mind AS THE WEDDING IS STARTING is absolutely insane. I’m also kind of stunned that this all worked out, so jazz snaps for Birch Event Design. Still, have some respect for your event planners and the people working to make your dreaaaaaam wedding a reality.

Images: Sweet Ice Cream Photography, Unsplash; Giphy (4)