I tell you, the quarantine has brought out the best and the worst in people. And by “people” I’m not talking about your crazy Aunt Cheryl’s return to Facebook, I’m talking about the plague upon humanity that is Bachelor Nation. I think it’s safe to say I’m always talking about The Bachelor, mmkay? While the most exciting thing in our day-to-day lives has been getting dressed up to take the dog out to poop three times a day, ABC’s children of the corn have been treating quarantine like their own personal PR playground. They heard “pandemic” and instead of thinking of new ways to relax and reset, they’re out here finding new and creative ways to stay relevant even though absolutely no one asked them to. So, without further ado, here are the thirstiest people in Bachelor Nation right now, who really need to do less.
Chad Johnson
Am I surprised that Chad Johnson is using this pandemic to extend his 15 minutes of fame? No, not at all. Do I want to see it, though? Also no, not at all. Surprisingly, Chad isn’t pulling the move I thought he would and starting Twitter fights with a new person in Bachelor Nation every two days, but he is promoting his OnlyFans real hard. It’s apparently now free, which I think kind of defeats the purpose of having an OnlyFans?
Just made a new FREE OnlyFans account! Check it out! 😈https://t.co/n6G9BInqoY
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) April 2, 2020
He also apparently bought domain names for various Bachelor alums. He really is the Martin Shkreli of Bachelor Nation. I’m not going to click any of the links, because I don’t want to give Chad the satisfaction, but I would imagine they just redirect to his OnlyFans page.
Who has a better website? Kelsey Weier? Chase Mcnary? Hannah Ann? Or Derek Peth? Or Robby Hayes? Personally I like all of them.https://t.co/2S2HD0fvB3https://t.co/xSDBBKrqrDhttps://t.co/uogKYUt3Jshttps://t.co/nAKMFtiPPrhttps://t.co/tmHxuN1WLn#TheBachelor
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) March 18, 2020
You guys: Say OnlyFans again.
Me:
Clare Crawley
Poor Clare. America’s favorite spinster was just a few weeks away from finding her happy ending with all of those post-Bachelorette sponsorships, when the world shut down due to a global pandemic. If that’s not the most Clare thing to ever happen to a person, then I don’t know what is. But Clare has been staying strong and clinging to her relevance harder than I’ve been clinging to the idea that I still have 4th of July plans. When COVID first hit and ABC announced that her season would be postponed, she took to Twitter to reignite a feud with her Bachelor ex Juan Pablo. More recently, Clare hopped on Instagram to announce that she still has the dress she was dumped in on national television six years ago. That would be special if I didn’t 100% believe all contestants are contractually obligated to keep those for 10 years after their season is over lest ABC miss an opportunity to exploit the most painful and humiliating moment of their life for their own personal gain.
While I appreciate Clare’s efforts to remain relevant, her tactics just feel tired. Starting sh*t with your ex from six years ago on a public platform? Posting about your hoe clothes from the past?? These are things I would have done in college, and all it earned me was pitying looks from my sorority’s Safety and Wellness chair.
Hannah Ann Sluss
I feel for Hannah Ann, I really do. She did all the right things while competing for Peter’s heart. She laughed at all of his jokes, she cried when she was supposed to, she let Peter talk her into recreating that scene from Titanic during their Fantasy Suite date, and she didn’t even look repulsed when Peter’s mom called Pachi post-coitus. She was denied the coveted Bachelorette spot and now it’s looking like Paradise might be out for her too. This was supposed to be her time to shine!! How is she supposed to get modeling gigs that aren’t for off-brand shapewear or a Denny’s menu if she isn’t able to capitalize off her Bachelor fame?? And so this is why I forgive her for staging her own paparazzi shots during a global pandemic. I’ve seen more stories online about Hannah Ann being “spotted” in LA than I have articles from the CDC about proper hand washing. When she’s not being “caught” out and about it in a full face of contour, she’s been blowing up the TikTok scene with cringey dance routines that feature her favorite famous friends. Honestly, I hope this strategy works for her. She deserves to get something out of her relationship with Peter other than just time served.
Pilot Pete
Guys, I’m worried about Peter. There, I’ve said it! After failing to make it work with 25+ of America’s Next Top Instagram Models, getting engaged, breaking off that engagement, getting a girlfriend for two hours, and breaking up that relationship because his mommy told him to, he’s been struggling. While most Bachelor/ette leads come off their season with shiny new engagements (or at least shiny, new spon-con deals), Pilot Pete’s biggest announcement as of late is that he’s moving out of his parent’s basement. Maybe. Probably. If he can get them to co-sign his lease after the pandemic ends. You can tell he might be at his breaking point by the way he’s been acting out on TikTok recently. Peter’s TikTok activity ranges from mild cringiness to straight-up I’m calling his mother. Honestly, I’m worried for him. Barb, can we get a wellness check up in here??
Hannah Brown + Tyler C
I’m just going to come out and say this because we’ve all been thinking it: The Quarantine Crew is blasphemous. There is actually nothing more offensive to me than a bunch of hot singles flaunting their hotness and proximity to a Florida timeshare while the rest of us consider which old underwear to use when we need to wipe our asses after the TP stockpile runs empty. For the past several weeks now, Hannah and Tyler C have been living their best lives down in Florida in what appears to be some sort of harem situation. At best, their social distancing can be described as a deleted scene from Spring Breakers; at worst, something the CDC definitely referenced in their Powerpoint of what not to do during their last White House briefing. Either way, out of respect for those of us who are subsisting on a diet of Kraft cheese slices and Franzia and who haven’t breathed fresh air since February, they need to cut that sh*t out and save their antics for when Mike Fliess can profit off it, mmkay?
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; @hannahann_fanpage /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @thequarantinecrew /Instagram (1); @jessclarke_ /Instagram (1); @usweekly /Instagram (1)
Hello, friends. Today is day seven of my isolation. I have watched the entirety of the new series The Stranger on Netflix. I have finished two novels and begun a seven-book YA fantasy series. I cannot remember my last shower or my last vegetable. This is life in quarantine. Sorry, I usually only get this dramatic in my nightly diary entry, but we are in strange times. I’m sure many of you are experiencing the same thing as me, except with slightly more fresh air and slightly less pizza (I totally believe you!). But you know who apparently hasn’t heard about this global pandemic that the rest of us are doing our best to slow down? Celebrities! Of course, there are the celebrities that are trying to help, and the celebrities that are embarrassing themselves on social media, but there are also the ones that apparently haven’t heard that we need to be responsible citizens and practice social distancing, self-isolation, and quarantine. Shall we take a look at the celebrities whom history books will deem responsible for the spread of coronavirus?
Hannah Brown and Tyler Cameron
Look, guys. I know the pheromones you’re emitting right now are like, really strong, but so is the coronavirus, so I had really hoped that for the sake of humanity you would have been able to keep it in your pants. But alas, once again, I expected too much out of people that signed up for a reality dating show just so that they’d never have to work a real job again.
A few days ago, Tyler picked Hannah up at the airport and on Tuesday (Tuesday!!!!!) they were out on the beach with a group of friends, playing volleyball, and definitely getting closer than the recommended six feet. I hope your date was so cute guys, back here in the tristate area we’d love to be doing that too if only we weren’t busy dying! And, it gets worse. They finally decided to go inside, but it’s not just the two of them. Hannah joined TikTok and posted this video of her “quarantine crew” at the pool, which includes EIGHT PEOPLE, clearly not social distancing or keeping their gathering small to the tune of “Savage.” Savage indeed, Hannah and Tyler. SAVAGE INDEED.
Drake
Last week, the NBA suspended their season due to coronavirus. Have you ever seen that in your lifetime? I certainly haven’t, and I talk about how old I am more often than Jessica from Love is Blind. So, naturally, maybe you wouldn’t want to hang out with someone whose job had been unprecedentedly shut down due to the invasion of a global pandemic. Not the case for Drake! He decided to hang out with Kevin Durant at the Nice Guy in West Hollywood. I guess even when people are dying, there’s champagne to be drunk and women to be hit on! Someone’s gotta do it! (They don’t.) Thankfully, once Durant tested positive, Drake decided to do the right thing and self-isolate. But don’t feel bad for the King of Toronto, because while you’re rolling around on a yoga mat on your dirty floor trying to follow an online Barre Method class (hypothetically!), Drake is working out on his home basketball court. Can I quarantine there?
Scheana
This past Saturday, the day my city ordered all restaurants, bars, daycares, and gyms closed and I ran to the grocery store in a panic, Scheana invited all her friends to party in Palm Springs. Here’s the exact quote: “Any of my friends working from home this week should come join me for a Palm Springs quarantine!” the 34-year-old reality TV personality tweeted on Saturday, March 14. “I will continue to live my life in Palm Springs or MDR w my friends and not live it in complete isolation or fear. Simple as that. Call me ‘ignorant’ but I’m not gonna stop living!” Okay Scheana, you’re ignorant. What? You told me to! This whole season of VPR Scheana has been talking about freezing her eggs, but now I’m wondering if she should be allowed to procreate?
I will continue to live my life in Palm Springs or MDR w my friends and not live it in complete isolation or fear. Simple as that. Call me “ignorant” but I’m not gonna stop living!
— 🏳️🌈Scheana (@scheana) March 14, 2020
Naturally, people jumped on Scheana’s tweet, basically calling her an idiot, which she kind of is, sorry. Her excuse? She just came back from a work trip, doesn’t watch the news (!!!) and wasn’t fully up to date on coronavirus. Scheana, let me tell you what the cop told me when he pulled me over for going 52 in a 25: ignorance is not an excuse! Reread your manual!
Jared Leto
And finally, we arrive at someone so out of touch, he didn’t even know that we were in the middle of a global medical crisis. That’s right, Jared Leto claims he was on a “silent meditation” with no access to his phone for the past 12 days. First of all, ew. Second of all, were you really, Jared?? Because, as someone pointed out in the comments, he still managed to post pictures of himself in Gucci T-shirts during that time. And sure, his team could have posted for him, but did a celebrity really go on a trip where there was no possible way to get in touch with him? What if they decided they wanted him to play the Joker again?!! Although, if you told me that Jared thought he could communicate with his team members by cutting off a lock of his hair, sprinkling it over a fire that he built himself, spinning around three times and singing exactly one half of the song “Kumbaya”, I would believe that. So maybe he really did go into the desert without a phone. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed possibly spreading coronavirus on your rich people trip, Jared!
Evangeline Lilly
On Tuesday, after millions of us were already locked inside, The Hobbit and Avengers star Evangeline Lilly was totally unbothered. She posted that she had just dropped her kids off at gymnastics camp—but don’t worry, they washed their hands first! She said that she values “freedom over life,” which sounds like something she wouldn’t be saying if she knew someone dying because of a ventilator shortage. Obviously, freedom is important, but right now we have the freedom to make good choices, and we should all be exercising it!
And those are some of the celebrities that decided they didn’t need to help us flatten the curve. I hope they all enjoyed their time coughing on each other, while the rest of us just try and remember our work laptop password. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a conference call from my bed. Stay safe, friends!
Images: Kathy Hutchins/Shutterstock; enews, champagnepapi, jaredleto/Instagram; Scheana/Twitter
