If you would have pulled bits and pieces of different boys out of different coming-of-age novels, that’s who Adam* was. A true Judy f*cking Bloom character. He was beautiful, with his dark, curly hair and unsettling hazel eyes with a green speck right next to his left pupil.
When I look back now, it almost feels like I wrote my first love story for some young adult audience, ready to be turned into a Netflix film starring Noah Centineo. The sepia-hued memories of us napping in fields, making out in the back row of the movie theater, writing long, embarrassing Myspace (yes, Myspace) posts for each and every one of our monthiversaries—we were the definition of a teenage cliche.
He was all wrong for me because, of course he was. Maybe that’s what made him right? He would pull his hoodie over his head and sleep in the back row of class, waiting for the hangover from the senior party he went to the night before to wear off. He made out with girls two years older than him because they all thought he was hot enough to slum it with, his easy confidence and built arms from years of rowing crew luring them in.
There was no reason for him to pay attention to me, and I had no reason to accept his advances. So, naturally, we fell grotesquely, painfully, horribly in love.
From the note he passed in science class asking me on a date to our dramatic breakup (not the first one. Orrrr the second one. But the third one. That one) to the years-later, post-breakup, “let’s pretend this didn’t happen unless we’re getting back together” hookup on the beach, my first love was the stuff of adolescent fantasies everywhere. And the best part? During it all, I felt like I was the only person in the world to feel that intensely, that strongly, that much.
Turns out, almost every other failed first love story has the same premise. That falling. That unsteadiness. That “maybe I’ll never get over it even though I’m actually totally over it” feeling. While some people say they feel nothing for their first loves, the rest of us who aren’t lying can admit that just because it didn’t work out, and just because you might not still be in love, there always seems to be ~something~ about your first love that you just can’t shake.
As I typed that, I had a total Carrie Bradshaw moment and couldn’t help but wonder: Why do we even care? For most of us, our first loves are LONG gone and out of our lives, so why do the ghosts of those relationships linger on and haunt us well beyond our final goodbyes?
In order to get to the bottom of my musings, I reached out to Judge Lauren Lake of Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court, because if anyone is an expert on love and heartbreak, it’s the woman who has made a career of educating those with broken hearts and helping them heal… not to mention punishing the assholes who hurt them.
According to Judge Lauren Lake, “First loves are usually so intense and often between two immature people, so, ultimately, they serve as the foundation for future relationships.” (For better or for worse.)
Which means that no matter how your first meaningful relationship went down, your brain literally uses it as the baseboard for all future relationships because it’s, to pull out a word from the 5th-grade science fair, the control. Which is why you might randomly have dreams about said ex or think of them from time to time, even years after things went to sh*t—which, thankfully, doesn’t mean you’re a psycho.
“It happens because you’re human,” Lake says. “Love doesn’t just end when someone breaks your heart. It’s very possible to have love for someone who isn’t your Mr./Mrs. Right, especially if it was the first person you thought was going to be your lifelong partner.”
Art Aron, a psychology professor at State University of New York at Stony Brook who specializes in close relationships, told The Washington Post, “Your first experience of something is going to be well remembered, more than later experiences, presumably there’d be more arousal and excitement, especially if it’s somewhat scary.”
And honestly? There are very few things scarier than falling in love. It’s a nonstop anxiety trip of will they or won’t they, do they or don’t they. It’s exhausting and panic-inducing, but that rush is so powerful that humans have been chasing it for centuries. “Even in a fully developed adult brain, the neurological response to being in love with someone is very strong,” says Art. “It’s the same as being on cocaine.”
So, for the not fully-formed adolescent brain pumping weird thoughts into a body full of hormones and Mountain Dew, the feelings, responses, and the lasting effects of falling is love are completely magnified.
“Love doesn’t happen overnight,” says Lake. “It doesn’t end overnight, either. When you truly love someone, there will always be a part of you that still loves them, even if they did you wrong. It is still possible to have love for someone but know you have to move on from them.”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
— Saddington 2 ✈️🥺 (@2Saddington) November 12, 2019
Easier said than done, right? Still, if you have those lingering feelings, it might be important to take a closer look before they cause real damage to your current or future relationships. While things you learned from those firsts are important (like knowing that you don’t have to stick your tongue in someone’s mouth every time you kiss), there’s a limit. While that first person might be part of your future foundation, there’s a fine line between learning from those experiences and leaning on them.
According to Lake, “You have to be careful not to make your first love a figure in your future relationships. No one wants to hear about someone’s ex all the time, even if it is a first love from years ago.”
While most of us will still, subconsciously, refer back to lessons learned from our first loves in future relationships (or even do the occasional Instagram sweep out of curiosity), there’s a big difference between your first love being a foundation and your first love being a figure in your life. How do you tell the difference?
“Having love in your heart for someone and still pining for them are two very different things,” says Lake. “It’s important to evaluate whether or not you have an unhealthy attachment to your ex. Are you consistently and consciously comparing new people you’re dating to them? Do you still fantasize about being in a relationship with them? Do you regularly look at their social media accounts? Do you still have all of their pictures in your phone? Did you save their texts? Do you drive by their house?”
While most of us (I hope) would realize that the ol’ drive-by move is total You style stalking, some of the other unhealthy habits might be a little harder to not only detect, but also break. As stated before, love, and especially first love, is as addictive as cocaine. Which means that while it’s fun and exciting and keeps you up all night and makes you feel insanely sexy, it can also be pretty effing unhealthy. While those little first love-related pastimes might feel harmless, they could be detrimental in the long run.
According to Lake, “If you answered yes to any of those questions, you may need to admit that you’re still hung up on or have attachment issues to your ex. If so, you NEED to spend time doing the work to heal yourself before you get into a relationship with someone new or to better move forward with the person you’re with.”
Naturally, the big question is “how the f*ck do you do that if you’re so obsessed that you considered driving by their house when you were visiting your family for the holidays?”
“Stop romanticizing it! At the end of the day you left, or they left you. Let go of those unrealistic and unhealthy fantasies,” says Lake. “You might have to just accept the fact that you may never truly get over this person completely. But you can definitely learn to live life without them.”
While taking the steps to fully, finally, and healthily get over them means making pro/con lists, burning all of their sh*t that you still have in a box and then saging your apartment, or seeking professional help, know that “losing your first, or any, love isn’t easy for anyone,” says Lake, “but you can overcome it and access the limitless possibilities for love and happiness that are in your future. One of the most important relationship lessons to learn is that it takes more than love to sustain a great relationship.”
You know, like communication, patience, and pretending that hearing him talk about his fantasy football team doesn’t make your vagina totally dry up. See?! Healthy relationships!!!!!!
So, whether you’re totally over him or still in the process, post your sloriest thirst-trap and say goodbye to past relationship hangups in 2020. The best gift of all? Knowing that no matter how good his life is now, there’s a 100% chance he’ll see your post and hate himself for f*cking things up with you. And THAT, my loves, is the ultimate cure for heartbreak. Well, that and seeing that he ends up on Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court someday. Here’s to hoping!
*name has been changed because, despite popular belief, I’m not a TOTAL psycho.
Here’s to annoying couples: may we know them, may we judge them, may we actively avoid them. Unfortunately, the latter is nearly impossible in our culture of oversharing. The good news is that the most flagrant offenders probably won’t be blowing up your feed for too much longer. Read on for the telltale posts that indicate there is trouble in paradise.
1. The -Month “Anniversary”
I feel the need to start this section with a brief etymology lesson. The word “anniversary” comes from the Latin adjective anniversarius, which means “returning yearly,” as well as the Latin noun annus, which means “year.” So it always baffles me when I see couples commemorating their “3 month anniversary!!!” on social media. While it’s severely premature cute that you’re celebrating your relationship’s survival over the course of a fiscal quarter, it makes absolutely no sense. What’s more, it reeks of insecurity. How dicey are things that you feel the need to prove the legitimacy of your relationship with a fake anniversary?
2. Gratuitous Tributes
These eyesores come in many forms, the most common being a weekly #WCW or #MCM post. Don’t get me wrong. I love love and think it should be celebrated, but it feels more authentic when it happens organically in the context of an actual milestone, like a birthday or a (real!) anniversary. We should appreciate our partners, but must this appreciation be constantly performed on a public forum on a weekly basis? These posts are where the cracks (say crack again) really begin to show in a relationship. They come across as reactionary, like the poster is trying to make up for something he or she did wrong, leaving the sentiment reading more like a coded mea culpa instead of the undying declaration of love it claims to be. Why should Chad send flowers to his girlfriend after she catches him texting bitches when he can overcompensate by firing off a #WCW thirst trap on the ‘gram and call it a day?
3. Incessant Vacation Pics
I will confess that I am guilty of posting way more than I normally do when I am on vacation. But I do try to space out these posts and be cognizant of the fact that while I’m posting basic shots of my third pasta lunch in a row, my followers are toiling away at their work desks, secretly hoping that my Aperol Spritz goes down the wrong pipe. Couples on the brink of a breakup, however, don’t seem to have this sort of self-awareness. Instead, they assault your feed with daily posts and endless selfies from their romantic seaside dinner in Santorini (btw, it’s kinda hard to see the scenery in your selfies, Susan) to make up for the fact that they spent the majority of said dinner arguing about when Matt is finally going to propose. The frequency of these posts is the big tell: the more they are posting, the more they are trying to convince their followers and themselves that EVERYTHING IS FINE! The reality, though, looks something more like this:
4. PDA Overload
Beware of the PDA pictures, my friends, for these are the death knell for many a relationship. Kissing pictures are generally tough. I’m willing to overlook them, say, on one’s wedding day, but anything else feels voyeuristic and leaves me with a lot of questions, the most important being: Who TF is taking these pictures?! The more performative the pose (looking at you, dips), the less likely the couple is to stay together. Case in point: I watched an acquaintance post a monthly kissing pic with her boyfriend for several months, only for this gentleman to disappear in the night from her feed just three months later.
5. Inspirational Quotes
Call the coroner and prepare the morgue, because this relationship is deceased. There is no clearer sign that a relationship is on the outs than when one party begins posting inspirational quotes, especially when those quotes are passive-aggressive digs at the other person. My personal favorite is, “Never Let Anyone Be Your Priority If You Are Only Their Option.” In other words, Chad graduated from texting bitches to actually f*cking at least one of those bitches and YA GIRL IS PISSED.
Actual footage of me reading these kinds of posts:
As sure as the Kardashian-Jenners will find a way to remain relevant, annoying couples will continue to torture us with their undying proclamations of love on social media. I only ask that these couples be consistent in their oversharing. If they’re going to be this extra when things are going up in flames well, then the least they can do is spill the tea on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. Don’t leave us hanging, it’s rude. In these dark times, a fire selfie with the full breakdown of how Angela caught Todd in bed with her barre instructor is the kind of post the people need.
Images: Austin Loveing / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
It’s no secret that the relationships in Game of Thrones are…messy. You thought dating in New York was rough? Welcome to the Seven Kingdoms, where you might accidentally fall in love with your aunt and be none the wiser. Yikes. Awkward that we all spent seasons shipping a nephew and his aunt. If only the Lords and Ladies of Westeros had a dating app like Ship, maybe they’d spend more time hooking up with their local (not blood related) hotties rather than plotting the death of everyone around them. Or like, maybe that could stop all the incest. Maybe???
But since Ship doesn’t exist in the Westeros, we’ve gone ahead and decided what the ideal Game of Thrones pairs would be for them. All of the following matches ignore current relationships on the show and operate in a blissful world where no one has died and the Battle of Winterfell didn’t devastate us beyond repair. I’m not ready to talk about it.
Robb Stark & Margaery Tyrell
Admittedly, this started as an aesthetic pairing more than anything else. Robb and Margaery would have been the hottest couple in Westeros, full stop. But the more I think about it, the better this couple becomes. Maybe Robb’s dumb ass would have stayed alive if he had had someone as cunning and manipulative as Margaery by his side. The might of the Starks and the scheming of the Tyrell’s working together against the Lannisters? Cersei is shaking. Sure, Margaery would have frozen to death at Winterfell in those Nasty Gal cutout dresses of hers, but love comes with sacrifice.
Cersei Lannister & Oberyn Martell
Okay, hear me out. Yes, these two despise each other. Yes, there’s a lot of baggage there. Yes, Cersei indirectly murdered Oberyn and much of his family, but to be fair she’s indirectly murdered a lot of people. I think all of that could be overcome, based solely on the blatant sexual tension that existed between these two on screen. Perhaps this could have something to do with the rumors that Lena Heady and Pedro Pascal are an item in real life, but I think it goes even beyond that. They’d be the couple that fights constantly just so they can have over the top make up sex, and I, for one, would be okay with that.
Sansa Stark & Podrick Payne
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my true dream for Sansa is that she survives all the sh*t that’s about to happen and goes on to live a long, fulfilling, single life with zero men and one hundred wolves by her side. Just the Lady of Winterfell, existing in total peace, surrounded by her pack of loyal dogs. However, if I had to pair her with anyone, it would be Sex God Podrick Payne. After years of relentless mental and physical abuse, our girl Sansa has earned a lifetime of good dick and being sung to sleep, two areas that we know Podrick can deliver in.
Yara Greyjoy & Daenerys Targaryen
The lesbian power couple that Westeros needs. Remember the raging sexual tension? The cavalier marriage proposal? The smirks? This one writes itself. I give Daenerys one more week of Jon’s brooding before she flies off to the Iron Islands to live a zombie-free life with her girlfriend.
Jaime & Literally Anyone Who Isn’t His Sister
Obviously Brienne is my first choice here, but I’m not going to be picky. Let’s do some quick math and breakdown just how many people Jaime could be sleeping with that aren’t his sister. According to a series of fan blogs and what appears to be an insane amount of research into populations and migration habits and world building, it is estimated that there are around 40 million people in Westeros. Even if there are 1 million distantly related Lannisters (there aren’t), that leaves 39 million people for Jaime to be in a relationship with. If we continue to operate under the assumption that Jaime is straight, as he’s never given us any indication otherwise, and cut that number in half, we’re down to 19.5 million. Now let’s assume that only a third of those women are viable contenders age-wise for Jaime, which brings us to about 6.5 million. Maybe only 1% of those 6.5 million are in a high enough class to land the great Ser Jaime Lannister. I get it, he’s not going to end up with a commoner. That still leaves him 65,000 options.
I ship Jaime with literally any of them over his twin sister. Unfortunately, all we can do IRL is watch Game of Thrones and hope we make it out with at least one successful relationship. But if you’re a person who would rather take a more active role in the love lives of those around you, download Ship, where you can find matches for your friends and family, and get to shipping in a nonfictional and productive way.
Images: Giphy (5)
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The holidays are an… interesting time to be one half of a couple. (Or like, a third of a throuple, or whatever. I’m not judging, it’s 2018.) Whether you’re figuring out if your fling is serious enough to buy a legitimate gift or trying to coordinate time with each other’s families, the whole thing is a season-long struggle. If there’s one holiday thing you definitely shouldn’t be f*cking up this year, it’s your Instagram captions. Here are 7 captions to avoid if you want to enter 2019 with a group of loyal followers who don’t hate you.
“Baby, All I Want For Christmas Is You”
Please be honest with me for a moment. When you type “Baby, all I want for Christmas is you” as an Instagram caption for a photo of you and whoever you’re banging, what are you hoping to accomplish? Like, what kind of a response are you anticipating? Do you think people are going to be like “lol, love that song!” Because let me tell you, it’s not going to happen. Also, not to get too pedantic, but you already have the person you would want for Christmas, so really, the lyric doesn’t even make sense in this context. IMHO, you’re better off throwing down a Christmas tree emoji and calling it a day.
Something About Being On The Naughty List
Um, ew. Do I even need to explain this one? Joking about being on the naughty list all by your single self is cringeworthy enough. Do not drag your poor, innocent prisoner partner into it, too. Keep that private, please.
Anything About Sitting On Laps
Just… don’t do it. I have nothing else to say about this.
“Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal”
If you’re feeling tempted to refer to your significant other as a “filthy animal”… maybe, just don’t. No matter how you try to angle it, it just feels icky. Also, I’m still not convinced that half of the people who use this caption actually know where it comes from, and there are plenty of Reddit threads and Quora questions to prove my point. If you don’t get the reference, you don’t deserve to use it as your caption. Those are just the rules of Instagram.
Elf Quotes
Particularly the phrase “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” I’ll admit, I’ve definitely done this before but… we all have. Which is why it is now officially deemed stale. Unless your photo has a true Elf hook, don’t shoehorn this true Christmas classic into your photo of you and your beloved making out. However, the one Elf quote that is acceptable for everyone to use is “So, good news. I saw a dog today.” That’s it.
“The Tree Isn’t The Only Thing Getting Lit This Year”
Did the single sip of eggnog that you had just for a photo op in front of the tree suddenly send you back to 2015? Yes, most of us still say “lit” ironically in daily conversation, but that does not mean that it is relevant enough to serve as an Instagram caption. It’s kind of like “bae”. We still say it, but we do not utilize it in public-facing communications. I don’t make the rules, I just observe them.
“Meet Me Under The Mistletoe”
Okay, not to turn into one of those psychos who pushes their Christmas traditions on everyone, à la the people who get up in arms about Starbucks cups every year, but… am I the only one who strongly believes that mistletoe is best used for people who are NOT in a relationship? Like, that’s boring. It’s more fun to grab a CONSENTING crush and be like “lol, guess we have to kiss now!” This is not an excuse for committed people to practice PDA! (I would like to take this moment to again highlight the importance of CONSENT! Do not be creepy!)
Really, when creating your couples Instagram captions this holiday season, it’s best to keep in mind that all your single friends are rolling their eyes and sh*t talking you to their other single friends. Guess we’re just jealous! Or tired of seeing every single couple post the same picture, thinking they’re original. You decide!
Images: Giphy (4)
So, you’ve selected a victim for cuffing season. Jazz snaps for you. While we’re all SUPER happy that you have someone to bother and suck face with for the next three to ten months, your annoying couples pictures are getting nauseating. See, we’re all like, fine and okay with a candid shot of you all chugging beers or slamming pizzas or embarassing your dog once in awhile. But there are lines that you’re habitually crossing, and we have to call you out on them.
If you’re doing any of the below things on your Instas, Snaps, or Facebook couples pictures, please cease and desist before we all unfollow and unfriend you. You’ve been warned.
Working Out Together And Pausing For A Selfie
DO YOU EVEN CROSSFIT BRO. Thanks so much for taking the time and pausing between blasting your quads and flexing your pecks to snap a photo letting us know how much you love each other and love staying fit. Did you take a hot yoga class, too? Gosh, you guys must have an AMAZING sex life. We’re all so jelly. Please tell us more. I bet sweating and holding in farts with a room of strangers is WAY BETTER than inhaling a Pizza Hut Deep Dish while wearing sweatpants and watching 90 Day Fiancé, right? I regret nothing.
Blatantly Copying Other People’s Cool Ideas
You know that Insta that started out cool, with the girl dragging leading her boyfriend by the hand while they wandered the pyramids of Egypt and gardens in Paris and white beaches in Mykonos? Yeah, so, that couple did it already, then millions of other couples followed suit. What started out cool and original is now one of the most overused and annoying couples pictures to ever sully my Instagram feed, so please just don’t. Congrats on blowing your savings on traveling, then pausing for such an #inspirational and #couplesgoals pic.
Jumping
It was funny when Will Ferrell and the Anchorman crew did it before the great newscaster rumble. That was, what? 10 years ago? Congrats on yelling at each other until you both leave the ground at the same time in order to nail this pic. Too bad the camera didn’t capture you losing your balance when you came back to the ground, falling, and snapping your ankle. Casts aren’t cute on anyone, fam.
V Average Date Nights
OMG AWWW did you go to the BEST restaurant in town and drink awesome shooters and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Newsflash: If you’re on a date night that doesn’t happen all that often, stop snapping selfies and food photos and try to enjoy each other’s company. Although, I can assure you that nothing makes a waiter or waitress happier than having to take 67 annoying couples pictures (because you have to have options) of you guys looking totes presh while eating spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style.
We Get It—There’s A Ring
Congrats on the whole wedding or engagement thing. Really, it’s great for you. However, your veiled attempts at shoving this large ring in my face via photo isn’t cute. It’s v tacky. You are tacky. Engagement pictures are one thing—the focus is the ring and, like, everlasting happiness or whatever. After that, stop shoving your blood diamond in my eyes.
You’re Matching
Why are you doing this? Unless you’re both members of a professional sports team and you have to wear your matching jerseys because of ADAA requirements, there’s no reason for you to match. Not in your denim jackets, not in your windbreakers à la 1985.
Eyes Closed
LOL BAE CAUGHT ME SLIPPIN. No, he/she did not. You probably/definitely berated and threatened them to take a pic of you #snoozin because you thought your hair looked sexy pushed back. It’s fine and yah, your hair looks sexy pushed back, but nobody believes for a second that this photo happened organically and, therefore, it sucks. And so do you for sharing it.
Kissing and PDA
Omg I’m so happy to have started my day with a photo of you and your bf of three months with your tongues down each other’s throats. I love love, you guys. Please keep the photos of you being dipped romantically or holding each other’s butts coming, because nothing says love like slobbering on each other. My dog slobbers on me and he’s a lot cuter. Just saying.
I don’t even wanna see two strangers briefly peck on the subway and you think I want to see people I know making out on my newsfeed where it will be memorialized until the end of time? Lmfaooo get a room
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) October 16, 2018
Images: Alora Griffiths / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
In the world of celebrity couples, real, solid information can be hard to come by. We’ve known since way back in July that Bella Hadid and The Weeknd were hanging out again, but there was never any official news. Luckily, even the biggest stars still love a good birthday Instagram post. Today, Bella turns 22, and The Weeknd posted a birthday tribute that is 1) very cute and 2) makes it seem like they are very in love. Finally!! As much as I should mind my own business, I just feel like these two people (whom I have never met) are supposed to be together. (Also, I am obsessed with the fact that Bella Hadid’s birthday is one day after Bella Thorne’s. Have they met each other? I feel like Bella Hadid would hate Bella Thorne.)
The Weeknd’s post is a slideshow of 10 images, which really shows his dedication. I can’t even get the f*ckboys I date to post one Insta story, so 10 photos on the main grid is a big deal. The first one is actually a video of them canoodling from across a bar, and to be honest I’m already into it. Can we just agree that these two probably have wild, amazing sex? Thanks, got it, moving on now.
Feel free to flip through the carousel above, but I’ve also embedded some of the most important photos below, for further analysis. Don’t thank me, I’m just doing the Lord’s work, this is my calling.
I really love this photo, because there’s just so much going on. Bella is grabbing his face like she’s holding on for dear life, and also holding a Juul in the same hand. I’m obsessed, she’s a true millennial queen. The Weeknd’s arm is raised up like he’s holding on to the handle in a Subway car, so I’m not sure what’s going on there. Is this a house party? Does Bella Hadid go to house parties? Are they at Drake’s house? Also, whose hand is that with the red nail polish, and why is she so close while these two are busy sucking face? 
Like the last photo, I have many questions about this bath picture. Is this romantic? Is it a photoshoot? Why is Bella naked in a bathtub while The Weeknd remains fully clothed? Equal nudity for all! Why is he sitting on a chair that looks like something my family thew away after my great grandma died? Is Bella Hadid a vampire?
I really love this photo. Like, this is the kind of relationship I want. It looks like they’re in La La Land, but with less jazz and cooler outfits. I can’t help it, I love these two together.
As with any major celebrity Instagram post these days, Bella Hadid’s birthday has truly brought out some gems in the comment section. In this screenshot, there are literally zero words in the comments, which is kind of amazing. Tiësto clearly loves these two together, which is beautifully random. FashionNova is here too, because they love being the herpes of the Instagram fashion world. I love Yolanda Hadid’s mysterious butterflies, and I’m glad she approves of Bella’s relationship. Kendall Jenner shows up with a mysterious red balloon, which I’m assuming is an inside joke. What a solid crew.
So I hope Bella Hadid’s birthday is wonderful, and maybe someday I’ll get a man to acknowledge my existence post something sweet like this for me.
Images: Shutterstock; @theweeknd / Instagram (5)
There’s really no getting around it; couples have reached peak annoyance in 2018. They used to cap off at replacing “I” with “we” and copious amounts of PDA, but now we’re at a point where the limit to how cringeworthy a couple can be does not exist. I’m not even just saying this as a bitter single betch with a snarky Hinge bio. I’m one half of a couple and I’m literally on my own damn nerves. Honestly, there are millions of reasons why the secondhand symptoms of monogamy are at an all-time worst, but the main culprit here is Instagram. And I’m talking about the captions. Like, there’s nothing outwardly offensive about a photo of a couple standing in front of something moderately scenic. But throw a caption on it—that’s basically always the reason people hate a couple. Here are a few of the very worst couples Instagram captions ones that you should avoid at all costs.
And no, I’m not going to give you any advice on how to write good couples Instagram captions, because I do not believe there is a safe plan of action to follow here. Basically, we’re all just f*cked. Just make sure to never find yourself typing “cutest couples Instagram captions” into the Pinterest search bar, or you’ll officially have become a lost cause.
1. “This Guy ????”
This is arguably the most annoying couples Instagram caption in existence. First off, it’s just plain lazy. Secondly, it’s vague as hell. I’m definitely not suggesting that you DTR on every Instagram caption from here on out—that’s the absolute last thing you should be doing—I’m just saying, this caption isn’t going to make you appear chill enough to successfully convince everyone that you’re not disgustingly obsessed with your bae/posting photos so any potential side chicks know to back off.
2. Literally Any Comparison To A Celebrity Couple
I don’t give a sh*t if it’s John and Chrissy or Kermit and Miss Piggy; comparing you and your significant other to a famous couple is just not the move. It’s unoriginal, and it’s basically just a very public, delusional self-compliment. Plus, celebrity relationships (with the exception of John and Chrissy, just going to take a time out to knock on wood here) tend to have a success rate comparable to my ability to fully carry out a Whole30 cycle. You’re basically just cursing your entire relationship.
3. “Had The Best Time In With This One”
Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? I’m willing to bet you really didn’t have the “best time” on your first weekender with your significant other. It most likely consisted of three straight days of holding in farts with a few scattered “babe, can we just take a quick pic?” opportunities. Spare yourself the lie and just throw down a string of emojis at this point.
4. “Love You Almost As Much As I Love “
Oh! I see what you did there! You compared your relationship with a human to your relationship with a food that you like to eat. That was pretty funny and I’ve never seen that before. Okay, but on a serious note, I get that Forever 21 and bad meme accounts have brainwashed us all into thinking that liking pizza and wine is a personality trait, but I am urging you to rise above that here. With one unique Instagram caption, you too can save yourself from becoming a statistic.
5. “The To My “
Unless it’s like, actually pretty funny, this is one of the formats of couples Instagram captions that you should try to avoid. I don’t care if you go together like peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, or orange juice and champagne. Just like, literally STFU.
6. “You Are The Best Thing That’s Ever Been Mine”
The only acceptable way to be a Taylor Swift fan is silently. If you’re going to let your love for T. Swift show on a public social media forum, your options are a) referencing dramatic breakup lyrics from “Sparks Fly” or the Fearless album only, or b) a single Instagram story from the Taylor Swift concert everyone apparently crawled out of the woodwork and attended. You’re not allowed be an avid Taylor Swift fan and in love at the same time publicly. It’s just too much. You may choose one.
7. Anything That Even Vaguely Suggests Relationship Goals
You cannot dub yourself relationship goals. It’s not allowed. Also, I think I stand for most of the Instagram community when I say it is time to put these bare minimum goals to rest. Like, oh? Your boyfriend opened a car door for you? Or bought you flowers? Those are like, extremely normal displays of affection that do not necessarily need to be Instagrammed and bragged about.
Oh and, as a last piece of advice, for the love of God, please always tag your other half in photos so the rest of us can creep appropriately. Thank you!
Images: Rawpixel / Unsplash; Giphy (4)
They say “It’s only awkward if you make it awkward,” and here at Betches, we love making it awkward. Why? Because it’s funny af as objective third parties who are TOTALLY not jealous of young love, jet setting, and being genetically gifted. And the fact that Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin are totally twins is next level awkward. Like, accidentally matching with your high school English teacher awkward to the tenth power. But hey, if the president of the United States has made it abundantly clear that he finds his own daughter attractive, maybe it’s not so bad? Just kidding, it’s totally bad. Anyway, here are some times Hailey and Justin looked like they could be related.
1. This Time They Had Matching Hairstyles…
#TBT to when Hailey and Justin first started dating! According to Justin, she apparently “made get cornrows like an absolute douchebag.” Oh, Justin, don’t you realize that getting cornrows in vacation is a white person vacation staple, along with holding a picture of a fish you just caught and capturing everything on a Go Pro? Clearly he never took notes from Michael Scott when he had the vacation of a lifetime at Sandals Jamaica with Urklgru (we mean, Jan Levinson). Are you going to blame Hailey for all of your other absolute douchebag moves for the rest of your marriage? Because you’ve got a laundry list of them. Anyway, maybe couples that rock similar hairstyles together stay together?
2. …And This Other Time
So do they just straight-up raid each other’s clothes and hair products? That’s not a rhetorical question.
3. That Time In The Hot Tub
Okay so these two are serving a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen level of #twinning in this pic. Meaning we can still totally tell who’s who (thanks to Justin’s tattoo sleeve), but they still totally look alike! Also, moment of silence for whoever had to be in the hot tub with these two and take this steamy pic. Even John Mayer got secondhand embarrassment for the hot tub photographer. Let’s face it, the world is Justin and Hailey’s hot tub and we are all the hot tub photographers.
4. When Hailey Borrowed Justin’s Hoodie
It’s pretty much a cardinal rule that once you start dating a guy, his sweatshirts are your sweatshirts. But only the most obnoxious couples on the planet coordinate their outfits to look good together. No offense, Kim and Kanye, because we love you. But Justin and Hailey don’t just look like twins here—they look like those twins that are born conjoined and shared the same body.
5. When They Biked Together
If I’m more concerned that you may be dating someone who could very well be somehow related to you than I am about you not wearing helmets while bike riding in a busy street, that’s not a good thing. But at least they’re not cringeworthy enough to ride a tandem bicycle. We’ll leave that cheesy sh*t to Taylor Swift and whoever her latest victim is.
Images: haileyandjustinn, otpjailey, justinbieber, haileybaldwin, mmj0294, sexyjustindrewbieber / Instagram
