Over the weekend, shady country hottie/ex-college football player Sam Hunt got married to his longtime girlfriend Hannah Lee Fowler, who you’ll probably recognize as the girl from literally all of his songs. According to Wikipedia they’ve been together on and off since 2008, so there’s got to be enough material there for at least three more albums. Sam is pretty hot, but honestly Hannah is pretty basic looking, and she dyes her hair way too dark for her complexion. Fix that, your husband is fucking famous honey. Her dress also had these weird shoulder straps that kind of look like toilet paper, so we’re not sure where the taste level was for this wedding.
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They got married in the middle of nowhere some place in Georgia, which sounds…charming? The venue is called “In the Woods,” and it basically looks like a glorified cabin, which is totally where our dream wedding will be. There were about 150 guests, but apparently there weren’t any fun country music celebrities invited so on the whole we’re pretty disappointed. Like, you couldn’t even get Carrie Underwood to throw on a sparkly minidress and sing at the reception? Do better, Sam.
Hannah basically seems like a rando, so here’s what we know about her from his songs:
– She’s got a body like a back road (whatever that means)
– She has a lot of shoes but she’s basically always barefoot (ew)
– She can’t drive out to the place they used to get peaches out in Pelham (just get your peaches at Whole Foods jfc)
– She takes super long baths (groundbreaking)
– He calls her “Hannah Lee” because it’s the South
Most of that info is from his song “Drinkin’ Too Much,” which is a weird half-rap that’s totally about them breaking up, but it only came out a few months ago so we’re very confused. We’re not sure how people do things in Georgia, but hopefully he at least had to buy her something really nice to win her back.
We all thought it was pretty silly that Corinne had a minor role in some rap guys’ music video. Then we all thought it was pretty silly Corinne was in an awkward mascara commercial that also starred Vinny from Jersey Shore for some reason. But like, it’s Corinne, you know? It wasn’t exactly surprising that someone who made a name for herself by spraying whipped cream on her boobs also previously made a name for herself by acting strung-out in a rap video.
Related: Corinne Was In A 2 Chainz & Juicy J Video
But the real sneaky video vixen might not be Corinne at all. Dun dun dunnnnnn. In fact, our dear, sweet Danielle M. has been in not one, but two semi-popular music videos. I say semi-popular because they got a ton of views, but at the end of the day they’re country music videos. So, you know.
Anyway, in 2013, Danielle starred in Jake Owen’s “Beachin”. Of course, she has much longer hair in the video, but it’s still pretty fucking obvious that it’s Danielle. That video has over 18 million YouTube views, by the way—not bad for a compilation of every summer cliché cleverly disguised as a song.
Our girl Danielle first appears at around the 50 second mark, laughing and holding hands with some guy who’s decidedly not current Bachelor, Nick Viall. Danielle, how could you?!
Here she is “sexily” eating mint chocolate chip ice cream.
This has got to be the least efficient way to eat ice cream ever. How much mint chip can you really scoop up with your index finger? Why would you want to eat ice cream off some dude’s finger when you’re holding the fucking cone?
And in case you still don’t believe me, here’s our beloved Danielle M. walking down the beach in a bikini, looking lovingly at the male frat star of this video.
Is that underboob tattoo real? God, I hope not. There’s way more to this video, but I won’t go through all the major points because A) I think you get the idea, and B) this song is fucking terrible. It’s like, some country dude trying to rap about the beach, punctuated by some short moments of singing. It’s not pretty. But in case you want to subject yourself to the torture, you can watch the whole video below.
But that’s not all! Last year, Danielle appeared as the love interest in Cole Swindell’s “Middle of a Memory”. She’s more identifiable with her signature short locks and girl-next-door beauty. It’s actually a pretty popular song if you’re into that kind of thing. It has over 14 million views on YouTube atm. Let’s take a look.
Danielle M. is in the video right away—you go, girl. Good for you. She’s at what appears to be a party scene, sporting some unfortunate eye makeup and a slightly dazed expression.
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And here she is romancing singer Cole Swindell, who is definitely not hot enough to be talking to her, but whatever.
K I’m going to stop now because you get the point (and because I’m finding myself actually liking this song). There’s a surprise twist at the end, so I low-key recommend watching it (but you didn’t hear it from me).
Now onto the real issue here. There is no way this woman is a neonatal nurse! When would she have had the time, in between nursing school and like, delivering babies, to casually star in a bunch of country videos? I got a B.A. in Creative Writing because I’m a lazy piece of shit with no ambition, but my friends in the nursing profession tell me that shit is like, really hard. Not only is nursing school difficult—you have to actually study for tests, rather than taking an Adderall and busting out a literary analysis in two hours—but being a nurse is no picnic, either. When you’re on your feet all day dodging baby vomit, how do you find the time and energy to go pretend to be some redneck’s love interest? It’s just not adding up.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Well maybe those songs are super old and this was before her neonatal career.” Nope. That Jake Owen song came out in 2013, and the Cole Swindell song came out in 2016. So she would have been well into her nursing career for at least one of these videos—that is, if she is really a nurse. I am no longer convinced. How is it that Corinne being a multimillion-dollar business owner is the most plausible career on The Bachelor?
Related: What Multimillion-Dollar Company Does Corinne Run? An Investigation
Now that I think about it, Danielle is weirdly really good in front of a camera and always rocks her best angles. We should have known something was up.
I was kind of rooting for Danielle M. because she seems genuinely sweet and “here for the right reasons”, but now that we know she’s a little hungry for screen time, my opinion might change. MMM maybe not. Anybody but Corrine, right?