To My Dearest and Realest Housewives,
Thank you for being there for me during this turbulent time in our country. Pre-pandemic, I used to love to get together with a large group of my girlfriends. Brunch, after-work drinks, dinners, you name it—I was there. But when the pandemic made hanging out with the girlies unsafe for my immunocompromised self, I turned to you, The Real Housewives, to fill the void of my missing girl squad, and you did not disappoint. Not only did you keep me entertained, but you satiated my need to socialize—quite possibly forever. Thank you for your service.
Listen, before I discovered your life-changing franchise, I actually missed going to brunch with my gal pals, but now thanks to Ramona and LuAnn, I know that brunch is code for blackmail and should be avoided at all costs. The same goes for cocktail parties and all vacations. I never want to see my friends again.
Watching you fight with each other incessantly didn’t make me feel less alone, but it did make me appreciate my loneliness. Sure, I might have been completely by myself, but at least no one was yelling at me or calling me a “prostitution whore” in front of Andy Cohen. Once I found you, I no longer cared that I couldn’t experience my own life in present day New York. Turns out, watching you wreak havoc in the before times was all I’d ever needed. I fell in love with you immediately, ya habibi.
Unable to see my own friends because my rare immune disorder made even outdoor hangs risky for me, there was something so healing about watching your friendships unravel right in front of my eyes. After going months without seeing a single friend, there’s something very cathartic about watching Ramona Singer berate Bethenny Frankel on the Brooklyn Bridge in a moment that was so peak 2008 that I didn’t even have anxiety about them not wearing masks. Ditto for when Kelly Bensimon told Bethenny, “I am up here and you are down here” when they met for cocktails in Manhattan. So this is what I’m missing? This is what female friendship looks like?? Thank God I’m quarantined with my brother then! He would never scream “Jovani” at me during my cabaret (mostly because he doesn’t know what either of those things are, but still). I love being a guy’s girl, it’s so fun and interesting and I don’t miss my girlfriends at all!
I used to think it was a red flag when a woman said “I’m not friends with other girls. They’re just way too much drama.” But now? I’ve seen the light. Girls really ARE too much drama. I mean, you throw a ravioli in someone’s face ONE TIME and suddenly you stop getting invited places? Grow up, drama queens. It wasn’t even my fault that I upstaged that charity event for a sick baby by bringing twenty Hell’s Angels as my plus-ones. I said I was sorry, what else do they want me to do? Actually donate to the cause? Whatever, I guess it’s true what they say, money really can’t buy you class.
So when my healthy, non-high-risk friends all got covid tests and safely rented a cabin in the Catskills together last summer, I was relieved not to be invited! I’ve seen season 6 of RHONY, okay? I saw how they treated Aviva, and I was not about to let my medical pump suffer the same fate as her prosthetic leg. Besides, I don’t even care that I wasn’t invited, I’m having way more fun watching my brother watch the Michael Jordan docuseries anyway! Have fun in the Bezerkshires, bitches! I don’t need your Scary Island energy in my life, I’ve got the back of my brother’s head to keep me company.
Now that I’m fully vaxxed and the pandemic is seemingly coming to a close, I’ve transitioned into a different state of fear. No longer am I afraid of Covid, now I’m scared of something much more insidious…women. Go to dinner with my friends??? Why? So they can accuse me of having a drinking problem? I don’t think so. Support my best friend’s charity event? What, and get ambushed with questions about my husband’s financial problems?? I don’t care that I “don’t have a husband,” you bitches have had it out for me since I threw those tiki torches in the Hamptons. Get over it already! They were barely on fire and what Ramona did to the Fish Room is way worse. So what, I “ruined your engagement party” because I said your fiancé was cheating on you, are you really still mad about that? And no, I do not want to attend your son’s christening, ok? It’s hard to have FOMO for a party that’s going to end in handcuffs.
Why would I ever choose to venture back out into a world of conflict when I could stay at home and finish bingeing RHONJ? Those ladies would never judge me for flipping a table and unlike some people in my life, they don’t mind a little hair pulling. Plus I’m pretty sure Joe is about to go to prison and I wouldn’t miss that for all the maskless parties in the world (that I’m totally invited to). Screw your brunches, I’d rather hang out with my real friends, The Housewives.
With Love From Your Biggest Anti-Socialite Fan,
There are a number of traits that all good Real Housewives have in common. An aspirational lifestyle, a highly suspect business venture, and a toxic husband are par for the course, but what really sets a Housewife apart from her castmates is the ability to deftly lob an insult, especially at another Housewife. This requires quick thinking and a way with the English language that few of us mere mortals possess, and when it’s done right, the results are simply magical. Below, I’ve rounded up some of the best Real Housewives zingers in history and provided real life scenarios where you can use them, so you too can feel like a friend of seasoned Housewife. You’re welcome.
“Well, Even Louis Vuitton Makes Mistakes”
Whether you love her or hate her, you can’t deny that Luann has had some of the most iconic lines in the history of The Real Housewives of New York. One of her absolute best came in season 4 when insulting castmate Alex McCord’s “Herman Munster shoes.” Alex immediately clapped back saying they were Louis Vuitton, and without missing a beat, Luann gave us this gem of a comeback, both winning the argument and proving she belongs in the Housewives Hall of Fame.
When To Use It: We’ve all known someone who never misses an opportunity to brag about the various labels they’re wearing. Next time Dorit that person pipes up, you can hit them with a variation of this epic line. For example:
Dorit: OMG could you die over this new purse?! It’s Gucci!
You: Well, even Gucci makes mistakes.
“, You Bald-Headed Scallywag”
OK, so Marlo may not technically be a Housewife, but she is putting in more work this season than many a cast member of The Real Housewives of Atlanta (looking at you, NeNe). She’s long overdue for her peach, and no moment proved this more than in a recent episode on the cast trip to Toronto. As SnakeGate continued to unfold, the entire cast seemed to get into it with each other, with Marlo and Cynthia going head to head about the accusation that someone recorded Cynthia talking smack about NeNe. Cynthia loses it and goes off on Marlo, and out of the clear blue, Marlo refers to Cynthia as a “bald-headed scallywag.” The creativity in busting out a term not used in the mainstream lexicon since the wake of the Civil War leaves me no choice but to stan.
When To Use It: Although Marlo was referring to Cynthia, another woman, I think this jab would work perfectly for that f*ckboy in your life who you’re not quite ready to cut, but who continues to annoy you with his games. If he’s bald or balding, great. If not, then you can take a page out of his textbook with a neg that will surely have him considering a Rogaine purchase. The exchange could go something like this:
F*ckboy: Sry, forgot to press send. U comin over later?
You: Chad, you bald-headed scallywag
“Not Well, Bitch!”
Although Dorinda joined The Real Housewives of New York in season 7, it feels like she’s been there from the beginning. In just a few seasons she has become a fan favorite, and her incredible one-liners have everything to do with it. In season 9 she gave us this wonderfully versatile response when asked by Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell, of all people, how she was doing after a particularly heated argument with castmate Sonja Morgan. In turn, we were gifted this simple, yet incredibly effective phrase. Dorinda, we thank you for your service.
When To Use It: The beauty of this one is that it can be used in so many different scenarios to capture your mood. The “I’ll tell ya how I’m doing” preamble is optional, but when you use it, it hits so much harder. Either way, it’s a fantastic way to shut up that annoying co-worker Karen who cheerfully asks you how you’re doing at 9:03am on Monday before you’ve even had a sip of your iced coffee. Or it’s a perfect response to the group chat attempting to piece together a blackout girls’ night. Like so:
Jackie (to the group): Really hurting this morning. How are you guys doing?
You: I’ll tell ya how I’m doing: not well, bitch!
“I Don’t Know If She Wants To Be Me, Or Skin Me And Wear Me Like Last Year’s Versace.”
Dina Manzo only appeared on the first two seasons of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (and randomly season 6), but she will always be remembered for her biting zingers, chief among them being her description of the one and only Beverly Ann Merrill Danielle Staub in season 1. After a bizarre encounter where Danielle hugged Dina over and over and awkwardly complimented her boobs, Dina delivered this perfect description of Danielle’s strange obsession with her. We miss you, Dina.
When To Use It: This line is best used when you want to highlight the Single White Female in your life who is seemingly always around and annoying the ever-loving shit out of you. Whether she keeps going after the guys you like, insincerely compliments you in a backhanded way, or is always showing up to frat parties in a sad variation of your outfit from last week, you can describe her as such:
Your Bestie: What’s up with Hannah? She’s basically wearing the same dress you wore last weekend.
You: I don’t know if she wants to be me, or skin me and wear me like last year’s Versace.
“Is Your Ass Jealous Of The Sh*t That Comes Out Of Your Mouth?”
I can’t say I’m going to miss Tamra now that she’s gone, but she did leave us with some truly memorable jabs. Tamra does her best work when she’s angry (never forget Jesus Jugs) and she exploded during the season 6 reunion when she sensed that Gretchen was being less than truthful, giving us this truly excellent insult. RIP, Tammy Sue.
When To Use It: This one comes in handy whenever you want to call bullsh*t on someone who is obviously lying. Of course, you can use it for more serious lies like Tamra did, but it also works when you want to joke around with someone close to you about a more harmless lie. Case in point:
You: Hey, just got here. What’s your ETA?
Friend (just got out of the shower): On my way!
You: Does your ass get jealous of the sh*t that comes out of your mouth?
Of course, there are far too many incredible Housewives insults and many of the very best had to be left off this list. What are some of your favorites and how would you use them in the real world? Sound off in the comments. Until then:
Images: Bravo; Tenor (2); Giphy (4)
Luann, Luann, Luann. You had one job! And you managed to f*ck it up, and possibly land your ass back in jail. But let me back up a bit. Back in December of 2017 (Jesus, where has the time gone?) Luann De Lesseps got arrested in Palm Beach after a very messy Christmas. If you’ll recall, Luann got wasted and ended up in a hotel room that was not the one registered to her, with some mystery man (been there). What should have been a funny drunken mistake that everybody laughed about instead turned violent, when security was called and Luann and her friend refused to leave the room. Luann then locked herself in the bathroom (also been there), and when one of the officers used a key to open the door, she shoved him in the chest and slammed the door in his face. Okay, I can say confidently that I have not been there.
Then, the story took an even crazier turn, when Luann got arrested, because the fun didn’t stop there. Luann f*cking slipped out of her handcuffs (I need to know how) and tried to jump out of the moving police car! She also allegedly threatened to kill the police officers. Yikes.
When I convince my friend to take another shot even though we’re both blacked out pic.twitter.com/MPQifp0RIY
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) May 23, 2019
Predictably, Luann was charged with a slew of crimes, including battery, trespassing, and disorderly intoxication. She completed two rehab treatments and took a plea deal back in August 2018. Luann was put on probation, and was not supposed to drink. Much like me when I say I’m going out “for one drink and then I’m going home,” Luann’s sobriety did not last very long. She allegedly violated her probation and failed an alcohol test, so she landed back in court on Thursday. And, just like me when I am recounting my night after I browned out, Luann is telling everyone that she drank two mimosas after a performance she had in Chicago.
The judge said Luann wasn’t taking her probation seriously and ordered her back to jail. Now, we don’t know how long Luann is going to be in jail for, or if she will serve any time, but the judge was not happy either way, and Luann is probably going to face some consequences.
This is all especially interesting, considering the Real Housewives of New York reunion filmed last week, but we are only 12 or 13 episodes into the season. Typically, Bravo waits until the season has aired or is close to done airing before filming the reunion. So why did RHONY film early? It’s possible the powers that be at Bravo knew that Luann wouldn’t be around 10 episodes from now to film, so they pushed it up early. And when you consider that last season, Luann was absent from the reunion because she had just checked in to rehab, it makes sense that they would move the timeline up a bit to get Luann on the reunion.
We will have to wait to see what Luann de Lesseps’ consequences for allegedly violating probation are. Good thing money can’t buy you class, but it can buy you bail!
Images: Giphy; Shutterstock
Over the weekend, Instagram basically broke when Andy Cohen had his baby shower. It was hosted by the OG Real HousewivesTeresa Giudice, Vicky Gunvalson, Kyle Richards, Ramona Singer, and NeNe Leakes, and every single current housewife was invited. As you probably know from watching hundreds of Instagram stories, it was a drunken sh*t show. Lisa Rinna was yelling at people on a microphone, and everyone was dancing on the tables. Basically, it was the party of my dreams, and following along was the best day of my life. There were dozens of housewives in attendance, but not everyone showed up. Who were the most important missing wives, and why weren’t they there? Let’s examine the evidence.
Given all of the drama surrounding Lisa Vanderpump recently, I didn’t really expect her to show her face at Andy’s baby shower. She basically ghosted Real Housewives of Beverly Hills halfway through filming the new season, so this party wasn’t high on her agenda. It is interesting considering that the party was organized by the other Housewives OGs, a group that she really should be a part of. Lisa hasn’t acknowledged her absence on social media at this point, but it looks like things aren’t great between her and Andy.
Besides Lisa, Bethenny was the most glaring omission from the guest list. Bethenny has been on Bravo for a decade, and she and Andy have definitely been close at some points during that time. It’s unclear if there’s major drama going on, but Bethenny wasn’t quick to comment on why she missed the shower. Early Monday morning, she finally addressed it in the weirdest way possible, with a picture of two freezing monkeys. Maybe it’s a metaphor for being left out in the cold? She tagged Lisa Vanderpump in the caption, but gave no explanation for why she wasn’t there. Also, she and Lisa have never even really been friends. This whole thing is very confusing, and I need to know more.
Kandi Burruss, one of the most beloved Atlanta housewives, wasn’t there, but she has a very solid excuse. She’s on the new season of Celebrity Big Brother, which means she’s literally trapped in a house with no access to the outside world. That sounds like a nightmare for many reasons, but mainly because she didn’t get to go to this party. Hope it was worth it, Kandi!
Porsha was the other main Atlanta housewife not in attendance, but she also has a good excuse. She’s currently very pregnant with her first child, so it’s understandable that she wasn’t about to hop on a flight across the country. No shade here.
Luann de Lesseps
The Countess Luann was not in attendance on Saturday, because the event probably wasn’t classy enough for her. Jk, I don’t know why she wasn’t there. Lu quickly addressed her absence on Instagram by reposting one of my favorite memes ever, but like Bethenny, she didn’t give a reason for not being there. She was promoting her cabaret show on social media the same day, but she didn’t actually have a performance or anything, so it’s unclear why she didn’t show up. Hopefully she did the Countess-like thing and RSVPed with the proper amount of notice.
When Kelly, from Orange County, didn’t show up, people immediately guessed that she wasn’t invited because she would cause drama. Unfortunately for my messy soul, that was not the case. Kelly was on a skiing vacation that had been planned for months, and she sent Andy a gift. She also posted this photo at the ski lodge with Lil Wayne, because her life is cooler than mine will ever be. I’m not sure what she’s doing with her hand, but hopefully it’s not an offensive gang sign. We may never know.
Out of the current Real Housewives of New Jersey cast, Melissa Gorga was the only one who didn’t show up at the baby shower. Sadly, she was busy attending her daughter Antonia’s cheer camp, because like family comes first or something. Cheer camp sounds lame AF, but whatever.
RHONY wasn’t super well-represented at the baby shower, with Luann, Bethenny, and Tinsley Mortimer all missing. While Bethenny and Lu have at least acknowledged that they weren’t there, there hasn’t been a peep from Tinsley. I don’t think Tins and Andy are super close, but that didn’t stop the randos of Potomac from showing up. What’s up, Tinsley?
The Entire Cast Of ‘Vanderpump Rules’
While all of the Real Housewives were invited to the party, the cast of Vanderpump Rules was notably absent from the baby shower. These people are probably the biggest stars on Bravo at this point, but they will always be treated like second-class citizens. It’s probably a good thing that James Kennedy wasn’t there, considering how wasted everyone looked, but it does seem like a snub. Stassi wasn’t afraid to say so, and posted multiple times about stalking the party on Instagram. I have never related to Stassi Schroeder so hard in my life.
There were several other Housewives not in attendance, but they’re pretty much randos who no one give a f*ck about. Too bad for them, because they clearly missed the party of the century. Andy’s baby is reportedly due as soon as this coming weekend, so hopefully there will be some great housewife Instagram posts when the baby is born. Can Lisa Rinna please be my aunt?
Images: @bethennyfrankel / Instagram; @countessluann / Instagram; @rhoc_kellyddodd / Instagram; @stassischroeder / Instagram
When it comes to Halloween costumes, celebrities should really have it easy. All they have to do is choose something fun and non-problematic, pay someone else to make it for them, and go to whatever lame party the Getty Images photographers are at. Unfortunately, there are always some celebs who mess up what should be easy. Some of these costumes are way too over-the-top, while others are just sad, wasted opportunities. While we already dealt with all of the Kardashian costumes this year, here are some other celebrities who could’ve done better this Halloween. Behold, our ranking of the worst celebrity Halloween costumes of 2018.
Heidi Klum hosts one of the biggest Halloween parties in Hollywood, and she always goes all out with her costume. In recent years, she’s gotten into prosthetics, and it’s officially gone too far. Sure, her Princess Fiona costume is impressive, but I’m getting physically upset looking at it. With her boyfriend as a matching Shrek, it’s really more than I can handle. Someone please tell Heidi to relax next year, it’s just Halloween.
Luann de Lesseps
According to Luann’s Instagram caption, she asked her stylist for an “outfit that says nurse, pop-star, and countess.” I’m not sure why that was her desired look, but I’m just getting a slutty race car driver vibe here? Luann looks fantastic and healthy (thank god), but this outfit is just so confusing. Money can’t buy you class, but it can definitely buy you a coherent Halloween look.
While I am a huge fan of Ariana Grande, her brother Frankie is more than I can handle. His troll costume is the exact brand of extra we’ve come to expect from him, and I need a f*cking nap. I really hope that paint takes two weeks to come off just as punishment for this costume.
Oh, Nina Dobrev. I’m not sure exactly what she’s been up to since The Vampire Diaries ended, but this costume has me concerned. Her take on A Star Is Born is at least a little more creative than a half-assed Lady Gaga attempt, but the execution could definitely be better. The weird cage around her waist is really taking me out of it, and I just can’t look at an adult with a pacifier in their mouth. Sorry, no.
I never thought I’d say the name “Joey Fatone” in 2018, but here we are. The third most famous member of NSYNC is really trying to give me nightmares with his The Shining-inspired costume, and this will probably keep me up tonight. Also, the horrific wig aside, why does Joey look like he hasn’t slept in six years? If anyone has any miracle dark circle remedies they’d like to recommend, feel free to slide into Joey’s DMs.
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro & Jen Harley
Okay I thought these two had, like, restraining orders against each other? I won’t pretend to know what’s going on in the world of Ronnie and his baby mama drama, but this is definitely a weak-ass Joker costume. The Harley Quinn (lol because her last name is Harley) is a bit better, but no one is winning any costume contests here. I’d love to know what they dressed their baby as for Halloween, because I bet it’s something sad and outdated.
@heidiklum / Instagram; @countessluann / Instagram; @frankiejgrande / Instagram; @nina / Instagram; @realjoeyfatone / Instagram; @tt_kittymeow / Instagram
If you’ve ever watched even one season of a Real Housewives show, you know that the most important element of the show is the group trip. Prepare yourself, because the Real Housewives of New York just took a cruise from hell. Over the years, the New York housewives have taken a wide variety of exotic trips, including St. John (aka Scary Island where Kelly lost her mind), Morocco (cue Luann saying “ya habibi” seven million times), and even the far-away land of Montana. But nothing could have prepared Luann, Ramona, Bethenny, and the gang for this trip to Colombia.
The ladies are currently filming for season 10, and they headed down to Cartagena, Colombia, presumably because one of them slept with someone who owns a fabulous vacation home there or some shit like that. There’s always a connection. From there, they were supposed to spend the day on a luxury yacht. This is usually the part of the trip where nothing really goes wrong: Ramona has her Pinot Grigio, Luann pretends to be reading a book, and Sonja is tanning while ass naked. Yaaaaawn. But this time, the day on the yacht turned into the boat trip from hell, and we seriously can’t wait to see it unfold on Bravo.
Let’s just say, the boat wasn’t as luxurious as it was supposed to be. Page Six reports that, to start with, “Once they were ushered on board, the boat couldn’t even move. The anchor got stuck, so the crew had to saw the anchor off before they could sail anywhere.” I’m already laughing my ass off from the thought of these women watching them saw off the anchor, and it gets so much better.
After leaving the dock, the engine on the boat reportedly caught fire, which like, isn’t supposed to happen. There was apparently no fire extinguisher on board, and the crew didn’t speak any English. Yikes. As if that wasn’t enough, the seas were very rough, and “the seats and other things on board that weren’t nailed down started flying about.” OKAY. So just picture Luann the fucking Countess on a boat that is literally on fire and there are seat cushions just fucking pummeling her in the face. Darling, it’s a nightmare.
According to the reports, the housewives were screaming, throwing up from seasickness, and genuinely convinced they were going to die like it was the fucking Titanic. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is how you make reality TV. They were eventually rescued by a passing ship, but Bravo has reportedly offered the ladies counseling for their traumatic experience.
With this and Luann’s wild Christmas in Palm Beach, the next season of Real Housewives of New York City is shaping up to be an absolute shit show. Thanks to our lord and savior Andy Cohen, we’ll surely get to see the whole messy thing. Why do we love this shit so much?
Images: Bravo; Giphy (3)
If there’s one thing that The Real Housewives of New York City has taught us over the years, it’s that nothing keeps Countess Luann de Lesseps down for long. She survived a tough divorce, her dance song getting terrible reviews, and another tough divorce, and now Luann is back from rehab. Break out your etiquette books ladies, because class with the Countess is back in session.
In case you need a little refresher, Luann went to Palm Beach over Christmas weekend and lost her fucking mind, getting arrested for being in a random hotel room with a random dude, giving us one of our favorite celebrity mugshots of recent years. She also slipped out of her handcuffs and tried to escape from a moving police car, which is obviously one of the most important lessons you learn at etiquette school.
After the incident, Luann made a statement about how she lost her fucking mind because it was her first time in Palm Beach since her divorce from Tom, and then she went away to rehab. Well, it’s approximately a month later, and the Countess is back!!! She tweeted on Tuesday afternoon that she was home and thanked everyone for their “continued support good wishes and support.”
So what’s next for Luann? Well, it looks like she wasted absolutely no time before reuniting with her fellow RHONY castmates, which we know thanks to Ramona Singer having literally no filter on social media. Ramona posted, and then quickly deleted, a photo of all the housewives at dinner, with Luann proudly at the head of the table. Andy Cohen must have screenshotted and put Ramona on blast for posting the photo, because that shit got taken down real quick.
If the rumors are true, and Luann is already back to filming for the show, there’s sure to be some legendary drama when she comes back from rehab. Also, we’d really love to know what the Count thinks about all this.
The holidays are a time that’s all about giving, and the story behind Luann de Lesseps’ arrest last weekend just keeps on giving. Earlier this week, we got all the juicy details about why she got arrested, but it turns out Luann wasn’t done with the crazy shit once she got in the police car.
The official police report about the case contains the new information that Luann allegedly fucking slipped out of her handcuffs and tried to escape from the police car. Countess Luann de Houdini is iconic, and she is not here to play around. We’re seriously dying at the mental image of a wasted Luann trying to escape from the back of a moving police car, and there needs to be a movie of this someday.
The report also states that they allegedly had to stop the car and take Luann out to get her back into the handcuffs, which is when she allegedly threatened to kill the officers (for the second time, not like we’re keeping track), and tried to hold the door open with her foot. Luann was on a fucking mission Saturday night, and she usually gets what she wants.
Obviously the police officers were eventually able to get her in the car and back to the station, but she didn’t go easily. Seriously, Bravo must be rewriting her contract for more money right now, because Andy Cohen couldn’t come up with this shit in his wildest dreams.