Well, that was a short-lived success. Last night on The Bachelor, one of the group dates involved having the girls model a fashion feature for Cosmo. You know, because what better way to detract from criticism that this show is made up of nothing but aspiring Instagram models than to have all their group dates be modeling challenges? At this point, let’s just change the name of the show to America’s Next Top Revolve Influencer. Anyway, Victoria F impressed the Editor-in-Chief of Cosmo so much with her
makeout session modeling technique that she won the challenge. Her prize? Her photo with Peter would be on the cover of Cosmo. Which I have to say, would definitely be weird if she doesn’t end up winning. Like, deleting all traces from your ex from Instagram is hard enough—now imagine if those pictures were on the cover of a major magazine? Not to mention, the winner and his final pick usually get a PEOPLE cover, and I don’t know about you, but I would kinda take Cosmo. Bad sex tips and all, they’re less closely related to a tabloid that’s stocked on your average grocery store checkout counter. But it doesn’t really matter, because last night Cosmo announced they would not be publishing Victoria F’s cover in their digital issue or on their social media feeds.
Cosmo wasted literally no time in releasing a statement announcing their decision to pull Victoria F’s cover, releasing it at 9:17pm. That basically means that they waited until the precise minute the group date challenge was over on ABC to publish their announcement, and honestly, I respect the exacting degree of pettiness. They made this choice in response to news that Victoria F had modeled for a “White Lives Matter” clothing line. The company also has garments with the Confederate flag on it.
victoria f modeled for a white lives matter clothing brand she’s gotta go #TheBachelor 🤢 pic.twitter.com/OX7oajqjIF
— rach against the machine (@rchlmllnd) January 7, 2020
Editor-in-Chief Jessica Pels explained that when they devised and shot the challenge, they didn’t know who any of the contestants were and didn’t know about any of their pasts. Pels writes, “It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I found out that the woman I’d chosen had, in her past, modeled in an ad campaign wearing White Lives Matter attire.” She states, “Unequivocally, the White Lives Matter movement does not reflect the values of the Cosmo brand. We stand in solidarity with Black Lives Matter, and any cause that fights to end injustices for people of color.”
Surely, there will be people (like the people who responded in the above Twitter thread) who will say sh*t like, “you idiots, this is obviously referring to white and blue Marlins”, which obviously misses the point. The problem, which I feel like I’m on crazy pills for even needing to state it explicitly, is that printing White Lives Matter on apparel only works because it’s a pun. And the reason it could even be a pun is because of the Black Lives Matter movement, and because of subsequent backlash to that movement. In short, the puns only work because of people who don’t believe that black people are killed by police at disproportionate rates and with little accountability, who think that asserting the humanity of a minority somehow diminishes the humanity of the majority. Similarly, even if you were the biggest Marlin lover in the world, you probably wouldn’t buy these shirts unless you also agreed with White Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter as they relate to humans. Coupled with the fact that the company also has apparel with the Confederate flag, and it’s not hard to figure out who their target audience is. In short, this company knew exactly what they were doing when they made these shirts, and so does anyone who buys them. Y’all are not cute or slick for trying to claim it’s not problematic on a technicality.
Victoria F’s cover will still be available in print issues, because it was printed before Cosmo learned about the controversy. And, Cosmo only pulled Victoria F’s cover in the digital issue; she still appears in their online feature entitled “We Spent An Entire Day In Costa Rica With A Shirtless Peter Weber”. Which is kind of a weird choice, in my opinion—they could have easily chosen to not publish the one photo of her if they take such an issue with her past.
Victoria F hasn’t responded to this controversy, or really any controversy about her (and there has been quite a lot), but I have a feeling that the second she gets eliminated she’s going to go on a huge image rehabilitation tour. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for, because it will give me enough content to propel me into 2021.
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I live for a good headline, so it should come as a surprise to no one that I clicked a story titled, “5 Positions to Use With Homemade Sex Toys”. Just to be clear, I didn’t click and read this entire article on, you guessed it, Cosmopolitan, because I am trying to break into the DIY sex toy industry, but rather because I had a rough morning and needed a good LOL. This article definitely worked.
As the guy I’m seeing continuously reminds me, I’m no sex savant, but after reading a few articles on this ridiculous publication that somehow still exists, I have to say, neither are Cosmo’s writers. I didn’t read the story with the intention of picking apart every little thing because I just don’t have that kind of time, but before I get into it, I would just like to destroy the title real quick. There is never a need to make your own sex toys or vibrators. If you’re traveling and forgot to pack one, an electric toothbrush is not the answer. I read this article with no intention of trying out any of these, but after reading the very persuasive dek (“These sex positions you can—and should—do RTFN.”), I decided they were right: I should do one of these right the f*ck now!
So I did number one and it was horrible. In other news, the pope is Catholic. I first read this “tip” in our article on terrible sex advice when you’re home for the holidays, and decided I had to try this out for myself to try to figure out what kind of deranged person would think this was a good idea. Here is what Cosmo wanted me and this poor guy who didn’t know what he was getting himself into to do:
If you are staying at someone’s house over the holidays and need to avoid certain seminal evidence, make the easiest masturbator ever by filling a plastic sandwich bag with lube. Put a sock around it for a better grip and stroke up and down your partner’s penis while they rub you. Afterward, seal it up then hide the living hell out of that baggie.
First of all, I’m starting a petition to have the phrase “seminal evidence” deleted from the English language. Secondly, isn’t the “easiest masturbator ever,” like, your hand? Third, and perhaps most important, this is just jerking someone off with a lot of unnecessary equipment, and it doesn’t seem like I get anything out of it. If all he has to do is touch my clit using what he normally uses (his hand), why do I need a makeshift condom and a f*cking sock to get him off?
Lastly, if he’s finishing in the sandwich bag (which I’m instructed to hide instead of throw away????), are we not having sex after? This weird rubbing is the whole show? Honestly, not that I ever think about this, but if I did, I imagine this is how Pete Buttigieg prefers to be jacked off. It’s so weird and too sterile to be enjoyed by anyone else.
Anyway, for the sake of journalism, I put my woes aside and spent the money I was planning on using for dinner on $27 lube and plastic baggies. Here we go, folks.
To set the scene, he was laying on his back propped up against all 72 of my pillows and I was sitting on my knees facing him. I know this sounds really awkward, and, don’t worry, it sure was, but this was the only way to do it without getting lube everywhere, which would have been decidedly more uncomfortable. Now, I was off to an awkward start because I haven’t actually given a hand job since high school, I think, and kind of forgot what to do. He was laying there looking like he’d rather claw his own throat out than let me put his dick in a lube-filled baggie, but because he’s an angel, I guess, he let me get a few strokes in before we officially agreed this was f*cking awful.
Honestly, this wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have muted the baggie, which sounded like unwrapping one of those butterscotch candies at your grandma’s house. My guy didn’t seem to mind the crinkly sound, but I did, so I tried to cover it up by rambling complete nonsense. Turns out that kinda kills the mood!
As far as the the sock, we didn’t use one because we didn’t see the point unless we were using a barre sock with grips on the bottom. Wouldn’t a very smooth sock against a very smooth baggie make you lose your grip as opposed to making it better?
Anyway, even though I sincerely tried to make this a good experience for him, there was something violently unappealing about stroking someone’s dick that’s both drenched in lube and wrapped in a f*cking ziploc bag that made me want to call the whole thing off. For the record, he didn’t hate it as much as I thought he would, but I just couldn’t get past the fact that there was a plastic bag between my hand and his dick.
As for the rubbing me part, there were approximately zero angles to even try this without lube getting everywhere. So after what felt like 800 years, we finally called it. Even though he was the only one getting ~pleasure~ out of this, I still wanted to thank him for agreeing to let me
ruin sex for him drain our dignity together, so I gave him a blowjob, which, if you can believe it, is even better than a baggie for disposing of “seminal evidence.” Should I become a sex writer?
If I don’t win a Pulitzer for journalism after this, I quit. I did learn one valuable lesson, though, and that is: lube is low-key an important substance to have handy. Just for sh*ts and gigs the next morning, we put some of this on before sex and it was quite possibly the best sex I’ve ever had. He also definitely enjoyed me putting it on beforehand (probably because no baggies were involved), so maybe Cosmo should write about that instead of instructing women to suck on a f*cking ice cube seconds before going down on someone? Just a thought.
Images: Yifan Zhang / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
If you couldn’t guess from the headline of this article, today we’re going to be discussing spoilers for this season of The Bachelorette! So uh, if you’re one of the 10 people who doesn’t know about the ending of this season yet, feel free to stop reading now.
*moment of silence so hopefully I don’t get yelled at in the comments for spoilers*
Okay, we back. So at this point, it’s not really even a spoiler to say that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on The Bachelorette. I feel like I practically know the woman at this point, and there’s no doubt that Jed is a lying piece of sh*t who only wants to promote his equally sh*tty music. The thing that is still a spoiler is that Jed ends up winning this season, outlasting douchelord Luke and man of my dreams, Tyler.
Diving further into the spoilers, last week Reality Steve broke the news that Hannah ended her engagement with Jed after finding out about the girlfriend stuff, and now their relationship is apparently 100% over. I’m happy for her, and I’m also happy that the breakup was reportedly filmed and will be shown on After The Final Rose. Thank God for Mike Fleiss being a messy bitch who lives for drama.
While all of this drama with Jed is interesting, it’s not truly surprising, because literally all men are trash. What actually surprises me is how widely this season’s spoilers have spread. Last night, I was casually scrolling down Twitter when I happened upon this tweet from Cosmo:Okay Cosmo, feeling reckless?? If you’ll notice, up at the top of this article, I put a nice little warning that I was going to talk about spoilers for the rest of The Bachelorette. It took me 10 seconds to write! I’ve never cared that much about spoilers, but there are some people who would be seriously disappointed to see this from a mainstream account like Cosmo.
This specific tweet might have been a faux pas, but it’s representative of a larger trend that’s happening with The Bachelorette this year. While spoilers for this show have always been pretty easily accessible, usually you have to go looking for them at least a little bit. Everyone knows that you shouldn’t follow Reality Steve if you don’t want spoilers, but usually major entertainment accounts aren’t just spoiling the show right on their feed. At least, not without warning people first.
Is this just a natural progression of everyone living their lives on social media? Or has the ongoing saga of Hannah B and Jed unlocked something specific in Bachelor nation? I have a feeling that it’s a bit of both. Obviously, it can be tough to avoid spoilers for any show on social media. I didn’t even watch Game of Thrones, but I still knew exactly what happened in each episode from spending two minutes on Twitter.
But also, people have really been loving Hannah as the Bachelorette this season, and to hear that Jed so thoroughly f*cked her over is just…ugh. Usually I don’t really care about these people, but I think everyone really just wants the best for Hannah B. I’m glad that she’s kicked Jed to the curb, because she definitely deserves better.
Even if we already pretty much know exactly what’s going to happen, I’m fascinated to watch the end of this season play out, especially with the drama that’s going to happen on After The Final Rose. It’s going to be a wild ride, and obviously we’ll keep you updated with any new spoilers. That is, if you don’t see them on Twitter first.
Images: ABC, cosmopolitan / Twitter
We all know Cosmo is THE Bible when it comes to anything sex-related, or at least they like to act like it. So who better to turn to when your love life is in need of a jumpstart, or if you want to try some new tricks in the bedroom? They give good advice sometimes, but a lot of the tips they give are more fit for an Olympic gymnast than your average betch. There’s nothing I like more than a challenge, so I
persuaded kindly asked my boyfriend to try out these Cosmo sex tips that they’ve deemed “extra-romantic.” Aaaand I also made him agree to let me write about it on the internet. Why is he still with me? I will never know. But here we go.
We originally were going to try these positions over a few days, because sex is a legit workout (as we already know). But we were feeling ambitious, and slightly competitive, so we challenged ourselves to see if we could do them all in one night. And we did. Honestly, it’s been a couple weeks, and I’m still tired. So did the so-called “extra-romantic” sex positions live up to what was promised? Here are all of my thoughts.
Position 1: Lovers Entwined…Who Can’t Unwind
The Position: You and your partner lay on your sides facing each other. Lift one leg over his hips for easier access.
Why It’s Romantic: Cosmo suggests this one as a lazy morning position. It’s uber-romantic because of all the “deep kisses, hugging, and stroking each other’s bodies.”
The Verdict: The name does not lie. While they aren’t wrong about this romantic position being a lazy alternative, morning breath was definitely an issue. I love my boyfriend and feel 100% comfortable with him, but my breath in the morning is neither cute nor romantic, and I don’t need to make him suffer through that. Although Cosmo suggests freshening up in the bathroom before, I’m not down to falsely advertise that I woke up like that. But regardless, the real reason I didn’t love this position is because of all the twisting in ways my body just isn’t supposed to move. I have to say, this isn’t going to be a frequent position in our repertoire. Thank u, next.
Position 2: Cupid’s (Too Big) Arrow
The Position: Start in Girl-On-Top (a fan fav) but keep your legs together in between your Bae’s to create a tighter feel.
Why It’s Romantic: Cosmo claims that having a girl who knows what she is doing is hella sexy. Plus your boobs are in his face.
The Verdict: So if your SO isn’t especially well-endowed, then this is one Cosmo sex tip you won’t want to forget. I’m not gonna brag but…my boyfriend didn’t fit. So we moved on to the next position v quick.
Position 3: *Defs Not* Lazy Cowgirl
The Position: Start in Reverse Cowgirl and lean forward so your back is flat and your chest is resting on his legs.
Why It’s Romantic: Men are visual creatures–letting him feel AND see you is going to go over real well.
The Verdict: I don’t know what is supposedly lazy about this cowgirl, because I was doing alll the work. But I have to say, this position was a winner. Not only did my boyfriend get to watch my ass the entire time, but I got to watch Friends while this all went down. Win-win. Since testing this out, we’ve incorporated this particular sex tip into the bedroom routine.
Position 4: The
Star-Crossed Awkward Lovers
The Position: Your SO sits up with his legs straight in front of him and leans back with his arms supporting him. You climb on top, with your legs bent on either side of him and leaning back on your arms as well.
Why It’s Romantic: According to Cosmo, this position allows for deep eye contact, which is v romantic.
The Verdict: Cosmo admits that this one “is tricky to get situated” and boy, they were not wrong. My problem with this position is that you kinda start squishing his legs after a while (unless you are a size 00). But besides that, you get to lean back and your boobs are on display for him to see. If you’re fine with eye contact, this one is perfect for you, but we found it awkward to just stare at each other but be too far away to make out.
Position 5: Two Of Hearts (AKA Lotus)
The Position: Better known as the Lotus position. He sits with his legs crossed and you sit on top of him with your legs wrapped around his back.
Why It’s Romantic: Basically every inch of your bodies are touching, which is fab. According to Cosmo, you should “Take your time and kiss him deeply, suck his earlobes, and whisper dirty/lovey things in his ears.”
The Verdict: If you thought the position above was difficult to get into, you are in for a rude awakening here. Having my entire bodyweight on my boyfriend is not an ideal position for me, but we tried it anyway. What I did like about this position was the ability to make out and the lack of awkward, distant eye contact. Cosmo suggests that for “extra decadence” you have champagne and chocolate strawberries on hand to feed each other. But this girl is on a budget and has white sheets, so we passed on that.
Even if my boyfriend and I don’t have a dead bedroom, it was still fun to try all these different positions. Although most of them will not be repeated anytime soon, we did have fun and some good laughs. I wouldn’t whip these moves out on a first date, but they’re fun to try if you feel really comfortable with your partner. Of course, sex should always feel good for all parties involved, so don’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Just one final note: if you and bae are thinking of trying any (or all) of these, I’d suggest not trying them all in the same night…just trust me.
Images: Becca Tapert / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Look guys, I don’t know what the f*ck is wrong with the writers at Cosmo. Are they on drugs? Have they never met people before? Are they all just f*cking with us for the fun of it? It’s hard to tell when they continue to give the worst advice ever. Their sex tips could get you arrested, make someone infertile, or at the very least, convince a guy you’re batshit crazy. But I guess they’re just super bored over there, because Cosmo does not know where to stop. In addition to wild sex tips, they also offer super solid relationship advice. Turn off Dr. Phil, here are the relationship tips you never knew you needed:
If He Thinks You’re Bad With Money, It Means He’s Going To Propose
“It’s that when he sees you buy that bag, he envisions you 20 years from now sneaking off to Vegas and blowing the kids’ college funds in an orgy of high-end boutique shopping and late-night keno. In a twisted way, his concern is kind of endearing, because it probably means he’s thinking about marrying you at some point.”
Or he’s pissed that you’re spending rent money on dumb shit and he has to pick up the slack? If he’s complaining that you’re bad with money, he def does not want to marry you. He’s probably thinking the exact opposite, like “Oh shit, if we’re married then it’s ‘our money’, and I will be f*cked.”
Proper Hygiene Means He’s Cheating
“He steps up the grooming. ‘This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: if your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,’ says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: he’s spending more time at the gym.”
Is your boyfriend finally trimming his hair after you’ve bitched about it for three months? Is he showering regularly? Is his dirty laundry suddenly making it into the hamper? Has he finally decided to do something about his holiday weight? According to Cosmo, your bf is screwing his work wife and also thinks he’s a porn star. The only way to save this mess of a relationship is to dramatically accuse him of cheating with your ~evidence~. He’ll really appreciate it and vow to never do anything you ask again.
Don’t Tell Him If You Cheat
“Your mother may have told you that honesty is the best policy, but in this case, many experts advise keeping your mouth shut. ‘If it really was just one indiscretion, don’t tell him,’ says psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner, PhD, author of Cheaters. ‘Although it might make you feel better, it will only hurt him and ruin the trust between you.'”
Ah, yes. The foundation of any healthy relationship, hiding your infidelity. You’re accusing him of cheating for changing his socks every day, but def don’t tell him that you actually cheated. Who needs therapy when Cosmo is there for you? Who is this f*cking expert and where did you get your PhD? The hurting him and the ruining of trust came from your f*cking someone else, not the telling part of it. And my degree is in animation. Congrats on your fairytale marriage!
Be An Asshole And Then Bribe Him
“Cut him in line at Starbucks like an a**hole but then pay for his latte like an angel. This way he knows you’re both assertive and rich. First he’ll be like, ‘I cannot believe this woman just cut me in line, I’m going to be so late!’ but then he’ll be like, ‘Wow she was actually doing a kind gesture, we should date and maybe get married.'”
Oh, where to begin with this one? First of all, I really like that being able to afford a prob $5 latte shows men that you are rich. Also, cutting someone in line in LA is a really good way to get stabbed because we don’t f*ck around here, especially pre-coffee. But like maybe after he stabs you, he’ll want to get married? Also, why is buying someone a latte (against their will, I might add) grounds for marriage? Cosmo, your standards suck.
Pretend You Know How To Read
“Ask him what book he’s reading and then say, ‘That one’s good, but her other work is much better,’ no matter what book it is.”
In the same advice article, Cosmo also wants you to look like a complete f*cking idiot. I’m not convinced any of these morons know how to read anything more complex than Cosmo. One Redditor was hoping the guy was reading Mein Kampf, which would be absolutely f*cking hilarious. It is so obnoxious when you can tell someone is lying about liking something to look cool and makes you look way dumber than just saying you haven’t read it and asking what it’s about. This is just like when I met my work crush’s girlfriend and I described my writing style by listing an author I drew inspiration from, and she told me he was her favorite author and then she couldn’t talk about it at all. It was soooo embarassing and also I loved it. Then she brought her vape out and asked me if I had cocaine. Needless to say, they broke up and I no longer was interested because I am not following up that trash person. Don’t f*cking do this.
So yeah, take any dating advice you read with a huge grain of salt. Otherwise, you might end up stabbed in a coffee shop or something. I love Cosmo as much as the next person, but this stuff is literally insane.
Is your sex life getting staler than that box of Special K you bought when Obama was still in office? Is your boyfriend still jack-hammering away with all the imagination of a DMV worker? Well Cosmo is the place to turn, right? RIGHT? Just like listening to your drunk grandpa tell you about all the tail he pulled at Woodstock, Cosmo’s sex advice is best taken with a sizable grain of salt. “I’ve got a life to lead and orgasms to achieve! Get to the point bro!” Alright, alright. Keep your Lululemons on. I’m still working on my first cup of coffee. Grab your Rabbits and rosé, it’s time to run down some Cosmo sex tips.
“Workout together and then bone. Get those endorphins going before you get each other going. Meow!”
In theory, this sounds great. But in reality, not so much. You ever smell a locker room on a humid summer day? Now imagine that locker room has a penis and that penis is on a sweaty collision course with your vagina. Yea, it’s a no from me. If your guy goes hard at the gym (which I’m guessing he does because you only date the best, obvi) he probably smells worse than the bathroom line at Coachella. Instead of hopping off the treadmill and into the sack, I’d recommend a couple’s shower with a little foreplay first. That way you can enjoy that runner’s high without losing your lunch.
“Use your tongue to stimulate other, non-penis parts of your partner, like his inner thigh or right above his crotch. Your mouth in that general neighborhood will heighten all his nerves, making the actual BJ-sitch all the more exciting.”
I always thought the whole delayed gratification, tease-before-you-please shtick was a bunch of BS until a girlfriend casually blew my mind one night, and wow, was I wrong. As much as men just want you to stick it in your mouth, the resulting BJ after using this technique is damn near revolutionary. Easily 50-1,000% better, according to scientific calculations. And for girls that aren’t the biggest fans of giving head, I can guarantee he will finish faster, meaning less work for you and more pleasure for him. It’s a win-win.
“Slip a donut around his dick, then eat it off”
Every time I accidentally bite my lip I want to throw my plate, my food, and myself right out a 10-story window. So no, I don’t want teeth on or around my dick area at all. Does this really need an explanation? Nothing is less sexy than an impromptu circumcision. While you’re at it, why not blow him with a cup of coffee in your mouth to really ruin his life? Even in the best-case scenario, I end up covered in glaze and not the kind I expected or asked for. Hard pass on this doughnut debacle. Keep the food in the fridge where it belongs.
“Spice up missionary with this classic twist. Try stacking a few pillows underneath your butt before your partner enters via peen or strap-on. This totally changes up the angle and offers *~ deeper ~* penetration.”
Cosmo is right on the money with this one. People are always attempting outlandish shit in the bedroom without trying to just improve on the classics. If you think the deeper the better, then the pillow trick is for you. If you’re really trying to get crazy, have him throw your legs over his shoulders for even deeper penetration. This is probably already has some catchy name like “union of the pigeon” or “the tantric trombone,” but I figured I’d include it anyway.
“House Party: The rules are simple: no one orgasms until you’ve boned in every room of the house.”
So then right after boning we gotta bust out the Windex and wipe down the whole house? I think I’ll be happier not getting sweat stains on every surface, thanks. The great thing about a bed is you can throw the sheets in the washer when you’re done. How are you going to get into a groove if you’re too focused on not making a mess? Also, thanks Cosmo for reminding my girlfriend that I live in a studio apartment and putting me on blast. Real chill. Unless you’re gonna foot the bill for extra bedrooms, kindly stop throwing shade.
“Not So Fast: Lie naked in bed and have your guy stand at the doorway to the bedroom. Test how well he knows you by asking him questions about yourself – they can range from sexy (what’s your favorite position) to personal (name your dream vacation spot). Once he correctly answers enough questions to reach the bed, go at it. The teasing aspect will drive up his lust, and he’ll also learn new things about you.”
What fresh hell is this? This sounds like a great way to interrogate suspected criminals, not tantalize your partner. Getting quizzed by your S.O. about personal details can be intimidating over dinner, let alone when you’re at half-mast and swinging in the breeze. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve got a pretty bad memory when I have a boner. Yes, we love knowing all there is to know about you, but no one enjoys being put on the spot. Remember when the teacher would randomly call on you in class and you’d desperately try to stammer out the quadratic equation? Same thing here, except you’re butt-ass naked and there’s no excitable mathlete to bail you out. Just play this game with pants on the next time you’re Ubering to brunch.
“This is So Wrong: Don’t risk full on public sex, but do test the limits of how kinky you can get outside of your apartments with low-key things like: 1) Hooking up in your friend’s bathroom at a house party. 2) Hook up with the door open while your roommate is home.”
Low-key? There’s nothing low-key about banging in a friend’s bathroom. I’d like my towel rack to remain HPV free, thank you very much. Unless you’ve run out of ways to try and get out of the friendship, don’t hook up in a friend’s house without their permission. If you’re absolutely determined to be a degenerate, bathroom bang at a rando’s house where you don’t care about the consequences. But don’t come crying to me when y’all both get tossed out on your bare asses. Smh.
And now for suggestion two. Are you trying to wage psychological warfare on your roommate? I’m sure she’ll really appreciate coming home after a long day at work and trying to watch Better Call Saul over the sounds of your guttural moaning. The only thing this is good for is getting your ass evicted and/or passive-aggressively reminding her that she’s single af. Be a human being and shut the damn door.
Images: Giphy (2)
I won’t lie—I fell into a pretty serious rabbit hole of bad sex advice while researching this. And somewhere around the Men’s Health column that called the vagina a “mysterious pleasure organ”, I came to the conclusion that men should be banned from the written word, but more importantly, that most bad sex advice has one thing in common: someone is severely overthinking it. I totally get it; from my research alone, I already feel I’ve exhausted all possible contortions of the human body. (I’m also obsessively Googling “how flexible is the average woman” but that’s neither here nor there.) But no matter how hard you’re trying to spice up your love life, some sex positions just aren’t worth it. Read on for my list of completely absurd positions you should never attempt (no matter how far into a 30-day “revive your relationship” challenge you are).
“The View” was recommended by Cosmo and it’s like reverse cowgirl, but way harder (hooked yet?). Instead of JUST straddling your partner, you fully lie down. Now that you have some nice boob-on-calf action going (my fave), you’re meant to begin “pretty much twerking.” Yes, while lying down. And yes, this is “the view” the name of this sex position is referencing. That of your partner watching you desperately try to heave your ass a few inches into the air while all gravity and logic defies you. (You could sneak your hands and feet onto the ground for leverage, but that’s just a push up.) Basically, twerking standing up in a cool, dry room was already my nightmare. Twerking lying down naked with a dick inside me is a little much.
Yeah, I can’t do anything like this:
You know when you see a spider and you’re like “ooh that’s hot, let’s name a sex position after it”? Well, the good people of Men’s Health have you covered. You and your partner crab walk toward each other until your genitals are appropriately entwined. Then you guys rock back and forth, while still balancing on your hands and feet. My main issue with this (other than the set-up it requires), is how very gently you’ll need to rock. If there’s a dick involved, it seems like more than a few inches would cause the whole thing to collapse. Also, Men’s Health cites one of the benefits of this position as “you both can still maintain eye contact.” Because who doesn’t love adding prolonged eye contact to some very controlled thrusting? At least the eye contact will make it easier for your partner to see the fear in your eyes.
Bonus: Women’s Health’s version of this recommends that you slide ice cubes down your partner’s torso. You know, so that the freezing water POOLS WHERE YOU MEET. This is the most traumatized I’ve been envisioning freezing water since the first time I saw Titanic.
You would kind of hope Women’s Health would have more realistic sex positions than Men’s Health, but here we are. X-Factor is missionary—now make it sexy terrible. Instead of aligning your bodies to have both heads in the same general area (way too boring, am I right), your partner lies on top of you so that you form the letter X. Since the important parts are still mashing together, I guess that’s where the sex is taking place. (Though with a P-in-V situation, I feel like either the P or V would need to have a significant curve.) This seems like a fun position for mouthing “how’s it going over there” as your partner valiantly strives to balance on top of you and all the blood rushes to their unsupported head. Also, if you’re only turned on by one side of your partner’s body, then this is the move for you. It doesn’t seem like a fun position for orgasms, avoiding chafing, or any other of my admittedly low-key sex goals.
This is just an even more fucked-up version of everyone’s favorite pile driver position. That’s where you assume the plow pose (ass up, legs overhead, uncomfortable amount of weight on your neck), and then your partner lowers down on said ass and bangs you from above. We’ve already mentioned the damage this is likely to do to your neck, but pause for a second and truly imagine it. In the Spread Eagle variation recommended by Refinery29, you spread your legs wide from this position. As a plus, you could definitely hurt yourself so badly that you’re not allowed to go to the gym for several months. And it does seem like a sick deal for the partner on top (Refinery29 notes that they don’t have to do “that much work, just hold up”). But the partner on the bottom who’s tearing both inner thigh muscles and slowly feeling their head separate from their body can’t be loving this.
Again, my body cannot do this:
Whatever you want to do in the bedroom is totally your right, obviously. But in the interest of safety and not being a complete fucking weirdo, probably skip the above sex positions. Good luck out there.
Images: Giphy (4); David Hofmann / Unsplash
Halloween is officially around the corner, and there are three options: 1) dedicate all your time and energy to a very cool, original costume that someone will eventually throw up on, 2) throw some bullshit together last minute, or 3) wear what everybody else is wearing and just hope your version isn’t the shittiest. I’ve tried all three Halloween methods in my lifetime, and I gotta say, number three is definitely the most satisfying. You get the joy of wearing a cool costume without getting your hopes up too much that everything will change once your ex sees you in your spot-on Sexy Demogorgon costume.
So how do you figure out what people are wearing this year so that you can copy it with minimal effort? Pinterest, duh! According to Cosmo, these are the top pinned costumes for 2017, so check it out and get to filling your Amazon cart:
First of all, if you’re doing a couples costume, maybe reconsider? Is this relationship really in it for the long haul? Do you want to work hard on a super cute Old People From Up costume with some fuckboy just to delete it in a post-breakup rage later? Are you secretly annoying the fuck out of everyone around you? These are all important things to consider before committing to a couple’s costume.
Daenerys Targaryen And Jon Snow
Obviously. This is the kind of costume that seems like a winner but in actuality is going to be expensive and a pain in the ass to pull off. Unless you and your boyfriend just happen to have a long black fur cloak, two dragons, and a fuckton of swords lying around, just don’t do it.
90s nostalgia got errybody out here tryna be a Rugrat. And honestly, with so many Rugrats to choose from, this is a pretty good option. Phil and Lil are probably the easiest (overalls, bow, no bow, vague incest vibes), whereas a Tommy Pickles costume gets you to the whole point of Halloween: leaving the house without any pants.
‘Big Little Lies’
Oooh, a costume party within a costume party, aren’t you meta? Every friend group that’s ever dreamed of someday becoming
murderers Monterey Bay housewives will be doing some variety of the Audrey Hepburn costumes from Big Little Lies, or you could just like, be Audrey Hepburn.
We’re still doing this one, I guess. Searches for these costumes are up 40% from last year, which is insane because last year was like, the year of r
ealizing Stranger Things. Anyway, you might be tempted to be Eleven, but my vote is for sexy demogorgon all the way.
Apparently this boxer costume has been pinned more than 5,000 times?!? It’s cute, but like, random. But hey, it’s cute and you’ll definitely be able to repurpose every aspect of this costume for later use. Except maybe the gloves.
The Four Seasons
If you want to indicate to everyone around you that you and your friends are try-hards with a lot of time on your hands, please show up as the four seasons. You’ll know which one is the dud of the group because she’ll be the one dressed as a big fall pumpkin.
I mean, we all have to so something with our free red bathing suits from SunnyCo Clothing, right? This is less of a costume and more of a thinly veiled excuse to wear your high-cut red one piece one more time before winter, but whatever. As we know, Halloween is the one night a year you can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything, so you have a right to celebrate in any way you see fit.
If you’re going to do this, do it right because everyone is going to be Wonder Woman this year. If you decide to go this route, just know that you will be one of five Wonder Women at any given location, so you’d better be the
This has a very sexy schoolgirl vibe, and it is honestly very cute if you ignore the fact that you’re kind of pretending to be a slutty 6-year-old (or would that be Brownies?). Also literally all you need is a green sash. Honestly, nobody be this one. I’m doing it.
Nah. Hard pass. No thanks. Only included it here to say publicly that if I see a girl at my Halloween party dressed as Groot, I’m calling the cops.
I’m A Mouse, Duh!
If you’re not tryna
be basic af wear a costume that’s been pinned 10,000 times, you’re in luck because we are bringing back our classic I’m A Mouse Duh costume and debuting a new Boo You Whore oversize T-shirt dress just in time for Halloween. They’re minimal effort, cute af, and will make amazing walk of shame attire for wherever you end up on November 1st.