Ah, Cosmo. While I’m sure that, at one point in time, it was a radical feminist publication, now it mainly serves as a source of a good laugh—at least, as far as their sex tips are concerned. I feel like their pitch meetings must consist of a bunch of bored twentysomethings sitting at a table playing sexual MadLibs. “I need an O-shaped noun, a synonym for penis, and an adverb!” “Bagel, member, discreetly!” “Yes, that’s it! ‘Place a bagel atop your man’s member and discreetly move it in small circles…” I’m not mad about it, because it’s given us plenty of material to roast. We’ve come for their dating advice, their sex positions, and oh yeah, that one homemade sex toy involving a sock and a plastic bag. I feel like at this point they should put a disclaimer at the top of these articles that reads, “No sexually active persons were involved in the making of this article.” And now they are back at it again, with an article oddly specifically titled, “This Sext Has A 99.2% Success Rate” that ran in the February 2020 print issue of the magazine. *Cracks knuckles gleefully* I can’t wait for this.
First thoughts: A 99.2% success rate? Wow, that’s specific! How did they arrive at this figure, you ask? Was it through analyzing data received from surveys? A double-blind empirical study? Not quite. Per the article’s dek, the author in question asked nearly 1,000 guys to “share their takes on the hottest sexts they’ve ever seen”. After “some collating, synthesizing, and data analyzing,” Cosmo returns with the “top-ten ranking of the world’s most effective sexts.” Wait, so is this a ranking or a guarantee for success? Because if it’s a ranking, then by definition, some of these sexts will be less effective than others. And if they’re all 99.2% effective, then there is no ranking. So I ask you, Cosmo:
Ambiguous methodology aside, that’s not why we are really here. We are obviously here to get a load of what cringey messages Cosmo is passing off as fool-proof sexts. And there are some real winners in this list:
Okay, so I guess the first thing I feel the need to point out is that half of these are only a good idea to send if you actually want the recipient of your texts to come over at 2am. In which case, you can skip all the soft-core porn language and just be like “U up? Come over.” I promise you he will get the point. Because if you are just like, feeling yourself and want some assistance while you rub one out (don’t worry, I will be throwing myself in the nearest ravine for that phrasing), the last thing you want is some horned-up dude showing up to your place because you low-key explicitly invited him over to jackhammer your cervix and then ask you if it was good. Now you have to deal with his general existence, ego, and the fact that he’s going to pass out spread eagle style and take up your entire bed…
Anyway. These sexts.
“I’m out with my friends and I’m secretly drenched just thinking about you” — I thought there was no word less sexy than “moist”, but somehow, “drenched” is really coming in a close second for me. Leave your tenth grade literary devices lesson at home, and just say you’re wet.
“Just showered. Wish you were here :(“ — I’m just personally against sending any message that, out of context, could 100% belong on r/niceguys or any Instagram account that exposes f*ckboys’ texts.
“I want you to finger me until I come on your hand” — Okay, are we spelling it “come” now? It’s only “cum” when guys do it? This is not really a point of contention, so much as me genuinely wanting to know. Not going to lie, I think they are on the money with the specificity of this one, I just think that specificity is misplaced. Never have I ever had a guy get excited about the prospect of fingering me until I came on his hand. His hand?! Eat me out until I came on his face? Absolutely. But I feel like if I sent this text about fingering, he’d just be like, “why? Are we in middle school?” I feel like there is a reason that there are no song lyrics about riding someone’s hand.
“NSFW Snap coming your way” —This one is hilarious for two reasons. One, you can just send the Snap without announcing you’re going to send it. It’s like people who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” before they ask you the actual question. But two, and more importantly, is the little author’s note, which reads, “The promise of visuals is key. No actual pics needed—it’s the tease itself that slays him.” I feel like they included this caveat so no one would accuse them of telling their audience to send nudes. If you’re not comfortable sending sexy pics, that is perfectly okay, and don’t do it. But also don’t promise to do it. That’s just weird! He’ll probably get turned on for like, 30 minutes, then get confused and send you a bunch of “?” texts, and then be like:
If you don’t send nudes, be upfront and tell whoever you’re texting that. A simple “I don’t do that” works. Don’t half-acquiesce, you’re just setting yourself up for more problems in the future.
And one final glaring hole I noticed in this list (no pun intended, I swear) is that nowhere is it encouraged for women to actually use the word pussy. I can promise you, it will not scare the guy off (the opposite, in fact—if you don’t believe me, just spend like, five minutes scrolling the comments section on Pornhub). And if it does? Good, that’s one guy you should not let near your—yeah, I’m going to say it—PUSSY. I just take an issue with the fact that this is attempting to (sort of) empower women to take control of their own sexuality (even if it is, in this instance, to ultimately please a man), and not even encourage them to even mention their own sex organs!!! If you hate the word on a personal level, that’s fine, but I’m a little shocked it didn’t come up in even one suggestion, when we have two sexts with the word “dick”.
To be fair, a bunch of these are solid sexts. “Can I come over and sit on your face”? classic. “I want your dick so bad”? a banger. “I can’t wait to come over and suck your dick”? Works 60% of the time, every time. Cosmo, I would say that you can do a little better than this, but I’m not really sure that you can, and at this point, I don’t even think I want you to.
Images: Michael Gresset / Unsplash; Cosmo; Giphy (2)
My frustration with women’s magazines is well-documented. However innocent the intention, their constant suggestions of how we can improve ourselves are at best, irritating and at worst, emotionally damaging. Some of the most egregious examples of this are the sex positions offered up by these publications, many of which seem to require the endurance of a marathon runner and the core strength of a yoga master. Because I live to troll am a very serious journalist, I’ve compiled a list of sex positions that need to be canceled yesterday.
1. Doorway Play
This wouldn’t be a proper article on sex positions if I didn’t start with a gem from our friends at Cosmo. They suggest that we simplify standing-up sex by, you guessed it, squatting in a doorway. As one does. To be more specific, “For this pose, have your guy squat with his back against one side of a doorway. His thighs should be parallel to the floor, and he can put his hands behind his lower back for cushioning. Stand facing away from him, spread your legs so they’re on either side of his, and then back up onto his member.” First of all, the word “squat” has no business being a part of any sex position, ever. I only squat in two instances: ehen I have to pee over a questionable toilet, when I am torturing myself working out. Secondly, if I can’t get through the thighs portion of a barre class without resembling a human vibrator, what bro is going to be able to remain in a perennial squat for three minutes an entire sex session? Sex is supposed to be fun, not a gym session masquerading as an earthquake drill. Hard pass.
2. Butter Churner
In case the name wasn’t enticing enough, allow me to paraphrase a position suggested by Women’s Health, of all places. The woman lies on her back with her legs in the air and pointing toward either side of the head. The man then SQUATS (*shudder*) and enters. You can tell that not even the writer of the article suggesting this farce is convinced, because the section telling the reader why it’s great warns that “our neck may get a cramp” and advises you to have your partner “go easy on the thrusts to avoid too much pressure on your upper body.” Hot! Not only will your partner look like a colonial woman on the wing an angry Amish man, if you’re both not super careful you’ll be just one neck spasm away from kickstarting the reboot of Sex Sent Me to the ER!
3. Standing 69
This suggestion by Glamour is the sex position equivalent of two people I despise having a baby. Standing-up sex has never been my thing because I’m extremely lazy busy, and I’m not convinced that people actively choose to 69 anymore (if they ever did). So, the Standing 69 sounds about as necessary as Ivanka Trump’s presence at a meeting of world leaders. If that’s not enough of a deterrent, it requires a level of athleticism that I simply do not possess: “One person stands upright, and the other goes into a handstand while the other holds them. This should allow you both to reach each other’s naughty bits, but you may have to cut it short before all the blood rushes to your head.” I love the casual “goes into a handstand” that they’ve thrown in there, as if it’s as easy as a quick flick of the wrist. For those who don’t have a crippling fear of being upside down, you just have to achieve orgasm before inducing a brain hemorrhage. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
4. The Condom Trick
Okay, so this isn’t technically a sex position, but this one is so absurd that it deserves inclusion on this list. According to the experts at Redbook, you should do the following if the guy you’re with does not want to wear a condom: “Try saying this: ‘But, baby, I need to practice putting them on with my mouth.’ Men love this. Let him know it’s an old hookers’ trick.” There is so much to unpack here. One, the term we are using nowadays is “sex worker”. More importantly, if you need to use a condom and your partner gives you a hard time, rather than using some weird seduction technique involving the term “old hookers”, you should just make sure you never give him a hard time ever again. Also, I have no earthly idea as to why anyone needs to spend time learning how to put a condom on sans hands. Personally, I’d rather use that time learning another language or, like, how to code, but call me crazy. Finally, this is simply something men can and should do on their own. It’s not enough that we live in a society where we are encouraged to remove every errant hair, wear underwear that rides up our asses, lose weight, and edit our photos to cover up any semblance of an imperfection with makeup; now we have to put the condoms on too? GTFO.
5. The Wanton Wheelbarrow
For a cute take on the classic wheelbarrow position, Cosmo suggests you do a forearm plank while simultaneously lifting one leg in the air as your partner enters you from behind, adding, “because this one requires a degree of balance and stretching ability, you’ll first want to be really careful that nothing hurts or feels off when you do it.” Why these sadists feel the need to make every sex position a thinly veiled bootcamp class is beyond me. I’m all for the idea of sex as a little light cardio, but I’ll save my stretching and balance practice for my ClassPass membership, TYVM. The gym and sex are my church and state, Cosmo, so you can go shave your back now take your suggestions elsewhere. And it’s 2019: everything hurts and feels off.
When it comes to sex, enjoying yourself is paramount. If any of the above sex positions sound appealing, you clearly have several Iron Mans under your belt go for it. If not, there is nothing wrong with sticking to what feels right for you and your partner. Sound off in the comments with any other sex positions you think are extra AF.
Images: Ruslan Zh / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
We all know Cosmo is THE Bible when it comes to anything sex-related, or at least they like to act like it. So who better to turn to when your love life is in need of a jumpstart, or if you want to try some new tricks in the bedroom? They give good advice sometimes, but a lot of the tips they give are more fit for an Olympic gymnast than your average betch. There’s nothing I like more than a challenge, so I
persuaded kindly asked my boyfriend to try out these Cosmo sex tips that they’ve deemed “extra-romantic.” Aaaand I also made him agree to let me write about it on the internet. Why is he still with me? I will never know. But here we go.
We originally were going to try these positions over a few days, because sex is a legit workout (as we already know). But we were feeling ambitious, and slightly competitive, so we challenged ourselves to see if we could do them all in one night. And we did. Honestly, it’s been a couple weeks, and I’m still tired. So did the so-called “extra-romantic” sex positions live up to what was promised? Here are all of my thoughts.
Position 1: Lovers Entwined…Who Can’t Unwind
The Position: You and your partner lay on your sides facing each other. Lift one leg over his hips for easier access.
Why It’s Romantic: Cosmo suggests this one as a lazy morning position. It’s uber-romantic because of all the “deep kisses, hugging, and stroking each other’s bodies.”
The Verdict: The name does not lie. While they aren’t wrong about this romantic position being a lazy alternative, morning breath was definitely an issue. I love my boyfriend and feel 100% comfortable with him, but my breath in the morning is neither cute nor romantic, and I don’t need to make him suffer through that. Although Cosmo suggests freshening up in the bathroom before, I’m not down to falsely advertise that I woke up like that. But regardless, the real reason I didn’t love this position is because of all the twisting in ways my body just isn’t supposed to move. I have to say, this isn’t going to be a frequent position in our repertoire. Thank u, next.
Position 2: Cupid’s (Too Big) Arrow
The Position: Start in Girl-On-Top (a fan fav) but keep your legs together in between your Bae’s to create a tighter feel.
Why It’s Romantic: Cosmo claims that having a girl who knows what she is doing is hella sexy. Plus your boobs are in his face.
The Verdict: So if your SO isn’t especially well-endowed, then this is one Cosmo sex tip you won’t want to forget. I’m not gonna brag but…my boyfriend didn’t fit. So we moved on to the next position v quick.
Position 3: *Defs Not* Lazy Cowgirl
The Position: Start in Reverse Cowgirl and lean forward so your back is flat and your chest is resting on his legs.
Why It’s Romantic: Men are visual creatures–letting him feel AND see you is going to go over real well.
The Verdict: I don’t know what is supposedly lazy about this cowgirl, because I was doing alll the work. But I have to say, this position was a winner. Not only did my boyfriend get to watch my ass the entire time, but I got to watch Friends while this all went down. Win-win. Since testing this out, we’ve incorporated this particular sex tip into the bedroom routine.
Position 4: The
Star-Crossed Awkward Lovers
The Position: Your SO sits up with his legs straight in front of him and leans back with his arms supporting him. You climb on top, with your legs bent on either side of him and leaning back on your arms as well.
Why It’s Romantic: According to Cosmo, this position allows for deep eye contact, which is v romantic.
The Verdict: Cosmo admits that this one “is tricky to get situated” and boy, they were not wrong. My problem with this position is that you kinda start squishing his legs after a while (unless you are a size 00). But besides that, you get to lean back and your boobs are on display for him to see. If you’re fine with eye contact, this one is perfect for you, but we found it awkward to just stare at each other but be too far away to make out.
Position 5: Two Of Hearts (AKA Lotus)
The Position: Better known as the Lotus position. He sits with his legs crossed and you sit on top of him with your legs wrapped around his back.
Why It’s Romantic: Basically every inch of your bodies are touching, which is fab. According to Cosmo, you should “Take your time and kiss him deeply, suck his earlobes, and whisper dirty/lovey things in his ears.”
The Verdict: If you thought the position above was difficult to get into, you are in for a rude awakening here. Having my entire bodyweight on my boyfriend is not an ideal position for me, but we tried it anyway. What I did like about this position was the ability to make out and the lack of awkward, distant eye contact. Cosmo suggests that for “extra decadence” you have champagne and chocolate strawberries on hand to feed each other. But this girl is on a budget and has white sheets, so we passed on that.
Even if my boyfriend and I don’t have a dead bedroom, it was still fun to try all these different positions. Although most of them will not be repeated anytime soon, we did have fun and some good laughs. I wouldn’t whip these moves out on a first date, but they’re fun to try if you feel really comfortable with your partner. Of course, sex should always feel good for all parties involved, so don’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Just one final note: if you and bae are thinking of trying any (or all) of these, I’d suggest not trying them all in the same night…just trust me.
Images: Becca Tapert / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Is your sex life getting staler than that box of Special K you bought when Obama was still in office? Is your boyfriend still jack-hammering away with all the imagination of a DMV worker? Well Cosmo is the place to turn, right? RIGHT? Just like listening to your drunk grandpa tell you about all the tail he pulled at Woodstock, Cosmo’s sex advice is best taken with a sizable grain of salt. “I’ve got a life to lead and orgasms to achieve! Get to the point bro!” Alright, alright. Keep your Lululemons on. I’m still working on my first cup of coffee. Grab your Rabbits and rosé, it’s time to run down some Cosmo sex tips.
“Workout together and then bone. Get those endorphins going before you get each other going. Meow!”
In theory, this sounds great. But in reality, not so much. You ever smell a locker room on a humid summer day? Now imagine that locker room has a penis and that penis is on a sweaty collision course with your vagina. Yea, it’s a no from me. If your guy goes hard at the gym (which I’m guessing he does because you only date the best, obvi) he probably smells worse than the bathroom line at Coachella. Instead of hopping off the treadmill and into the sack, I’d recommend a couple’s shower with a little foreplay first. That way you can enjoy that runner’s high without losing your lunch.
“Use your tongue to stimulate other, non-penis parts of your partner, like his inner thigh or right above his crotch. Your mouth in that general neighborhood will heighten all his nerves, making the actual BJ-sitch all the more exciting.”
I always thought the whole delayed gratification, tease-before-you-please shtick was a bunch of BS until a girlfriend casually blew my mind one night, and wow, was I wrong. As much as men just want you to stick it in your mouth, the resulting BJ after using this technique is damn near revolutionary. Easily 50-1,000% better, according to scientific calculations. And for girls that aren’t the biggest fans of giving head, I can guarantee he will finish faster, meaning less work for you and more pleasure for him. It’s a win-win.
“Slip a donut around his dick, then eat it off”
Every time I accidentally bite my lip I want to throw my plate, my food, and myself right out a 10-story window. So no, I don’t want teeth on or around my dick area at all. Does this really need an explanation? Nothing is less sexy than an impromptu circumcision. While you’re at it, why not blow him with a cup of coffee in your mouth to really ruin his life? Even in the best-case scenario, I end up covered in glaze and not the kind I expected or asked for. Hard pass on this doughnut debacle. Keep the food in the fridge where it belongs.
“Spice up missionary with this classic twist. Try stacking a few pillows underneath your butt before your partner enters via peen or strap-on. This totally changes up the angle and offers *~ deeper ~* penetration.”
Cosmo is right on the money with this one. People are always attempting outlandish shit in the bedroom without trying to just improve on the classics. If you think the deeper the better, then the pillow trick is for you. If you’re really trying to get crazy, have him throw your legs over his shoulders for even deeper penetration. This is probably already has some catchy name like “union of the pigeon” or “the tantric trombone,” but I figured I’d include it anyway.
“House Party: The rules are simple: no one orgasms until you’ve boned in every room of the house.”
So then right after boning we gotta bust out the Windex and wipe down the whole house? I think I’ll be happier not getting sweat stains on every surface, thanks. The great thing about a bed is you can throw the sheets in the washer when you’re done. How are you going to get into a groove if you’re too focused on not making a mess? Also, thanks Cosmo for reminding my girlfriend that I live in a studio apartment and putting me on blast. Real chill. Unless you’re gonna foot the bill for extra bedrooms, kindly stop throwing shade.
“Not So Fast: Lie naked in bed and have your guy stand at the doorway to the bedroom. Test how well he knows you by asking him questions about yourself – they can range from sexy (what’s your favorite position) to personal (name your dream vacation spot). Once he correctly answers enough questions to reach the bed, go at it. The teasing aspect will drive up his lust, and he’ll also learn new things about you.”
What fresh hell is this? This sounds like a great way to interrogate suspected criminals, not tantalize your partner. Getting quizzed by your S.O. about personal details can be intimidating over dinner, let alone when you’re at half-mast and swinging in the breeze. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve got a pretty bad memory when I have a boner. Yes, we love knowing all there is to know about you, but no one enjoys being put on the spot. Remember when the teacher would randomly call on you in class and you’d desperately try to stammer out the quadratic equation? Same thing here, except you’re butt-ass naked and there’s no excitable mathlete to bail you out. Just play this game with pants on the next time you’re Ubering to brunch.
“This is So Wrong: Don’t risk full on public sex, but do test the limits of how kinky you can get outside of your apartments with low-key things like: 1) Hooking up in your friend’s bathroom at a house party. 2) Hook up with the door open while your roommate is home.”
Low-key? There’s nothing low-key about banging in a friend’s bathroom. I’d like my towel rack to remain HPV free, thank you very much. Unless you’ve run out of ways to try and get out of the friendship, don’t hook up in a friend’s house without their permission. If you’re absolutely determined to be a degenerate, bathroom bang at a rando’s house where you don’t care about the consequences. But don’t come crying to me when y’all both get tossed out on your bare asses. Smh.
And now for suggestion two. Are you trying to wage psychological warfare on your roommate? I’m sure she’ll really appreciate coming home after a long day at work and trying to watch Better Call Saul over the sounds of your guttural moaning. The only thing this is good for is getting your ass evicted and/or passive-aggressively reminding her that she’s single af. Be a human being and shut the damn door.
Images: Giphy (2)
I remember feeling extremely cool in 7th grade sitting with my friends with a copy of Cosmo. It had “SEX” written all over it, and we would read the sex tips in earnest, feeling v edgy and like strong, powerful women, despite our training bras. Thankfully, we weren’t actually having sex, because some of the tips that Cosmo insisted will make you a sex goddess are fucking crazy. And would most definitely traumatize teenage boys. And the majority of grown men. And really anyone with a beating heart and/or conscience. Here are some of the worst Cosmo sex tips of all time that you should definitely not do.
1. Wear A Wet T-Shirt to Bed
“An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt. The sight was jaw-dropping.” –Nick, 30
More jaw-dropping than actually just seeing your gf’s breasts? Really, Nick? Are you sure you’re not 15?
Nick, probably: It was like I could almost see nipples.
In addition to being cold and uncomfortable, there’s nothing like getting all the sheets damp and fucked up because of your at-home wet T-shirt contest. Is it 1996? Are we on MTV’s Spring Break? WTF, Nick. I would be so pissed if someone put a soaking wet T-shirt into my perfectly made bed. And I’m the kind of psycho that is constantly eating in my bed. This is still too far.
2. Rug Burn His Dick
“Make two fists around his shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”
The image of girls doing this to unwitting teenage boys thinking it is sexy is absolutely fucking hilarious. Do not do this. This sounds like it would hurt a lot. And he would definitely think you are NOT a wanton sex goddess. If anything, this sounds like great self-defense advice. Also? I’m pretty sure this technique was banned as inhumane torture, and I don’t even think they did it to penises.
3. Milk Him Like A Cow
“It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren’t that sensitive. We need you to get a little rough with them – squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you’re milking a cow. You may think you’re hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he’d request more, more.” – Steven, 23
No, no, those are tears of JOY, not complete agony. Grown men cry when they accidentally sit on their testicles, but go ahead and milk them like a cow and squeeze hard. Disclaimer: He will no longer be able to have children, but people this dumb really shouldn’t be reproducing anyway. Let’s chalk it up to natural selection.
4. Shove Coins In Your Vag
“Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.”
First of all, there is no such thing as clean loose change, that shit is permanently dirty and no amount of soap will change my mind. Also, what the actual fuck? I don’t even like when someone touches me with cold hands, much less freezing cold dirty metal in my vagina. And why coins?? Why can’t you just use ice??! Also? Okay, so you’re sitting there with freezing coins inside of you (outside only). And you just like, sit there? And he sits there? What is the point of this? What part of this is pleasurable?
5. Put On An Accent
“Put on an accent. Try one out the next time you slip under the covers and see how long you can go (get it?) without breaking out of it. Bonus points if you can nail multiple British accents.”
Ohhhh, so this explains the Lindsay Lohan thing. She read Cosmo and thought having an insane nondescript accent was very sexy to men. If you want to be as sexy as LiLo, do this.
6. Sext Him About His Dad
“Text This: Was that your hand rubbing my leg under the table or your dad’s? Here’s Why: Meeting the parents is always a biggie – it’s good to lighten the mood with a little flirty humor.”
Nothing is sexier or less awkward than insinuating his dad is trying to fuck you. Bonus points if Dad’s still married to his mom. You’ll be all, “ooooh your dad is hot and rubbing my leg,” and he’ll be all, “Wait what the fuck? WHAT happened? That is horrible, I’m so sorry!” and call his mom crying, and when you explain that you made it up, he will run from your crazy ass. So sexy and romantic.
7. Hide Someone Else In The Closet Without Telling Him
“Have someone hide in the closet but don’t tell your partner. Next time you have a friend over and your partner comes home, shove the friend in the nearest room/closet/any space that is out of sight but also close enough that it’s weird. Then get it on. It’ll be just like every other time except for the fact that someone is secretly there watching you/covering their ears.”
K, so this one is very, very illegal, also it sounds like you have kidnapped the friend and forced them to watch you have sex against their will, which must be some kind of sex crime. *Calls the Special Victims Unit* Love that they added that the traumatized friend is also covering their ears. What could be sexier than ruining your friend’s life and violating your partner’s trust?
Images: Giphy (4)