I live for a good headline, so it should come as a surprise to no one that I clicked a story titled, “5 Positions to Use With Homemade Sex Toys”. Just to be clear, I didn’t click and read this entire article on, you guessed it, Cosmopolitan, because I am trying to break into the DIY sex toy industry, but rather because I had a rough morning and needed a good LOL. This article definitely worked.
As the guy I’m seeing continuously reminds me, I’m no sex savant, but after reading a few articles on this ridiculous publication that somehow still exists, I have to say, neither are Cosmo’s writers. I didn’t read the story with the intention of picking apart every little thing because I just don’t have that kind of time, but before I get into it, I would just like to destroy the title real quick. There is never a need to make your own sex toys or vibrators. If you’re traveling and forgot to pack one, an electric toothbrush is not the answer. I read this article with no intention of trying out any of these, but after reading the very persuasive dek (“These sex positions you can—and should—do RTFN.”), I decided they were right: I should do one of these right the f*ck now!
So I did number one and it was horrible. In other news, the pope is Catholic. I first read this “tip” in our article on terrible sex advice when you’re home for the holidays, and decided I had to try this out for myself to try to figure out what kind of deranged person would think this was a good idea. Here is what Cosmo wanted me and this poor guy who didn’t know what he was getting himself into to do:
If you are staying at someone’s house over the holidays and need to avoid certain seminal evidence, make the easiest masturbator ever by filling a plastic sandwich bag with lube. Put a sock around it for a better grip and stroke up and down your partner’s penis while they rub you. Afterward, seal it up then hide the living hell out of that baggie.
First of all, I’m starting a petition to have the phrase “seminal evidence” deleted from the English language. Secondly, isn’t the “easiest masturbator ever,” like, your hand? Third, and perhaps most important, this is just jerking someone off with a lot of unnecessary equipment, and it doesn’t seem like I get anything out of it. If all he has to do is touch my clit using what he normally uses (his hand), why do I need a makeshift condom and a f*cking sock to get him off?
Lastly, if he’s finishing in the sandwich bag (which I’m instructed to hide instead of throw away????), are we not having sex after? This weird rubbing is the whole show? Honestly, not that I ever think about this, but if I did, I imagine this is how Pete Buttigieg prefers to be jacked off. It’s so weird and too sterile to be enjoyed by anyone else.
Anyway, for the sake of journalism, I put my woes aside and spent the money I was planning on using for dinner on $27 lube and plastic baggies. Here we go, folks.
To set the scene, he was laying on his back propped up against all 72 of my pillows and I was sitting on my knees facing him. I know this sounds really awkward, and, don’t worry, it sure was, but this was the only way to do it without getting lube everywhere, which would have been decidedly more uncomfortable. Now, I was off to an awkward start because I haven’t actually given a hand job since high school, I think, and kind of forgot what to do. He was laying there looking like he’d rather claw his own throat out than let me put his dick in a lube-filled baggie, but because he’s an angel, I guess, he let me get a few strokes in before we officially agreed this was f*cking awful.
Honestly, this wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have muted the baggie, which sounded like unwrapping one of those butterscotch candies at your grandma’s house. My guy didn’t seem to mind the crinkly sound, but I did, so I tried to cover it up by rambling complete nonsense. Turns out that kinda kills the mood!
As far as the the sock, we didn’t use one because we didn’t see the point unless we were using a barre sock with grips on the bottom. Wouldn’t a very smooth sock against a very smooth baggie make you lose your grip as opposed to making it better?
Anyway, even though I sincerely tried to make this a good experience for him, there was something violently unappealing about stroking someone’s dick that’s both drenched in lube and wrapped in a f*cking ziploc bag that made me want to call the whole thing off. For the record, he didn’t hate it as much as I thought he would, but I just couldn’t get past the fact that there was a plastic bag between my hand and his dick.
As for the rubbing me part, there were approximately zero angles to even try this without lube getting everywhere. So after what felt like 800 years, we finally called it. Even though he was the only one getting ~pleasure~ out of this, I still wanted to thank him for agreeing to let me
ruin sex for him drain our dignity together, so I gave him a blowjob, which, if you can believe it, is even better than a baggie for disposing of “seminal evidence.” Should I become a sex writer?
If I don’t win a Pulitzer for journalism after this, I quit. I did learn one valuable lesson, though, and that is: lube is low-key an important substance to have handy. Just for sh*ts and gigs the next morning, we put some of this on before sex and it was quite possibly the best sex I’ve ever had. He also definitely enjoyed me putting it on beforehand (probably because no baggies were involved), so maybe Cosmo should write about that instead of instructing women to suck on a f*cking ice cube seconds before going down on someone? Just a thought.
Images: Yifan Zhang / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
My frustration with women’s magazines is well-documented. However innocent the intention, their constant suggestions of how we can improve ourselves are at best, irritating and at worst, emotionally damaging. Some of the most egregious examples of this are the sex positions offered up by these publications, many of which seem to require the endurance of a marathon runner and the core strength of a yoga master. Because I live to troll am a very serious journalist, I’ve compiled a list of sex positions that need to be canceled yesterday.
1. Doorway Play
This wouldn’t be a proper article on sex positions if I didn’t start with a gem from our friends at Cosmo. They suggest that we simplify standing-up sex by, you guessed it, squatting in a doorway. As one does. To be more specific, “For this pose, have your guy squat with his back against one side of a doorway. His thighs should be parallel to the floor, and he can put his hands behind his lower back for cushioning. Stand facing away from him, spread your legs so they’re on either side of his, and then back up onto his member.” First of all, the word “squat” has no business being a part of any sex position, ever. I only squat in two instances: ehen I have to pee over a questionable toilet, when I am torturing myself working out. Secondly, if I can’t get through the thighs portion of a barre class without resembling a human vibrator, what bro is going to be able to remain in a perennial squat for three minutes an entire sex session? Sex is supposed to be fun, not a gym session masquerading as an earthquake drill. Hard pass.
2. Butter Churner
In case the name wasn’t enticing enough, allow me to paraphrase a position suggested by Women’s Health, of all places. The woman lies on her back with her legs in the air and pointing toward either side of the head. The man then SQUATS (*shudder*) and enters. You can tell that not even the writer of the article suggesting this farce is convinced, because the section telling the reader why it’s great warns that “our neck may get a cramp” and advises you to have your partner “go easy on the thrusts to avoid too much pressure on your upper body.” Hot! Not only will your partner look like a colonial woman on the wing an angry Amish man, if you’re both not super careful you’ll be just one neck spasm away from kickstarting the reboot of Sex Sent Me to the ER!
3. Standing 69
This suggestion by Glamour is the sex position equivalent of two people I despise having a baby. Standing-up sex has never been my thing because I’m extremely lazy busy, and I’m not convinced that people actively choose to 69 anymore (if they ever did). So, the Standing 69 sounds about as necessary as Ivanka Trump’s presence at a meeting of world leaders. If that’s not enough of a deterrent, it requires a level of athleticism that I simply do not possess: “One person stands upright, and the other goes into a handstand while the other holds them. This should allow you both to reach each other’s naughty bits, but you may have to cut it short before all the blood rushes to your head.” I love the casual “goes into a handstand” that they’ve thrown in there, as if it’s as easy as a quick flick of the wrist. For those who don’t have a crippling fear of being upside down, you just have to achieve orgasm before inducing a brain hemorrhage. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
4. The Condom Trick
Okay, so this isn’t technically a sex position, but this one is so absurd that it deserves inclusion on this list. According to the experts at Redbook, you should do the following if the guy you’re with does not want to wear a condom: “Try saying this: ‘But, baby, I need to practice putting them on with my mouth.’ Men love this. Let him know it’s an old hookers’ trick.” There is so much to unpack here. One, the term we are using nowadays is “sex worker”. More importantly, if you need to use a condom and your partner gives you a hard time, rather than using some weird seduction technique involving the term “old hookers”, you should just make sure you never give him a hard time ever again. Also, I have no earthly idea as to why anyone needs to spend time learning how to put a condom on sans hands. Personally, I’d rather use that time learning another language or, like, how to code, but call me crazy. Finally, this is simply something men can and should do on their own. It’s not enough that we live in a society where we are encouraged to remove every errant hair, wear underwear that rides up our asses, lose weight, and edit our photos to cover up any semblance of an imperfection with makeup; now we have to put the condoms on too? GTFO.
5. The Wanton Wheelbarrow
For a cute take on the classic wheelbarrow position, Cosmo suggests you do a forearm plank while simultaneously lifting one leg in the air as your partner enters you from behind, adding, “because this one requires a degree of balance and stretching ability, you’ll first want to be really careful that nothing hurts or feels off when you do it.” Why these sadists feel the need to make every sex position a thinly veiled bootcamp class is beyond me. I’m all for the idea of sex as a little light cardio, but I’ll save my stretching and balance practice for my ClassPass membership, TYVM. The gym and sex are my church and state, Cosmo, so you can go shave your back now take your suggestions elsewhere. And it’s 2019: everything hurts and feels off.
When it comes to sex, enjoying yourself is paramount. If any of the above sex positions sound appealing, you clearly have several Iron Mans under your belt go for it. If not, there is nothing wrong with sticking to what feels right for you and your partner. Sound off in the comments with any other sex positions you think are extra AF.
Images: Ruslan Zh / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
We all know Cosmo is THE Bible when it comes to anything sex-related, or at least they like to act like it. So who better to turn to when your love life is in need of a jumpstart, or if you want to try some new tricks in the bedroom? They give good advice sometimes, but a lot of the tips they give are more fit for an Olympic gymnast than your average betch. There’s nothing I like more than a challenge, so I
persuaded kindly asked my boyfriend to try out these Cosmo sex tips that they’ve deemed “extra-romantic.” Aaaand I also made him agree to let me write about it on the internet. Why is he still with me? I will never know. But here we go.
We originally were going to try these positions over a few days, because sex is a legit workout (as we already know). But we were feeling ambitious, and slightly competitive, so we challenged ourselves to see if we could do them all in one night. And we did. Honestly, it’s been a couple weeks, and I’m still tired. So did the so-called “extra-romantic” sex positions live up to what was promised? Here are all of my thoughts.
Position 1: Lovers Entwined…Who Can’t Unwind
The Position: You and your partner lay on your sides facing each other. Lift one leg over his hips for easier access.
Why It’s Romantic: Cosmo suggests this one as a lazy morning position. It’s uber-romantic because of all the “deep kisses, hugging, and stroking each other’s bodies.”
The Verdict: The name does not lie. While they aren’t wrong about this romantic position being a lazy alternative, morning breath was definitely an issue. I love my boyfriend and feel 100% comfortable with him, but my breath in the morning is neither cute nor romantic, and I don’t need to make him suffer through that. Although Cosmo suggests freshening up in the bathroom before, I’m not down to falsely advertise that I woke up like that. But regardless, the real reason I didn’t love this position is because of all the twisting in ways my body just isn’t supposed to move. I have to say, this isn’t going to be a frequent position in our repertoire. Thank u, next.
Position 2: Cupid’s (Too Big) Arrow
The Position: Start in Girl-On-Top (a fan fav) but keep your legs together in between your Bae’s to create a tighter feel.
Why It’s Romantic: Cosmo claims that having a girl who knows what she is doing is hella sexy. Plus your boobs are in his face.
The Verdict: So if your SO isn’t especially well-endowed, then this is one Cosmo sex tip you won’t want to forget. I’m not gonna brag but…my boyfriend didn’t fit. So we moved on to the next position v quick.
Position 3: *Defs Not* Lazy Cowgirl
The Position: Start in Reverse Cowgirl and lean forward so your back is flat and your chest is resting on his legs.
Why It’s Romantic: Men are visual creatures–letting him feel AND see you is going to go over real well.
The Verdict: I don’t know what is supposedly lazy about this cowgirl, because I was doing alll the work. But I have to say, this position was a winner. Not only did my boyfriend get to watch my ass the entire time, but I got to watch Friends while this all went down. Win-win. Since testing this out, we’ve incorporated this particular sex tip into the bedroom routine.
Position 4: The
Star-Crossed Awkward Lovers
The Position: Your SO sits up with his legs straight in front of him and leans back with his arms supporting him. You climb on top, with your legs bent on either side of him and leaning back on your arms as well.
Why It’s Romantic: According to Cosmo, this position allows for deep eye contact, which is v romantic.
The Verdict: Cosmo admits that this one “is tricky to get situated” and boy, they were not wrong. My problem with this position is that you kinda start squishing his legs after a while (unless you are a size 00). But besides that, you get to lean back and your boobs are on display for him to see. If you’re fine with eye contact, this one is perfect for you, but we found it awkward to just stare at each other but be too far away to make out.
Position 5: Two Of Hearts (AKA Lotus)
The Position: Better known as the Lotus position. He sits with his legs crossed and you sit on top of him with your legs wrapped around his back.
Why It’s Romantic: Basically every inch of your bodies are touching, which is fab. According to Cosmo, you should “Take your time and kiss him deeply, suck his earlobes, and whisper dirty/lovey things in his ears.”
The Verdict: If you thought the position above was difficult to get into, you are in for a rude awakening here. Having my entire bodyweight on my boyfriend is not an ideal position for me, but we tried it anyway. What I did like about this position was the ability to make out and the lack of awkward, distant eye contact. Cosmo suggests that for “extra decadence” you have champagne and chocolate strawberries on hand to feed each other. But this girl is on a budget and has white sheets, so we passed on that.
Even if my boyfriend and I don’t have a dead bedroom, it was still fun to try all these different positions. Although most of them will not be repeated anytime soon, we did have fun and some good laughs. I wouldn’t whip these moves out on a first date, but they’re fun to try if you feel really comfortable with your partner. Of course, sex should always feel good for all parties involved, so don’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Just one final note: if you and bae are thinking of trying any (or all) of these, I’d suggest not trying them all in the same night…just trust me.
Images: Becca Tapert / Unsplash; Giphy (3)