It’s no secret that dating in this day and age is one long waking nightmare challenging. Keeping the faith can be hard when you find yourself being ghosted by yet another f*ckboy whose overconfidence is in direct proportion to his staggering mediocrity. So when you get to the point where you’re looking for outside advice, the hope is that it will be hopeful and/or helpful. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, and we feel it’s our sworn duty here at Betches to expose the advice that is egregiously awful. Read on for the worst dating advice of 2019.
1. Asinine Astrological Assumptions
I have to start by saying that I love astrology and use my sign to justify the worst parts of my personality many of my decisions. Gotta love Scorpio season! That said, astrology, and especially sun signs, cannot be used to make generalizations about an entire population. But that didn’t stop our friends at Refinery29 from doing exactly that with a piece describing what all Tauruses are like in bed. The article claims that because Tauruses are more in touch with their sense of smell, “if you smell bad, you’re not going to get it on with a Taurus.” Wouldn’t we all agree that smelling good is a prerequisite for… all of us? The article goes on to advise the reader to moisturize, of all things, “because Tauruses might be turned off by dry or leathery skin.” I guess now I can blame the dry (see what I did there?) spell I had for the better part of 2013 on my eczema. Lastly, the reader is urged to cook “a meal…(especially while wearing lingerie).” Okay, so in order to bag a bull I need to wear perfume, moisturize, and cook dinner in my lingerie. In other words, advice I could have gotten from any remotely heterosexual male of any astrological sign. Grool.
2. To Catch A Curator
On the heels of Jennifer Lawrence’s recent marriage to Cooke Maroney, Elle is now advising its readers to date Curators. If you’re wondering WTF that means, a Curator is described as “he kind of guy you can discuss post-humanism with over pizza, who comments on the decor while ordering you a cab but letting you split the bill.” Hot. Personally, this just sounds like a cheaper and slightly more pretentious version of every tool I’ve ever dated. To make matters worse, their “sensitivity” does not save them from their inevitable fate as trash: “A Curator may still ghost you, but it’s probably because he’s doing something legitimately interesting with his time, like scouting in the foothills of the Himalayas.” So it’s okay for a guy to bail on you in the name of “art”? GTFO.
3. Moonlight As Your Crush’s Personal Assistant
When you do come across someone you don’t immediately hate on sight like, it may be difficult to summon the courage to let them know. I don’t profess to be a professional pickup artist, but I’m pretty sure that the following advice from Glamour on how to tell your crush you like them might leave the person on the receiving end wondering if you’re vying for a spot on their payroll:
“5. Notice when their glass is empty, and always offer to fill it up or get them another.
- Offer to hold their purse/bag/coat/cup.
- Remember what their drink is without having to ask. Order it for them.
- Offer to drive them to the airport.
- Assume they want coffee and bring them one. Learn how they take it first.”
Don’t get me wrong. Thoughtfulness is next to godliness in my book, but you should not have to go out of your way to do someone’s chores to get them to like you. I legitimately had to check the date this article was published. Surely, the 1950s? Nope, 2019.
4. Link Up On LinkedIn
Cosmo is known for some pretty ridiculous sex and dating advice, and we’ve certainly covered them here before, but this latest nugget of dating wisdom deserves mention. Let’s start with the title: “LinkedIn Is The Best Platform To Slide Back Into Your Ex’s DMs.” As a threshold matter, it’s rarely advisable to reconnect with an ex. If it didn’t work out the first dozen times, attempting to reconnect, regardless of the platform, starts to look like the living embodiment of the definition of insanity. It’s also really transparent. Unless you work in the same industry as your ex and could credibly network with them for a job opportunity, testing the waters with a LinkedIn message when you could just as easily text them with the number you already have is hardly subtle, and frankly, kind of bizarre. If you’re using LinkedIn because, like the author of the article, “you’re probably blocked on everything else,” perhaps you ought to take some time to work on yourself instead of trolling for men on a professional networking platform. Just a thought.
5. Settle Into Settling
If you are lucky enough to find someone you’re serious about, you may have doubts about whether he or she is “the one” and what it means to settle. Earlier this year, Refinery29 published a piece that I hoped would upend the false notion that comfort and security equal “settling” and that one must pursue a relationship that thrives on “butterflies” and insecurity. Instead, the article seems to promote settling for a connection completely devoid of any spark in order to avoid being alone: “I didn’t settle for the first person that came along, but I am so glad that in my 30s I’m not out there looking for someone, going on dates with strangers, and so on.” While your perfect mate may not end up being who you thought they’d be, a baseline level of connection should not be compromised out of fear. A relationship will never be exciting all of the time, but it should always be fulfilling. If the premise of the article is to be believed, we can all give up this dating game altogether and bring blowup dolls with us to dinner. So inspiring!
Advice, however well-intentioned, is usually subjective and not universally applicable. As we’ve seen today, it can sometimes be downright dumb. Do what works for and feels right to you and leave the rest where you found it. Any other gems I missed? Please sound off in the comments!
Images: Hian Oliveira / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
Look guys, I don’t know what the f*ck is wrong with the writers at Cosmo. Are they on drugs? Have they never met people before? Are they all just f*cking with us for the fun of it? It’s hard to tell when they continue to give the worst advice ever. Their sex tips could get you arrested, make someone infertile, or at the very least, convince a guy you’re batshit crazy. But I guess they’re just super bored over there, because Cosmo does not know where to stop. In addition to wild sex tips, they also offer super solid relationship advice. Turn off Dr. Phil, here are the relationship tips you never knew you needed:
If He Thinks You’re Bad With Money, It Means He’s Going To Propose
“It’s that when he sees you buy that bag, he envisions you 20 years from now sneaking off to Vegas and blowing the kids’ college funds in an orgy of high-end boutique shopping and late-night keno. In a twisted way, his concern is kind of endearing, because it probably means he’s thinking about marrying you at some point.”
Or he’s pissed that you’re spending rent money on dumb shit and he has to pick up the slack? If he’s complaining that you’re bad with money, he def does not want to marry you. He’s probably thinking the exact opposite, like “Oh shit, if we’re married then it’s ‘our money’, and I will be f*cked.”
Proper Hygiene Means He’s Cheating
“He steps up the grooming. ‘This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: if your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,’ says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: he’s spending more time at the gym.”
Is your boyfriend finally trimming his hair after you’ve bitched about it for three months? Is he showering regularly? Is his dirty laundry suddenly making it into the hamper? Has he finally decided to do something about his holiday weight? According to Cosmo, your bf is screwing his work wife and also thinks he’s a porn star. The only way to save this mess of a relationship is to dramatically accuse him of cheating with your ~evidence~. He’ll really appreciate it and vow to never do anything you ask again.
Don’t Tell Him If You Cheat
“Your mother may have told you that honesty is the best policy, but in this case, many experts advise keeping your mouth shut. ‘If it really was just one indiscretion, don’t tell him,’ says psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner, PhD, author of Cheaters. ‘Although it might make you feel better, it will only hurt him and ruin the trust between you.'”
Ah, yes. The foundation of any healthy relationship, hiding your infidelity. You’re accusing him of cheating for changing his socks every day, but def don’t tell him that you actually cheated. Who needs therapy when Cosmo is there for you? Who is this f*cking expert and where did you get your PhD? The hurting him and the ruining of trust came from your f*cking someone else, not the telling part of it. And my degree is in animation. Congrats on your fairytale marriage!
Be An Asshole And Then Bribe Him
“Cut him in line at Starbucks like an a**hole but then pay for his latte like an angel. This way he knows you’re both assertive and rich. First he’ll be like, ‘I cannot believe this woman just cut me in line, I’m going to be so late!’ but then he’ll be like, ‘Wow she was actually doing a kind gesture, we should date and maybe get married.'”
Oh, where to begin with this one? First of all, I really like that being able to afford a prob $5 latte shows men that you are rich. Also, cutting someone in line in LA is a really good way to get stabbed because we don’t f*ck around here, especially pre-coffee. But like maybe after he stabs you, he’ll want to get married? Also, why is buying someone a latte (against their will, I might add) grounds for marriage? Cosmo, your standards suck.
Pretend You Know How To Read
“Ask him what book he’s reading and then say, ‘That one’s good, but her other work is much better,’ no matter what book it is.”
In the same advice article, Cosmo also wants you to look like a complete f*cking idiot. I’m not convinced any of these morons know how to read anything more complex than Cosmo. One Redditor was hoping the guy was reading Mein Kampf, which would be absolutely f*cking hilarious. It is so obnoxious when you can tell someone is lying about liking something to look cool and makes you look way dumber than just saying you haven’t read it and asking what it’s about. This is just like when I met my work crush’s girlfriend and I described my writing style by listing an author I drew inspiration from, and she told me he was her favorite author and then she couldn’t talk about it at all. It was soooo embarassing and also I loved it. Then she brought her vape out and asked me if I had cocaine. Needless to say, they broke up and I no longer was interested because I am not following up that trash person. Don’t f*cking do this.
So yeah, take any dating advice you read with a huge grain of salt. Otherwise, you might end up stabbed in a coffee shop or something. I love Cosmo as much as the next person, but this stuff is literally insane.