Good news for those of you who are dissatisfied with your current employment: A job just opened up that will either be the best thing that ever happened to you, or a Devil-Wears-Prada-On-Steroids-esque nightmare. Corinne Olympios is looking for an assistant. I’ll give you a second to take that in. Ms. Olympios (as I’m sure you’ll be required to call her) put out the call for personal assistants via Insta Story this morning, and said she is looking for an LA based assistant “with experience.”
Question: Does watching obsessive amounts of The Bachelor count as experience? If so, I’m very experienced.
Corinne (wearing the very professional Instagram dog filter) goes on to say that she is “looking at resumes today” but provides no info as to where to send said resumes. Consider finding Corinne’s email your first test.
Corinne ends her Story with one piece of advice for anyone who wants to join Team Corn, and it’s probably best if you take it seriously: “Be ready, cuz, I’m a handful.”
I mean, that sounds about right. Remember how she casually dropped three grand on a single shopping trip with Nick? Somebody’s gotta go back and return that shit when she realizes she hates all of it. And sure, you’ll probably report directly to Raquel, but there are going to be a lot of non-cheese pasta related tasks that will be your responsibility. Someone’s gotta wake her up from her naps and re-schedule all of her appointments when she refuses to get up and sleeps through everything. Sounds like a dream,
no pun intended.
BRB. Preemptively sending in my two weeks’ notice and relocating to Los Angeles now.
In a stream of glitter-laced tears, Corinne said goodbye to human Donald Duck, Nick Viall on this week’s episode of The Bachelor. We had some good ups and downs with our pal Corinne. We even discovered that she’s actually probably even a certified betch. In honor of Corinne escaping Nick’s evil grasp, we’ve listed her top 10 moments on the show for your enjoyment.
Catch up on the latest Bachelor recap here!
10. Getting Drunk While Playing Volleyball
We’ve all been involved in some sort of horrible date activity where we were like, fuck this shit. I’d rather be 1) sleeping or 2) drunk AF. Corinne is all of us with her total lack of interest in being good at sports and extreme desire to get drunk when she’s bored. Even if crazy-ass Jasmine pushed her really hard down into the sand, Corinne was already too drunk to care. That’s the quality of a true winner.
9. Replacing Raquel For A Day
When a girl is without a nanny, she must do her best on her own—er, at least, do her best to replace said nanny. That’s what happened when Corinne found a new maid/nanny while in St. Thomas. I feel like the other women really missed out on an opportunity to get some lobster dip, a marg, and have their pillows fluffed fo’ free. Corinne is nothing if not an opportunist.
8. Introducing The World To Cheese Pasta
One of the great week-long mysteries of the world was what Corinne’s nanny’s famous “cheese pasta” recipe was. The internet discovered pretty quickly that it was just shredded cheese and pasta. I think the bigger mystery is is figuring out how Corinne stays so tiny while eating so many carbs.
Revealed: Racquel’s cheese pasta recipe
7. Ordering A Shit Ton Of Room Service
While Corinne and Taylor anxiously awaited their two-on-one date, you could already tell which lady had a leg up on the competition. Taylor was in her hotel room meditating and using some bullshit essential oils. Meanwhile, Corinne was ordering an amount of room service that would shock a subject on My 600-lb Life. She had like, steak and fries and pasta and desserts galore. It was legit like $150 worth of food and I’m so jealous.
6. Becoming A Fairy God Betch
One of the best things about Corinne is that she’s unapologetically Corinne at all times. While the other women on their hometown dates wanted to pretend they were charitable and fun and sweet, Corinne was not going to play that BS. Instead she was like, “Get in loser, we’re going shopping” and made Nick go to some fancy-ass galleria with her. She even bought him a $3k outfit that looked like something you could get at J. Crew for $250, but whatever. Corinne wasn’t afraid to switch up the gender roles and play Sugar Mama for a bit. I just don’t think Nick was man enough to handle her game.
5. Putting A Voodoo Curse On Taylor
I guess voodoo isn’t just an overrated donut in Portland. Aparently it’s like legit witchcraft or something, but the good kind, I guess. When Corinne got stuck in a swamp with boring nicegirl Taylor, she had to prove she was better somehow. That “somehow” was by putting a voodoo curse on her. At least, I think that’s what happened. IDK that was honestly the most boring episode of The Bachelor I’ve seen in a long time so I’m going to pretend that’s what happened. Side note, has anyone checked on Taylor lately?
4. The Whipped Cream Thing
Our girl is nothing if not bold and brash. These other betches are standing around and crying over Nick Viall not giving them attention, which is embarassing in itself. Instead of being a whiny little bitch, Corinne went after what she wanted with a nice full can of whipped cream. Take a hint. If you want a guy to pay attention to you, strap on your best trench coat and sweeten up his life a little. Pro Tip though, maybe make sure he isn’t dating 12 other women when you do so.
3. Falling Asleep During A Rose Ceremony
Corinne was the first woman in show history to reveal the fact that the rose ceremonies are totally bogus and the rules are a sham. Corinne had a rose so she didn’t bother with barrel curling her hair and wasting one of her dresses on a ceremony when she already had a rose. It’s genius. Also, she stayed on the show for, like, 6 TV weeks after that so I don’t think her not standing around to watch other women with the nervous sweats wait to get a rose really ruined her chances with Viall.
2. Getting Naked On The Group Date
What a power move this was. All the other girls were playing lame-ass “getting to know you” games with Nick, and Corinne was like “Nah, fam” and just stripped off her clothes. Homegirl has a great rack and isn’t afraid to show it off. Extra points. What a champion. This move also scored here some alone time with Nick. It obviously worked because Corinne tapped into the one fact about the male psyche she knows best: Men love boobs.
1. The Platinum Vagine Comment
Out of all the naps, all the crazy arguments with Taylor, all the times she polished off a tall glass of Champagne, Corinne’s best moment has to be describing her vagine as platinum. It was a shocking comment but also so amazing because, like, who just fucking says that on national TV? Even Raven’s confession that she’s never had an orgasm doesn’t really top that. That’s kind of just sad for her. Anyway, our hat is off to you, Corinne and your shiny, metal vagina. Please keep entertaining us on Bachelor in Paradise. Please, please have a weird relationship with Chad.
Corinne And Chad Are Texting & It’s Everything We Ever Wanted
In true Corinne fashion, Imma go to sleep now. Peace.