I don’t think it’s a stretch to say, for betches, fall is one of the best times of the year. (And if you call it “autumn” you’re tacky and I hate you.) I mean, it’s the return of pumpkin-flavored everything, wearing leggings everyday, and sweaters and jackets that still look cute as they hide your taco/tequila food baby. Not to mention, no one gives a fuck anymore if you shave your legs. It’s glorious.
But sometimes, those bastards we meet on Tinder or at the bar try to take the glory of fall and turn it from a magical time to one of dread by asking you on dates that sound good on paper, but are actually really shitty and should be avoided at all costs. Here are the fall dates you should never agree to go on.
1. Corn Mazes
You can ask anyone I know, I basically fucking love corn mazes. Wait, no I don’t. I love the idea of corn mazes. It seems like a good idea to wear an adorable outfit to traipse around one of these manufactured death traps, but you are definitely wrong. Your shoes will get ruined because, guess what bitches? Corn grows in the dirt and that’s what you’ll be surrounded by on this date: corn and dirt. You think you can sneak into the corn for a quick fall-themed makeout sesh? Not so. You’ll have a million idiot kids interrupting you as they try to hide from their parents in the stalks. You can’t just make out in front of a bunch of kids, ya pervert. Plus, you know what’s not fun? Getting lost, i.e., the entire point of a corn maze. It sounds like a great way to realize your man has poor navigational skills, and it’s basically an argument waiting to happen. Waze does not work in the corn maze. You’ve been warned.
2. Apple Picking
Like most activities that revolve around gathering your own food, apple picking can also be the worse. It’s weird that you can go to the grocery store and get an apple for like, what, 50 cents? Yet, if you do the work to pick your own and ruin a pair of Frye boots while you’re at it, the apples cost roughly five hundred dollars a bushel. IDK if they actual charge by the bushel, but that seems like an apple picking term to me. If you do so happen agree to go on the apple picking date, remember the Fireball so you can appropriately spike your cider.
3. Haunted House
Ohhh stupid-ass dating experts will for sure tell you a haunted house would be a good idea for a date, because then your man can step up to protect you from the spooky scary goings-on. Not so, bitches. Three things could happen on this date. 1) It’s not that scary and your date gets pissed he spent 40 bucks to walk you around some weird warehouse, 2) Your date is more afraid than you are and you find out the “love of your life” is a pansy-ass bitch, or 3) You get too freaked out and pee your pants and embarrass yourself out of another date. If those are risks you’re willing to take so theater kids can jump out in front of you in full gore makeup, be my guest.
4. Fall Foliage Hike
If your dude happens to be a little bit granola, he might ask you to step out into nature and observe God’s glory by going on a fall hike. Leaves are pretty, yes. And I’m sure the fall hike will open you up to a plethora of Instagram opportunities. But do you really want to be out with a guy who would ever suggest going on a hike? Fucking gross. Like, does he even know you at all? Plus, this is practically the least amount of effort you could put into going on a date. Homeboy just invited you to walk around outside. Is he totally poor and/or so boring that he can’t come up with another option? You know, an option that doesn’t include dying from exposure? Ugh. Men these days.
5. Pumpkin Patch
Let’s go pick out a motherfucking pumpkin so we can carve it as a date! Um, right, dude. If your man asks you on this date and it’s not you who suggests the pumpkin patch, you might want to look into how much time this guy spends on Pinterest, if you know what I mean. Like corn mazes and apple picking, this food-related date doesn’t even provide you with actual food. Have you ever tasted pumpkin? It’s fucking gross and does not remotely taste like pumpkin spice. So, you’ll be exposed to the elements and don’t even get a meal out of it. Great. Also, there will be about a million families with babies taking pictures and crying their fat little heads off out there. Not really the ideal situation for a budding romance.