Good news for those of you who are dissatisfied with your current employment: A job just opened up that will either be the best thing that ever happened to you, or a Devil-Wears-Prada-On-Steroids-esque nightmare. Corinne Olympios is looking for an assistant. I’ll give you a second to take that in. Ms. Olympios (as I’m sure you’ll be required to call her) put out the call for personal assistants via Insta Story this morning, and said she is looking for an LA based assistant “with experience.”

Question: Does watching obsessive amounts of The Bachelor count as experience? If so, I’m very experienced.

Corinne (wearing the very professional Instagram dog filter) goes on to say that she is “looking at resumes today” but provides no info as to where to send said resumes. Consider finding Corinne’s email your first test.

Corinne ends her Story with one piece of advice for anyone who wants to join Team Corn, and it’s probably best if you take it seriously: “Be ready, cuz, I’m a handful.”

I mean, that sounds about right. Remember how she casually dropped three grand on a single shopping trip with Nick? Somebody’s gotta go back and return that shit when she realizes she hates all of it. And sure, you’ll probably report directly to Raquel, but there are going to be a lot of non-cheese pasta related tasks that will be your responsibility. Someone’s gotta wake her up from her naps and re-schedule all of her appointments when she refuses to get up and sleeps through everything. Sounds like a dream, no pun intended.

BRB. Preemptively sending in my two weeks’ notice and relocating to Los Angeles now. 

Just when you thought we finally put the BiP scandal to rest after Tuesday’s episode, think again. You may recall how every single person in the sit down/race discussion/sex ed class taught by guidance counselor Chris Harrison was stanning hard for DeMario. You may also recall that any time Corinne was mentioned, the cast basically gave a collective “Ooohh….who’s this?!” and moved on. Multiple cast members expressed concern for DeMario’s reputation, which undoubtedly took a hit during that week-long period where everybody and their drugged-out stepmom just assumed he was a sexual predator. Yeah, not the best thing to have pop up when someone Googles you. Well, DeMario is now speaking for himself, echoing sentiments that many cast members expressed during the Chris Harrison Wokeness Hour aka last week’s episode. In a new interview with The Hollywood Reporter, DeMario says that he believes the accusations against him were “fueled by racism” and a “rush to judgement.”

Fucking duh.

As we all know, footage leading up to the “alleged misconduct” aired on BiP last week, but we didn’t see any of the encounter itself, which reportedly took place in the hot tub later that night. According to DeMario, nothing happened in that unaired footage that could have been misconstrued as wrongdoing. “You’re on a multi-million-dollar set with 50 to 100 plus-cameras, 300 workers and an entire production,” Demario said. “I love how Alex was giving the play-by-play with what was going on with me and Corinne when we were in the pool, because it showed all the production, all the people and the cast mates watching.” 

DeMario:

Right, so like, that all makes sense, but I think I speak for all of Bach Nation when I say: What the fuck did happen tho? Something must have happened. It’s not like they would just shut down production for shits and gigs. There’s tooth whitening cream sponsorships money to be made.

Live Footage Of Me Describing My BiP Conspiracy Theories To Strangers On The Train:

According to DeMario, this whole thing comes down to a producer who he describes as “Corinne’s best friend,” (Sidebar: Corinne’s best friend is her producer on Paradise? That is kind of sad…) and that he “remains baffled” by the incident, which he says was “100% consensual.”

“I think people wanted it to be something different. They wanted the angry black guy and this little, innocent white girl. But it wasn’t,” DeMario told the Reporter.

So yeah, all of that is definitely true, but it’s still totally unclear what prompted Corinne’s best friend this producer to pull the plug on the ENTIRE production. Is the implication that Corinne’s best friend this woman was so horrified at the idea of interracial hot tubbing that she shut the whole thing down? Who would be that racist?!? In 2017?!? No way!?!

*Remembers Donald Trump is president*

Oh…Right…

And what about Corinne (DeMario: Who?)? It seems like there is a lot of shade being thrown her way for her “I am a victim comment,” despite the fact that she basically always said she didn’t blame DeMario, and that her “victim” status was more directed at the show and its producers. I guess the only thing worse in BiP’s mind than being the victim of potential of sexual misconduct is saying anything bad about the show or its staff ever. Good to know.

Basically, we still don’t know what happened, and whatever it was probably had more to do with shady behavior on the part of the production staff than Corinne and DeMario. While I am very happy that DeMario gets the opportunity to save his rep from what were definitely race-based attacks, shouldn’t Corinne get a chance to do the same? As far as I can tell, homegirl woke up from a blackout to her best friend producer being like, “YOU WERE ASSAULTED ON CAMERA AND THE SHOW IS OVER!” And was just kind of like, left to figure out what that means. I can barely handle waking up from a blackout and looking at my bar tab, so I can only imagine how something like this would feel. Also, I just like Corinne and want her to stay in my life. Sue me. 

Ultimately, this entire scandal was just wayyyy too morally ambiguous for Bachelor Nation to handle. This is a group of people who mostly come together every week to watch hot people pretend they’re in love after two dates, so it’s hard to be surprised at their poor handling of a situation that included sexism, racism, and consent all wrapped up in one big ball of awful. If nothing bad happened, why not just tell us what the fuck did happen, rather than trying to pass all this vague BS off as answers? Who are they protecting? The producers? Are we really supposed to believe these people are never manipulated into doing things just because Taylor’s annoying ass doesn’t drink?

At this point, we should all probably get comfortable with the idea that we’ll never really know what happened that night, but that Corinne and DeMario are probably not to blame.

Now let’s get back to trying to figure out whether or not Dean is turning into a fuckboy. 

If you were hoping that the second half of this week’s BiP would reveal, in detail, exactly what went down during the Corrine and DeMario hot tub incident, you (like me) were sorely disappointed. This episode was 90% boring-ass wedding stuff, 5% Dean ruining his good rep, and 5% a sobering discussion of race and sexual assault. So yeah, just a typical Tuesday night in 2017 America.

Carly And Evan’s Wedding

Because ABC is a fickle bitch and they know everybody is here for the scandal, they start the show with a full 40 minutes of boring AF Carly and Evan’s wedding shit featuring all the most boring people from past seasons and Ashley Iaconetti.

Full disclosure, I got up and dropped off my laundry while this was happening so if I missed anything, it’s probably because I was balls deep in dryer sheets and also this shit was so boring.

Going back in time through all Bachelor In Paradise weddings past just makes me realize how long The Bachelor has been on. Like, this show is older than my little sister. This show can legally drink. That scares me.

As they cut between these tacky weddings all I can think is, “ABC must pay for all of this shit, right? There’s no way Fit Tea sponsorships can pay for this many outdoor chandeliers.”

Lol at the one wedding where Chris Harrison officiated. I wonder if ABC throws him in as a free gift for couples with no religion/friends.

Literally every guest at each of these weddings was on The Bachelor in some capacity. Does ABC force you to renounce all your non-Bachelor relationships before they’ll pay for your wedding? Is getting married from The Bachelor like leveling up in Scientology?  

Please let this rainy AF windy wedding live in my mind forever as a reminder of how badly outdoor weddings can go. Always book an indoor option, people!

There is truly nothing to say about this wedding other than that this Mexican shaman ceremony is the whitest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

There’s literally no way this is a real shaman. That guy is probably a Peruvian dude from LA who saw a casting call that read “Mexican Shaman For Reality TV Wedding,” and he was like “Ugh okay but only for the SAG points.”

This entire portion of the wedding is about as latino as “Despacito”, aka mostly geared toward white audiences but featuring some fun latin flair.

The Most Awkward Conversation Of All Time

We now shift seamlessly into what appears to be a middle school sex ed class taught by Chris Harrison. Strap in, Bachelor Nation, it’s about to get problematic.

Taylor: I’m sober all the time.
Me: Oh girl we know.

Taylor: People are always coming up to me and saying “I loved your character on the show!”
Me:

Each of these contestants are like, 50/50 on being correct about things. For every Raven bravely coming forward about her own experience with assault, there’s a Taylor saying “non-verbal cues” count as consent. You’re literally too sober to be this wrong.

Taylor’s Patients At Home: Wait did my mental health counselor just go on TV and say flirting counts as consent?

Everyone is stanning pretty hard for DeMario, whereas Corinne appears to be on everybody’s bad side.

Raven: I just feel so bad for DeMario.
Chris Harrison: And Corinne.
Entire Cast: …………….sure.

Diggy: *exists*
Chris Harrison: Thank you for bringing up race.

You can literally hear the sound of 15 pristine white buttholes clenching as soon as Chris Harrison brings up race.

Live Footage Of Me When Derek Squeezes Raven’s Shoulder After Opening Up About Her Assault:

Real talk, this is a very good conversation that we should probably be having with people 10-15 years younger than the people on this show. Also, if The Bachelor ever ends (blasphemy) Chris Harrison does have a career as a guidance counselor in his future.

Nobody cares at ALL that Wells will be coming back as the bartender. Half these chicks screamed for joy when they heard Nick Viall would be taking them to Wisconsin but barely cracked a smile at the Wells news. Way harsh, Tai.

Lol as if anyone was not going to come back to Paradise. These people want to get laid find love.

Back To Paradise

FINALLY we’re back to the point of the show: people trying to fuck each other on a beach. We come back to find that there are already like, 15 couples and everyone is in love except Lacey and Iggy. Too bad, so sad.

Me: That whole consent conversation was the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen.
Alex: Hold my beer.

Alex not taking a hint from Amanda is giving me flashbacks to every fuckboy I’ve ever met in my life.

Raven: Amanda doesn’t like you.
Alex:

Alex: Hey Amanda, can I borrow you for a second?
Amanda: *eyes roll so hard she has to go to the hospital*

To be fair, Amanda is not actually telling Alex she doesn’t like him.

Amanda (Confessional): I just want him to fucking leave me alone.
Amanda (IRL): I just think that like, we should like, have fun.

Once again Dean slides into our hearts’ DMs with the perfect analysis: “I think she hates him.”

Cut to Lacey, who is annoying, looks like a Precious Moments figurine, and is a source of ultimate truth.

Lacey: Iggy is so full of shit.
Me: Tru.

Lacey: I am at the bottom of the totem pole.
Me: Also tru.

Derek and Taylor go on their date and it’s like, “Ugh these two will probably actually get engaged, won’t they?”

Matt is already blowing it with Jasmine, which I guess we could have expected seeing as in the previews she gets called “a T-Rex that’s taken Viagra.” I feel like nobody would call her that if she just settled down week one with the guy whose profession is listed as “penguin.”

Dean and Kristina (who apparently took a road trip together!?!) are also on the rocks. On the one hand, Dean is kind of being a fuckboy. On the other hand, I’m delighted he’s not taken.

Evan (of boring wedding fame) actually put it best:

Thanks for the shout out, dude. Sorry I said all that mean stuff about your boring wedding.

Dean: I just feel not good about everything.
Kristina: If you think I’m going to take shit from you after I literally grew up in a Russian orphanage, you know nothing Jon Snow Dean Unglert.

The best part of this episode, by far, is Wells at the bar asking Kristina how to say stuff in Russian.

Wells: How do you say thank you in Russian?
Kristina: Spasibo.
Wells: How do you say “I rigged the election?”
Me: HAHAHAHAHA *Starts Hysterically Crying*

Alright Woke Bachelor in Paradise, you can stay.

So, unless you’re Patrick Star and you live at the bottom of the sea under a literal rock, you’ve heard about the Bachelor in Paradise drama by now. I mean, thank The Lord Baby Jesus that the show isn’t cancelled forever and we’ll get to see this stone cold pack of weirdos make out with each other on a beach at some point in the near future. Still, the drama surrounding Corrine and DeMario raised a lot of questions about what these cast members actually sign up for—like, literally sign up for, with their contract and all.

CNN Money got a hold of the legit Bachelor in Paradise contract and had a lawyer look at it, because journalism. The contract basically gives the show and its producer free reign over your life. That means you can’t sue them if they portray situations in a way that definitely isn’t truthful, if they show you butt-ass naked, or clip your soundbites together to make you say something you definitely didn’t really say. The producers are basically like:

You also can’t sue if you suffer emotional or physical trauma, or, like, you know, catch an STD from someone. You would think you should get tested for that shit before you go on a sex vacation, but some people like to ruin things for others.

Instead of like on actual news shows, where, if you portray someone in a way that didn’t happen you get a lawsuit slapped on you so fast your head spins, on Bachelor in Paradise, the producers get total free reign with no repercussions.

Like, how Ashley I. was always talking to a parrot instead of a producer. That didn’t really happen, but it was funny and she signed a contract so the show had its metaphorical way with her. Also, producers can make it look like you did the dirty with a cast mate with a few well-placed “mmmm” and “oh yeah” and “oh my god” captions, even if all that went down was generally PG-13.

The contract does say that you shouldn’t do anything technically illegal and should also probably not assault other people on the show. Yet, the show and its producers aren’t responsible if someone goes rogue and eats you out in a pool gets weird with you.

So the question you may be asking yourself is, why would anyone sign on for this shit? The answer is fucking obvious. Have you seen the money people make on Instagram endorsements after becoming Bachelor famous? Yeah, that’s why. Also, if you don’t sign the contract, there are about 50 other contestants from the last two seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette who would gladly sign their lives away for a little more screen time. 

Chris Harrison, hold onto your weave, because things are getting rough in Paradise. Hell hath no fury like Corinne Olympios, and she’s taking matters into her own hands. On Wednesday, it was announced that she has hired a legal teem to “seek justice,” and Corinne released a lengthy statement about what she’s been going through.

Corinne says she doesn’t remember what happened on June 4th, but “something bad obviously took place.” She refers to herself as a victim, and says that “as a woman, this is my worst nightmare.” She also writes that she has hired a lawyer and will begin therapy to deal with the trauma from what happened.

So, what to make of this? First of all, it’s obviously horrible if Corinne was assaulted, or if anything nonconsensual happened in that pool. We wouldn’t wish that on our worst enemy, and no one deserves it just because they get drunk. DeMario doesn’t exactly have a sparkling track record of honesty, so nothing would surprise us, but we obviously still don’t know all the details.

So who is Corinne’s magic lawyer that she hired? His name is Marty Singer, and he probably won’t make her cheese pasta, but he seems like the perfect person to help her out. His nickname is Legal Pitbull (dalé lol), and he’s represented many other celebrities, like Céline Dion, Demi Moore, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s known for making drama disappear, which sort of makes us think Corinne isn’t in the mood for a battle in court with the people from The Bachelor.

Obviously things are still unfolding rapidly in this story, but Corinne is on the warpath, and knowing her (not personally but like, from watching her on TV), she won’t stop until she burns the whole place to the fucking ground. We have a strong feeling she’s going to come out on top in all of this mess, probably with her nanny Raquel right behind her. We’re Betches, it’s just what we do.

All right, everybody, I’ll skip the lofty introductions and get right to the point. We’ve been waiting for details about what happened between Corinne and DeMario on Bachelor in Paradise. New reports have emerged about the allegations and it’s pretty much the worst-case scenario: Corinne claims she did not consent to the alleged sexual activity with DeMario. Sources close to Corinne say the famous napper was “in a blackout state” when she and DeMario started hooking up and she claims to remember nothing. She’s reportedly upset at producers for not pulling the plug and protecting her.

Corinne’s sources told TMZ, “several cast members told her they had voiced concern to people on the production crew that she was in no position to consent to sexual activity, but the crew did not heed their warnings.” Production sources refute that claim to TMZ and insist “other cast members did not complain to anyone,” even though PEOPLE reported multiple cast members tried to speak up and are upset the producers didn’t intervene… but sure, let’s go ahead and believe that the people who need to cover their own asses rn truly had no knowledge of what was going on.

Corinne’s sources added, “Corinne has told her friends she has a boyfriend and wouldn’t have done what she did—especially with cameras rolling—to jeopardize that relationship.” According to TMZ, “Corrine doesn’t fully blame DeMario because he too was drunk. She blames producers and has lawyered up.”

One thing’s for certain: This is a fucking mess. Buckle up, because this is about to be every highly publicized college campus sexual assault case times 50. We’re about to see it all: victim-blamers, rape apologists, racists, feminists, skeptics. You name it, everybody’s going to come out of the woodwork. The other thing that is for certain is that the producers really fucked up. I mean, even the concept of having a bunch of horny drunk singles marooned on an island for the (almost) express purpose of hooking up on camera is pretty fucked—you’re not exactly starting with the foundations of active consent. Not to mention, this was almost exactly the plot of a Law & Order: SVU episode, so if Dick Wolf has thought of it, the ABC producers should have been on their guard 100% to prevent Bachelor in Paradise from turning into an episode of SVU.

Once again for the people in back, although sickening, these reports have not been fully confirmed. This definitely won’t be our final update, so stay tuned for more on this developing shit show situation.

Look out world, Corinne Olympios is ready to get some sand in her platinum vagine on Bachelor in Paradise.

Last we really saw Corinne she was getting dumped by Nick Viall. Let that super embarrassing situation sink in for a minute. Nobody likes getting dumped, but it would certainly be worse if the person dumping you was Wisconsin’s worst reality show star.

Anyway, Corinne seemed to bounce back in the best way any Bachelor contestant could hope to: by turning all of her TV quotes into merchandise and advertising shit on Instagram. Thankfully, for Corinne that is, she’ll have more ridiculous comments to turn into cash as an official cast member on Bachelor in Paradise. A source confirmed her appearance to E News on Thursday.

Corinne did admit that she’s “nervous” about doing the show because there are rumblings that her arch-nemesis Taylor Nolan will also be on the show. Like, no shit. No way the producers are missing out on an opportunity to have those two argue about emotional intelligence again. Side note, I feel like we always talk to the producers like these big bad puppet masters, not unlike how the president refers to “the media”. But, nevertheless, this is a ratings dream come true. What’s easier TV than putting two girls who already hate each other on a beach together?

Weirdly, though, for being kind of hated while in the Bachelor mansion, Corinne is somehow tight with her cast mates now. Remember how she was included in the group that game Rachel dating advice on the first episode of The Bachelorette? Weird. The source also told E! Corrine was excited to have her friends from the house have her back at beach. Those friends are rumored to include Raven Gates, Alexis Waters, and Jasmine Goode.

Corinne allegedly is also not that interested in finding love i.e. she’s ready and willing to nap through all of the rose ceremonies. The source says she’s going for the ride and to be a great wing woman for her friends. Is it because she is already dating someone, or is she just that committed to her personal brand? We’re here for it either way tbh.

That’s bad news for all of us who really wanted Corinne and Chad to hookup and make meat-eating, margarita-drinking, nap-taking babies. The Chad confirmed his appearance on the show back in February and has also mentioned that he and Corinne have talked. I’m taking that to mean they just developed a plan to be the most outrageous they can be on TV to turn that into Instagram marketing gold later on.

Bachelor in Paradise starts August 8, and with the way the cast is stacking up, we’re all pretty excited to recap the shit out of these episodes.