5 Desserts You Have To Instagram Before Everyone Else Does

Follow Tess on Instagram @foooodieee for the latest in desserts to die for and all other Instagrammable foods

When it comes to ordering desserts, my first thought is like many of yours: “Can I Instagram this?” If you aren’t Instagramming your dessert to all of your soon-to-be-jealous followers, was it even worth the carb consumption? NYC has so many places to buy these kind of desserts that my mouth is watering just doing my research. By the time you have finished reading my rundown of the most Instagrammable desserts New York City has to offer, you’ll be grabbing your phone and heading for the door… Like me. Uh. BRB.

@taiyakinyc-

Taiyaki NYC is known for their Japanese ice cream in a fish-shaped cone. I can tell you firsthand that these are soooo delish and definitely stand out from everyone’s Starbucks pink drink pics on the ‘Gram. Taiyaki NYC is also known for their unicorn cone (pictured below and still in a fish-shaped cone… so like a unicorn fish? IDK, just go with it). Some of the flavors you can choose from include Matcha, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, and black sesame. As far as toppings go, your soon-to-be fat ass can choose from sprinkles, fruit, and even mochi. You can also get mochi on a stick to add flavor to the ice cream and to the photo.

@chipnewyorkcity

OKAY, SO THESE ARE SERIOUSLY THE BEST COOKIES IN THE WORLD. FIGHT ME ON THIS. Plus, we all know that the “warm cookie oozing with chocolate chips” photo is the money shot for any IG foodie. Ranging from chocolate chip to blueberry cheesecake, these cookies will change your life.

@worldsbestcookiedough

If this isn’t Instagrammable, I don’t know what is. WELCOME TO THE NUTELLA CRACK MILKSHAKE. Holy shit, I got a heart attack just writing that. Yep, these bad boys include Nutella, chocolate, pretzels, whipped cream, hot fudge, peanut butter, strawberry shortcake, OREO and a food-induced coma if you eat the entire thing (not included with your purchase). Some people even call them freakshakes. I can’t tell why, can you?

@magichourny

If you haven’t been to Magic Hour at the Moxy Hotel, you are 1000% missing out. Not only is this place super cute and Instagrammable, but these desserts are probably some of the most delish treats I’ve ever seen or tasted. Their most to-die-for dessert is their GIANT ice cream sandwich, pictured below, which is literally bigger than my head. This cookie sandwich is a mixture of sprinkles, ice cream, and overall deliciousness and probable diabetes.

@coolmessnyc

CoolMess is another gorg place on the Upper East Side whose interior is enough to be ‘Gram worthy on its own. But the best part about this place? You get to make your own ice cream! Whether it’s a simple ice cream cone or a giant sundae, your Instagram will be rolling in with the likes. And there are toppings for all of your heart’s desires. Cookie dough, brownie bites, sprinkles, pound cake, fruit loops, gummy worms… AM I MAKING YOU HUNGRY? BECAUSE I’M MAKING ME HUNGRY. HELP.

If you’re looking to share a dessert after date night or simply just craving sweets in general (which okay, you caught me, I always am), these are the top 5 places I recommend. Not only for a delish dessert, but so your dessert post on the ‘Gram makes everyone else’s look like *insert poop emoji here.*

Follow Tess on Instagram @foooodieee for the latest in desserts to die for and all other Instagrammable foods

Make These Boozy Moon Pies So No One Has To Know You Missed The Eclipse

If you’re currently living in the United States, then you know that people have been collectively losing their shit and jizzing themselves over this fucking eclipse. Like yah, okay, we get it—the moon dances in front of the sun for 2 minutes and potentially the Mayans’ predictions calling for the end times comes true. But the world didn’t end, Donald Trump didn’t resign, and I’m not being worshipped as some sort of god yet, so, altogether, this eclipse was a bust.

If you did miss it and will have to wait until August 2024, eat these booze-spiked moon pies in honor of the solar deities that obviously rule our lives.

Ingredients

For the cookies: 

· 2 cups unsalted butter, softened

· ¾ cup packed light brown sugar

· 3 tsp pure vanilla extract

· 1 large egg

· 2 ¼ cups all-purpose flour

· ½ tsp salt

For the filling:

· 4 oz semisweet chocolate, melted

· 1 cup butter

· 3-4 cups powdered sugar

· 1/3 cup Bailey’s Irish Crème

Grab your handy-dandy KitchenAid mixer and beat the butter until it’s creamy. Add the brown sugar and beat until fluffy, then throw in the vanilla and the whole egg and beat that shit too. Add in the flour and salt and beat until you have a soft dough. Divide it into two mounds and transfer each to a sheet of plastic wrap. Pat until it’s a square, about 1/3 inch thick, then wrap and chill until firm—which will take about 20 mins.

Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350F and line two baking sheets with parchment. Grab one of your chilled cookie dough square and roll it out to about 1/8 inch thickness. Use a biscuit cutter to stamp out some rounds, then arrange them on one of the baking sheets. Repeat with your other dough square. Refrigerate the punched out cookies on the sheets until firm—about 10 mins.

Bake the cookies for like, 15 mins until they’re lightly browned. Let cool slightly then put that shit on racks so they cool even harder.

Once your cookies are cool, spread the melted chocolate on the underside of each one. Allow that shit to set and harden. While it does, beat the butter for the filling until it’s light and fluffy. Add in the powdered sugar and then gradually add the Bailey’s until you get the consistency you want. Pipe that shit into the center of the cooled ganache, spread, then top with another cookie. Fuck, inhale that shit, and exhale negativity. Namaste. 

A Coconut Macaroon Recipe, Because Passover Is The One Time Of Year When Dessert Is Allowed

Oh, Passover—you’re back again. Because Passover desserts are often referred to as the 11th plague, we decided a really fucking great coconut macaroon recipe is in order. Funny how Passover is the one time of year you crave desserts—maybe this is what my therapist said about me always wanting what I can’t have. Macaroons are a Passover staple because they’re easy to make and not completely chalky. If you don’t like macaroons, go ahead and pour yourself another glass of Manischewitz. Then another. Then another. Now you’re suddenly hungry for dessert. Funny how that works, isn’t it? 

Queen of all things betchy, snotty, and Jewish, Ina Garten is here to help. We’ve adapted her bitchin’ recipe for coconut macaroons 1) because she clearly knows WTF she’s talking about and 2) you know these will be good for all the adults at the party since Ina hates kids and is all about classy shit. We added melted chocolate for dipping because, like, is it really Passover if your grandma doesn’t hint at the fact that you’re getting fat? No. So on that note, make these macaroons and try not to eat them all in one sitting.

Ingredients

Preheat your oven to 325F. While that heats up, combine the coconut, condensed milk, and vanilla in a pretty big bowl. Grab your KitchenAid mixer (if you don’t have one, Ina would literally never be your friend) and whip the egg whites and salt on high speed until you’ve got medium-firm peaks. Now pause for some fuckboy to make a joke about the fact that I just said the words “firm peaks.”

CAREFULLY fold the egg whites into the coconut mixture. If you’re rough and not cute about it, that shit will deflate faster than your self-esteem at a runway show or like, your will to not eat bread on the third day of Passover. Too much? Ok, yeah. Let’s go with the runway metaphor.

Drop the batter by rounded ½ tbsps onto sheet pans lined with parchment paper. Bake for about 25 minutes or until those bitches are as golden brown as you aspire to be this summer. Transfer the baking sheets to racks and let cookies cool.

Dip the bottoms of the macaroons into the melted chocolate, letting any extra drip back into the bowl or into your mouth, you animal. Drizzle extra chocolate over the top. Be fancy and Jewish.

How To Make Cookie Dough That Won’t Give You Salmonella

There comes a time in every betch’s life when instead of actually breaking and baking the cookies from the refrigerated log, she just digs into the cookie dough with a spoon—and you’re lying if you say you’ve never done this. I mean, this is literally the reason Dō exists and has a 3-hour line that wraps around the block. 

In case your mom didn’t ruin your life tell you enough times in first grade, eating raw cookie dough isn’t actually good for you, considering the cookie dough contains raw eggs which can give you salmonella. Which, in turn, can cause a legit case of the shits, vomiting, and other not cute symptoms. Is all that worth it for the few minutes of happiness you get while you eat an entire package of break-n-bake Tollhouse cookies? We think not.

If you must eat a package or bowl of cookie dough, make it yourself, sans salmonella or 3-hour line. We have the technology, if you can call it that. What a time to be alive.

Ingredients

Time to get our shame-eating on. First, put on sweatpants, remove all makeup, and put hair in your 90s scruncie.

Next, preheat the oven to 350F. This next part is gonna sound weird, but trust us: take the flour and spread it out on a baking sheet. Bake it for 5 minutes. This will make the flour taste less, well, like baby powder and more like, um, slightly browned baking stuff.

Next, beat the flour in a large bowl with the sugar, butter, milk, vanilla, and salt. Once the mixture is combined, add in your chocolate chips or chunks. EAT WITH A SPOON. Try not to think about the life choices that have led you to this point.

A Definitive Ranking Of Girl Scout Cookies By Betchiness

About this time every year the entire country (or maybe the whole world, IDK) freaks the fuck out over Girl Scout cookies. Weird kids who like camping and being nice come to your door in creepy-ass uniforms and the mom posse at work sends mass emails about ordering on time. And then a passive-aggressive fight breaks out over whose kid you’re going to order from, and then Debbie stops getting invited to the after-work happy hours and you all have to pretend it’s not weird, and … wait, where was I? Oh yeah. While normally all that pestering would annoy the shit out of me, when it comes to Thin Mints and Tagalongs you can spam my inbox all fucking day. So to get you ready for cookie season (which cruelly comes right before beach season, WHY), we’re ranking all of the treats by betchiness so you know which ones to buy and which ones are total social suicide.

12. Do-si-dos/Peanut Butter Sandwiches

Look, it’s a Girl Scout cookie so it’s not like it’s bad or anything, it’s just not great. First, let’s talk about these names. On the one hand, you’ve got Do-si-do, which makes me feel like I’m at a square dance. Also, I’m not sure what hoe-downs have to do with peanut butter and oatmeal. Speaking of, your alternative name is “Peanut Butter Sandwich”—real inventive. Then you get to the cookie, which is just two (chocolate chip-less) oatmeal cookies with peanut butter in the middle. Whatever you call these, they’re fat and lumpy and ugly. Kinda like you will be after you eat a whole box of ’em.

11. Trios

Trios

Another oatmeal cookie. Bleh. The Trio has chocolate chips in it, though, so it just beats out the Do-si-do. But really, if you’re going to spend $6—or whatever ungodly amount they’re charging these days—on some fucking oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, it’s time to look at your life, look at your choices.

10. S’mores

“Crunchy graham sandwich cookies with creamy chocolate and marshmallowy filling” sounds pretty good and all, but we fail to see how these differ from Oreo S’mores, which you can literally buy for half the price at Target. “But think of the children!” you say. Ok. Fine. On a less cheap note, these things are the newest to the cookie roster and you’ve gotta pay your dues before you get to sit with the plastics classics.

9. S’mores

Girl Scout S'mores

That’s not a typo; there are two s’mores flavored cookies that are both creatively named “Girl Scout S’mores”. Like, what? You mean to tell me Tagalongs have two different names depending on what region of the country you’re in, but you couldn’t come up with a separate name for a whole other cookie? Normally I’d admire that type of commitment to not doing work, but that shit is just laziness. Do better, Girl Scouts. Anyway, this shit is essentially a graham cracker that’s dipped in “crème icing” aka fake marshmallow shit and then covered in chocolate. Anything that’s covered in chocolate is a definite yes in my book (future lovers, take note), but Girl Scouts really shot itself in the foot with the description on this one. “Our new crispy graham cookie double dipped in yummy crème icing and finished with a scrumptious chocolatey coating (WHOA!)” “WHOA!”? Really? Does this really warrant an all-caps WHOA? The person who wrote this description is the type of person who talks about how “naughty” they’re being when they order fries at a restaurant instead of a side salad. I cannot, in good conscience, award this cookie any higher of a place on the betch scale.

8. Trefoils/Shortbreads

Trefoils are kind of like that teacher at your high school who only does the bare minimum and you wonder how they’re still there when you go back to visit for your 10th year reunion. The answer, for both the teacher and this cookie, is tenure. Trefoils are a pretty good option when you want to eat dessert but also partake in some cognitive dissonance, i.e. “There’s not even chocolate or anything in this cookie, so it can’t be that bad!” False. It can be that bad, because I’m sure these things are straight butter. Look, there’s even a sugar cube next to it in the picture! So anyway, while I’m sure we’ll have to pry these cookies from Juliette Gordon Low’s dead hands, Trefoils are actually pretty basic and not that great. Plus, the Girl Scouts have gone fucking ham with flavored shortbread cookie options lately (we’ll get to those later) so you might as well branch out and not be a dud.

7. Toffee-tastics

There’s not much else to say about Toffee-tastics. I’ve never heard of them in my life, and they’re a regular-ass shortbread cookie with some toffee thrown in for a little excitement. They’re kinda like, the Danielle M. of Girl Scout cookies. Bonus betch points awarded for being gluten free, though.

6. Lemonades

Meet the lemon version of a Trefoil. It’s not gluten free so you’re probably wondering why it’s higher up than Toffee-tastic, and that’s because unlike the Grammys we here at Betches appreciate Beyoncé and the creative genius that is Lemonade and want to show it some love. Beyhive for life (please don’t come after us).

5. Thanks-A-Lots

Finally the last shortbread. Someone in the kitchen is the fucking Gretchen Weiners of shortbread, and Girl Scouts really needs to get out more and come up with some new ideas. Shortbread? For cookies? Groundbreaking. Anyway, this one is at the top of its friend group because it’s dipped in chocolate (see my previous note). But it’s not higher up on the list in general because it’s called a Thanks-A-Lot. Like bitch, what are you thanking me for? You’re thanking me for eating you? That’s like your friend Karen who catches her boyfriend cheating, only to end up apologizing for “not appreciating him enough.” We don’t like Delusional Daters or delusional cookies, so the best these are gonna get is the middle of the pack.

4. Savannah Smiles

Savannah Smiles

Is this what that girl from Mean Girls was talking about when she said she wanted to bake a cake of rainbows and smiles?? Whoa. I think I’m onto something here. Savannah Smiles are cute little tea cookies dusted in powdered sugar, and they look like something you snacked on at cotillion class before your Deb Ball. V betchy. They’re also not going to make you (as) fat because there are only 140 calories in five cookies. And if you’re eating more than five in one session, you need therapy. Or Jesus.

3. Tagalongs/Peanut Butter Patties

First things first, wtf is a Peanut Butter Patty? Just no. I am ride or die for Team Tagalong. You can put that on my gravestone. If I had to guess, TAGALONGS are like 50% of the population’s fave, and it’s easy to see why. It’s peanut butter on top of a cookie and then the whole thing is covered in chocolate and sprinkled with hopes and dreams. It only loses points for being one of the unhealthiest cookies, but fuck it. I said I was ride or die, and I choose death by Tagalong.

2. Samoas/Caramel deLites

God these are so fucking good. They’re covered in caramel and dark chocolate and coconut, so it’s safe to say they’re the most sophisticated of all the cookies. Samoas are def the most inventive in terms of shape, texture, and flavor combination. Also, they have a hole in the middle which allows us to pretend they’re less calories than the other fully circular cookies. The only reason Samoas aren’t number 1 is because we’re not sure if the name is vaguely racist or not. Are you still allowed to say Samoa?

1. Thin Mints

Fucking duh. The day they get rid of Thin Mints will be the day hell freezes over. Actually, given that our country is run by a moldy fascist clementine and New York City’s weather forecast is a page out of the 28 Days Later screenplay, that’s probably not such a good metaphor. But you get my point: Thin Mints are amazing. You can eat them plain. You can freeze them and crumble them on ice cream. You can make alcoholic Thin Mint milkshakes. The limit on your fatness truly does not exist when Thin Mints are involved. And in case their versatility wasn’t enough, they’re vegan—but we bet you didn’t even know that because they’re not constantly broadcasting it. All hail Thin Mints.