Once upon a time, there was a goddess-in-training named Dr. Frankenbetch. As a teenager, she had abs and buns of steel, and biceps that weren’t quite steely but were still damn good-looking. Then she moved out of her parents’ house, discovered alcohol, and turned into a doughy blob of a human because she had no earthly idea how to make dinner unless it involved a microwave or delivery driver. It was a short-lived phase, TG, but trust me—no betch should go through that kind of psychological torture if she can avoid it. Here are nine ways to make food that won’t make you fat even if you can’t cook to save your own life.
1. Bake All The Frozen Fish You Can Eat
Grilling is best left up to people that have a grasp of the culinary sciences, but you have to get your protein somewhere. I hope you like seafood, because it’s time to start buying all the frozen fish you can stand. Thaw it out in the refrigerator while you’re at work, add whatever spices you want, then stick it in the oven for however long the package tells you to. An hour later, voila! You have the beginnings of a real-adult dinner. All the info is on the box—you really can’t fuck this up. (You can also microwave it I think, but it will probs taste disgusting.)
2. Learn To Love (Or Not Totally Despise) Steamed Vegetables
Yes, vegetables are disgusting, and anyone who says otherwise is delusional. But consider which is worse: choking down some broccoli, or the three hours of SoulCycle it takes to work off all the alcohol and Taco Bell you consumed last night? Start buying the kind of veggies you can steam in the microwave in a bag, and eat them along with the fish you just made. They’re ridiculously healthy and so easy to make you can’t not eat them—you literally don’t even have to take them out of the bag. Eventually, you might even end up brainwashed into thinking they taste okay, especially if you add shit like garlic and olive oil.
3. Replace Pasta With Couscous
If you try to wean yourself off of the microwave, you’re going to wind up eating way too much pasta despite your best efforts. Don’t do that. It’s all fun and delicious carb-y games until you have to start borrowing your mom’s clothes because nothing you own fits anymore. Instead, make couscous—it’s literally the same process (stick it in boiling water for a little while and try not to burn down your kitchen), but it’s better for you because the grain is less refined.
4. Become The Sandwich Queen
Sandwiches aren’t just for grade schoolers, although they are so easy a 9-year-old can make one. Toast some bread, add something green (spinach, lettuce, avocado—whatever), and layer tomatoes slices and deli meat. (Though beware, deli meat is salty af and could just as easily make you bloat.) If you can’t at least make a halfway-decent grilled cheese, I honestly worry whether you have a functioning brain stem.
5. Add Canned Soup (But Don’t Eat It As A Whole Meal)
Canned soup has a shitty reputation, probably because most of us associate it watching terrible sitcom reruns while home from school sick with the flu. As an adult, though, it’s not half bad as long as you check out the sodium content before you buy. Take a page from mid-priced bakeries and heat up half a can to go with your fish and veggies/sandwich/whatever half-baked culinary monstrosity you’ve created this time. As long as you eat something else with it, it totally counts as cooking.
6. Wrap Leftovers In A Tortilla
Wraps are even more versatile than sandwiches. Stick your leftover veggies, meats, and/or salads from a restaurant (aka people who do know how to cook) in a tortilla, and you’ve got yourself a legitimate dinner; I don’t care what you say, mom. If you’re feeling ambitious, you can even grill it for a minute or so on either side, but TBH that’s too much effort for me most of the time.
7. Make Breakfast Tacos
IDGAF if you are an actual former contestant on Worst Cooks in America. It’s impossible to mess up eggs. Scramble some eggs, add avocado and salsa, and stick it all in corn tortillas. Your mom might not be proud of your cooking skills, but at least she’ll be a little less embarrassed to see what your life has become.
8. Eat A Shit Ton Of Fruit
You know what food takes zero effort? Fruit. Like, the hardest one to eat is an orange when you’re trying to peel it in one piece. Start buying fruit and honey instead of Oreos and Twinkies for dessert. Fruit salad can be considered a side at restaurants; therefore, you may consider it part of your dinner. Fruit, obviously, has basically zero calories, and most importantly, it tastes better with wine. A betch has gotta have her priorities straight.
9. Fuck It, Order Delivery
Whatever. This is why God invented Seamless.
If feminism means being able to do everything a man can do, then it also means being able to not do everything a man
can doesn’t do. And by that I mean, if women are expected to learn how to cook just because men don’t want to do it, I’m calling bullshit. Future boyfriends, take note: I’m not learning how to cook.
Women don’t belong in the kitchen any more than Rachel Dolezal belongs in NAACP. It’s one thing if your passion is cooking, but honestly there are so many better things you can do that don’t involve handling raw meat and sweating over a fire. Like, there’s a reason cooking only happens in the “before” part of Disney fairytales when the princesses are still poor and single. People learn to cook because they can’t afford to pay others to do it for them, or because they’re too boring to come up with a better hobby. Seriously, if your hobby is a basic survival skill, you need to get an actual hobby.
Do men love a woman who can cook? Sure, I mean… who doesn’t? I fucking love anyone that can cook because I love good food. But am I trying to marry the chef at Peter Luger steakhouse? Much like I enjoy listening to music but I would never date a guitarist, I can also enjoy eating food made by people who are good at making food without having any desire to date them.
And just because a woman can cook doesn’t give her an advantage when it comes to dating bros. And honestly, girls who talk about how good they are at cooking are like bros that talk about how much money they make. I mean, it might be true, but what’s also true is they have no personality and they’re desperate for you to like them. A picture of your home cooked meal on Instagram is just as much of a thirst trap as a picture of you in a bikini. At least the bikini picture is something everyone can enjoy. Meanwhile all anyone gets from looking at a picture of your chicken parm is annoyed.
Here’s the thing. Even if I was bored enough where I would bother learning how to cook just to pass the time, I wouldn’t want to get too good at it. If you get too good at cooking, people are going to expect you to keep cooking for them. That’s why you should treat cooking the same way you treat blowjobs. You might get good at them in college, but you lie to your boyfriend and say they’re not really your thing. Otherwise he’s going to expect them all the time. If you pretend you hate them, he won’t ask you for them and you can surprise him if you’re feeling generous. In the same way, it’s better if you don’t bother to learn how to cook so you don’t have to do it at all. Do you think Prince Harry knows how to drive a limo? Of course not. But he knows how to ride in one because he’s a prince. You can have a refined palette for food without knowing how to puree a sauce.
I’d rather be a homeschooled jungle freak than have a bro fall in love with me for my cooking. Best case scenario is we get married and then I have to cook for him the rest of our marriage. You literally can only go downhill from there. On the other hand, if I never learn how to cook, we’ll constantly go out to eat at nice restaurants and I never have to hear about how his mom’s recipe was better when we’re 12 years in a marriage with kids that won’t eat their vegetables.
Basically, I want to set the expectations as low as possible when it comes to being domestic, because I am not fucking domestic. Like, why would you want to confine yourself to being an indoor cat when you can be a cheetah in the wild? I mean, we need to be free to eat out at Michelin star restaurants, not getting all Cinderella in the kitchen over some Julia Child cook book. Plus, knowing how to make a drink is way more useful than knowing how to julienne some carrots for a stew. I will shake the shit out of a cocktail glass, but don’t ask me to marinate anything unless it’s one of those gummy bears you soak in vodka—in which case I am pretty much a master chef.
Sorry, but I’m not going to learn how to cook. I see no downside in this except that the bros I date will have to take me out to eat all the time or know how to cook himself. Sorry, did I say downside? There are no downsides.
They say if you can’t handle the heat, GTFO of the kitchen and I’ve always been more of an ice queen anyway.
It’s Singles Awareness Day (vom), and what better way to celebrate than with a dessert-alcohol hybrid? We adapted this recipe by a) making it less fucking work and b) making it slightly more alcoholic.
Also, brownies always have all the fun, and the idea of more chocolate right after Valentine’s Day was making us vom. So, we opted for blondies—our favorite butter and sugar combo. Just add whiskey for a super awesome evening date with some sweatpants and hard alcohol.
- 2 sticks of butter, room temperature — YES REALLY OMFG.
- 1½ cups dark brown sugar
- ½ cup granulated sugar
- 2 eggs
- 1/3 cup of Larceny or Maker’s Mark whiskey — PLZ don’t use Jack Daniels because ew, you guys
- 2 tsps. vanilla
- 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour
- ½ teaspoon salt
- ¾ cup candied nuts — we used candied walnuts which we found at a fancy store
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and while that shit heats, spray an 8×8 pan with Pam.
Grab a skillet and add the butter, stirring constantly—i.e. try not to be distracted—over medium heat or until it sorta browns and smells nutty. Take off the heat and let cool a bit.
In a giant bowl, cream the butter and sugars together until light and fluffy, then add the eggs, whiskey, and vanilla and mix.
In a totally different bowl, mix together the flour and salt, then slowly pour that shit into the butter and sugar mixture. You want this shit to come together, but like, don’t overmix it. Kinda like your love life. Anyway, fold in the candied nuts and pour the batter into your greased baking pan.
Bake for about 25-30 minutes, or until a knife inserted toward the center comes out clean. Let this shit sit for a bit and think about what’s it’s going to do to you, then transfer to a wire rack to continue cooling.
Feel free to pour on a little extra whiskey because like who the fuck cares, honestly. Cut or eat with a spoon out of the pan. We aren’t judging
After Corinne’s revelation that “no one can make cheese pasta like Raquelle/Raquel,” and the subsequent release of her much anticipated cheese pasta recipe here, we decided we needed to revamp it.
I mean, I’m sure shredded cheddar and cooked white pasta taste, um, great, but we have fancy palates meant for Champagne, oysters, and vodka.
Because we love you and want you to have a fancy and non-nutritious dinner during The Bachelor tonight, here’s our fancy version of Raquel’s famous cheese pasta.
- ½ lb. pasta of your choice – we used farfalle
- 4 tbsp. unsalted butter
- 1 egg yolk
- ¾ cup evaporated milk
- Salt and pepper to taste
- 5 oz. white cheddar cheese (we used a farmhouse cheddar because we’re fancy), shredded
- 5 oz. gruyere cheese, shredded (if you can’t find a block of gruyere, use Swiss)
Cook your fucking pasta which, like, we shouldn’t have to give you a play-by-play on how to do unless apparently you’re Corinne. Drain that shit and set the pasta aside. Grab the same pot you just cooked the pasta in and melt the butter over medium heat.
In a separate bowl, whisk together the egg yolk, evaporated milk, salt, and pepper. Reduce the heat under your pot to low and pour in the milk and egg mixture. Stir that shit, then add in all of your cheese—stirring continuously until the mixture is smooth.
Add in your drained pasta and stir. Spoon into a bowl and top with extra black pepper if you like.
This goes great with subpar TV shows and a nice full-bodied red.