People believe in a lot of really strange stuff. There’s your generic “aliens secretly exist” and “the Illuminati run the world” conspiracy theories, and those people that actually believe they’re like, mermaids, or whatever. And then there’s actual crazy cult stuff, like Scientology and sex cults that people get arrested for on the news.

But then there’s the cultish stuff that seemingly normal people believe in. Like, it’s not enough to get them thrown in jail or admitted to a psych ward, but it’s a little questionable, and seems like it could be a really good plotline in a horror movie that ends with, like, ghosts murdering everyone (idk I don’t watch horror movies). So here’s some of the more plain weird, less criminal things people actually believe in.

1. Human Design: A More Cultish Horoscope

For starters, I came across people talking about Human Design on Instagram a few days ago, and I was confused (wtf does it mean to be a generator??) so I investigated. According to some website, Human Design is the idea that humans were pre-coded (so ~techie~) at birth, and that if you can figure out what you were “designed” to be, then you can have a “user manual” for your life.

Wow. Sounds like it was dreamed up by someone on LSD, and guess what, it was founded in the ’80s, so probs! The founder is named Rob Krakower, but he changed his name to Ra Uru Hu because tbh Rob just doesn’t sound like a cult leader name. His eight-day experience with a Voice (so, like, a really bad acid trip???) led him to create the Human Design System.

It’s based on pseudoscience—your “design” seems to be determined by a sub-atomic particle called a neutrino (which does, apparently, exist). Their existence was proven in 2015, but this website proudly informs me that Krakower claimed their existence in 1991 (um, sure, Jan). Basically, these weird subatomic particle things shoot through you at birth and imprint your personality, somehow. Makes a lot of sense.

Anyway, if you’re curious what the universe coded you to be, you can take a test to figure out if you’re a generator, manifestor, projector, or reflector. Sounds like lighting equipment, NGL, but cool!!!!

2. Rumpology: A New Way To Read A Person

Sure, you could just get your palm read and learn that you’ll have seven husbands and die rich, but why go for a normal palm reading when you could have your butt read?!?!? Yes, people are really doing this. I pray for the human race.

Sure. That sounds totally appealing. There’s a small—but stalwart—field of “scientists” who believe that reading someone’s butt shape tells a lot about a person’s character, and can even predict their future. One leader in this ~vast~ field is none other than Sylvester Stallone’s mom. Like, I’m sure your mom embarrasses you ever so often, but imagine if your mom was world-renowned for reading people’s butts.

Honestly, I just typed the word butt so often that I feel like I’ve turned into Tina Belcher. Ok, moving on.

3. Flat Earth: Everyone Has Been Lying To You, Your Entire Life

As soon as you’re old enough to know what, like, a circle is, you learn that the Earth is ROUND. (You also learn, erroneously, that Christopher Columbus thought the earth was flat and that’s why he ran into America instead of reaching India. Also, Christopher Columbus was a murderer, but that’s another issue for another time.)

Some people, however, disagree on this most basic of concepts. Maybe they hated their kindergarten teachers. Maybe they just take life really literally. Idk. But apparently, since the sky seems flat from, like, the ground, then the Earth must be flat! 

The flat earth society not only argues that the earth is flat, but also that NASA is a hoax (obviously, they need an explanation for all that scientific proof that the earth is, in fact, round). Some fairly well-known athletes believe in it, and so does B.o.b., and tbh it’s a little concerning.

Read: The Top 5 Conspiracy Theories You Need To Know About

4. Body Earthers: Go Hug A Tree

Apparently, the cause of disease isn’t your genes or pollutants or random mutations, but the fact that you aren’t connected enough to nature. Yes, let’s take the world’s current obsession with homeopathic medicine one step further and say that you can cure any and all diseases by just putting your toes in the grass. Wait until my weird essential oils aunt hears about this! Body earthers believe the earth apparently transfers positive electrons into the body that kill all the “free radicals” that are messing everything up. Basically, all your problems can be blamed on your shoes. Somebody tell the entire medical field.

5. Memetics: Ideas Will Take Over The Planet

Memes already might take over your life (especially if you don’t actually have a life beyond Instagram… hi) but some people believe memes actually have a life too.

This idea started wayyyy back in the 1970s, before the internet and memes as we know them today. This guy named Richard Dawkins wrote a book called The Selfish Gene, and used the word “meme” to describe an idea. According to Dawkins, memes would use the human mind as a host (this is giving off Invasion of the Body Snatchers vibes), and the meme would replicate or change as it jumped from individual to individual. An idea succeeds in culture if the host is willing to contribute to spreading around the idea.

This science of thought is called memetics, and though it seems harmless, I just can’t get the idea of an idea as a parasite breeding in someone’s head. Haven’t there been multiple movies made about this?

So basically, evil Kermit the Frog memes are going to kill us all. Honestly, it’s the way I want to go.

If you love cults, conspiracies, true crime, and sh*t like that, listen to the newest Betches podcast, Not Another True Crime Podcast!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)

If you love conspiracy theories, cults, and true crime, listen to the newest Betches podcast, Not Another True Crime Podcast, where we talk about all that sh*t! Listen here.

Brittany Murphy passed away tragically nearly nine years ago, but the details of her death are still super sketchy and the basis of some of the internet’s finest conspiracy theories to this day. If you haven’t accidentally stayed up until 4am watching Brittany Murphy conspiracy videos on YouTube, you haven’t lived. Before I dive into the five craziest theories surrounding her death, it’s important to know a few “facts.” (Ugh, I’ve always wanted to put some shady quotation marks around the word facts in an article. Bless up.)

Brittany Murphy collapsed in her bathroom on December 20, 2009, when she was only 32. She had been dealing with flu-like symptoms for a few days, and her death was ruled an “accident”. (Throwing in some more shady quotation marks, you guys.) Basically, the police were like, “she had pneumonia, anemia, and she had multiple prescription drugs in her system, and that’s why she died.” OKAY, sure.

At the time, Brittany lived with her mother, Sharon Murphy, and her husband, screenwriter Simon Monjack. Unlike most celebrity relationships, Brittany and Simon had actually known each other for eight years and had been married for two at this point. Still, when she died, people pointed fingers at him because he was kind of a creepy-looking dude. Then, five months later, Simon died of the exact same cause, also in their Hollywood Hills home. Uh, WTF?! Here are the five most insane theories about what happened.

1. It Was Basically ‘American Horror Story’: Murder House

I’m going to be totally transparent here: I’m obsessed with this conspiracy theory because it was kind of my first foray into watching sh*tty YouTube conspiracy videos. The conspiracy that Brittany lived in a haunted, sinister, or whatever-creepy-term-you-want-to-call-it house sent me into an internet blackhole in 2016 when the home went on the market after a complete rebuild.

According to The Daily Mail, Brittany Murphy bought the Hollywood Hills home from Britney Spears in 2003. Britney Spears lived there with Justin Timberlake, and apparently thought it was spooky as f*ck.

Simon had said that the whole time Brittany Murphy lived there, she was vocal about how much she hated it.

It’s kind of impossible to point to anything that could prove the house was haunted, other than rumors that both Brits felt that there was something off. A more likely explanation for Brittany and Simon’s deaths in the home is that there was toxic mold. (That has not been proven.) Of course, how the mold got there is another story. Brittany’s mother apparently thinks the builders of the home were to blame for it, but nobody knows for sure. Some reports also suggest that the couple were total hoarders, and their house was kind of a pack rat situation, which could have resulted in some molding. 

2. She Was Poisoned

After Brittany and Simon’s deaths, Brittany’s father, Angelo Bertolotti, ordered a toxicology test. The lab report revealed that Brittany had really high levels of heavy metal in her hair, which could have been a result of ingesting rat poison. Apparently, the symptoms that both she and Simon suffered before their deaths (a headache, dizziness, and confusion) are consistent with the symptoms of being given rat poison. The report did suggest that the substance could have been administered with criminal intent, but there has yet to be a follow-up investigation to see just who could have done it. Then again, many argue that things like hair dye could also cause metals to show up in the report. Hmmm…

3. It Was The Government

I mean, has there ever been a sketchy occurrence in history that someone didn’t try to blame the government for? You had to know this was coming.

Top Priority: The Terror Within is a documentary about a Homeland Security breach that Brittany was apparently wrapped up in. According to The Huffington Post, the documentary asserts that Brittany and Simon were on a government watch list and that U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement were trying to kick him out of the country.

The documentary also claims Brittany was friends with a whistleblower, Julia Davis, and that Brittany got caught in the crosshairs trying to defend her. The couple was apparently convinced that the government was spying on them. This theory suggests that Brittany and Simon were prob poisoned by the government. Sound crazy? It is. We delve deep into this theory on the second episode of Not Another True Crime Podcast, which you can listen to below.

4. Brittany’s Mom Did It

Brittany’s father, Angelo, thinks that her mother is to blame for the mysterious death. And he’s been pretty vocal about it. It’s why he ordered testing to see what was really in Brittany’s system when she died.

“There are many unanswered questions that have to be addressed,” Angelo said in an interview. “Out of three people living together in the same house, only one survives and benefits financially.”

Before Brittany died, Sharon apparently had her execute a will and leave everything in her name. Simon was obv left out of the whole thing. Then, after Brittany’s death, Sharon started selling all of her sh*t in auctions. Even her passport and clothing from movies she’d starred in were up for grabs. So sus.

5. Harvey Weinstein Did It

Okay, this one is probably a major stretch, but isn’t that what you all came here for? This Reddit thread suggests that Harvey Weinstein did it, and honestly, you don’t need to do much to convince me on this one. The dude f*cking sucks.

There’s pretty much no basis to this theory, other than the fact that Salma Hayek has said that Harvey has threatened to kill her, as well as some whispers that other stars have backed up these claims with their own Harvey horror stories. Some other Redditers also theorize that there was also potentially some beef between Harvey, Simon, and Brittany.

And just to round this article out, here’s a video of Taryn Manning playing a DJ set where she gives a shoutout to her 8 Mile co-star and friend, Brittany Murphy, right as the music and equipment suddenly shut down. SpOooOoky.

If you love conspiracy theories, cults, and true crime, listen to the newest Betches podcast, Not Another True Crime Podcast, where we talk about all that sh*t! Listen here.

Images: Giphy (4)

Love conspiracy theories? We JUST LAUNCHED a podcast about conspiracies, cults, true crime, and more. Listen to Not Another True Crime Podcast here!

We live for celebrity gossip. From reality TV shows to tabloids, we cannot get enough about who our favorite celebs are dating or what they’re eating for lunch. Understandably so, when a celebrity dies, we have a stronger emotional response than when our great aunt once removed dies. Need proof? Both Princess Di and Michael Jackson’s funeral were televised and it is estimated that over 30 million people tuned in to each of those. To put it in perspective, that’s more views than Trump’s inauguration and way more than the number of people who showed up to your aunt’s funeral. Ouch. But death isn’t just what people fixate on. People today need reasonings for everything, which explains the countless celebrity conspiracy theories surrounding an unexpected death, a pregnancy, or even a slightly weird behavior. Get ready to question everything.

1. Avril Lavigne Was Replaced By An Impersonator

People think our fav Sk8er Girl actually committed suicide in 2003 and was replaced by a doppelgänger. The theory goes that Melissa Vandella allegedly filled in for Lavigne before her “death” to confuse the paparazzi, but when she did die, Vandella stepped in to continue her fame. Here are their reasonings: one, her nose changed (have these people ever heard of a nose job??). Secondly, her image went from punk to more “bubble gum-y.” Although I don’t argue with this, music artists change their image often. Just look at Miley Cyrus!

2. Beyoncé Was Never Pregnant With Blue Ivy

I think I could dedicate a whole article to the celebrity conspiracy theories involving just Beyoncé. Besides the fact that people claim her to be the Queen of the Illuminati, people believe she and Jay-Z used a surrogate for their pregnancy with Blue. The strongest “case” these people have is her appearance on an Australia talk Show called Sunday Night. When Bey goes to sit down, her fake belly dress folds in an unnatural way that convinced people she was wearing a prosthetic stomach. I think the most absurd “evidence” for this conspiracy theory is that there are no pictures of Beyoncé giving birth to Blue. Hmm maybe she didn’t want pics of her platinum vagine online? Just a thought.

3. Britney Spears Worked for George Bush

Ha. I think this may be my favorite of the absurd celebrity conspiracy theories. Ever wonder if it was a coincidence that Britney Spears had some public scandal whenever a government incident also occurred? I’m Canadian, so I didn’t, but maybe you did. People think the government paid Spears to have some public scandal every time the Bush government messed up to distract the public. If this is true, maybe Trump should start paying Kanye West?

4. Marilyn Monroe Was Murdered

Monroe was found dead in her home on August 5, 1962, and her death was ruled “acute barbiturate poisoning by accidental overdose.” People believe this isn’t the case. Due to Monroe’s intimate relationships with the Kennedy brothers, some speculate that her death was organized by the CIA or mafia because she knew too much about them. This gets me thinking if this were true, no one would ever know and how many other deaths were “accidents.” *Looks over shoulder*

5. Princess Diana Was Killed By The Royal Family

There are actually so many theories as to how Princess Diana’s accident was really a plot orchestrated by the royal family that the British government opened an investigation called Operation Paget to examine all of them. The most popular conspiracy theory says that Diana was having an affair, got pregnant from said affair, and the royal family killed her to cover it up. Even stranger? Diana herself believed the royals were after her and that her car had been tampered with… that same car that crashed and killed her. In the third episode of Not Another True Crime Podcast, we delve into each conspiracy theory and its plausibility. Listen below.

6. Elvis Presley is Alive

After his death in 1977, people added another theory to the master celebrity conspiracy theories list. This time, people believe that the King of Rock actually faked his own death to go into hiding. The Elvis Sighting Society (yes, it’s a real thing) is dedicated to publicizing when “Presley” is spotted today. People even claim he was an extra in Home Alone. But can you imagine if Elvis was really posing as an Elvis impersonator on the Vegas strip? LOL.

7. Michael Jackson Faked His Own Death

People believe that Jackson faked his own death to escape fame and to save himself from bankruptcy. Since Michael has been famous since he was a kid, his whole life has been followed by the paparazzi, so I definitely wouldn’t blame him for wanting some normalcy. Further, it is speculated that his financial status wasn’t good near the time of his “death.” By faking his death, he knew his sales would skyrocket and he would no longer be in a financial crisis. If this celebrity conspiracy theory is true, it’s a pretty damn good business move on the King of Pop’s part.

Want more conspiracy theories? Listen to Not Another True Crime podcast here!

Images: Gokil / Unsplash; Giphy (3)

I hate that millennials get so much shit for blowing all their money on avocado toast and matcha tea. Why doesn’t anyone recognize that all we care about is blaming all our horrible qualities on astrology, ditching plans, and watching conspiracy theory videos? It’s honestly kind of rude. Anyway, I’ve done us all a favor and have created a guide to which conspiracy theory you’ll be obsessed with based on your zodiac sign. You’re welcome.

Aries – Jonestown

Aries are natural born leaders and love organization, so they’ll eat up anything about cults just like they’d dive into a sale at the Container Store. A pretty good cult conspiracy to get sucked into is Jonestown. If you’ve consumed like, any kind of true crime anything, you’ve probably heard of it, but if you haven’t, here’s the gist. Jim Jones (no, not the rapper), started a cult called The Peoples Temple, and convinced 900 people to drink Flavor Aid (similar to Kool-Aid but not Kool-Aid, common misconception) laced with cyanide for a mass suicide. The conspiracy is that it was actually a mass murder and that the whole thing might have been connected to MK-Ultra, the government’s mind control program. Like I said, every respectable true crime thing has a Jonestown episode, but the Conspiracy Theories podcast from Parcast has a pretty solid two-part special on it.

Taurus – The Mandela Effect

Taurus is the most stubborn sign of the zodiac, so the theory behind The Mandela Effect is something you guys probably already believe to be fact in your daily lives. It’s based on the fact that some people legitimately think Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 80s when he actually totally became the president of South Africa and didn’t die until 2013. In the most Taurus shit in all eternity, people think that this means that there are actually parallel universes, and there is a universe where Nelson Mandela really did die in the 80s. This is probably less of a conspiracy theory and more of an elaborate scam created by a Taurus to win an argument. Anyway, here’s a video that explains the whole concept to kickstart your internet rabbit hole. It has the cutest fucking dog in the world in it.

Gemini – Lindsay Lohan’s Murdered Twin

Geminis are the twins of the zodiac, so I’m going to get really lazy here and toss you guys this thrown-together twin conspiracy theory. Have you heard of the theory that Lindsay Lohan actually did have a twin? But Disney murdered here because she was a shitty actress and it was cheaper to just pay Lindsay than to pay them both? I’m pretty sure this was just started by some Twitter user who was bored one day and is now suspended, but here’s a low quality video to get you thinking. I mean, what’s more believable? The fact that Disney killed off a child star, or that a movie in the 90s had a high enough production value and LiLo is a good enough actress to have played twins? Actually, I’m going to prove this wrong by assuming that Dina Lohan would have sold the story to E! by now.

Cancer – Kurt Cobain Was Murdered

Cancers are sentimental, emotional, and family-oriented, so what better conspiracy to tug on your heartstrings than the never-ending saga of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love? Kurt Cobain died by suicide in 1994, but headlines surrounding conspiracy theories tied to his death have been making headlines as recently as this month. Courtney and her daughter, Frances Bean, are involved in a lawsuit involving Frances’s ex-husband and like, nine different conspiracy theories. If that wasn’t enough, a conspiracy theorist failed to get the city of Seattle to release the crime scene photos from Kurt’s death last month. There are tons of documentaries about this, but if you feel like really splurging, you can pay $4 to watch “Soaked in Bleach” on Amazon Prime.

Leo – Kanye West Is David Bowie’s Chosen Successor

Kanye West is technically a Gemini, but he’s almost as obsessed with himself as Leos are. Leos are known for loving attention and feeling like they’re destined for the limelight, and no conspiracy speaks to that more than the theory that David Bowie predicted that Kanye West would be destined to become a chosen musical prodigy, or whatever. This is basically a Leo dream.

Virgo – The Sugar Conspiracy

Okay, so, you know how it’s common knowledge that the tobacco industry fucked with research to make it seem like cigarettes weren’t that bad? Well, this conspiracy claims that the sugar industry has been doing the same thing since the 70s. You vegans… I mean, Virgos, probably already know about this one, but if you don’t, you should give this documentary a watch. It claims that the sugar industry is trying to hide that it is the main villain behind heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.

Libra – Crack Cocaine Conspiracy

Libra is a sign represented by the scales, so balance, fairness, and equality are important to you betches. You should totally watch Kill the Messenger. It’s based on the true story of journalist Gary Webb, who was investigating the crack cocaine epidemic in the 90s and was basically like “oh shit, I just uncovered a massive government conspiracy theory.” He reported that the CIA was facilitating crack being smuggled into America. It’s super complicated, and the movie clears it up, but in short it’s kind of like how Kris calls the paps before her kids go out to lunch so they know to take pictures of them.

Scorpio – The NXIVM Sex Cult

Scorpio is a fixed sign that’s driven by leadership. Scorpios are also low-key pretty shady and love to be in control of everything. I’m going to say it’s safe to assume that if you’re a Scorpio, the alleged sex cult that started as a pyramid scheme may be at least mildly interesting to you. NXIVM is allegedly an insane sex cult that brainwashed people through seminars that were marketed as empowering. There are tons of conspiracies linked to this, so if you’re looking to really dive into the depths of the internet (because you’re an obsessive Scorpio), you’ll eat this shit up. I mean, there’s even an alleged connection to Stormy Daniels. It has everything.

Sagittarius – The Earth is Flat

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; Sagittarius is the travel blogger of the zodiac. I’m not going to dignify the conspiracy theory that the Earth is flat with any kind of explanation or links to insane YouTube videos or podcasts. However, I will tell you that if you want to learn more, Tila Tequila’s Twitter account is probably a good place to start. Oh, wait. That’s suspended, because she’s insane. You could try Lincoln from The Bachelorette. Anyway, I’m not saying Sagittarians would actually believe that the Earth is flat, but I am suggesting that you guys would be really into this conspiracy and use it as an excuse to start some travel Instagram. Sagittarians are known to welcome very philosophical thinking, so y’all would definitely consider it to try to scam some poor boutique hotel in Australia out of a free stay.

Capricorn – Everything is a Scam

As a Capricorn, you’re pessimistic and practical AF. You probably wouldn’t want to waste a whole lot of time reading conspiracy theories, anyway, so you might as well learn about some shit that might actually be real. You should definitely watch the series Underworld, Inc. on Netflix. It basically attempts to reveal that everything in the entire world, like Las Vegas for example, is a scam.

Aquarius – Heaven’s Gate

Aquarians are weird as hell and practically the conspiracy theorists of the zodiac. You water bearers would probably be into any conspiracy on this list, but the Heaven’s Gate cult that orchestrated a mass suicide in 1997 will check every unusual interest off your list. It has aliens. It has UFO-based religious groups. It’s like, a one-stop shop for everything you could ever need. There’s a podcast called Heaven’s Gate on Spotify (or wherever you like to listen to your podcasts, I don’t know your life) that you like, need to listen to immediately.

Pisces – Mona Lisa Conspiracy Theories

Pisces are definitely some of the most artistic people, so you should prob read up on all of the conspiracy theories linked to one of the most famous pieces of art of all time, the Mona Lisa. This thing is ancient AF, so people have been making up shit about it since the beginning of time. Some theories make more sense than others, like the conspiracy that the painting was stolen to create forgeries. The rest are just probably good to get into while you’re stoned, like the idea that it’s proof that aliens are real.

It’s summer, which means all of your friends are probably inviting you to social events that you don’t really want to go to, like happy hour, brunch, and the beach. Because being social and going outdoors blows, you’re going to need some solid excuses for ditching. Here are some of the best conspiracy theories to fall into an internet black hole with. Next time someone’s like, “let’s go hiking,” or your boss hands you an assignment, just tell them you have independent research to conduct, fire up Google, and throw one of these terms into the search engine.

1. Avril Lavigne Is Dead

Where even were you if you didn’t spend a week of your life watching Avril Lavigne conspiracy theories on YouTube in 2017? You should definitely already know about this one, but if you don’t, get on it ASAP. The theory is that Avril Lavigne died by suicide in 2003 and was replaced with a lookalike named Melissa Vandella, who was already working for her to handle public appearances. As if Avril’s Instagram game and transition to a life of wearing teased, pageant style hair extensions wasn’t evidence enough, this Twitter thread will give you all of the information to stay woke about the truth behind your favorite sk8r grl.

avril lavigne is dead & was replaced by a look alike: a conspiracy theory thread pic.twitter.com/9eearQ2rte

— gıνeи¢ħч (@givenchyass) May 13, 2017

2. We Never Landed On The Moon

The only space-related conspiracy theory that’s trippier than anything about alien abductions or whatever is the theory that we never landed on the moon. Basically, the government just made a mad expensive movie and was like, “hello, yes, just got back from the moon, HMU.” Do we actually believe that a bunch of computers less powerful than the graphing calculator you used in middle school sent a guy to the moon? Here’s a guy from BuzzFeed explaining why that’s bullshit. I believe him because he has glasses and a mustache, and you should, too.

3. Katy Perry is JonBénet Ramsey

For a long time, I have believed this theory to be fact. I like to casually drop it into conversation like it’s something people should just generally know. You know, like, Donald Glover is Childish Gambino and Katy Perry is JonBénet Ramsey. I’ve never actually looked into this conspiracy theory until now, because ever since taking one look at a side-by-side of Katy and JonBénet, I’ve always been like, “yeah, seems legit.” Anyway, here are the details I found in my seven minutes of thorough research. The Illuminati kidnapped JonBénet, her murder was totally faked, and then a couple years later, they were like, “okay, JonKaty, you can now sing pop music that will be wildly popular for a few years until everyone gets sick of you and it essentially only plays at Kohl’s stores.” This theory is primarily based on the similarities in Katy and JonBénet’s eyebrows and ignores the fact that Katy is six years older, but I still recognize it as the truth.

4. Project MK Ultra Was The Government’s Attempt at Mind Control

I know that I probably just lost a lot of credibility by asserting that the JonBénet Perry thing is true, but this MK Ultra shit really happened. Don’t believe me? Just watch Stranger Things. Duh. Originally, I assumed that MK Ultra was a beer that frat guys drink, but then I learned that it’s actually a program the CIA ran to brainwash people. They were just like, giving people LSD and torturing them to see if they could control everyone’s minds. The really fucked up part is that they targeted marginalized people, like sex workers, to try to get away with it. It was originally supposed to turn people into spies during the Cold War, but now YouTubers say that it’s the reason celebrities like Kanye act crazy.

5. Britney Spears Was Hired By Bush To Distract Us

There are sooo many George W. Bush conspiracy theories I could have put in this roundup, but I’m going to go with this one because it’s prob the least depressing and most entertaining. People think that Bush hired Britney Spears to act wild during his presidency to distract from the fact that he was fucking up the country. I mean, just check out this timeline. Brit shaved her head and attacked a paparazzi with an umbrella the same night Bush announced the reformation of Al-Qaeda. Bam.

Images: givenchyass / Twitter; What’s Trending, BuzzfeedBlue, Dark5 / Youtube; Giphy

Picking something to watch on Netflix is one of life’s greatest challenges. While we’ll probably never know if that’s due to the fact that Netflix is filled with a bunch of really great options, or we’re all just paying $8 a month to scroll through hundreds of shitty movies and television shows only to watch Parks and Rec for the millionth time, it is true that the streaming service does have at least one thing for everyone. To make your life so much easier, here’s which Netflix documentary you should watch based on your zodiac sign. I’ve even included a trailer for each one, so if you get halfway through and decide it’s a total waste of your time, you can’t blame me. I’m not, like, a scientist or whatever, but I’m pretty good at pretending to know a lot about people depending on their signs, so here you go.

Aries – ‘Minimalism: A Documentary About The Important Things’

Aries are super organized, competitive leaders who probably don’t want to waste a lot of time watching Netflix because they have other shit to do. If they’re going to spend precious time watching a Netflix documentary, it better be motivational. Watch Minimalism and get inspired to throw out all of your stuff.

Taurus – ‘Blackfish’

Tbh, Taurus is the worst sign to give a Netflix documentary recommendation to, because they’re super stubborn and hate change. They probably only pay for Netflix to keep rewatching The Office. Stick to something you’ve probably already seen before, like Blackfish. Everyone has seen Blackfish.

Gemini – ‘Icarus’

Geminis can literally never STFU because they’re super curious and always want to chat about whatever book they’re reading or podcast they’re listening to. Watch a documentary that’s currently really popular and relevant, so you can fall into a blackhole on Reddit or chime into some random Twitter convo about it. Icarus, the documentary about the Russian Olympic doping scandal, is totally a perfect fit.

Cancer – ‘Lady Gaga: Five Foot Two’

Lady Gaga: Five Foot Two is a raw, emotional look at Lady Gaga’s most vulnerable and personal moments. As a sign that’s really emotional and sympathetic, Cancers will eat this shit up. Like, you’ll probably be tearing up halfway through this trailer. 

Leo – ‘Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond’

Jim Carrey isn’t a Leo, but you’d prob assume he is after watching Jim & Andy, the documentary about the time he went totally nuts when playing comedian Andy Kaufman in the Man on the Moon biopic. I mean, he’s obv warm-hearted and hilarious, but taking a role so seriously to the point where he basically drives everyone around him insane, then realizing that the whole thing was nuts and a documentary needs to be made out of it, is a total Leo move. Leos will love this documentary almost as much as they love themselves.

Virgo – ‘Food, Inc.’

Virgos are total health freaks, so it’s probably important for them to see Food, Inc. Or like, a really bad idea for them to see it, because then they’ll start worrying about everything they eat and obsessively reading nutrition labels more than they already do. Eh. Whatever.

Libra – ’13TH’

13TH is a documentary that investigates how seriously fucked up the United States prison boom is. Prob important watching for every single one of the 12 zodiac signs, but justice-seeking Libras will be really into it.

Scorpio – ‘Seeing Allred’

Scorpios have no fucking chill, just like women’s rights attorney Gloria Allred. Gloria is a passionate badass who has been fighting for women and minorities forever. She’s one of the HBICs in the #MeToo movement, but she’s been the shit for decades. Like, she represented Nicole Brown against OJ. She’s def the human embodiment of every Scorpio trait, so maybe you guys will be inspired to put that intensity somewhere useful after watching Seeing Allred. 

Sagittarius – ‘Liberated: The New Sexual Revolution’

Sagittarius is the zodiac sign most likely to have the word “wanderlust” somewhere in an Instagram bio, and is known for being curious, loving freedom, and hating stage-five clingers. Obviously, Liberated: The New Sexual Revolution is a must-watch. It’s a documentary that basically explores our generation’s attitude towards spring break hookup culture and everything that goes along with it, but it serves as a cautionary tale too. Like, enter a twerking contest in Mexico if that’s what your heart desires, Sagittarius, but remember that you’re also allowed to say no if it skeeves you out.

Capricorn – ‘Banking on Bitcoin’

Capricorns are kind of hardos when it comes to being productive, because they actually enjoy getting shit done. Can’t relate. But anyway, they’re also a pretty traditional sign, so learning about what Bitcoin actually is might be pretty interesting for a Capricorn, considering it’s such a brand new thing.

Aquarius – ‘Casting JonBenet’

Aquarians are weird as shit and love to get sucked into conspiracy theories, so Casting JonBenet is obviously the perfect documentary for them. I mean, really anything that could potentially introduce an Aquarius to new conspiracy theories is ideal, but Casting JonBenet really takes the cake because it’s a bizarre cross between a drama and a documentary, and it’s a case that will probably never be solved.

Pisces – ‘Manolo: The Boy Who Made Shoes For Lizards’

Pisces are super creative and gentle, so they’ll probably effing love the idea of a baby Manolo Blahnik crafting shoes for lizards, even if every other sign would roll their eyes at it. Also, Rihanna makes an appearance in this, so like, just watch it.

Image: Shutterstock

If you’re not spending every waking hour on the verge of a panic attack, are you even really living? Like, have you been to Earth? Shit is fucked up. But don’t worry, we did a round up of true crime stories that will keep you on edge and unable to sleep at night. Why get a full night’s rest and find your zen when you can freak the fuck out researching serial killers and convincing yourself everyone you know could be a straight up MUR-DUR-ER. Trust no bitch. Also, maybe pop a Xanax after reading this.

The Couple That Kidnapped Their Own Children

Just this week a couple was arrested for holding their 13 kids captive in their California home. The kids ranged from ages 2-29 and some were bound with chains and padlocks. One of the 13 kids managed to escape and call the cops and tell them WTF was up. The couple is being charged with torture and child endangerment, with their bail set at $9 mill. Most families who lived in their neighborhood didn’t suspect anything and thought they seemed like loving parents. Things aren’t always as they seem, as in sometimes your neighbs have literally kidnapped their own children. What. The. Fuck.

The Creepy AF Submarine Murderer

This is another recent one and is scary AF. So this Dutch inventor, Peter Madson, invited Swedish journalist, Kim Wall, to come *submarine and chill* aka interview him on his submarine last August. Ten days after she was reported missing, her dismembered body was found in a bag off the coast of Copenhagen. Madson was sloppy with his story, first denying having dismembered her body and claiming she died in a terrible accident after getting hit in the head with some sort of machinery while on board. Then he changed his story and said she died of carbon monoxide poisoning, and that he did in fact casually dismember her. Likely story, bro. What are you BFFs with Robert Burpity Durst? Anyway, his trial is set for March and he’s totally guilty. Sidetone: I feel like submarines are v underrepresented in crimes. I’m basing this completely off the fact that I just watched a Jane the Virgin ep where a criminal hides out underwater in her submarine and I thought that was like, really smart, but, food for thought.

The Female Serial Killer Who Low-Key Bathed in Blood

This bitch. Known as the most prolific female murderer ever, she is thought to have killed more than 600 people back int he 1600’s. At least she was very ahead of her time in terms of breaking the glass ceiling for female murderers. JK. This woman was seriously disturbed and supes dramatic. She would murder female virgins and then bathe in their blood in order to “soak up their youth.” That is the grossest and most extra thing I have ever heard. Exfoliate with some sand or whatever it is they did back then for skin reigmens. No need to go taking a bath in virgin blood. Just my honest opinion.

The Stalker Known As ‘The Watcher’

A family bought a house in Westfield, New Jersey back in 2014 but have yet to move in due to harassment they have received from an anonymous stalker known as “The Watcher.” After the family bought the house, they started receiving threatening letters from someone who claimed to have the rights to the house. A particularly menacing letter read, “All of the windows and doors…allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house.” It adds, “I watch and wait for the day the young blood will be mine again.” It’s all very season 1 of American Horror Story, and very, very creepy. Also, another reason to never by a house, IMO.

The Man Who May or May Not Have Predicted His Death

This one is for all you alien conspiracy theory freaks out there. Max Spiers, a UFO researcher and conspiracy theorist himself, was found dead just days after he sent his mom a text that said, “If anything happens to me, investigate.” Police say he died of natural causes, but his mom says he was incredibly healthy AND she has been refused paperwork about the cause of death. Sounds suspicious to me. Now, please excuse me while I Google UFO sightings for the next, IDK, twelve hours.

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