What Your Zodiac Sign Reveals About Your Sex Life

We all love reading about our zodiac signs, even though horoscopes might not be the most scientifically accurate. The brand just revealed the results from their 2019 SKYN Condoms Sex & Intimacy Survey, which asked 2,000 Gen-Z adults (18-22) and millennials (23-38) in the US and Canada detailed information about everything from condom use and sexual education to favorite sexual positions and fantasies. Some of the results were kind of surprising—like how 65% of Gen-Z reports using a condom all or some of the time, while only 54% of millennials could say the same. Some were disappointing, like how Gen-Z fakes orgasms more often than millennials (10% of the time versus 6%, respectively). But in addition to breaking down their findings by generation, we worked with Skyn to break things down by astrological sign. It’s the perfect mix of astrology and science. So read on to find out what your zodiac sign reveals about how you are in bed.

Aquarius

Vibrator

According to Skyn’s research, if you’re an Aquarius-born person, you use lube most frequently and toys while you masturbate. While those are all great characteristics for a partner, if your SO is an Aquarius, don’t bother asking for a threesome. They are least likely to have one. On top of that, they are the least adventurous when it comes to locations to have sex, so keep it in the bedroom.

Pisces

If you’re a Pisces, you’re freaky. You are most likely to have filmed yourself and a partner having sex multiple times. But!! If you’re going to film yourself having sex, make sure everyone involved consents and is over 18 (*cough* Rob Lowe *cough*). As well, you’re more likely to be in an open relationship and are the biggest fans of vibrators. But beware of calling your partner the wrong name, since you are most likely to do so. Yikes.

Aries

Ahh Aries. Lucky for you, you last the longest during sex—an average of 31 minutes. You’re also most likely to use a sex toy. Fun! However, you are also most likely to have had a dry spell (aka no sex) for over 2 years, other than when you lost your V card. Maybe that has to do with the fact that you are also most likely to fake an orgasm. 12% of Aries reported faking an orgasm every damn time they had sex. Unless you’re imitating Sally, STOP IT!

Taurus

Andy Devil Wears Prada

If you’re a Taurus, you’re least likely to want to spice things up in the bedroom. So either you’re intimidated or super vanilla. No shame in the latter, but if it’s the former, maybe work on it? It’s worth it to switch things up, I promise. Skyn also found that you would prefer to give up social media for a year instead of sex, and like honestly, I agree. Finally, if anyone is interested in having an open relationship, hit up a Taurus ’cause they are most likely to consider it.

Gemini

Colton

Beware of Geminis. While you are least likely to fake an orgasm (take note, Aries), you are most likely to overreport the number of people you’ve slept with. Why? Just keep it real. But on the flip side, Geminis are also most likely to still be a virgin. I was hoping Steve Carell was a Gemini, but he isn’t. Is Colton?? Whatever. Unlike a Taurus, you are most hesitant to give up social media for a year over sex. So either you’re v attached to your phone or the sex you’ve had is not very good.

Cancer

I’ve never been happier to be referred to as a disease until today. As a Cancer, I have the most sex out of all the signs and am most adventurous outside the bedroom. Seems fitting for the things I write about (sorry mom). Cancers love cowgirl—37% rated it in their “Top 3 Fav Positions.” And, when it comes to one night stands, Cancers are most likely to find someone on a night out. Get it, Cancers.

Leo

If you’re a Leo, you’re most likely to use social media DMs as a way to sext. You love dirty talk and find it a major confidence booster. You also love a good blindfold, so partners of Leos, take note. But buyer beware: the majority of Leos believe that size is “very or somewhat important” for sexual pleasure. Listen, it isn’t about the size of the wand, it’s about the skills of the wizard (or however that saying goes).

Virgo

Threesome

Since Virgos are “supposedly” the most studious, you are most likely to meet your SO at school. Unlike Aquarians, you are most likely to be open to a threesome. Fun! While you are also more likely to have sex on the first date, you are the least likely to experiment with sexual fluidity. No shame in that, though—you know what you like and you stick to it.

Libra

Your fav sex position is probs doggy, since 67% of Libra’s rated it in their “Top 3 Fav Positions.” You are least likely to use a condom (I won’t lecture you, but be safe pls). You are most likely to judge someone with multiple partners, and maybe that is you just being bitter, given that a quarter of Libras said they masturbate more than five times a week. Maybe lessen up on the judgment, k?

Scorpio

You are most likely to buy condoms online, and while you’re at it, throw some cuffs into your Amazon cart since you are also most likely to use some sort of restraints, you kinky people. As well, Scorpios are the most successful when it comes to datings apps. You are also most likely to think foreplay is overrated. I disagree but again, I’m a Cancer so …

Sagittarius

You are smart and safe. You are most likely to use condoms, and I commend you for that. Maybe you should talk to your Libra friends about the wonders of protection. While you are most likely to wrap it before you tap it, you are least likely to lube it up before you use it. Uh, ouch? You also play hard to get, being among the least likely to have sex on the first date. Finally, you prefer giving over receiving oral sex. You generous soul.

Capricorn

You find it difficult to be in a relationship, making you the most likely to stay single. Although you may be single, you experiment and are the biggest fans of flavored condoms (don’t worry, Skyn makes condoms inspired by our fav cocktails). While you may like flavors, you are rather vanilla when it comes to positions. Missionary is the favorite position among Capricorns. And luck you, Capricorns are most likely to orgasm more than once during sex.

Images: Giphy (12)

What Your Birth Control Choice Says About You

As a girl of the 21st century, you are probably aware of the many birth control options available to keep you gettin’ busy without making a baby in the process. Like all women, each birth control option is its own special snowflake and reveals valuable information about the betch who chose it. So what does your birth control say about you? Let’s see!

The Pill

You are a betch who likes to be on a schedule. You probably have a multi-colored, multi-tabbed planner full of stickers letting you know exactly where you need to be and when (as a backup to the meticulously kept calendar that is already on your phone.) You take comfort in the rituals of life—Bachelor in Paradise on Monday and Tuesday, brunch on Sunday, and your pill, every day, with lunch. These routines help keep you grounded, which is why you’re the one in your friend group who your other besties can count on when they need to text “Wait, when is Becca’s wedding again?” You may not be the most likely friend for seat-of-your pants adventures, but you’re not pregnant so there’s always that.

Condoms

For the down-to-earth, grounded betch who wants to leave her body (and her hormones) as is. You go with the flow (seriously, your period is nuts) and your besties love you for it. You can probably be found at your weekly Ashtanga class, praying to mother Gaia and connecting spiritually with your pelvic wall. Your organic vegan gluten free paleo diet may earn you some jealous side-eyeing from your besties, but that’s only because they know your healthy AF lifestyle means you’ll live long enough to get drunk at all of their funerals.
Condom

The IUD

You are a strong motherfucker who does not fuck around. You got your IUD because it was the most practical, long lasting, and tested method available and you ain’t afraid to have a doctor shove some metal and/or plastic contraption in your vag. You are the friend who is always down to help another friend move, and will actually be like, helpful in the process. You take hardcore fitness classes like CrossFit and Rumble and are the bestie that everybody knows not to fuck with. When you do decide to have a child they’ll be one of those kids who is like “Sorry I can’t come out, my mom is super intense.” Though thanks to your IUD, that won’t be a for a long, long time.

The Nuva Ring

You are a sexy, modern woman who’s not afraid to touch the inside of her vagina if it means reliable birth control. You’re the friend about whom guys are always asking, “Who is that?” and you probably have your fair share of vibrators and other goodies in your bedside table. You are basically a walking, talking Cosmo magazine worth of sex advice, and your besties thank you for it. Any guy who can’t give you what you want cant hit the damn road, and you teach your friends to do the same. Just don’t let your kids catch you in the act when you finally do settle down.
Bobs Burgers

Implanon (That Thing They Implant Into Your Arm)

You are a cyborg betch from the future! You are always up on the latest gadgets and have had wireless headphones for ages now. You are fully tuned in to all things tech, and can’t wait for the day when we hit the singularity and all upload our consciousness onto the cloud. When your besties are having issues with their phone or computer, you’re the first person they talk to before heading to the Apple store. You probably have a very busy and serious real girl job and will eventually settle down with an equally tech savvy partner when you sell all your cryptocurrency. Here’s to your future robot children!

The Female Condom

Honestly girl, I have no idea what goes through your mind but God bless.

Should I Go To A Wedding With My Ex? Ask A Pro

Head Pro is happy to answer all your questions about life, love and condoms, if he doesn’t throw his computer into the ocean first. Fire up your Outlook machine to email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

I need some advice. There’s this guy that I’ve known for a while now. We run in the same very small and close group of friends. I see him basically everyday at my gym, where he works, and we all hang out every weekend. A couple weeks ago he started snapping me and texting me every night after work, but he’d pretty much completely ignore me at the gym, the most I could get out of him was a smile and a wave.

The smile was an improvement though, up until now he would completely avoid me whenever we were around each other. After a few weeks of this I was just kind of over it so through some flirty texts I told him he should ask me out sometime and he said that would be great and fun and we should go to dinner that Saturday.

Well that Saturday came around and I heard nothing from him about when and where we should go to dinner. So, I did what any self respecting betch would do and didn’t text him and went and hung out with my bff, which inevitably ended with us hanging at our other friends house where he also was, awkward! He never said anything about the date or apologized or tried to reschedule. So just when I wrote this guy off as a total jerk, who doesn’t deserve to be graced with my presence, our friends are getting food for dinner and he very loudly reminds them of my gluten allergy and tells them to get something different for me *swoon.*

What the hell am I suppose to do? Should I just ditch this guy? I know he likes me but he just seems too shy to do anything about it. And I know I can’t do anything else without coming off like completely desperate, which I am not!

Hugs,

Betch who’s losing the game

Woo, ok. It took me a while to stop laughing at this one, but: do yourself a favor and stop being so goddamned delusional. This guy doesn’t like you. “We should get dinner Saturday” is already pretty noncommittal, and doubly so when it’s in response to you awkwardly telling him to ask you out. He clearly had no intention of doing so. He sees you where he works, he knows all the same people and clearly knows how to contact you. And yet he didn’t. Because he doesn’t like you.

While remembering your fake gluten allergy is an undoubtedly swoon-worthy moment, you’ll have a much happier life if you stop reading into things that aren’t there. You are friends. He acts friendly towards you. This isn’t that hard. Wanting to believe something’s real when it isn’t doesn’t magically make it so. Trust me, I’ve been playing second base for the Washington Nationals in my head for years now, and I’ve inexplicably yet to receive an invite to spring training.

It’s not going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen.

Dear Head Pro,

Me and boyfriend have happily a year and 5 months we have always always had sex without a condom maybe the first 2we did used , but now since I’m in school and been really focused with my last year so I can graduate I have recently asked him for us to start using again , since I do not want any “accidents” so , I’m not sure if I took the right step on asking him the use condoms again, but his response was totally hum I don’t now maybe to supportive and Iam not sure if his being supportive because he has some-one on the side or because like he said “i want to be good with you and support  any decision and if that’s want you want I’m okay “

So right now I just want to know or have a different point of view of why he could be all this supportive when sometimes he really is that all supportive be like I said sometime he is and he is a great guy but something in side of me was like waiting for him to be like all upset and ask no to use it …

Dearly
-Nicky…

Sent from my iPhone

What

I’m like honestly offended by the stupidity of this question. Also, he’s definitely cheating on you. Only logical explanation.

Dear Head Pro,

Long story short my boyfriend and I just broke up as he cheated on me. At first he denied but then he fully came to admit his wrongdoing. It’s more of a he-said she-said situation as to what ACTUALLY happened, but from his story they just made out, it felt weird to him etc and he left. The girl denies everything & anything, but happened to tell her best friend that relayed the news to my roommate (so again it’s hard to know if his story is the truth)(also, they all work together, in finance of course). We were together two years, he’s 32 and I’m 24.

We’ve remained on really great terms since as he was/is my best friend and has openly voiced that he would do anything to get back together, loves me so, I’m the one etc etc blah blah blah. I’ve basically said we’re done until I figure out if I can believe/forgive/trust him again.

See the thing is now that his sister’s wedding is down south in about six weeks…. I was also supposed to be in said wedding, but because of these circumstances I’ve obviously bowed out. ANYWAYS, he still really wants me to come / so does his family and the only people who know we broke up are his immediate family members who, since he cheated on me, know it was his fault and that he fucked up majorly and are rooting for us.

Obviously going away together in the king suite we had booked, we are going to hook up, fight, and experience all the emotions, but ultimately it might help our relationship and worst case I’ll get a great tan. Anyways, I’m a little stuck as all my girlfriends despise his existence and I feel like they’re against this relationship (for good reason of course). Should I go down south with my ex & his family? Subquestion, is making out completely unforgivable and does this relationship deserve a second chance?

– I’ve asked way too many people about this so what’s one more.

Sent from Outlook

Wow, you’re really burying the lede here. Yeah, sure, I guess we can call making out cheating. Like, maybe it’s forgivable and maybe it isn’t, but it’s still on the no-no list. You’re pretty clearly grasping for any reason to forgive him because pretending things are back to normal (even though they’re not) is a lot easier than trying something new, but: do not go to that fucking wedding with him.

In no universe, real or imagined, will this ultimately “help” your relationship. It will ruin it irreparably. I’ve seen weddings ruin couples that weren’t in the process of reconciliation, so what chance do you think you have? It’s made even worse by the fact that this involves his family. There’s going to be so much pressure, and booze, and you’re going to get in a dumb fight and wind up fucking one of the groomsmen in an industrial kitchen. Then his entire family will go from half-assedly supporting you to hating your fucking guts, because you ruined his sister’s wedding.

Honestly, can we collectively make the choice to ignore our primitive impulses and cut it with the “forgiving people who cheat on us” shit? It’s a waste of time. No one’s that important to where, in the near or distant future, you won’t be happier with someone else and all but forget they existed. Like, you can go through the whole rigamarole of fighting and getting back together and (probably) ending up right where you are now, or you and your girlfriends can go do something cool like ride jet skis. I know what I’d do.

Who the fuck still uses outlook for their personal email?

Head Pro is happy to answer all your questions about life, love and condoms, if he doesn’t throw his computer into the ocean first. Fire up your Outlook machine to email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Fuckboys Can Now Buy A Fitness Tracker For Their Penis

If you thought your boyfriend got too obsessed with shit like fantasy football, March Madness, and falling asleep while watching golf on Sunday, you might not want to give him this new fitness tracker that will have him even more obsessed with the intricate functionings of his own penis. The i.Con Smart Condom is a Fitbit for a dick. Yes, this is real. Welcome to 2017, where doctors cannot pinpoint what precisely causes bacteria vaginosis—an infection more common than yeast infections—but we have dick fitness trackers. Cool. Thanks. Love it.

This smart condom answers those pressing questions guys face on a daily basis like:

What’s my thrust velocity? — You know what they say, it’s not the size that counts. It’s the thrust velocity. 
How fast are my thrusts? — Umm maybe just ask the person you’re with?
What’s my girth? — Ew, that word is disgusting. Plus, couldn’t you just figure this out with measuring tape?

Honey Boo Boo

UM, OKAY WHOEVER MADE THIS. The last thing I really want when trying to get it in is the guy hammering away at my vag to be preoccupied with keeping his numbers up. “A guy who pays attention to my G-spot is nice, but what I really what is someone who indiscriminately pounds away like he’s trying to break a world record for pelvic thrust speed,” said no woman ever. Another thing no woman has ever thought: “What’s really missing from my sex life is a more competitive attitude.”

Second of all, I don’t need a “smart” condom. I’ve seen the Matrix. I know what happens when machines get too smart. Do we really want this with our dick technology? I’ll keep my condoms dumb, thanks. Also, are we not going to even mention how this supposed “smart” condom doesn’t even zap your fuckboy of all his sperm so you can’t get pregnant? No? Okay.

The i.Con Questionably Intelligent Condom also allows men to compare their sexual abilities with their friends and men from around the planet, which is what I thought locker rooms were for. This takes the “who has a bigger dick” competition thing and turns it into a whole new rodeo. But like, if I wanted my man training for a marathon in the bedroom I’d buy a fucking treadmill. Would prefer to not actually be the treadmill, TBH. 

Taylor Swift treadmill

If you’re like me, you’re definitely wondering how the eff this thing even works. I think it’s just a ring-type thing that fits over a condom. Great, that sounds comfortable for everyone. So it’s basically like every time your Nuvaring fell out mid-smash and you had to peel it off your guy’s ween. Only, this time, he put a weird ring on his dick on purpose.

The thought that instead of getting an unwarranted dick pic in your DMs, you might now get unwarranted sex stats is unsettling to say the least. But, hey, at least you would get to know what you were signing up for beforehand. 

“Hey dude, you seem nice and all, but your girth to thrust speed ratio is all over the place. I’ll hit you up in a month or so if I notice your stats change.” 

Read: What Kind Of Fuckboy Should You Date Based On Your Horoscope?