Guys, who is working in Peloton’s marketing department? Because they just put out one of the most confusing and awful Christmas ads of all time. And I’m not just saying it’s bad because I ate pie for breakfast for the past four days and I’m feeling personally attacked right now. Even all the sane people on Twitter agree. They’ve been roasting it for days. Are you wondering what I’m talking about? Here’s the ad, in all its glory, so watch it and then we’ll chat.
Okay. So. Before we even get to the content of the ad, let me point out that Peloton has turned off the comments on the ad, most likely because they were getting majorly trolled. This commercial isn’t outright offensive like Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi fiasco (good memories!), but it’s never a good sign when you have to disable the comments.
So, let’s start from the beginning. Sir, maybe your beautiful and skinny wife wants a Peloton bike. Great! Exercise is important! Exercise as a Christmas gift from YOU, however, kind of implies you think she needs to exercise. Which means you think she needs to lose weight. Which is rude. Last year at my office white elephant party, one of the men chose a smart scale because he said his wife “really wanted one.” I have not seen him since. So, gentlemen, the moral of the story is that you should stick with jewelry for Christmas! And then maybe get the Peloton as a fun family gift in January.
Nothing says “maybe you should lose a few pounds” like gifting your already rail thin life partner a Peloton pic.twitter.com/E2M9gFdD5A
— Siraj Hashmi (@SirajAHashmi) December 2, 2019
Before her first ride, our heroine says that she’s “a little nervous.” Bitch, why? You’re a fit woman riding a stationary bike in the comfort of your own home. This isn’t a SoulCycle class where the instructor is going to yell at you if you need to take a 30-second break. You’re not like, riding a bike on the side of the highway. There is nothing to be nervous about, sweetie! Let’s also talk about how she asks if he’s surprised she’s worked out five days in a row, because she sure is! Like, what? Woman, have you looked at yourself? Of course you worked out five days in a row! I’m sure you worked out five days in a row before you got this bike. If you didn’t, you most certainly sold your soul to the devil, and I’d like a map to where I can find him please. (Seriously, DM me).
Our Peloton rider also mentions that she didn’t realize how much she would be changed by this. Changed how? There is no further explanation. She looks exactly the same. Well, she actually looks slightly sadder because she has spent an entire year biking and biking and biking and she has traveled nowhere but her living room. Can you imagine anything more depressing? Also, she has been recording herself on the bike all year, and I can’t figure out why. Is it like the rule that you aren’t allowed to run a marathon if you don’t constantly post about running that marathon? Oh, that’s not a rule? Can one of you alert my Facebook friends from high school, please? At the end of the commercial, she makes her husband sit down and watch a year’s worth of those videos. Ohhhh, so this was a punishment. Seems fair.
The face you make when your day requires videoing your workout, keeping floor to ceiling windows spotless, and hoping your kid doesn’t spill anything on the white furniture #peloton pic.twitter.com/4xe2YvcMUF
— Katie Kohler (@kkohler1129) December 3, 2019
So what is this ad supposed to accomplish? Is it supposed to make me want a Peloton? Because I think it fails to do that. Having someone shout out my name and location to strangers is my actual nightmare. However, the commercial does make me want a new phone, because I threw mine into a wall after watching this. So maybe it’s secretly an Apple ad? If they wanted to get people talking, they certainly accomplished that. There are so many thoughts about this on Twitter, but I think I found the one that really captures the truth of the matter:
When is Peloton going to make an honest commercial and demonstrate how much laundry it can hold?
— Todd0x1 (@todd0x1) December 2, 2019
Or as my former roommate and I like to call it, a chairdrobe. Patent pending.
Did this commercial make you more likely to buy a Peloton? Or maybe just more likely to roll your eyes so hard that they get stuck? Well, welcome to Christmas ad season, folks! December has just begun, and this is surely the first of many holiday commercials that will be getting roasted along with the chestnuts.
Images: Shutterstock; Peloton / YouTube; Fake_KDKA, sirajahashmi, samuelmoen, kkohler1129, todd0x1/ Twitter
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you made it through another Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year when it’s basically a requirement that you sit down and watch sports. Even though your mind was probably on Kylie Jenner having her baby, you still had to like, be in the room while football was happening. But everyone really only watches the Super Bowl for three things: delicious junk food, the half time show, and the commercials. We can’t physically send you food through your computer screen, and we’re kind of sick of talking about Justin Timberlake, but let’s talk shit about commercials.
This year, a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost about $5 million, so all these companies better fucking hope they didn’t waste their coins on a lame commercial. Really, there are probably like six ad teams around the country just waiting to be fired today once their boss sees that their commercial flopped. We’re looking at you, Dodge commercial that tried to use a Martin Luther King speech to sell trucks. Come on guys, not a good look. So while you were busy shoving your face with seven-layer dip and escaping to the bathroom with your girlfriends, we came up with our ranking of the best Super Bowl commercials this year. And yeah, we probably missed some, it’s really not that serious.
10. Michelob Ultra
Chris Pratt is funny and adorable and also very hot when shirtless, and he brings a lot to the table in this commercial. We’re not sure who actually drinks Michelob Ultra, but nevertheless Chris is very excited about it.
I can barely get the wifi in my apartment to work, so I’m a little pissed that Keanu Reeves is apparently able to seamlessly build a website in the middle of the desert, but otherwise this is amazing. Am I like, turned on by Keanu Reeves?
While teenagers are busy eating Tide pods, the actual people who work there were hard at work making this epic commercial. Stranger Things star David Harbour makes the case that every ad is a Tide ad, and we kind of almost believe him by the end. It’s a Tide ad.
7. Winter Olympics
While we’re a little disappointed that we haven’t moved past the un-ironic use of “Girl on Fire,” we fucking love the Olympics. This series of ads highlights some of the top Team USA athletes, so you’ll know who to pay attention to.
6. Jack in the Box
I’ve never eaten at Jack in the Box, but when someone says the words “Martha Stewart feud” I usually appear within 10 seconds. Martha and Jack have some serious beef (or chicken, I guess) over their new sandwich, and when she takes off her earrings, you know it’s serious.
Was being in this commercial the Giants’ punishment for having one of the worst seasons ever? That’s unclear, and it’s also unclear why the NFL needs a commercial while 100 million people are *currently* watching an NFL game, but we’re here for the dancing.
Tiffany Haddish is a national treasure and she must be protected at all costs. Tiffany dismisses the haters that say using Groupon makes her cheap, because who has time for that kind of negativity? We need to go to a spa with her ASAP.
Pepsi flawlessly rebounds from last year’s Kendall Jenner fiasco with a nod to its historic commercials throughout the years. We see Cindy Crawford, Michael Jackson, and our lord and savior Britney Spears, and it’s all narrated by Jimmy Fallon. Four for you Pepsi, you go Pepsi.
2. Amazon Alexa
If Amazon is going to take over the world, please let it be like this. In this ad, Alexa loses her voice and is replaced by a bunch of celebrities, including Cardi B and Rebel Wilson. Fuck country music, you’re listening to “Bodak Yellow” tonight.
1. Doritos & Mountain Dew
Add this to the list of things we never knew we needed. Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage engage in a rap battle and we are literally screaming the whole time. If you spent all of ninth grade trying to memorize the Busta Rhymes verse in “Look At Me Now,” prepare to be jealous because Peter Dinklage still knows the whole thing. Brb watching this on repeat for the next seven hours.
Last night, in the midst of the Jax cheating on Brittany drama, something equally scandalous happened: a very strange commercial starring Tom Sandoval, James, Scheana, and Kristen and the cast of Pitch Perfect 3. The commercial was called “The 12 Days Of Pitchmas,” and it was a hot mess. I told a loyal IG follower I would dissect it in the recap, but honestly I forgot, so here is an entire dedicated article to this weird-ass commercial instead.
Okay, so first of all, I was not aware that a Pitch Perfect 3 was happening, and honestly I’m kind of annoyed about it. I never saw the first Pitch Perfect, but I can accept that it was probably a funny movie. But funny enough to have two more sequels? I doubt it, especially given that they couldn’t get Rebel Wilson, Brittany Snow or Anna Kendrick to even appear in this commercial. Besides, how deep do you think the world of a cappella really goes? I’d venture about as deep as any of the cast of Vanderpump Rules’ emotional depth. Hm, maybe that was why they matched up for the ad in the first place?
So basically this commercial is like, a hip-hop remake of “The 12 Days Of Christmas”, to give you an idea of how much to prepare your facial muscles to cringe. The link between Vanderpump Rules, Pitch Perfect, and Christmas is extremely tenuous, and it took me about three more views to even realize what was being advertised (one of my friends thought it was an ad for Revlon). Some of my favorite moments from this clusterfuck include:
-Tom Sandoval’s heavy autotune.
-Kristen attempting to snap with attitude like this is 2004.
-Scheana scream-singing “five non-engagement rings” with a level of anger that is definitely misplaced, coming from the person who ended her own marriage. She’s also rocking some very Scheana season 1 hair extensions and just looks generally possessed.
It’s all topped off by some very cringeworthy dancing where it looks like Kristen, Scheana, Tom, and James are trying to do the dance from Lil Jon’s “Snap Yo Fingers.” It’s bad. James is hands down the best one in the whole commercial, which says a lot. But don’t just take my word for it—watch the whole commercial below before it gets taken down when everyone involved realizes how terrible this turned out.
For more VPR shade, check out the latest recap.