Sometimes, a news story gets so big and so scandalous, that even those of us who don’t pay attention to the news are like, required to know about it. If you’ve even glanced at Twitter in the past 48 hours, you’re probably well aware of the fact that President Cheeto Dust fired FBI Director/Guy Who Says “Lordy” And Cost Hillary The Election James Comey late Tuesday night. It was a move that made many people say “hmm..” and “wha?” and “wtf?” especially when you consider that three of the people Trump has fired as president, Sally Yates, Preet Bharara, and now James Comey, were all actively investigating his ties to Russia at the time of his firing. A fourth person Trump fired was Michael Flynn, who like, was literally working for the Russians.
Basically this whole situation is like a fuckboy with a wedding ring buying you drinks at the bar: shady AF.
But like, how did we get here? And more importantly, how can we make the destruction of our democracy more palatable, perhaps with gifs from a beloved Obama-era television show? I give you, a timeline of all this Comey bullshit, explained by Parks and Rec. You’ll thank us this weekend when your hot step brother’s shitty beatnik girlfriend is trying to talk about this in the car and you can be like, “Umm well I think I remember Betches accurately and Comey didn’t say that. That Sessions guy did.”
July 5, 2016 – Obama is president, Hillary is up in the polls, and James Comey says the FBI will not recommend criminal charges against Hillary Clinton for her use of a private email server. Democrats are like:
July 7, 2016 – Comey gets grilled for five hours by the House GOP for not bringing charges against Clinton. They’re like:
October 3, 2016 – Law enforcement officials seize a laptop, phone, and tablet belonging to King Fuckboy Anthony Weiner, who was under investigation for sending dick pics to a teenager. AGAIN.
Law enforcement officials also discover the laptop contained emails from between HRC and her BFF Huma Abedin, who is married to Anthony Weiner for reasons literally no one can understand. Huma, if you’re reading this (and you are), you don’t need that clown because:
October 28 (A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY), 2016 – Comey sends letter to congressional leaders saying that they are re-opening the Clinton email investigation. All hell breaks loose.
Trump supporters are like:
Clinton supporters are like:
And Comey is like:
October 31, 2016 – Trump praises Comey, saying, “It took a lot of guts. I really disagreed with him. I was not his fan. But I’ll tell you, what he did, he brought back his reputation,” and unofficially inducts Comey into his friend group.
November 6th, 2016 – Comey writes a new letter saying that they actually didn’t find anything new in the laptop, and would still not be bringing charges against Clinton. The election is in two days, everybody is fucking over it, and voters are like:
November 8th, 2016 – Donald Trump is elected President of The United States, with 46% of the vote and 53.5% voter turnout. It’s not a great day.
January 18, 2017 – Trump tells Comey he wants to keep him as FBI director.
March 4, 2017 – Trump tweets that Obama wiretapped him, mostly because Trump loves making shit up.
March 20, 2017 – Comey confirms that the FBI is investigating any links between the Trump election campaign and Russia, and says that Trump’s wiretapping claims are bullshit. Trump is watching this like:
May 3, 2017 – Comey testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee about his decision to re-announce the reopening of the investigation of Clinton and her emails. He says the word “Lordy” like 50 times and claims it makes him “mildly nauseous” to think he influenced the outcome of the election. Nobody is having any of it.
In this hearing, Comey also claims that Huma Abedin forwarded “hundreds of thousands of emails” which is like, a lot of fucking emails. This turns out not to be true.
May 8, 2017 – Former acting Attorney General Sally Yates testifies in front of the Senate about what she knows about the Trump/Russia connection.
This whole time, Trump is on Twitter like:
May 9, daytime, 2017 – Trump requests a meeting with Attorney General/Racist Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions, and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and is like, “write me a good-ass letter about why we should fire Comey. Make it snappy. BTW we’re gonna say it was your idea.”
May 9, nighttime, 2017 – Comey gets fucking fired. People who love democracy/those of us who have been watching The Handmaid’s Tale are like:
May 10, 2017 – The Washington Post reports that just before being fired, Comey asked the Justice Department (led by Sessions) for more money to fund the Russia investigation.
May 11, 2017 – Today is May 11th. I can’t possible know what’s going to happen today.
So yeah, like I said, this whole situation is shadier than your cousin’s best friend’s molly connection, but don’t you worry. We’re going to be keeping a casual eye on this while thing via our newsletter, The ‘Sup, and will honestly probably solve the entire thing any day now.