Well, Bachelor fam, the end is in sight. And by “end” I mean the fence jumping scene obviously. This week is my favorite week of every season: Hometowns. Hometowns is always a fun episode, because we get to meet the women’s families and learn a little bit more about their daddy issues background. Plus there’s always at least one woman a season who introduces her less attractive sister who clearly could have been her if her face wasn’t paid for by modern science. Lest we forget Becca’s sister from last season, whose hair grew three inches every time a man lied about being in love with her sister. See? Fun!!

Surprise, surprise. ABC decides to start off an episode that’s meant to be about connecting with family and taking relationships to a deeper level with a close up of Colton’s wet, naked body. At least they’re playing to his strengths. That was a cheap shot, ABC, but I see why you had to do it.

Colton’s talking about what a struggle his journey has been as a white, conventionally attractive man who happens to be a virgin. The horror. He casually throws out Becca’s name and it’s literally the first time he’s mentioned her this entire season. Lol. I forgot he even dated her? How nice of him to start pretending for us he was ever into her.

CAELYNN’S HOMETOWN

Moving on. First up is Caelynn’s hometown, and Colton travels to Virginia to meet up with her, which is confusing because for the last 8 weeks anytime anyone has accidentally breathed in her direction she’s humble bragged about being Miss North Carolina. Do we think Caelynn wears her “Miss North Carolina” sash around Virginia or do you think she’s embarrassed because she could never win in Virginia and had to move to a different state to do so?

Colton spends approximately three seconds around Caelynn’s family before they’re already visibly disgusted by him. Imagine how you’d feel if you watched him for eight weeks, John!!

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Cheers to starting hometowns off right! ? #TheBachelor

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Caelynn’s sister pulls her aside for some “girl talk,” which is just a thinly veiled pep talk about how Caelynn needs to keep her head in the game and dump his ass so she can become the next Bachelorette. Honestly, I can’t even concentrate on what the sister is even saying because MY GOD what is happening on her eyeballs rn? Like, does she have a lazy eye? Is she just terribly bad at applying false eyelashes? Is she maybe a drunk? IS IT ALL THREE??

Okay, why is Caelynn’s family acting like Colton is America’s bad boy? Like, he’s about as threatening as a neutered golden retriever. The only person who is talking any sense here is John, Caelynn’s STEPdad, not her biological dad, who she has nothing to do with unless it helps her backstory to go farther in this franchise.

JOHN: Let me just ask you though, do you feel like he might be gay?

HAHA. SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, JOHN.

Lol. John is amazing. He’s like “why can’t you just be friends tho?” and it’s it’s like, give it some time sweetie. Caelynn’s got about one more week left on this show and then she’ll be singing his praises about what a good guy he is and how she’s just ready to find love herself.

John sits down with Colton next. This should be good. Wait is Colton already asking for her hand in marriage? Why is he making this so weird?

COLTON: I don’t think I love your daughter at all but IF I have to bite the bullet in two weeks do I have your blessing to get married?

Christ, Colton. At least PRETEND like you’re not this close to dumping her! Come on. Have some tact.

Also the look on John’s face at the thought of his daughter being won over by the human equivalent of Humpty Dumpty is f*cking priceless. The date ends with Caelynn telling Colton she’s falling for him and Colton saying it back with about as much enthusiasm as someone who had to be prompted with a cue card that said “SAY IT BACK” (which is absolutely what I assume happened here).

HANNAH’S HOMETOWN:

Next up is Hannah’s hometown, so Colton heads down to Alabama. WAIT. Both Hannahs this season are from Alabama? Can you imagine if the other Hannah had made it to Hometowns and not only were they battling it out for a spot in the Fantasy Suite but also to see who was the better Alabama Hannah? What a missed opportunity, ABC!

For their date, Hannah makes Colton go to an etiquette class so he can learn how to be a Southern gentlemen. Lol k. Like, last time he and Hannah were together he slapped her ass on national television and vigorously rubbed himself on her behind a bush. I think we’re wayyyy past that, Han.

MISS SUE: Don’t worry, just be yourself! Except not the self who just buttered that biscuit like an uncivilized circus animal.
ALSO MISS SUE AND COLTON:

Hannah’s like “that was such a fun day!” meanwhile, Colton looks like he just lived through Vietnam. I can’t wait to see how his newly defeated state of mind plays out when he meets the parents!

Okay, why does Hannah’s mom look like one of Melissa McCarthy’s aliases in Spy? And her Aunt looks like a poor man’s Kate Gosselin? Like, what am I looking at here?? 

I love how Hannah’s parents disapprove of her dating a man on national television who is also dating 25 other women, but they approve of her budding career as an Instagram thirst trap. Like, your daughter has 600,000+ followers on Instagram, fake dating a man for publicity is probably the least this girl will do for an Instagram partnership.

HANNAH G: I’m just really falling for Colton you know?
HANNAH G’S MOM:

YOU GUYS I LITERALLY CAN’T UNSEE IT.

Colton says he’s falling for her, and she says it back with about as much emotion as someone with vacant doll eyes can possibly have. That said, I do think she’ll make it to next week. Hannah, you’re one lucky girl! Here’s hoping he lasts longer than the obligatory handjob she feels like she has to give him. 

TAYSHIA’S HOMETOWN

Colton meets Tayshia in her hometown and she immediately pulls out a red blindfold and gets Colton into the position. Uh oh, Colton. You better watch out or you might be losing your v-card in Tayshia’s red room of pain.

HAHA. Okay, so Tayshia isn’t surprising him with something kinky, instead they’re just going skydiving. Colton, however, looks like he would have rather had a spanking then be forced to jump out of a moving plane.

COLTON: I guess I really shouldn’t have made her bungee jump that one time…
ALSO COLTON: *blubbering* but I don’t want to die a virgin!!

Y’ALL. THAT SCREAM. That was the least attractive thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I hope Tayshia gets cut this week because idk how she’s going to be able to take that scream in the bedroom.

Moving on. We get ready for Colton to meet Tayshia’s family for the first time and her dad is like “Colton is gonna have to be a superstar.” Yeah, you might want to lower that bar, sir. Like, to the floor.

Colton walks in and he is VERY confident for a man who just screamed like a girl on national television. He’s like “I feel like I can do anything now that I didn’t wet myself jumping from that plane like I thought I would.”

Okay, is Colton just going to repeat the exact same speech to every father? Like, he’s not even subbing in any individualized details for each girl. Meanwhile, Tayshia’s dad is practically begging Colton to dump her. He’s like “she’s been divorced once already, please don’t make me pay for another one.”

OMG. He just told Colton he doesn’t have his permission to marry his daughter! I have so much respect for this dude now. THANK YOU for not negotiating with these terrorists ABC and giving into their demands that he not hate Colton’s guts.

TAYSHIA’S DAD: You can’t just microwave a relationship.

COLTON:

Okay, I’m rescinding my earlier respect comment because Tayshia’s dad just CAVED and gave Colton his blessing. He’s like “I feel content to say yes to Colton” and it’s the most lukewarm response I’ve ever heard, and I’m wondering how they managed to keep the gun the producer is holding to his head off camera.

CASSIE’S HOMETOWN

Last up is Cassie’s hometown. If you’ll recall, last week Cassie was almost sent home when she was called out for being too immature and not ready for marriage, but then didn’t because Colton decided that he didn’t care so long as he got laid. I paraphrase.

Cassie takes Colton surfing for their date because apparently it’s her “favorite thing to do.” I’m sure she also loves grabbing a beer with the guys and watching the big game because she just “gets along better with guys.” Mmkay, Cassie.

Okay, how much do we think Colton is going to emasculate himself trying to surf? Oh, as much as possible I guess. He’s flopping around all over the place and it’s like, I thought you were a professional athlete? Where is that athleticism that had you riding the bench for one season? Hmm?

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Feeling the love in the California sunshine ☀️ #TheBachelor @coltonunderwood

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Colton takes a break from humiliating himself in the waves to ask her if she sees a future with him and she’s like “uhhhhh.” Okay is this not EXACTLY what Kirpa and Tayshia tried to say last episode?? Like, Cassie and Colton might have the most chemistry I’ve seen all season (besides that hug between Colton and Ben last week which was positively sizzling), but Cassie is not here to get married. She’s here for Instagram likes and possibly her own spinoff.

Cut to Colton meeting the family and they are…very blonde. Is it just me or does her family look like they’re their own cult?

Also, I love that all the families meet Colton and then immediately tell the girl not to settle. It’s like they were all for them being on The Bachelor until they actually met the Bachelor and realized he has the desirability of a wet sock. At least Colton didn’t open with “did you know that in our past lives we were siblings!!”

Okay, I’m low-key appalled by Cassie’s behavior during this date. Her parents try and voice their concerns to her and she’s acting like me when my mom tried to tell me it was inappropriate to walk around in public wearing a shirt that said “my eyes are up here” at aged 14.

CASSIE’S DAD: You’re only 23 and marriage is a big commitment.
CASSIE: 

Yeah, she seems ready to be spiritually and legally bound to someone for the rest of her natural-born life.

Cassie doesn’t tell Colton she’s falling for him AND her father flat out refuses to give his blessing. Normally, this is the kiss of death for most girls who get this far, but I have a feeling Colton would go on strike and refuse to do another shower scene if Cassie didn’t at least make it to the Fantasy Suite.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Going into the rose ceremony, I feel like I already know who’s going home. but sure ABC, why not continue to waste our time. As much as Cassie should go home because it’s so clear that she’s only on this show for Instagram likes, I feel like Colton is going to follow his heart dick and keep her around for another week.

Annnnd Caelynn goes home, where I’m sure she will continue to campaign for her spot as the next Bachelorette from afar. To be fair, she knew it was over the second he picked Tayshia and it was down to just her and Cassie.

Meanwhile, Cassie looks more emotional about Caelynn leaving than she has anytime Colton has ever professed his feelings for her. WAIT. Did Caelynn just whisper “get engaged” as her parting words to Cassie?? Y’all, I feel like these two have some shady hidden agenda happening on the side, and those last words to Cassie are only confirming this for me. 

Well, betches, that’s a wrap for this week! And if you thought watching Colton ask for four hands in marriage wasn’t torture enough, next week we get to listen to him moan behind closed doors on Monday, and see what cosmetic enhancements the women have gotten since they gained 500,000 instagram followers at the Tell All on Tuesday. See you there!

Images: Giphy (5); @bachelorabc /Instagram (2); ABC (2)

Welcome back Bachelor fans to another week where Colton didn’t jump the fence because that is definitely all I’m watching for at this point. Look, I appreciate that ABC is just trying to build some tension in what would otherwise be a very blonde boring season of The Bachelor, but I’ve had a day, and was really hoping to watch someone emotionally self-destruct for my viewing pleasure. Is that too much to ask for?? Sighs. Moving on.

This week the crew is headed to Colton’s hometown of Denver, and we know this because Colton talked about it when he recorded another sad, handwritten entry of his vlog. Seriously, what is with the home movie stuff here? ABC spends a disgusting amount of money on production every season and I feel like half of this season has been recorded on Colton’s iPhone.

Colton is still at an emotional crossroads over the truth bomb Katie left him with at the last rose ceremony. If you’ll recall last week, not one, not two, but THREE WOMEN told Colton he’s basically screwing himself with the women he has left on his season.

COLTON: *chooses only hot blondes whose combined age is second semester college senior*
ALSO COLTON: Why is this happening to me?
ME:

It’s a mystery, Colton!

Cassie’s like “last week someone told Colton that there were girls here who aren’t ready to be married, which is so false.” Says the girl who is currently wearing a top from Forever21. Please. Spare me your lecture, honey.

Meanwhile, Colton spends some time getting advice from a person who also went through the Bachelor process and came out on top single and alone: Ben Higgins. Ah, now I see where the budget went for this season, bringing back this reject. First of all, WHY is Colton even getting advice from Ben? It’s not like Ben even has a successful Bachelor story! Second of all, why do I feel like Colton is about to ask him how long he’s supposed to leave it in at the fantasy suite?

TAYSHIA’S DATE

This week there’s going to be three one-on-one dates and a group date. Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date because she is not blonde and is old enough to legally rent a car, so I guess Colton wants to at least pretend like he’s considering her for our sake. It’s cute that he still thinks we give a sh*t.

Lol. Okay, who else thinks Colton rented out that dog for their date? I’m pretty sure Sniper was a yellow lab when Becca went home with him last season. Colton, that dog is an imposter!

For their date, Colton wants to show Tayshia all that Denver has to offer, which is apparently an ice cream shop and the food court at the mall. Seriously, where is this heart-to-heart they’re having taking place? In between the Dippin’ Dots and the Sbarro Pizza?

Cut to the house, where Cassie and Caelynn are freaking tf out over Tayshia’s date. They think she’s going to throw them under the bus for not being here for the “right reasons”, which is absolutely what she does. Tayshia tells Colton that Cassie and Caelynn are only there because they want to be the next Bachelorette. You mean to say that the adult woman who still competes in pageants and the girl who’s already been on one reality tv show before coming on this one might only be in it for the Instagram partnerships?!

Tayshia starts telling Colton a little about her family, and it’s clear that her dad is 100% going to despise Colton if they meet next week. She’s like “it might be tough at first” and it’s like, Tayshia, Colton was scared of Tia a 5’3 former Miss Weiner, Arkansas, you really think he’s going to make it out of that meet and greet without sh*tting his pants? I don’t think so. 

COLTON:

I just vomited in my mouth a little. But I guess Tayshia is into it because he gives her the rose, which is good for me because I’m looking forward to watching Colton wet himself when he meets Tayshia’s dad next week. Should be a good time!

CAELYNN’S DATE

Caelynn also gets some alone time with Colton this week. For their date, he takes her skiing. FYI, Colton, skiing is actually something Denver has to offer unlike that tour of Auntie Anne’s you took Tayshia on. Bravo, you’re learning.

I will say Caelynn looks amazing in her ski gear. If someone asked me to show up on national television wearing six layers of clothes I would look less like a snow bunny and more like that girl who turned into a blueberry at Willy Wonka’s factory.

Colton mentions Tayshia’s concerns to Caelynn and it’s like how FUNNY that he’s having this talk with a girl who supposedly said she wants to be the next Bachelorette when she is COINCIDENTALLY the frontrunner to be the next Bachelorette. Lol. The look on Caelynn’s face rn is all but screaming “did you talk to my producer about that because I thought those conversations were private.”

Honestly, she’s just mad because she needs to at least make it to hometowns to be considered for Bachelorette, and Tayshia is really jeopardizing that for her. I see right through you, girlfriend.

Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton is like “I need more from her this week” as if her baring her personal trauma two weeks ago isn’t enough for him. Like, what more do you want this girl to share with you??

CAELYNN: I’ve shed so many tears over you
COLTON: You shed tears for me?

Why do I feel like he’s going to go home and beat one out to that statement?

Colton gives Caelynn a rose, so she’ll be going to hometowns as well. He thinks that she’s ready to get engaged because she said it and with a straight face and everything. Oh, Colton. You stupid f*cking oaf. You deserve the girlfriend who’s contractually obligated to stay with you for 2-3 months you’ll get at the end of this.

Back at the house, Caelynn tells Cassie about the Tayshia backstab and Cassie looks piiiissed. How DARE Tayshia try and sabotage your Sugar Bear Hair deal, and when you’ve let Colton feel you up for the last three episodes and everything!

CASSIE: Are my words going to be twisted too??

If by “twisted” you mean “taken verbatim from your mouth,” then you f*cking bet they are, Cassie!  

ALABAMA HANNAH’S DATE

Alabama Hannah gets the next one-on-one date and Colton picks her up in a $90k car?! HE’S SO GENUINE YOU GUYS. So down to earth and chill.

I guess Colton ran out of fun Denver things for Hannah to do because he just takes her to his house. Hannah looks so excited about meeting his parents but I sort of feel like this is the kiss of death for her. It’s never good if they meet the parents before the final two.

Okay Colton and his dad look exactly alike except his dad actually looks masculine. Honestly, Mr. Underwood, you can call me!

Also, I love that he’s getting advice on how to have a successful marriage from a guy who’s been divorced. I can’t wait to see how this advice works out for you, Colton!

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Alabama Hannah shows up dressed like the South has risen again. Like, what is she wearing?! It’s like she recycled her slutty Scarlett O’Hara costume from college for this date.

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Hannah Brown | The Bachelor | Season 23 Episode 7 — •Rachel Zoe Dress – $595.00 •Several Similar Items Under $50 Listed on TheStyleSpotter.com — Purchase Link, Info & Similar Items: TheStyleSpotter.com ? (Link in bio!) • • • • #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelorette #thebachelorette #beccakufrin #louisvuitton #nordstrom #liketoknowit #fashionblog #shopstyle #fashionblogger #taylorswift #selenagomez #arianagrande #celebrity #celebritystyle #tv #bachelornation #coltonunderwood #willyouacceptthisrose #rose #roseceremony #bachelorabc #bachelorwatchparty #rachelzoe

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OMG. IS HE SENDING HER HOME?? I don’t get Colton. Hannah is legit the only girl to admit she has any feelings for him other than mild attraction and so he sends her home?? Honestly, I’m done with you, Colton.

THE GROUP DATE

The last group date of 2019 is here and it is tense. Cassie, Hannah G, Kirpa, and Josie Grossy are all fighting for the last two hometown spots. Colton decides that there’s no better way to break the tension than by taking the girls to tweetsie railroad! It’s funny that’s the exact same ploy I used when the two girls I used to babysit would fight, but okay.

Okay, how many times is Colton going to get dumped this season? Josie Grossy sends herself home and this is just so the opposite of The Bachelor. So, what? They’re all just gonna dump him and he’s stuck with whoever is left at the end? Like, is this The Bachelor or a week of me going on Hinge dates?

Colton confronts Cassie about the commitment rumors and she can barely string together a coherent sentence to defend herself. She’s like “there’s no truth to those rumors except don’t check the dailies, k?”

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Mood going into tonight knowing I’m contractually obligated to stay silent ?

A post shared by Cassie Randolph (@cassierandolph) on Feb 18, 2019 at 3:18pm PST

I will say she’s saying all the right things, not that it’s going to take much to convince Colton to keep her. She’s like “I wouldn’t bring you home if I didn’t feel this was real” which is basically code for “my sister is trying to be an actress and you coming into my house would really go a long way to getting her a SAG card.”

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton immediately decides that Hannah G looks amazing and apparently that’s enough for him to want to meet her family. He gives her a rose. Okay, is it just me or does Hannah G just embody the idea of “sit still look pretty.” Like I cannot believe this girl has made it all the way to hometowns when she has shown zero personality, barely spoken any words, and gotten involved in no drama. I’m astounded.

Okay WHAT. Is Caelynn seriously going to CRASH their date rn and help out her competition? This right here is why you placed but didn’t win at Miss America, Caelynn!!

Caelynn gives a very vague speech about following your heart and it’s exactly the excuse Colton was looking for to send Kirpa home without looking like a piece of sh*t, so he does.

He’s like “before this week I just wasn’t sure who was here for me and who was here for Instagram but now I just don’t care!” At least you’re being honest with yourself, Colton.

And that’s a wrap for this week, kids! ABC didn’t even attempt to tease the fence jumping scene for next week’s episode which means we have at least two more weeks until someone has an emotional breakdown on our screens and I’m not pleased AT ALL. But then again, what else is new?

Images: Giphy (4); @cassierandolph /Instagram (1); @the_style_spotter /Instagram (1); ABC (2)

Welcome back, Bachelor fam! Before I dive into this week’s recap, just know that I read the comments from last week and I will be addressing them. For those of you who insinuated that perhaps I wrote the last recap late night and/or drunk, I would just like to say that in my defense, the show does end at 10pm so when else would I write the recap, and I absolutely was drunk. There’s just something about watching Colton and his sweaty hands for 120 minutes every Monday evening that makes me want to take a bottle rosé to the face. I’m not apologizing for that. Now, moving on to the recap.

If you’ll recall, when last we left off Onyeka and Nicole were in the middle of World War III, despite the fact that their entire reason for being in each other’s lives was sitting right next to them. Colton’s expression throughout that fight was the same look my dad used to wear when he was trying to reason with me and my sister during a fight over who stole whose Delia’s top and had the audacity to wear it on school picture day (she did). Colton stormed off in a fit of rage (not unlike my dad) to go cry on a sand dune about how some of the women—GASP—might actually be there for fame and not love.

Which brings us to this week’s episode: I love that Onyeka is not in the least bit bothered that Colton is pissed. In fact, she takes the fight one step further by bringing it to the rest of the girls’ attention. She’s like “raise your hand if you ever been personally victimized by me? RAISE YOUR GODDAMN HAND.”

Yeah, that’s not terrifying at all. I definitely didn’t just wet myself a little.

The Rose Ceremony

So I guess that brings us to the rose ceremony, though I thought we left off on a group date? I’m so confused. Did we really leave off during a rose ceremony last week? Am I wrong? Am I hallucinating? Do I care?

Colton starts the ceremony off by declaring that tonight has been hard on him because he was not the center of attention for five f*cking minutes. Honestly, I understand his plight. My birthday was literally three weeks ago and people are acting like it’s okay to not shower me with constant praise and affection? Like, my astro sign is still in orbit. Don’t be f*cking rude.

Final Rose Count: Onyeka and Nicole both get sent home. In other news, the sky is blue.

Did we really think anyone else was getting sent home? As Demi puts it: “they dug their own graves.” I just love that Onyeka could care less about being eliminated. She’s like “rejection doesn’t feel great but it feels better knowing I will absolutely be on Paradise!” Yes, nothing dulls the pain of getting dumped on national television like tequila shots and producer-manipulated love triangles.

The One-On-One Date

Hannah G gets the first one-on-one date this week, and I was wondering when Colton was going to remember she existed. She got the first impression rose night one, but since then we haven’t seen much of her. You know, aside from Colton using their “one-on-one time” at rose ceremonies to find the nearest bed, couch, or pool chair on which to aggressively make out with her.

We’re only a few minutes into their date and I already have a feeling it’s going to be a snoozefest. Hannah G may be beautiful, but she has the personality of sugar-free gum.

COLTON: What do I love about Hannah G? She has blue eyes and she smiles.

YOU’RE LITERALLY DESCRIBING HALF THE GIRLS ON THIS SHOW AND MY MOM’S LABRADOR RETRIEVER. What is your point!

Colton keeps talking about how “insane” their connection is. Cut to a montage of Colton and Hannah G dry humping on every surface in that spa.

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Caption this. ? #TheBachelor

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You guys, Colton is not mature enough for a real relationship, let alone marriage. He is such a horn dog! Every girl he likes, he likes because they let him grind on them to completion. Seriously. Has Hannah said one thing this entire date other than “is this your gum because I just found it in the back of my throat?” And this is an actual contender to be his future wife??

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. I guess Hannah G is feeling insecure about the fact that their relationship is about as deep as mine with that guy that texts me “u up” twice a year because she suddenly finds a sob story to talk about. She says that she’s a child of divorce and it’s like, what’s your point? Look, I’m not trying to say that her experience wasn’t traumatic, but literally half the population has divorced parents. That doesn’t make you original, it just makes you average.

Hannah G gets the date rose and secures herself a spot in Colton’s heart for at least another week. I guess that hand job on the massage table was worth it.

The Group Date

The group date is up next, and multiple women are upset that they’re on yet another group date. Sydney, Demi, and Katie were all hoping for the coveted one-on-one date, but it was instead given to Kirpa, aka the girl with the Band-Aid on her face. Honestly, the Band-Aid is suspicious. I would not be surprised if she hurt herself on Bachelor property, threatened to sue, and then leveraged her way into a one-on-one date. That feels like the only reasonable explanation for this randomness.

Ugh. I hate when there’s a date card description with the words “fighting” and “strong” and the women show up in their sluttiest athleisure. Like, I didn’t know Forever21 endorsed “strong women” as well as “women hoping their fake ID will work at penny draft night,” but I digress.

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The (literal) fight for @coltonunderwood’s love begins ? #TheBachelor

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For the group date, Colton wants the women to beat the sh*t out of each other. I paraphrase. But for real, he does want them to fight each other. Why do I have a feeling Demi is bringing a shiv into the ring with her?

Okay, also, have you noticed that this is a common theme for all of his group dates? Is Colton pitting the women against each other in some sort of fight/survival scenario in the hopes that he won’t ever have to grow some balls and eliminate someone??

I may have spoken too soon about Demi. She’s getting her ass kicked in the fight, and it feels very off-brand for a person who has literally started sh*t with every woman in that house. Is it just me, or does she seem really defeated this episode? Is it because almost everyone over the age of 25 has been eliminated and there’s nothing else to fuel her hatred?

COLTON: I’ve seen enough.

Me too, Colton. Me too.

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Sydney won’t stop complaining about how she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet and tbh I feel like she’s thiiiiis close to snapping. I just wish all of these girls knew that Colton knows just as little about the girls he takes on one-on-one dates as he does about the ones on group dates. Except maybe how their ass feels in his hand. 

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Let’s sea where this connection goes #thebachelor #bachelorinsider #bts ??

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Katie is also close to an emotional breakdown and she has good reason to be, because I genuinely do not know who this girl is. Has she spoken any words this entire season?? Colton pulls her aside during the cocktail party and I can’t recall a single conversation the two of them have had together.

She’s like “I know I’m pretty monotone but I do care about you.” She says all of this without looking up from her feet. Why is she acting so weird?? She’s not even making direct eye contact with him! She reminds me of that brother from Wedding Crashers, the one with the paintings and the emo haircut?

Katie tells Colton that she’s afraid he’s going to cut her because their relationship isn’t as far along as some of the other girls, and Colton does a really sh*tty thing here and tells her he doesn’t want that to happen. He’s pretty much assuring her that he’s into her when we all know she’s going to be cut first at the rose ceremony this week.

Demi pulls Colton aside next. She says that the reason she wasn’t good at fighting earlier is because she’s very “soft and sensitive”, and she says that with a straight face. Lol. This is the same girl who would suggest any woman old enough to legally rent a car should invest in Life Alert.

Demi wants Colton to call her mom with her, and it’s a smart move. Last time she played the mommy issues card she got the group date rose. I’m honestly impressed by her shamelessness.

OMG. You guys, is Sydney leaving too?? She’s like, “some girls are taking this too lightly.” GOD FORBID DEMI CHUCKLE. But I do sort of get where she’s coming from. It’s clear Colton was only going to string her along for another episode or two.

Sydney goes home. Colton gives an impassioned speech to the rest of the girls about how he has so much more to give, and he’s certainly referring to his virginity. I just gagged.

The Second One-On-One Date

Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date. Colton says he’s looking to get some answers today, but so am I. For instance, wtf happened to her chin last week??

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when you realize you’re all out of wine and it’s bachelor monday ? #hangchinthere #thebachelor

A post shared by Kirpa Sudick (@kirpasudick) on Feb 11, 2019 at 8:01am PST

Their date might as well be a series of stock images under “rich people travel”—it’s that stereotypical. For all intents and purposes, their date is cute. They go scuba diving, have a nice dinner, yada yada. But I know this date is going downhill because Colton hasn’t aggressively rubbed himself against her even once.

You guys, this date is so boring and I hate that because I think I might actually be rooting for Kirpa? Not only does she seem like a real human being, but it also seems like she’s feeling him out instead of him feeling her out. I like that.

They get on the subject of Colton’s virginity because they’re both contractually obligated to bring it up at least once an episode. Apparently Kirpa’s ex-fiancé was also a virgin! Lol. I love how Colton had to clarify that his virginity isn’t for religious reasons and he will be losing it at some point during this show. He’s like “well I do totally intend on having sex with multiple women in fantasy suites so…”

Colton asks Kirpa if she could see herself getting engaged at the end of this, and she responds with a very confident “yeah.” I didn’t think forever would sound about as enthusiastic as me telling my roommate I’ll get sushi if she’s already ordering it, but okay. Eternal happiness to you both!

Demi’s One-On-One

Demi decides she deserves her own one-on-one date, and I love that about her. What I don’t love is she came dressed to seduce Colton like I go dressed to buy “one thing” at Target. At least show some cleavage, honey!

She uses the flimsy excuse of checking in on him to see how he’s doing after Sydney’s departure. I think he’d believe you more if you weren’t wearing enough body glitter to light up downtown Miami.

WHAT. HE’S BREAKING UP WITH HER??? I’m genuinely shocked that he’s dumping her like this. I mean, they both didn’t seem very attracted to one another, but still! I thought he at least wouldn’t be smiling as he dumped her!

She’s like, “I don’t know what to say to that” as she pretends to wipe away tears from a face that is bone dry. Save those fake tears for Mexico, honey. That’s where your talents will really be appreciated!

The Second Rose Ceremony

Tbh I’m surprised we’re even having a rose ceremony tonight. I think we all know Katie is going home, right? I can’t think of one other woman who might be on the chopping block other than Heather, but her Josie Grossy storyline should get her at least one more episode.

Chris shocks the women by saying there won’t be a rose ceremony this evening. Colton’s made up his mind.

Katie gets sent home, to the shock of no one with working eyes and ears. Before Katie leaves she gives Colton a cryptic message about girls not being there for the right reasons, which is exactly what Sydney said before she left.

COLTON: But I thought Sydney was talking about Demi!!

Newsflash, Colton! Demi wasn’t the only hot blonde who graduated from college six months ago and decided to forgo the real world for a few months and try her hand at becoming a reality TV star. Child, please.

And on that note, I’m out betches! I’m literally counting down the minutes until the infamous fence jumping scene, so let’s hope it’s next week!

Images: Giphy (5); bachelorabc, kirpasudick, bachelorinsider / Instagram 

Welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read, according to me and the select few friends I’ve blackmailed strongly encouraged to endorse me in the comments section. I’m just going to jump right into the recap this week because, y’all, it took a dark turn. Normally when I watch this show my emotions range from “mildly entertained” to “looking up how to get away with arson in LA” but this week was a little bit different. I felt things that I did not think my cold, dead heart could ever actually feel. Like, I may have cried a little. And not even just because I ran out of wine! 

We’re starting this week off strong already. It’s three minutes in and Chris Harrison is already throwing insults at the most emotionally fragile girl in the house: Alabama Hannah.

CHRIS HARRISON: How are you feeling about last week, Caelynn?
ALABAMA HANNAH: Um, my name is Hannah…

CHRIS. MY GOD. He definitely just got a bonus for mixing up their names on purpose. I hope your new timeshare in St. Lucia was worth it!

This week the ladies are headed to Singapore! I guess none of the contestants have any outstanding issues with the law this season and are actually allowed to travel outside of the United States. I’m pretty sure at this time during Becca’s season the crew was heading off to the exotic and enchanting locale that is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, so, like, that’s where the bar was at. They’re already exceeding my expectations as to how this season would go. Brava, ladies.

Lol they’re staying at The Fairmont?? This is a far cry from the Crazy Rich Asians fantasy I’m sure Colton was picturing when production told him where they were going. You know that bish loves a good rom-com.

The One-On-One Date

Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date and I’m shocked because I literally have no idea who this girl is. Is she one of the young ones or the old ones? And by “old” I mean of legal drinking age but still legally allowed to be on her parents’ insurance.

I love how Colton is like “I’m not sure about her” and then decides the only way he’ll be able to find out is by forcing her to jump off a bridge. They’re going bungee jumping for their date, and this is the stuff of nightmares. I absolutely do not trust that ABC wouldn’t “accidentally” forget to buckle something in an attempt to get better ratings.

Jesus. Colton is acting like such a girl right now I can’t. He looks like he might cry and it’s like, production already made you go to second base with Tia in Mexico, don’t pretend like jumping off a bridge is something you totally wouldn’t do for more Instagram followers. Tbh if I was Tayshia I’d let Colton go and then I’d be like “see ya never dude” and find some rich guy at the Four Seasons. You don’t need this sh*t, girlfriend.

TAYSHIA: He just sounded like a little girl.

AHAHAHHAHAHA. She did not just say that! Colton, that was not cute. He definitely just sharted in his pants. That’s why they immediately cut to them hanging out in the water, so we wouldn’t notice any stains on the seat of his trunks.

Ah, I was wondering when we’d get to the sob story portion of the evening. Tayshia says her life hasn’t been all roses because she recently went through a divorce, which definitely explains why someone who seems so down-to-earth and put together would be on this show. It’s all making sense now. I guess there’s nothing like sticking it to your ex by getting hot and heavy with a virgin on prime time television?

COLTON: Wow, I had such a blast tonight dissecting your emotional baggage.

God Colton, at least PRETEND like her heartbreak isn’t giving you a hard-on right now. Tayshia gets the rose and also another reason for her ex-husband to get the dog in their custody battle. I hope your sub-par makeout session with Colton was worth it!

The Group Date

The group date is up next and it starts with Colton lamenting over having to balance 13 relationships at once. Oh cry me a f*cking river, we know you blackmailed Mike Fleiss to get on this show, so smile and shut up.

Okay, Demi is bold. She’s jumping up on Colton’s back, getting sketches of the two of them made, and pretty much acting like the two of them are on their own date. The other girls in the house are pissed because she’s stealing all of the attention, but honestly she’s playing the game right. She’s trying to make the most of her limited time with Colton and I don’t think that’s wrong. #TeamDemi

For the group date Colton wants to show them the wonders of Singapore and takes them to a back alley harem. I wish I was joking. Okay, this is f*cking terrifying. Like, is this place even up to code? Do we know where these leeches have been? Because, yes, you heard me right. Colton is making them put LEECHES on themselves. As if draining their dignities week to week wasn’t enough, now they gotta give up their blood too.

For the next part of the date, Colton takes the girls to a street fair where he suggests they all try some of the local cuisine. Again, this is definitely something he saw and loved on Crazy Rich Asians. Also, I love that he’s forcing these girls to ingest fried frog legs. This is such a great crossover Fear Factor/The Bachelor episode!

At the cocktail party, Alabama Hannah is quick to be the first one to grab Colton. She’s trying to interrogate him about their relationship whilst wearing the most offensive jumpsuit I’ve ever seen. Hannah, why do you do things like this?

Okay, yes, I’m glad we’re addressing this. Back at the street fair an Asian fortune teller told Colton and Cassie that they were brother and sister in a past life and Colton is EATING it up. He’s like “I really believe in that stuff you know?”

CASSIE: Uhh…
COLTON:

Oh GOD. Demi opens up about her mother getting out of prison but I can’t take her seriously. She looks like a life-size Bratz doll right now.

Courtney is pissed that Demi keeps getting time with Colton, and it’s like, first of all, who even are you? Second of all, this is the f*cking Bachelor! You literally signed up for this sh*t. She confronts Demi and tries to tell her she’s being immature, but Demi isn’t the one pouting about not getting screen time…

DEMI: You have the right to feel that way, and I have the right to not care.

^^My official motto from now until the end of time.

Demi gets the group date rose because no one else had more emotional baggage than her. Thanks, mom!!

The Second One-On-One Date

Caelynn has the second one-on-one date and I don’t care what Colton said to get to second base with Alabama Hannah last night, this is a big f*ck you to her. I would not be surprised if in between montages of them making out the camera cuts to Alabama Hannah stress-eating her hair by the pool.

Colton tells Caelynn that today is all about treating her as if he will actually be using his own money on this date. Please.

Jesus. He really is living out his Crazy Rich Asians fantasy. He takes Caelynn on a shopping spree at what I can only assume is the Forever 21 of Singapore? I’m alarmed at the dresses they’re pulling. Like, I’ve never seen trash like that before and I’ve sat through three weeks of Demi’s rose ceremony outfits…

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Comment ???? if this is your dream date! ???? #TheBachelor

A post shared by bachelorabc (@bachelorabc) on Jan 28, 2019 at 6:09pm PST

Cut to the cocktail party, and Caelynn tells us she has a story she needs to tell Colton. Grab your tissues now.

Okay, this… took a dark turn. Caelynn says she was sexually assaulted in college, which is absolutely horrifying.

Colton brings up how he used to date someone who was sexually abused and he has to be talking about Aly Raisman, right? I’m kind of not okay with that. That’s her story to tell.

Honestly, I don’t want to say anything else about this. I feel horrible that this happened to Caelynn and I’m glad she’s being open and honest about it. I’m glad her voice is being heard and she’s advocating for sexual assault victims. That said, I don’t know how I feel about ABC capitalizing off of it…

Caelynn gets the rose, and I get another box of tissues.

The Rose Ceremony

Demi, still riding off the high of her group date rose, gives an impassioned speech about how every girl should get some time with Colton. She’s like “I’m gonna talk to him and so should you and I don’t want to hear boo about it.” Lol. I’m sure this won’t at all result in her getting flung into the pool by an angry mob of hair extensions.

Colton slinks off with the girl who got the First Impression Rose night one. I legit forgot this girl even existed and I guess so did  Colton because he’s like “so what’s up?” Lol this girl is a DUD. No wonder she hasn’t gotten any screen time since.

Hannah G is like “tonight he acknowledged me in the biggest way ever” YEAH, HIS HAND ON YOUR ASS. Dream big.

Uh oh. Caelynn pulls Alabama Hannah aside to “talk” because she wants to bury the drama between them.

CAELYNN: I just want this experience to be enjoyable for both of us.

Lol they think being on The Bachelor should be enjoyable?? Oh, sweetie, no. 

Okay, this feud between Demi and Courtney is out of control. Demi tells Colton that Courtney is the “cancer of the house”, which feels like a GROSS exaggeration, but okay. Courtney then turns around and starts sh*t talking Demi to Colton. Girls, girls, girls. When will you get it through your bleached heads that talking sh*t about other contestants to the lead never works out in your favor??

Courtney tells Colton that Demi used the word “game” when talking about their relationship, and it’s like, why is it a bad thing? This is kind of a numbers game until the end. You’re competing for attention. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. 

Final rose count: Old Tracy and Courtney both get sent home, and honestly that feels like the right outcome. Though I’ll take any outcome where my eyeballs won’t be subjected to another week of Tracy’s “daring” fashion choices. 

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Winter weather attire ???? #black #morehats

A post shared by Tracy Shapoff (@tracyshapoff) on Jan 18, 2019 at 1:48pm PST

Well, y’all, I’m emotionally spent (and so is the wine) soooo I’m outtie! See you betches next week. Xo.

Images: Giphy (5); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @tracyshapoff /Instagram (1)

Welcome back, betches, to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! For those of you who commented anything but glowing reviews on my last recap, just know that this week it’s my birthday and I’m still walking a thin line between “hungover” and “wanting to die” so don’t f*cking mess with me. K? Speaking of my hangover, I can still barely hold down solids without wanting to die a slow and painful death, so if Colton so much as breathes the wrong way I’m ready to verbally eviscerate him. Fun! 

The Group Date

Chris Harrison steps into the Bachelor mansion to test the room and make sure the girls are about as suicidal as production needs them to be to humiliate themselves on the group date this week. He’s so sweet like that! Lol. Someone says there’s been a lot of “high highs” and “low lows” and it’s like they’re describing my emotional state for the last 48 hours, so I can relate.

Alabama Hannah gets picked for the first group date and she’s acting a little too confident for someone whose vocabulary consists entirely of “roll tide roll.” Like, I’ve never seen someone choke that bad on national television before, and now she wants to go back for seconds? She doesn’t even have her birthday to fall back on as an excuse for Colton to keep her this week!

Caelynn, Demi, and old Tracy are also all going on the group date so this should be lit. These are the biggest feuds in the house right now, and if the night doesn’t end in Tracy sobbing in the fetal position somewhere, then I’ll be genuinely surprised.

Okay, WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE DATE THEMES?? A pirate theme? Are you f*cking kidding me? Like, first Colton forces them all to go to summer camp with him and now he wants them to reenact the theme from his 3rd grade birthday party? This has to be a joke. If ABC wanted to insert knife play into this season, I’m sure they could have found another way.

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I stabbed my way into Demi’s heart. The beginning of a beautiful friendship began with a sword fight and I wouldn’t have it any other way. #illoveyoudemifool

A post shared by Hannah Brown (@itsalabamahannah) on Jan 21, 2019 at 11:54am PST

Alabama Hannah starts challenging every girl on the date to a duel, and I’m not convinced she didn’t swap out her prop for an actual knife. She’s looking a little unhinged this episode, and I don’t like that production left her unsupervised with a sharp object, prop or no. Also, 10 bucks says Hannah screams “roll tide!” after she wins each duel.

Despite the fact that Hannah is clearly the most into this pirate themed date, Caelynn and Tracy somehow get picked to participate in the pirate cosplay performance with Colton. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for why such a performance has to exist, but honestly, this just feels like Colton’s excuse to get to wear a billowing deep-V tee and not have his sexuality challenged for it. Just saying.

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& @coltonunderwood’s journey for love continues! #TheBachelor

A post shared by bachelorabc (@bachelorabc) on Jan 21, 2019 at 7:00pm PST

Cut to the cocktail party later in the evening, and Demi and Tracy are already at each other’s throats. I love it.

DEMI: *breathes*
TRACY: 

Like, does anyone else think Tracy is just being ridiculous? I mean, Demi did just insinuate women over the age of 25 should just give up and die now, but I do think Tracy is being way too sensitive over this. And I’m not even just saying that because I think she’s tacky and I hate her.

OKAY WHAT IS DEMI DOING RIGHT NOW. She’s beating Colton with a wooden spoon and trying to cup his ballsack on national f*cking television. Like, did ABC hire Demi to see how far they could get away with sexual harassment without being sued? Colton, blink once if you’re okay, twice if you need me to call someone!

Next, Colton pulls Caelynn aside to talk to her and I’m surprised by how much he likes her. She has great hair but a nothing burger personality.

Meanwhile, Alabama Hannah is losing it right now. She doesn’t understand how Colton could possibly like both her and Caelynn when they are sooooo different from each other. And she is NOT wrong. One of them has brown hair and one has blonde. And one is from a southern state and one is from a DIFFERENT southern state.

ALABAMA HANNAH: Like, I am befumbled by this girl right now.
ME: I think you just befumbled that word, but okay.

Hannah pulls Colton aside to tell her about the one time Caelynn didn’t like her Instagram post and that’s why she’s a horrible human and this is probably the most words Hannah has ever spoken to him. Like, does she even have a real reason for not liking Caelynn? She’s being so vague and weird about it. Like, if you’re going backstab someone, Hannah, do it right. At least have a knife with you! MY GOD.

Also, if I have to hear the words “high stress situation” one more time I’m going to commit homicide. Like, they’re making pageantry sound about as stressful as sending someone on a mission to Mars. Wearing last season’s veneers does not make for a high stress situation, ladies!

OH SH*T. Colton gives Caelynn the group date rose and it’s a big f*ck you to Hannah. I guess he like when a girl can actually string together sentences, and Caelynn has Hannah beat there. Better luck next time, Hans!

The One-On-One Date

Colton picks Elyse for the one-on-one and it feels a bit random, but okay. I guess I’ll entertain this. He casually invites an entire kindergarten class on their date and this is where I would bow tf out. She already has to babysit Colton and now he wants to add 30 more kids to her plate today?

LITTLE GIRL: I’ve already been kissed on the lips.
COLTON: You have?
LITTLE GIRL: Yes.
COLTON: Wow, I know this girl named Heather who could actually use some pointers…

Okay, I will begrudgingly admit that this date is kind of cute. Also, that’s a really nice charity he works for. Though I’m sure he doesn’t do it at all for the positive publicity he gets for it. *insert eye roll here*

Also, this date was totally recycled from Becca’s season. Like, Colton planned this exact same date for Hometowns. At least be original. But I guess pimping out sick children is always a crowd pleaser as far as ABC is concerned, so carry on!

Okay, I really like Elyse. She’s far prettier than that atrocious headshot ABC used in the promos and she seems really smart and put-together. She’s way too good for a guy who’s been on reality TV more times than he’s had sexual intercourse.

She gets a rose and I’m not at all surprised. I’m definitely rooting for her. But not to be with Colton, just to be the next Bachelorette. Duh.

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Will Colton send Elyse on a ride she’ll never forget? ???? #TheBachelor

A post shared by bachelorabc (@bachelorabc) on Jan 21, 2019 at 5:40pm PST

The Second Group Date

The second group date is going to involve some sort of athletic component, and I know this because the date card mentioned the words “strong women” and the girls decided this meant “bring out your sluttiest sports bras.” I’m so glad we marched for this, ladies!

HAHA. Some girl just asked Colton if he ran out of clothes and I’m dying.

GIRL: Did you run out of clothes?
COLTON: No, the producers just told me I’m not contractually allowed to wear a shirt every episode.

Wtf. So he’s making these girls work out? That’s the date? This is the stuff of my nightmares. He’s making the girls compete in some sort of feats of strength competition and it’s like, but why? What does being able to lift a very heavy tire have to do with having a successful relationship? If that’s what you’re looking for, Bobby over at my local Jiffy Lube handled my tire like a champ last week. Shall I give you his number, Colton?

Okay, there is no way in hell Caitlin was able to pull that entire limo without any assistance. I take back Colton’s virgin story being the hardest pill to swallow on this godforsaken show. This is definitely harder. I guess they lost the footage of her producer standing from behind giving the limo an extra push?

Onyeka wins the competition and gets the saddest pity kiss from Colton I’ve ever seen. This girl is so f*cking thirsty it’s hard to watch. Colton looks equally alarmed by her thirstiness. Why do I feel like she’s the new Jasmine of this season? If she tries to choke him sometime in the next three episodes we’ll know for sure!

Okay, Caitlin is STRUGGLING at this cocktail party rn. She’s like “I don’t have a sob story so I don’t know what to say here?” Girl, just make something up!

CAITLIN: I feel comfortable about opening up about getting blackout with my friends.

LOLOLOLOL. If this isn’t the definition of millennials opening up to each other, then IDK what is.

Colton says the conversation wasn’t the best but it’s not her birthday so he’s not obligated to keep her AND SENDS HER HOME. Damnnnn. I didn’t think he would just cut her just like that! The girl moved an entire limo with nothing but her sheer desperation to find a man and he’s not even going to let her stay until the rose ceremony? That’s cold.

COLTON: I’m sorry but I just didn’t feel it with you. Maybe if your sister had died I’d be able to get it up.

Nice, Colton. Real nice.

The Pool Party

Colton is already bucking the system and doesn’t want to have a cocktail party this week, but don’t worry, there will be a pool party instead! Or as Chris Harrison spins it, “this is better because he’ll be shirtless.” Is it me or does Chris Harrison remind you more and more of a pimp each season?

Sidenote: Why do these girls look so great with wet hair? What kind of sorcery is this? In the immortal words of Canadian Daniel, I would look like a washed-up street dog on this date.

Okay, do we think we’ll actually get some clarity on this feud between Alabama Hannah and Caelynn at the pool party? Or do we think Chris Harrison will just make them “work things out” with a chicken fight in the pool?

ALABAMA HANNAH: I am a tank of rage
ME: She’s batsh*t
ALSO ME: *updates Hinge bio with this exact quote*

Caelynn says she doesn’t want to throw Hannah under the bus and then proceeds to call her a manipulative bitch to Colton’s face. Damnnnn. I’d hate to see what she calls her when she’s not trying to ruin her reputation. 

Colton goes back to Hannah to tell her what Caelynn said about her, and this is starting to feel like a seventh grade sleepover. Like, why is this feud necessary? He’s like, “I want to get back to where we were on our one-on-one when you didn’t speak any words and just looked hot.” You and me both, Colton. YOU AND ME BOTH. 

Lol Colton looks like he wants to kill himself just listening to this feud and HE IS NOT ALONE. Like, this feud makes no sense and unless someone releases the Miss USA burn book I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I’m done.

The Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony starts and people are pissed because no one got to talk to Colton at the pool party. He was too busy gossiping with the producers about the dirt he heard on Hannah and Caelynn. He’s a petty bitch like that. Tbh I’m just surprised the women didn’t hang those two with their strapless bras while they were getting ready for the rose ceremony tonight.

Watching Hannah and Caelynn at the rose ceremony is tough for me. Mostly because I’m absolutely APPALLED by their dress choices. Like, if it were a war between dresses they both should be going home. Not only are my eyes bleeding, but those are crimes against humanity, I swear to god.

Final rose cut: Bri, Catherine, and Nina all get sent home. I have nothing to say about this other than I’m intrigued to see who the villain of this season will be if they sent home the professional DJ this early in the game. 

Images: Giphy (3); @bachelorabc /Instragram (2); @itsalabamahannah /Instagram (1); ABC (1)

Welcome back, friends, to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! For those of you who missed last week’s episode, congratulations! That’s three hours of your life that you didn’t have to watch Shirley’s sh*tty viewing party in Lansing, Michigan. For those of you who did watch, and mistakenly thought that the only reason ABC would hold us all hostage like that for three goddamn hours would be so we could actually see footage from Colton’s season, well, at least we were drunk. I mean, I was drunk. Anyway, moving on. This week, I only feel slightly confident that Ashley I. isn’t going to pop out of the closest bush armed with a microphone and a random couple who were allotted 90 seconds of tonight’s program to get engaged in between Colton’s dates. I’m feeling even less confident about the amount of virginity jokes we’ll be hearing. So shall we get started?

And here we f*cking go with the virginity jokes. The episode opens with Colton sitting shirtless on a bed talking about how tonight, everyone will have to reveal their firsts. This should be good. Why do I have a feeling Demi’s is going to involve a loaded gun and a four-wheeler?

Cut to the Bachelor mansion, where Chris Harrison has the NERVE to ask the women how their first night went. My emotional state after what ABC put me through last week is somewhere around “bought the lighter fluid” and “Googled directions to ABC studios” but, yes, let’s check in with the ladies who actually signed up to be there to see how they’re doing.

The First Group Date

Moving on to the first group date. The women are whisked away to a theater, only to find Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman standing on the stage. I’m sorry, WHAT? First of all, Megan Mullally, you are better than this. Second of all, Nick, what would Ron Swanson say if he could see you now?

I’m disgusted.

The girls have to get on stage and describe their most significant “firsts” in their lives, but it doesn’t have to be about their virginities! God, why would you even think that?? No, it can be any “first” they want to talk about, though I have a feeling if it’s not at least vaguely sexual, or won’t somehow bring shame and dishonor to their family name, then they’ll be asked to “rework” the material.

I’m still not over the fact that Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman are on this show. Like, how and why. I thought their careers were doing well! I know they have a new book out, because Nick is practically waving it in front of the camera rn. Is this about book sales? Hmm? Because I’m happy to buy your book, Megan and Nick, if it means you’ll stop debasing yourself for ABC on national f*cking television.

Okay, this date is already making me wish I were dead. The girls are all busy trying to figure out which of their insecurities they should exploit in front of millions of people for a chance with a man who could solve a Rubik’s Cube easier than he could find their clit. Good luck, ladies!

Demi thinks she’s got it in the bag because she’s got “stories”, which definitely means she’s going to talk about her jailbird mom. Honestly, I admire her shamelessness.

(Sidenote: Is it just me, or is Demi a dead ringer for Amma from Sharp Objects? The 13-year-old who murders small children and keeps their teeth for her dollhouse? Sorry, spoiler.)

Like, this girl looks SO young. ABC, can we get an ID check? Please.

Colton is up first, and he immediately starts in on his “the first time I told people I was a virgin” story. The crowd is eating it up, too. They’re looking at him like he said he just survived cancer and not like he just survived some mild locker room bullying. COME ON, PEOPLE! He doesn’t even have a hymen!

Elyse gets up there and admits that she’s the first one in her 30s, and gets an immediate standing ovation from the audience.

DEMI: She’s, like, so brave for sharing her story.
ME, A PERSON THREE YEARS AWAY FROM HER THIRTIES: OLD PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO, YOU F*CKING BITCH.

Demi is the last one to go on stage, and she launches into a story about how she wants to kiss her crush for the first time AND THEN SHE GRABS COLTON BY THE FACE AND KISSES HIM. Omg. That’s the boldest thing I’ve ever seen on this show. I just clapped in my apartment.

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Let’s give it up for these incredible women! ????????

A post shared by bachelorabc (@bachelorabc) on Jan 14, 2019 at 5:31pm PST

Cut to the cocktail party afterwards and the women are livid. They can’t believe Demi would just kiss someone against their will and it’s like, did you ladies even watch Paradise this summer? Women kissing Colton against his will is kind of in his contract. *cough* Tia *cough, cough*

Oh sh*t. Demi just touched the group date rose and she might be hanged for this. She better pray Onyeka left her whistle at home.

Watching Colton flirt is making me so uncomfortable. Like, he’s gay right? He practically just snapped his fingers in a Z formation when he was complimenting Elyse on her stage performance. “Teach me something, honey” are literally words that just came out of his mouth.

Tracy confronts Demi about touching the rose and it’s much like the conversation my mother had with me in college when she asked me to untag myself from Kappa Sig’s Halloween party pics.

TRACY: And I’m not mad at you I’m just disappointed in you, you know? Please do better.
DEMI: Totally. I’m totally sorry.
ALSO DEMI:

Elyse gets the group date rose and I’m a little shocked. She didn’t even really say anything to Colton? I guess he must really be into that power reversal she insinuated.

The One-On-One

Alabama Hannah gets the first one-on-one date of the season, which feels random but okay. Ah, wait. There it is. Apparently it’s Hannah’s birthday, which I’m sure didn’t play a role AT ALL in her getting the first one-on-one date.

ALABAMA HANNAH: Did you know it’s my birthday today??
COLTON: Is it? That explains why producers made me pick you…

Okay, this date is soooo painful to watch. Colton strings together a very basic sentence for a toast and asks her to do the same, only she’s acting like he just asked her to perform brain surgery on that chaise lounge. Just say “cheers” or something! My god!

Wowowowowow she doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together, does she? They’re just sitting there in complete silence while she’s struggling to come up with literally anything to say. OMG. ROLL TIDE ROLL. DID SHE REALLY JUST SAY THAT. “Happy birthday to me” and “Roll tide roll” are the only words her poor little pea-sized brain could come up with. Someone needs to give this girl a drink. Or ten. SOS. She needs some serious help.

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Guess I’ll need to get “toasted” on Monday night. ????????‍♀️????????????????‍♀️ #help @bachelorabc ・・・ If that toast ???? doesn't go well, Hannah B. might be toast. ???? #TheBachelor⁠ ⁠

A post shared by Hannah Brown (@itsalabamahannah) on Jan 11, 2019 at 9:16pm PST

COLTON: You feel like you have to be perfect, and I get it. I felt like I had to be perfect. And look at me now? I’m ABC’s tool the Bachelor. Feel better?
ALABAMA HANNAH: ….yes?

Alabama Hannah decides that she’ll open up by asking Colton about his virginity. SERIOUSLY. That’s all you’ve got?? She was so unbelievably awkward this entire date, and she thought asking the most personal question possible would be the way to remedy that??

Hannah gets the rose, but only because it’s her birthday. There’s no other reason she makes it another week after that date. ABC is not about to dump a pageant queen on her birthday. They save that sh*t for the finale.

The Second Group Date

Moving on to the second group date. The girls are invited to “Camp Bachelor” where they play Red Rover and Duck Duck Goose with Colton. If we didn’t know he was a virgin before, we certainly do now after watching this 12-year-old boy’s pre-pubescent fantasy dream date. Like, he hasn’t even graduated to the truth or dare phase of life yet!

Billy Eichner shows up and again I have to ask, why though? I thought he was doing okay for himself? Like, what does ABC have on these people to make them humiliate themselves like this on national television?

Whoop, there it is.

BILLY EICHNER: Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor.
COLTON: …..
BILLY EICHNER: …..
ALL OF AMERICA: …..
COLTON: ….Ha ha good one!

Billy Eichner, ladies and gentlemen, saying what we all want to say.

Shockingly, the girls are not just at Camp Bachelor to babysit Colton. They’re competing for Colton’s attention in some sort of Cheaper By The Dozen camp showdown, and the winners get to spend the night with Colton in the cabin. Exsqueeze me? They get to spend the night with Colton?? On the first date??

Okay, but how much do we think Billy wants to kill himself rn? I can just hear it in his tone as he shouts “spicy mustard” in the middle of the yellow team’s huddle.

The red team wins, and they get to camp out with Colton for the night. So, let me get this straight. The other girls get to go back to the mansion and these girls have to sleep in their clothes in a dirty cabin? Who really won here?

Why do I feel like Colton is going to dump this “never been kissed” girl? I have a feeling he doesn’t want another virgin in the house. He wants to be the only one with a hymen.

Damn, I’m wrong again! Colton gives the group date rose to Heather for “opening up so much.” Lol can you imagine if this girl makes it to the fantasy suite? The camera will pan to a bowl of cherries and all we’ll hear is 10 seconds of Colton grunting and Heather crying in the background. Or was that just my first time? Lol I’m so random!

The Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

It’s only the second cocktail party of the season and the girls are already a house divided. Demi thinks that the “old” girls are panicking because they haven’t gotten any roses. I just love that Demi thinks 27 is old. To be fair, when I was her age I also thought 27 was ancient, but now I understand that just because you’re pushing 30 and can legally rent a car, that doesn’t mean you still aren’t trash.  

Tracy is, like, one glass of champagne away from setting Demi and her closet full of sales rack Wet Seal clothes on fire. She wants to have a moment with Colton, but just as she gets some alone time with him Demi steals him away in a robe.

RANDO IN THE HOUSE:

Actually, she doesn’t. Her mom is in jail, you know this Jocelyn!

Honestly, Tracy is acting insane. I hate to side with a girl who probably just learned how to use a tampon last week, but Demi has a point. She shouldn’t be crying in a corner if she wants to actually get a rose later. Sack up, Tracy!

Final rose count: Angelique, Alex B, Annie, and Erika all get sent home, which feels fair because I can’t recall a single detail about these women. 

And that’s all for this week! Tune in again next week when *spoiler alert* Colton will talk about his virginity! I’m sure we’ll all be waiting with bated breath.

Images: ABC; Giphy (6); @abcbachelor /Instagram (1); @itsalabamahannah /Instagram (1)

Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! For my New Year’s resolution I said I was done entertaining toxic relationships, but what do you know? I guess I’m back on my bullsh*t. That’s right, people, my most toxic relationship to date, The Bachelor, is finally back in our lives. I don’t know about y’all, but it feels like I’ve waited longer for this season to air than Colton’s waited to see a vagina. Personally, I can’t wait to watch Chris Harrison explain that it only hurts the first time the birds and the bees in between rose ceremonies, but I hear that might not even be the most dramatic thing to happen on our screens this season! There’s already talk of a girl faking an Australian accent (among other things I’m sure), another girl whose tweets are more problematic than my grandma at Thanksgiving dinner, and footage of what appears to be Colton fleeing the Bachelor mansion during this season’s promo?? Damn, it’s good to be home. So let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Side note: I was not aware prior to sitting down three seconds before this episode started that it would be THREE GODDAMN HOURS long. I’m so distraught. If the people at ABC think that just because I’ve had 2-3 glasses of wine and am captivated by human train wrecks dressed in evening wear, that I’ll actually sit through 180 minutes of this bullsh*t then they’d absolutely be correct. Carry on.

Why do I have a strong feeling that the first hour is going to include some sort of crude sex ed class taught by Chris Harrison? Hmm?

Oh, looks like I’m mistaken. Instead of sex ed, ABC thought it was actually pertinent to show us Shirley’s sh*tty viewing party in Lansing, Michigan. I’d like to tell Chris about my viewing party. It’s me alone chugging rosé and NyQuil and mumbling about THE NERVE of them for dragging this out for three hours, but I digress. When will the ABC understand that it’s torture enough to even watch The Bachelor, let alone watch people watching The Bachelor?

I guess Chris Harrison finally feels like throwing us a bone, because he takes a break from interviewing Bachelor has-beens to actually show us some footage from Colton’s season. So kind of him. The camera rolls and we get our first look at the girls this season. You know, assuming you haven’t been Instagram stalking them since the day ABC released their names and faces. Some immediate thoughts I’m having:

– I already don’t trust Cassie the surf instructor/speech pathologist/ridiculously good-looking human. At some point she gets nailed in the face by a wave and her hair, makeup, and attitude remain flawless. If that’s not sorcery then I don’t know what is.

– Alabama Hannah is absolutely terrifying. She’s showing far too much enthusiasm for a guy who most definitely will not be able to find her clit the first few times they hook up.

– Heather is 22, beautiful, and claims she’s never been kissed before. I’m just not buying it. I have a feeling her idea of “never been kissed” means if you’re blackout then it doesn’t count. Sorry, hunnie, but if that didn’t work for me freshman year it sure as hell isn’t going to work for you now!

– Demi is making me Google the age restrictions for this show because she doesn’t even look old enough to be menstruating. Seriously, how old is this girl?? Also, her mom is a felon, a story which I’m sure will get her halfway through the season at the very least.

The camera finally pans to this season’s Bachelor, Colton Underwood, whose biggest trauma in life is that he is good-looking, but a virgin.

Tragic.

COLTON: I never expected to be the next Bachelor. I don’t know how it happened.

ALSO COLTON: *campaigns for it for over a year* *slides into ABC’s DMs every chance he gets* 

COLTON: I guess I’m just lucky.

Yeah, lucky.

The Limo Intros:

We’re now 52 minutes into this episode and Chris Harrison is like “should we start the limo intros now?” YOU THINK? At this point, I’m three glasses of wine deep. I’ve seen an infant be interviewed, more footage of Shirley’s viewing party then I ever asked for, and two randoms get engaged BUT I HAVE NOT SEEN ONE GODDAMN THING THAT RELATES TO THIS EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR. I’m at the point where I want to strangle Chris Harrison with my bare hands.

CHRIS HARRISON: I’m bummed I have to work tonight and can’t just hang out with my Bachelor family.

ME: Well, Chris, I’m bummed you won’t get to the f*cking point of this show. We all have our crosses to bear.

Demi is the first one out of the limo and she looks about as cheap as I thought she would. She’s wearing some heinous yellow lace number that is most definitely from Forever21, and I know this because I considered buying it.

DEMI: *licks lips* I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12.

COLTON: 

Elyse looks like she could be Colton’s babysitter, but it would not surprise me if Colton is actually into that.

There are so many virginity jokes tonight and it’s making me p uncomfortable. For example, Caitlin shows up with a giant cherry balloon and POPS IT in Colton’s face. Next up, is a grown*ss woman dressed as a sloth. She’s practically crawling toward Colton’s feet because she hears he “moves slow.” Is this the part where Colton sets himself on fire? Because I wouldn’t blame him.

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Still sober. We’ve been taking virgin shots. ???? @coltonunderwood #TheBachelor

A post shared by bachelorabc (@bachelorabc) on Jan 7, 2019 at 11:07pm PST

Lol. Revian is like “my parents speak Mandarin so that’s going to set me apart from the other girls.” I’m sure that’s what your parents were hoping you’d take away from your culture.

Okay, what I would like to know is how these girls survive without eating? Because clearly none of them do. Don’t get it twisted, they’re gorgeous, but they’re soooo tiny. Like, is this what Colton asked for when the producers told him to describe his type? “I like girls that were in pageants, will talk about my virginity, and haven’t eaten since 1999.” Well congratulations, Colton, your future wife is definitely out there!

The Cocktail Party

We finally make it to the cocktail party and I feel as if I’ve aged ten years. Every time Chris Harrison tries to check in on Shirley in Lansing, I can feel my life force being sucked out of me. Chris, I beg of you, just get to the episode!

Colton walks into a room full of blonde, 22-year-olds who are all “so ready to be engaged.” I’m the same age as Colton and the only thing I’ve ever been “so ready” for is a very long nap.

The self-proclaimed “Nut” just straight up asks Colton why tf he’s still a virgin. I love when he tells this story because it’s just so false. I just don’t believe that a young, blond, conventionally attractive PRO FOOTBALL player has never even seen a vagina before. Like, this is the most far-fetched thing The Bachelor has ever tried to sell me. And this whole “I didn’t have the time to date because football” is also ridiculous. He dated Aly Raisman for, like, a year and the honestly couldn’t find any alone time with her? WHAT IS THE TRUTH, COLTON?

Miss North Carolina gets the first kiss of the evening and it’s the first time in Bachelor history that a person from my home state hasn’t embarrassed me on national television. Bravo. I, mean, the bar was set at Jenna so it wasn’t real high to begin with, but still.

THIS SLOTH GIRL THOUGH. I will say her commitment to the part is admirable, though it’s making me want to shoot her. I think Colton gets the joke now…

Okay, I totally expected Catherine, the professional DJ and low-key Jean Ralphio of the season, to be p annoying, but all she does is talk about her dog and that would literally be me on this show. Unfortunately for Catherine, she commits the heinous offense of talking to Colton more than once and the other girls are piiiissed.

ONYEKA:

HAHA. Okay, I’m team Onyeka. I don’t like how self-righteous she is, but I’ll forgive her if she delivers more one-liners like that.

Onyeka confronts Catherine about talking to Colton more than once. She’s like “That’s not cool girl,” but then she hugs her? I’m confused. I’m guessing Catherine is too, because she immediately steals Colton again and I’m shamelessly hoping there will be a cat fight tonight. Anything not to have to see any more footage of Krystal and The Goose in that hot tub one more time.

Okay, these girls are livid. Onyeka’s like “What the hell? We hugged it out and everything.” Which is my argument when the random I met in the club’s bathroom decides to invite her actual friend into the stall with her and not me.

Normal Hannah gets the first impression rose and it makes sense. I felt like they had the most normal conversation, but sadly this probably won’t end well for her. Literally no one who gets the first impression rose makes it to the end, at least on The Bachelor. Sorry, Han.

The Rose Ceremony

I don’t even have enough energy to do more than just give you the facts so here’s who stays and here’s who goes:

WHO STAYS:

Colton chooses “I Popped Your Cherry” Caitlin, Miss North Carolina, and a girl who literally couldn’t even speak. I’m guess her neckline did all the talking for her. Other notable mentions: the never been kissed girl, Cassie, and the girl faking an Australian accent, who I didn’t even realize was on the show. Like, have we seen her at all this episode? There was so much hype around her and I didn’t even notice her entrance. 

WHO LEAVES:

– Revian. Guess she’ll have to find another way exploit her culture.

– The sloth

– Erin aka “Cinderella”

– Devin

– Tahzjuan

– Laura

– Adrianne “Jane”

And on that note, see you next week betches! Let’s hope week two isn’t as much of a giant waste of time as this week was. Tootles!

Images: Giphy (7); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1)