If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit online.rainn.org.
It’s been less than 48 hours since we crawled across the finish line in Colton’s season of The Bachelor, but ABC is refusing to let us rest. Last night, after a 12-hour Instagram and Facebook blackout that may or may not have taken years off my life, Mike Fleiss and his goons decided to show us all 33 of Hannah B.’s contestants. Can we really not have one day off before thinking about The Bachelorette? I mean, even God got to rest on the seventh day, and he didn’t even have to put up with Colton’s sh*t first.
So, aside from ripping ABC a new asshole for not giving us a break, I seriously need to address these 33 men. WHERE IS ABC FINDING THESE PEOPLE? This roster of dudes is loaded with some serious grenades, and I don’t understand why they were even considered in the first place.
Okay, so I understand that looks aren’t the only important thing in the world, and it seems shallow to judge people based on their appearance. That’s great, but the whole foundation of The Bachelor franchise is hot people falling in love on TV. That’s how it’s always been, and it seems a little unfair to Hannah B. that ABC has suddenly decided to not care about looks. Think about the women on Colton’s season. You had multiple pageant queens, and even if you thought all of them were boring, you can’t really argue that they were hot. What is this double standard between the men and the women? If I have to sit through a season of hot 23-year-olds who can’t form sentences, I at least want some male eye candy to match.
#TheBachelor casting call: BABY PROSTITUTES WANTED#TheBachelorette casting call: looking for some men, job optional, teeth optional
— Dylan Hafer (@50shadesofbetch) March 14, 2019
Along with the lack of effort in casting, ABC clearly invested very little effort and/or money in the official photos of these guys, because they look less legit than my fake ID photo that I took in front of a piece of blue poster board in a dorm hallway. Apparently everyone was given the choice of three different awkward poses—God forbid anyone look happy or relaxed. The teal background is definitely a choice, and by “choice” I mean the local post office was throwing it away so ABC snapped it up. But what’s worse? They couldn’t even be bothered to turn on the lights for some of these guys! Case in point, Connor J.:
Hello ABC, it is 2019! I have better lighting using my iPhone selfie camera in a pitch black room. Where is the production budget!? Hannah B. better be on her A-game when The Bachelorette starts, because ABC is clearly trying to sabotage her season right out of the gate.
We’ll have plenty of time later to roast these guys one at a time once their bios come out, so I’ll limit it to a couple for now. First, please pour one out for this knock-off Nick Viall. He’s allegedly 29 years old, but I do not believe that he doesn’t still live in a frat house.
There are truly too many men here for me to make fun of, but my personal favorite has to be Daron. Look into this man’s eyes and tell me he is not OJ Simpson, I dare you. This season on The Bachelorette, THE JUICE IS LOOSE. Will Kris Jenner make a surprise appearance on a group date? We can only hope.
If you want to see all 33 of these tragic, tragic men, you can click here, because at this point I really can’t think about them anymore. Right now, we just have names, ages, and hometowns, so we’ll be eagerly awaiting to hear more about all of these men and their lame personalities. I bet some of them have great jobs such as “used car salesman”, “dog fight ringleader”, or “unemployed.” Can’t wait to see Hannah’s reaction when they all get out of the limo. If I were her, I’d f*cking run for the hills.
Images: ABC (4); @50shadesofbetch / Twitter
Welcome back Bachelor fans to another week where Colton didn’t jump the fence because that is definitely all I’m watching for at this point. Look, I appreciate that ABC is just trying to build some tension in what would otherwise be a very
blonde boring season of The Bachelor, but I’ve had a day, and was really hoping to watch someone emotionally self-destruct for my viewing pleasure. Is that too much to ask for?? Sighs. Moving on.
This week the crew is headed to Colton’s hometown of Denver, and we know this because Colton talked about it when he recorded another sad, handwritten entry of his vlog. Seriously, what is with the home movie stuff here? ABC spends a disgusting amount of money on production every season and I feel like half of this season has been recorded on Colton’s iPhone.
Colton is still at an emotional crossroads over the truth bomb Katie left him with at the last rose ceremony. If you’ll recall last week, not one, not two, but THREE WOMEN told Colton he’s basically screwing himself with the women he has left on his season.
COLTON: *chooses only hot blondes whose combined age is second semester college senior*
ALSO COLTON: Why is this happening to me?
It’s a mystery, Colton!
Cassie’s like “last week someone told Colton that there were girls here who aren’t ready to be married, which is so false.” Says the girl who is currently wearing a top from Forever21. Please. Spare me your lecture, honey.
Meanwhile, Colton spends some time getting advice from a person who also went through the Bachelor process and came out
on top single and alone: Ben Higgins. Ah, now I see where the budget went for this season, bringing back this reject. First of all, WHY is Colton even getting advice from Ben? It’s not like Ben even has a successful Bachelor story! Second of all, why do I feel like Colton is about to ask him how long he’s supposed to leave it in at the fantasy suite?
This week there’s going to be three one-on-one dates and a group date. Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date because she is not blonde and is old enough to legally rent a car, so I guess Colton wants to at least pretend like he’s considering her for our sake. It’s cute that he still thinks we give a sh*t.
Lol. Okay, who else thinks Colton rented out that dog for their date? I’m pretty sure Sniper was a yellow lab when Becca went home with him last season. Colton, that dog is an imposter!
For their date, Colton wants to show Tayshia all that Denver has to offer, which is apparently an ice cream shop and the food court at the mall. Seriously, where is this heart-to-heart they’re having taking place? In between the Dippin’ Dots and the Sbarro Pizza?
Cut to the house, where Cassie and Caelynn are freaking tf out over Tayshia’s date. They think she’s going to throw them under the bus for not being here for the “right reasons”, which is absolutely what she does. Tayshia tells Colton that Cassie and Caelynn are only there because they want to be the next Bachelorette. You mean to say that the adult woman who still competes in pageants and the girl who’s already been on one reality tv show before coming on this one might only be in it for the Instagram partnerships?!
Tayshia starts telling Colton a little about her family, and it’s clear that her dad is 100% going to despise Colton if they meet next week. She’s like “it might be tough at first” and it’s like, Tayshia, Colton was scared of
Tia a 5’3 former Miss Weiner, Arkansas, you really think he’s going to make it out of that meet and greet without sh*tting his pants? I don’t think so.
I just vomited in my mouth a little. But I guess Tayshia is into it because he gives her the rose, which is good for me because I’m looking forward to watching Colton wet himself when he meets Tayshia’s dad next week. Should be a good time!
Caelynn also gets some alone time with Colton this week. For their date, he takes her skiing. FYI, Colton, skiing is actually something Denver has to offer unlike that tour of Auntie Anne’s you took Tayshia on. Bravo, you’re learning.
I will say Caelynn looks amazing in her ski gear. If someone asked me to show up on national television wearing six layers of clothes I would look less like a snow bunny and more like that girl who turned into a blueberry at Willy Wonka’s factory.
Colton mentions Tayshia’s concerns to Caelynn and it’s like how FUNNY that he’s having this talk with a girl who supposedly said she wants to be the next Bachelorette when she is COINCIDENTALLY the frontrunner to be the next Bachelorette. Lol. The look on Caelynn’s face rn is all but screaming “did you talk to my producer about that because I thought those conversations were private.”
Honestly, she’s just mad because she needs to at least make it to hometowns to be considered for Bachelorette, and Tayshia is really jeopardizing that for her. I see right through you, girlfriend.
Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton is like “I need more from her this week” as if her baring her personal trauma two weeks ago isn’t enough for him. Like, what more do you want this girl to share with you??
CAELYNN: I’ve shed so many tears over you
COLTON: You shed tears for me?
Why do I feel like he’s going to go home and beat one out to that statement?
Colton gives Caelynn a rose, so she’ll be going to hometowns as well. He thinks that she’s ready to get engaged because she said it and with a straight face and everything. Oh, Colton. You stupid f*cking oaf. You deserve the girlfriend who’s contractually obligated to stay with you for 2-3 months you’ll get at the end of this.
Back at the house, Caelynn tells Cassie about the Tayshia backstab and Cassie looks piiiissed. How DARE Tayshia try and sabotage your Sugar Bear Hair deal, and when you’ve let Colton feel you up for the last three episodes and everything!
CASSIE: Are my words going to be twisted too??
If by “twisted” you mean “taken verbatim from your mouth,” then you f*cking bet they are, Cassie!
ALABAMA HANNAH’S DATE
Alabama Hannah gets the next one-on-one date and Colton picks her up in a $90k car?! HE’S SO GENUINE YOU GUYS. So down to earth and chill.
I guess Colton ran out of fun Denver things for Hannah to do because he just takes her to his house. Hannah looks so excited about meeting his parents but I sort of feel like this is the kiss of death for her. It’s never good if they meet the parents before the final two.
Okay Colton and his dad look exactly alike except his dad actually looks masculine. Honestly, Mr. Underwood, you can call me!
Also, I love that he’s getting advice on how to have a successful marriage from a guy who’s been divorced. I can’t wait to see how this advice works out for you, Colton!
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Alabama Hannah shows up dressed like the South has risen again. Like, what is she wearing?! It’s like she recycled her slutty Scarlett O’Hara costume from college for this date.
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Hannah Brown | The Bachelor | Season 23 Episode 7 — •Rachel Zoe Dress – $595.00 •Several Similar Items Under $50 Listed on TheStyleSpotter.com — Purchase Link, Info & Similar Items: TheStyleSpotter.com ? (Link in bio!) • • • • #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelorette #thebachelorette #beccakufrin #louisvuitton #nordstrom #liketoknowit #fashionblog #shopstyle #fashionblogger #taylorswift #selenagomez #arianagrande #celebrity #celebritystyle #tv #bachelornation #coltonunderwood #willyouacceptthisrose #rose #roseceremony #bachelorabc #bachelorwatchparty #rachelzoe
OMG. IS HE SENDING HER HOME?? I don’t get Colton. Hannah is legit the only girl to admit she has any feelings for him other than mild attraction and so he sends her home?? Honestly, I’m done with you, Colton.
THE GROUP DATE
The last group date of 2019 is here and it is tense. Cassie, Hannah G, Kirpa, and Josie Grossy are all fighting for the last two hometown spots. Colton decides that there’s no better way to break the tension than by taking the girls to tweetsie railroad! It’s funny that’s the exact same ploy I used when the two girls I used to babysit would fight, but okay.
Okay, how many times is Colton going to get dumped this season? Josie Grossy sends herself home and this is just so the opposite of The Bachelor. So, what? They’re all just gonna dump him and he’s stuck with whoever is left at the end? Like, is this The Bachelor or a week of me going on Hinge dates?
Colton confronts Cassie about the commitment rumors and she can barely string together a coherent sentence to defend herself. She’s like “there’s no truth to those rumors except don’t check the dailies, k?”
I will say she’s saying all the right things, not that it’s going to take much to convince Colton to keep her. She’s like “I wouldn’t bring you home if I didn’t feel this was real” which is basically code for “my sister is trying to be an actress and you coming into my house would really go a long way to getting her a SAG card.”
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton immediately decides that Hannah G looks amazing and apparently that’s enough for him to want to meet her family. He gives her a rose. Okay, is it just me or does Hannah G just embody the idea of “sit still look pretty.” Like I cannot believe this girl has made it all the way to hometowns when she has shown zero personality, barely spoken any words, and gotten involved in no drama. I’m astounded.
Okay WHAT. Is Caelynn seriously going to CRASH their date rn and help out her competition? This right here is why you placed but didn’t win at Miss America, Caelynn!!
Caelynn gives a very vague speech about following your heart and it’s exactly the excuse Colton was looking for to send Kirpa home without looking like a piece of sh*t, so he does.
He’s like “before this week I just wasn’t sure who was here for me and who was here for Instagram but now I just don’t care!” At least you’re being honest with yourself, Colton.
And that’s a wrap for this week, kids! ABC didn’t even attempt to tease the fence jumping scene for next week’s episode which means we have at least two more weeks until someone has an emotional breakdown on our screens and I’m not pleased AT ALL. But then again, what else is new?
Images: Giphy (4); @cassierandolph /Instagram (1); @the_style_spotter /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
It’s an inconvenient truth that many reality stars have been on more than one show. Stassi Schroeder was on The Amazing Race before she became your favorite member of the Witches of WeHo, Cameran Eubanks was on The Real World before she was Shep’s unrequited love on Southern Charm, and Colton Underwoods’s favorite just-the-tip partner, Cassie, was on a reality series called Young Once. I’m shocked! Scandalized! Offended! Actually, I’m kidding. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but reality stars all just want to be famous, and they’ll go on as many shows as it takes. My apologies if you’re the last person on Earth who thought Bachelor contestants were there for “the right reasons.” Have they told you about the tooth fairy yet? I sure hope so. Fictional concepts aside, here’s what I was able to learn about Cassie’s reality show, Young Once.
Young Once describes itself as a “television docuseries which follows a group of students from one of North America’s most conservative schools, where alcohol, drugs and sex are off-limits. Woven between the campus pranks, romances and finals, is a funny and endearing coming-of-age story that doesn’t take itself too seriously but shows the depth and contemplative nature of the students.” Sounds boring af. Wait. Does this mean that if if no one is having sex you can call your reality show a “docuseries?” Mike Fleiss, you can change the marketing for this season. The Bachelor: Colton Edition is definitely a docuseries. BURN.
So here’s the deal. The first season of Young Once aired in 2016 and followed Cassie and her boyfriend at the time, Caelan (not to be confused with Caelynn), as they drank virgin piña coladas, watched Leave it to Beaver, and dry humped on an IKEA couch, exclaiming, “the contract says this is okay!” I paraphrased that quote, and most of their activities, but according to all the lovelies on the bachelor subreddit, students do have to sign a no-sex contract. (Please don’t tell my dad those exist!) That no-sex contract sounds worse than the contract I signed for my shoebox Upper West Side apartment, and that one required me to cook on a hot plate for a year. Then, in 2018, Cassie and Caelan went back and filmed season 2, which is airing now and follows Cassie and her slightly tweaked face as she and Caelan are at a crossroads in their relationship. Spoiler alert: the relationship ends.
As people got wind of this show airing at the same time as The Bachelor and featuring Cassie with a maybe-boyfriend, Bachelor Nation was naturally up in arms. They will not abide a contestant dating more than one person at a time! It’s only okay when the leads do it! So Cassie and Caelan each addressed the controversy on Instagram, the People magazine of millennials. Let’s take a look:
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I’m posting this here so no words can be misconstrued. As many know, my ex girlfriend is currently a contestant on the tv show The Bachelor. The both of us have also appeared on a documentary series called Young Once. The show catches you up on our lives as the first season was shot at Biola University while we were still going to school there. They happened to catch the closing of mine and Cassie’s on and off relationship during the recording of this show. Make no mistake that Young Once was filmed before The Bachelor, and the fact that they are airing at the same time is a strategy to attract viewers. Both Cassie and I made mistakes in our relationship, but I think we’d both agree it dragged out much too long anyways. This is because I persistently pursued a reunion and she knowingly kept the door open at times because of indecisiveness, neither of which matters because it has been over for good since before she went on The Bachelor. However, it can be said without a doubt that her and I were not a fit for each other. Also, I’m sure there are millions of breakups that have lasted longer than they should have and nobody should be held at fault for that. The reality of the situation is that Cassie is a great girl. Her decision to go on The Bachelor was a decisive moment in my life to move forward so why couldn’t it serve as that for her as well? If I met my dream girl a month after our final closing this summer that would just be how God had it planned for me. Nobody has the right to tell her whether or not she has good intentions. So although the full truth may not be out…not everybody’s business needs to be on reality tv. Cassie will eventually explain her side and I endorse whatever she says because there is no reason for her to hide the truth. I wish her nothing but success and happiness moving forward. I post this because of the outlets who reached out to hear “my side” and because I heard Cassie was receiving a lot of negativity for our past relationship. I thought this would be the best way to preserve the truth and encourage the trolls to check themselves before tearing down a good human being. Life is about moving forward, not dwelling on the past ?
Oh hi, Caelan, you’re cute! Want to replace a Bachelor I know? In his post, Caelan basically says that Young Once was filmed before The Bachelor, and the fact that they are airing at the same time is “a strategy to attract viewers.” No duh. And you posting about this show is also “a strategy to attract viewers.” Ain’t nobody better than anybody else here, pal! The rest is basically a boring company line, so let’s take one more look at his pretty face instead.
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2018…you had your moments, but you were also filled with disappointment and tough life lessons. However, these low points helped close chapters that were long overdue and now there is no place else to look but up ?? 2019, here’s to trusting in God’s plan more than ever before! Have a safe and happy New Year everyone!
Caelan’s explanation is pretty much what you would expect from any PR person. Cassie’s explanation, on the other hand, is very suspicious. Let’s analyze.
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I’m getting a lot of questions about my ex and a docuseries we filmed before Bachelor. While I don’t feel it is necessary that I share all the details, a lot of people are curious and the worst thing is false rumors. I didn’t want to address this without his permission, but he posted about it today so I think it’s good if I do too. Caelan and I dated all through college and in 2015 we filmed Young Once. A while after our breakup we put our past behind us and became friends again. We share a lot of mutual friends and he is close to my family. We both dated other people and had moved on. While we were never officially a couple again, there was a time last spring that we considered getting back together, but that didn’t work out. I was open to staying friends, but he understandably thought this was too hard. Just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean we now hate each other and don’t care about the other. It just wasn’t right for us. Since I was the one saying we couldn’t be together, this was extra hard for him. Relationships are complicated and navigating isn’t usually straight forward. We were on and off for so long that turning it off for good was a difficult decision as I truly didn’t want to regret giving up if we were meant to be. But certain things were unhealthy and it became clear we were supposed to move on. Over the summer, unexpectedly and out of the blue, we were contacted by YO and learned they were considering a S2- a follow up on some of the original cast. This again put Caelan and I directly back in each other’s lives as our social circle overlaps. One of the storylines highlighted is our drawn out/complex relationship and the challenges of us staying friends post breakup and whether it is possible or not. We filmed for several weeks prior to Caelan heading to Asia to play pro basketball and before I found out that I was cast for Bachelor. The timing of everything was completely chance. I care very much about Caelan and I want nothing but the best for him and his life. Meanwhile I am back to real life, focusing on grad school, working and trying to remain grounded as I balance this new intense scrutiny of my life.
Okay, a glamour shot. Sure. Very relevant to the caption! Way to take a page out of Jenna’s playbook. I guess Cassie doesn’t want to hurt Colton’s feelings by posting an old picture with someone who has more sex appeal in his left pinky than Colton has in his entire spray-tanned body. Makes sense. Cassie claims that during the second season of Young Once she and Caelan were never a couple again, and I can’t dispute this fact since I never watched this show, never will, and I think she knows that. Clever.
What I would like to point out is that Cassie claims they filmed before she knew she was going on The Bachelor. OH, REALLY? Because according to Reality Steve, Young Once was filmed TWO WEEKS before Cassie went on The Bachelor. If you believe she didn’t know she was going on The Bachelor at that point, then you must also believe that the world is flat, and that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting back together, and I believe that I don’t want to know you. I understand Cassie not wanting to look like a two-timer, but didn’t that conservative Christian college tell you thou shalt not lie? Or did they forget that lesson while they were busy policing the students’ drinking habits?
And that’s Young Once! Have any of you actually watched it? Do I dare tear my eyes away from Russian Doll to give it a chance? Let me know!
Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy; caelantiongson, cassierandolph/Instagram
Week FIVE! Week FIVE, Week FIVE!!!! I’m solely excited because if my math is correct, I believe that we’re closer to the end of the season than we are the beginning. I’m not actually sure that’s the case, but it for sure makes these Mondays easier to digest thinking that Colton’s season is over soon. Okay, let’s see how annoying this Monday’s events were.
Monday’s episode kicks off with the girls leaving Singapore (no doubt in my mind they got kicked out the country for extreme boredom) and heading to Thailand, which, due to the cheap dates on this season, I wouldn’t be surprised if they took the Megabus. After settling in the new country, a date card shows up and it presents our “Never Been Kissed” friend Heather (who will be referred to as “NBK” from here on out) with a one-on-one date. Dressed in a shirt that could only be made by Waze or Google Maps, Colton and Heather take a boat tour looking at cliffs and water. I’ll spare you the cliffhanger, this is as exciting as this date gets.
Back at the Thailand Holiday Inn Express, Elyse starts to wonder why she doesn’t get a one-on-one every time, and all the girls look at her like she’s crazy. Newsflash Elyse: You signed up for The Bachelor. Quick synopsis of how this show works: 30 girls makeout with the same guy for 2 months, and the girl with the least chapped lips at the end wins. If you want something that’s cut and dry, the show “Deal or No Deal” has your name written all over it.
Continuing on their date, we see the two lamest people look at each other’s lips, realizing that they have zero experience with using them outside of blowing out candles. When I tell you this date was bad to watch, it was at the point that I started to envy every blind person. ABC continues to play up the “Will She Lose Her Kissing Virginity?” and at this point, we don’t know if she will or not. They then go to dinner and Heather talks about how at one point she was ready to kiss someone but wasn’t sure if he was the right one. Heather is definitely that woman at Whole Foods that touches all 400 available bananas and then comes back the next day to see the next shipment.
Heather: “I’ve wanted to kiss someone, but I didn’t know if they were the person for me.”
Heather, you’re just kissing someone, not co-signing a mortgage for them.#theBachelor
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 5, 2019
Moving the awkwardness to the beach, ABC throws the biggest “hurry the f*ck up” signal by launching fireworks into the sky, and Colton then takes Heather’s kissing virginity. If this is the direction the franchise is moving, can we at least move this show to Nick @ Nite?
Elyse is back at the hotel getting dressed in her makeshift Tinkerbell costume from college, knowing that she needs to talk to Colton the minute he gets back. She walks to his villa in a country where she’s never been before wearing heels—that in itself signifies that this girl gives ZERO f*cks. She then goes on about how she wants to take things slow and she wants to know the stupid silly things Colton does, like tucking his pants in his socks. She then realizes this show isn’t for her and quickly walks into the darkness off the set of The Bachelor. The best things about going home in that dress? TSA can see right through it, so she won’t have to empty her pockets.
The next group date (Tayshia, Kirpa, Caelyyn, Hannah B, Demi, Sydney, Hannah G., Kate, Nicole, Onyeka) takes place where Destiny’s Child filmed the “Survivor” video. Yes, they are in the JUNGLE. They have a tour guide that shows them around, and he talks about how he survived in the jungle his whole life. After lessons from the Boy Scout-Thailand division on how not to die, the girls are split up into teams to find and create their own survival kit. Tayshia creatively devises time to get alone time for her and Colton, while Demi and her team bring back Champagne and burgers. It’s worth mentioning that Postmates can deliver to the middle of the jungle in Thailand, but can’t get to the second floor of my condo building…
We get to the night portion of the date, and things start to heat up. (Not really hot though, so don’t get your hopes up.) Onyeka tells Colton that before Elyse left, she mentioned to her that Nicole was only there to try to “get out of Miami.” Says who?? That right there is a lie. If you’ve ever been to Miami, you know that you get KICKED out of Miami, you don’t just leave. The amount of targets that Onyeka now has on her has left the retail chain looking at her as their new spokesperson. Colton asks Nicole about this rumor, and she lets him know that she signed a 2-year lease and she can’t leave. Tayshia backs up Nicole’s story, and Onyeka realizes that she messed up, especially since Nicole was her ride home from the airport after filming. Hannah B. gets the group date rose, and the only thing we’re left wondering is what Nicole is going to use Onyeka’s hair on fire.
That’s a lie!! I’ve been to Miami…..aint NOBODY trying to leave. #theBachelor
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 5, 2019
By process of elimination, Cassie has the one-on-one date, and she’s beyond giddy. Following the boat theme, they go out on the sea and end up on this private island that is the size of a vanilla wafer. They end up making out non-stop and there’s not much else. Oh but wait! Colton fumbles a lot of things like footballs and conversations….but what he didn’t fumble is that BOOTY grab that Cassie enjoyed. The island date isn’t much more than her asking production for more Burt’s Bees because Colton sucked it all off.
Later in the night, Colton and Cassie continue to vibe, and you can tell they have that AP Chemistry. Cassie opens up about how being on the show is making her life now open to the public and extremely vulnerable. Well Cassie, if you told your mom you were going to audition to be on Jeopardy!, she gonna be UPSET when she finds out the truth. They then have a nightcap in Colton’s bed, which STILL could be on ABC Family because no skin was shown.
Cocktail Party time hints that maybe we finally get some drama. Nicole gets one last chance to plead her case with Colton to reassure him, and in the midst she tries to pull Onyeka under the bus with her, stating that Onyeka threatened her several times. In an argument between Nicole and Onyeka that can only be rivaled by sibling girls in a house with one bathroom, these girls argue so loud that it interrupts Colton’s other dates and causes him stress. Yes, the man who hasn’t had sex is NOW finally stressed out. We end the episode with Colton walking out on the two arguing, and him realizing that he has to throw out yet another box of expired condoms. Talk about stressful.
All I know is that both these girls need to go home. On Spirit Airlines. In a middle seat.
Images: Diggy Moreland / Twitter (2); Giphy
Welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read, according to me and the select few friends I’ve
blackmailed strongly encouraged to endorse me in the comments section. I’m just going to jump right into the recap this week because, y’all, it took a dark turn. Normally when I watch this show my emotions range from “mildly entertained” to “looking up how to get away with arson in LA” but this week was a little bit different. I felt things that I did not think my cold, dead heart could ever actually feel. Like, I may have cried a little. And not even just because I ran out of wine!
We’re starting this week off strong already. It’s three minutes in and Chris Harrison is already throwing insults at the most emotionally fragile girl in the house: Alabama Hannah.
CHRIS HARRISON: How are you feeling about last week, Caelynn?
ALABAMA HANNAH: Um, my name is Hannah…
CHRIS. MY GOD. He definitely just got a bonus for mixing up their names on purpose. I hope your new timeshare in St. Lucia was worth it!
This week the ladies are headed to Singapore! I guess none of the contestants have any outstanding issues with the law this season and are actually allowed to travel outside of the United States. I’m pretty sure at this time during Becca’s season the crew was heading off to the exotic and enchanting locale that is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, so, like, that’s where the bar was at. They’re already exceeding my expectations as to how this season would go. Brava, ladies.
Lol they’re staying at The Fairmont?? This is a far cry from the Crazy Rich Asians fantasy I’m sure Colton was picturing when production told him where they were going. You know that bish loves a good rom-com.
The One-On-One Date
Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date and I’m shocked because I literally have no idea who this girl is. Is she one of the young ones or the old ones? And by “old” I mean of legal drinking age but still legally allowed to be on her parents’ insurance.
I love how Colton is like “I’m not sure about her” and then decides the only way he’ll be able to find out is by forcing her to jump off a bridge. They’re going bungee jumping for their date, and this is the stuff of nightmares. I absolutely do not trust that ABC wouldn’t “accidentally” forget to buckle something in an attempt to get better ratings.
Jesus. Colton is acting like such a girl right now I can’t. He looks like he might cry and it’s like, production already made you go to second base with Tia in Mexico, don’t pretend like jumping off a bridge is something you totally wouldn’t do for more Instagram followers. Tbh if I was Tayshia I’d let Colton go and then I’d be like “see ya never dude” and find some rich guy at the Four Seasons. You don’t need this sh*t, girlfriend.
TAYSHIA: He just sounded like a little girl.
AHAHAHHAHAHA. She did not just say that! Colton, that was not cute. He definitely just sharted in his pants. That’s why they immediately cut to them hanging out in the water, so we wouldn’t notice any stains on the seat of his trunks.
Ah, I was wondering when we’d get to the sob story portion of the evening. Tayshia says her life hasn’t been all roses because she recently went through a divorce, which definitely explains why someone who seems so down-to-earth and put together would be on this show. It’s all making sense now. I guess there’s nothing like sticking it to your ex by getting hot and heavy with a virgin on prime time television?
COLTON: Wow, I had such a blast tonight dissecting your emotional baggage.
God Colton, at least PRETEND like her heartbreak isn’t giving you a hard-on right now. Tayshia gets the rose and also another reason for her ex-husband to get the dog in their custody battle. I hope your sub-par makeout session with Colton was worth it!
The Group Date
The group date is up next and it starts with Colton lamenting over having to balance 13 relationships at once. Oh cry me a f*cking river, we know you blackmailed Mike Fleiss to get on this show, so smile and shut up.
Okay, Demi is bold. She’s jumping up on Colton’s back, getting sketches of the two of them made, and pretty much acting like the two of them are on their own date. The other girls in the house are pissed because she’s stealing all of the attention, but honestly she’s playing the game right. She’s trying to make the most of her limited time with Colton and I don’t think that’s wrong. #TeamDemi
For the group date Colton wants to show them the wonders of Singapore and takes them to a back alley harem. I wish I was joking. Okay, this is f*cking terrifying. Like, is this place even up to code? Do we know where these leeches have been? Because, yes, you heard me right. Colton is making them put LEECHES on themselves. As if draining their dignities week to week wasn’t enough, now they gotta give up their blood too.
For the next part of the date, Colton takes the girls to a street fair where he suggests they all try some of the local cuisine. Again, this is definitely something he saw and loved on Crazy Rich Asians. Also, I love that he’s forcing these girls to ingest fried frog legs. This is such a great crossover Fear Factor/The Bachelor episode!
At the cocktail party, Alabama Hannah is quick to be the first one to grab Colton. She’s trying to interrogate him about their relationship whilst wearing the most offensive jumpsuit I’ve ever seen. Hannah, why do you do things like this?
Okay, yes, I’m glad we’re addressing this. Back at the street fair an Asian fortune teller told Colton and Cassie that they were brother and sister in a past life and Colton is EATING it up. He’s like “I really believe in that stuff you know?”
Oh GOD. Demi opens up about her mother getting out of prison but I can’t take her seriously. She looks like a life-size Bratz doll right now.
Courtney is pissed that Demi keeps getting time with Colton, and it’s like, first of all, who even are you? Second of all, this is the f*cking Bachelor! You literally signed up for this sh*t. She confronts Demi and tries to tell her she’s being immature, but Demi isn’t the one pouting about not getting screen time…
DEMI: You have the right to feel that way, and I have the right to not care.
^^My official motto from now until the end of time.
Demi gets the group date rose because no one else had more emotional baggage than her. Thanks, mom!!
The Second One-On-One Date
Caelynn has the second one-on-one date and I don’t care what Colton said to get to second base with Alabama Hannah last night, this is a big f*ck you to her. I would not be surprised if in between montages of them making out the camera cuts to Alabama Hannah stress-eating her hair by the pool.
Colton tells Caelynn that today is all about treating her as if he will actually be using his own money on this date. Please.
Jesus. He really is living out his Crazy Rich Asians fantasy. He takes Caelynn on a shopping spree at what I can only assume is the Forever 21 of Singapore? I’m alarmed at the dresses they’re pulling. Like, I’ve never seen trash like that before and I’ve sat through three weeks of Demi’s rose ceremony outfits…
Cut to the cocktail party, and Caelynn tells us she has a story she needs to tell Colton. Grab your tissues now.
Okay, this… took a dark turn. Caelynn says she was sexually assaulted in college, which is absolutely horrifying.
Colton brings up how he used to date someone who was sexually abused and he has to be talking about Aly Raisman, right? I’m kind of not okay with that. That’s her story to tell.
Honestly, I don’t want to say anything else about this. I feel horrible that this happened to Caelynn and I’m glad she’s being open and honest about it. I’m glad her voice is being heard and she’s advocating for sexual assault victims. That said, I don’t know how I feel about ABC capitalizing off of it…
Caelynn gets the rose, and I get another box of tissues.
The Rose Ceremony
Demi, still riding off the high of her group date rose, gives an impassioned speech about how every girl should get some time with Colton. She’s like “I’m gonna talk to him and so should you and I don’t want to hear boo about it.” Lol. I’m sure this won’t at all result in her getting flung into the pool by an angry mob of hair extensions.
Colton slinks off with the girl who got the First Impression Rose night one. I legit forgot this girl even existed and I guess so did Colton because he’s like “so what’s up?” Lol this girl is a DUD. No wonder she hasn’t gotten any screen time since.
Hannah G is like “tonight he acknowledged me in the biggest way ever” YEAH, HIS HAND ON YOUR ASS. Dream big.
Uh oh. Caelynn pulls Alabama Hannah aside to “talk” because she wants to bury the drama between them.
CAELYNN: I just want this experience to be enjoyable for both of us.
Lol they think being on The Bachelor should be enjoyable?? Oh, sweetie, no.
Okay, this feud between Demi and Courtney is out of control. Demi tells Colton that Courtney is the “cancer of the house”, which feels like a GROSS exaggeration, but okay. Courtney then turns around and starts sh*t talking Demi to Colton. Girls, girls, girls. When will you get it through your bleached heads that talking sh*t about other contestants to the lead never works out in your favor??
Courtney tells Colton that Demi used the word “game” when talking about their relationship, and it’s like, why is it a bad thing? This is kind of a numbers game until the end. You’re competing for attention. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT.
Final rose count: Old Tracy and Courtney both get sent home, and honestly that feels like the right outcome. Though I’ll take any outcome where my eyeballs won’t be subjected to another week of Tracy’s “daring” fashion choices.
Well, y’all, I’m emotionally spent (and so is the wine) soooo I’m outtie! See you betches next week. Xo.
Images: Giphy (5); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @tracyshapoff /Instagram (1)
We are currently living the most dramatic Bachelor season of all time. Not only do we have a virgin Bachelor and women over the age of 30 (gasp!), but we also have a good old fashioned vague fight between acquaintances. We are not WORTHY of this drama. That’s right, on Monday night’s interminable episode, it was revealed that our two toddlers in tiaras, Hannah B and Caelynn, have an ongoing feud. About what, we don’t know. I swear, this fight was harder for me to understand than Richard Madden’s accent in Bodyguard. So what really went down between Hannah B and Caelynn? Lucky for all of you, I have an insatiable appetite for Instagram stalking coupled with a touch of insomnia. So shall we dive in?
Let’s start at the beginning. Hannah B and Caelynn were roommates during the Miss USA pageant in May 2018. Hannah B was Miss Alabama because she’s a pretty blonde girl who could only speak the words “roll tide!” up until the age of 22 (the doctors were very concerned), and Caelynn was Miss North Carolina because she clearly couldn’t win in Virginia she is very into the history of aviation! At that time they seemed to like each other, since they both popped up on the other’s Instagrams.
If I had to make my decision right now on who is the bitch in the situation, I would say it’s Hannah B. Because look at that lovely photo Caelynn posted of them. Everyone is wearing a crown, and they’re fresh out the spray tan booth, glowing like the queens they are. Then take a look at the one Hannah posted.
View this post on Instagram
Y’all, I’m still not over this DC trip @rpmproductions took last week! Just one of the opportunities I am so thankful for from this experience as @missalusa. A lot of times I take for granted the value of “the crown”. I just see Hannah as a struggling hot mess that seems to make it work (praise with Jesus’ help) , but I have been given the coolest position of influence to spread joy, peace, and grace! This trip amplified to me how incredible this opportunity is and to always remember *whether wearing a crown or not* that I have a responsibility and a calling to be light. always. so let’s shine bright like diamonds. or rhinestones.✨????????????♀️#missalusa #alabamahannah #brownforthecrown #missusa #roadtomissusa #belight
She and the other girls in the picture have their extensions freshly blown out, and are wearing their sluttiest boss bitch pumps. And then Caelynn’s got her hair pulled up like she’s just coming from her third spin class of the day and is wearing my grandmother’s orthopedic loafers. If this isn’t low-key sabotage, then I don’t know what is.
Caelynn after seeing the Insta Hannah posted:
Unfortunately, I could only find friendly posts between the two of them on Instagram. It would have made my life so much easier if they just called each other fugly sluts in a screenshotted Notes App post like us normal people do, but I guess I’ll just have to keep digging. SUCH a burden.
At some point after Miss USA, the girls had a falling out. They both called each other manipulative and deceitful and whatever other words they found listed under “synonyms for bitch” on Google. Neither one had a shred of evidence or an example of what the other did to them. Huh. This sounds strangely like every grudge I’ve been holding for the last 15 years. Whatever, I’m sure the people I hate deserve it. Yes, yes, Michelle is DEFINITELY the worst. I’m sure of it.
Okay so obviously I’m thinking one slept with the other’s boyfriend, right? And they just don’t want to say this to the Virgin Mary Colton? Without confirmation, I went to the source of all Bachelor gossip, Reality Steve. And even he doesn’t know! In his post about the episode, he says that he has heard that Caelynn is the bad guy, and he’s heard that Hannah is the bad guy. Well that solves that!! Thanks so much sweetie!! He did say one interesting thing though, which is that Hannah was cast first on the show, and then when they heard that she had this drama with Caelynn, Caelynn was cast. Hold. The. Phone. So you mean to tell me that the producers don’t care about love they care about drama?! I won’t believe it.
In a last-ditch effort for answers, I headed over to Reddit, since those gossip-loving superstars know everything—like, they could legit tell you who the Zodiac killer is. It’s bonkers. Yesterday on r/thebachelor subreddit someone doing the lord’s work gathered all the info about the feud into one thread. Unfortunately, no one can really say what happened between the two girls, but fortunately everyone did seem to have evidence that Caelynn is a mean girl who ditches events she got paid to do to go bar hopping instead. Sorry, is that a bad thing? Because that’s like, my dream profession. How old is too old to start doing pageants?
And so I guess we’ll never know what really happened with Hannah B and Caelynn until they sell the story to People magazine, ever. But what I do know for sure is that this feud will go down in history. Like Taylor and Kanye, and Donald and Nancy, we will never forget that blonde pageant girl and that brunette pageant girl.
Images: ABC; @caelynnmillerkeyes, @itsalabamahannah/Instagram; Giphy
Welcome back, friends, to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! For those of you who missed last week’s episode, congratulations! That’s three hours of your life that you didn’t have to watch Shirley’s sh*tty viewing party in Lansing, Michigan. For those of you who did watch, and mistakenly thought that the only reason ABC would hold us all hostage like that for three goddamn hours would be so we could actually see footage from Colton’s season, well, at least we were drunk. I mean, I was drunk. Anyway, moving on. This week, I only feel slightly confident that Ashley I. isn’t going to pop out of the closest bush armed with a microphone and a random couple who were allotted 90 seconds of tonight’s program to get engaged in between Colton’s dates. I’m feeling even less confident about the amount of virginity jokes we’ll be hearing. So shall we get started?
And here we f*cking go with the virginity jokes. The episode opens with Colton sitting shirtless on a bed talking about how tonight, everyone will have to reveal their firsts. This should be good. Why do I have a feeling Demi’s is going to involve a loaded gun and a four-wheeler?
Cut to the Bachelor mansion, where Chris Harrison has the NERVE to ask the women how their first night went. My emotional state after what ABC put me through last week is somewhere around “bought the lighter fluid” and “Googled directions to ABC studios” but, yes, let’s check in with the ladies who actually signed up to be there to see how they’re doing.
The First Group Date
Moving on to the first group date. The women are whisked away to a theater, only to find Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman standing on the stage. I’m sorry, WHAT? First of all, Megan Mullally, you are better than this. Second of all, Nick, what would Ron Swanson say if he could see you now?
The girls have to get on stage and describe their most significant “firsts” in their lives, but it doesn’t have to be about their virginities! God, why would you even think that?? No, it can be any “first” they want to talk about, though I have a feeling if it’s not at least vaguely sexual, or won’t somehow bring shame and dishonor to their family name, then they’ll be asked to “rework” the material.
I’m still not over the fact that Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman are on this show. Like, how and why. I thought their careers were doing well! I know they have a new book out, because Nick is practically waving it in front of the camera rn. Is this about book sales? Hmm? Because I’m happy to buy your book, Megan and Nick, if it means you’ll stop debasing yourself for ABC on national f*cking television.
Okay, this date is already making me wish I were dead. The girls are all busy trying to figure out which of their insecurities they should exploit in front of millions of people for a chance with a man who could solve a Rubik’s Cube easier than he could find their clit. Good luck, ladies!
Demi thinks she’s got it in the bag because she’s got “stories”, which definitely means she’s going to talk about her jailbird mom. Honestly, I admire her shamelessness.
(Sidenote: Is it just me, or is Demi a dead ringer for Amma from Sharp Objects? The 13-year-old who murders small children and keeps their teeth for her dollhouse? Sorry, spoiler.)
Like, this girl looks SO young. ABC, can we get an ID check? Please.
Colton is up first, and he immediately starts in on his “the first time I told people I was a virgin” story. The crowd is eating it up, too. They’re looking at him like he said he just survived cancer and not like he just survived some mild locker room bullying. COME ON, PEOPLE! He doesn’t even have a hymen!
Elyse gets up there and admits that she’s the first one in her 30s, and gets an immediate standing ovation from the audience.
DEMI: She’s, like, so brave for sharing her story.
ME, A PERSON THREE YEARS AWAY FROM HER THIRTIES: OLD PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO, YOU F*CKING BITCH.
Demi is the last one to go on stage, and she launches into a story about how she wants to kiss her crush for the first time AND THEN SHE GRABS COLTON BY THE FACE AND KISSES HIM. Omg. That’s the boldest thing I’ve ever seen on this show. I just clapped in my apartment.
Cut to the cocktail party afterwards and the women are livid. They can’t believe Demi would just kiss someone against their will and it’s like, did you ladies even watch Paradise this summer? Women kissing Colton against his will is kind of in his contract. *cough* Tia *cough, cough*
Oh sh*t. Demi just touched the group date rose and she might be hanged for this. She better pray Onyeka left her whistle at home.
Watching Colton flirt is making me so uncomfortable. Like, he’s gay right? He practically just snapped his fingers in a Z formation when he was complimenting Elyse on her stage performance. “Teach me something, honey” are literally words that just came out of his mouth.
Tracy confronts Demi about touching the rose and it’s much like the conversation my mother had with me in college when she asked me to untag myself from Kappa Sig’s Halloween party pics.
TRACY: And I’m not mad at you I’m just disappointed in you, you know? Please do better.
DEMI: Totally. I’m totally sorry.
Elyse gets the group date rose and I’m a little shocked. She didn’t even really say anything to Colton? I guess he must really be into that power reversal she insinuated.
Alabama Hannah gets the first one-on-one date of the season, which feels random but okay. Ah, wait. There it is. Apparently it’s Hannah’s birthday, which I’m sure didn’t play a role AT ALL in her getting the first one-on-one date.
ALABAMA HANNAH: Did you know it’s my birthday today??
COLTON: Is it? That explains why producers made me pick you…
Okay, this date is soooo painful to watch. Colton strings together a very basic sentence for a toast and asks her to do the same, only she’s acting like he just asked her to perform brain surgery on that chaise lounge. Just say “cheers” or something! My god!
Wowowowowow she doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together, does she? They’re just sitting there in complete silence while she’s struggling to come up with literally anything to say. OMG. ROLL TIDE ROLL. DID SHE REALLY JUST SAY THAT. “Happy birthday to me” and “Roll tide roll” are the only words her poor little pea-sized brain could come up with. Someone needs to give this girl a drink. Or ten. SOS. She needs some serious help.
COLTON: You feel like you have to be perfect, and I get it. I felt like I had to be perfect. And look at me now? I’m
ABC’s tool the Bachelor. Feel better?
ALABAMA HANNAH: ….yes?
Alabama Hannah decides that she’ll open up by asking Colton about his virginity. SERIOUSLY. That’s all you’ve got?? She was so unbelievably awkward this entire date, and she thought asking the most personal question possible would be the way to remedy that??
Hannah gets the rose, but only because it’s her birthday. There’s no other reason she makes it another week after that date. ABC is not about to dump a pageant queen on her birthday. They save that sh*t for the finale.
The Second Group Date
Moving on to the second group date. The girls are invited to “Camp Bachelor” where they play Red Rover and Duck Duck Goose with Colton. If we didn’t know he was a virgin before, we certainly do now after watching this 12-year-old boy’s pre-pubescent fantasy dream date. Like, he hasn’t even graduated to the truth or dare phase of life yet!
Billy Eichner shows up and again I have to ask, why though? I thought he was doing okay for himself? Like, what does ABC have on these people to make them humiliate themselves like this on national television?
Whoop, there it is.
BILLY EICHNER: Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor.
BILLY EICHNER: …..
ALL OF AMERICA: …..
COLTON: ….Ha ha good one!
Billy Eichner, ladies and gentlemen, saying what we all want to say.
Shockingly, the girls are not just at Camp Bachelor to babysit Colton. They’re competing for Colton’s attention in some sort of Cheaper By The Dozen camp showdown, and the winners get to spend the night with Colton in the cabin. Exsqueeze me? They get to spend the night with Colton?? On the first date??
Okay, but how much do we think Billy wants to kill himself rn? I can just hear it in his tone as he shouts “spicy mustard” in the middle of the yellow team’s huddle.
The red team wins, and they get to camp out with Colton for the night. So, let me get this straight. The other girls get to go back to the mansion and these girls have to sleep in their clothes in a dirty cabin? Who really won here?
Why do I feel like Colton is going to dump this “never been kissed” girl? I have a feeling he doesn’t want another virgin in the house. He wants to be the only one with a hymen.
Damn, I’m wrong again! Colton gives the group date rose to Heather for “opening up so much.” Lol can you imagine if this girl makes it to the fantasy suite? The camera will pan to a bowl of cherries and all we’ll hear is 10 seconds of Colton grunting and Heather crying in the background. Or was that just my first time? Lol I’m so random!
The Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony
It’s only the second cocktail party of the season and the girls are already a house divided. Demi thinks that the “old” girls are panicking because they haven’t gotten any roses. I just love that Demi thinks 27 is old. To be fair, when I was her age I also thought 27 was ancient, but now I understand that just because you’re pushing 30 and can legally rent a car, that doesn’t mean you still aren’t trash.
Tracy is, like, one glass of champagne away from setting Demi and her closet full of sales rack Wet Seal clothes on fire. She wants to have a moment with Colton, but just as she gets some alone time with him Demi steals him away in a robe.
RANDO IN THE HOUSE:
Actually, she doesn’t. Her mom is in jail, you know this Jocelyn!
Honestly, Tracy is acting insane. I hate to side with a girl who probably just learned how to use a tampon last week, but Demi has a point. She shouldn’t be crying in a corner if she wants to actually get a rose later. Sack up, Tracy!
Final rose count: Angelique, Alex B, Annie, and Erika all get sent home, which feels fair because I can’t recall a single detail about these women.
And that’s all for this week! Tune in again next week when *spoiler alert* Colton will talk about his virginity! I’m sure we’ll all be waiting with bated breath.
Images: ABC; Giphy (6); @abcbachelor /Instagram (1); @itsalabamahannah /Instagram (1)
Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! For my New Year’s resolution I said I was done entertaining toxic relationships, but what do you know? I guess I’m back on my bullsh*t. That’s right, people, my most toxic relationship to date, The Bachelor, is finally back in our lives. I don’t know about y’all, but it feels like I’ve waited longer for this season to air than Colton’s waited to see a vagina. Personally, I can’t wait to watch Chris Harrison explain
that it only hurts the first time the birds and the bees in between rose ceremonies, but I hear that might not even be the most dramatic thing to happen on our screens this season! There’s already talk of a girl faking an Australian accent (among other things I’m sure), another girl whose tweets are more problematic than my grandma at Thanksgiving dinner, and footage of what appears to be Colton fleeing the Bachelor mansion during this season’s promo?? Damn, it’s good to be home. So let’s just dive right in, shall we?
Side note: I was not aware prior to sitting down three seconds before this episode started that it would be THREE GODDAMN HOURS long. I’m so distraught. If the people at ABC think that just because I’ve had 2-3 glasses of wine and am captivated by human train wrecks dressed in evening wear, that I’ll actually sit through 180 minutes of this bullsh*t then they’d absolutely be correct. Carry on.
Why do I have a strong feeling that the first hour is going to include some sort of crude sex ed class taught by Chris Harrison? Hmm?
Oh, looks like I’m mistaken. Instead of sex ed, ABC thought it was actually pertinent to show us Shirley’s sh*tty viewing party in Lansing, Michigan. I’d like to tell Chris about my viewing party. It’s me alone chugging rosé and NyQuil and mumbling about THE NERVE of them for dragging this out for three hours, but I digress. When will the ABC understand that it’s torture enough to even watch The Bachelor, let alone watch people watching The Bachelor?
I guess Chris Harrison finally feels like throwing us a bone, because he takes a break from interviewing Bachelor has-beens to actually show us some footage from Colton’s season. So kind of him. The camera rolls and we get our first look at the girls this season. You know, assuming you haven’t been Instagram stalking them since the day ABC released their names and faces. Some immediate thoughts I’m having:
– I already don’t trust Cassie the surf instructor/speech pathologist/ridiculously good-looking human. At some point she gets nailed in the face by a wave and her hair, makeup, and attitude remain flawless. If that’s not sorcery then I don’t know what is.
– Alabama Hannah is absolutely terrifying. She’s showing far too much enthusiasm for a guy who most definitely will not be able to find her clit the first few times they hook up.
– Heather is 22, beautiful, and claims she’s never been kissed before. I’m just not buying it. I have a feeling her idea of “never been kissed” means if you’re blackout then it doesn’t count. Sorry, hunnie, but if that didn’t work for me freshman year it sure as hell isn’t going to work for you now!
– Demi is making me Google the age restrictions for this show because she doesn’t even look old enough to be menstruating. Seriously, how old is this girl?? Also, her mom is a felon, a story which I’m sure will get her halfway through the season at the very least.
The camera finally pans to this season’s Bachelor, Colton Underwood, whose biggest trauma in life is that he is good-looking, but a virgin.
COLTON: I never expected to be the next Bachelor. I don’t know how it happened.
ALSO COLTON: *campaigns for it for over a year* *slides into ABC’s DMs every chance he gets*
COLTON: I guess I’m just lucky.
The Limo Intros:
We’re now 52 minutes into this episode and Chris Harrison is like “should we start the limo intros now?” YOU THINK? At this point, I’m three glasses of wine deep. I’ve seen an infant be interviewed, more footage of Shirley’s viewing party then I ever asked for, and two randoms get engaged BUT I HAVE NOT SEEN ONE GODDAMN THING THAT RELATES TO THIS EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR. I’m at the point where I want to strangle Chris Harrison with my bare hands.
CHRIS HARRISON: I’m bummed I have to work tonight and can’t just hang out with my Bachelor family.
ME: Well, Chris, I’m bummed you won’t get to the f*cking point of this show. We all have our crosses to bear.
Demi is the first one out of the limo and she looks about as cheap as I thought she would. She’s wearing some heinous yellow lace number that is most definitely from Forever21, and I know this because I considered buying it.
DEMI: *licks lips* I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12.
Elyse looks like she could be Colton’s babysitter, but it would not surprise me if Colton is actually into that.
There are so many virginity jokes tonight and it’s making me p uncomfortable. For example, Caitlin shows up with a giant cherry balloon and POPS IT in Colton’s face. Next up, is a grown*ss woman dressed as a sloth. She’s practically crawling toward Colton’s feet because she hears he “moves slow.” Is this the part where Colton sets himself on fire? Because I wouldn’t blame him.
Lol. Revian is like “my parents speak Mandarin so that’s going to set me apart from the other girls.” I’m sure that’s what your parents were hoping you’d take away from your culture.
Okay, what I would like to know is how these girls survive without eating? Because clearly none of them do. Don’t get it twisted, they’re gorgeous, but they’re soooo tiny. Like, is this what Colton asked for when the producers told him to describe his type? “I like girls that were in pageants, will talk about my virginity, and haven’t eaten since 1999.” Well congratulations, Colton, your future wife is definitely out there!
The Cocktail Party
We finally make it to the cocktail party and I feel as if I’ve aged ten years. Every time Chris Harrison tries to check in on Shirley in Lansing, I can feel my life force being sucked out of me. Chris, I beg of you, just get to the episode!
Colton walks into a room full of blonde, 22-year-olds who are all “so ready to be engaged.” I’m the same age as Colton and the only thing I’ve ever been “so ready” for is a very long nap.
The self-proclaimed “Nut” just straight up asks Colton why tf he’s still a virgin. I love when he tells this story because it’s just so false. I just don’t believe that a young, blond, conventionally attractive PRO FOOTBALL player has never even seen a vagina before. Like, this is the most far-fetched thing The Bachelor has ever tried to sell me. And this whole “I didn’t have the time to date because football” is also ridiculous. He dated Aly Raisman for, like, a year and the honestly couldn’t find any alone time with her? WHAT IS THE TRUTH, COLTON?
Miss North Carolina gets the first kiss of the evening and it’s the first time in Bachelor history that a person from my home state hasn’t embarrassed me on national television. Bravo. I, mean, the bar was set at Jenna so it wasn’t real high to begin with, but still.
THIS SLOTH GIRL THOUGH. I will say her commitment to the part is admirable, though it’s making me want to shoot her. I think Colton gets the joke now…
Okay, I totally expected Catherine, the professional DJ and low-key Jean Ralphio of the season, to be p annoying, but all she does is talk about her dog and that would literally be me on this show. Unfortunately for Catherine, she commits the heinous offense of talking to Colton more than once and the other girls are piiiissed.
HAHA. Okay, I’m team Onyeka. I don’t like how self-righteous she is, but I’ll forgive her if she delivers more one-liners like that.
Onyeka confronts Catherine about talking to Colton more than once. She’s like “That’s not cool girl,” but then she hugs her? I’m confused. I’m guessing Catherine is too, because she immediately steals Colton again and I’m shamelessly hoping there will be a cat fight tonight. Anything not to have to see any more footage of Krystal and The Goose in that hot tub one more time.
Okay, these girls are livid. Onyeka’s like “What the hell? We hugged it out and everything.” Which is my argument when the random I met in the club’s bathroom decides to invite her actual friend into the stall with her and not me.
Normal Hannah gets the first impression rose and it makes sense. I felt like they had the most normal conversation, but sadly this probably won’t end well for her. Literally no one who gets the first impression rose makes it to the end, at least on The Bachelor. Sorry, Han.
The Rose Ceremony
I don’t even have enough energy to do more than just give you the facts so here’s who stays and here’s who goes:
Colton chooses “I Popped Your Cherry” Caitlin, Miss North Carolina, and a girl who literally couldn’t even speak. I’m guess her neckline did all the talking for her. Other notable mentions: the never been kissed girl, Cassie, and the girl faking an Australian accent, who I didn’t even realize was on the show. Like, have we seen her at all this episode? There was so much hype around her and I didn’t even notice her entrance.
– Revian. Guess she’ll have to find another way exploit her culture.
– The sloth
– Erin aka “Cinderella”
– Adrianne “Jane”
And on that note, see you next week betches! Let’s hope week two isn’t as much of a giant waste of time as this week was. Tootles!
Images: Giphy (7); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1)