The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Season 23 Finale, Night 1

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Ship

Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! After suffering through 10 long weeks of Colton’s season, the end is practically in sight. And by “practically in sight” I mean we will be held hostage for another FOUR HOURS, during which I’m sure ABC will air approximately 12 minutes of new content. Fun!!

Now, when last we left off, Colton had fled The Bachelor property and taken to the streets of Portugal, where Chris Harrison was trying to lure him out from behind a bush with some leftover bacon. (I paraphrase.) This temporary loss of sanity was caused by Cassie, who had decided earlier in the evening that she couldn’t fake it with Colton for one more second (I deeply resonate with this sentiment). She dumped him mere minutes after he finished getting their fantasy suite ready by lighting every candle from Bath & Body Works “sensual” collection, and strategically hiding an entire box worth of condoms in every nook and cranny of that room. The last we see of Colton is this:

Damn, that never gets old.

Chris starts things off this week by declaring that the last episode featured the “jump heard round the world.” Lol. Okay, Chris. Laying it on a little thick here, aren’t we? We then jump into a montage of the “drama” from this season because I guess ABC is really only going to show seven minutes of new footage for every 45 we sit through of Chris saying things like “lost in the dark Portuguese countryside.”

We are now 8 minutes in and, after only two commercial breaks, we finally get to see some new stuff from this season. Blessings. Omg YOU GUYS they are calling for Colton like he is a goddamn dog. I can’t. They’re like “Colton! Come back! Heel!” Hey! If ruining people’s lives as a producer on a reality TV show doesn’t work out for them, at least they could all go in on a doggie daycare center.

I love that Chris is just hanging back at the fantasy suites while production is out scouring the streets of Portugal. He did his obligatory five minutes of searching, and now he wants to get back to his cucumber massage, and is content to just wait for Colton to call.

Cut to production who are like “should we check that bush again??” SHOULD WE CHECK THAT BUSH. I’m squealing so much in my apartment that my dog just got up to move to a different room. You guys, you can’t write this sh*t!! (But if Mike Fleiss did, then he deserves a goddamn Emmy.)

Production continues to check every large bush they encounter, all the while acting like this is Bird Box, and they’re risking their lives to find him. Just because the camera pans to a stray patch of weeds doesn’t make me believe you’re navigating through the dark underbelly of Portugal, ABC!

Production finally spots a lone, dark figure walking in an abandoned alley, and it’s Colton!! I don’t know why they seem so shocked to find him walking the exact path that leads off the property. It’s wild.

Oh, looks like they’ve dragged Chris Harrison away from his glass of Merlot once again, because suddenly he’s jumping out of a moving van and rushing after Colton. You guys, I’m dying. Chris is running after Colton, and he’s so out of breath from jogging the five steps from the van to Colton’s side that I can barely understand what he’s saying.

CHRIS HARRISON: What part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?

CHRIS ARE YOU SERIOUS. The kid just got emotionally castrated on national f*cking television. What part of tonight wouldn’t make him want to take his chances on the streets of a foreign country?

Also, you know Chris is counting this as overtime. He’s calculating time and a half in his head right now every time Colton’s chin wobbles.

COLTON: Whatever, this makes me stronger.
ALSO COLTON:

Also, I love that Colton’s virginity is STILL the priority after that all of this has gone down. We cut back to the present where Chris is like “that was hard to see, but do we think he’ll still lose his virginity?” Well those tears certainly won’t help with that endeavor, Chris! Maybe show another shot of him showering, because airing this sh*t is doing nothing for our libidos.

Back in Portugal, it’s the morning after the fence jump, and Chris shows up at Colton’s door. Chris is like “I’ve never seen anything like that, mostly because the iron-clad contract contestants sign make sure that doesn’t happen…”

Chris is still trying to salvage the season and Colton is not having it. I love that he’s like “You could just try sleeping with Hannah G and see if that makes you feel better?” So subtle, Chris. So. Subtle.

I will say, Chris Harrison is saying everything that I’ve mumbled to my television screen as I’ve watched this entire season. He asks Colton if it’s every crossed his pea-sized mind that maybe Cassie isn’t into him and Colton is like “BUT I LOVE HER.” Yes, well these are literally things I scream at any dog who passes me by, but it doesn’t mean sh*t.

Tayshia’s One-On-One Dumping

Colton shows up at Tayshia’s hotel, and I think we all know what’s going to happen here. He declared very ominously five minutes prior to this meeting “I know what I have to do,” and I don’t think it’s he’s gonna bang one out with Tayshia to get back at Cassie.

Omg. He looks so unhinged rn. If I were Tayshia I would not walk out of that hotel room with him. I would shut the door right in his shiny face. Colton proceeds to try and dump her, and it’s more painful than watching Cassie find the words for “my daddy told me to dump you.” Like, Colton, don’t claw your own eyes out like that!

Okay, Tayshia is taking this extremely well. Why isn’t she saying anything??

Tayshia asks if they can “talk” without all the cameras and of course those vultures still film every word despite the fact that they’re hiding out in a utility closet together. All of a sudden, we just hear uncontrolled sobbing from the other side of the door and LOL IS THAT COLTON?! Well, if Tayshia was having any second thoughts about the breakup, I’m sure the sound of her ex wailing is certainly helping with that.

OH GOD. Are they seriously going to do her After The Final Rose right now?? In the middle of the goddamn episode?

ABC: I know! Let’s make the finale two nights and intersperse After The Final Rose with it. It’ll be a fun way to finish the season!!
ME:

Chris Harrison brings out Tayshia and she looks amazing. I’m really loving the highlights. She looks better than Colton anyways, who decided that to face off with his ex he’d show up looking like a young Taylor Lautner in Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

It’s uncanny.

I love how Tayshia keeps trying to make it sound like they had such a deep connection. She’s like “we had a lot of FIRSTS together, we did so many things together for the FIRST time.” Yeah, just because you pushed him out of an airplane before anyone else had the chance doesn’t mean he actually loved you! Honestly, Tayshia definitely dodged a bullet, and she’ll probably have better luck on Ship anyway.

Hannah G’s One On One Dumping

Next on the chopping block is Hannah G. Colton heads to her hotel room, where production has just unplugged Hannah G from the wall and taken her off hibernation mode. Oh god, y’all. Hannah G is sitting in her room writing in her diary about how much she loves Colton, and little does she know he’s about to tell her that he doesn’t even want to go on another date, let alone sleep with her!

HANNAH G: I didn’t expect this.
COLTON: I didn’t expect this either because I wasn’t aware that girls could just dump me on my own goddamn season, but here we are.

Okay, WHY is he telling her that she reminds him of home and that he thought it would be her in the end? That’s so messed up. He’s saying anything he can think of so she won’t blame him, and I’m disgusted.

I love that she’s not letting him off the hook and that she’s calling him out rn. YASSSS. DRAG HIS ASS, BITCH. Colton has the AUDACITY to act annoyed that she’s upset by all of this. He’s like “I know this sucks but what about me??”

Back in real time, Hannah G looks like she’s actively trying not to commit a homicide on live television. I will say, she looks amazing. While Tayshia showed up to After The Final Rose dressed in the night one “I’m the new Bachelorette” dress, Hannah G went with the classic revenge dress. Yes, honeyyyy. 

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Hannah Godwin wearing NBD on The Bachelor #thebachelor #bachelorfinale Shopping info on www.starstyle.com

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Okay, she looks piiiiissed and I’m so here for it. It’s the most emotion I’ve seen in her vacant doll eyes all season,, and I’m THRILLED it’s murderous rage.

CHRIS: Do you have any questions for Colton?
HANNAH:

Honestly, she’s not wrong to call him out on his sh*t. He’s giving her the blanket breakup statement that he just gave Tayshia as if she wasn’t backstage listening to him give it.

Lol. I love how Hannah is like “I’m completely over him,” and then demands to know if he ever thinks about “What if?” Sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is trying to throw lighter fluid on the bonfire that is their relationship. He’s like “Did you ever think about having that last one-on-one with Hannah G?” CHRIS. This girl is already seconds away from clawing out Colton’s eyes! Maybe you should try and diffuse the situation just this once?

30 Minutes Of ABC Wasting My Time:

Chris Harrison comes back from the commercial break and declares that this is the “first time in Bachelor history where there are no women left on this show.” Chris, you petty bitch.

The last 30 minutes of the episode is ABC’s fun social experiment to see how far they can push an audience without inciting a full-blown riot. They bring out rejects from past seasons to kill time, and also to show Colton that even if things don’t work out for him on the love front, ABC will bring him back year after year and make him keep reliving it. So sweet of them.

Omg. These people are RUTHLESS with Colton and his new hair. Like, he just had to get publicly dragged by his exes, and now you’re going to come for his haircut too? Low blow, boys. Also, Ben, you’re feeling far too cocky for someone who had to slide into some rando’s DMs in order to get a date…

ABC takes pity on us eight minutes from the end of the episode and decides to show us some new footage. It’s the least ABC could do for us, really. We cut back to Colton’s last days in Portugal. He’s looking very solemn about the fact that we’ve made it to the end of this and he still has a hymen. Sad!

Colton tells the cameras that he’s not leaving here without Cassie, while the camera pans to Cassie packing her bags as if she does not have a care in the f*cking world.

COLTON: I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I love Cassie that much.
CASSIE: I can’t wait for my family to see all my cute vacation pics!!

Annnd that’s where the episode ends. Seriously. They aren’t going to show us if Cassie even opens the door for Colton because they’re holding that footage hostage until tomorrow f*cking night. Bravo, ABC. Bravo. Chris Harrison even has the audacity to say we shouldn’t shoot him, he’s just the messenger. Like, I will kill you, Chris. Don’t tempt me with a good time.

And on that note, I’m out, betches! See you tomorrow where we’ll find out if, after all of this, Colton is somehow able to reclaim his dignity. Spoiler alert: he won’t.

Images: ABC (2); Giphy (6); @starstylecom /Instagram

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Someone Go Check On Hannah G.

We have made it to week nine, and I can’t believe it’s taken more than two months for us to reach the high point of this season. No, not referring to a proposal, I’m referring to a fence jump that we all could EASILY see if we watched any episode of COPS. The fact that we’ve been waiting this long to see Colton jump over something that’s shorter than his stack of expired Trojans boggles my mind. Let’s see if it lived up to the hype…

Monday’s episode kicks off with Chris Harrison and Colton sitting on the steps of the house from Forrest Gump, where Colton is requesting sleeping bags to be present in the unavoidable and dreaded fantasy suites. After telling him “We can’t do that, but I’ll look into bunk beds,” Chris settles Colton’s nerves and reassures him that it’s just like riding a bike. Yea, but this 20-something-year-old’s bike needs training wheels.

As a last attempt to gain platinum status on United, Colton and the three remaining girls pack their bags and head to Portugal. Realizing that this may be the country where he loses his virginity, Colton takes several selfies in order to compare ‘Before’ and ‘After’ look. Spoiler alert: you look the same after having sex. But who’s going to have a shot at stealing his V-card first? Tayshia, you’re up to bat.

As Tayshia is walking through the streets of Portugual looking for the nearest payphone to arrange a getaway car, she stumbles upon Colton, and realizes that she might as well go on this date. After seeing that Colton has an Enterprise Helicopter key, her mood perks up. For those keeping track at home, this is the third time they’ve been in the air together. Bungee jumping, skydiving, and now a helicopter. (Air Colton > Ground Colton, apparently.) After talking about Portugal’s chief exports (don’t watch if you’re narcoleptic, as this date is sleep-inducing), they land, and then head to a cliff to enjoy a picnic with a view. Except they don’t. That picnic basket is emptier than Chick-Fil-A on Sundays. Because making out on a cliff is too cliché, they head to a lighthouse, where kissing is not only welcomed, but encouraged.

Wardrobe change, aka, night date time! Tayshia and Colton chat over dinner about her previous marriage, and how she divorced him because he refused to put the toilet seat down. (Statistics show that this is the cause of 80% of divorces.) Sticking with the week one storyline, Colton continues to talk about what could be about to happen in the next couple of hours, and how he’s open to it. The whole date, he continues to say: “I appreciate you.” Colton, Colton, Colton. This is where you say: “I love you.” You say: “I appreciate you” to someone who bails you out of jail, or to a friend who buys you a drink because you left your credit card at the bar the night before.

Upon opening the fantasy suite card, we see two things. 1. That Chris Harrison writes in Comic Sans and 2. This boy is nervous! Tayshia takes Colton up on the invite to the suite, and Here. We. Go. In the background, they have the soundtrack to Aladdin playing, and you just know it’s about to be “A Whole New World.” Except it wasn’t. By all indications of how Tayshia woke up the next morning, that bed definitely had a pillow wall between the two. There are “after sex” cues that should be visible the next morning, and Tayshia had none of them. She looked upset, hair was fresh from the beauty salon, and she was still wearing her belt from last night. According to my math, adding all those things up equates to no sex in the champagne room. If the deed was done, Tayshia would’ve woken up dehydrated, hair in ponytail, and stumbling around the apartment butt-ass naked looking for pancake mix. Verdict? Virginity still intact.

Realizing that Cassie has been twiddling her thumbs for 48 hours straight, Colton makes his way to pick her up in a Model-T Ford from the 1860s. After spending some time walking around town, dancing with Portuguese mistresses, and trying to fight his way into the friendzone, Cassie and Colton sit to reflect about hometowns. He tells her, “I could really see myself being a part of your family,” and she responds with, “I like string cheese.” To be fair, who doesn’t? But Cassie, come on, wrong place, wrong time. Cassie has not been emotionally available for Colton this entire season, and like his NFL career, it’s not going to happen anytime soon. Colton is really laying it on thick, but he does tell Cassie that her father didn’t give him his blessing. Cassie seems shocked, but I’ve seen better acting from a puppy in a PetsMart commercial. Not buying it.

In typical father fashion, Cassie’s dad shows up unannounced in the first ever Bachelor minivan to let her know “Just so you know, Colton is not invited to the cookout.” He lectures her about how you know when you love someone, and Cassie communicates that, like learning pre-calculus, she’ll get there eventually. The luggage-less father returns to the airport to fly home because he left his hazards on at LAX, and they don’t play around at Arrivals.

After the impromptu visit from her dad, Cassie has made the decision that since she’s paid LA rent for all these months, she’s going to go home and get her money’s worth. The night portion of the date is filmed in a Portuguese open house, and this is where the episode starts to be somewhat interesting. Colton continues to tell her he loves her, and Cassie dodges those bullets like 6th grade dodgeball tournament.

How long are Cassie & Colton contractually obligated to sit on this IKEA living room set??#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 5, 2019

Transcript of Colton & Cassie’s Date:
Colton: “I love you.”
Cassie: “Portugal is amazing.”
Colton: “I hope I’m with you in the end.”
Cassie: “Bacon is my favorite!”
Colton: “I feel differently with you.”
Cassie: “Wool scarves makes me itch.”

Cassie tells him that she doesn’t think she can get there, but she wanted to tell him in person, because this is her favorite dress and she thinks America will love it too. He then throws every Hail Mary in the book, including “I think of you even when I’m with the other girls.” Cassie says “That’s cool and all, but can you drop me off at the airport?” Finding her own ride, Cassie leaves, and Colton heads back to his room…alone. Seeing that room service forgot to make him a towel swan for the day, he screams “I’M DONE!” and starts running. Production, stray dogs, and even Chris Harrison in his Patagonia quarter-zip (in the midst of his cucumber facial) chase Colton as he storms off the property. The only thing preventing him from leaving the property is this white fence, and Colton shows that, unlike the movie, white men CAN jump, and even gets a perfect score from the Russian judge on the landing. He sprints out into the Portuguese night, nowhere to be found. I mean, he has to return right? Not only does he have the only key to Hannah G.’s room, but continental breakfast on the property ends at 11am. Only time will tell…or the spoilers.

The Women Tell All

Before we get to find out if Colton even wants to know what Hannah G. is like in the third fantasy suite, these women get their last chance to solidify Instagram deals say their peace. As an only child, I’m not sure what growing up with siblings is like, but after seeing this, I’m DEFINITELY glad I didn’t grow up with a house full of sisters. With all these girls talking over each other, my Closed Captioning went into overdrive and knocked the power out of an entire Chicago city block.

Not gonna lie, when they introduced the cast, I was 100% sure that most of these people were paid actresses, since I don’t remember them AT all. They start off with Catherine, and she decides it’s too sunny in the studio, so she provides a few fellow cast members with some shade. I just wish someone would’ve commented on her pantsuit that would’ve made Roseanne jealous.

Nicole and Onyeka revisit their “feud,” and this is far from family-related. Onyeka proves that she wasn’t a bully by breaking down the Oxford definition, and Nicole proves that she’s a mime, because she doesn’t say sh*t. I actually feel bad for Nicole, because she’s trying to get a word in, but Onyeka’s mouth runs on diesel, so you know it’s not stopping soon.

The bomb that Katie dropped on her way out (“You have some people remaining not here for marriage”) is addressed and she mentions names this time: Caelynn and Cassie. Caelynn is the only one there to defend herself, and she does say she was there for the right reason, and that was to get sponsored by Crate & Barrel, because she’s too old to sit on IKEA furniture she can’t pronounce. Other girls pile on Katie’s side, and at the same time, are uninviting themselves to Caelynn’s C&B housewarming party in the process.

Demi vs. Courtney might be the best battle of the night. I wouldn’t call this World War 3, but more like, “Battle for the Last Pair of XS Lululemon Yoga Pants.” Demi comes out with several clapbacks, and Courtney sits there silent, not blinking, like she’s at an optometrist appointment. Courtney, can you read these letters on the chart: “U–R-Done.” After being called “bed bugs of the house,” Courtney puts her tail between her legs and retreats.

Hannah B. and Caelynn get their time to say their peace as well. Hannah B. says she’s still looking for someone to love her fiercely, but more importantly, ABC lets her redo her disaster of a toast, which is already better because she used actual words this time. Caelynn got to confront Colton about what really happened, and he pretty much told her he found out she still owed past due fees at Blockbuster, and he didn’t need anyone that irresponsible in his life in 2019.

Next week is the FINAL week, and then we get to return to life as normal. Wait, has someone let Hannah G. out of her room yet?!

Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @diggymoreland / Twitter